("Old Mother Hubbard" by Ella Fitzgerald playing)
-That's sold. -It is? We just got here.
Most of the pieces here are already sold.
Isn't this the opening?
They invite serious collectors to come to the pre-opening.
-I bought those three last week. -How much?
-For this one? -Yeah.
-$1,200. -You're kidding.
I got to get Ethan a paint set.
Oh, Parsons. Ha! It's Parsons. That's Parsons.
I have to go talk to him.
-I'm coming back. -Oh.
♪ And he barked, whoo, whoo ♪
♪ Looked Hubbard straight in the eye... ♪
What do you feel?
Hungry. I thought there'd be snacks.
-You just seemed very immersed. -In what?
Oh. This, yes. Very.
He paints completely naked.
Well, oil-based paint is really hard to get out of most fabrics.
Seriously, how do you respond to, "He paints naked"?
I'm just asking.
-How was Parsons? -Very angry.
I bought those paintings right out from under him.
-And this makes you happy? -Extremely.
He stole a Rauschenberg from me last month.
Bastard waited till I was ordering a drink.
Bam. Flew in, cash on the table.
Plus, the bartender got my drink wrong.
So how are you? Good? Yes? Having fun? It's fun, right?
Little question: Have you been popping mama's diet pills?
I get a little excited when it comes to art and revenge.
-Sure. -This is a particularly great show.
Solomon Crespi has been around for a few years,
but this show, this could be his breakthrough.
And I got three of his paintings and Parsons got none.
-Ah! David Mellman. David! -Do you hate him, too?
Should we take him out?
You buy his art while I go fuck up his drink?
-Where the hell have you been all my life? -Riverside Drive and 113th.
-I just needed to take a walk in the park. -Live and learn.
You are a great date to bring to something
you know nothing about and have no interest in.
Wait till you see me at a boxing match.
I'm gonna get you another drink.
You're going to gloat.
But I'm going to gloat by the bar,
-so two birds, one stone. -Martini, two olives.
-Cold, it's cold. -It's the coldness I crave.
The coldness is brilliant.
It's the coldness that gets you hung in the Whitney.
♪ Mother Hubbard, bring me some meat ♪
♪ Pork chops, chicken, fish bone ♪
♪ Anything you see ♪
♪ Somewhere, somewhere in this wide, wide world ♪
♪ There must be a bone for me ♪
♪ Doggone, said the little dog ♪
♪ That ain't the way to do ♪
♪ If you were hungry... ♪
-Excuse me. Is this sold? -No.
Don't you want to see which one I'm pointing to?
It's not sold. None of them are sold.
-How much? -25 bucks.
Do I just... take it off the wall?
It can't follow you home.
♪ Said the little dog ♪
♪ That ain't the way to do... ♪
-Hey. Look what I got. -Where'd you find that?
There's this sad little room back there.
Oh, yeah, that's where they put the very minor artists,
or the mops.
Well, I didn't see a mop, just paintings, like this.
-Oh, hey, it came with a hat. -All the great ones do.
I like it. My first art acquisition.
I hope you haggled the price down.
-Nope, paid full price. -Which was?
-25 bucks. -You overpaid.
-But... hat. -Right.
Okay. I'm done here.
I've circled, I've gloated. Where do you want to go?
It's your night.
There's a little gathering at the Cedar Tavern.
It's a place artists hang out.
I've never been, but I've heard you should never go in
wearing light-colored clothing.
Ooh, a dirty bar, my favorite kind.
Let's go.
Nice ladder.
♪ Mother Huzzard, bring me that muzzard. ♪
♪ ♪
This is the midnight blue velvet;
this is the ocean blue velveteen.
Clear? Yes? Good. Cut.
I got a case of champagne here for Maisel.
I got it.
Manny, what was the deal with the cigarettes?
-One for you, one for me. -And how many is that?
Five.
So you see where the dealmaking process went awry here?
-All right, all right. -Put it out.
-As soon as I'm done. -Now.
-Two more puffs? -Master negotiator.
Mrs. Moskowitz, I want a glass in everybody's hands.
Put out the fucking cigarette, Manny.
I got more booze.
Exactly what we need in a room full of giant scissors
and sharp electric implements.
Joel, are we still on for tonight?
-Absolutely, 10:00. -Swell. Got to go find my pants.
-Does she, though? -Hand out those glasses.
Everyone, stop working. Turn off your machines and gather round.
MOSKOWITZ: Mr. Maisel, one question.
-Is this an official meeting? -Is what an official meeting?
The 10:00 rendezvous with the young lady without the pants.
-No. -Because if it's official,
I should put it on your official itinerary.
The champagne, Mrs. Moskowitz.
Come on, everyone.
I promise this won't affect your hours.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
-I have an announcement to make. -(shushing)
At 4:00 this afternoon, I went down to the bank,
and after some negotiating, some pleading,
some bloodletting, this building,
the building that houses the Maisel and Roth Garment Company,
-is officially ours. -(excited murmuring)
We bought it, we own it, it will absolutely kill us,
the interest is criminal,
I anticipate dropping dead right on this spot,
but I own this spot, I get to.
(laughter)
Such a strange mixture of happiness and horror.
Oh, you're clearly not Jewish, dear.
I'd also like to toast my friend Archie,
who's expecting baby number three any day now.
-It's gonna be so loud. -(laughter)
And to Mrs. Moskowitz, who left Tri-Borough Plastics
to join me here full-time.
You are saving my life, Mrs. Moskowitz.
Yeah. Say a few words, Mrs. Moskowitz.
Thank you. Could everyone please use a coaster for your drinks?
Hell of a speech, Mrs. Moskowitz.
-(laughter, clapping) -Enjoy the food and the drinks,
because you people are the Roth to my Maisel,
and I thank you very much.
♪ ♪
Congratulations, Joel.
-Thank you... -(mouthing)
-Velma. -Are we still on for tonight?
-Yes. -No.
No, not tonight. Sunday could work.
-Yom Kippur. -Sunday's not good. Tuesday?
-Tuesday is good. -Tuesday is good.
Okay. (chuckles) Thanks.
You got quite a harem going there.
-Looking for a new wife? -No. No wives.
I had a wife. I've done wives. I'm just dating.
You have to leave the apartment to date.
He doesn't leave the apartment or buy them dinner.
Hey, what's with the teaming up on the guy
who sprung for the champagne?
We're just concerned about you.
Don't want you to get a bad reputation.
-Couple of girls. -Joel, can we do Thursday instead of Wednesday?
I'm gonna have to take my mother to church.
Thursday's fine.
What? It is.
We don't expect you to be alone.
We'd just like you to not pick up a venereal disease.
I appreciate that.
What are you doing for Yom Kippur?
You're welcome to break fast with me and my sister in Queens.
She makes a brisket with Coca-Cola.
Sounds terrific, Mrs. Moskowitz, but I'm going to the Weissmans.
Very civilized. Dinner with the ex.
Ethan asked me to come, so I'm coming.
You know, it was exactly one year ago
I blew up my entire life.
Yom Kippur, atone for your sins.
I'm the fucking poster boy.
Well, if you're gonna do the crime, you got to do the time.
I'm gonna make the rounds. Drink up. It's a celebration.
-(music playing, lively chatter) -This place is a zoo.
You go to a surgeon's bar, it's nothing like this.
-Hmm. -Wow, wow, w-wow.
-Add a word, any word. -That's Franz Kline.
-It is? -Do you know him?
-No. -Oh, I do. I own him.
How colonial of you.
No, I mean a painting. It's hanging in my living room.
It's tiny, but it's Franz Kline. Wow.
Robert Motherwell. Holy-- That's Robert Motherwell.
-Robert Motherwell! -You know him?
-Didn't we just do this? -Right. I'm sorry.
I just-- He's in my hall.
Yikes. Franz Kline got the living room.
It's a great hall. There's a bench.
-John Lambert. -Thank God you're Jewish.
Christmas morning would kill you.
Ooh, my turn.
-Jane Jacobs, remember me? -No.
Washington Square Park. You were protesting.
I got up and, "Women will fix it and accessorize it!"
Upper West Side. How you doing, West Side?
I'm good. I'm on a date with a doctor.
You should come rally the troops with me again.
I'll be there.
That girl's nuts.
I'm so glad we came here tonight.
So you could stare at Franz Kline?
Yes, and you.
-But mostly Franz Kline. -Come here.
DECLAN (slurring): Fuck Burroughs!
Fuck all writers!
I'm-I'm-I'm done with writers.
Oh, you're kidding. That is Declan Howell.
-Declan Howell? -I'm not falling for that again.
...Shore and Proust and Shakespeare.
God! William Shakespeare with his, with his "thees"
and "thous" and fairies and Puck. Fuck Puck!
Declan Howell is the most famous unknown artist in the world.
He's considered one of the greats by his peers,
but he can't sell his art.
Well, won't sell his art, actually.
-Why? -He's crazy. Just won't do it.
And if someone ever does talk him into a sale,
he always finds a way to get out of it.
Early in his career, he made a very big sale.
Peggy Guggenheim. The day she came to pick it up,
he sets it on fire right in front of her,
and then puts the fire out by...
Well, let's just say he did not use a fire extinguisher.
That's not true.
DECLAN: The last thing I read
that made any sense to me at all: Peanuts.
There's a story, urban myth maybe,
about a painting he painted.
It was supposed to be a masterpiece,
a thing of such beauty that, when Jackson Pollock saw it,
he said he wasn't sure if he would ever paint again.
Nothing he could do could come close.
-Really? Have you seen it? -No one's seen it but Pollock.
A lot of people think it doesn't exist.
Wow, Declan Howell.
That's like spotting a unicorn at the automat.
DECLAN: Bollocks.
Can I have another drink?
Hello?
-Are you ignoring me? -Yes, I am ignoring you.
Well, that doesn't seem very nice.
You told me to cut you off after six.
-Six what? -Six drinks.
Oh, well, that doesn't sound like me.
Uh, give us another.
Declan, you're drunk.
Listen to me, you dime-store Fagin.
I know when I'm drunk and when I'm not drunk,
and I'm not drunk.
Where are you going? Where's he going?
WOMAN: Everybody, shh.
-Where are you going? -You're doing it again.
Oh, dear, elevation's never been his friend.
-I will now prove -(music stops, people shushing)
to everyone in attendance
my complete lack of inebriation.
(laughter)
You all love the Bard so much.
Therefore, I shall recite for you a sonnet.
(excited chatter, whistling)
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
-(cheering) -"Thou art more lovely
"and more temperate.
"Rough winds do shake, um, the darling buds of May.
And summer's lease..."
-"Let me not to the marriage of true minds -(laughter)
"admit impediments.
Love is not love..."
That's not the right words, is it?
-Shut up. -(laughter)
"Which alters when it alteration finds,
or bends with..."
-"She walks in beauty, like the night." -(laughter)
-That's Byron. -Same fucking thing.
-(laughter) -"Of cloudless climes
and starless... fucking skies."
William Blake, Auguries of Innocence.
"To see a world in a grain of sand
"and a Heaven in a wild flower
"to hold infinity in the palm of your..."
-(claps) -Harlot's House! -(cheering)
-Finish one, for fuck's sake. -"'Twas brillig,
-and the slithy toves..." -(laughter)
"...did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
-"All... -MAN: Mimsy!
"...mimsy were the borogoves,
-"And it was a spring day!" -(cheering, laughter)
"It was a day for a lay
and the air smelled like a locker room..."
"Hickory, dickory, dock, the mouse ran up the clock.
-The clock struck 1:00, and down he run." -(rhythmic clapping)
-"There was a young man from Bonaire, -CROWD (in unison): Hey!
-"who was screwing his wife on the stair, -Hey!
"and the banister broke, he doubled his stroke,
-and finished her off in mid-air." -(cheering)
Now give me a drink, you son of a bitch.
We got to meet this guy.
Are you kidding? You don't go near that
without a net and a tranquilizer gun.
It'll be fine. We tell him we want to buy some art.
To show him we're serious.
Oh, well, I didn't know you were going to bring the painting.
That's a completely different story.
Excuse me, Mr. Howell.
I'm Miriam Maisel, and this is Benjamin Ettenberg.
He's a very big admirer of your work.
-Extraordinary. -What?
Your face, the color, it's like...
cream, or is it milk?
It's some kind of... magical dairy product.
I don't know.
I've been trying to find a color like that for years.
It's like Vermeer painted you or you swallowed a light bulb.
It's the latter. Did I mention that this is Benjamin Ettenberg?
And he's extremely interested in buying one of your paintings.
It's all he talks about. He's desperate.
And he's a doctor, so he's got cash.
We really need to discuss the art of haggling someday.
-What's that? -What?
That, in your arms.
Oh, Benjamin took me to the Solomon Crespi show tonight,
and I bought this.
You bought that at the Crespi show?
Yes. Well, no, not at the show. In the backroom of the show.
It's not his. It's, uh, Agnes Reynolds'.
It's Agnes Reynolds'.
It came with a hat.
-All right. -All right, what?
You want to buy something?
Come to my studio tomorrow.
Long as you bring her.
MIDGE: We did it.
We got you in. You're gonna buy a Declan--
-What's his name? -Howell.
A Declan Howell. So exciting.
Hey, we both bought a painting today.
-I'm not going. -What are you talking about?
He's clearly only interested in you.
He thinks I eat light bulbs and drink fairy milk.
If I don't take you, he's not going to let me in,
and I am not putting you in that kind of situation.
Oh, come on.
I know how to handle guys like that.
I work comedy clubs, remember?
Declan Powell would be the best-behaved audience member
-at a comedy club. -Howell.
Him, too.
Trust me, I know how to handle drunk, handsy guys.
There's no part of this body that hasn't been groped
or poked or pinched or patted.
-Lovely. -Ooh, yeah.
Last week, this club owner kept dropping his pen.
He'd crawl around on the ground looking for it.
Somehow, every time, he found it right underneath my skirt.
-That is a fantastic story. -You learn how to deal with it.
Keep your thighs locked, keep your arms crossed.
A well-timed "What's that?"
never fails to defuse an incoming pass.
Chewing is a big lifesaver.
Plus, the real saver
that all those pervs don't know about: girdles.
In a girdle, you can't feel a damn thing.
These guys might as well be groping a parking meter.
So even if one does get through, how the hell would I know...
Okay. I feel much better now.
Great. So, tomorrow, we go get your painting.
Trust me, I take very good care of myself.
I know. But I'd like to volunteer
to share those duties with you, if you don't mind.
You take the night shift?
Deal.
-This is me. -Oh.
So you do have a home.
-BENJAMIN: I do have a home. -It's tall.
-BENJAMIN: I'm tall. -So you kept it proportional.
You okay?
Yes. I am. I just...
-This is... -I know.
I was married.
I'm still married, on paper.
You have very nice windows.
Do you think you two might...?
No.
I just haven't...
with anyone other than...
So there's that.
I just want you to know that I'm actually very good at it.
I can do it like gangbusters-- anywhere, anytime, vertically.
You do not need to worry. I'm like a pro.
But, you know, not a moneymaking pro, just a real gamer.
In case you were concerned.
That is a great relief, thank you.
-You don't have to come up. -I know.
-And if you do come up, we don't have to... -I know.
We can just have a drink; I could show you some paintings.
I already had a drink, and I already saw some paintings.
I've never seen a hallway with a bench in it before, though.
It is pretty spectacular.
Though "spectacular" takes on a much different meaning
once a person's met you.
You are spectacular.
I know.
JOEL: It was a great party, wasn't it?
Did you see all those people?
-I did. -Who were they?
-I think they work for you. -For me? Doing what?
I was going to head home.
I have to take my sister to the podiatrist in the morning.
-Mrs. Moskowitz, have a drink. -I hate leaving him like this.
Today, I bought a building.
A whole goddamn building.
Went to a bank, signed the thing.
That story gets better every time you tell it.
-Is everybody gone? -Everybody but them.
Go on, Mrs. Moskowitz.
-I'll deal with them. -Are you sure?
There's a lot of sharp angles there.
-I'll be fine. -You're a good friend.
Put a trash can by the bed.
(bottles clink)
If you're going to be that available,
you should consider putting a doorbell on your blouse.
What's she getting at?
-VELMA: Beats me. -It's getting late, ladies.
-ARCHIE: Who belongs to this? -VELMA: Me.
Great. Here you go. For your cab.
Next.
Jersey.
JOEL: Why is it so quiet here?
We need some music.
Mrs. Moskowitz, turn on the radio.
-Mrs. Moskowitz? -She went home, Joel.
Home? She's got a home?
-Of course she does. -Really?
But she's always here. Whoa!
Okay. Time to put you down.
Nope! Not time.
-I want to dance. -(both chuckle)
-Hi. -Hi.
-She looks nice. -Mm-hmm.
Think she's Jewish?
(grunts) I do not think she's Jewish.
Hey. My foot feels different.
-I took off your shoe. -You did? Neat.
(grunts) Why don't you call it a day, huh?
What does that mean, "call it a day"?
What else would you call a day?
Why do they keep coming up with things to confuse us?
Beats the hell out of me. Okay.
-So, for the, uh... -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I want to do a toast. -ARCHIE: Joel.
One more toast.
To Archie Cleary.
To your baby.
Baby number three. Congratulations.
Thank you.
You did it.
You got the American Dream.
Wife, family-- you got it all.
And you knew how to keep it.
That's the secret.
Any schmuck can get it. You knew how to keep it.
Family's very important.
You have to hold on to a family.
One year. One year.
(sighs)
Mistake. Big fucking mistake.
-Just go to sleep. -It's my anniversary.
One year since I...
(exhales)
I just want to be forgiven.
Can't I be forgiven?
I want to be forgiven.
Mascara, blink, blot, spritz, done.
-Time. -Whoa. -Five minutes, 35 seconds.
That's ten seconds off my record.
Let me see. Still perfect, though.
GINGER: Midge, Midge, come, you have to come.
-Where? -There's a call for you at the switchboard.
I tried to tell them you didn't work there anymore,
but he wouldn't listen; he is just crazy
to talk to you, right now, bitch.
Sorry. That's what he kept saying over and over.
"Right now, bitch." Sorry.
-And then he got angry. -Oh, boy.
He wasn't even talking to me, he was talking to Loula.
I heard him through her headset. I swear to God, I've never--
Oh, my God, this is the makeup counter.
-I'm actually here. -(elevator bell dings)
Smells so good. Look at the light.
-Come on, Ginger. -And the windows. You have flowers.
-No one ever talked about the flowers. -(bell chiming over P.A.)
Do you hear that? Is that singing?
-It sounds like angels singing. -(woman speaking over P.A.)
(busy chatter)
LOULA: Why would you say that? I did too finish high school.
-Loula, let me take it. -Hold on.
Midge, if you are dating this guy,
you have got to break it off.
-He's a monster. -Believe me, I know.
Hello?
Tell the genius who answered the phone
she could've just hung up on me if she wasn't so stupid.
Is there a reason you are
psychologically scarring my coworkers?
Phil Massarino, East Coast booker we talked about?
-He wants to see you. -Great. When?
Gaslight, October 12th. Block that night out.
-He likes you, we are off and running. -I can't.
-You can. -It's Yom Kippur.
-Who gives a shit? -Susie. Yom Kippur.
High holidays. Break-fast. Temple. Family. Guilt.
There are gentile bookers
who are gonna want to see you on Yom Kippur.
-There are? -Well, there's one, and he does.
-Any other night. -God understands show business.
-He invented it. -Susie...
October fucking 12th.
-Okay. Put me on late. -10:30.
-Fine. -Unless he says 8:00.
-10:30. -Happy New Year.
(smacks lips)
That one, that one, that one-- hold it.
-Not that one. That one. -Lady, they're livers.
You're gonna grind them up, for Christ's sake.
-It just... it all ta... -(door bell jingles)
-Sorry. -Where was I?
Sorry I'm late. Where are we? Livers?
Livers. Mm, that's enough of the livers.
I need a leg of lamb.
-Eight pounds. -Lamb?
I'm making brisket, and Moishe doesn't like lamb, remember?
-We should get a chicken. -The lamb isn't for Moishe.
-It's not. -I had a little run-in--
totally by accident-- with Rabbi Krinsky.
-No. -He happened to be at the dry cleaners
exactly when I just happened to be at the dry cleaners...
-No. -...and we got to chatting,
and after a little sweet talk, a little flattery--
-I mean, he's lost so much weight. -Really?
No. Anyhow, one thing led to another,
and I mentioned the whole family was gathering for break-fast
and how we'd love to make it up to him for last year, so...
-We got the rabbi? -We got the rabbi.
-Now, it's just a quick stop-by,
but you and I both know
the rabbi cannot resist a good leg of lamb.
So, if the leg is good, a stop-by becomes dinner.
If a stop-by becomes dinner,
then the disaster of last year never happened.
-Kind of happened. -Never happened.
-Mostly happened. -It's very loud in here.
Lutzi, get us a good leg.
-A great leg. -MIDGE: The best leg.
Delivery tomorrow after 2:00?
You got it, Mrs. Weissman.
So, shall we go order the wine?
-Let's go order the wine. -Yes.
BOTH: We got the rabbi!
Oh, we said that so loud.
TESSIE: Onion dip.
-Potato chips. -Over here. -Okay, can we start?
I can find some plates.
-Tess. -Just some little plates.
-Pass the chips. -I'm not done with them yet.
-Just pass them down. -This isn't your house, Skint.
-It's not yours, either. -It's my mother's.
It's Tessie's mother, too.
And Tessie's the one over here all the time
making sure that that old boozehound mother of yours
hasn't vomited herself, so give me the fucking chips.
-Here's your goddamn chips. -What's up your ass?
I found the plates. Who needs iced tea?
Let's just get started, please.
The reason I asked you all to come here today
was to discuss something.
I'm starting a business.
-Whorehouse? -(laughs) Whorehouse. That's funny.
-Hey. -I'm starting a fucking business,
and I'm gonna-- Tessie, where are you going?
I thought I'd get that iced tea.
We're having a family meeting.
You know I can't understand things.
The whole family has to agree.
Skint agrees, I'll agree.
Skint is not family. He's barely human.
-Not true. -Tess, please, sit.
-Thank you. Anyhow... -How's the dip?
Tess, focus for five minutes here; it's important.
You know I would never call a family meeting
if it weren't important; last thing I want to do
is put us all in the same room if I didn't absolutely have to.
But I am starting a business,
and to do that, I need some money.
I'm not loaning you a fucking cent.
Really, Artie? I'm shocked.
Absolutely stunned that you, the last of the big-time scumbags,
would not loan his sister some money.
-I don't know you're my sister. -Ah, fuck.
-You don't look like me. -We look exactly-- fuck it.
Never mind. I'm not asking you for money, you bottom-feeder.
You don't have any anyway.
You are the saddest, brokest motherfucker in the world,
and I'm fucking ashamed to be related to you.
You don't know you're related to me.
I'm your fucking sister, you giant piece of shit.
-Can you pass the dip? -Tess, down!
(chips crunching)
I think we should sell that land that Grandma left to us.
-What? -No.
I thought we were gonna build a family home there.
Grandma was the one with that delusional vision.
No one wants to live together,
and no one wants to live in Vermont.
That-that land is just sitting there, doing nothing.
Costing us property taxes every year.
Let's sell it, split the money.
-I know we could all use it. -Skint and I are doing fine.
Your husband has a wooden leg that doesn't fit.
That's why he's such a dick all the time.
You know how you get a wooden leg
that doesn't fit to fit? Money.
Hey, who the fuck are you to march in here
-and start giving orders? -What orders?
"Tessie, sit. Tessie, down. Don't get iced tea."
I am not such a dick all the time.
All the time, 24 hours a day, such a dick.
I just want everyone to be happy.
Nobody's happy, Tess.
I'm not happy, you're not happy, these assholes aren't happy.
Happy has skipped this house altogether.
I can't sit here and listen to this without a beer.
I can't have beer in the house. Mom will drink it.
I can listen to this, or I can not have a beer.
I can't do both.
Mom will pour it on her breakfast cereal.
She'll wash her hair with it, brush her teeth with it.
-We can't have beer in the house! -I'm going to the bar.
I'm going to the bar, too.
I'll take that tea now.
MIDGE: Hello? Mr. Howell?
BENJAMIN: Let me go in first.
Well, from the looks of this place, he is extremely stable.
Look at all these paintings.
BENJAMIN: Hello? Mr. Howell?
DECLAN: Come in!
Come in. Come... Come in.
-You're bleeding. -I am.
Thank you for noticing.
Do you want me to take a look at it? I am a doctor.
Uh, no, thank you, Doctor.
Um... wine?
It's a bit early in the day, I think, for a real drink.
So, remind me, who are you?
Oh, sorry. We met last night.
No, I know who you are. Who's he?
-Uh, I'm... -Boyfriend.
This is my boyfriend.
-BENJAMIN: And a collector. -He does both.
The collecting and the boyfriending.
You said you were selling some pieces and we should come by.
Did I?
I'm quite the scamp.
One day closer to death.
Your studio is quite impressive. Mind if I take a look around?
Quickly. I need to work.
Wow. These are very good.
-This one, how much? -Not for sale.
Oh, okay.
This is terrific. How much?
Not for sale.
What about this? How much?
-Not for sale. -I wasn't holding anything.
Well, aren't you the clever dick.
What exactly is for sale?
My soul.
-How much? -Okay. We should get going now.
I just need to check in at the hospital first.
-Do you have a phone? -I don't have a sink.
Fine. I'll go phone from the coffee shop across the street.
-Bring me back a sandwich? -Absolutely.
-Midge. -Why don't I wait here for you?
-What? -I'd like to...
look around a little more, if Mr. Howell doesn't mind.
Oh, God, I do love the way you say that.
(quietly): I am not going to leave you here.
(mouthing)
(whispers): You are insane.
-(door opens) -Well, you two found each other.
(door slams)
I don't understand why you won't sell him a painting.
He'd appreciate it. He'd look at it at least.
Do you even look at any of these?
The Allies have landed.
Well, good for them.
I think your paper is a little old.
It's time for a proper drink. Join me.
Who did that to your face?
The landlord's wife. Then the landlord.
I don't think much of your doctor.
It's a good thing you're not the one dating him.
Is there anything I can do to seduce you away from him?
If you only had a phone.
Touché.
Fine. Stay with him.
Tell me about the painting.
What painting?
Painting you were holding at the bar.
-How did you...? -Agnes Reynolds was the artist's name, I think.
I can't believe it.
-It came with a cat. -Came with a hat.
Ah, that's much better than a cat.
I thought you were blind drunk.
I'm never quite as drunk as people think I am.
Well, I don't know what to tell you.
I don't know anything about art.
No one knows anything about art. Why'd you buy it?
I don't know.
It's been a while since I'd gone shopping.
I walked in that sad little room,
in the back-- the one nobody seemed to care about--
and everywhere I looked, there was color and life.
Something the front room was a little short of.
And then suddenly she caught my eye.
I thought, "I know her. She has a secret.
She knows a joke that I don't."
I thought, "Maybe if I take her home, she'll tell me the joke."
And that made me smile.
(stubs out cigarette)
All right.
Secret door.
Like Houdini.
MIDGE: This isn't where you store the bodies
of the people who try to buy your paintings, is it?
This is the painting.
I've heard the stories. (chuckles)
So tell me...
does it make you smile?
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I mean, it's so different from...
My other work.
Yes. No.
I mean, your other work is wonderful.
Probably wards off vampires, but this one...
This one is perfect.
But I don't understand.
Why would you keep it locked away in here?
I mean, why don't you sell it?
Sell it?
Sell the greatest thing I'm ever gonna do in my lifetime?
Stick it in a gallery and a doctor'd bring it home.
A museum, then.
Oh, yeah, what, next to the mummies?
People should see this.
No, I painted this for me.
This was gonna hang in my home.
When I had a home.
And a family, when I had that life.
This was... this was gonna go there.
But that was then.
And this is now.
I will never have that life.
-Now, wait... -I'm not trying to spin a melodrama.
I'm being very realistic.
The chance for that life is gone.
That's ridiculous.
It'll never happen because... everything I have,
I put into that.
Nothing left.
-I think that's very sad. -Well, that's the way it is.
If you... if you want to do something great...
you want to take something as far as it'll go...
...you can't have everything.
You lose... family.
Sense of home.
But then... look at what exists.
Are you sure I can't get you to sleep with me?
Nope.
Even after I told you my sad, lonely story?
I mean, my God, that was my very best line.
-(door opens in distance) -BENJAMIN: Hello?
-(door closes) -Miriam? Where are you?
The doctor sounds panicked.
I should go.
Miriam?
You never saw this.
That's too bad.
Miriam?
Tell him to pick out any painting he wants.
Leave a check on the table.
But don't tell me where he lives,
or I'll come back and get it.
(ship horn blows in distance)
-Where did this come from? -I always hide a few for you.
Thanks.
Mmm.
-How's Mom? -Asleep.
-Are you sure? -I put the mirror under her nose.
Yeah, well, you have to after last time.
(laughs): I know.
(laughs): Five seconds away from burying her alive.
She was so mad. (laughs)
You ever notice that, in every one of these pictures,
I'm standing three feet away from the rest of the family,
and you're crying?
Well, I suppose every family thinks they're the worst.
Yeah, but ours has photographic proof.
TESS: Stand-up comedy?
Who knows from stand-up comedy?
You do remember I've been working in a club
-for 16 years, right? -Yeah, but I thought
that was, like, singers, jugglers, dog acts,
that sort of stuff. Stand-up comedy?
(chuckles) I'll be damned.
This girl, she's amazing.
I have a whole plan set up for her.
I mean, it's all there. I just need a little money.
Why? Do you have to pay the clubs or something?
No, but we have to get to the clubs.
We have to tour.
I need a car; you can't tour without a car.
Well, doesn't your comic friend have a car?
No. She's got, like, 40,000 hats but no car.
Geez. Dilemma.
-How are you doing? -Oh, you know, terrible.
The house is falling apart. Skint leaves his leg everywhere.
Mom could find booze in a nunnery.
Literally, she broke into a nunnery last week.
I did start flirting with the delivery boy
from the grocery, though; he's got a wooden leg, too.
-Well, you have a type. -I do. Huh.
You think there's any chance Leopold and Loeb
are gonna agree to let me sell that land?
-Nope. -Yeah.
Shit.
-What's this? -Keys to Mom's car.
There's no way Mom's gonna let me drive her car.
When she took me to school, I walked,
and she drove alongside me.
I'll tell her it was stolen, by a nun.
You sure?
The highlight of my day
is thinking up different ways to kill my husband.
One of us needs a win.
Thanks, sis.
-Beat him to death with his leg? -I'll put it on the list.
(crowd singing in Hebrew)
(singing continues)
-I'm starving. -Don't think about it.
I've been thinking about it since dinner yesterday.
-Shh. -We've been without food for 24 hours.
Some people never have anything but bread soaked in water.
Oh, that sounds delicious.
(singing ends)
For the sin which we committed before you...
I noticed your kid's been stuffing candy bars
in his face the entire ceremony.
-Moishe. -His face is covered in chocolate.
He looks like Al Jolson.
Be quiet. We are in temple.
That's right, and everyone can see that we're talking,
because these seats are fabulous.
-If only they were edible. -Did you see Mara Weinstock?
-Six rows back. -RABBI: For the sin
which we have committed before you...
-...committed before you... -That's Catholic, Astrid.
I just don't understand why he gets to eat.
I don't understand why you get to sit.
The elder can sit, rabbi said.
We are the same age, and I'm standing.
Well, good for you. You get to be king of the Jews.
How'd that work out for the last guy?
And for the sin which we have committed before you
by a gathering of lewdness.
Has anyone ever had her diagnosed?
She's the only one actually praying here.
ETHAN: More chocolate, please.
Try aiming for your mouth, kid.
That's his third candy bar, in case you weren't counting.
He's four. A four-year-old shouldn't have to fast.
Not till he's bar mitzvah'd.
When I was a boy, I fasted. And you know why I fasted?
Because we had nothing!
Every day was Yom Kippur.
Moishe, please. I'm atoning.
For the things I'd like to do to that man,
-I apologize. -That's right, sweetheart,
let it out.
For the sin which we have committed before you,
-by false denial and lying. -And for the sin which we...
Shirley, your mother is tipping over again.
Oh, it's okay, I tied her to the bench.
And for the sin which we have committed before you
by eating and drinking.
For the sin which we committed before you
by embezzlement.
And for the sins which we incur the penalty of the four forms
of capital punishment, executed by the Court:
stoning, burning, decapitation and strangulation.
RABBI and ASTRID: For all these sins, O God of forgiveness,
forgive us, pardon us, and grant us atonement.
(singing in Hebrew)
(crowd singing along)
(Rabbi and Astrid holding note)
(Astrid holds note)
(rabbi speaking Yiddish)
-Here we go. -(horn blows)
(excited chatter)
-I have nuts in my purse. -Over here. I-I'll take some.
-If you have one left... -What?
I won't have one left.
Get in here and fight for your nuts.
-I'm gonna go ahead with Ethan. -Hurry, hurry!
See if I can hose him off before dinner.
Papa, wait, wait.
-I need to talk to you. -Shirley's nuts will be gone.
-I have to leave dinner by 9:00. -What are you talking about?
I have a very big show tonight; it's at the Gaslight,
and it's for a booker, and if I do well,
it could mean more gigs, more money.
-(sighs) -I need you to cover for me.
-Cover for you? It's Yom Kippur. -Hey, you're the one
who wanted me to keep my stand-up career quiet.
Now, does this not have to be a big deal.
I've worked the whole thing out.
Right after dessert, I'll suddenly get a headache.
I'll go lie down, and you propose everybody play a game.
Like "Name that Homicidal Despot"?
Or charades. Gather everyone in the living room,
and say you want to go first, then position yourself right
in front of the fireplace. That way, they'll have to face you
and they'll have their backs to the front door.
That gives me a chance to slip out unnoticed.
Now, earlier, you would've cracked the door open
and put a pair of my shoes outside
so I can tiptoe out barefoot and no one will hear me.
Later, when I get home, I'll make an owl hoot sound,
and you can come downstairs and let me in the service entrance.
-And then we can... -Enough.
I'm not playing charades,
I'm not putting your shoes outside the door,
-or responding to your hooting. -But...
Tell them. Tell them what you're doing.
It's time.
Are you sure?
I am not going to lie for you right after Yom Kippur.
I'm not gonna blow a year's worth of sinning
in the first two hours.
Okay. If you say so.
And not a word about me knowing
about this stand-up thing ahead of time.
-So you want me to lie. -Like a Bible salesman.
You want me to blow a year's worth
of sinning in the first two hours.
Sharp as a tack. Now, do you have any more
of Ethan's chocolate in that purse of yours?
-MOISHE: We forgot Bubbabosia. -SHIRLEY: Thank God we tied her to the bench.
This isn't gonna look good with the guy upstairs.
-Mr. Bussman? Why would he care? -Just go.
God, I would kill for the hole of the bagel right about now!
(phone ringing)
-Susie Myerson's office. -Susie, it's me, it's Midge.
If you're calling to cancel tonight, I swear to God,
I'm gonna have something really big to atone for next year.
I'm not canceling. But I do have to tell you something.
("Cheek to Cheek" playing)
-Twist or olives? -Olives. -Extra olives.
-Lots of olives. -Do we have a little onion...
(speaking Polish)
(women conversing in Polish)
Soak the beans at the end. (speaks Polish)
You do not know American beans?
-Smells delicious, Zelda. -Thank you, Miss Miriam.
-At the end, the end, the end! -I put baby down.
(women continue chattering)
SHIRLEY: These latkes are delicious.
-You changed your dress. -Ethan got chocolate on it.
-Here you go, Pop. -Just put it down.
It's gonna get warm.
Do you control the temperature now?
No, I ju-- forget it.
Drink it, don't drink it.
Thank you for laying out my options so clearly.
-You look nice. -Yeah?
-Do I? Thanks. -You okay?
-Yes. Hungry. -You sure that's it?
♪ Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak... ♪
-Really? -Where are they going?
These gatherings just keep getting weirder.
-Start over. -(groans)
(women continue chattering)
I'm going to tell them about the stand-up.
-Tonight? -Tonight.
Yeah, I don't know if that's one of your better ideas.
It isn't mine, it's Papa's. He's insisting.
You have a room full of unfed Jews in there.
That's a lot of desperation and rage in the air.
-I know. -Right now, they'd kill each other for a garnish.
I have a gig tonight. I have to get out of here.
-He won't cover. -Maybe I can help.
Create a diversion. I can have a stroke. I'm 30.
In the Maisel family, I should've had one by now anyhow.
-(women chattering) -(dishes clinking)
-Happy New Year. -Happy New Year.
That's Ethan's cereal.
Yeah? It's good. Not as good as the candy bar in temple, but...
Just make sure that fucking toy surprise is still in there.
Look how he talks to his father on the holiest of days.
-You heard me. -ZELDA: Two spoonfuls of dressing per plate.
Except Mrs. Weissman, who doesn't eat dressing.
Anyone who puts dressing
on Mrs. Weissman's plate will answer to me.
Okay, let's go. Dinner is ready!
-MIDGE: Wait, Zelda. -Did she say dinner's ready?
It's ready? It's ready. Everyone to the table.
ABE: If I eat one more onion, I'm gonna throw up.
I have to climb over the stool? This is so stressful.
-Just keep moving. -Oh.
Uh, Pop, you left your drink.
(groans) Just worry about yourself like you always do.
-Are the salt shakers on the table? -Hey, a decoder ring!
-You put that back. -Fuck if I will.
-Mama, you dropped a shoe. -What? Did I?
I'm not sitting next to you tonight.
-Oh, lucky me. -ETHAN: I'm not hungry.
-Shh. -What you mean, you're not hungry?
-He had some candy earlier. -He couldn't wait until dinner?
Well, he's four.
-That's little. -Four-year-olds in my village worked.
They made shoes, they herded sheep, they hid guns.
ETHAN: Yom Kippur is scary.
I know, honey. Go to your room, lock the door.
Yes, I would.
-Is that my toy? -Not anymore.
SHIRLEY: Moishe, the flowers. Have you seen the flowers?
My God, the flowers, they almost don't seem real.
-ROSE: They're real. -They don't look real.
-They are real. -They don't look real.
-Well, they are. -Are you sure?
-I'm sure. -Excuse me.
Could I have your attention for a minute?
Stop touching the flowers, Shirley.
I have something I'd like to tell you.
All of you, on this special night.
You're a fucking child.
So this is a holy holiday about atoning for our sins.
And lying, keeping things from the ones you love,
-is a sin, and I have been... -(Zelda speaks Polish)
Ooh, lamb.
Is there something other than lamb?
Don't worry, Moishe, there's brisket.
Oh, I just hope she made those little potatoes.
-I love those little potatoes. -Um, Zelda, would you mind
holding off on the food for a minute?
-What? -ABE: Why?
People are starving, Miriam.
-It's going to get cold. -I promise this'll be quick.
-Give me the box back. -(speaks Polish)
As I was saying, we are family, and families
-should not lie to one another. -Mm-hmm.
Especially about something that could affect everybody someday.
This seems like it's gonna take a while.
I've got some pickles in my purse.
She is so resourceful, really.
I should carry pickles in my purse.
So, as I was saying,
a lot has happened in my life over the last year,
-and though I never really planned it this way... -Who wants a kosher dill?
-Ooh, kosher dill. -Over here, right over here.
ASTRID: I'll have a bite of Noah's.
-Have your own, Astrid. -No, only if there's extra.
Astrid, take a fucking pickle.
This last year has been very challenging for me.
And I found it leading me in new directions.
Unexpected directions.
-Really unexpected. -(snoring)
ROSE: Shirley, you forgot your mother.
-Oh, I did. Oh, Moishe. -I'm going, I'm going.
Um, anyhow. Uh, about my life.
-Pass the pickles. -Papa.
Well, this is taking a very long time.
There we go. Right over here.
Zelda, you can bring the food now.
-Mama, I'm talking. -Aren't you done?
I haven't started. Zelda, not yet.
Anyhow, so, this last year has been very challenging for me,
-and... -(doorbell rings)
(Zelda speaks Polish)
Hi. I was, uh, summoned.
-Susie, come in. -Uh, I think she's waiting
-for my papers or something. -Uh, just get in here.
SHIRLEY: Okay, pass the pickles down.
MIDGE: Please, take a seat.
Mm. Comfortable chairs.
I invited Susie to be here tonight with us,
to bear witness to what I am about to say.
-What happened to Zelda? -What?
Zelda. Usually answers the door.
How do you know what Zelda usually does? Who are you?
-She's my friend. -Yeah. Hi, Abe.
Very good. Deducing that I am Abe, Miriam's father.
Hello, person I've never met before.
Nice to see you for the very first time.
Okay, so clearly I missed a pretty hefty cocktail hour.
All right. Everyone, please just let me say what I need to say.
-Not now, Zelda. -(Zelda speaks Polish)
I'm sure you've all noticed that I've been acting
differently lately, staying out at night a lot.
How would we know you're staying out at night?
There is a reason for this, and the reason is
I am pursuing a career in stand-up comedy.
-You what?! -ROSE: Abe.
ABE: This is outrageous.
How could you do this, Miriam?
What a secret to keep from your father.
Rose, did you know this?
-Of course I didn't know this. -(doorbell rings)
-I don't understand. -You don't understand?
What do you mean, a career in stand-up comedy?
(door opens)
Hello. I'm Rabbi Krinsky.
Come on in, Rabbi. Grab a seat.
-We're gonna be here a while. -Gut Yontiv, Rabbi.
I've been working clubs all over New York for months now.
I'm getting pretty good.
In fact, I have to leave early tonight,
because I've got a gig. That's what we call it: a gig.
A booker is coming to see me, and if I do well,
I'll get jobs in more clubs, clubs outside of New York.
You were a plumber at Steiner's.
You came to fix our sink, and when you left, it was worse.
-She's not a plumber, Mama. -I should say not.
-That sink was not fixable. -She's my manager.
-Her manager for what? -For my stand-up.
-I can't believe you lied to us. -SUSIE: I was under
the impression there would be food at this thing.
I know it's a shock. It was a shock to me, too,
but I've seen her onstage, and she's good.
I think she could be really successful.
-As what? -As a stand-up.
But how did you meet the plumber?
She's-- Just try to stay with me.
-Who stays with the children? -A lot of people.
Well, why haven't you ever called me?
Is this why you've been in such a rotten mood lately?
What's wrong with me?
My mood has nothing to do with this.
I just found out about this.
My mood has been caused by something
and someone else entirely.
-I see. Meaning me. -My mood has been turned rotten
by finding out my son is a government spook.
A fed! A killer.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about you being in the CIA.
Who told you?
That day at Bell Labs. Do you think I'm an idiot?
And then Astrid sang like a canary for your mother.
-You did? -Oh, I don't know, maybe.
I had been fasting and I was weak and-- oh.
Why am I always starving?
Why is your manager a plumber?
I don't see how those two skill sets interact.
Everyone, let's just calm down.
I-I didn't mean to start a whole thing.
This is not what I wanted.
Not everything in the world is about you, Midge.
Except this, which is literally all about me.
All right, let's put aside the fact that your manager's
a plumber for a second. Does Benjamin know?
-What? -Who?
Benjamin? Who's Benjamin? You never told me about a Benjamin.
Is this the guy you were hanging out with in the Catskills?
-Benjamin is not important. -I just want to know how he feels about it.
Is it gonna affect your relationship?
-You have a relationship? -SUSIE: This is not the best time
-to start a relationship. -Yeah. You're just starting a career.
-We're gonna be touring. -Touring. Yes.
You can't have a relationship when you're touring.
Does Benjamin know this, about the touring?
You have to go where the work is.
That's right. Listen to your husband.
Maybe I should be going.
I have another house to stop by.
-Tell a joke. -What?
Tell a joke, one joke.
Well, I don't really do jokes.
Said you're going to be a comic.
Seems you should tell some jokes.
Well, she's more of a stream of conscious kind of comic.
Yeah. Observational humor.
I have no idea what observational humor is.
-You say you have a show tonight, right? -Right.
-What are you gonna talk about? -Well, I was gonna...
talk about things.
Things. Sounds hilarious.
I was gonna talk about personal things.
Marriage, dating, maybe.
I do a bit about secretaries and their giant...
Um, old bit, bad bit, retired bit.
Oh, I do a thing about Ethan getting bullied at the park.
Sounds terrible. When did that happen?
-It was a long time ago. -And you make jokes about it?
Well, I heighten it, you know,
pretend I'm telling him to fight back.
"Mama didn't raise no pussies."
-What does that mean? -What park was that?
No, I'm giving you an example of one of my jokes.
Miriam, you're a great-looking girl, but I have to tell you,
that joke was the pits. Can you sing?
-Pop. -I'm just saying,
a comedian has to be funny.
Otherwise, they'd be called Abe.
Nothing is funny when you've been lied to.
NOAH: You don't even know what you're mad at.
I have been working all my day cooking this meal,
and it is just sitting there turning to nothing!
-I know that I'm mad at you! -For no reason! -(clamoring)
-Zelda, bring the food in. -...knowing she was funny?
-If you took one minute to think about... -You don't tell us?
-Everyone, shut up! -(clamoring stops)
I'm pregnant!
I was just waiting until the right moment to tell you.
(giggles)
Congratulations.
(quietly): Thank you.
Okay. Party's over, pal.
You two, this is not where you want to conceive your kid.
Trust me.
Time to go. Come on, pal.
-I'm waiting for the next show. -It's your lucky day.
The next show is right outside.
Yeah, keep walking.
Keep moving, keep moving.
Well, that was a great set.
Felt like cheating.
All I did was reenact break-fast word for word.
Who cares? That fucking gentile pissed himself, which normally
would revolt the shit out of me, but not this time.
-He loved me. -He fucking loved you.
-You know what this is? -Scotch I can't afford?
-This is our anniversary. -Hmm. Don't get sappy.
One year ago, on Yom Kippur,
I gave my first performance, got arrested.
I met Lenny.
You bailed me out.
One year ago, my husband walked out
and my whole life fell apart.
Yay.
My old life ended and my new life began.
Everyone's out. I'm going home.
You were on fire tonight, Midge.
Thanks, Jackie.
So what do we do now?
So now I start setting up a tour,
get us on the road, and we start making some money.
You really think I'm gonna be big?
I think you're gonna be
a massive pain in my ass very, very soon.
I want to be big.
I want to be the biggest thing out there.
Tits up?
-Tits up. -(glasses clink)
("Opportunities" by Pet Shop Boys playing)
♪ I've got the brains, you've got the looks ♪
♪ Let's make lots of money ♪
♪ You've got the brawn, I've got the brains ♪
♪ Let's make lots of ♪
♪ I've had enough of scheming and messing around with jerks ♪
♪ My car is parked outside, I'm afraid it doesn't work ♪
♪ I'm looking for a partner, someone who gets things fixed ♪
♪ Ask yourself this question: do you want to be rich? ♪
♪ I've got the brains, you've got the looks ♪
♪ Let's make lots of money ♪
♪ You've got the brawn, I've got the brains ♪
♪ Let's make lots of money ♪
♪ You can tell I'm educated, I studied at the Sorbonne ♪
♪ Doctored in mathematics, I could have been a don ♪
♪ I can program a computer, choose the perfect time ♪
♪ If you've got the inclination ♪
♪ I have got the crime ♪
♪ Oh, there's a lot of opportunities ♪
♪ If you know when to take them ♪
♪ You know, there's a lot of opportunities ♪
♪ If there aren't, you can make them ♪
♪ Make or break them ♪
♪ I've got the brains, you've got the looks ♪
♪ Let's make lots of money ♪
♪ Let's make lots of ♪
♪ Money. ♪