- I thought he got evicted.
- Did you want two more? - I want something else.
Ooh, I'll have one of those.
Russell, is this the finale already?
- Yep. - But there was supposed to be another act.
- What happened to Lidia? - Lidia moved back to Ohio.
In the last hour?
Life's full of surprises.
She left her snake.
- And her dog.
Never mind.
Ow!
The curtain's stuck.
- It happens. - Yes, but what should we do?
Hey. I separate nuts and bolts.
See? I put nuts with the nuts and bolts with the bolts.
You are a stripper who doesn't take anything off
and just stands there yelling at people.
This is neither of our problems.
Okay, that's not what...
Never mind.
Well, that's the end of the... show.
I hope it's been an evening you will never...
- ever forget.
You've been a great audience.
Please get home safe...
- ...and tip the...
tip the waitresses!
They're armed!
Thank you and...
good... Really?
Charlie, you guys are supposed to play softer
when I talk, remember?
I never know when you're gonna talk.
Basically, any time I come out here,
I'm gonna talk.
It's your funeral.
Lipstick.
Boise, we still got a couple of kinks to work out here.
- Oh, yeah? Like what? - Well, the curtain stayed up,
the spot never hit me, the band played too loud
while I was talking, my mic cut out.
- You want to write this down? - No, I do not.
This is looking like a half-assed burlesque show.
It is a half-assed burlesque show.
- Boise... - Let's see how tomorrow goes.
- You keep saying that. - Well, I'm a hopeful guy.
Come on. These are not hard fixes.
If we had a sound check, we'd know if the mic is working.
Mic works. The sound guy just wasn't behind the board yet.
- And the curtain and... - Same guy who runs the board runs the curtain.
Maybe we could get a different guy to run the curtain.
What am I, the WPA? A fucking chicken in every pot?
You think I got the kind of money to hire a guy
just to run the curtain?
What's he do?
Huh.
Congratulations! You're the new curtain guy!
Now, about the finale.
Do you gals have any idea what you're doing out there?
- What do you mean? - When you came out onstage,
some of you looked confused.
- Tilly? - I just follow her.
We should do the finale earlier in the show.
We're tired by then.
Or some rehearsal might help.
Unless the crashing into each other is a creative choice.
No, that just happens.
And you--
- are you in your bra? - Yeah.
- Why? - Well, I can't go out there naked.
- There's laws. - Where's your costume?
Oh, the strap broke. I can't fix it,
and Dribbles ate my pasty.
Get me your costume. I'll have Zelda fix it.
- Who's Zelda? - I think she's the one who wears balloons
and pops 'em with her nails.
Shit. More competition.
Hey, it's movie night tonight!
Oh, I love movie night.
You gonna stay for movie night, Midge?
Can't tonight. I'm late for something.
Next time. I promise.
All of this has to get better!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Boise. - I hear you.
They hear you. Everyone hears you!
To new friends.
And the booze they bring.
Mmm. Perfect.
- I'm really glad we finally did this. - Me too.
I've been pulling all the late shifts
at the hospital this month.
The other doctors have families, so...
Don't worry. I like eating late.
Comes with the microphone.
It's very Spanish.
- The microphone? - Eating late.
I lived there for a year.
They don't sit down till 10:00. Even the kids.
- It's very different. - Oh, you got to live in Spain?
Was it amazing?
And delicious. The steak...
I was supposed to go this year. For work.
But it fell through. Some other time.
- Spain.
So, how long have you lived on el Lado Superior Oeste?
Hmm?
The Upper West Side. Spanish.
Got it. Well, I was born on the Upper West Side.
I actually live in the same building I grew up in.
Eso es increíble.
That's... good?
- Sí. - I could tell by the smile
and the fact that you didn't use the word "cancer."
Though you're a doctor, so "cancer" could be
your pickup line.
Eres una dama divertida.
You're very good.
- Gracias. - Ah, timing.
Fill 'er up, please.
- And I think we're ready to order. - Okay.
Uh, We'll both have a filete meio rara,
y una guarnicion de espinacas.
That's a medium-rare steak with a side of spinach.
He lived in Spain.
I'll be right back with your drink.
So, you're a comedian.
Oh, that's English. Sorry. Yes. I am a comedian.
And where do you get the ideas for your jokes?
Will you excuse me a moment?
I wore the wrong hat.
Jamon iberico de bellota el mejor del mundo.
Do you like ham?
No.
Spanish.
You are funny.
Have you ever seen a bullfight?
- Miriam! - Susie.
- What are you doing here? - Sorry to interrupt,
- but your kid is very sick. - Oh, no.
Yeah, he's throwing up all over the place.
Your rug's a total goner. I think he needs a doctor.
I am so sorry, Liam. I have to go.
- Well, should I come? - No. He needs a doctor.
- I am a doctor. - Oh. Well, yeah, but probably not the kind he needs.
- I'm a pediatrician. - He's an adult. - She said he's five.
Will you just come and check on your goddamn kid?!
Yes. I am so sorry about this.
Uh, we'll try it again. Really. Call me.
♪ We look cute when we're dressed in shorts...
You coulda told me he was a fucking doctor.
I know. I'm sorry.
If I'd have known, I would've said that the kid
had been abducted or something.
I promise to tell you next time.
And what do we need a code for?
All you have to do is call and say, "I picked another loser,
come the fuck down and save me."
We need the code in case he walks by and hears me.
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Well, all I know is this is the third crappy date
you've been on this month.
You gotta kiss some frogs.
You can't date civilians.
- Well, who am I going to date? - Someone in the business.
I am not gonna date a comic.
A comic? God, no. You fuck that frog before you date a comic.
- Then who? - I don't know.
How about a ventriloquist?
Why the hell would I date a ventriloquist?
He goes around with a toy.
You've got kids. Seems like a slam dunk to me.
You've gotta be kidding.
At least he's bound to have a personality.
Two, actually.
- A ventriloquist? - Yes.
A man who sits with a wooden version of a tiny man
on his lap and tries to make it talk.
That's who you want me to date?
When I look at you, I see ventriloquist.
Hey, Susie...
What, Miriam?
- When was the last relationship that you had? - What?
We always talk about me and my relationships. What about you?
I haven't seen you with anybody
- since we've been together. - So?
- Just curious about your life. - My life is you. That's it.
Thinking about you. Talking about you.
Waiting for you, rescuing you from bullshit dates.
- I don't have time for anything else. - Yeah, but...
As soon as I get you off my fucking hands
and make you a star, I can shove you out on an iceberg
and focus on something else.
Fine.
What?
Maybe I've been hanging out with you for too long,
but I actually do think you wore the wrong hat.
Two years ago, you directed Vertigo,
Terrific film. Last year, it was North By Northwest,
which completely ruined my love
of long walks through cornfields.
- Mission accomplished.
And now we have Psycho, which I understand is very scary.
So, let me ask you, Mr. Hitchcock,
because I'm curious: what scares you?
Hard-boiled eggs.
I-I was not expecting that.
I was thinking more spiders, or ex-wives.
I find them disgusting.
Do you not find hard-boiled eggs disgusting?
I confess, I have not put much thought into it.
Well, you should...
Ethan, if you have to make pee-pee,
just pee-pee and go back to bed.
It's not Ethan.
Papa, if you have to make pee-pee,
just pee-pee and go back to bed.
I don't have to make pee-pee!
Could I have a quick word with you, please?
Hold on.
- Ow.
- What time is it? - It's midnight.
And Susie is blasting that damn TV again.
She's been having trouble sleeping.
The TV helps her relax.
Has she tried sleeping pills?
Your mother has a gallon jug of them in the closet.
She says they make her loopy the next day.
Same with your mother, but who can tell?
Who says my pills make me loopy?
I was just saying to Miriam
that Susie has stayed here longer than expected.
Her friend dying in her apartment really threw her.
I'm sorry, but when my close friend Mordecai Glickman
died playing squash,
I was back on the squash court at 6:00 the next morning.
I forgot that it was to play Mordecai,
so it was all for naught, but you get my point.
Her time here does seem endless.
And I told Asher he could bunk here.
Should I steer him to some godforsaken motel?
There's room for Asher. It'll be tight, but we'll get by.
Can I get anyone anything?
Zelda, it's so late. Why are you here?
Miss Susie is using a plate and a glass,
so I stayed late so I can wash them.
Zelda, I'll wash Susie's plates when she's done.
- But that's my job, Miss Miriam. - It doesn't matter.
So I should go to the comedy buildings
and make with the jokes... because it doesn't matter?
Is the TV too loud?
What TV? I didn't hear the TV. Was it on?
- I can turn it down. - You don't need to turn it down.
I'm gonna find my own place any day, I promise.
Stay as long as you like, Susie. Really.
Yes, yes, the invitation is open-ended.
Good night, Susie.
- See you in the morning. - Yeah.
What are you still doing here?
- Excuse me, Abe? - Yeah.
There's a guy here.
He's been sitting in the hallway for half an hour.
We finally asked, and he said he was a friend of yours.
- Of mine? - Then he said, "Check that.
Abe and I used to be friends, because a friend doesn't
stab a friend in the back with a rusty knife
dipped in arsenic, then wrap a guitar string..."
I got it. Thank you, Isobel.
- Asher. - Abe. Hello.
Why didn't you come get me?
I could see you were busy typing-- it looked important.
Maybe you were tattling on a sick relative
or ratting out your son for stealing a Necco Wafer
when he was 12.
Moving on.
I have us all set up with Michael Kessler
to deal with the FBI, so feel at ease.
He's a great attorney. Best in the business.
Sacco and Vanzetti had the best in the business, too.
Must have been a great comfort
as they sat in their electric chairs
listening to their brains melt.
I'm almost done here. Come sit with me.
- I don't want to bother you. - You want to
walk around the Village a bit? Get some souvenirs?
I stepped on a spent condom coming in here,
so I'm all set for souvenirs.
Yes, good. Okay. I'll be right out.
Don't rush.
Swear I had coffee cups when I left the factory.
- Just use a bowl. - I don't have bowls.
You don't have bowls? Don't you eat soup?
I don't trust soup. It tells you it's food,
but you eat it, and you're never full.
- Feels like a scam.
Hello?
- Hello, Joely. - Hi, Ma.
- It's your mother, Shirley. - I know, Ma.
- What can I do for you? - Oh, nothing.
I was just checking in. How's your new apartment?
- It's great. - So you don't miss us at all?
What do you need, Ma?
I was just wondering where you're gonna be on Friday night.
- I'll be at the club. - You're sure?
- I'm sure. - Around 8:00?
- Why, Ma? - No reason.
- Is your blue suit pressed? - Why, Ma?
Because you look very nice in your blue suit.
- Thank you, but... - Well, it was nice catching up.
Remember, wear your blue suit Friday night. I love you.
- And your room is here when you want it. - Ma?
- Wait, Ma.
So, when this soup tells you it's food,
does it speak or spell it out in little alphabet letters or...
I think it's time for you to meet my parents.
- Did you hear me? - Nope.
I put them off for as long as I could,
- but we are out of time. - Nope.
- We have no choice. - Nope.
- Mei. - Are you insane?
- I know it'll be awkward. - It'll be a disaster!
Joel. I mean...
They won't care that you're short.
But they will care that I look like their dry cleaner.
You're in luck. My mother does not use a dry cleaner.
Are you aware of all the colorfully descriptive words
- that'll come to their minds when they see me? - No.
- You want me to rattle them off? - No, thanks.
I'll just write them down.
I've heard these terms my entire life,
so the list will be comprehensive.
This is not helping.
Mei.
- Mei. - Hold on.
Okay. You made your point.
You think I'm an idiot?
I know that there's a lot of ugly shit out there
that people... Oh, now, that one, you made up.
That was my nickname in kindergarten.
Look, I know my parents.
You being Chinese-- yes, it will be a surprise.
But trust me, it will not be their biggest problem.
- No? - You not being Jewish,
that's gonna wake the neighbors.
Right. They don't want you with a gentile.
And a Chinese girl is like a double gentile.
Triple gentile. More.
Basically, you're walking in with the Lawrence Welk singers.
Well, what's the alternative, huh? We're together.
They have to find out. Your parents know.
Yes, they do.
Would you like to know all the colorfully descriptive words
that came to their minds when they found out?
I'll just write 'em down.
I'm gonna need a lot more paper.
Do you understand what's happening here?
My mother's sending girls to my workplace.
One's coming Friday,
and I have no proof she's not sending the rabbi.
Well, he's not much of a rabbi if he's working on Friday.
She won't stop till I'm married.
I'm okay with being a mistress.
- Well, I'm not. - You were with Midge.
Hey.
- Sorry. - What the fuck?
I know. I'm sorry. I am. But...
I can't.
- I just can't. - Mei.
Mei.
We have to discuss this.
Mei?
You can't just run.
- I know where you live. - No, you don't.
No, I don't. Fuck me.
But what's funny is...
- Get this, get this. - Yeah, this is fucking great.
Come on, all you told me is you cut some guy's balls off.
Right, right. We cut them off.
But we stuffed them into the other guy's mouth.
And the other guy's balls
- got stuffed into the first guy's mouth. - Yeah.
Yeah, when you cut off a guy's balls,
you're supposed to stuff them in the mouth
of the guy the fucking balls belong to.
So we were like, "What do we do? Switch them back?"
How do you do that? I mean, rigor mortis was setting in.
Their jaws were clenching tight.
Yeah, yeah. So, we were weighing our options.
Then we heard sirens, so we decided to split.
I know you make half this shit up,
but it's still fucking great.
Yeah, we really don't make things up.
- Hey, can I get another Coke? - Hey, get two.
This is on us.
Whatever you want. We haven't seen you in forever.
Mm, been too busy licking my wounds.
Ah, Shy Baldwin. He sings like an angel
- but sounds like a douche. - I don't want to talk about it.
Well, he's Giancana's anyway, so we can't touch him.
Right now, I'm just focused on finding a place to live.
I'm crashing with Midge,
but her family's driving me nuts.
- What's your price point? - For an apartment?
Well, be a stretch,
but I could afford a nickel a month.
Know any apartments going for a nickel a month?
I, uh... I think we could help you here.
- Really? How? - We know a place.
- We'll take you later today. - Great.
- Thanks. - And if it works out,
we can write this lunch off on our taxes.
Taxes.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir?
Hi. I was wondering...
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Hi. Sorry. I was just wondering
- if perhaps you could help me with something. - Help you with what?
Well, I am looking for a place, a bar,
where someone like me but not me-- a friend--
could maybe drink with someone else like me.
- What? - You know,
a place where a lady could drink with another lady?
I can't help you.
Excuse me. I am looking for a bar
where women like me can drink with other women like me.
Or just women in general.
They don't have to be like me. They just have to be...
- You're a cop. - What?
No, I'm not a cop.
This is Dior!
Excuse me. I am not a cop.
I have a record.
Hi. I'm not a cop. I was just wondering...
Hello. I am not a cop. I was won...
Hello. Not a cop. I was just wondering...
Hi. I'm not a cop. I'm not...
Not a cop. I...
I am not a cop.
- So, you have a friend? - I'm sorry?
I believe you were making an inquiry for a friend?
Oh. Yes. I was.
My friend. Yes. I was just wondering
- if maybe... - I know two or three places
you might be looking for.
You do? Oh, that would be wonderful.
And I assume there is no friend.
No, there is a friend. Really.
If you insist.
I do. She is.
Okay. And this friend, i-is she like you?
- Me? - Yeah.
Well, anatomically.
Does she dress like you?
Like me? Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
She definitely does not.
Sorry. I was just picturing her
in my kumquat daisy dress with reverse pattern hat.
It's good.
Oh, God, the corset.
So it's not a very good friend.
No, it is.
Sorry. Mm.
Sorry. I'm back.
- I missed you. - You were saying?
There's this new place. It just opened.
I hear it's very welcoming
to a mixture of different attires.
- It's right on... - Wait.
Go ahead. Oh, is it okay if I write this down?
You're gonna have to eat that paper later.
A joke.
- It's right up... - Wait.
You're not a cop, are you?
- This is Dior, too. - Ooh.
- He's not there.
He's there. Give him time.
So far I've heard six rings and zero answers.
Michael Kessler's office.
Oh, great, they decided to pick up.
- Pardon? - Y-Yes, hello.
Uh, can you hear me okay?
I can hear you fine.
It's Abe Weissman and Asher Friedman for Michael.
Yes, well, Michael is just on his way back from...
- What? - This thing of yours
- is not working. - Could you repeat that?
This thing of yours is not working!
Not you. Her.
Michael is just coming up the stairs. Hold, please.
Oh, great, now they've got us on hold.
He's coming up the stairs.
- Michael! - What?
Abe Friedman is on the phone for you!
She can't even get the names right.
- Shit. Hold on, hold on. I'm coming. - Oh, good.
- he sounds very professional.
Is that a cat? Does he have a cat?
- Is he coming? - Michael's coming. Michael!
I'm coming, geez! Keep your pants on.
How long is this fucking staircase?
Hello.
Michael, it's Abe Weissman
- and Asher Friedman. - Right.
- How are you? - Peachy. How's your cat?
- Good? - Michael, last we spoke,
you said you were going to talk
to someone at the FBI field office.
Were you able to do that?
Yeah, yeah, I did, and I had
an incredibly productive conversation with him.
Abe, are you purposefully trying to torture me?
- We didn't get that, Michael!
- Oh, Jesus Christ. - I was saying
I spoke to the guy, and I got good news.
They have nothing on you. Nothing.
Some stuffed shirt read your column
and got his feathers ruffled and kicked it down the chain,
but it's going nowhere.
- Really? - Think about it.
You broke into a federal building
one night. Minor.
You lit a small fire. Bigger,
but the damage was tiny, and no one got hurt.
The next year, they tore the building down
to build something new, and everyone
who would give a shit is dead.
So this is a big, fat nothing.
It's a big, fat nothing.
They still want to meet to get something on the record,
but you don't even have to do it at an FBI office.
They'll come to you, and it'll be over in a flash.
- Oh, my God.
Over? As in "over," over?
Over as in "forever."
- It's gonna be over. - Forever!
Over forever! I don't believe it!
- This is fantastic!
I love this cat!
- Dorothy Parker never forgave you.
- Oh, Dorothy Parker never knew who I was.
Dorothy Parker had a crush on you, Asher.
- You boasted about it. - Well, she did follow me
into the men's room at the Algonquin once,
but that was before the incident with the hat.
Asher was a very good-looking young man.
Sort of a barrel-chested strongman type.
I used to lift weights with Johnny Weissmuller.
Tarzan himself. Is that meshuggeneh?
Hey, don't hold out.
What happened to Dorothy Parker's hat?
- I sat on it. - Oh, dear.
Second time at the round table, I sat, I listened,
they said clever things.
An hour later, I stood,
and the damn hat is stuck to my ass.
- So, Dorothy sizes me up
and says, "A poem.
Today I entered with a hat
And now it sits where someone shat."
- Crazy, the things that happen,
- that I've been through. - How about our short, unsuccessful stint
as furniture movers, Asher?
Oh. That piano.
How we thought we could move a piano.
Up a flight of stairs. A baby grand.
- Oh, my God. - I remember this.
Two hours to get it up,
ten seconds to watch it tumble down the stairs
and land on a squirrel
- on Bank Street. - Ooh. - Oh, God.
- What was that? Spring of '27? - Uh, fall, I think.
I was in the thick of my work at Columbia.
It may even have been late '26.
No. No, it had to be '27,
because that's when Rosie and I were seeing each other.
I'm sorry. One more time?
More ancient history.
She showed up for our first date
with that Louise Brooks haircut.
Remember? With the bangs?
- Unfortunately. - Ah,
I remember that haircut, too.
I'm sorry, hold on.
You two went out together? And you had bangs?
Oh, it was all so long ago.
Where were you, Papa?
I was dating Tarzan at the time.
- Wait. Wait, wait.
Was this before you two were together?
- It was in between. - In between?
- You-you had an intermission? - We broke up for a while.
You did?
I made a young man's mistake
and told your mother I couldn't see her
because I needed to focus on my PhD.
Who could focus when you're with the beautiful Rosie?
- Oh, stop.
We went together, what, one month?
- Two months? - Somewhere in there.
And you knew?
I had to tell him 20 times,
but he finally seemed to hear me.
And by then, I had gotten back together
with Delores. Wife number one.
I was not as lucky as Abe and Rosie,
- that's for sure. - I'll grab us another bottle of wine.
- Mm. - Then I want to hear more
about that fling you had with Tarzan.
It was a crazy time, the '20s.
Everyone went out with everyone.
Carol went out with John, who went out with Martha,
- who went out with Abigail. No one could keep track.
- That's for sure.
Who did Delores marry after you, Asher?
- John Barrymore. - I knew it was someone famous.
- Really? - I went to their wedding.
- I outdrank John. - What was that wedding like?
Big. Expensive.
And then they got divorced. She married her obstetrician.
Her obstetrician?
- Guess the man liked what he saw.
- Our last bottle. - Mmm.
Then we break into Rose's sherry stash.
You know, I-I just might change my train ticket
and stay another day or two if that's okay.
- Fine by me. - Oh, please do, Asher.
I'd love to visit some of my places in the Village,
hit my old haunts.
- It's been a long time. - It's changed some.
This is the place?
- This is the place. - Big.
- Big and airy. - It needs a spruce.
But try to look beyond the dirt.
It's got nice northern exposure, a classic view.
Nine subway lines right below us,
so the commute's easy from anywhere.
Good people on this floor, too.
When they see something, they don't talk.
But what is this place? What was it before?
Well, we used it as a kind of house
that one could feel, uh, safe in.
- So it was a safe house? - Something like that.
There's a giant blood stain on the floor.
- Wasn't so safe for that guy. - A nice rug will cover that up.
We think this place would be perfect for you.
Guys, I can't afford this.
Hey, we're aware of your financial predicament.
It's sitting here empty, collecting dust. Use it.
I wouldn't know what to do with this much space.
I mean, there's only one of me, and I'm never home.
What? You get another desk, add a settee,
throw a Murphy bed in the back room, maybe a plant.
You get a nice table out here,
you put out some coffee, some Danish.
You get your name etched on the door.
My name?
Susie Myerson and Associates.
It's the perfect live-work combination.
It's your chance to expand. Start your business.
Live here, work here.
And start to make some real money.
And we can even delay charging you rent or anything like that
till you get settled and got a cash flow.
Just give us a little piece of the action in return.
Of Susie Myerson and Associates.
Yeah, yeah.
Does that sound okay? You give us a taste?
- Yeah, sure, whatever. - Great.
Everybody wins.
Susie Myerson and Associates.
I got a shit ton of work to do on it,
and I stopped counting the rats
after it got into the triple digits,
but the elevator fucking works, there is a bathroom,
oh, and the view. Did I tell you about the motherfucking view?
- Are these odds or evens?
Oh, the view alone says "big cheese."
I'm only gonna take meetings at night
so that all potential clients will walk in and see that view.
- Did we pass it? - And as they stand there
and look at that view, I'll walk up behind them and say...
"You see that?
Sign with me, and it's all yours."
I mean, I won't say it like that
with an emphysemic pimp voice,
- but just wait till you see it. - Ah! Here it is.
- - Fucking great view.
- Now, I have to install a phone
and buy some office equipment.
Gonna need a lot of pencils.
Don't even know what I'll use them for,
but I'll have them, and I'll keep them sharp.
- Oh, table. - Hey, maybe I should get some of those paper clips.
File covers for files. There's gonna be a lot of files.
Hey, I should get my own typewriter.
Maybe two typewriters. That crazy?
You know what? I'll start with one, see how it goes.
I am gonna type the shit out of that typewriter.
Whiskey neat. Two.
Hey, should I get a secretary?
Harry has three secretaries.
That's when you know you made it,
when there're three dumpy broads sitting outside
your office that know all your shit.
- Let's get a drink. - Done.
I have to say, I'm...
Okay, fuck it. I'm excited.
There, I said it. Eat me, I'm excited!
- Oh, it's our song.
♪ I'm nobody...
What is this?
It's new.
- Did you... - What?
Did you bring me to a lesbian bar?
Fun, huh?
- What the fuck? - What the fuck, what?
I just said "eat me" really loud.
- Are you upset? - Why would you do this?
Well, I just thought I'd try.
I mean, I-I... It-it... I never know...
You never talk about yourself.
That's 'cause it's none of your business.
Yeah, but we're together all the time,
and I just thought I'd try...
- I don't care. - What?
I just want you to know I don't care.
- You don't? - No. I am totally comfortable
with you being whatever it is you want to be.
Well, thank you very much for your permission.
- I didn't mean... - May I go to the bathroom?
Do I need a note from my mother to get out of gym class?
I just meant you can tell me anything.
Jesus Christ. Miriam.
How did you even know about this place?
What, you hang out on Christopher Street
asking guys with carnations in their lapels
where to find a butch bar?
No. I was...
not that specific.
What'd you think, you'd bring me here,
I'd look around and just... dive in?
I wanted to give you the option.
I didn't have a plan.
I just thought we'd hang out, check out the scene.
"The scene"?
This is the Village. I live here.
You think I don't know how to find a lesbian bar?
There are three within rock-throwing distance.
Two doors down, there's guys
sticking their fists up each other's asses.
This is my town. I know everything.
You are always alone. Always.
So the fuck what?
I don't want you to be alone.
Let me worry about that.
- I want you to be happy. - Mm.
Great. Pay for my drink.
Susie.
I am focused on one thing right now.
Susie Myerson and Associates. That's it.
Being your manager. Not just your manager.
Being a manager. The manager. Do you understand?
- Yeah, but... - I got a fucking view!
Fuck.
I can't give your money back.
- I spent it. And that's not magic. - What can I get you?
- It's commerce. - No, I'm just here to...
- Hey!
You're shooting fish in a barrel!
- Take it outside. - Two out of three.
Shut up. Welcome to Susie Myerson and Associates.
You'll love the view. Now move!
Here you go, doll.
Mitzi! You're up.
- Move your ass!
- Hey! - Yeah?
You have to knock.
- What? - From now on.
You can't just come in here,
stick your face in, stick anything in,
- before you knock.
This dressing room is for ladies only.
You are a man. Right?
- Yes. I'm a man. - Men... knock.
- But I run this place. - You run the theater.
We run the dressing room. Oh, and people's asses are attached
to the rest of their bodies. so a simple,
"Mitzi, you're up," will do.
If she goes, her ass goes, too.
- Got it? Great. - Uh...
Great, let's review. You, boy.
Boys...
- Knock. - Trial run. Give it a shot.
A little louder if you want them to hear.
But A for effort.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Okay? - Okay!
Did she just call us fucking ladies?
Great. Bye.
Susie, you missed it.
I banned Boise from the dressing room.
There's a knock policy now.
Boys knock because girls have knockers.
I know. Save it for the stage, but you know.
- Payday. Payday. - What?
Ah, geez, the both of you.
- The day you reach into your little cash box. - Okay, okay.
- And you hand me the money. - I got it.
- That you owe me. - I'm doing it.
- Top drawer. Right side. - Mm-hmm.
- I know where the box is. - Under the keys.
It's my drawer. I know what's in my drawer.
I bet you know what every one of those is for, huh?
You know, technically I don't have to give you this
until she's finished her last set of the night,
but I'm a prince, so...
Well, pleasure doing business with you, Your Highness.
Will you just talk to me for a minute?
- I wanted to talk to you about... - Here.
Thank you. Susie, please.
Susie, stop.
Susie, just...
Shit.
You're up, Maisel. Get your...
Get it... that thing behind you...
Get...
- Oy!
Oh. You gonna talk?
Yeah. I figured, what the fuck?
Let's have another hand for Mitzi.
Hey guys, I'm curious.
How many of your wives know you're here tonight?
- Whoa!
Hmm?
Little news for you.
All of them.
And how? Laundry.
- Shh, shh, shh. - Because laundry is the diary of your day.
One sniff of your shirt, they can smell Lucy,
your "loose-y" secretary.
They can smell the horse track.
The cigars with the boys. The cigars with Lucy.
And they can definitely smell this place.
Plus they go through your pants and wallets at night
while you're asleep.
They know everything.
They just pretend they don't. And why?
Because they've got their own secret lives.
Oh, you don't think your wife has a life
you don't know about?
Your wife is home alone all day long.
You know who else is around your house all day long?
Milkmen, mailmen...
handymen...
salesmen.
Do you know how many products there are to sell out there?
Any of you come home one day,
and there's a brand new vacuum cleaner?
I mean, you had a perfectly good one when you left
in the morning but then, ding dong, "Hi, I'm handsome."
"Want to reach those hard-to-reach spots?
"I've got an expandable attachment
that you're gonna love."
Hey, you think I pay you to stand there?
Customers, drinks, go.
And you want her to have that secret life.
Trust me. 'Cause if she didn't,
with all that she knows about yours,
she'd spend those lonely nights sitting there thinking,
"How long would I have to hold this pillow
over his face before his breathing stops?"
I can answer that, ladies.
Three minutes. Two and a half if he smokes.
Now hold on to your Great Gatsbys, guys,
'cause here comes our salute
to the Roaring '20s!
- Heads up. - Huh?
Motherfucker!
Boy, you're almost as funny as the men comics.
We're gonna work on that.
- Oh, shit!
We really appreciate you doing this on our home turf,
- Agent Webber. - Yes, thank you.
I live six blocks away, so I get to walk home tonight.
- Good deal. - Excuse me, can I get anything else for anybody?
Coffee? Tea?
By the time you brew it, I'll be gone, but thank you, ma'am.
Yes, thanks, Rosie.
Now, gentlemen, let me remind you both
that you're under oath.
Yes, sir.
That's Abe's way of saying, "Got it."
Then let's proceed.
So, some years ago, there was an incident.
And it hit our files.
Careful with that, it's a relic.
And Mr. Weissman recently wrote
about this incident in The Village Voice.
And it implicated the two of you, but I am here today
to see what we can do to close this matter. Mr. Kessler?
Thank you. For the record, we've got two young men
of a bygone era-- activists, patriots--
who walk into a federal building, admittedly uninvited,
they cause a little mischief, then leave
without harming a fly. Those are the facts.
Now, hold on, since we're under oath,
no fly was harmed, but a water bug...
...got it pretty good.
Ah, this all seems very open and shut.
No harm, no foul.
I believe I already have more than enough here
- to report back to D.C. that... - Asher walked into the building.
I'm sorry, uh, what?
Asher walked into the building.
I didn't go inside the building.
I stayed outside.
We don't need to Martha Graham this whole thing, right?
With the precise choreography?
I'm under oath, so I'm being accurate.
Asher walked into the building.
Asher lit the fire, Asher committed arson.
- Look, gentlemen... - Abe, what are you doing?
I'm telling the FBI what happened.
You walked into the building...
And you stood lookout, which makes you just as culpable.
I didn't know he was going in
to commit an act of arson. You should write that down.
Well, why did you think I was going in?
To admire the portrait of Warren G. Harding?
Whoa, whoa! Guys, guys, slow down!
Old friends. Old, cranky, loquacious friends.
He also vandalized the stock exchange in 1923.
Is that in your files?
Abe, what the fuck?!
Just him, not me. You really should write this down.
- I'm gonna need a pen. - You do not need a pen.
In fact, Agent Webber, can we speak in private?
I have some background information that may help here.
Sure. Should I bring a pen?
Do not bring a pen.
- Why? - Why?
I heard yelling. What happened?
How long did you two go out?
What are you talking about?
You and Rosie. How long?
Oh, no.
Do not tell me that this is what it's about.
I want to know how long my alleged wife
went out with my alleged best friend.
Abe, I told you I went out with Asher.
- You did not. - I did!
20 times, at least!
Rose, I admit that sometimes I don't listen to you,
but this time, I was listening to you
when you did not tell me that you schtupped my best friend.
- Abe! - I'm sorry.
So you're selling me out to the FBI
because Rosie and I went out a few times?
A few times? The other day, it was two months. How long was it?
It was 35 years ago-- who cares?!
And you, you with your, "He was so good-looking
when he was young." Is there anything else
you want to tell me about?
Abe Weissman, you're being irrational.
What parts of this woman's body did you touch?
- Abe! - What?
What parts? Because I want to mark them off,
and I am never going to touch those parts again.
Are you hearing yourself?
I have just the right chalk.
Long lasting, doesn't erase.
Abe...
I've had enough of you two!
Abe...
You are out of your fucking mind!
- Abe! - Did he just lock himself in his room?
Abe, may I remind you that you broke up with me.
Rose, may I remind you that I was working on my PhD,
and I told you that when it was complete, I might come back!
I was very upfront and sincere about that.
Asher, I'm very sorry about this.
Abe is completely out of line.
Oh, good, he's back.
I could have schtupped Delores.
- What? - Yeah, while you and Rose
and her Louise Brooks harlot hair were catting about,
Delores made it very clear that she wanted me badly.
Delores wanted everybody, Abe!
Eugene O'Neill, Aaron Copland,
Tarzan, Josephine Baker.
Sh-sh... My God...
What?
I just had an idea for a play.
- What? - It's the best idea
for a play I've had in 20 years.
I-I see it.
I see the arc of the whole thing.
- I got to write this down. - Asher,
do not write a play about this!
- I need a pen! - Do not get a pen!
Up yours, Abe!
If you get a pen and write a play,
I'll destroy it in The Voice.
I will! I'll do that!
I have no doubt.
Goodbye, Abe.
Last word of advice, writer to writer.
You over-use "quite," and "thusly" is a stupid word.
Fuck you, don't call me again.
And please throw out that weird chalk of yours.
Rosie.
Goodbye.
Your Louise Brooks was a knockout.
Don't you tell Rosie that her fad hairdo was a knockout!
Asher. Asher!
This is why I need a study.
'Cause... I have no place to go.
- Out, out!
Don’t come back soon!
Hey, guy at table six wants a ring in a glass.
- Great. - But he gave me two, and he wants us to pick.
That's ridiculous. I mean, how are we supposed
to pick another man's... Ooh!
- I like that one. - Yeah, that was my first choice, too.
But will it make her finger look too fat?
Yeah, the pear-shape tends to elongate.
But boy does this one sparkle.
Your new guy doesn't know me!
Let her in, Hal. Either one's fine.
This is too much pressure. Hey, Midge!
- Hey, Arch. - You want a drink?
- I do. - Martini up with olives?
- I'm so predictable. - If only.
Hey, how long are those guys on?
I need ten minutes to try out some stuff.
- Really? - Yeah, I'm working on a new bit for the strip club
that I'm not quite sure about, and I'd rather bomb here
- than at the real place. - Thank you.
- You're welcome. - Wait.
- Did you say strip club? - Yes.
You're working at a strip club?
- Yes. You didn't know? - No.
- Didn't Ethan tell you? - Why would he tell me?
- I told him to tell you. - You told our five-year-old son
to tell me you're working at a strip club?
- Did he forget? - Yes, he forgot.
Thank God, he forgot. I don't want our son thinking
about his mother at a strip club.
It's not like I did a number for him.
- Strip club. - I'm the emcee.
But what about your career?
What do you mean, what about my career?
- This is part of my career. - Okay.
- What? - I'm not gonna say anything.
Then don't say you're not gonna say anything,
'cause that's saying a thing.
Working in a strip club just seems like a step back.
Many famous people got their start in strip clubs.
Lenny worked at strip clubs.
You took me to see him at a strip club.
You were opening for Shy Baldwin a few months ago.
- So? - So how is anyone gonna
take you seriously in a jiggle joint?
Have you been talking to Susie?
No, I have not been talking to Susie, why?
Because you're saying exactly the same things Susie says.
Well, maybe Susie's right about this.
Maybe you should hire her as your manager.
Oh, wait a minute.
Mei.
Hi.
What's up, Doc?
I'm sorry, am I, uh...
I'm just trying to wrangle some stage time.
- Oh. - I swear.
Okay. I didn't know if this was
Joel's mother trying to get you two back together again.
No! Absolutely not!
- Wow. Lightning fast. - I just meant...
Well, I'm gonna be in your office, so, uh...
That's all, folks.
What was that about?
What? You started the Looney Tunes thing.
I'm talking about the Shirley comment.
- You want your ten minutes? - Yep.
Just don't stink so much that you clear the place out.
I make no guarantees.
She said yes!
Congratulations, Arch.
How long have I been here?
- Three days. - I should go.
- Okay. - I can't move.
Throw up, dry out, and sleep.
We start tomorrow.
Replace glass.
Replace board.
Replace pipe.
Replace faucet.
Replace toilet seat.
Aw, Jesus.
Replace toilet.
She knows me.
Shit!
Shit.
Hello to you, too.
I'm busy, Sophie.
You found an office.
I tried to close the door.
Yeah, it's being fixed.
I'm just commenting on the fact
that I tried and failed.
Because it's very broken.
And unattractive.
You should also get a new desk.
What do you want?
You don't have a chair.
I can't sit if you don't have a chair.
You don't seem to care.
I'll hold it so it won't fall on you on the way out.
For the first time in 30 years,
I can't get any work.
No venue in this country will book me anymore.
Not even Phoenix.
Not that I can stomach going back on the road again.
I'm financially overextended, meaning
I have more expenses than money to cover them.
- Yeah, I know what overextended means. - Well, you're
so quiet over there, so I wasn't sure.
My business manager said
my lifestyle needs to change.
And then he quit.
So that's a change.
My dogs won't eat canned food.
Even though it's not that bad.
What do you want, Lucille?
Don't you want to know how I know
- the dog food's not that bad? - Nope.
There's a brand-new NBC game show.
They're looking for a host, and I want it.
It's perfect for me. I'd be great at it.
But the network won't even meet with me.
I'd audition, I'd test.
Whatever they want. But they won't even consider it.
I called Harry a hundred times.
He won't take my calls.
I even went to his office once.
They said he was golfing. It was raining out.
Plus he walked right by me, so I know they were lying.
That's terrible. Kind of like you've been blackballed.
Yes.
It doesn't feel good, does it?
No.
Doesn't feel good at all.
Well, I'm sorry, Soph, our paths have diverged.
That means your path went one way and my path went another.
I know what diverged means.
Okay, well, seeing as how our paths have diverged,
I think it's best that we-- you and me--
we stay, you know... diverged.
You didn't finish very strong there.
Fuck you. Let me fix my desk.
What if I were to apologize?
I got enough to clean up here without your head exploding.
You put my show on Broadway.
You did that. No one else even tried.
Look, Sophie, I am sorry about the game show.
I just don't know what I could do.
Well, if you happen to think of anything...
...I'd be very grateful.
You got Dawes driving you home?
Dawes left.
Shit.
Hey.
If I do this-- help you--
you got to fucking agree to lose my number.
- I promise.
Oh, will you look at that.
You got...
Wonderful.
Wonderful!
What the fuck is wrong with me?
That's the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen.
I hope it's been a night you will never forget.
You've been a great audience, please get home safe.
Don't forget to tip the waitresses.
They're armed. I'm Mrs. Maisel.
Thank you and good night.
Perfect!
Ow.
Hey, Midge fell in the pit.
- On purpose? - Did you push her?