Turn around. Hands up!
-[gunshot] -[screams]
[scoffs] Well, well.
Just as I suspected.
Kind of obvious when you think about it, huh?
[Puerto Rican accent] No for me, boss. I no see that coming.
Anyone with an alibi is always a suspect, Markowitz.
How do you know these things, jefe? [chuckles]
[normal voice] Wait. I'm the sidekick?
Yes. You're the sidekick.
[chuckles] Thank you so much. I-- I don't know what to say.
You're welcome. [chuckles] Now, should we go back to the top?
Yeah? Okay.
Well, well.
Just as I suspected.
Kind of obvious when--
Why the accents?
You're Puerto Rican.
Uh... [speaks Spanish]
Hey. [chuckles] Not bad.
There you go. [chuckles] Okay.
[inhales sharply]
Well, well.
Just as I suspected.
He watched the light fade from the man's eyes,
the withdrawing of the life-force from the body
seeming to coincide
with the evacuation of his bowels into his gabardine slacks.
"...into his gabardine slacks."
Before long...
"Before long..."
-...the putrid scent of feces... -"...the putrid scent of feces..."
...hung in the air like...
the ghost of a dead lover.
"...hung in the air like the ghost of a dead lover."
You getting this, Marty?
You know, you gotta keep up with the rhythm of the prose.
You know, it's like jazz.
- Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. - Yeah?
[Marty] I got it. I got it. Got it.
"Another day, another dollar," as he always said.
"...another dollar..."
He turned on his heel and walked out.
Another day,
- another case closed. -"Another day... Case closed."
The end.
"The end."
Or is it?
Isn't it?
Just saying that, um,
maybe Dr. Kessler isn't as dead as he seemed.
- Oh, wow. [chuckles] No way. - Hmm.
[both chuckle]
-[Marty] I love it. - Well, there we go.
[Marty] Ah.
Book nine of the "Some Like It" series complete.
[strains] Ah. Incredible.
And... [stammers] ...ship all of this to the publisher?
I think so, yeah. I think it reads better as a series.
But it's this last book that's gonna really get them interested.
- Yeah. - It's the ultimate page-turner.
Bottom line, though, it's gonna sell.
And at the end of the day, that's all the publishers care about.
Getting noses in books.
[straining] Ouch.
Whew. My stomach kinda hurts when I do that.
Yeah, well, you know what? My head really hurts when I do this.
I just wrote an entire novel.
But this has been going on for a couple of weeks now.
Well, uh, maybe your stomach problems are back.
[stammers] It-- It feels different.
It sounds weird, but I can't fart, you know?
Even though it feels like I need to.
And then if I cough, it feels like I might, you know, poop by mistake.
Okay. Yeah. That's too much information.
Thank you.
[sighs]
[exhales]
-[strains, sighs] - Marty, are you okay?
[sighs] I just have a little bit of discomfort when I move.
Or-- Or don't move.
Or breathe.
That doesn't sound so good. Sit down. I'll get you some water.
No. No, no, no. I-- I can't. We're too busy.
You weren't too busy to have a heart attack.
You-- You scared us once before.
You think I'm gonna let you do that again? Sit.
[sighs, exhales sharply]
Hey, uh, listen. I-- I know this probably isn't the, uh, best time,
but I was wondering if I could get a word with you
about, uh, some financial, uh, stuff.
Oh, B-- Uh, Bruce, can-- can you just email Norman Horowitz about it?
Um... [stammers] Well, it's kinda urgent.
And I figured it's easier to talk to you because... [chuckles] ...you're right here.
What's up, Bruce?
Uh, oh, I-I-- I was just, uh...
That's okay. We can talk later.
Problem?
[stammers] No, no. [chuckles] No problem.
Hmm. It kind of sounds like there is.
[stutters] Come on, Bruce. You can say anything.
I was having a look at this year's accounts
on top of this year's expenses, and, uh...
we have a big problem.
We don't use the word "problem" at AFC. We use the word "solution."
Yeah, but sometimes you need to know the problem in order to find the solution.
Okay, thank you, Cathy. That'll be enough.
Our problem is that profits are down and midtown rents are up.
- Yeah. We can't afford the lease here. - Okay, you know what?
This sounds like something for Norman Horowitz.
Yeah. I gotta be honest. It's killing us. Right?
Another six months of this rent, we go under. Simple as that.
All right, you know what? All I hear is the word "problem."
But he has a solution.
Okay. Well, lead with that next time, please.
A contact of mine tipped me off that the Lea & Perrins factory
in Fair Lawn, New Jersey is empty.
Now, we could move out of here,
rent that place for, like, under half the price.
It's twice the size, but we'd have to move quick.
- That place is gonna go fast. - No. [chuckles]
Forget it, Bruce. We're not moving to New Jersey.
This is a great opportunity.
You know, when I, uh, encouraged more feedback from the workforce,
I was expecting suggestions more along the lines of, uh,
"Could we get some non-dairy creamer for the coffee cart?"
Not, "Hey, I've got an idea.
Why don't we tank our business and move to New Jersey?"
- But the problem is that we can't-- - You don't take AFC out of Manhattan.
It's classy. It's classic.
New Jersey is second-rate. It's cheap.
Do you think that the pastrami from Katz's Deli tastes the same in New Jersey?
- Yes. - I think that it probably would, yeah.
[imitates buzzer] No, incorrect. It doesn't.
Uh, moving, in itself, Bruce, is expensive. So...
[Ike] Look, Bruce, business is all about perception.
If we were to pack up and move out to some sauce factory in New Jersey
with our schmekel between our legs, that sends a message.
It sends a message to our customers as well as our competition.
And that message is, "Hey, look at us. We're losers."
Now, you wanna make a suggestion?
Maybe we should try moving to a place that's more expensive.
That would be smart.
Now, if all of you financial wizards would excuse me, I have patients to see.
Thankfully, none of them are as crazy as Bruce.
[sighs, scoffs]
Here. Take that.
Listen, I-- I don't wanna cause any trouble, all right?
But this is a serious situation.
You know I care about this company, Marty.
I was there when your dad put his sweat and blood into this place.
I feel like I sorta owe it to him to keep it alive.
[stutters] I don't know. I-- I mean, I hear what you're saying, Bruce,
but... [sighs] ...I think we gotta listen to the experts.
You know, it's-- it's his world. He knows what he's talking about.
-[sighs] -[inhales sharply, groans]
- It's-- Jesus. See a fricking doctor. - No.
No, no. A doctor's only gonna make things worse.
It's like taking your car in. They're gonna find something eventually.
That is it. I'm making the call.
- No. - You are not crapping out on me, Marty.
I am not springing for a new dress for a perfectly avoidable funeral.
You have a hernia. You will need surgery to repair the tear.
Surgery? Like surgery-surgery?
I'm afraid so, and as soon as possible.
Uh, good news is it's a straightforward procedure and nothing to worry about.
Oh, well, I guess that is good news.
So... [stammers] ...in and out? You know, like, same day?
Not quite. We get in there pretty deep.
We keep you around to make sure the sutures don't get infected.
Sutures?
[doctor] You won't feel them.
You'll wake up very comfortable from the anesthesia.
Anesthesia? What? Hold on. This doesn't sound so simple.
Uh, um, how long will I be in the hospital?
I have a lot of responsibilities I need to take care of.
What sort of responsibilities?
Well, you know, I-- [stammers] My-- My constituents.
They're counting on me.
Ah, you're an elected official?
No, I-- [sighs] I don't think I used that word correctly.
[stammers] People need me to be healthy, is all.
Not long at all. Should only be a few days.
And then, obviously, there will be a period of recovery.
A period of recovery?
Oh, my God.
All right, well... [sighs] ...I guess I will, uh...
I have to get my affairs in order.
Mr. Markowitz, I assure you, it's really pretty routine.
We'll get everything popped back in, and then off you go.
[exhales]
Right. Okay.
I've been thinking, Marty. That whole thing with Bruce didn't sit well with me.
The Bruce thing? What-- What thing?
[grunts] A move to Jersey.
- Oh. - I just don't have time for negativity.
It's toxic.
And it's not good for your anxiety.
- I don't know. I-- I just think-- - Oh.
You know what?
We're out of time for today.
- Oh, right. - Yeah.
Uh-- So, uh, with the koi.
They have this ich parasite problem with their gills currently,
so they're gonna need a-- a little more care than usual.
Uh, can I ask you to put some formalin drops in the pond
as soon as you get down there
- for the weekend? - Sure.
- Yeah. - Ah, great.
Uh, about the feeding schedule.
I-- I think the long-release block should be good for a few more days,
but you may wanna add a precise measured pour
of the spirulina algae as a weekend treat.
Think of it as their Saturday morning pancakes.
- Hah. - It's all labeled in the guest house.
And also, I wrote it down.
Got it.
Oh, and, um, if I-- If I don't make it, uh...
can you just, uh, promise me they'll be taken care of?
Seriously? Come on.
Look, let's not make a huge deal of this, okay?
It's a hernia. Yeah? It's like getting your tonsils out.
The girls got their tonsils out when they were little, and it was fine.
You know, we watched Jungle Book and we ate ice cream and Jell-O.
You're gonna be great. You're in very good hands.
And your fish are in good hands too.
I know how much they mean to you, so they mean just as much to me.
Aw, I appreciate that.
-[chuckles] Come here. -[chuckles]
Is that a hernia or are you just pleased to see me?
- Ah! -[chuckles]
Come on.
-[chuckles] - I love playing around.
- Oh. Ah, all right. - Okay.
Talk soon.
[male nurse] Finally, we just need contact details for your next of kin.
Just a formality, in case of emergency.
Parents? Wife? Children? Siblings? Could be anyone.
Um... [sighs]
Ike Herschkopf.
H-E-R-S-C-H-K-O-P-F.
Great. Good luck.
[breathes shakily]
You did great, Marty.
[machinery beeping]
It's okay. You're in recovery.
Oh.
Okay.
[door opens]
Doctor ordered a CBC.
Need to make sure that your iron levels have come back up
- and check for any possible infections. - Okay.
- Got any questions, honey? - Yes. Uh...
- Visiting hours are 9:00 to 5:00, right? - That's correct.
[exhales]
How you feeling?
Um, you know.
Question.
Uh, does-- does someone have to be approved before they can come visit?
What-- What exactly is the process?
Is-- Is it a written consent?
Oral consent? 'Cause I'm happy to--
I'm gonna up your meds, okay?
No, no, no, 'cause I need to stay awake in case he comes by.
[door opens]
- Good morning. - Oh, good morning.
I just need to run through some of these insurance details with you.
Is there a chance that I wouldn't be getting cell phone reception in here?
I just wanna make sure I'm not missing any visitors
who try to get ahold of me.
Can I-- Can I check your phone?
Um...
-[cell phone buzzing] -[gasps, groans]
[inhales sharply] Ow! [exhales]
Okay. Oh.
Hello? Dr. Ike?
No, no. You...
No, you h-- you have the wrong number. Yeah.
Yeah. No. Okay.
[sighs]
Mr. Markowitz? You have a visitor.
Oh. I do?
-[sighs] Thanks, man. - You're welcome.
Good afternoon, sir.
My friends and I are reading to seniors today.
Would-- Would you like me to read to you?
"I seen it over and over.
A guy talkin' to another guy and it don't make no difference
if he don't hear or understand.
The thing is, they're talkin' or they're settling still not talking.
It's just bein' with another guy." [sighs]
Why are you here, Terrel?
You don't actually care about me, do you?
No. You-- You're okay. You're cool.
-[scoffs] I'm cool? -[Terrel] Yeah.
No.
I'm not cool.
Why are you really here?
[sighs]
Honestly, I just need some stuff to put on my college app.
It was either this or band, and I hate band, so...
Oh, everyone hates band.
Well, at least you're honest.
Don't ever lose that.
Uh, so...
do you want me to keep reading, sir, or...
You know what? Um, yeah. Why not?
Thanks, Terrel.
Uh... [sighs]
"Sure, you could play horseshoes till it got dark,
but then you got to read books.
Books ain't no good.
A guy needs somebody to be near him.
A guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody.
Don't make no difference who the guy is, long as he's with you.
I tell ya, a guy gets too lonely an' he gets sick."
You can stop there, Terrel.
Thank you.
[strains, grunts]
[indistinct chatter, laughing]
[indistinct chatter]
Mr. Markowitz?
Mr. Markowitz.
You can't leave.
- Come back here. Sir. -[elevator bell dings]
[breathes sharply]
What do you think you're doing? Mr. Markowitz!
[sighs] Fuck.
[elevator bell dings]
[exhales sharply]
[loud music playing]
Everybody, duck!
- Don't say it. Don't even think it. -[chuckles] What?
- I'm not playing golf with you again. - Why not?
"Why not?" That wasn't golf. That was more like hockey.
I was afraid for my life.
[Ike] Have you tried the hot tub yet? You should try the hot tub.
- Even you can't miss that. -[Richard] Ooh, I ought to...
[Ike] Have you seen the sundial?
-[woman] No. - No? No? Here, look.
Thirty-six feet tall.
And you know, to get it in, I had to chop down a tree and install it by crane.
- Amazing. - Yeah?
-[Ike] Do you know what time it is? -[woman] No.
[Ike] Cocktail time.
You don't need a sundial to tell you that.
-[laughs] No, you don't. -[chuckles]
You most certainly do not.
Um, have you played the giant chess?
[stammers] Go ahead and, uh, play some giant chess.
Marty, my sweet. Why-- Why are you so dressed up?
It's not a formal party. [chuckles]
I need to talk to you.
[stammers] Oh, yeah. Sure, of course. Hey, come on. [stammers] Let's...
Oh, Marty, your-- your tush is hanging out.
Here. Here. Okay.
- All right. - Who's that?
Oh, that's, uh, Chef Pete. I hired him for the party.
He used to cook for Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick.
He's good, but he's no Marty Markowitz.
All right.
What's going on?
For the better part of the last three decades...
I have dedicated my life to you.
Every weekend, every holiday, everything.
And you couldn't even find time in your schedule
over the course of four days to come-- come visit me?
To call me?
To check in on me during one of the most harrowing experiences of my life?
Okay, I know they pumped you full of narcotics, Marty,
and that you're a lightweight, so I'm assuming it's hitting you hard.
I don't underst-- You wanted me to, what, come by the hospital
with Jell-O and ice cream, uh,
- snuggle up and watch Jungle Book? - Why?
Why didn't you come?
I thought we were family. [scoffs]
Are you serious?
Marty, I'm worried that you're serious.
You need to know this. You need to hear this.
I would do anything for you. Anything.
The second you told me about your procedure,
I called my contacts at NYU Langone the very next day.
I told them that we're family.
The hospital bed, the private room you had.
Who do you think did that? I did that.
I can't believe you didn't think I would do anything. Wh--
After all these years, is that how you see me?
[stammers] I was just surprised that you didn't come and visit.
Why didn't you ask me to come? I-- Do you think I'm that much of a schmuck?
You don't think I'm gonna come and-- Of course. Why didn't you say,
"Ike, it would mean a lot if you swung by"? I'm not a mind reader.
- Well, why-- - You say that you've been by my side
for the better part of three decades.
Well, I'd argue the same thing.
When Debbie and your sister tried to bleed you dry after your parents died,
who was there, hmm?
What about when AFC wanted to grow and expand?
Who provided you with that opportunity?
When you had a heart attack,
who scooped you up and held your hand in the ambulance?
Who saved your life?
Marty...
That's loyalty.
That's love.
I'd do anything for you. You're my guy.
I will always show up for you.
You're absolutely right.
[sobs] I'm sorry.
- I'm-- I'm-- I'm sorry. - Come here, you maniac.
Come-- [chuckles] Come...
Oh. Marty, I love you. You are my brother.
- You hear me? - Mm-hmm.
- Are you listening? - Yeah.
Good.
Now get out of this farkakte outfit and meet me by the pool, huh?
- All right. All right. -[kisses]
-[sighs] - Okay.
Money in the bank. Ready? Jump.
- He's hot. Oh! -[man laughs]
You just made a hundred bucks.
[Ike] ...because your mother raised you as veal. [chuckles]
Let's go in here, all right? There's air-conditioning.
There are hundreds of movies, all Academy Award winners.
-[grunts] - Mind the boccie balls.
- Hi, tchotchke. - Hi.
Having a good time? [kisses]
- Uh-huh. - Oh, great.
Uh, maybe you could send the message to your face?
What?
Maybe you can arrange your features
in a configuration that expresses some form of enjoyment.
- Oh, fuck you, Ike. - Come on. [scoffs, chuckles]
I'm kidding. I'm kid-- You look terrific.
I'm worried. What is going on with Marty?
What? Nothing. He's fine.
Yeah, well, he's a little loopy post-surgery, but he's fine.
[Bonnie] No, he doesn't seem fine.
Maybe we should just wrap this up and just get him some rest.
Wrap this up? What, are you crazy? Lisa Rinna just got here.
Should we bring him something to eat?
Yeah, sure. I don't know. If you think so. But one of us has to host this party.
I know, but I-- I don't know.
I think we should just shut this down and send everybody home. He's not okay.
What are you, the fun police?
[stammers] Well, um, don't be ridiculous, Bonnie. All right?
I've already got one ridiculous wife. His name is Marty Markowitz.
You don't have to tell me that.
[clicks tongue]
[Marty] Stu, get away from that rock.
You always get caught in that little roundabout.
[sighs]
So, did you guys miss me?
Aw. [chuckles]
Well, I missed you too.
That's very nice of you.
Where's Adam? How's his ich?
Stu, where's Adam?
Where...
Where is he?
Adam?
[breathes heavily] Adam?
[breathes heavily]
Where the hell is he? Ada--
[breathes heavily] What?
[gasps]
Oh.
Oh, no. Adam.
Adam. [gasps]
[sighs, speaks Hebrew]
Goddamn fish murderer. [breathes heavily]
"Brothers," my ass.
[sighs]
[breathes heavily]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
[people chattering]
- Lisa. Ike Herschkopf. - Hi.
- Thanks for coming. [chuckles] -[chuckles]
- You look gorgeous, as always. - Thank you.
- You don't mind if we get a picture? -[man] Okay. So, which button is--
- On the top. - I pressed the wrong one.
- Can I just go find my glasses? - No. No. You know-- It's okay.
Hey, hey! Come. Come here.
Thank you. Thank you.
Come here. Uh, take this picture of us.
- Enjoying yourself? - I am. I am. Gorgeous. I love the house.
[Ike] Thank you.
- Success. - Great. [sighs]
I wanna show you these cows.
- Oh. - I got 'em in a gallery in the city.
- Oh, okay. - They're so fun.
Collect some of these wet towels, would you?
- Right over here. It's terrific stuff. - Oh.
Hey. Hey, Marty. You okay?
Are you in pain?
Oh, you-- you know.
Yeah.
Can I get you anything?
I've had enough.
What?
I can't do this.
I've tried, Bonnie.
For so long.
[sighs deeply]
[grunts]
[grunting]
[sighs, grunting]
[water splashes]
[inhales deeply, groans]
You need something?
I left the Ambien in your bathroom.
[sighs] What are you looking at?
Party for the ages, it seems.
The lawn is totally trashed.
Well, eight hours of open bar with your friends is not a good combo.
- I can't get this... - Our friends.
Your friends.
Marty's got his work cut out for him. He'll see to it tomorrow. I got it.
Yeah. I don't think that's a good idea. He just got out of the hospital.
He's been lying in bed, bored out of his mind,
desperate to get out there.
[inhales deeply] He likes it, you know.
It's therapeutic for him.
-[lid pops] - Ah.
[Bonnie sighs]
I can't help it if his favorite thing in the world to do
helps us out sometimes.
[clears throat] Did you hear that Jacob went to the...
[door closes]
[sighs deeply]
[grunts, sighs]
[breathes heavily]
Sleep well, friend.
I'm sorry I couldn't protect you.
[sniffling]
[grunting]
[breathes heavily]
[sighs]
[grunts]
That's because it is, Claire. It's an invasion of your privacy.
Here's what we're going to do. You ready?
- Mm-hmm. - You ready?
- Yes. [chuckles, sighs] - Okay.
You're going to block your mother and father on Facebook.
No more wall posts.
- No more pokes. No more tags. - Really? I--
Yes, really. These are toxic people,
and they need to learn that if they're going to take advantage of you,
there are consequences.
Yeah. I mean, you're probably right. Right? Yeah.
- Thank you, Dr. Herschkopf. - Oh, don't thank me.
This is my job.
And, um... yeah, unfortunately we're out of time.
We even went a few minutes over.
But... look.
Call me this week if you wanna schedule a few more appointments.
This is a big step.
And I think you're going to need me a few more times to help guide you through.
Okay. Thank you.
- Good seeing you, as always, Claire. - Yeah.
Hey, Marty. You're late. It's 11:20.
And, um, just wanna make sure everything's okay.
You, uh-- You stuck in traffic?
We have an appointment. Hope to see you soon.
[sighs]
35th and 7th. And avoid 5th Avenue.
- It's a nightmare. -[driver] Got it.
I'm very interested in the lecture circuit.
I love to travel.
I guess, sure. Okay, yeah. We'll talk about it then.
Great. And, um, we'd love to take you up on your offer to visit Stowe next winter.
[elevator bell dings]
Sounds terrific.
Well, there is-- Yeah.
Dennis, I have to call you back.
-[phone ringing] -[people chattering]
AFC. How may I help you?
[Ike] I'd like to speak to Marty, please.
Uh, wh-- Uh... [stammers]
Marty is-- is not available right now, but I could take a message.
- I need to speak to Marty. -[Cathy] Yeah.
Sure. I'll have him give you a ring back.
[receiver clicks]
[Ike] Why? My God! Who takes the bridge at this hour, huh?
At this rate, we'll get there by the Sabbath. Oh, fuck! Fuck!
[driver] Thanks.
[loud music playing]
- And I don't wanna throw it out. - Oh, check it out. Wha-- No, no.
- Because I know it's perfectly brand-new. -[Ike] Hey, Cathy.
It's good to see you. Can you point me in the direction of Marty, please?
Forget it. I'll find him myself.
- What's up? - Hi, Marty.
Good to see you.
What's, um--
What's going on?
- Nothing. Just, uh-- Just unpacking. - I can see that.
I-- I got cuts all over my hands from the cardboard. See?
[inhales sharply]
- That's gotta hurt. - Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah, a little bit.
Bruce, can you give us a moment, please?
[sighs]
[Marty] What's, uh...
What's going on?
Well, Marty...
a lot of things are going on.
One being, when did you move?
A few days ago.
But you knew we were... [chuckles] ...moving.
We had to.
The city rent was killing us.
I thought we decided we were not going to leave the city.
Well,
I know that you decided that you didn't want to.
But I decided that we had to, to keep the company from going under.
And since it's my company,
I decided...
that...
that that was th-the decision. So, yeah, he-here we are.
And, uh, it's kinda nice.
- Look at the space and, uh, and the light. - Yeah.
No. It's the Venice of America.
Can we speak in your office, please?
About that. Uh...
We no longer have private offices.
Yeah, it's-- it's more of an open concept now.
Oh, Marty.
This is... a shame.
- Why? - You.
All of this.
You've taken a real step backwards.
You're not thinking clearly, Marty.
I have your best interest at heart.
And it's hurting me to see you hurt yourself like this.
- Is that so? - Yes, it's so.
It's very much so.
Do you know that I just spent two hours on the GW Bridge, okay?
George fucking Washington himself didn't take that long to cross the Hudson.
The Delaware.
- What? - He crossed the Delaware.
That's-- That is the famous crossing.
- I know. - He crossed the Delaware.
He was president, Marty. He crossed a lot of fucking rivers.
How do you think he got to Manhattan in the first place, huh?
- What, did he take the PATH train? - Okay.
Let me tell you something. This arrangement, it's untenable.
It's untenable!
How do you expect me to help AFC
if I am stuck for two hours schlepping out here, huh?
[stammers] It's, like, a waste of money, Marty.
It's a waste of your money.
[inhales deeply, sighs]
Then don't come.
I beg your pardon?
If it's so much of a hassle,
then maybe you shouldn't come.
Marty...
- are you firing me? - No.
[chuckles] No. No, of course not.
Good. Good, because I--
But Norman Horowitz is.
[people applauding]
- Yes! Yes, Marty. Yes! - Marty!
-[cheering] - Way to go, Marty.
[chuckles] Marty!
[people cheering, shouting]
[mouthing] Thanks.