("Somewhere Beyond the Sea" by Bobby Darin playing)
♪ Somewhere ♪
(whistle blowing)
♪ Beyond the sea... ♪
Buy yourself some driving gloves.
Whew, it's hot.
Watch the bag guy, watch the bag guy.
-Right. Uh, please put those on the bottom. -Those shoes need a shine, kid.
-Those are hats. Hats on top, right-side up. -Yes, ma'am.
-Hats on top. So you remember. -Thank you, sir.
Maisel and Myerson. You got a girl? Take her to a show.
-Thank you. -I'm sweating my ass off. Are you sweating your ass off?
-Take off your jacket. -How's that gonna help my ass?
-Welcome to the Fontainebleau. -Susie Myerson.
-Buy yourself something pretty. -We're here with the Shy Baldwin tour.
Ah, yes. Follow me.
-Susie Myerson. Remember the face. -I will.
-Susie Myerson. Remember the face. -Absolutely.
Susie Myerson. Remember the face.
You don't have to tip everyone, you know.
Eh, to be a big shot, you got to act like a big shot.
Big shots tip.
But that guy doesn't work here.
What? Shit.
Hey! Give me that back!
♪ It's near beyond the moon ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ Beyond a doubt ♪
♪ My heart will lead me there soon ♪
♪ We'll meet ♪
♪ Beyond the shore ♪
♪ We'll kiss just as before... ♪
Oh. 'Scuse me.
♪ Happy we'll be beyond the sea ♪
♪ And never again ♪
♪ I'll go sailing ♪
-Hello. I'm Miriam... -Got it.
-Oh. -Maisel and Myerson.
That's for you. Get yourself a hokeypokey.
-Welcome to the Fontainebleau. We have you in a... -Standard room,
-twin beds. -Facing the ocean, not the pool.
-Away from the elevator. -And the ice machine.
-SUSIE: But near the cigarette machine. -And the emergency exit.
-SUSIE: What floor? -Tenth floor.
-(hisses) -Ooh, too high.
Room service gets cold.
-And you can't jump out if there's a fire. -Mm.
-Third floor. Away from families. -Kids scream.
-She swears. -No kids.
Oh, no first-time fuckers.
-Pardon me? -Newlyweds. -They scream, too.
-Anything else? -Yes, do you have
a set of hotel schematics we could look at?
We're most interested in the kitchen ventilation system
and the routing of the ductwork.
Remember the Ambassador in L.A.?
(groans) Whole place smelled like chlorine
and discount cocaine.
I'll go ask.
How many of the words in that request
do you think she understood?
Not everyone outside of Manhattan's an idiot.
-Well... -Okay, Fontainebleau.
What things can I playfully lampoon about you in my act?
Susie.
A staircase to nowhere.
A what to where?
See that staircase? It's there just so the ladies
can walk down in their finest dresses
-and everybody can watch them. -Well, there you go.
You can do an entire act on that completely asinine--
Oh. You don't want to make fun of it--
-you want to walk down it. -Well, that new green dress
is just dying for some attention.
Uh-huh. See, I never know
when Borscht Belt Barbie's gonna come back out.
Okay. Go ahead. Walk down the staircase.
I'll be in the bar, wondering why I never used my law degree.
-Your what? -RECEPTIONIST: Okay, I could not find
schematics or a ventilation plan,
but here's the emergency exit layout,
which actually shows you a good portion of the ductwork.
Wait a second, you're competent?
You got to get out of Florida.
Seriously, get on a bus
and get to New York. You do not belong here.
Take it. Go. Don't even check us in.
Third floor. I'll have your bags follow you up.
And then you'll leave? After the bags?
-Come on, Susie. -Save yourself!
Did you say you had a law degree?
Huh? Hey, hold the elevator.
-Ooh. -Hold the elevator!
(elevator bell dings)
♪ No more sailing. ♪
Hello?
I'm home!
ANNOUNCER: ...Kitty Carlisle,
Don Ameche and Polly Bergen
on To Tell the Truth,
with your host, Bud Collyer!
(applause)
I got some of Moishe's prune Danish,
-like you... -What is your name, please?
My name is Judy Delp.
Zelda, what are you doing?
-My name is Judy Delp. -Watching TV.
-But what are you wearing? -Clothes.
-Street clothes. -Talk to her.
-Shirley? -I don't want people to think I have a maid.
That uniform was a dead giveaway.
But Zelda is a maid.
A maid wears a uniform.
Well, she can wear it at night
if it'll make you feel any better.
-Night? -When it's dark.
-And the lights are out. -I can wear it to bed.
-Yes, she can wear it to bed. -This is unbelievable.
-I step out of this house for five minutes and... -Shh!
Did you just shush me?
I have money on this.
-You have... -SHIRLEY: I think it's one.
She looks like she's been brained by a baton a few times.
-I have no idea. -COLLYER: Would you mind running through
-that again for us, please? -(phone ringing)
I don't think we got it all.
Anyway, the votes are in,
such as they are. Let's see which one...
-Should I get that? -Would you?
...baton twirling champion.
So will the real Judy Delp please stand up?
-Skurwysyn! -(laughs) I told you.
-(cheering and applause) -(phone continues ringing)
-(box clanks on table) -Oh, wait. Mrs. Weissman?
Yes.
Can I have next Friday off?
I think...
I think nothing would be better than...
(indistinct chatter)
I just want to say, I fucking hate Florida.
-You should take your jacket off. -No.
You should take your boots off.
I think you'll regret that request.
You want some lemonade?
No, I don't want any fucking lemonade.
Does it look like I'm sitting here thinking
about some goddamned ass-licking, cock-sucking,
dick-whacking lemonade?
-Just one, please. -(sighs)
I don't understand this place. Why is it here?
Well, the Atlantic Ocean opened up about 200 million years ago,
pushing North America westward,
away from the supercontinent Pangaea.
It's in the brochure.
You want a smack in the mouth?
I did not tell you to come to the pool.
You did, too. You told me to come down here
and sit with you and relax.
When does the relaxing start?
How can you relax?
It's boiling. It's humid.
There's bugs and snakes
and birds and bats and alligators and sand.
There's sand everywhere-- in the sandwiches,
in the room, in my hair, in my ass.
I haven't been anywhere near the beach and I have sand in my ass.
That says more about you than it does about Florida.
That was a big mistake, kid! Big mistake!
Remember the face!
-You have to calm down. -(child laughing)
Seriously.
(sighs)
Why do Jews do this to themselves?
Why do they find terrible places and go live there?
"Hey, here's a piece of the desert surrounded by people
who hate us. Where do I sign?"
(sighs)
I'm gonna die on this chair.
Susie, go in the pool. Cool off.
You'll feel so much better.
You do know how to swim, don't you?
Are you kidding?
You grew up in the Rockaways.
Your house was on stilts. How do you not know
-how to swim? -'Cause my drunken whore
of a mother never taught me, okay?
What if you fell in the water?
Well, then Christmas came early that year.
Okay. That's it.
Get up.
I am gonna teach you how to swim.
-No way. -I was a certified swimming instructor in the Catskills.
-I am an expert. -Get out of here.
Swimming's fun. It makes your tush tight.
I like a nice loose tush.
Hey, we are on tour now.
We will be flying in planes.
And if one of those planes goes down in the water,
you are gonna have to know how to swim.
Oh, good. You found a way to make flying even worse.
Come on.
I am not swimming or traveling with you anymore.
Once you get in, you'll see. It'll be fun.
Now, you are gonna need a bathing suit.
-Jump! -No.
-Susie, I'll catch you. -Fuck you.
-You won't. -I swear I'll catch you.
-No, you won't! -I will.
-You're lying! -Susie, just jump!
-You jump! -You're acting like a four-year-old.
-You're acting like a four-year-old! -Just jump to me!
-You jump to me! -No, you jump to me!
-Kick! -Oh! Do not let me go!
-I won't let you go! -(groans) Water up the nose!
-I got water up my nose! -I've got you!
Just fucking relax and kick!
You fucking kick!
There are children here!
Stop saying "fuck"!
You stop saying "fuck"!
-What are you staring at? -(children laughing)
What are they staring at?!
Here we go.
-One. -Do not do this.
-Two. -Miriam, I said don't.
-Big breath. (inhales deeply) -I will kill your children.
I will kill them and I will dress up in their clothes
-and I will haunt you. -Three!
Oh, God! (grunts)
Oh, God. Oh... (coughing)
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Susie, you're doing it!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Who peed? Who peed in this pool?
Well, at least you're honest.
You're doing great! Keep going!
Turn me around. Turn me around.
MIDGE: Good girl. Good girl, Susie.
You're swimming!
What are you doing?
-I'm coming. -No...
I'm coming for you.
-Stop it. -No, it's gonna happen.
You're being ridiculous.
You should be happy.
This is good, Susie!
Well, that was fun.
God, it's fucking hot.
POOL BOY: Susie Myerson?
-There's a call for Susie Myerson. -Mm.
Over here.
Susie Myerson?
You need to see a birth certificate?
Here. Remember the face.
Susie Myerson here.
Rehearsals are a disaster.
A complete, unmitigated disaster.
-Why? -A million reasons.
For one, what's-his-face, the director, hates me.
I don't believe that.
I haven't had anyone look at me that coldly
since I had my mother deported.
It is not working.
We should find someone else.
Sophie, this guy is the hottest director on Broadway.
He has three plays running. Two are The Cherry Orchard.
He could have his pick of projects,
and he wanted to do this play with you,
with Sophie Lennon.
Well, Sophie Lennon doesn't like him.
(whispers): He's bossy.
-What did he do? -I wanted to sit
on one of my lines, and he said stand.
Then he told me I had to wear a wig,
so he obviously hates my hair.
He said no to the nudity,
and he told me I had to memorize my lines.
Well, you were planning to memorize your lines anyway,
weren't you?
Yes, but now I don't want to.
I despise being told what to do.
That's kind of his job, Sophie.
Oh, and he loves Gavin.
(clicks tongue) Oh, Gavin is his favorite.
They talk and they laugh.
Probably about my hair.
And did you hear about Gavin's movie?
-No. -Gavin is doing a pirate movie
in the fall, and, apparently, he has a hard out.
And now they're telling me our opening date isn't flexible.
It's not flexible.
-Everything's flexible. -Sophie,
the theater's been booked, the date's been announced,
money's changed hands. That's it.
But what if it's not ready by then?
What if it needs more time?
And by "it," I mean "me."
You'll be ready. You'll be great.
I am not happy. I feel unsettled.
I need my manager here.
I will be there as soon as I can.
I promise.
Very, very soon.
Like... by the end of the week.
I'm packing now.
Was that so hard?
Hey, could you un-teach me how to swim
so I can drown myself?
The font is electric.
Trotsky used the same font in his earliest pamphlets.
This font could change the world.
Right, Abe?
-Abe? -Huh?
Oh, yes. Great font.
Uh, hey, can we talk about the size?
The size of what?
The size of the paper.
What about it?
Well, it's...
I mean...
This doesn't look strange to you?
-Your outfit? -No. What?
Not my outfit. The paper.
The paper is enormous.
Big ideas need space, Abe.
I understand that, but this is a lot of space.
I mean, it's not even shaped like a newspaper.
You mean it's not shaped like The New York Times.
The fascist New York Times.
Forget everything you know about a newspaper, Abe.
We're changing all the rules.
It's the '60s, man.
Yes, thank you for... reminding me of that.
Uh, one more question here.
Uh, where's the title?
-It's on the fourth page. -The fourth?
You have to care enough about the cause to find it.
Keep going. Keep going.
Keep going.
Keep go-- Oh, wait, you passed it.
I did?
Oh. Yes.
There it is.
"Title to come."
Says it all.
Did we settle on that or are we still pitching?
SHIRLEY: Abe.
May I see you in the kitchen for a moment, please?
Who are they?
My friends from the paper.
Did you ask my permission before you invited your friends over?
I thought I did.
Well, you didn't.
Well, I'm sorry, Shirley.
But I did ask Moishe last night,
and he said it was okay.
He did?
-Yes, he did. -Ah.
He never mentioned anything to me
about you having your friends over.
Well, maybe he forgot to tell you, but he did.
-Should I ask him? -What?
He's upstairs. I can ask him right now.
I don't think...
Moishe!
Moishe, could you come down here, please?
Sh-Shirley, this is completely unnecessary.
-Moishe! -Shirley.
-Someone's in trouble. -Shut up, Alan.
-Moishe! -MOISHE: Yeah?!
Can you come down here, please?
Shirley, I assure you...
-Moishe! -I'm not wearing pants!
I need to ask you something.
MOISHE: You can't ask me from there?
-No. -Do I need to put on pants?
-Yes! -All right.
Even though it's Wednesday, and Wednesday's the day
I stay home and work without pants!
Shirley, we're just sitting in the dining room
discussing the paper.
We'll be another half hour at the most.
All right, I'm down.
-What do you want? -Did you give Abe permission
-to have his friends over? -No.
You did, too.
-Remember? Last night? -No.
-Abe says you did. -I did what?
Say that he could have his friends over.
Ah. No.
So, Abe, now you're lying to us?
I am not lying. I asked.
He doesn't remember; it happens.
-You didn't ask. -All right, fine.
I won't argue with you.
But at this moment, my friends are here, in the dining room,
which I told you they would be,
and you forgot, but since you agreed
that it would be fine for them to come,
and since they are here...
there... already,
what am I supposed to do?
I don't think we need weather. If they want
to know the weather, they can look outside.
-That's crazy, man. -(sighs)
Something wrong, Abe? Again?
I thought you'd be happy.
We agreed to move the title back
to the front page like you wanted.
I can't believe this spelling.
How many Ls in latitude? Anyone?
Too long a pause.
W-What are you doing? Are you correcting it?
Apostrophe "S".
We're fighting against fascism, not punctuation.
Wow. Dig the cap and gownship.
I feel like I'm back in school, man.
You should be back in school.
This looks like it was written by a pack of jackals.
You know what, Abe? You're becoming a bit of a drag.
Drag, drag, drag.
We just finished our first paper.
That's right.
And Ezra has outdone himself.
I thought you were Alan's girlfriend.
No woman is any man's property.
You should be looking at the ideas.
Not the spelling. Not the grammar.
-Look, people... -Ugh. Old man lecture time.
The greatest threat to humanity is ignorance.
That's why the free press is so important.
Abe.
This is not a corporate, sanitized, proofed paper.
It's real, it's raw, it's ragged.
Who cares about spelling and punctuation
-and clarity? -And page numbers.
You're not taking this seriously.
In my day we took things seriously.
Yes. And then there was World War I.
What the hell does that mean?
SUBWAY ANNOUNCER: Next stop, 53rd and Lexington.
-Next stop, 53 and Lex. -Okay. That's it.
I'm gonna blow this pop stand.
We're not done.
I've had my fill of your negativity.
Plus, my mother's gonna do my laundry
and if I get there before 6:00, there's chicken.
Your mother makes great chicken.
MADELINE: Can we stop at Bloomingdale's?
I need pantyhose.
(groans)
They spelled "New York" with a "C".
Vive la résistance.
I told you to get out of the sun.
And I told you to go fuck yourself,
so neither one of us takes direction very well.
We'll find a pharmacy.
Some calamine lotion, an aspirin,
an ice bath-- you'll feel much better.
I didn't mean you should go fuck yourself.
-I know. -I'm just very hot here.
I know.
-I'm sorry. -You're not going to die.
Are you sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm gonna die.
-You'll be fine. -I look scary.
-Children are running from me. -They do that anyway.
Has nothing to do with the sunburn.
Am I walking funny? Like I have elephant balls?
No. You're walking like you have your normal-sized balls.
You think that old lady's mad
I shoved her and took her umbrella?
Well, you did tip her, so...
But she was getting back up when we walked away, right?
-Absolutely. -Those sirens weren't for her?
You want to look at the water? The water's pretty.
The plane ride back to New York's
gonna be a real treat.
You sure you have to go back now?
You can't wait a day?
I promised you I wouldn't talk about her.
Can I give you some advice?
Stay out of the sun.
No, some real advice.
About Sophie.
You need to be strong.
-What are you talking about? -Sophie's a bully.
A bully only responds to other bullies.
Where'd you learn that, on the mean streets
of the Upper West Side?
She hired you to guide her the way you guide me.
You don't pull any punches with me.
Sometimes I wish you would. Sometimes I think,
my God, if only Susie wouldn't mention
every single thing that I did wrong.
Every joke I missed.
Every laugh I jumped.
Every town I pronounced wrong.
Hoboken. How hard is that?
But you don't let up,
and you don't back down, and you don't lie to me.
You're tough.
You're tough with me.
You have to be tough with Sophie.
Okay. You're right.
I'll be tough.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
MIDGE: Yeah, a little tougher than that.
(Susie groans)
Okay.
That's gonna stay put.
50-50 shot.
Well? Did you find it?
-No. -No. Of course no.
The only word I ever hear in English in this place is "no."
-Who was that? -Plumber.
There's a rumbling in the walls
that's either rusty pipes or a golem.
-Let's hope for rusty pipes. -(chuckles)
-Come grab some buns! -Excuse me?
Red bean buns. They have healing qualities.
I thought you'd need them after the plumber gave you the news.
-What news? -He didn't tell you?
-No. -Have a bun.
-Tell me what he said. -No, I'll let him tell you.
I don't want to become the face of bad news.
When you look at this face, all I want you to think is...
(speaking in foreign language)
-You know it's not fair when you do that. -I do.
♪ I'll always love you, darlin' ♪
♪ Come what may... ♪
ARCHIE: Paint... that.
I'm studying.
Fix things quietly.
Okay, let's start with the-- Hey.
What did the plumber say?
Working. Studying.
Ooh! Cancer. Fun.
-You do have a type. -Yes, I do.
Are we using the word "girlfriend"?
-No. Not yet. -Okay.
She did give me a phone number. Not sure it's hers,
but there's the right amount of digits.
Every great love story started just like that.
-(chuckles) -(rumbling)
-Golem? -That's him.
So, when the exorcism is done,
how long till you can open the place?
I don't know. Why?
Well, as a friend, I take an interest in your success.
And?
Imogene's getting a little less tolerant
about my time here.
I bought her a new blender, but the novelty is wearing off.
So, just wondering, what do you think will get me
to the opening, a new set of bar glasses or something bigger?
-Bigger. -Dishwasher?
If this liquor license doesn't come through soon,
there won't be a club.
The guy in charge is a pain in the ass.
I'm gonna go down there tomorrow to appeal in person.
-Try the charm offense. -Mm-hmm.
ARCHIE: So, car. Convertible or hard top?
JOEL: I'd go summer home.
-ARCHIE: By the lake? -JOEL: With a boat.
And Cary Grant as her new husband.
SOPHIE (as Julie): I think that you are shaking.
A big strong fella like you, and with such arms.
This is very exciting.
It is.
(Gavin, as Jean, speaking French)
SOPHIE: Can't you sit still?
There, now. There. It is gone.
You're giving off a lot of heat.
Miss Julie, listen to me.
Christine has gone to bed now.
Won't you listen to me?
Kiss my hand first.
Listen to me.
Kiss my hand first!
Too loud again?
Well, there's an exclamation point,
so I thought I'd do that.
Play tennis.
Continue.
For what?
-Are you still a mere child at 25? -Mm.
Don't you know that it is dangerous playing with fire?
Not for me. I'm insured. I...
Lob the ball.
Continue.
Not for me.
I am insured.
GAVIN: No, you are not.
And even if you were.
there are inflammable surroundings
to be countered with.
You, I suppose?
Is that me again?
Yes, it's me.
-Sophie. -SOPHIE: Yes.
Serve and don't volley.
Manager. I need my manager.
Yep, Sophie, right here.
I'm not feeling safe.
And I can't create if I'm not feeling safe.
As long as we're stopped, I have a question.
What am I doing offstage?
Am I still asleep?
Who are you?
I'm Moira.
I'm in the play with you.
She's playing Christine.
Who's Christine?
The third character in this three-person play.
All right. This is exactly what I'm talking about.
I need to be told things.
I should have been informed that there was
a third person in this play.
I read with you for my audition.
Let's return to the top. Who wants to serve?
No! No, stop. No serving.
No one's listening to me. No one respects me.
-SUSIE: Everyone respects you. -SOPHIE: Oh, really?
Then where is my set?
Other leading ladies get sets.
Where's mine?
PEGGY: The set is still being built, Sophie.
We taped out the dimensions of it on the floor.
I need more than tape.
I am creating a reality.
And at the beginning of the play, I enter.
How do I enter?
Well, that's the door there.
SOPHIE: That is not a door.
That is more tape. I cannot open tape.
I cannot feel tape in my hand.
And when I come in, I am opening a door.
How do I know what it feels like
-to open a door? -SUSIE: Sophie.
If I may? Over there is a door,
why don't you just remind yourself?
(breathing deeply)
(exhales)
This could be more entertaining than the play.
-Mm. -(door closing)
-Oh. God bless you, sir. -(door opening)
(door closing)
(piano music playing in distance)
Room service.
Finally.
You come from Jersey?
You want to eat?
(piano music continues in distance)
Beer's in the bathtub, booze is on the sill.
(jazz record plays)
Thank you.
Here you go.
MIDGE: Got a bathtub full of ice.
I like cold beer.
MIDGE: How do you shower?
There's showers at the pool.
That's ingenious.
That's 15 years on the road.
(Carole sighs)
To someone with tits to talk to.
I was gonna go with "new friends," but yours is better.
What didn't you order?
The fish. Stinks up the drapes.
You pay for all this on your per diem?
No. I charge it to Howard's room.
-You're kidding. -For the last three years.
Does he know?
Howard doesn't know anything but how to tune a piano.
And by "tune a piano," you mean...?
He's the piano tuner.
Oh. Okay.
So literally tune...
Sometimes words mean different things. I got it now.
(Midge clears throat)
-Oh. -Mmm.
This is good.
I'm so exhausted after these shows,
sometimes I can't even dial room service.
I know.
At least behind a bandstand, I can take my shoes off.
You can take your shoes off?
I keep slippers back there.
Fuzzy ones, rabbit ears.
Lucky.
15 years.
-Cute kids. -Thanks.
That one's gonna be a huge asshole.
How can you tell?
He's just like his dad... who was a huge asshole.
Do you miss them?
I mean, I know you miss them, but...
They're with my mother, who is the queen of apple strudel,
so they have a pretty good life.
I send home the money.
Nancy's starting ballet next week,
so I'll be supporting her forever.
(laughs softly)
Yeah. I miss 'em.
You ever feel guilty?
My dad was a traveling salesman.
Gone six days out of seven.
Nobody thought twice about that.
What about your kids?
They live with their father while I'm gone.
Really? He takes the kids?
-Yup. -Shit.
Is he single?
I don't think so.
So, you're divorced.
Yes.
Who you got your eye on?
I don't have my eye on anyone.
What are you saving it for?
The Smithsonian.
Gonna put it right next to "The Star-Spangled Banner."
You've had sex since your husband, right?
Well... yes.
With my fiancé.
Oh. Where is he?
He's back home wondering what happened.
What happened?
Shy Baldwin asked me to go on tour.
Okay, well, here's the skinny on one-night stands.
If it's a guy in the band, keep it simple.
No feelings.
They can't think you're a girly girl.
Go to their place, never yours.
That way, you can leave.
And if the place is a slum, don't screw him.
If his room's dirty, imagine how clean the rest of him is.
Ew.
-You have a gun? -What?
It's not necessary.
Keys are a good weapon.
High heels are great, and they never see it coming,
and most hotels have an on-site shoe repair.
Sometimes, if the guy seems really sketchy,
but I just got to have some,
I'll shove a matchbook cover in the door for an easier getaway.
You look scared.
Gee, why would that be?
(sighs) Sorry.
I should've eased you into it.
It's just...
it gets lonely sometimes.
A lot of people can't stick it out.
They get worn down.
Tired of the travel, the food.
Your clothes are never as clean as you want them to be.
The pillows are either too hard or too soft.
But on the other hand,
you see the world.
You answer to no one.
The audiences, when they're great,
are really great.
And you're not having to go to your grave
not having done anything interesting.
(Carole smacks lips)
I would get a gun, though.
(tea kettle whistling)
Where's Ethan?
I thought he was playing
with the little boy across the street.
-Jimmy Junior? -I don't know.
The little boy across the street.
Petey Stritch?
I don't know.
Jacob Cohen? Patrick Matthews? Ollie Brice?
How many little boys live across the street, Shirley?
(door opens)
(door closes)
(singsongy): Ethan Maisel, where are you?
Ethan!
Ethan Shimon Maisel!
It's Grandma!
Grandma Shirley, not Grandma Rose.
I'm making lunch!
What would you like?
I have chicken, I have peanut butter.
I have peanut butter with jelly, I have soup.
Chicken soup, tomato soup,
vegetable soup, chicken vegetable soup!
MAN: Hey lady, shut up!
You shut up! I'm talking to my grandson.
MAN: The whole neighborhood doesn't
want to hear about your goddamn soup!
Then don't listen!
Ethan, I have potato leek,
I have beef barley.
MAN: Nobody cares! Shut up!
-You shut up! -You shut up!
LADY: Both of you shut up!
-Shirley! -Oh, God.
Rose, you scared me.
What is the matter with you?! We have neighbors!
And right now, they are all looking at you
like you're insane, and therefore, they're looking at me
like I'm insane because I live here with you in this house!
We are the insane house on the street!
The house that people talk about at barbecues,
and tell their children to avoid at Halloween.
We are the loud, uncouth, terrifying,
disturbing house that ruins it for everyone!
With the screaming and the yelling and the leaving for work
at 5:00 in the morning, even on Saturday!
And we're Jews!
-Abe and I came here normal people. -(horn honks)
Educated, cultivated people with pride and dignity!
And now, I live in Queens, and I smell like onions
-all the time. -MAN: Shut up!
Oh, you shut up, putz!
Can't you recognize a complete psychotic break
-when you see one?! -WOMAN: I'm calling the cops!
ROSE: Oh, go back inside!
You want to see a show?
Get in your car and drive to Manhattan.
Why isn't there a movie theater in this godforsaken wasteland
you people call a neighborhood?
MAN: There's one on Metropolitan, asshole!
You have got to get ahold of yourself.
(gasps) Me? Me?!
If you don't mind my saying so,
I think you're taking this relocation very badly.
Maybe you should talk to someone.
Now, normally, I don't believe in psychiatry,
but in your case, it might be a good idea,
because you're nuts.
Just don't talk about us.
Freddy's gonna stay for lunch!
Oh, what do you want?
I got chicken, I've got peanut butter,
I've got peanut butter and jelly, I've got soup.
I've got chicken soup, tomato soup,
vegetable soup...
("Nice 'n' Easy" by Frank Sinatra playing)
Miguel, is this funny?
"This humidity in Florida is so unrelenting,
even my mother thinks it should calm down."
No.
Really, take your time.
One more. And one for yourself.
It'll seem funnier then.
♪ In love... ♪
-Good book? -Not yet.
-Can I buy you a drink? -Got one coming.
-Put it on my tab. -Oh, no thank you.
Very sweet, but I'm working.
Really? Working?
Well, this hotel certainly draws a nicer class of working girls.
Yeah, look, Mom, I'm not a hooker.
I'm working on my act, and I can pay for my own drink.
Okay. Modern woman.
Maybe I should just keep you company
so no other man makes the mistake I just did.
I appreciate you wanting to be the savior of my reputation,
but I'm busy writing dick jokes, so if you don't mind...
Number three really paints a picture.
What on earth are you doing here?
-I am living here. -In Florida?
At some point, every Jew must live in Florida.
-It's in the Torah. -Wow.
You know, it's weird, I never picture you living anywhere.
You just exist.
Well, sorry to disappoint you,
but I do live places, and right now, it's here.
I got a key, I get mail, I wear an apron.
Must go good with that tie.
I heard Shy was in town,
so I thought I would stop by and say hello.
Hello.
Good-bye.
(man clears throat)
You want to sit?
3:00 in the afternoon--
a pen, a notebook and a drink.
All you need is a social disease,
and you are officially a road comic.
-(muffled laugh) -How long are you in town?
-Two frizz-filled weeks. -Good.
I am heading out of town for a couple of days
-to make some money. -Oh.
Apparently, "alimony" means "money."
I did not know that.
When I get back, we should grab a drink.
I would love that.
I will give you a ring.
I was serious about number three.
The comparison to William Frawley
is particularly inspired.
♪ Would be a crime... ♪
Hmm.
♪ 'Cause nice... ♪
♪ The man I used to be ♪
♪ A happy man was he ♪
♪ And aimless as a leaf in a gale ♪
♪ You can never find ♪
Get in.
-♪ The man you used to be ♪ -Rose?
Get in the cab, Abe, right now.
But where are we going?
It's dinner time. I'm hungry.
-She's made stuffed cabbage. -Move over.
(engine starts)
♪ You can never find ♪
♪ The man you used to be. ♪
(playing "A Pretty Girl is Like a Melody")
♪ ♪
(giggles)
♪ ♪
Mama? Papa?
Oh, thank God this is the right hotel.
I know you told us, but I wasn't sure,
and your father wasn't listening.
What are you doing here?
Well, I hate Moishe and Shirley.
Yes. But did something specific happen?
Shirley was screaming in the street,
and then I started screaming in the street,
-and I called a man a putz. -I wasn't there for that part.
I was on the subway, because they won't let me
-have my friends over. -She made Zelda take off her uniform.
And she is using stuffed cabbage in a very punitive manner.
So, the next thing I know, I threw some things in a suitcase,
I grabbed your father, we got in the cab.
Took the cab to the train station.
-Got on the train. -Headed west.
We hit Dayton and thought, "Cows?"
-So we headed south. -And thought of you.
-So we headed east. -Then south again.
And here we are. I'm sorry, we should've called.
We just didn't want to stop moving.
In case they were coming after us.
Well, I think it's great.
You can stay here.
We'll have a mini family vacation,
and you can finally see my show.
-Oh... -It's comedy or cabbage.
Rose.
Okay.
Well, you'd better be funny.
There you go!
Okay. Tonight you'll stay in my room.
You relax, shower, order room service,
and then tomorrow you'll come to my show,
and then I'll introduce you to Shy Baldwin.
Take my key.
-Wait, where will you sleep? -Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll bunk with one of the girls from the band.
Now, anything you need, get it and sign it to the room, and...
(sniffs) What smells like onions?
All right, we're off.
Abe, get the bags.
Thank you for the room.
Can't wait to see your show.
(whispers): Shit.
-(laughter) -MIDGE: I know I've talked a lot
about my parents tonight,
but that's just because they are here.
-(audience oohing) -In Florida.
-Can you feel it? -(laughter)
They're coming to my show tomorrow, so I need
to get all this out of my system tonight.
Tonight I can talk about sex and men
and sex with men and sexy men
and sex with sexy men,
but tomorrow, that's all off limits,
because my parents don't know I'm not a virgin.
(laughter)
You'd think my two kids might have been a tip-off.
I'm amazed the "those are my cobbler's apprentices" story
-has held up for so long. -(laughter)
Maybe my parents think that when I got divorced,
it made me a virgin all over again.
-(laughter) -Like, the judge says:
"I grant your divorce
"and restore everything up your skirt
-to its original condition." -(laughter)
And then bangs his little gavel.
But my parents are people who do not like change.
When my husband left me, my father said,
"Go get him back."
Like I'd accidentally left the barn door open
and Bessie the cow had wandered off.
And when I didn't go get him back as instructed,
my father was furious.
My mother still hasn't heard he's gone,
-so she hasn't reacted yet. -(laughter)
I mean, she's been told. She just hasn't heard it.
-(laughter) -And now they're here,
in Florida, to watch their divorced daughter
stand on stage and tell jokes.
-About them. -(laughter)
Because they know that will kill them,
and I'll feel bad forever,
and then finally they will have won.
(laughter, whooping)
I'm Mrs. Maisel. You've been a great audience,
and to thank you for listening,
I give you the one, the only...
Shy Baldwin.
(cheering, applause, whistling)
(band playing gentle intro)
♪ What a day this has been ♪
♪ What a rare mood I'm in ♪
♪ Why, it's ♪
♪ Almost like being ♪
♪ In love ♪
(cheering)
♪ There's a smile on my face ♪
♪ For the whole ♪
♪ Human race ♪
♪ Why, it's ♪
♪ Almost like being ♪
♪ In love ♪
BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Being in love ♪
SHY: ♪ All the music of life ♪
♪ Seems to be ♪
♪ Like a bell ♪
♪ That is ringing ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ And from the way ♪
♪ That I feel ♪
♪ When that bell ♪
♪ Starts to peal ♪
♪ I would swear ♪
♪ I was falling ♪
♪ I could swear ♪
♪ I was falling ♪
♪ It's almost like being ♪
♪ In love ♪
BACKUP SINGERS: ♪ Almost like being ♪
♪ In love ♪
SHY: ♪ All the music of life ♪
♪ Seems to be ♪
♪ Like a bell ♪
♪ That is ringing ♪
♪ For me ♪
♪ And from the way ♪
-♪ Ah, ah... ♪ -♪ That I feel ♪
♪ When that bell ♪
♪ Starts to peal ♪
(in distance): ♪ I would swear I was... ♪
I thought you were gonna call when you got back.
I opted for a sneak attack.
There's a lot of that going around.
Gin martini, up, with olives.
You should have seen my set.
I saw your set.
You did? How was I?
Wow. Just like that?
I usually start with some small talk.
How have you been? Who's got gout?
Nope. Life's short. Talk about me.
-Excuse me, Mr. Bruce? -Uh, Mr. Bruce is my mother.
-Lenny. Please. -Could I get...?
(audience cheering in distance)
You want hers?
That's okay.
LENNY: That's showbiz.
Thanks.
I am very famous and important.
Yes. We were talking about me, remember?
I do. Uh, what are you doing tonight?
Listening to you critique my act.
I have a proposition for you.
I have a work thing I have to do,
but I was thinking, tag along, you might find it interesting.
Could I work it into my act?
The one you liked? Or didn't like?
Afterward, I'll buy you dinner.
-Deal? -Deal.
-You ready to go? -I have to change. Ten minutes.
And then you'll tell me what you thought about my act.
Depends on how good the outfit is.
(Shy singing indistinctly in distance)
(indistinct chatter)
MIDGE: Oh, how fabulous.
Cameras in your living room.
Mr. Bruce.
Oh, no. Mr. Bruce is his mother.
Very good. Yes, hello there.
Lenny Bruce reporting for duty.
-You're late. -Well, I'm here.
That's early for me. Uh, this is Midge Maisel.
-She's going to watch. Yes? -Of course. Uh, follow me.
One hour, then I'll feed you.
I'm starting my stopwatch.
Brian, please get Miss Maisel situated.
-I'm actually Mrs. Maisel. -Oh. You're married.
No. Well... yes.
I'm getting divorced.
Again. From the same man.
But Mrs. Maisel's also my stage name, so I'll...
-Sit here. -Okay. I'll finish the story later.
You were clearly on the edge of your seat.
GENE: He'll do the intros, throw it to Jem, then you're next.
You sit here. We'll get you a drink.
Later on you'll be joined by Bella Abzug and Zsa Zsa Gabor.
That can't end badly at all. (chuckles)
Uh, thank you.
(quietly): You'll spoil your dinner.
Places, everyone. Places.
WOMAN: That's places, everyone.
Ladies, on either side of Mr. Bruce.
GENE: We go live in 20 seconds.
(laughs)
Five, four,
three, two...
(piano playing mid-tempo jazz intro)
(drum plays beat)
(stand-up bass joins in)
♪ ♪
Hello there.
Welcome to Miami's hippest party, Miami After Dark.
A gathering of the best, the brightest,
the coolest cats and kittens in town.
Grab a drink.
(music ends)
-Jem. -Hello, Brye.
Good turnout.
This is Jem Moreland.
He's composed some of the most beloved songs of all time.
How old were you when you wrote your first hit, Jem?
-18, Brye. -18. Boy, oh, boy.
What was I doing at 18?
All the things I wished I was doing at 18.
I wasn't, and that's why I wrote my first hit.
-Well, ladies like a success. -And a love song.
Speaking of which, you have a new one coming out soon.
I do. It was just recorded by Mr. Frank Sinatra.
And, uh, it goes a little something... like this.
Three, four.
♪ ♪
♪ Who knew one kiss ♪
♪ Could kick like this ♪
♪ As smooth as a whiskey ♪
♪ And served up neat ♪
♪ That kiss was fine ♪
♪ But make mine ♪
♪ A double ♪
♪ One taste of that ♪
♪ And you've knocked me flat ♪
♪ Just like a Manhattan ♪
♪ But twice as sweet ♪
Marge, I'll get back to you in a minute.
♪ Make mine a double... ♪
Marjorie Merriweather Post.
You should see her house.
Mar-a-Lago is as elegant as she is.
♪ ♪
Hello, girls. Having fun?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Okay.
You all know notorious comedian Lenny Bruce.
-You enjoying the party? -Not bad.
Uh, well, Zsa Zsa just won 20 bucks off me.
She plays a mean game of truth or dare.
A-And a very adult version of hide-and-seek. (chuckles)
If I ever need to get drugs to Mexico, I know who to call.
-I wonder if I can get a drink. -Well, I'd give you mine,
but Zsa Zsa drank it.
Like a really sexy camel.
Careful, Lenny.
-Or I'll marry you. -(chuckles): Ho-ho.
Oh, great. Thank you.
♪ ♪
I think she likes you.
She's just never seen a circumcised schmeckle before.
-(woman giggles) -(chuckles): Uh, but actually,
Brye, I'm here with someone special tonight.
Someone I love dearly,
almost as much as I love myself.
Uh... uh, sweetheart?
Where are...
Ah, there you are. (laughs)
BRYE: Lenny... Looks like we have a wandering Mr. Bruce.
What are you doing?
Well, it's time everybody knows, don't you think?
Uh, I need to powder things.
-What is on your hands? -Frosting.
-Other hand. Other hand. -BRYE: Oh, he's back.
Well, who have we here?
Brye, I'd like you to meet my wife-- or possibly my sister.
What are you, my wife or my sister?
Depends on what state we're in.
Let's go wife. What the hell?
Well, it's nice to meet you, whoever you are.
It's nice to meet you, too.
She's a very big fan. She called in sick
-to work tonight just to be here. -Oh? What do you do?
-I'm a Mountie. -Yes, she's very good with horses.
-And moose. -And squirrel.
A female Mountie? I didn't know there were female Mounties.
Are you kidding? Have you seen the hats?
There's only female Mounties.
So, how long have you two been married and/or related?
Oh, it's been six...
Uh, seven. You forgot our time at sea.
Yes, lost at sea. I almost killed you and ate you.
LENNY: But then we remembered fish.
-Seven fun-filled years. -Weeks.
(chuckles) We got to rehearse this next time.
Well, you make a very handsome couple.
Oh, well, we get our looks from our mother.
Ooh! They just put out some new onion dip,
and I heard Betty Bacall is a notorious double-dipper.
I've got to go.
Well, it was nice to meet you...
-Rhoda. -Scheherazade.
-(Lenny laughs) -Scheherazade Rhoda Maisel.
Quite a culturally confusing mouthful.
-(chuckles) -Great girl.
Well, you should see her rob a liquor store. (chuckles)
Hey, that's Tennessee Williams.
-Tennessee! -TENNESSEE: Screw you, Bruce.
Tenn, my God, what's with the hostility?
TENNESSEE: You know very well, you son of a bitch.
Hey, what happened to the Southern gentlemen bit?
TENNESSEE: I'm not talking to you.
-Why? What did I do? -TENNESSEE: You're a prick.
-(laughs) -Now, watch it, boys.
-We're live here. -Shh.
Did I tease you? Did I call you names?
Did I get drunk and say The Rose Tattoo
was a piece of overwrought, substandard melodrama?
-TENNESSEE: What? -I said I was drunk.
TENNESSEE: I should come over there and just kill you.
-Tenn, I'm sorry, please. -TENNESSEE: You're not.
You're an ugly, lowlife, mean-spirited bastard.
Always with the poetry.
TENNESSEE: You hate me 'cause I'm Southern.
Well, it's not my favorite thing about you.
-TENNESSEE: Go away! -(laughs) I don't believe this.
This is nuts. I'm having a fight
with Tennessee Williams on the television.
Brye, this is a great show.
MIDGE: Sure as hell is!
("Crazy Love" playing)
(singing in Spanish)
♪ ♪
You're staring.
Am I?
Do I have a hair out of place?
I didn't know how to tell you.
What do you think?
I just wish it had a little more atmosphere.
You're still staring.
So are you.
Come on.
We're gonna dance.
You dance?
Well, we're certainly gonna find out.
♪ ♪
("Till There Was You" playing)
♪ There were bells on the hill ♪
♪ But I never heard them ringing ♪
♪ No, I never heard them at all ♪
♪ Till there was you ♪
♪ There were birds in the sky... ♪
What's the matter? I'm not that bad.
I just can't think of anything funny to say.
Yeah.
Me, either.
♪ Till there was you... ♪
It's kind of nice, isn't it?
♪ And there was music ♪
♪ And there were wonderful roses ♪
♪ They tell me ♪
♪ In sweet, fragrant meadows ♪
♪ Of dawn and dew ♪
♪ There was love all around ♪
♪ But I never heard ♪
♪ It singing ♪
♪ No, I never heard it at all... ♪
I really thought if we stayed long enough,
there'd be a human sacrifice.
Oh, no, that's on Wednesdays.
Well, we'll just have to go back.
Anytime you like.
I had a good time.
That was the intent.
Here. Last puff.
Such a gentleman.
Is this your apartment building?
Uh, no, this is my hotel.
I thought you said you lived here now.
I do.
-In a hotel? -Yes.
You're living in a hotel?
Who are you, Willy Loman?
Hey, this is a very nice hotel.
I've got a pool. They bring me towels.
The little soaps are adorable.
But it's not permanent.
I didn't say permanent.
I said I got mail.
I just assumed when you said you lived in Florida
that you meant you had an apartment. (chuckles)
Does it matter?
No. No, it doesn't.
You like a man who has a lease.
Depends on the man.
Depends on the lease.
I'm paid up through Friday.
(Midge laughs)
Oh, it's nice being on the water.
Where are you living, by the way?
I'm not actually living anywhere.
Well, I'm on tour now, so I live wherever the tour is,
and when I get back, I'll have to find a place.
I suppose I can stay at my in-laws'.
Well, ex-in-laws'.
My parents are there now. Well, no.
They're actually here now since they can't stand them,
so I probably can't live there, either.
A hotel's looking pretty good to you right now, isn't it?
All right, this is me.
Nice, shiny number three.
(laughs) Yes. Uh, it was actually 13,
but the one fell off.
If you lived in an apartment,
you could call the super about that.
And what would he do?
Nothing.
But you'd have somebody to call.
-Key. -Ah.
-And it works. -Yes.
The evening is going swimmingly so far.
So, what did you think of my act?
I thought it was sensational.
Thank you.
I'm gonna get a cab.
-I can get you one. -I'm okay.
Catch.
Hey.
Maybe someday.
Before I'm dead.
It's a date.
("Dedicated to the One I Love" playing)
♪ While I'm far away from you ♪
♪ My baby ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ It's hard for you, my baby ♪
♪ Because it's hard ♪
♪ For me, my baby ♪
♪ And the darkest hour is just before dawn ♪
♪ Each night before you go to bed ♪
♪ My baby ♪
♪ Whisper a little prayer ♪
-♪ For me, my baby ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
♪ And tell ♪
♪ All the stars above ♪
♪ This is dedicated to the one I love ♪
♪ Love can never be ♪
♪ Exactly like we want it to be ♪
♪ I could be satisfied ♪
♪ Knowing you love me ♪
♪ There's one thing I want you to do ♪
♪ Especially for me ♪
♪ And it's something ♪
♪ That everybody needs ♪
♪ While I'm far away from you ♪
♪ My baby ♪
♪ Whisper a little prayer ♪
-♪ For me, my baby ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Because it's hard for me ♪
♪ My baby ♪
♪ And the darkest hour ♪
♪ Is just before dawn ♪
♪ This is dedicated. ♪