(knock on door)
Hello?
(indistinct chatter over radio)
Hello?
Oh, boy.
-You remember me? -Oh, yeah.
-Long time no see. -Oh, yes.
Well, I've been very busy. Traveling.
-You want a slice? -Oh, no, thank you.
I was just in the neighborhood,
and I thought I would drop in and say hello.
-To me. -Yes.
-Hello. -Hello.
Anything else?
No.
Oh, well, as long as I'm here,
Miriam-- my daughter, remember?
Well, her husband left her, and she's been living with us,
and recently I found out that she's...
Aren't you gonna make some tea?
-I don't like tea. -(chuckles): The tea isn't for you.
It's for me. I drink it,
-and you read the leaves. -Don't need it.
Oh, you use the ball, right. Or cards?
Oh, no, I remember. You like fire.
Just sit there.
Let me look at you.
Okay. What do you want to know?
Um, well, my d-daughter...
-Miriam. -Why, yes.
You just told me her name. Don't get too impressed.
Yes, uh, well, she's, um, pursuing a career in...
comedy,
which is bad enough in itself,
but there's a very viable man in the picture now,
and I am so worried that this...
career will be the downfall of this relationship.
Tell me, what do you see?
Hmm.
I see a perky brunette with a signature hairstyle.
Oh, that's her. That's Miriam.
She's standing in front of a big crowd.
A wedding? That's a wedding.
She's the object of deep adoration.
That's Benjamin. He'll adore her.
H-He'll be weirdly subtle about it
and do it in a slightly robotic way, but...
I see her talking.
Speaking very quickly into a microphone.
That's her speech. She gave a speech at her first wedding,
and she's doing it again. Oh, I'm so...
Does she mention shrimp?
-What? -Never mind. Who cares?
She's getting married. Oh, I'm so glad
I just happened to be strolling by here with no intention
of coming in at all, and then I did. Oh, here.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. I'll see you next week.
There's gonna be a wedding.
(chuckles)
I don't know why you'd wear
a black cocktail dress to a wedding, but...
whatever.
(announcer shouting over radio)
-What time is it? -Early. 9:00, 10:00.
-12:30. I should go. -Really? You bored?
I'm supposed to be in my dorm room by midnight.
This is the third time this week I've missed curfew.
Third time this week I'll have to climb in my window
-to avoid getting caught. -I thought your curfew was 1:00.
-You did not. -Yeah.
I just like watching you climb in that window.
Hey, we saw them tonight. We saw you tonight.
-Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm.
-Good or bad? -Great.
Especially the last number.
Told you we needed that last number.
-You're impossible. -Impossible and right.
-We should go. -You know, I'm tired
of having to take you home at night.
-I can just grab a cab, then. -Not what I meant.
-Horse and buggy? Magic carpet? -Don't go back to your dorm.
-Where am I supposed to go? -My dorm.
Oh, now, Mr. Maisel, you know good girls
don't stay out all night with their gentlemen callers.
I mean, what would the neighbors think?
That you're a dime-store floozy?
Dime-store? In these shoes?
Well, if you won't let me sully your reputation,
then I guess I'll just have to make an honest woman out of you.
♪ We go along harmonizing a song ♪
-What's this? -A Cadillac.
♪ Or I'm reciting a poem ♪
Well, then, I'm definitely gonna have to learn to drive.
-You like it? -I love it.
I just didn't think this would happen so fast.
Oh, but you knew this would happen?
Well, yeah. I mean, come on.
Hey, what did my father say when you asked him?
Oh, shit. I was supposed to do that?
-Joel. -Forget him.
What do you say? Yes? Great.
I say I need to think about it.
What? No. There's the ring. Let's go.
-It's just so sudden. -You knew this was gonna happen.
I knew this was gonna happen.
Well, then, you know your answer.
-Uh... -If you don't say yes right now,
I'm gonna walk out in the middle of the street
and wait for a bus to run me over.
Pay the bill first?
Okay.
-Here I go. -(door opens, closes)
♪ Talking my baby ♪
♪ Loving my baby ♪
♪ I don't mean maybe... ♪
(horns honking)
That man is crazy.
Yeah, he certainly is.
MAN: Get out of the road, asshole.
-Come on! -(tires squealing)
-Say yes. -No. -MAN: Move!
-Move, you idiot! -Not moving.
I'm concerned our children might come out clinically insane.
Very good chance. Say yes.
Maybe.
MAN: Get the fuck out of the road, pal.
MAN 2: Come on, I got to get home.
♪ Are in each other's arms ♪
Oh, no. Not fair.
-Fuck fair! -MAN: Come on.
My favorite show.
-He took me three times. -(women chuckle)
I'm going for broke, Miriam Weissman.
♪ Shall we dance? ♪
You have to say yes first.
♪ On a bright cloud of music ♪
Fine. Yes.
-Yes! (giggles) -(honking continues)
You have to put the ring on.
-Exhausting. -JOEL: Put it on.
MAN: Come on, move it, buddy.
♪ When the last little star has left the sky ♪
♪ Shall we still be together ♪
♪ With our arms around each other ♪
♪ And shall you be my new romance ♪
(crowd cheers)
♪ On the clear understanding ♪
♪ That this kind of thing can happen ♪
♪ Shall we dance? ♪
Now, this next part's gonna go very badly.
(crowd cheering)
(applause)
(Benjamin speaking softly nearby)
BENJAMIN: Mark Greenwald is the president of the bank
and an old family friend in case you want to give him a call.
Right here, these are last year's financials,
tax returns, bank statements.
As you can see, I can clearly provide for her.
Anything she needs, anything the children need,
they will be very comfortable.
So you want to marry my daughter.
With your permission, yes, I do.
-And you've spent time with Miriam. -I have.
-So you understand Miriam. -I do.
Could you explain her to me?
-That was a joke, Benjamin. -Right, sorry.
Humor is very important in our house, Benjamin.
-Of course. -If you are going to marry Miriam,
-you will have to learn that. -I understand.
Because to Miriam, almost everything in the world
is a joke. I had to stop watching the news with her.
Guggenheim, the name of the museum,
-caused 20 minutes of uncontrolled giggling. -(laughs)
Why? Who knows. That's just Miriam.
I will learn to laugh, sir.
You're going to need a lot of closet space.
-I have seen the hats. -There will be a lot of activity.
Things will shift quickly.
Your reality, your vacation plans.
And God knows what those children will be like
when they grow up. I cannot vouch for them.
I will not hold you responsible.
It's awfully quick, your courtship.
Anything I should know that will certainly kill her mother?
No. I've just waited a long time to find the right person,
and now I have. That's all.
ABE: Well, if this is truly your intention,
in addition to the bank records,
I will need 25 character references.
Are you going to write this down?
There's a list. I'll need to know
the names and birth dates of your family,
how religious you are, what your hobbies are,
what percentage of time you spend on such hobbies,
are you a dog or a cat man--
very important-- your favorite authors.
You see, Benjamin, after the Joel fiasco,
I am taking this decision
very, very seriously.
You have somewhere else to be?
No. Well, surgery.
But never mind. Go on.
I'll need to know all political affiliations,
favorite baseball team,
favorite radio shows...
Mr. Weissman, could you excuse me a minute?
I need to use the bathroom.
Oh. That's something you do?
Yes.
All right. If you must.
Oh.
-What was that for? -I just needed to make sure
-you're worth all this. -I am.
God, this is much harder than I thought it was gonna be.
My father's a complicated man. But once this is over,
you guys are going to be very close.
-It will never be over. -It will be.
Four patients have already died this morning.
-A small price to pay. -I thought we were making progress
when we stumbled onto the Big Bang theory.
How do you stumble onto the Big Bang theory?
And then he asked if I snack in between meals.
-You said no, right? -I said it depends.
-Oh, dear. -It does. It's snacking.
There's no plan. That's what makes it snacking.
Okay, relax. You're doing fine. And get back in there.
If he thinks you're taking too long in the bathroom,
there will be a very thorough physical
-in your future. -Bye.
Is this how you look in the morning?
Yes, it is.
I'll never make it to work on time again.
-I'm back. -ABE: That was quick. Good for you.
Get these downstairs to accounting now
-or no one gets paid. -ALL: What?!
Everyone's getting paid! It's an expression.
-Get back to work. -Mr. Maisel, phone.
The Dutch fabric shipment's gone missing.
How does a truckload of fabric go missing?
-Joel, are we on for tonight? -I have the kids tonight.
-I love kids. -Great. Go have some.
-Never mind, they found it. -Where?
Times Square. The driver had an audition.
Get the shipment, fire the driver. In that order.
Okay, see, when I gave you
that giant amount of money to go away,
-I expected you to go away. -I don't have time right now, Pop.
I fired you, and you responded by bringing your children here.
Is that hostile or adorable? I just can't tell.
I'll go. I'm going. I just have to figure out where.
In the meantime, Mrs. Moskowitz,
when is the Joseph Miller meeting again?
-4:45. -4:45?
That's what he said, 4:45.
Hey, what are you drawing there, Ethan?
Mommy's friend. Bathroom!
Mr. Maisel, I am not cleaning that bathroom again.
I got it, Mrs. Moskowitz.
He's like a sprung garden hose, that child.
-Mommy's got a friend. -Fuck you.
Aha, baby's first swear word.
Definitely not her first.
What is your life, anyhow?
JOEL: Ethan!
Remember, pal, you have to look where you're aiming
-when you use the urinal. -Why?
Because if you keep hitting the floor and the counter
and the ceiling, no girl's ever gonna marry you,
and Mrs. Moskowitz is gonna leave your daddy,
so we'll both be alone.
Hey. So, Mommy has a new friend, huh?
-Yeah. -And you met him?
-Yeah. -Where?
At the park.
I thought you had to go to the bathroom.
ETHAN: Not fun now!
-This one? -Second wedding.
-This one. -Miriam, please.
You can't wear white. It's a second wedding.
-You can wear champagne. -I don't want to wear champagne.
It's not a color. It's what happens when white gets sad.
Well, I'm sorry. Second weddings are subtle, dignified.
No big halls or lavish dinners.
Second weddings mean 40 guests
and a luncheon at home with scrambled eggs.
Wow. What's the third wedding mean?
Third wedding means I'm dead.
-Can I wear white? -Keep looking, please.
There may not even be a wedding at this rate.
Papa still hasn't said yes.
Plus, he said if he does say yes,
-he's not gonna pay for it. -Yes, he will.
He'll pay for a second wedding here at home with scrambled...
Scrambled eggs and a champagne dress.
Oh, now cheer up. You can still give a toast.
I know you have your heart set on giving a toast.
-How do you know that? -Ladies.
Papa. Hi!
There's a sandwich for you in the refrigerator, Abe.
Papa? Hey, Papa?
Papa? Papa?
Miriam, do you get paid by the "Papa"?
-No. -(sighs)
-So, Papa... -Pickles.
I was just wondering if you've thought any more
about your talk with Benjamin?
-No. -No? Just no?
No. Yes, no.
Well, you know from experience, the sooner you book a hall,
the better deal you get.
ROSE: No hall! Second wedding!
I do not have an answer yet.
Well, is there anything you want to talk about with me?
-No. -Anything I can tell you?
-No. Wait. Yes. -Great. What?
Do you ever call him Ben?
-No. -Benny?
-No. -Dr. Ben?
-No. -Okay.
Thank you for that information.
Papa? Papa...
For a woman who wants to make her fortune on the stage,
you have an extremely limited vocabulary.
Why won't you give your permission?
I didn't say I wouldn't give my permission.
I just said I haven't decided yet.
Well, what's taking you so long?
I have to run his numbers again.
I don't think his figures add up.
It's not fair to make him wait.
Well, if he doesn't like it,
he can go ahead and marry you without my permission.
Joel did. That turned out great.
Forget it.
When I've decided, you'll know.
-Fine. -I'll send up a flare.
Super.
Miriam, wait.
I need to ask you something.
What did you say in Washington?
What did I say about what?
In your club date-- what did you say about...
about me?
Papa, I swear, that night in the Catskills
was a total and complete anomaly.
-So you didn't talk about me at all? -I did not.
Cross my heart and swear to God on the life of my kids.
-Oh, wait. -You did talk about me.
-Just a little. -What did you say?
-It's very important that I know. -I said,
"Is Senator Kennedy running for president?
"It's up to Jackie. You know she wears the pants
-in that family." -No, she doesn't.
Well, I haven't gotten to the part about the linen.
-What linen? -Her pants are linen.
-Who cares what fabric they are? -No.
The whole point of the bit is she wears linen pants,
and they wrinkle while you're ironing them.
You know, you don't seem to be getting any better at this.
-Let me start again. -Please don't.
Just skip to the part about me.
I said, I found you listening to my four-year-old's record,
a song about teaching yourself
to wipe your, uh... tushie, after going to the bathroom,
and you said you were listening to it, because at work,
you're trying to teach a computer to sing.
And what was the punch line?
Now I'm wondering, does my father not know
-how to go to the bathroom? -Okay.
-And if that's true, who taught me? -I get it.
-Because my mother never goes to the bathroom. -That's enough.
-I heard my name! -No, you didn't.
What else did you say? About Bell Labs?
-About the work there? -Nothing.
No specifics about what I do?
I don't know what you do. I've never known what you do.
Most of the time, I have no idea what you're talking about.
I have no idea why we're having this conversation right now.
All right.
I believe you.
We haven't finished our Benjamin conversation yet.
-Yes, we have. -I want an answer.
-Okay. No. -You're right. Take your time.
-What do you think? -I think it's a piece of shit.
That's the eighth chair you said was a piece of shit.
I believe all eight are genuinely a piece of shit.
Jackie, we can't throw out every fucking chair.
Now, just tell me, what can you fix and what can't you fix?
-Fix? -Repair.
-Me? -Yeah, you.
Who told you I can fix anything?
I thought you were a carpenter.
Who the fuck told you that?
Isn't that what you did before you worked here?
No! Oh, wait.
Yes, I did. I am a carpenter.
So can you fix these?
Absolutely.
(phone ringing)
What?
I just... Never mind.
Gaslight.
-WOMAN: Susie Myerson? -Yeah?
I'm calling on behalf of Sophie Lennon.
-Oh, shit. -Excuse me?
I, um... I'm bleeding. Uh, could I call you back?
Miss Lennon requests your presence
at her house this Friday, 1:00 sharp.
-What? Why? -She is requesting it.
Friday, 1:00 sharp.
Uh, Friday's not really good for me.
My mistake. She is demanding your presence
at her house Friday, 1:00 sharp.
-But... -215 East 98th Street.
Eat before you come. Lunch will not be served.
-Wait! -(line clicks)
-(sighs) -(dial tone)
(upbeat jazz music playing)
That was Sophie Lennon summoning me to her house.
Can you believe that? After what Harry Drake did?
After what she did to Midge? Is she crazy?
-You got to go. -What do you mean, I got to go?
-No way. -You fucked up.
You went off, you made things worse.
Now you got to go eat some shit to make things right for Midge.
Midge wouldn't want me to eat shit.
Doesn't matter what she wants.
You're the manager. You go to do what's best for your client.
I don't like this side of you, Jackie.
-What side? -Rational. It's freaking me out.
Look, one thing I know about, even more than carpentry,
and this is from personal experience--
in life, sometimes you got to eat a whole lot of shit.
Piles of it. More shit than you can imagine.
If you took a pack of wolves with stomach issues,
and locked them in your apartment for a month,
and then came home with a spoon,
that's the amount of shit I'm talking about.
Thank you for the vivid imagery.
Life is basically an all-you-can-eat shit show.
-You're disgusting. -Yup, but I'm right.
Hey, I fixed it. How the fuck do you like that?
(Jackie chuckles)
Joel? It's me. Can I come in?
(Esther babbles)
(Esther shouts)
Hi. Sorry I'm late.
Ethan, grab your bag.
-Your mother's here. -Everything okay?
You were supposed to be here at 6:00.
I know. I'm sorry.
They are both fed, but Ethan's decided
he wants an additional bedtime meal, so you figure out
what the hell that means so I can be prepared next time.
-Joel... -Bye, pal.
-See you in a few days. -Joel, what's the matter?
-Nothing. -Why are you giving me the brush-off?
I'm not giving you the brush-off.
I have to work, you have to go. Case closed.
Okay, but...
Okay, I'll drop them off on Friday.
-Yup. -Come on.
I heard about Ethan meeting your new friend at the park.
-Oh, Joel... -You know, I have friends, too.
Maybe I should introduce them to the kids at the park.
I'm sorry. It was a mistake.
Mama told him we were there. I didn't invite him.
Those are my children, Midge.
I have a right to know who's meeting them.
-I agree. I told him that. -Oh, you did? When?
When he showed up. I told him that you didn't know about it,
and I needed to tell you before I introduced them.
This is bullshit.
-I thought we were playing nice. -We are.
My kids!
Mine! I should be informed
before you hand them over to another man.
I didn't hand them over to another man.
He showed up by accident. It was not intentional.
Don't make this a thing.
It is a thing! It's a big fu...
I have to work. You have to go.
You're being unreasonable.
Oh, am I? Well, you should leave me then.
Oh, wait.
I didn't leave you. You left me!
And then you left me back! Figuratively speaking.
-Bye. -Bye!
ETHAN: We used a urinal.
JOEL: She's got a friend, a fucking...
-friend! -I hate friends.
Kids have all sorts of friends.
"Come meet my kids. We're in the park."
Three kids. It's a lot of friends.
They're my kids, asshole.
My kids!
Your two kids. I've got three.
Three kids, same income!
"It was an accident."
Accident, my ass.
Accidents happen all the time,
especially after four Rob Roys, hence... three kids!
You know what? I'm done.
Me, too. I don't care what Imogene's mother says.
(grunting)
I know I fucked up, okay?
I fucked up! I get it!
And I've been paying for it for a year.
No more.
She wants to live her life? Great.
I get to live mine, too.
Well, someone should, 'cause it won't be me.
Three kids!
My mother of all people-- she told me to stop waiting around.
Well, here you go, Ma. You win!
Mothers always win.
Three kids!
She's not the only one who gets a dream.
I'm gonna have a dream.
My dream?
A really empty house.
(grunting)
(panting)
You know, when I was a kid,
there was this place down by the tracks.
A real shithole gin joint.
The place barely had a roof,
-but they got some great musicians to play there. -Yeah?
Louis Armstrong stopped by one night.
Blew the fucking roof off the place.
The owner, Mario-- he let me hang out there.
Threw me a couple of bucks if I ran errands,
bought the guys cigarettes,
hauled some beer crates out of the cellar.
I loved that place.
(siren wailing in distance)
Maybe it wasn't the comedy.
What do you mean?
Clearly, I'm not funny, but maybe it was the club life,
the club scene, maybe that's what I loved.
I have to say, I always thought you were funny.
-Archie. -You always make me laugh.
Your impression of your Uncle Moe slays me.
I'm talking professional funny.
Midge funny.
Oh. Well, yeah, you're definitely not that.
I think I'm gonna do it.
I think I'm gonna open a club.
(car horn honks)
(grunting)
(panting)
I guess now we have to pick up all those balls?
Yup.
Probably should have thought about that before we started.
So many things we should have thought about before we started.
♪ ♪
Charles, I'd like to talk to you in the secure room... now.
(buzzer sounds)
I'm very busy, Abe, so we'll need to make this brief.
I talked to my daughter Miriam about your concerns,
and I can assure you...
(buzzer sounds)
Abe, you remember Martin Cummings.
He's with our Government Liaison Department.
-Hello, Abe. -Yes, hello, Martin.
-But, Charles, we don't need... -(buzzer sounds)
Abe, you remember Bob Jackson, head of our in-house counsel.
Yes. Hello, Bob.
But, Charles, what I want to say doesn't require...
(buzzer sounds)
And, of course, Devlin Mclaine, obviously.
He's here as a witness.
(buzzer sounds)
They must have buzzed the wrong room.
We're done.
Okay. As I was saying,
I talked to Miriam, and she told me...
(clearing throats)
(chairs squeaking on floor)
She did not say anything
about any project we are working on here.
She made a joke
about the record I was playing at home, and that is all.
She's a comedian.
They humiliate their families onstage.
That's their job.
So, no harm was done.
Okay?
We don't see it that way, Abe.
Clearly, she knew you were working on something.
-I'm always working on something. -At the very least,
-you were extremely... -Loose-lipped.
Extremely loose-lipped about the situation.
-We don't like loose lips. -They sink ships.
I've heard the phrase.
CHARLES: Why were you even listening to this album at home?
Don't you have access to a bunker
or a bomb shelter of some sort?
You can't be serious.
You played the album in front of your daughter.
You then confirmed to her that you were indeed working
on a Bell Labs government project.
That alone puts you in breach of contract.
So, not only are you a security risk,
your daughter is one as well.
She might want to retain a lawyer.
-CHARLES: A good one. -She's a comedian.
And a girl.
What kind of risk could she possibly be?
If I told you that, then I would be a security risk.
And if I listen to that, then I would be a security risk.
You came to me, remember?
You came to Columbia and-and begged me to come here
and give you my expertise.
And I did.
And now you treat me like a criminal?
Well, I can take that expertise back as fast as I gave it.
Think about that.
You signed away your intellectual property
when you signed your contract.
We own your expertise.
You can't own my expertise!
It's mine!
I think you should leave now.
When I was a young man,
I marched against people like you.
People in coats with tags and secret bunkers.
I was gonna fight you, bring you down,
make the world a better place.
I don't know how I got so far off that track,
but you better believe I am going
to start retracing my steps right now.
And if you ever threaten my daughter again,
I will punch you right in the nose.
It won't hurt. I'm not strong.
But, at the very least, you will be embarrassed
that you got punched in the nose by a not-strong mathematician.
You really want to mess with me?
Go ahead.
Take your best shot.
And then you will find out what Abe Weissman is truly made of.
You're going to have to buzz me out.
(buzzer sounds)
-It's a girl! -It's a girl.
Oh! Can I hug you?
I just had a shot.
Congratulations.
Millie. We called her Millie.
-Aw. -Millicent, after Archie's someone or other.
But Millicent, ugh. So, Millie!
Millie is beautiful.
What's he doing there?
IMOGENE: He was so nervous that Joel
took him to a bar to relax him
and brought him back like that.
He fell and got two stitches in his head.
He just doesn't know it yet.
With Esther, Joel broke an arm.
Men are really terrible at this.
You want to see her?
Well, I certainly didn't come here to see you.
-Oh, Imogene, she's perfect. -Isn't she?
-Boy or girl? -IMOGENE/MIDGE: Girl.
Girl? Really?
-You knew that, Archie. -(fussing)
-Can I hold her? -Well, someone should.
(fussing)
Hello, Millie.
Millie? Really?
You named her, Archie.
I'm Miriam.
You can call me Midge.
We're gonna be great friends.
Hey, don't I have an Aunt Millicent?
Go get some coffee, Archie.
See, now, if for some reason things don't work out
with Ethan and Estelle, then he can marry Millie.
MIDGE: Her first hand-me-down.
Hey, what happened to my head?
Oh, Midge, you have got to have another baby.
-We always have them together. -I know.
Don't you want another one?
Well, I have two pretty good ones right now.
I know. But when they're new...
Fresh out of the drawer...
There's nothing like it.
ARCHIE: Do I have stitches?
Archie, coffee.
Okay.
So...
tell me where you stand.
-What do you mean? -Benjamin.
Is he in or out? Because, on paper, he seems perfect.
Off paper, too.
If you hurry and get married,
we can still take our stroller walks in the park together.
Oh, I love those walks.
One more peek.
(knocking)
(exhales) Hi, Midge.
I'm getting, uh...
uh...
-Huh. -(Millie fussing)
That's your daddy.
(audience laughing)
No, but my wife is great.
But, get this, she's jealous of our toilet,
because I spend more time on it than I do on her.
She says I should be more attentive in bed.
Now, I'm in bed. I'm not fast asleep.
I'd say that's pretty damn attentive.
Of course, it doesn't help much that I'm going bald on top.
But I got hair growing out of the tops of my toes.
-You want a drink? -I'm good.
This guy's nothing. You can beat him.
It's not a competition.
Well, yeah, it kind of is.
You gonna do the shopping bit?
It's not ready yet.
I thought it went good the other night.
It's not ready.
Okay.
MILES: Here's the thing, a penis is...
-You have a thread... -I got it.
-You're up next. -Finally.
Now, you're not gonna go after any of my guys tonight, right?
-You're gonna be a good girl? -"Good girl"?
What are you, her kindergarten teacher?
Hey, I wasn't talking to you.
I'm her manager and I get ten percent
precisely to tell you she can do whatever the fuck she wants.
I'm not gonna go after any of your guys. I promise.
Okay. Let's go.
Thank you. I'm Miles Shapiro.
I'll be at the Trap in Hoboken for a full week in December,
so hop on the H&M, come on out, and keep me company!
Good night, everybody!
(cheering and applause)
Next up onto the stage,
a pretty lady with a lot to say.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Maisel.
-(applause) -Hey, wait. We didn't do "Tits up."
-Tits up. -Tits...
MIDGE: Good evening, everyone.
I'm Mrs. Maisel. It's great to be here at--
-Wait, where are we? Oh, right. -(laughter)
In that case, it's just okay to be here.
It's better than traffic.
Or prison. Well, maybe not traffic.
Prison has less angry people screaming.
I almost didn't make it here at all.
My best friend Imogene just had a baby.
A little girl.
She's adorable.
Still has the cute little forceps dent in her head.
And I sat there in that hospital room thinking
about all the things this little girl has to look forward to:
roller skates,
jump rope,
cramps,
and one day getting pregnant and having her own baby.
And I started really thinking about the whole pregnancy thing.
I mean, okay, you have sex.
Nice.
You get pregnant. Nice.
You let a human being grow inside your stomach
for nine months till it's six to 12 pounds large
and then you give it an escape route
the size of a change purse.
And-and not a normal
"I'm going to the market" sized change purse,
with room for cash and a Diners Club card, but a tiny
little "I'm going out for the evening,
I just need lipstick" change purse.
Who agreed to this?
Who, in the beginning,
when it was getting sorted out, negotiated this deal?
Was it Eve?
No. I bet it was Adam.
He hadn't eaten from the Tree of Knowledge yet,
so he was just like, "Yeah, that'll fit."
See, the thing I know the most about pregnancy
-is that there is absolutely... -BOBBY: Okay, okay, okay!
Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Maisel!
(applause)
All right, we're gonna take a short break.
But, uh, a lot more comedy ahead of you, so get ready!
Are you crazy? You can't say that onstage.
Say what, "change purse"?
-What the fuck, Bobby? -"Pregnant."
I can't say "pregnant"? Are you kidding?
-Nobody wants to hear that word. -Well, I know they don't want
to hear it in the context of "Guess what, I'm pregnant.
-Who gets to tell your wife?" -Any context.
-It's foul. -It's foul?
The guy before her talked about getting dick fungus.
That was funny. This is female stuff.
-It's private. -It's real.
It's life. Literally.
She can talk about whatever she wants to.
-It's her act. -Nope. Here she tells jokes.
You want to talk about your female parts,
you go see the obstrenician-- ob-- whatever the fuck.
Not on my stage!
I hate that guy.
Screw this place. We don't have to play here anymore.
Really? Where else are we gonna go?
-Anywhere. -Anywhere below Midtown
or in another state, as long as it's a shithole
and has only three people in it, right?
Next thing you know, I'll be reduced to doing two minutes
in the ladies' room. I mean, "Why are there mints in here?
"It's not your mouth that needs refreshing.
"Am I right, ladies? I'll be here all week.
Remember to tip your attendant."
We'll find more clubs.
This business sucks.
I hate it.
Hey, that's the game.
You know that.
You just have to keep fighting.
You keep fighting.
I'm gonna get a drink.
("One for My Baby" by Frank Sinatra playing)
(neon sign buzzing)
(thunder rumbling)
♪ It's quarter to 3:00 ♪
♪ There's no one in the place ♪
♪ Except you and me ♪
(indistinct chatter)
♪ So set 'em up, Joe ♪
♪ I got a little story ♪
Two comics walk into a bar...
And neither one has any money to pay for the drinks.
Ah, shit, you've heard it before.
What are you doing in this despicable place?
Sulking.
I was just yanked from the stage mid-set
and thrown out of the club.
-What did you say? -"Pregnant."
Oh, well, then you had it coming.
I wasn't even dirty. That dirty.
I wasn't any dirtier than I usually am,
and this asshole literally pushed me off the stage
because I was talking about my best friend having a baby.
Well, you know I like you.
And, normally, I would do everything in my power
to make you feel better.
However, tonight,
I am feeling very sorry for myself,
so all of my sympathy is reserved for me.
What's the matter?
We can now add Chicago to the list of places
that have a warrant out for my arrest.
What did you say?
I talked about your friend having a baby.
And the Pope fucking a three-legged duck.
And interracial dating.
And what does Marilyn Maxwell possibly see in Bob Hope.
That's what they got you for.
The man is a national treasure.
At this rate, the only place I'm gonna be able to work
is Wyoming, and who knows what the people of Wyoming will do
at the sight of their first Jew.
Hey, drink your drink.
(exhales)
♪ I could tell you a lot ♪
That wasn't my drink.
But it did help.
Thanks.
♪ True to your code ♪
I'm tired.
I'm getting tired.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
Sometimes, I think, "Is it worth it?"
And, sometimes, I think, "No."
I'm Sisyphus,
without the fabulous hair and the loincloth,
pushing that boulder up that hill over and over and over.
Try it in heels.
I'm working to pay all the lawyers.
I'm broke.
I gave up my apartment, sold my car.
Well, I think it was my car. But, either way, it's gone.
Do you need some money?
I could ask my father for a loan.
Thank you. Thank your father,
but I am very capable of running out on a bill like a grown-up.
♪ Won't you listen to me ♪
It's going to be okay.
Is it?
♪ Till it's talked away ♪
Yes.
There is a little silver lining.
Steve Allen gave me a spot on his show.
That's a pretty big silver lining, mister.
He's giving me a chance to prove
that I can play nice with the other kids.
Make myself presentable again.
That's great.
Yes.
Yes, it is.
First time I took my son Ethan for a playdate with other kids,
he was so nervous that I promised to stand outside
the whole time in case he wanted to leave.
He didn't.
It rained.
Want me to come stand outside your playdate?
♪ But this torch that I found ♪
♪ It's got to be drowned ♪
You are lovely.
♪ Might explode ♪
Yes, a little moral support never hurts.
Okay.
I want you to know that I am feeling...
...a little emasculated right now.
I don't really mind it, actually.
♪ So long ♪
Sunday night. 8:00.
♪ The long ♪
Bring an umbrella.
♪ Very long. ♪
"Eat shit." You eat shit.
I'm kidnapped, my client's fucked over,
but I'm the one that has to eat shit?
(sighs)
Okay, screw it.
(doorbell plays a tune)
-Miss Myerson? -Yeah.
May I see some form of identification?
Won't you come in?
Thanks.
Wow, cramped.
Miss Susie Myerson.
Jesus Christ.
Come closer.
(dogs panting)
Close enough.
Two steps back.
So...
Okay, look, I came here to eat shit so just let me eat it.
I thought my secretary told you to eat before you came.
The other night in my dressing room you said
some dreadful things.
There were threats of violence.
Against me, against my costume.
I know, I'm sorry about that.
You blocked my steam; no one has ever blocked my steam before.
I was out of line, okay?
But you have to understand, I was protecting my client.
-Out! -Okay.
SOPHIE: Not you.
Did you know that I went to the Yale School of Drama?
That's where I met Kazan. Fucked him, too.
I fancied myself Medea, Phaedra,
Nora, Hedda Gabler, Maggie the Cat...
Richard III?
But fate had something different in store for me.
Sophie from Queens.
(chuckles) You know I've never been to Queens?
I've driven through, I've performed there,
but I've never actually been.
Tell me, is that really how they talk?
Well, they don't discuss putting things on plates
as much as you think.
Harry Drake, he knew I wanted to be a serious actress
when he signed me, but he didn't care.
(chuckles) He didn't care about Sophie from Ann Arbor.
He only cared about Sophie from Queens.
And I thought, "All right, so become a star, Sophie.
Then you can do whatever you want."
And now I am a star.
And I still slap on a fat suit night after night
because my people don't think the audience
will come see me in A Streetcar Named Desire.
Oh, they're wrong; I'd pay anything
to see you carted off to an asylum.
My people say, "Stay where you are or you'll lose everything."
They don't believe in me.
I want someone to believe in me.
To fight for me, to threaten violence for me
the way you threatened violence for her.
Well, Harry Drake did send two guys to kill me.
And yet here you are.
Look, Sophie, Miriam and I are just different, okay?
We have kind of a special thing going on, a connection.
And I want a special thing as well.
I want someone to have passion for me.
Drive, vision, fearlessness.
I want you.
To what?
I want you to be my manager.
(dog howls)
Do not concern yourself with returning the coat.
Miss Lennon's worn it twice. Good-bye.
What the fuck?!
Second wedding, my ass.
(phone rings)
Hello?
I've heard absolutely nothing from your father
and I'm going insane.
Then you'll fit right into our family.
What could possibly be the holdup?
I'm a doctor. Do you know what kind of parking spaces
you get when you're a doctor? Spectacular.
That was the clincher for me.
I wonder if I blew it with my reading list.
-Why? -I padded it a little.
A lot. I padded it a lot.
-It doesn't matter. -What if there's a quiz?
-There won't be a quiz. -We had fun, didn't we?
Hey, relax. You have surgery today.
Go have a martini. Or you're in a hospital, take a Seconal.
Someday I'll need to explain to you
what surgery actually entails.
-MAN: Paging Dr. Ettenberg. -Maybe I should call him again.
-Is that too desperate? -Do you have to go?
No. Why?
-Aren't you Dr. Ettenberg? -Yeah, so?
Oh, God, I have to go. I told you, insane.
-I'll call you later. -It's all going to be fine.
I promise you.
(phone rings)
Hello?
SHY (over phone): May I speak to Mrs. Maisel?
Who's calling?
Shy Baldwin here.
We met the other night, remember?
Remember? Well-- Shy Baldwin?
Shy-- Mama!
My mother would love to talk to-- Mama, seriously!
Oh, shit, I forgot. Hairdresser.
Hairdresser's very important.
She will never forgive me if she misses this.
She will kill me. Brutally.
And then it might be linked to you in the press
and I'd feel terrible about that. Please wait
till she gets back. Can I get you some coffee?
Absolutely, cream and sugar.
-You're not here. -And you should be a singer
with that kind of breath control.
I'm sorry.
I'm just a really big-- Why are you calling?
Because I saw you on that telethon
and I thought you were sensational.
And as I was sitting there having my nightcap,
I said to myself, "Why isn't that girl a star?"
And then I said to myself, "Well, you know what, Shy,
you can help with this situation."
So I am.
How would you like to open for me on tour?
What?
It'll be six months.
Three in the States, three in Europe.
You'll do 30 minutes and a couple of bits with me.
We leave in two weeks and you'll need
a lot of new fancy clothes, which I will pay for.
There it is. That's the purpose of my phone call.
-So, what do you... -Yes.
Are you sure you don't need...
No. Yes.
Oh, my God. Yes.
Then we have a deal, little miss mouthy.
I'll get in touch with your people to work out the details.
We're gonna have a hell of a time.
Talk to you soon.
(screams)
(panting)
Oh!
I have news.
God, give me a fucking heart attack.
Wait, the heart attack's coming. We need a drink.
I need a defibrillator.
-You ready? -Sure.
You are gonna have to give me a better "sure" than that.
-Sure! -Ew, go back.
Just fucking say it.
We are going on tour with Shy Baldwin.
What?
He saw me at the telethon in my shit spot
and he loved me and he wants me to open for him for six months.
Huh? How's that story gonna play on Jack Paar?
-You're sure it was Shy Baldwin? -Yup.
And you're sure he asked you to tour,
like flat-out asked you?
I want a pink dressing room.
Can you put that in my contract?
You're gonna open for Shy Baldwin.
Fuck Midtown, we're going to Europe.
I'm gonna need a passport.
And some decent underwear.
I can't believe it.
You know what I'd love to do?
Buy Sophie Lennon some flowers.
Sophie Lennon?
If she hadn't bumped me, I never would've gone on at midnight
and Shy never would have seen me and I wouldn't be assembling
a fabulous traveling outfit in my head right now.
I see a blue hat with feathers.
Let's just focus on the tour.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Get ready for some ice cream, bitch.
I should get his people on the phone.
Start talking salary; I don't want him thinking
just 'cause you're new, you're cheap.
I am totally new and completely cheap.
Hey, hey.
We did it. You and me.
Miriam, I should tell you something.
-You love me. -No.
I am amazing.
Can you please stop talking about yourself?
That's our bread and butter now, sister.
I just need to tell you...
My underwear's fine, so shut up.
We're going shopping.
Right now.
I have dresses to buy and hats to buy
and shoes to buy and purses to buy.
Should we maybe make some money before we go broke
and have to blow job our way across Europe?
(exhales)
Hello? It's me. Who's here?
ABE: Miriam. I need to talk to you.
-(door slams) -Can you do it on the move?
-I'm late. -Of course you're late.
You're always late.
You ever wondered to yourself,
-"Why am I always late?" -No.
Perhaps if you had a watch for every outfit.
-You needed to talk to me, Papa? -Yes, I've made a decision.
About what?
What do you mean, "about what?"
How many decisions concerning you am I making these days?
I don't know. Six?
-No. -Eight?
-No. -35?
I made a decision concerning you and Benjamin.
I know it took longer than you had desired,
but I had a devil of a time getting my hands
on his vaccination records.
I'm happy to say his references checked out,
his financials are sufficient, he can swim,
he's up-to-date on his mortgage payments,
his tax returns are in order,
and his patients have an 86% survival rate.
I will admit his reading list gave me pause.
Panaslotsky is not a real author and I was briefly offended
that he thought I could be duped.
However, after much deliberation, Miriam,
I have decided to give Benjamin permission
to ask for your hand.
You may get married. Again.
What? What?
-Shit. -(door opens)
ROSE: Hello? Anyone here?
-Not a word. I'm coming, Rose. -But Papa...
I have been waiting here all day to tell your mother
some things that may well make her take to her bed,
and I won't get a chance to tell her those things if she's
-already taken to her bed. -But...
Me first!
David Begelman says hello; I ran into him at the shoe repair.
-He's aging very poorly. -That's great.
Why don't we go into my study for a minute?
-Okay. -(sighs)
Just take a seat, please.
Um, where?
-Oh, uh... -MIDGE: Mama?
-Uh... -Papa?
-I'm late, I'm heading out! -(door opens)
Abe, please, what do you want to talk about?
-Rose... -(door closes)
You know that things have been
a little unsettled for me lately.
I know. They'll get better.
Yes, well, I went to Bell Labs and talked to Charles.
-I was incredibly reasonable. -Oh, dear.
-Is he hurt? -No, Charles is fine.
We just talked.
But something happened to me during that talk.
I started to think about my life.
Who I used to be, who I've become.
The choices I've made, the way I've raised my children.
I think I need to reevaluate some things.
What things?
It's not going to work out with Bell Labs, Rose.
That is not a place for me anymore.
Well, fine, you'll just focus on the university.
And I'm going to leave Columbia.
What?
I don't want to teach there anymore.
But-but you're a tenured professor.
I know. And they want to put me on the shelf.
-Take a sabbatical. -A paid sabbatical.
I don't want their money if I'm not earning it.
-Of course you do. -I'm going to give it up.
All of it.
-The job, the tenure... -You've lost your mind.
No, I haven't.
You're leaving Columbia?
I don't want to spend my life just drifting along.
I used to have purpose. I want it back.
-You're giving up your tenure? -Yes.
Colombia owns our apartment, Abe.
Yes... they do.
So, what do we do?
Move in with Miriam and Benjamin?
You'd really better sit down.
(applause)
STEVE ALLEN: So I'll tell you how we're
gonna fix the problem. We've decided
that once a month, we will book a comedian
-who will offend everyone. -(laughter)
Fair enough? All right.
-MIDGE: He knows I'm coming. -MAN: Doesn't matter.
-He knows I'm coming. -You're not on the list.
-He knows I'm coming. -He didn't leave a name.
He knows I'm coming. Lenny.
It's all right, Perry. She's my mother.
You didn't leave my name. Perry's having a heart attack.
I'm very sorry, Perry. It won't happen again.
People's names are supposed to be on the list.
That's how it works.
There goes the next president of the United States.
Never mind him. Let me look at you.
Good suit. Nice tie. Hair's fine.
Get ready for your intro. Only he goes onstage.
Hmm, Perry knows me better than I thought.
STEVE: Now, ladies and gentlemen,
here is a very shocking comedian,
the most shocking comedian of our time.
A young man who is skyrocketing to fame,
-Lenny Bruce. -(cheering and applause)
-Tits up. -Thanks.
-You'll explain that when I get back? -Yes, I will.
LENNY: Will Elizabeth Taylor become bar mitzvahed?
(laughter)
Yeah, I promise continuity.
I'll do all the lines that we rehearsed.
And actually, I do have
and always will be accused of banter.
Ha! Yeah.
But there is another side to my nature--
uh, the aesthetic side.
-(piano playing) -A Clyde Beatty. Ha!
-And I'm going to, uh... -(chuckles)
Oh, did you dig that?
-Yeah. -Oh, I'm so happy.
And I'm going to write a musical, uh, with Steve Allen.
And it's sort of a nice kind of thing.
And it's about a couple,
and if you've been married, you know, or are now,
you know the scene that happens.
You have a million beefs with your old lady,
and you break up, then you go back together again.
But this couple in the play, they're a little eccentric,
and they've broken up and gone back
about 55 times in seven years.
But they keep going back for the kids' sake.
So, finally, they go to a marriage counselor,
it opens up, and they're together,
and they're happy without one argument.
But the kids are complete nuts
'cause they were so adjusted to that scene--
you know, breaking up and going back together--
that it's been too much for them.
So they decide, for the kids' sake,
to break up.
And in the scene,
Steve, like, you know, he's my friend,
and we're hanging out together,
and, uh, he's got the first line.
All right. Hey, Lenny, where's your old lady?
-Oh, we had a beef, man. We broke up. -Oh, that's too bad.
But don't worry, you'll get back together.
No, that's it, you know?
You have a million fights, and finally you decide
that's the one. You've had it, you know?
And I finally got the guts, and I got rid of her.
I don't believe it, man, but I finally did it.
-I finally got rid of her. -How'd you do that?
She left me.
But it's better off, man.
You're better off alone.
I'm really gonna swing.
I'm gonna fix up my own pad.
That's it. I can really fix up a pad.
I'm gonna really get some of that shiny black furniture.
And I'll get a bullfight poster.
And I'll get a coffee table, and I'll make a door out of it.
And I'll just really swing, and it'll just be nice.
And I'll get a satin smoking jacket
and a pearl white phone, and I'll sit back and relax,
and finally I'll be all alone, man.
That's the best way to make it. All alone.
♪ All alone, all alone ♪
♪ Oh, what joy to be all alone ♪
♪ I'm happy alone, don't you see? ♪
♪ I've convinced you... ♪
Sorry to keep you waiting, Abe.
No problem. I just got here.
-My father says hello. -How is Robert?
Angry. Hostile. The same.
Give him my best.
We-we should all have a meal one of these days.
We could regale you with tales of two angry young men
who thought they knew everything.
-My father still does. -(laughs)
He was a great speaker.
And he made great signs.
So, what can I do for you, Abe?
Well, there are things happening in my life
that I believe I'm going to need a really good lawyer for.
You know the kind of law I practice, right?
I'm spoiling for a really good fight.
Well, then you've come to the right man.
(Abe chuckles)
Coffee. Speak.
♪ All alone, all alone ♪
♪ Like a nearsighted dog, where's the bone? ♪
♪ Ah, but it's better to be all alone ♪
♪ No more taking out the garbage ♪
♪ Hear her yakking on the phone ♪
♪ I gave her everything ♪
♪ Even my mother's ring ♪
♪ But to me she was so petty ♪
Sometimes I wish that she were dead.
But it'd probably take her two hours to get ready.
When she's old,
then she's gonna be sorry.
That's it. Like, she's young and swinging now,
and she can get a lot of guys, but when she's old--
I can see, about 20 years from now.
"Oh, how you doing, Annie?
"Yeah, haven't seen you in a long time.
"You look pretty good, baby. You still washing your hair
"with Dutch cleanser, I see.
"Yeah. Yeah, you look pretty good.
"You gained a few pounds. What happened to your neck?
"Yeah. I heard you got married a few times.
"Uh, me? No, I, uh, I've always stayed single.
"I've-I've been investing in property.
"I picked up a little place in Mexico.
"Maybe you've heard of it. It's called Acapulco.
"Where are you living?
"A furnished room? Oh, that's nice.
"Yeah, you cook on the radiator, the paper drapes.
"Sit in the lobby, watch television and all that, yeah.
"That's cool, yeah.
"You have the Diners Club, you sign for it.
You go first class in those joints, I know that, yeah."
That's it.
Her future spells a murky gloom.
I'll be rich and famous,
and she'll be living in a furnished room.
But it's gonna be too late.
I won't hear her moan.
I'll be living in my Nob Hill mansion, rich...
and all alone.
♪ All alone ♪
♪ I'll be rich ♪
♪ But so ♪
♪ All ♪
♪ Alone. ♪
(applause)
Midge?
I'm gonna open for Shy Baldwin.
What?
Midge, that's...
He wants me to go on tour with him.
He says I'll be gone six months.
And I said yes.
Just like that.
Didn't even think about it.
Didn't think about anything or anyone.
Just yes.
And I understand now.
Everything's different.
I can't go back to Jell-O molds.
There won't be three before 30 for me.
I just made a choice.
-Midge... -I am gonna be all alone
for the rest of my life.
That's what I just decided in a five-minute phone call.
Amazing, isn't it?
You don't know that. You don't...
I'm gonna leave really soon.
Barely enough time to get packed.
Especially the way that I travel.
And I don't want to be alone.
Not tonight.
Tonight-- just for tonight--
I really need to be with someone who loves me.
("This Will Be Our Year" by The Zombies playing)
♪ The warmth of your love's like the warmth from the sun ♪
♪ And this will be our year ♪
♪ Took a long time to come ♪
♪ Don't let go of my hand now darkness has gone ♪
♪ This will be our year ♪
♪ Took a long time to come ♪
♪ And I won't forget the way ♪
♪ You helped me up when I was down ♪
♪ And I won't forget the way you said ♪
♪ Darling, I love you ♪
♪ You gave me faith to go on ♪
♪ Now we're there and we've only just begun ♪
♪ This will be our year ♪
♪ Took a long time to come ♪
♪ The warmth of your smile ♪
♪ Smile for me, little one ♪
♪ And this will be our year ♪
♪ Took a long time to come ♪
♪ You don't have to worry, all your worried days are gone ♪
♪ And this will be our year ♪
♪ Took a long time to come ♪
♪ And I won't forget the way ♪
♪ You helped me up when I was down ♪
♪ And I won't forget the way you said ♪
♪ Darling, I love you ♪
♪ You gave me faith to go on ♪
♪ Now we're there, and we've only just begun ♪
♪ This will be our year ♪
♪ Took a long time to come ♪
♪ And this will be our year ♪
♪ Took a long time ♪
♪ To come ♪
♪ My, my, my. ♪