You're walking way too fast.
What room did she say?
Twelve. Room 12.
I think she said ten.
- I heard eight. - She said 12.
I'll go back and check. Should I go back and check?
Yes. Go back and check.
Are you being sarcastic?
The cab driver was an idiot.
We're so sorry, Shirley.
Oy, my God.
It's bad, isn't it, Abe?
Papa? You want to go get people coffee?
- Who wants coffee? - Mm-mm.
- Everyone wants coffee. - Guess I'll get coffee.
- Oh. - What are they saying?
- They say he's going to die. - They didn't say that.
Well, they said he's probably going to die.
Ma, they're still doing tests.
A lot of tests but no word yet.
"No word" means he's definitely going to die.
You don't know that, Shirley.
- You know something that I don't? - No.
That gypsy fortune teller speak to somebody upstairs
and tell you the future?
- Ma. - Because I was sitting
right here when the doctor said
he absolutely, positively is going to die.
Miriam!
I didn't bring my wallet.
That's okay. No one wants coffee.
Then why did you send me to get coffee?
Just stay with Shirley and don't speak.
But-but where are you going?
We'll be right back.
Could you bring me a coffee?
Mm-hmm. Are you okay?
I killed him. I killed my father.
- Joel, no. - Yes.
Yes, I'm like that guy, uh...
- Who was it? - Who was who?
The guy in the Bible that killed his father.
I don't know. Uh, Abraham?
No. He was the one who almost killed his son.
- Absalom? - No. It didn't start with an "A."
Uh, Oedipus?
- That's not the Bible. - But he killed his father.
And married his mother.
Well, other than that, I'm that guy.
Joel...
- What happened?
He, uh, he came to the club. He had the costumes with him.
- Uh, a pineapple, a carrot. Very cute. - I know.
Oh, there was an option of them both being grapes.
If you wanted to keep Esther from running off,
- you'd tie 'em together like a bunch of... - Uh-huh.
- Circle back around, honey. - Right.
Uh, so I thought, he's here, he's happy.
Good time to tell him about Mei.
- What did you say? - I was nervous,
so I-I just blurted shit out, and I think I kind of
mushed "Chinese" and "pregnant" together.
I should've let one sink in, then hit him with the other.
I don't think it was you.
Really. I think it was me.
- What? - I did it. I killed Moishe.
- You did not kill Moishe. - Our last conversation,
I told him I couldn't pay him his money,
and he literally told me he was having a heart attack.
- When was this? - Two weeks ago.
Pretty slow heart attack.
But maybe I laid the track for him to have the heart attack.
Got him started, and then you came in and finished him off.
- This is very comforting. - You didn't kill your father.
- Well, neither did you. - Room 12. Moishe Maisel.
The wife's a hysterical.
- I-I should get back in there
to listen to them tell us nothing.
Because otherwise, it's a long time
before they come back to tell us nothing.
Twelve. I think it's room 12. Joel, Midge, how is he?
We don't know. He's unconscious.
Unconscious?
Jesus. I'm so sorry.
- Thanks, pal. - No, I mean...
- I killed your father, Joel. - What?
I lost the money.
If that money hadn't have gotten ripped out of my hands...
- Archie. - That's when all the trouble started.
I had nothing to do with this, so I'll just be the person
- who pats people's arms. - Calm down, Arch.
Really. It's nice you're here.
Should I go tell your mother it was my fault?
- I'll do it later. - This way to room 12?
Finally. I left you a message over an hour ago.
- Where have you been? - Yankee Stadium.
- Why? - Because the message you left Li Wei said,
"Go to Yankee Stadium."
I've got to get a better fucking dictionary.
- How is he?
- I don't know. - He'll be okay.
Wait, what was that? What just happened?
Yeah, I'm getting a lot of action today.
Doctor! Get the doctor.
- Why? What happened? - Abe!
Get back here. Nothing's changed.
I distinctly heard a death rattle.
You just dropped your keys.
Come on, Papa. I'll hold your keys.
Okay, Abe, Zelda and I are heading to the house
to get Shirley's things.
Try to get some rest, Shirley.
Mm.
♪ You don't need a halo or wings...
Thank you for letting me spend the night here, Abe.
That house without Moishe...
You can stay here as long as you want.
♪ With eyes that lull me to dreams...
Just wanted to make sure it was working in case they call.
You're welcome to sit and watch with me.
- I could make us a drink. - Ah, drink would be good.
- You know, Moishe and I have the most beautiful burial plots. - Uh-huh.
There's a tree right overhead,
and Moishe sprung for a little bench
- so people could sit. - Sit? Sure, sure.
He also sprung for the maintenance package,
which means the cemetery people have to cut the grass
and empty the vases once a week.
Do you and Rose have your plots yet?
Have you ever seen The Twilight Zone?
It's a terrific program.
No. Is it on now?
No. No, it's not, damn it.
You know, you and Rose should really hurry up
and get those plots.
You don't want to leave any of the planning to the kids.
Knowing Miriam,
she'll probably want to get you a funny casket.
Like one that's shaped like a shamrock or a schvantz.
Can you imagine?
Well, I can now.
Moishe wants an obituary in The New York Times,
just like Albert Einstein.
He had the nicest obituary.
I wonder who wrote it.
We never... we never got to Turkey.
Turkey? Why Turkey?
We had a plumber that was from Turkey.
- What are you gonna do if Rose goes first? - What?
Oh, no. I-I'm definitely going first.
I think God is a cruel god. Don't you?
Well, I actually think God is
more of a brilliant marketing ploy.
It's cruel that people know they're going to die.
It's like someone telling you the end of a movie
before you've seen it.
I mean, how much fun is it sitting through Casablanca
if you already know Ingrid Bergman isn't ending up
with Humphrey Bogart?
No tap dancing, no dwarves.
One song, and Bogart walks off
with the guy who hangs out with Nazis.
It is a very overrated movie.
You know, when my grandfather was kidnapped...
Hold on. Your grandfather was kidnapped?
- Yes. - By who?
Well, first we thought it was anarchists,
but then we found out it was the Ubramawitz boys
- from around the corner. - Why?
Oh, who knows why boys do anything?
Anyhow, before we got him back,
when my grandmother thought he was gone for good,
she said, "He's lucky.
He died with all his teeth."
That's the best you can hope for in life,
that you die with all your teeth.
Abe.
I just want you to know,
if Rose goes first, I will be there to help.
Thank you, Shirley.
- Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Uh-huh.
Could you talk a little faster?
We only have one line, so while I'm talking to you,
three other calls could be trying to come in.
Fucking working on it, Dinah!
Wait.
- Are the kids here? - Yes.
You have to warn me when the kids are here
- so I don't say "fuck." - The kids are here.
- Shit! - I'll have her call you back.
- Do I need to know who that was?
Nope. Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Pick a card. - I am not picking a card.
Fine.
I'll just look through your wallet instead.
Ah. She's got other boyfriends.
You know that's not magic.
That's five to ten where I come from.
Not if you ask them to pick a card first.
...care of Dinah Rutledge.
We brought some sfogliatelle today.
- I don't smell coffee. - Bye.
- Dinah, this I take personally.
- Dinah... - Make the coffee yourself, Nicky.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Where are the coffee filters? - Yes, we handle him.
They're talking about me.
You know I'm doing something here.
I will have to check the calendar
and talk to Miss Myerson about that.
Look, I'll call you back.
- You know, you should get a second line in here.
Fuck you, Frank!
- Wait, the kids are still here?
- Yep. - Goddamn it.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
- Dinah! - Can you hold, please?
What do you got, Maggie?
Someone calling about that weird magic guy.
- Does he do birthday parties? - Hold on.
Hold on.
Does Alfie do birthday parties?
Only if it's Billy Wilder's.
I love when they talk about me like I'm not here.
No, I really do.
You know the minute they get another chair in here,
our relationship is over, right?
They asked, what if they threw in car fare and lunch?
- No birthday parties... - I don't know what you're looking at.
- I did not bring these for you. - I'm sorry, that's not gonna work.
- That's a big no there, Maggie.
Geez, wouldn't have thought a magician could pick and choose.
- No.
You got Maggie working for you now, huh?
Well, I tell people if they can't get through here
to call over there. You know Maggie?
I know her boss, Gil. He paints houses for us.
Huh. I thought he was a plumber.
- Susie Myerson and Associates?
Dinah, it's Midge. I need to talk to Susie for a moment.
Hi, Midge. We don't have any bookings for you.
I'll tell her you called. Bye.
Dinah, wait...
Cissy, what's that in your mouth?
- I'm no snitch!
- Couldn't be prouder.
- Dinah! - Yeah, Maggie?
Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone! It's very important!
Okay. Send him over.
Susie, Florenz Ziegfeld's on the phone.
- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
- The light's not lit up. - It's on the other line.
- I thought we didn't have another line. - The clothesline.
- What? - Just come get it. I have to pick up the other phone.
What do you mean you have to pick up the other phone?
Aren't you on the other phone?
Susie Myerson and Associates.
Wait, isn't Florenz Ziegfeld dead?
Yep. He died in '32.
Let me check. What was that date again?
Great system we got here.
This is Susie Myerson.
Too fucking busy for me?
- Miriam? - Yes.
Oh, so Ziegfeld is dead.
Course he is. I saw the body.
Listen, Joel's father had a heart attack.
I have to get back to the hospital.
Do you think you could send someone
- down to the club to sub for me? - Uh, hold on.
James, you want to fill in for Midge down at the Wolford?
You know, easy money, half-naked chicks?
You promised not to book me toilet gigs.
Tell him I heard that.
Never mind. I'll think of something.
Okay. Sorry about your not at all father-in-law.
- Uh-huh. - Just gonna keep saying it
till it sinks the fuck in.
Kids are still here, aren't they?
- Yep. - Mother...
- Susie. - Yep.
- Village Voice.
- What do we think? - I cover nightlife, man.
If the dude's not holding a sax or a joint,
- I have no opinion. - Find one.
My opinion is, if Nixon wins, we move to France.
I have a rent-controlled apartment,
so I'm gonna stick it out. You?
I think he's handsome in that one,
very handsome in that one.
However, that one, he's just plain adorable.
- Okay. What about Nixon? - I was talking about Nixon.
Move away from me.
I've got a thing for Quakers.
Farther away. Hoboken, please.
Fine. I want you to write an obituary for Moishe Maisel,
owner of Maisel and Roth.
He's an American success story.
Self-made garment manufacturer.
I told you about the 13 Jews.
Why not? You wrote one for Albert Einstein.
Well, Moishe Maisel put a new kind of elastic
in his ultra men's breathable briefs.
So, yes, Einstein transformed
theoretical physics and astronomy,
superseding a 200-year-old theory of mechanics
created primarily by Isaac Newton,
but Moishe Maisel let your testicles breathe.
You're a New Yorker. You know what summer's like.
Excuse me. Why are you here?
Oh, I'm Abe's personal part-time secretary.
I do his typing. You?
I work here.
- Doing what? - Many things.
- Right now, I'm very busy filing. - I see the stack.
- I used to type for Abe, but now he has you. - He does.
- Part-time. - For now.
Full-time.
Fine. I'm canceling my subscription.
I'll read the grease-stained copy at the library.
"What's he known for?" he kept saying.
"What's he known for?"
As if a-a man's life is measured
by how many people have heard of him?
Mickey Mouse, a known anti-Semite,
can get an obituary in The New York Times,
but Moishe Maisel cannot?
Okay, time-out. I will call Simon Mellman at The Times.
- Isobel, get Simon for me. - Okay.
Simon is a very good friend of mine,
and he owes me several favors, $300 and a fiancée.
Got him. Please hold for Gabe Walensky.
- Simon, Gabe. How are you? - Tell him about the Jews.
- Yeah, listen, I'm calling in a chip here. - Thirteen of them.
I need your team to do an obituary for a friend.
- The Jews, the Jews, the Jews! - Hold on. What?
- Tell him about the Jews. - The history of, or...
Yeah, no, Simon, I'm here.
- The man in question is... - Moishe Maisel.
Moishe Maisel. And he was...
- In the garment business. - In the garment business.
There was no Roth. Moishe made him up.
- That's right. - He never went to Turkey!
- What are you talking about? - He had a Turkish plumber.
Kev, hold him.
Yes, I'm here.
I know, but this is a favor.
Simon, let me remind you
that you stole Diana from me at my own birthday party.
Yes, you did, you traitorous asshole!
And I think the very least you could do for me now
is have one of your obit guys type up
a goddamn obit for this man.
And give me my $300 back!
Well, fuck you!
Listen up, everybody.
Simon Mellman is persona non grata from now on.
Never met him, never heard of him.
He is Nikolai Khokhlov, and we are Russia.
- What? - And these are the covers.
And if you have a problem with that, suck it!
All right, then.
- Sorry, Abe. I can't help you. - Well, fine.
I guess there's nothing to do but write it myself.
- Dody? - Yes, Abe?
Fresh piece of paper, please.
Where is this being published, Abe?
Here, in The Village Voice.
The Voice doesn't do obits.
Great. Then it's a brief, informative article
about a man who recently died.
Dody, let's get to work.
♪ As he plays his ukulele on the hill above the bay...
Cramming for midterms?
These doctors, they come in and babble
a bunch of bullshit, and then they leave
- before you can ask any questions. - Bagel.
And every time, a different one shows up,
and they can't answer the question you have
from the last guy 'cause that's not their field.
- Bite. - And they use terms that you can't understand,
and they talk fast and leave fast,
so I figured I'd borrow a bunch of Mei's books,
- take notes and look it up later. - Coffee.
But I don't know the words they're using,
so I tried writing them down phonetically,
but since the actual word is not spelled the way I wrote it down,
I can't find it, and basically, all I've found out so far
is that my father's heart attack
has something to do with his heart.
Thank you.
So no change at all, huh?
- And the longer he's out... - Nope. Eat your bagel.
Hey. You see this?
- East. - Red. Dragon.
Yeah. They've been at it for a couple of hours.
Mei's trying to distract Ma a little.
She got nuts and tried to make soup in the hospital kitchen.
They called the cops, so...
- I need money. - What?
- Your mother wiped me out. - You're kidding.
Do I look like I'm kidding?
You didn't need to let her win.
I didn't. That woman's a shark.
I am a great mah-jongg player.
I come from generations of great mah-jongg players.
My family runs a mah-jongg parlor, for God's sake.
And she is wiping the floor with me.
Hi.
Bagel?
- Here. - That's it?
- Oh, no. I need more. - I don't have more.
Joel, she has a $20 buy-in.
Hold on. I'll see if I have more in my jacket.
Dr. McGuire, please report to the ER.
Dr. McGuire, to the ER.
Bagel?
Thanks.
It's nice, you keeping Shirley busy like this.
Did Joel tell you they called the cops?
He did.
He also told me...
Please don't be mad, but Joel...
I know about... the situation.
Oh.
I thought maybe we could have a talk.
Oh, it's a little late for that, don't you think?
Different talk.
We should figure out how it's gonna work.
How what's gonna work?
You know, with you and me and Joel and the kids.
I mean, you'll be, you know...
They'll be, you know...
- Clearly, I don't know. - Mei, come on.
Obviously, they live with me, but they'll be with you a lot,
and now they'll have a sibling, and I just think we need
- to discuss some ground rules. - Like?
Like I don't want them calling you Mom.
- Me, either. - But they'll need to call you something.
- Why? - Why?
Well, what if they lock themselves in your bathroom
and they need to call out for help?
- Why are they in my bathroom? - Because it's bath time.
They're bathing in my bathroom?
- Mei, come on. - They're your kids. You bathe 'em.
- But they're staying with you. - Why?
- Because it's your weekend. - To do what?
To take them because you are married to their father.
- Aren't you?
Phone call for Midge Maisel.
- Please come to the nurses' station. - Excuse me.
- Hello? - You have to come back.
- I told you my father-in-law is... - Yes, I know.
So sad. But see, you made me change everything.
- Boise. - I can see myself in the toilet bowls.
They're so clean. It's gorgeous.
- Well, that's great. - I bought the fruit
and the umbrellas and the tampon sticks.
- The good ones? - Yes, the good ones, Midge.
The best ones.
You demanded these changes, and I did them,
and then all these women came to see you.
And now you are not here,
and they are very angry.
- I'm sorry. - I invented a drink.
- Oh, yeah? - It is pink and fizzy
and you set it on fire.
It's stunning.
I've named it "I Once Was a Man."
I see we've developed a flair for the dramatic.
Please come back.
Boise, I gave Bunny, Mitzi and Gloria
some really good jokes to do.
How did that go?
We got a new sign to go on the door here.
On one side, it says, "We're open.
Please come inside."
And on the other side, it says, "Sorry we're closed."
I don't get it.
I don't think that's what it says.
What it fucking says. I'm looking at it right here.
- "Sorry we're..." - "Clothed."
- It says, "Sorry we're clothed."
Like we have our clothes on.
- Okay.
And on the other side, it says, "Sorry we're clothed."
- I still don't get it.
So, thanks for that bit of casting.
Look, Boise, I promise I will get there
as soon as I possibly can.
Now, I have to go.
Oh, my God. You came back.
You did come back, right?
- One set, Boise. - That's fine.
One set, then I go back to the hospital.
Yes, great. Thank you. Hey.
What do you think?
Too many peonies, right?
They're overwhelming the bluebells?
Take a break, Boise.
Go punch something.
Goddamn Boise. Mitzi, never mind. She's back.
Oh, good. Ask her which part is the setup
and which part is the joke again.
Just so you know, everything went fine without you.
Glad to hear it.
What are you supposed to be?
You.
Like looking in a mirror, huh?
Thank you.
Wow.
Such a great crowd.
It's very nice to be here, really.
You have no idea.
So I have a little family drama going on.
My ex-father-in-law just had a heart attack.
He's unconscious, and they have no idea
- if he's gonna make it or not. - Woo-hoo!
- Thank you.
We have a fan of uncertain death in the back there.
- That's nice.
Good for you, sir.
Enjoy your chess game with the reaper.
So, anyhow, for the last couple of days,
I have been reduced to playing the coffee lounge
- at Beth Israel Hospital.
I'm going back there as soon as I'm done here,
and I'll spend the night watching all the men in my life
completely fall apart.
- While eating Jell-O.
It's really startling, actually.
Because we're always told, "You're daddy's little girl."
"Daddy will protect you."
"Wait till your father gets home."
And then your father walks into a hospital,
and he turns into a ten-year-old girl
who just had a frog put down her dress.
- Now, my father--
intellectual, emotions kept in a little bottle in storage--
he hates hospitals.
He hates the smell of hospitals, the look of hospitals.
When I had my daughter, I had to hold her
out the window as he walked to work in the morning
- just so he could see her.
And then there's my husband.
Ex-husband, actually, but we're still... something.
Now, in all fairness, I have seen him emotional.
When the Brooklyn Dodgers moved to...
California...
he was inconsolable.
He sat in the dark, eating chocolate,
writing love letters to Sandy Koufax.
- He'd try to put on a brave face,
and we'd walk past a hot dog cart, and he'd fall to pieces,
cradling the mustard container in his arms,
repeating the 1955 World Series lineup over and over again.
And then, of course, there is my father-in-law.
Tough, proud.
And now my mother-in-law is trimming his beard, so if...
...when he wakes up, he's ready to go to work.
It's hard seeing the men in your life scared.
And with the men out of commission,
the women are left to keep things going.
Now, this is not totally unusual, right?
I mean, women could be bleeding from the head,
and they'd host a dinner party
if the invitations were already sent out.
- But we never think about it like that.
We just assume we're supporting the real leaders.
You look around this hospital, you see the doctors.
All men, swaggering in and out of the rooms really fast.
"I'm important. I have a pen in my pocket.
I look at a chart. Hmm, good chart.
I sign the chart.
I am God, and God can't hang around.
God has to be in the gallbladder wing in five."
But spend a few days in the hospital,
and you start to notice the nurses.
The nurses never rush out of your room.
They just clean out the bedpans, draw the blood,
insert the suppositories.
They don't get to sign a chart. They don't even get a pen.
But they hold you while you cry.
So, what does this mean?
Are women more important than God?
Hmm.
What if we discover one day
that we were always the ones in charge?
Just, no one told us.
I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying.
I just...
don't want this man to die.
Now, let's see some tits and ass!
Midge, you got a stage-door Johnny waiting.
What? Where?
Well, this is a surprise.
I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd stop in.
I heard about the coffee here.
Well, nice to see you.
- Wait, just... - Hey, Lenny.
- Hello. - Hiya, Lenny.
Nice tie, Leonard.
I know them from Hebrew school.
I really do have to get going.
I saw your show. It's great stuff.
You made three construction workers cry.
Thank you.
- You're still mad at me. - No, I'm not.
I was a complete ass.
I'm very sorry.
I have forgotten all about it.
- You still sound mad. - Lenny, please.
Midge, you have to forgive me.
There's a performance of Haydn's "Trumpet Concerto"
with original period instruments
that my buddies are dying to go to,
but I forced them to come here just so I could grovel.
They may never speak to me again.
I saw that concert. They're not missing much.
Please.
So, Carnegie Hall.
Yes.
Someday soon.
I'd find out exactly which day, if I were you.
Good advice.
Lenny, bar.
It's very exciting.
These are very classy people, these Carnegie people.
They put me up in a swanky hotel room.
They even offered to paint the room my favorite color.
- What's your favorite color? - I said blue.
- Is it blue? - Who knows?
Well, you.
Okay, you're ignoring the lede here.
The people from Carnegie Hall painted a hotel room--
a room I'm going to be in for a total of four days, tops-- blue.
For me. Me.
The greatest threat to American decency
since Mantovani records.
I am suddenly important enough for redecorating.
Please be impressed.
- I am impressed. - Good.
Which brings me to my next reason for being here.
- Hmm? - I got a call from Tony Bennett's people.
He's doing five sold-out nights at the Copa,
and they wanted me to open for him,
which is a dream gig because,
in addition to him being one of the nicest men in the world,
his craft service table is not to be believed.
Now, obviously, I can't do it since I'm playing Carnegie Hall.
I hear they painted your hotel room blue.
So I talked you up.
Told them you do swell heart attack humor,
- and they are very, very...
- What's that?
- Hey. What's going on?
Uh-oh.
What "uh-oh"? What's "uh-oh"?
I believe...
- Get up! - You ain't going nowhere.
Come on, you're coming with me.
- Yep. You're being raided. - I am?
- We got to move. - Cops! - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - Everyone, out!
Dallas, Sunshine, Bubbles, go!
I got the books!
- Both sets? - Yep!
Wait, wait.
Oh!
- Let's get out of here.
Bunny, Mitzi, you got to move!
You know, I'm getting a little tired of everyone
telling me what to do, where to go, what a joke is.
Oh, crap! I lost an earring.
We're being raided!
What am I gonna do with one earring?!
Two ears! I got two ears!
- Stay down! Come on, come on.
- Forget the feathers! Just grab the pearls!
- Midge! - I can't find my things.
Buy more things. Let's go.
- Come with us. - Nope.
I'm fiddling on the Titanic tonight. Go.
Hurry, hurry. Damn. Go, go, go, go, go! Hurry!
My shoes, my feet. It's cold.
You'd be terrible to go on the lam with, by the way.
- Can't you carry me? - Carry you?
Yeah, you know, throw me over your shoulder.
Who am I, Santa Claus? You're a young, strong woman.
Here.
- What do I do with this?
Fill me in on what's going on with Castro and the rebels.
- Put it on your head. - Where are you going?
I have to get you to shelter.
Aren't you gonna pay for the papers?
- It's a snowstorm. - So what?
- The man has to make a living. - How do you know?
The newsstand could be a hobby.
If I had my purse, I'd pay.
- If I had your purse, I'd pay. - Wh-What if there's a hell?
- Oh, I don't believe this. - What if the rabbis are wrong
and there is a hell and this is the moment our fate is decided?
Believe me, honey, if there's a hell, I'm the headliner.
Where are we going?
How you doing? You okay?
Ten minutes in the elements.
Do you need me to call a hairdresser or a priest?
I'm fine.
- This place is nice. - Carnegie Hall.
Ooh, they're having a hat sale at B. Altman's.
If only I still had my employee discount,
I'd get a discount on a discount.
- Give me that.
Good evening, Mr. Bruce. Rough weather out there.
It is indeed.
You hear that? "Mr. Bruce."
You play Carnegie Hall, you get "Mr. Bruce."
- Good evening, Mr. Bruce.
- Whew. - After you.
- Ah. - Well, what do you think?
Very nice, Mr. Bruce.
Carnegie Hall.
So, drink? Food? Something absorbent?
- Towel, please.
Oh, I'm so sorry, girls.
Wasn't supposed to end like this.
Are you talking to your shoes?
No. Shh.
- That's okay.
I'm gonna have a very serious talk later with my dickie.
- Dickie? Like... - Yes.
- Not... - No.
- Nice. - It was the funniest garment
I could come up with in the moment.
Keeping a safe distance?
Respectful distance, I'd like to say.
Are you afraid of me 'cause I talk to my shoes?
Some men find that wildly attractive.
I think there are many things about you
men would find wildly attractive.
You know you can sit on the entire chair.
I'm fine.
You look like one of the Wallendas,
balancing there like that.
It...
I'm wearing... I'm good.
Your what?
What are you wearing?
My show corset.
- You have a show corset? - Yes.
How is this different from, say, your dentist corset?
It's much more likely to suffocate me.
- It's also prettier. - Yep.
It's always the pretty ones who try to kill you.
Oh, boy.
- What? I did not plan this. - Getting me back here?
Innocent. Get Roy Cohn on the phone right now.
You mean you didn't alter the atmosphere,
causing it to snow, and then organize a raid
at the exact moment I came offstage?
What, I'm not important enough
to go through all that trouble for?
You are more important than God.
You paid attention.
To you?
Always.
Midge?
Yeah?
I got to see the show corset.
- Lenny. - I'm sorry.
I'm an observer of the human condition.
It's the way God made me.
Okay.
If we do this...
Oops.
If we take our clothes off
and we do some very blue things in this very blue room...
Wow, do I not know which way this is going.
I need you to look me in the eye first and promise
that you will never, ever forget
that I am very, very funny.
First and foremost.
I'm serious, Lenny.
I will be laughing through the entire thing.
I promise.
Yep.
Just like mine.
I lied.
I'm only gonna laugh at the end.
- Nope.
I'll be right back.
Hello?
♪ Over me...
Goodbye.
So, apparently, being Mr. Bruce means
you're the one who has to bail out
the slow runners after a raid.
So I was thinking...
That is not for you.
Lenny, what...
You don't need to worry about that.
But...
All is well.
I promise.
Now, get dressed.
We'll go spring the riffraff, and then I'll take you
for some truly terrible Chinese food, okay?
- Abe! Abe! - Hmm?
I didn't know you were still here.
Someone called a while ago, said you needed to get
- to the hospital immediately. - What? Who?
- I don't know. I... - He's dead. Is he dead?
- Oh, my God. - I don't know.
They just said to hurry.
I will bite your fingers off, Isobel.
It's not Isobel, Dody.
- It's Abe. - Abe?
- What time is it? - It's very late.
I have to get to the hospital.
You should go home.
Thank you for your help.
You are a true Sancho Panza.
Phone call for Dr. O'Connell.
Dr. O'Connell, you have a phone call at the nurses' station.
I...
What kept you?
I... But you're alive.
I am. Yes.
You're not dead.
No, I'm not.
I just... The call... I figured...
You hoping for a different outcome?
No. I'm fine with it, obviously.
I tried to call you.
Some disgruntled employee rushed me off the phone.
Oh. Well, that's... terrific, really.
Just surprised.
Who's this? Do I know her?
Oh, this is Mei.
It's so wonderful.
Do you know that now hospitals hire mah-jongg players
to distract you from impending death?
- Really? - What?
- She asked. I froze. - Ah, geez.
She tipped me, though, so I can pay you back.
That's nice.
What's that, Abe?
- What? - In your hand.
Oh, it's nothing.
You're holding it very tightly.
It's just, uh...
It says "Moishe's obituary."
- You wrote my obituary? - No.
You wrote something and titled it "Moishe's Obituary"?
I...
You couldn't get the guy who wrote Einstein's?
No. I just...
Yes. I wrote something.
Well, what were you going to do rushing in here like that?
- I think I was going to read it. - To me?
- Yes. - While I was unconscious?
Or dead. Yes.
- I'd like to hear it. - What? No.
- I'm a little curious, too. - Same here.
You work for the hospital.
- You don't get a vote. - Abe.
Well, it-it was just a first draft,
so I hadn't finished it, but...
I just talked about your father and the pickle cart.
We all know that story.
So, uh...
You started a clothing manufacturing business.
There was no Roth.
It was all you. Gave you full credit.
- Thank you. - Oh. Uh,
Moishe brought over the 13 Jews, saved them.
Very nice paragraph about that.
Good... good placement. And, uh...
Oh, I found a typo.
I just found another. Who has a pen?
No one's grading you, Abe.
Yes, well... Okay.
Uh, well, after the 13 Jews, I-I do a long run
about whether or not God exists.
- He does. - Well, that's been the debate.
There's no debate. He does.
Okay, I know you feel like that, but...
Abe, I'm lying in a hospital bed.
Give me this.
God exists.
For now. And then...
and then I talk about how you took us in
when we... had nowhere to go.
And... you did not have to, but you did, and...
you asked us for nothing.
You made sure our daughter was taken care of
even though she was not married to your son anymore.
You...
were a very good man.
And I...
I miss you very much.
But you're not dead, so...
Well, that was very nice, Abe.
I'm gonna get some ice cream. Who wants ice cream?
- Ice cream sounds good. - Well, I'm going to get some coffee.
- I don't want ice cream. - Just get some ice cream. Trust me.
- Ice cream sounds great. - You think the machine will take a 20?
- I doubt it. - I have some change.
Since when? You told me you were broke.
- Ma. - Why don't you let me?
This is the darndest thing.
I have absolutely no record of this phone number.
I have no record of this phone.
I don't even recognize this model.
- Where did you get it again? - It was here when we got here.
It's the darndest thing.
The guy from Bon Soir says Alfie has to do
two free shows before they commit.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, even I knew that was a big fuck-you.
Excuse my French. The phone company called.
They can come out next Tuesday at 10:00.
The phone company is here.
- Oh. Is the electric company there? - No.
The electric company can come out next Tuesday at 10:00.
- And Marvin Nicholson called...
Ooh, phone. Hold on.
Jesus, Frank.
You leave any garlic for the rest of the world?
Garlic's good for you. Makes you strong.
You'll be able to beat up all the other managers.
Moishe is out of the woods.
- Hey. - Who?
My ex-father-in-law. He is awake.
Hey, show some enthusiasm.
Why? It's your ex-father-in-law.
I don't give a shit about your first-grade teacher,
your pediatrician or the first guy
who felt you up, either, by the way.
Susie! Hey, I got a weird one.
Yeah, that is not a sentence you just yell out in public, Maggie.
Just for future reference.
Some guy says he works for Tony Bennett, and he wants
to talk to you about booking one of your clients.
Really? Tony Bennett?
Well, send it on over.
Tony Bennett. You hear that?
- Tony Bennett's calling me. - Well, his guy is.
Well, his guy is, but his guy is calling me
- because Tony Bennett told him to, so... - Susie.
- Hold on, Maggie. - Okay.
I was having a great day for a minute there.
Lenny put my name in to open for Tony Bennett
at the Copa this week.
The Copa?
The sold-out run at the Copa?
This... this sold-out run at the Copa?
That's the one.
Yeah, with the big full-page ad that says,
"Hello, boys. This show's a really big deal,
and anyone associated with this ad
is gonna be rich and famous and very, very happy."
Bingo.
No opening acts.
Yep. Hang up the phone, Maggie.
- Why? - I moved.
- Where to? - I'm dead.
- You are? - Just hang up the goddamn phone.
Okay.
Sorry.
No problem.
You want some coffee?
Uh, sure.
Cream?
- Susie, don't. - Don't what?
Okay, no cream.
You know my situation.
Sugar? Yeah, you like it sweet.
Let me put some sugar in there for you.
- This is creepy. - That was really Tony Bennett?
Yes, but I'm not doing op...
Let it go, Frank. It's a brick wall in a pink tutu.
Susie, do you know if, at any point,
this whole building used to be somewhere else?
I'm gonna go with no.
- The building has not been moved. - You know, Midge,
that Bennett gig seems like a big opportunity.
You might want to give it a second thought.
Thanks, Frank. Susie and I have a plan.
Is the plan to open for Tony Bennett?
'Cause that sounds like a good plan.
It's not, but thanks for asking.
Tony Bennett is a great singer.
You would work nice with him.
I would.
I'm not gonna, but I would.
Miriam, as friends of yours and Susie's...
I'd say more like family than friends at this point.
We're just looking out for your well-being.
You should consider changing your mind.
And then you should change your mind.
He won't give us a line till he tracks down
the origins of this phone.
Hey, Dinah, stir the sauce.
- Two lines, right? - Yes, please.
Don't open the door.
Can I talk to you a minute?
Why are they suddenly always around?
- Who? - Martini and Rossi.
I don't know. They're just hanging out.
Here. They are hanging out here.
Yes, here. They got this place for me, remember?
They found the furniture for me. They suggested the layout.
- Why? - Why?
'Cause it's not obvious to the eye, Miriam.
It's a lot of fucking space to fill.
Susie, think. Why did they do all this for you?
'Cause you're just so fun to be around?
Fuck you. I am fun.
These guys aren't pals with people without a catch.
What's the catch?
What do you care?
They said something about a taste.
- A taste of what? - Okay, you need to relax.
These guys are mobsters.
Hey, I know what they are, okay?
They kidnapped me for a night, if you remember.
What are they getting a taste of?
Look, they did a favor for me.
Someday, I will do a favor for them. That's how it works.
What favor? You have nothing to give guys who want a favor.
- I have, too. - I am the favor.
Okay. We are done here.
Susie, please listen to me.
Boy, I have to tell you, one thing I am
very tired of doing right now, Miriam, is listening to you.
Moishe, careful.
- There's a step. - There's a step here, Moishe.
Right here. Watch the step.
Shirley, I have the onions.
- Slow down, Pop. - I am.
- I said slow down. - I go any slower,
technically, I will have stopped.
- Pop, please. - Joel, I love you.
You're my son. Now, fuck off.
Zelda's a genius. She's got everything arranged.
Your bedroom's down here.
- The dining room's in there. - This is silly.
I'm on display here like a prize pig.
The third doctor from the right said no stairs.
That's the fourth doctor from the left.
Third doctor from the right, fourth doctor from the left
is the same doctor, by the way.
And this is from the man that was dead a few days ago.
Let's get you in bed, Mr. Moishe.
Just a minute. I need to talk to Joely.
Wow. That's a sailor's grip you got there.
Okay. I'm on the bed.
I'm sitting very still. I'm not eating salt.
Can I talk to my son for a moment?
- Of course. - Listen.
I need to say something here.
On the night of... the thing, you were telling me about...
Pop, we don't have to do this.
I want you to know I heard you.
I heard everything you said.
Now, I will admit that the timing does seem suspicious,
but I need to make it very clear that I did not have the thing
- because you told me about your girlfriend. - You didn't?
I do not care that she is Chinese.
- Do I need to repeat this? - No.
I am surprised that she's pregnant,
but you have two kids and a zipper,
so not totally unexpected.
Plus, it's one more chance to name someone
after my Grandmother Helda.
No, it's not.
You love her. You're going to marry her,
have a family, another grandchild.
That's a mitzvah.
- That, we celebrate. - Thank you, Pop.
However, she has to be Jewish by the time you tell your mother.
- What? - It's easy. She meets a rabbi,
reads a book, takes a bath.
- Pop. - I'm getting very weak, Joel.
Try not to upset me.
Zelda made her beef tea, Moishe.
- Drink up. - Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- Ah, ah, ah, ah. - Rose.
Excuse us, Moishe.
Abe, my goodness.
What's the matter?
♪ Mama, Mama, for my sake...
Abe.
And, uh, I got something for you.
- ♪ Your tummy say howdy...
Just remember, I am going first.
Whatever you want, Abe.
Too thick. Too thin.
Too long. What kind of bread do you put that in?
- How long is she gonna take? - Shh!
Start again.
You just save me a piece of that wedding cake.
We're going to war, Vincent.
My God, that smells good.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
It gives me a great deal of pleasure to welcome you
to this performance of Lenny Bruce at Carnegie Hall.
The one thing I'd like to say about the label
of "sick comedian," which I think...
Is there anyone out there?
I don't know, man. Go out there and look.
No, I'm not gonna go out there and look.
Does it matter? Will it change anything?
It's fine. I'll just go out there
and entertain whatever junkie wandered in from Times Square.
Won't be the first time.
...but that Lenny Bruce comments, reflects,
holds up the mirror, so to speak,
to the sick elements in our society
that should be reflected upon and that should be spoken about.
And so at this time, ladies and gentlemen,
Lenny Bruce.
- Shit. - Oh.
- Go get 'em, Lenny.
- You're the best, Lenny! - All right, all right.
Cool it. Like, um...
I wasn't doing a milking bit, but it's ridiculous, man.
- Hee-hee!
You should dig my point of view here, man.
You know, uh, working Carnegie Hall is like, uh...
I dig it, you know.
- It's like a...
But it's a... I had a lot of fantasies with it, you know.
Uh, two great fantasies.
Uh, one, he introduces me
and I come out with a violin and I just cook, man.
But for an hour, man.
Every Stravinsky. Heavy like...
And I don't say a word, zugnish, and I split, you know.
You go, "What was that, man?"
"I don't know. It was a concert and he played a violin."
"He didn't do any bits?"
"No, man, he just wailed his ass off with a violin."
Yeah.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excu...
Okay. Now, number two fantasy is that, uh--
as this is the 12:00 scene--
uh, maybe the people who own this place
- don't even know we're here.
Right? Yeah.
You get a guy who's like a-a good corrupt janitor.
You know? "Uh, all right, but don't make no noise
and clean up after you're finished."
Okay. Okay, dig.
So now you've got a dopey cliché like, uh,
"Would you want your sister to marry one of them?"
Which, see, has... there's no logic there, see.
Because you got to tell me which sister, which one of them.
Because if I talk to a member of the Ku Klux Klan and I say,
"Uh, let's see, you're, uh, 35 years old,
you're unmarried, you're white, you're an attractive man.
I'm gonna give you a choice-- own free will--
of marrying a Black woman or a white woman.
Two chicks, about the same ages, same economic level,
and you make the choice.
But you got to marry her. Whatever marriage means to you.
Kissing and hugging and sleeping in a single bed
- on hot nights.
Fifteen years with a Black, Black woman
or 15 years with a white, white woman.
Kissing and hugging that Black, Black woman
or the white one.
You make your choice between the Black woman or the white woman.
The white woman...
is Kate Smith.
The Black woman
- is Lena Horne.
So, then you are not concerned
with Black or white anymore, are you?"
I don't know if there's any losers out here.
You know, when you break up with your old lady,
uh, get divorced, uh, here's the problem.
I don't know if you'll encounter it.
It's particularly a show business problem,
but, uh... because of my hours.
I'm not a particularly promiscuous person,
but I like to have someone, you know, to hang out with,
- to talk to.
Usually, I go out with chicks that are between 30 and 40,
because they're usually divorced
and good and bitter, too, you know.
But the hang-up is,
where can you go at 4:00 in the morning?
And every chick I know who's divorced
- has got a seven-year-old kid.
If they haven't got a seven-year-old kid,
they've got a mother who lives with them who's divorced, too.
- And those kinds of mothers are real nuts.
You know, complete competition with their daughters.
"Oh, you think I got nice legs? I was a Charleston dancer."
Yeah. Yeah.
And so the hang-up is,
at 4:00 in the morning, where you gonna...
If you say, uh, "motel," semantics, that's out.
Yeah.
Really. It's got, like, a lewd connotation.
So, I figured all kinds of devices, like, uh,
I tell a chick "a trailer."
- That sounds cute, right?
Nothing dirty about trailers.
"Hey, want to go to my trailer?"
"Yeah, okay. Where is it?"
"Well, it's in my motel room now."
"Yeah. I'll help you assemble it."
This one chick, oh, I kind of dug her, you know?
Uh, I known her a couple years, seen her after work.
And, uh, we're sitting there outside of the motel,
and, uh, she says, "All right, look.
I don't want to go in there.
I don't want to be embarrassed with the registering
and all that. You go in."
I say, "All right. Solid.
You stay in the car."
- So, I go in.
Uh, "Hello."
"Hello. Um...
How much is it here a month?"
- "Well, we just got a daily rate.
Six dollars."
"Uh...
I'll tell you what.
Uh...
My sister's out in the car, and, uh...
we had a terrible tragedy in our family.
My uncle passed away.
And I don't know if you've ever had a tragedy like that.
Uh, we were very close to him, in fact.
And, uh, she's all shook up. She's under sedation.
- She's just hysterical.
So, I'm gonna sleep with her."
Time to split.
Grab a shovel and go home.
Thank you.
- Excuse me.
Excuse me. Ooh, sorry if that was a foot!
- Ah! Ha! There she is.
Everyone, this is Midge Maisel.
Mrs., to those in the know.
Hey, hey, hey, how's your father-in-law?
He's fine, actually. He's gonna recover.
Oh, thank God. We were in a panic all evening.
Uh, can you all excuse me?
I have to talk to this lady for a moment.
Lenny, you were insanely great tonight.
Really.
The people around me never wanted you to stop.
Might've wanted you to slow down
if they were following you like this.
Lenny.
Little tip: the nicer the lady looks,
the worse her shoes are.
Wow.
This is amazing.
How did it feel?
How did it feel? Uh...
It felt great.
Been here before to see concerts,
but out in the audience, obviously.
I hear you turned down the Bennett gig.
Yeah.
I did.
Said you wouldn't even come to the phone.
Well, that was more Susie, but yes.
Okay.
Let's put aside for a moment
that I went to bat for you for that job.
I mean, really, I turned down their price three times.
"No, she can't work for that.
Do you have any idea what you're getting here?"
That's on me.
You didn't ask me to do that, so I'm the schmuck there.
- Lenny... - But I couldn't really figure out why.
So I asked around.
I don't know.
Were you being blacklisted again?
Did the Baldwin thing hurt you that much?
I'm at Carnegie Hall.
I've got five minutes where maybe I can help you
before I'm thrown out of the club again.
But then I heard that you were turning down gigs
right and left.
I made a decision to do things my way.
I'm sorry, what does that mean?
It means I just want to say what I want to say.
Why am I explaining this to you?
Why? Because my fucking mind is blown, that's why.
I don't understand.
No opening act gigs.
- Yes. - That's true?
Yes, that's true.
I told you about the manifesto.
Do you understand that this is a business?
Like anything else-- you get hired, you get paid.
- You understand that? - Yes, but...
And the trick is to get good and get paid.
I get paid at the Wolford.
Oh, come on. One thing you are not is dumb.
Wait a minute. You never compromise.
You get up onstage knowing the police could be there, or, hell,
that they are there, and you say
whatever the hell it is you want anyhow.
Why is it wrong for me to want to do
- the very same thing? - Jesus Christ, Midge.
What a fucking pedestal you put me on.
Getting arrested is not a badge of honor.
Getting arrested means I can't work where I want to work.
People are afraid of booking me.
It's exactly the opposite of what I want for myself.
- But... - Do you know how much I hate knowing that half
the people that come to see me are hoping I'm gonna get popped?
Hoping they'll have some great story to tell their friends
over cheese and crackers?
I want people to fucking laugh.
Think and laugh, sure, but laugh.
I'm a comic.
An entertainer.
Baggy pants, banana peels.
I'm not the stand-up messiah.
This is what I want.
This is what I have worked for.
Don't you want this?
Don't you want to be here?
Don't you want to know a thousand mental patients
braved a fucking snowstorm to see you?
- That should be the goal. - How do you know it's not?
Because you're not gonna get here
hiding yourself away in a club that technically doesn't exist.
- I'm not hiding. - You sure as fuck are hiding.
So what you got dumped by Baldwin?
Who gives a shit? Go get another gig.
And another and another.
So I'm just supposed to get fired
from one job after another?
Yes. If that's what it takes.
Listen to me.
I have made a lot of mistakes
and I am gonna keep making a lot of mistakes,
but one thing is crystal clear in my mind
and it's what the endgame is.
Oh, really? So that's what the bag in your...
No. Do not make this about me.
This is about you.
You wanted me to remember you're funny, right?
That night?
You didn't want me to think of you as just a girl.
You wanted me to think of you as a comic.
Well, don't you forget that I'm a comic, too.
Don't you dare look at me as someone to be pitied
or helped or fixed.
I do not want or need that, especially from you.
- I don't want to fix you. - Ninety percent of this game
is how they see you.
They see you hanging with Tony Bennett,
they think you deserve to be there.
They see you hauled off to jail
for saying "fuck" at a strip club,
they think you deserve that also.
Wise up.
I'm not hiding.
I have a plan.
Don't plan!
Work.
Just work and keep working.
There is a moment in this business,
window's open.
If you miss it, it closes.
Just don't...
If you blow this, Midge, I swear...
...you will break my fucking heart.
-"Friday Afternoons, Op. 7: Cuckoo!"]
- Kennedy/Johnson!
- We did it!
♪ Oops, there goes the opp...