(children shouting in distance)
MIDGE: Morning. I'm so happy
you agreed to stay here while my parents are gone.
I really believe if Harry Drake's goons
can't find you, they may just forget about you.
Anyhow, some rules you need to follow.
Rule number one: no eating in the living room.
Rule number two: touch nothing pink.
Rule number three...
Rule number 38: do not touch Papa's robe.
(sighs)
(water running)
(playing classical music)
(repeats phrase)
(playing single note repeatedly)
(pitch adjusting)
REDD FOXX: In the third place, ain't nobody can eat
-that much ice cream. -(laughs)
(crying)
(indistinct chatter over TV)
Shit.
Eighteen and a half.
Such a tiny fucking thigh.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
-I will connect you. -Hey.
-Oh, do you read? -Occasionally.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
-I will connect you. -So, I'm looking through
the Village Voice, just perusing the headlines,
and look what I see.
Well, you need to turn it toward me
-so I can... -"Susie Myerson, the manager
"of the underground phenom comedienne Mrs. Maisel,
says she's gonna be bigger than Totie Fields."
-Wait, what are you read... Ah, shoot. -(gasps)
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
Isn't that crazy? Mrs. Maisel?
-I mean, you're Mrs. Maisel. -Hold, please.
-Can I...? -This comedian has the same name as you.
B. Altman. Where... Oh, sorry. I thought I did.
-I will connect you. -The world is so small.
I feel like I should be able to subway to China.
-Do you know her? -I don't think so.
-Is there a picture? -No picture.
You could be related. She could be your cousin.
Or your mother. Is your mother a comedienne?
-(laughs): Wouldn't that be a scandal? -Hmm.
Oops. I guess all those flashing lights are for me.
B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
-Ginger! -Here.
I will connect you.
GINGER: B. Altman. Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.
-(door closes) -Zelda?
-(footfalls approaching) -I ate the strudel, and it was awesome.
Who are you?
-I... -What are you doing here?
-I... -Why are you in the bathtub?
Wait, I know this one.
I don't know you. You don't live here.
-Are you a burglar? -Uh...
Did you break in here to steal jewelry
and then decide it would be funny to take a bath?
You look like Zelda but younger. Are you Zelda but younger?
No, I'm not. I'm an actual friend
of the people who live here, and I am going to call the cops
if you don't tell me who you are and what you are doing
-in this apartment. -I know...
the short... brunette...
Midge? You're a friend of Midge?
I know all her friends, and I have never seen you before ever.
Where do you know Midge from? Where?
-The club. -What club?
-The... -Do not mumble.
The Gaslight.
The downtown dumpy, sticky place?
That still does not explain why you are here in that bathtub,
which is way too full of bubbles, by the way.
You don't need to use the entire bottle.
That's just overkill!
I'm sorry. I'm having a little trouble
focusing here right now.
(chuckles): I'm very high,
and there's just a lot of words
coming from a little, yellow light source,
-and it's freaking me out. -(door closes)
It feels like a flower's yelling at me.
IMOGENE: Midge.
-Thank God. -Imogene, what are you doing here?
Who is this thing in your bathtub?
Oh, th-that's, uh...
Why don't we go in the kitchen? I'll explain everything.
You stay there.
Where the fuck am I gonna go?
-What are you doing here? -What am I doing here?
-I just mean...
I came to talk to you, and I found that
sitting in the tub like a big potato in a soup pot.
Her name is Susie,
and her apartment is getting fumigated.
She says she knows you from the club.
Yes. When Joel would play there.
Uh, maybe we could talk about this later.
I haven't heard word one from you in weeks,
and now you're trying to get me to leave?
You were in Iowa for the holidays.
Joel quit his job. Did you know that?
-What? -Right in the middle of their big presentation.
He just walked in with all the top brass sitting there
and the fancy chart that I helped Archie make, and he quit.
-Oh. -Why didn't you call to warn me?
Well, you were in Iowa.
Stop using Iowa as an excuse for everything.
My family may be dairy farmers, but they have a phone.
I didn't know that he was going to quit.
How could you not know? I thought
you were getting back together.
Who told you we were getting back together?
-Archie. -Who told Archie?
-Joel. -Oh.
Well, I-I've been in Paris, so I'm a little behind.
-Paris? You were in Paris? -Yes.
Why didn't you tell me you were going to Paris?
-When did we stop being friends? -We're friends, Imogene.
If we were friends, I would be the one
-taking a bath in your tub. -You have a tub.
The point is I don't know anything anymore.
-I don't know you anymore. -You do.
You were in Paris. That's in France.
You didn't tell me you were getting back together with Joel.
-Archie did. -I didn't get back together with...
It doesn't matter if it's true. You should've told me.
Just like you should've told me that Joel was going to quit.
-I didn't... -What am I supposed to do now?
With Joel gone, Archie's a sitting duck.
He was Joel's right-hand man.
What if they retaliate for what Joel did?
They're not the mob, Imogene.
I'm sorry I've been distant.
And I am sorry about Joel.
And believe me, Archie is going to be okay.
-How do you know? -I'm brilliant.
Look, I should get back to Susie,
but I will see you tomorrow in exercise class?
-You're coming? -I'm coming.
-You haven't been in weeks. -I'll be there tomorrow.
I was alone in the front.
I had no one to feel superior with.
-Alone I just felt like a snob. -Tomorrow.
-I promise. -Okay.
And by the way, it looks like your new friend
used Rose's pink soap.
No one uses Rose's pink soap.
Enjoying your bath?
Immensely.
Just laying here, soaking.
My brain's gone bye-bye. Everything was perfect
until the vanilla muffin waltzed in here
-and killed my buzz. -What did you tell her?
-Who? -The muffin.
Oh. I don't know.
-You mentioned the Gaslight. -No.
I'm pretty sure I didn't mention the Gaslight.
You definitely mentioned the Gaslight
because she mentioned the Gaslight.
-She did? -I have to know what you're saying.
To my friends. To the press.
I know about that interview you gave to the Village Voice.
You didn't even ask me about it before you did it.
You just went ahead and-- Do not add more hot water.
-So bossy. -Get out of the tub.
What? Why?
Because I need to talk to you.
Fine.
-Well, go wait in the hall. -Why?
What do you mean, why? I've measured myself.
There's no way I'm gonna be fucking naked in front of you.
You can't just go around talking to the press without telling me.
Susie, that paper was just sitting there. At my work.
If Ginger wasn't so Ginger, she would've figured it out.
-What? -You have to tell me
-what you're saying about me before you say it. -Why?
-What do you mean, why? -I am your manager.
It is literally my job to talk about you.
Yes. To club owners, to bookers at the Stage Deli.
But this was in print. Anyone could read it.
Thank God there wasn't a picture.
Ooh, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.
-We got to take some pictures. -No.
Look, press is part of the game, lady.
You want to know what that little paragraph
-in the paper got us? -What?
A gig. A real gig.
A paying gig. No passing the hat.
A club with booze and everything.
Midtown? A midtown gig?
-Almost. 15th Street. -Wow.
-Midway to midtown. -That's right.
We are midway to midtown. Isn't it great?
It is. But, Susie, promise, just check with me
before you give any more interviews, please.
-Why? -Because I haven't told anyone yet.
What do you mean you haven't told anyone yet?
Your fucking husband was standing right there.
I know, but I haven't told my friends or my parents.
How have you not told your parents?
Don't you live with these people?
Where do they think you go every night?
-Out. -Every night?
-I'm very popular. -Okay.
I mean this with all due respect.
Your parents are fucking idiots.
-I'm gonna tell them. -When?
-Soon. -What are you waiting for?
I thought you made this decision already.
-I thought you wanted to go for it. -I do.
This is bullshit.
Aw, Zelda made me a sandwich.
That's sweet.
Do you want to be successful?
Of course I want to be successful.
Being successful means that people come to see you,
and when people come to see you, you become--
what they call in the biz-- famous.
-Yeah. I know. -Most people who go on stage
want to be famous 'cause it means
they get to play better theaters.
They get better gigs. They go on TV.
They go to Morocco with Bob and Bing.
And here's the best part: they give you more money.
Now, that's actually the part that I find the most appealing.
Money is my main goal.
I don't have any, and I'd like some.
I want to be famous. I want money.
I want to go to Morocco with Bob and Bing.
And I am gonna tell my parents.
They're just... they're not here right now,
and it's not news I'd like to break long-distance.
So when they come home.
When they come home, I come clean.
-And when's that gonna be? -I don't know.
I swear. I have no idea when my parents are coming back.
You believe i-in fairy tales.
I do not believe in fairy tales. I'm a man of science.
The Bible serves its purpose.
It is basically a moral set of rules.
A-a road map.
Men are not able
to determine right or wrong without a road map.
(overlapping chatter in Russian)
-Let me guess. Freud? -Better. The Bible. (laughs)
-Oh, dear. We'll meet for lunch? -See you there.
Au revoir, messieurs.
-Au revoir. -Au revoir.
Abe, your wife is very, very attractive.
-Elle est très belle. -You lucky man.
The luckiest.
So, where were we?
Oh, yes, Sergei's an idiot.
(laughter)
(overlapping chatter in Russian)
("Coin de rue" by Juliette Gréco playing)
We spent two hours debating moral nihilism
versus mereological or compositional nihilism.
At least, I think that's what we were debating.
I can't be sure.
Either way, it's nihilism, so who cares?
Anyhow, whatever it was,
it got Sergei all steamed up.
He started arguing with Thierry.
Or Rolf. I don't know. It was someone to the left of me.
And the next thing I know, Thierry is crying,
Rolf is singing Brecht, and I'm decrying
America's national cynicism.
And no one would let the other person pay the bill.
It was just a terrific, terrific day.
-Proost. -Proost.
Today my class went to the Rodin Museum.
Rodin, aha.
It's in this glorious building that was his studio
and sort of artists' flophouse at the same time.
It's a museum now. I tell you, Abe,
it took my breath away.
The hands on his sculptures, they're so powerful.
-Massive. -Hands are great.
-What is this? -What does it taste like?
-Rodin loves big hands. Go on. -I can't imagine
how he did it, how he would look at nothing,
a block of marble, and see what he saw.
I'd love to show it to you.
-Absolutely. Is it fish? -Does it taste like fish?
I can't wait to see Rodin's hands.
What do you think, Simone?
What did Mommy make?
("Coin de rue" continues playing)
-Bonne nuit, mon amour. -Bonne nuit, mon amour.
-You're a wonderful man. -You're a terrible cook.
("Artificial Flowers" by Bobby Darin playing)
♪ Alone in the world ♪
♪ Was poor little Anne ♪
♪ As sweet a young child as you'd find ♪
♪ Her parents had gone ♪
♪ To their final reward... ♪
(pressing machine clanking)
-Try it again, Tony. -Back on.
-(machine sputters) -Okay, turn it off.
-How long has this thing been out? -Four or five days?
Why haven't you gotten it fixed?
Jankel, the guy who comes and fixes the machines,
-he only comes on Fridays. -Why?
I don't know. It's only Fridays.
Before 1:00. That's when he goes to temple.
Only on Fridays. Okay.
-Try it again, Tony. -Back on.
(machine whirring)
Well, it's not Gershwin, but it's moving.
You need a new repairman.
Jankel will be here Friday before 1:00.
You need a repairman who comes when things break.
-You can't run things like this. -I can't?
I've only been doing it for 30 years.
What the hell do I know?
You're right. Jankel's gone.
You run a factory. You need machines that work.
Ah, should I have him killed? Firing may not be enough.
He comes one day a week. Not even a full day.
-He leaves at 1:00. -He should skip temple?
You want the man who fixes our machines to make God angry?
-How does that end well for us? -You're getting a new repairman.
No, we're not. And what the fuck did you put
-a coffee machine in for? -People need a coffee break.
The whole place is lining up for free coffee.
-Nobody's working. -Yes, it's a graveyard.
What are you doing here, anyway, huh?
You were supposed to come by for a day, look around,
say hi to everyone, see how things are.
That was two weeks ago.
There's a lot of people to say hi to.
Plus, I hear there's free coffee now.
Manny, not sure you should be smoking there.
I'm by a trash can.
Lots of chemicals and solvents all over the place.
You remember the Triangle Shirtwaist fire?
Like it was yesterday.
Get back to work, Manny.
That's the fourth cigarette break he's taken this morning.
So what? You're so hot for people taking breaks.
People who work. I've never seen him work.
-What does Manny do? -What does he do? Manny does.
That's what Manny does. Manny does.
Frieda, honey, you've been sitting there
for four straight hours.
Get up. Take a break.
You're not chained to the table.
-Are you? -She's not chained to the table.
Go have some coffee.
Oh, look at her go.
-Jesse Owens. -Pop.
What? It'll take her an hour to walk across the room
and an hour to get back.
That's half of her remaining life span.
-Moishe, she won't let me in. -What?
-Come. Come, come, come, come. -Where we going?
-Look, look, I'm locked out. -What's happening?
-Where's he going? Hey. -Go, go. Get him, get him.
-Hey, hey. Get back here. -Come back here.
-Do not close the... -(lock clicks)
Let me guess, it's worse than I thought.
-Oh, much, much worse. -Terrific.
None of these numbers add up. A-And this writing.
At first, I thought it was in Hebrew,
but then I realized parts are in Yiddish.
-(knocking) -And this is ancient Aramaic,
which has been a dead language for 2,000 years.
(stammers) Can you figure out any of the money?
-The figures? -I think it's a numerical system
-that has eliminated the number six. -(keys jingle)
-What? -(lock clicks)
Coming in, schmuck. You lock me out of my own office?
What is she doing with my book?
You think I don't have a key to my own office?
-These books don't make sense. -SHIRLEY: Of course they do.
-What do you want to know? -Well, everything would be nice.
This column is the money we have.
This column is the money we will have
as soon as these people from this column
or that column pay us.
Unless it has a bagel stamp,
which means it's still being negotiated
but we started the work anyway in case it works out.
Three flags, that means the check cleared.
Two flowers, that means a half and half.
-A half and half? -Half check, half cash.
Or half cash, half services.
Or half... something and half something else.
-You have Kaufman and Hart write this bit? -Uh, can I
just ask you-- um, there is a Sunny spelled with a "U"
and a Sonny with an "O" and another with an I-E.
Is that the same Sonny?
Of course it's the same Sonny.
It's Sonny. Sonny from Queens.
-Pop, you need an accountant. -What are you talking about, accountant?
This is a foolproof system that I invented myself.
Completely secure.
Only I can understand it.
I don't know.
I'll have you know that we got audited once.
And when the guy took one look at this book,
we never saw him again.
I paid him off. That's why we never saw him again.
-Pop, this is crazy. -Okay.
Enough. You came, you saw.
Thank you for letting me know that everything I do is wrong
and your mother's accounting system is a piece of shit.
It really is a piece of shit.
I'm serious. You and you, out.
Well, all right. But before we leave,
I found this book
in a secret hiding place in the wall.
No! Put that back. You should not be looking through that.
This is the special loans book.
-Special loans book? -What? -SHIRLEY: That's personal.
Don't tell me you're borrowing money from those guys.
-Once in a while. -I can't believe this.
You see yourself-- the machines break down.
Those machines are expensive.
How else are we supposed to get that kind of cash?
-From a bank? -What are you, a big shot?
Banks don't break your legs or throw you in a river.
I'm seeing amounts here. I'm seeing names.
But I'm not seeing any dates for when the loans are due.
Oh, well, we know when the loans are due.
A couple of guys break in in the middle of the night.
They bust up some chairs and windows.
And that's when we know the loan is due.
-Shirley, stop helping me. -What?
-What did I do wrong? -Nothing, Ma. Relax.
Why don't you go get yourself a cup of coffee.
There's a machine out there now.
There's a coffee machine?
Oh, what a wonderful idea!
Go home.
You know what, Pop, I'm not going home.
I'm staying.
I'm gonna go through those cockamamie books,
and I'm gonna get things in shape around here.
I'm gonna start by firing the low-hanging fruit like Manny.
-Manny's not a fruit. He came to your bar mitzvah. -He's gone.
I'm firing him today. Along with Pete,
who's in the storage room playing cards
with two other guys that I don't know.
They're fired, too.
Every single freeloader around here, gone.
I'm getting them off the payroll.
I'm gonna find a fucking seven-day-a-week repairman.
And once I know this place isn't being run like a mental asylum,
then I'll go home.
SHIRLEY: Oh, this coffee is delicious!
She's got to work on these notes.
Here comes one, with Andy Griffith bringing it in.
-Andy Griffith! -(cheers and applause)
Howdy, Steve. Well...
STEVE: Who's next for you?
ANDY: I've got one here, Steve, from last July,
where they sent up two mice in a space rocket,
and they-they lost them both.
I heard about that. It's too bad.
How do they plan to find them again?
Well, they got it figured out, Steve.
They figure they're gonna launch a cat.
-A cat. Uh-huh. -(laughs): Yeah.
Thank you, Andy. He'll be back in a little bit.
And now, here come the McGuire Sisters.
(cheers and applause)
Night, Susie.
Night, Ethan.
Look. Should we get it for Sergei?
Oh, God, no.
-To the market? -To the market.
ABE: I do love our Thursdays.
♪ ♪
FRANK SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for moonlight? ♪
(bell dings)
♪ How are ya fixed for stars? ♪
KEELY SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for kissing ♪
♪ While we listen to soft guitars? ♪
SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪
♪ To watch the rain with? ♪
SMITH: ♪ To stroll down the lane with? ♪
SINATRA: ♪ For someone to just go ♪
♪ A little insane with? ♪
SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for memories? ♪
♪ Memories that shine so bright? ♪
SINATRA: ♪ If we let fancy take us ♪
♪ We could make us a few tonight ♪
SMITH: ♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪
♪ Who'll fit your arms like a glove? ♪
BOTH: ♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪
♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪
♪ ♪
SINATRA: ♪ How are ya fixed for kissin' ♪
♪ While we dig those wild guitars? ♪
♪ How are ya fixed for someone ♪
♪ Who'll fit your arms like a glove? ♪
BOTH: ♪ Hey, tell me, baby ♪
♪ How are ya fixed for ♪
♪ Tell me, baby ♪
♪ How are ya fixed for love? ♪
("What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong playing)
♪ I see trees of green ♪
♪ Red roses, too ♪
♪ I see them bloom ♪
♪ For me and you ♪
♪ And I think to myself ♪
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
♪ Yes ♪
♪ I think to myself ♪
♪ What a wonderful world ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah. ♪
(ringing)
Hello?
JOEL (over phone): Hey, pal, it's Daddy.
Hi, Daddy.
Wow, you're answering the phone now, huh, buddy?
-Big man now. -ETHAN: Yeah.
Hey, put your mommy on, okay?
Okay.
Phone!
Hello?
Who the fuck is this?
-Who the fuck is this? -This is Joel.
-Who? -Midge's husband. Who are you?
Susie.
-Susie who? -From the Gaslight.
What the hell are you doing there?
I don't know. Why the hell are you calling?
-Midge is my wife. -Not anymore.
I asked Ethan to put his mother on-- why'd he put you on?
I don't know, he's your idiot kid.
You know what?
-Is Midge there? -No.
Can you take a message?
-No. -Will you take a message?
I need her to meet me. It's important.
-Hello? -Fine.
Tell Midge to meet me at 15 West 40th.
JOEL: I-I like the molding,
but I may want to strip the paint off.
-Is that possible? -MAN: It's getting late.
-Knock-knock. -Midge, great. Come in.
I'd like you to meet Mr. Greenberg.
Mr. Greenberg owns the building.
Oh, well, your parents must be so very proud.
Don't touch anything. The paint's not dry.
-Well, he's a charmer. -He's fine.
The most important thing is he keeps a clean building.
Anyhow, thank you for coming.
-You said it was important. -I know.
I didn't mean to be dramatic, but I-I've toured
a lot of shitholes over the past few weeks,
so when I finally found this place,
I had to get you down here before someone else took it.
What are you talking about? What is this?
Your new apartment. (chuckles)
I really think it's the perfect place for you.
-For me? -And Ethan and Esther.
I know it's smaller than you're used to,
but it's very clean, it's an elevator building.
It's a great location, halfway between the club downtown
and your parents' apartment.
There's a great park a block away.
The butcher's right around the corner,
and it's right off three subways.
I can manage it, and you won't have to work anymore.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, who says I'm gonna stop working?
-Well, you'll have to. -Oh, I will?
-Why will I have to? -I...
Am I suddenly unable to apply lipstick?
-No. -I can't point to powder?
-You can point. -I can't spritz a person
with perfume? That's where my abilities end?
You'll have the kids. You won't have your parents
or Zelda around.
I figured you'd want to quit.
Oh, you figured. You figured?
-What's the matter? -I just don't like you
telling me where I'm gonna live.
I wasn't telling you.
Where are you gonna live, huh?
-Me? -Yeah, you're still
-at your parents', right? -Yes.
Well, if you can tell me where I'm gonna live,
-then I can tell you where you're gonna live. -Midge.
Turtle Bay. You're gonna live in Turtle Bay.
-Where the hell is Turtle Bay? -I don't know.
It's right off three subways. Have fun!
-Why are you angry? -I'm not angry.
-It's a nice apartment. -I had a nice apartment.
-I know. -And I lost it because of you.
I know.
And it was right off three subways, too.
It wasn't, actually.
How can you suddenly afford this?
Huh? You quit your job.
-Right? -Uh...
Imogene said that you quit your job,
and now Archie's gonna get fired.
Why is Archie gonna get fired?
I don't know. Ask Imogene.
She said that you walked out and left Archie standing
next to the chart that she made.
-Imogene made that chart? -Yes.
That was a great chart.
So you get another job?
-Midge, I've got it covered. -How?
Do you like the apartment or not?
-No. -Fine.
Yes, it's very nice.
The phone niche is particularly delightful.
I'm sorry, it's not the apartment.
The apartment's fine. It's just a lot...
I can find my own place.
Okay, find your own place.
Just tell me what it costs and I'll pay for it.
With the job you don't have yet?
Midge, give me a break, please?
I'm just trying to do some fucking thing right here!
I know. I know.
Sorry to drag you out here like this.
It's a nice place, it's just...
I get it.
I don't want you to live in Turtle Bay.
I don't either.
Okay.
Well, that's settled.
ABE: No, no, no, no, no, I-I can do this.
I am a learned man, I teach at a major university.
ROSE: Fine.
Ah! Thursday, right there.
That says "Thursday."
Bravo. Ethan would be very proud of you.
See, I hear some very French sarcasm in that "bravo."
Pas du tout! That means "not at all."
-(chuckles) -Are you ready?
For what?
ROSE (singsongy): Come on.
Rose, where are you taking me?
Rose, you're being very mysterious.
ROSE: Am I? We're here.
It's so exciting.
Voilà!
ABE: What is this?
Jeanne, from my class, her parents own the building.
The tenants just moved out,
so they haven't had the chance to fix it up yet,
but I just had to show it to you immediately.
Obviously, it needs some paint
and some repairs here and there, but look at the view.
ABE: Ooh, that's some view.
See over there? That's your café.
-So it is. -Five blocks away.
-Ah. -There are two bedrooms back here.
A perfect little kitchen, bathroom.
-Look at that ceiling. -Isn't it marvelous?
I almost don't want them to fix it up.
It's sort of glorious in its shabbiness.
-(laughs) -We-we could put a sofa there,
some chairs, right over here your piano.
-Ooh, yes. -(snaps fingers)
The acoustics are perfect.
The dining room would go in here.
We could fit eight comfortably, ten with a leaf.
And right over here would be a great place for you to read.
Oh, yes, perfect reading light.
This wall is for bookshelves, I think a console over here.
A radio, record player...
-Are they dog friendly? -They're dog friendly.
They have to be dog friendly.
Plus, there's a little park around the corner
where we could throw her little ball.
She loves that little ball.
It's special, isn't it?
-Well, it is just a ball. -No, the apartment.
-Oh, yes, it's magnificent. -I know.
I mean, I love our little place,
but it's not very practical for the long term.
Though I will miss the boys, but we'll just have to get used to
our own bathroom again.
And hot water, we'll have to get used to hot water again.
-Rose. -(Rose continues indistinctly)
-Rose. -Hmm?
We can't buy this apartment.
Why not?
Because we don't live here.
Well, we will after we buy the place.
In Paris, we don't live in Paris.
We have to go home.
Paris is home.
No, Rose, it's not.
Why not?
Because my classes at Columbia start in a week.
I'm a tenured professor.
And if I don't go back, I'll lose my spot at Bell Labs.
And if I don't go back, what will I lose?
-Well... -Drapes will have to be made,
but the shutters will do for now.
Rose, stop. Our lives are in New York.
Your friends are in New York.
Your-your garden club is in New York.
I have friends here, too. So do you.
-What friends? -What are you talking about?
Thierry, Rolf, Sergei. Have you forgotten about them?
Of course not.
You're part of their group; you're-you're one of them.
I am not one of th-- I have no idea what they're talking about.
They could be sitting there saying, "That idiot, Abe,
"thinks we like him. Let's set his coat on fire,
and see how long it takes him to notice."
Well, not Thierry, he cries too much,
but Sergei, he looks like a pyro.
That's not true; they're kindred spirits.
They all drink 40 cups of coffee a day
and switch to absinthe at noon.
They all have wives and girlfriends.
-So what? -I don't want a girlfriend.
I'm still getting used to a maid.
I am not French. I'm different.
You're adjusting. Y-You're learning the language.
"Thursday," I learned "Thursday."
W-Wednesday can't be far behind.
Rose.
I want to go home.
This has been a wonderful vacation...
...but it's time to go back to our life.
What life?
My daughter does not want my guidance.
You have no need for my input.
I'm alone in New York.
Here, I have art.
I have independence; no one looks at me with pity.
-No one looks at you... -Poor Rose, she's too fragile
to be told the truth, too delicate to confide in.
She'll shatter.
Here in Paris, I'm...
shatterproof.
I'm-I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'll never do it again.
And I-I promise we will figure out a way
to make it better once we get back.
But we have to go back.
Do you hear me?
Rose.
Rosie.
(door slams)
Wait.
(sniffs) Smell that?
Smells like cheap beer and piss.
I know. Exciting, right?
Hi. I'm working here tonight.
-I'm a comic. -Oh.
What's up her ass?
Tone down the perk.
We're in a real club now.
Sorry.
Fuck you, keep walking.
There you go.
Aha. There he is.
Bobby, hi.
Susie Myerson of Susie Myerson and Associates.
I don't need that. You're my girl comedian?
-Yes, I am. -All right.
I have you down for an eight-minute slot.
Eight minutes. Eight minutes. Eight minutes?
-I'll talk fast. -Eight minutes is great.
Here's four drink tickets.
You're up third.
-Third. Good slot. -Really?
Are you kidding? Third is perfect.
The crowd is warmed up but not worn out.
Yeah? Okay. Third. Great.
How do I look? Hair? Makeup? Teeth?
Excuse me. Uh, Mrs. Maisel, is it?
-Midge is fine. -Oh.
Midge is fine. Isn't Midge fine?
Bobby told us there was a lady comic coming on tonight.
Didn't tell us she was quite so pretty.
-Well, thank you. -EUGENE: That is a lovely dress.
Susie Myerson. I'm her manager.
EUGENE: So you're the girl from the Gaslight gig, right?
Lenny Bruce's girl.
Oh, I'm not his girl, just his friend.
EUGENE: So what kind of act do you do?
Birds? Violin? Wait-- singer.
-Nope. -STAN: Oh, you should sing.
EUGENE: You'd clean up as a singer.
But I-I don't sing.
It doesn't matter, just wear that dress.
Hey, so one colleague to another, uh, you and Lenny...?
Me and Lenny what?
Well, what he did for you, that was pretty big.
You must've done something pretty big for him first, right?
Nothing but respect if you did.
Hey, I'd sleep with Lenny Bruce if he asked.
-The man is a god. -She did not fucking sleep with Lenny Bruce.
-Yeah. -And even if she did,
that's not why he did the gig.
I-I didn't sleep with him.
I know, but my point is,
even if you did, it doesn't matter.
-Yeah, but I didn't. -I know, but if you did...?
For fuck's sake.
Wow, little lady's got a potty mouth.
-Lenny teach you that also? -(both chuckle)
-Well, I like them. -Oh, relax.
Odds are at least one of them has late-stage syphilis.
I'm getting a drink.
-You want one? -Nope.
-You want to sit? -Nope.
I am going to stay fresh.
Okay, well, as long as you're okay
with me sitting and drinking, we're good.
BOBBY: Hey, everybody, I'm Bobby Stelter,
your humble host for the evening.
Are you guys in the mood for a fantastic show?
-(applause) -All right, then what you want to do
is walk outside and catch a cab to the Copa
'cause it ain't happening here.
Now, let's bring up our first comic.
He's Canadian, but don't hold that against him.
Joey Parker!
Thanks, Bobby.
True story.
Before John Wayne was famous, he was a prop man on movie sets.
But what if he never became "The Duke"
and was still working behind the scenes?
Could you see him having to be James Mason's prop guy?
(laughter)
(imitating John Wayne): Well, here ya go, pilgrim.
(imitating James Mason): A gun?
-Why are you handing me a gun? -(laughter)
(imitating John Wayne): It's a Colt Single Action.
They'll know who's boss.
-Mrs. Maisel. -Yes, here.
-Put your hand down. -Slight change.
You're gonna go on fourth now, okay?
Oh, sure. Fourth.
-Fourth is, fourth is... -Better.
-Really? -Much better. Fourth is perfect.
I thought you said third was perfect.
Mm, fourth is more perfect.
I didn't want to say it before 'cause you were going on third,
but fourth is so much better.
Yo, barkeep.
-(applause) -EUGENE: I used to be a lawyer
and I was terrible at it.
I would hear the other lawyers' arguments
and I'd start to look at my client sideways like,
-"Yeah, you do seem guilty." -(laughter)
-You sure you don't want to sit? -Staying fresh.
Okay, well, see, here's what's good about going on fourth.
I'm listening.
Gives you time to look around, take in the room.
-What am I looking for? -Material.
-For example, you see that lady? -Yeah. Ooh, that hat.
Exactly. That hat is screaming to be talked about.
That hat is the fat girl in a family full of beauty queens.
I can do something with that.
EUGENE: Hey, doll, what's with the hat?
Going to a Minnie Pearl look-alike contest later?
(imitating Minnie Pearl): Howdy!
Shit. Minnie Pearl. So easy.
Work for it a little at least.
Bobby, I have another spot tonight uptown.
At this rate, I'll never get there.
-Stan... -You want me to miss the gig?
I won't get paid and my little girl's
gonna have to go without braces.
She's gonna go through life looking like Tim Tam
'cause you got an Italian watch.
Okay, okay. You're up next.
-You thinking what I'm thinking? -Yup.
-Mrs. Maisel, listen, I'm sorr... -Yeah, we heard.
You've already bumped her. Bump someone else.
Stan's a regular. He's been working here four years.
He brings people in.
You work here four years, you bring people in, we'll talk.
So, going fifth is better 'cause...?
The audience is drunker? Lowers the bar.
(applause)
All right, let's keep this cavalcade of comedy
moving along, right?
All right, next up, a lot of you know his work.
He's always funny, always polite and discreet,
our very own Stan Benning!
-Stan! -Thanks, Bobby. Mwah!
Hey, look at you.
Lots of beautiful women in the audience.
Too bad I'm married.
My wife looks like a work of art, a Picasso.
You know, Disney has a new movie about a princess
called Sleeping Beauty
and a new movie about my wife called, "Not now, I'm sleeping."
Oh, and hey, we got a girl comic coming up in a little bit.
That ought to be entertaining.
Madge or Marjorie, something like that.
Don't get too excited, fellas.
She keeps her clothes on.
Plan to laugh at something the guy next to you says
'cause I ain't vouching for Madge,
though I hear she's a hell of a singer.
Fill her up! You sure you don't...?
Fresh, remember?
I'd work up a hot rendition of "Swanee" if I were you, Madge.
(rattling nearby)
(clattering nearby)
-Aah! Shit. -Pop.
-Jesus. -What the hell are you doing here?
-What does it look like? -You have got to find a girl.
-What time is it? -11:30.
I checked downstairs already.
We're probably clear for the night.
They would've come by now.
(sighs) Okay.
-Pop. -Yeah?
You want to get a drink?
You remember the last time we sat like this,
you and me, a couple of drinks, a couple of bats?
-Nope. -Yeah, me, either.
Well, you have a life to live.
We have to talk about the factory.
-No, we don't. -The place is a mess.
-It's not a mess. -Okay, it's not a mess.
Well, it's a little bit of a mess.
-How? How did it get this bad? -I don't know.
A year ago you were doing fine.
You know, when I started this business,
I knew it would do well. I was a determined guy.
I had a brain cell or two, plus I didn't have a choice.
Wasn't gonna sell pickles off a pushcart
like my father did.
But then it took off like a shot
and now I feel like I've been running a fucking marathon
for 20 years.
Next thing I know, I got loans,
padded payrolls and your mother's books.
The son of a bitch landlord is threatening to triple the rent
because he knows I can't move
and you know what the real problem is?
-You should've found a Roth. -Should've found a Roth.
Wasn't enough just to put it on the sign.
Where are your guys, Pop?
Where's Carl, Izzie, Benny?
Benny's gone. Left six months ago.
Izzie's been dipping in and out lately.
I don't trust Izzie. Carl's sick.
He's technically still on the payroll, but...
Listen... I'm gonna stay.
-Stay where? -I'm gonna stay with the company.
-Wait, wait a minute. -Help get things back on track.
Not forever. Understand?
-But longer than I had intended to. -No.
We have to get this figured out.
We need an accountant or a shaman to fix those books
and we have to take care of the landlord.
How are you gonna do that?
-We're gonna buy the building. -Ah!
You got the crazy from your mother.
Padded cell for two. Visiting day will be nice.
-We'll take out a loan. -Another loan.
A real loan from a bank.
I can help you, Pop. You need me.
And for all this white knight bullshit,
I expect you want to be paid?
You bet your ass I want to be paid.
So you need me.
Okay, yes.
How do I know this all isn't just a whim?
How do I know you won't just walk out when you're not happy?
My name's Maisel, too, Pop.
The Maisel name is on that building
and it's gonna stay on that building.
Listen, I want you to talk to Uncle Moe.
My friend Archie, I kind of hung him out to dry when I quit.
I want you to tell Uncle Moe to take care of him.
He can't be fired.
Now you want me to tell my brother how to run his business?
Archie's a good man. He deserves his spot there.
Okay. I do that for you and in return you hire Manny back.
-What? No. -If Manny goes, his wife Gloria goes.
Gloria is my best seamstress. Without her, I'm sunk.
And Pete...?
The schmuck playing cards in the storeroom?
His wife Bernice does all my best embroidery.
He went, she went.
I need her back, too.
Okay, Manny and Pete can come back to work,
but they have to fucking work.
-Yeah. Good luck with that. -So what? We have a deal?
I'm back until things are straightened out,
until you're whole.
Yeah.
Remember, it's not permanent.
-I am not your Roth. -I know that.
You're a Maisel.
(laughter)
NOAH: Jews come from all over the world.
In my family alone, my grandparents speak
five different languages, which means that I know how to say,
"Why aren't you married?" in five different languages.
I got circumcised when I was eight days old.
SUSIE: Only one ticket left. Fuck it.
Hey, bar guy.
Are you okay?
SUSIE: I fell off the stool like I'm Dylan Thomas.
Okay, you're up.
Great. How do I look?
Hey. Get up. Manage shit.
SUSIE: Sorry. Okay.
Remember to wait for the laughs completely.
-You were rushing last week. -I know. I'll remember.
-NOAH: ...money and a hand job. -(laughter)
-Okay. Tits up. -Tits up.
Well, that's it for me tonight. You've been a great audience.
(applause)
Everybody, you're not gonna believe it,
but someone just walked in the door
and there's no way he's leaving without doing his thing.
Jackie Vernon, get up here, man.
Jackie Vernon!
-Let him hear it. -(cheers and applause)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
Tonight I'd like to talk about rejections.
My personal rejections brought on a weight problem.
Every time a girl would refuse me a date,
I'd eat a piece of Bavarian cream pie.
One day I ate 238 pieces of Bavarian cream pie.
-(laughter) -So close, and then he shows up.
But don't worry. He's gonna be really easy to follow.
He's just super warming the place up for you.
Like he's doing you a favor.
Thought you had to be somewhere.
And miss Jackie Vernon? Not a chance.
VERNON: My doctor told me to cut out all sugar and use saccharin.
I used so much saccharin, I developed artificial diabetes.
(laughter)
Okay, that's it. I'll have a martini.
We're out of drink tickets.
I-I need something to eat, too.
Oh, hot dogs. Two hot dogs.
Pay him for the hot dogs.
This is turning out to be a very expensive gig.
Well, at least you're not wearing the same outfit.
I should have seen this coming.
This whole day has been weird.
Joel decided to find me an apartment.
Good. It's time that loser did something other than his hair.
My own apartment. I never lived on my own.
I went from my parents, to college,
back to my parents, to Joel.
I feel like I've been living alone since I was nine.
-(laughter) -I'm a little scared.
I mean, what happens when the toilet clogs?
You get a plunger and plunge all the shit out.
Ugh!
You are gonna die on your own.
They're gonna find you on the floor half eaten
by your feral children, still clutching the fucking plunger.
Hey, new subject.
Got a telegram from my parents.
Oh. They're coming home?
They're coming home.
We have to figure out your living situation.
Hey, you were the one who was scared.
I'm fine going back to my apartment.
-Uh-uh. -(laughter and applause)
If you are shy, timid and meek,
you shouldn't be too worried about it
because the meek will inherit the earth.
They wouldn't have the nerve to refuse it.
-(laughter) -Oh, come on.
What's your problem?
I have mustard on my dress.
Oh, yeah, right on your tit.
It's not working.
Of course not. That's tequila.
-Try gin. -Look at me.
Look at my dress. It's all wrinkled and stained.
I told you I shouldn't sit down.
-I didn't tell you to sit down. -You motioned.
I'm drunk. I was probably grabbing the air for balance.
How am I going to go up there like this?
Oh, don't worry. This guy's never getting off.
I'm wrinkled, I'm stained.
-Plus... -Plus what?
Well... you're a little pungent.
I am not pungent.
I am downwind. I kind of know.
Never. Never.
I have never in my life been...
(sniffing) What is that?
-That's you. -It's...
-No, that's... -(laughs)
Well, what do you expect?
I sweat a little before I go on,
which has happened four times so far tonight.
Well, folks, I don't want you to get excited or panicky,
but I just finished.
How about a hand for the suit?
Hey, he's done. Get ready.
-(cheering and applause) -Shit, shit, shit, shit.
The master, ladies and gentlemen.
(cheering and applause)
Who could possibly follow him, huh?
Well, you're about to find out.
They're leaving.
-They smelled me. -Just get up there.
Hey, where you going? Sit down. Sit back down.
Hey, the best is yet to come. The show is not over.
-Sit your ass back down! -BOBBY: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome an adorable lady who,
if she can't make you laugh, can at least make you dinner.
Mrs. My-zell.
Maisel, asshole. Maisel!
-Tits up. -Arms down.
-Hey, where's the light? -The light guy left.
What the fuck? She needs a spot.
Uh, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Mrs. Maisel.
Follow my voice!
(scattered laughter)
Uh, it's-it's so nice to be here.
It's nice of you to stay.
I was supposed to go on earlier, a lot earlier,
-before I looked like this. -MAN: Yeah.
-Anyone have a comb? -(woman laughs)
Women would get that
because there's-there's no way a comb could fix this.
-(soft laughter) -A bomb would help.
Group blindness would work wonders.
Anyhow, it wasn't that great a joke.
Or even a joke.
Uh, an amusing observation, perhaps.
A wry comment, if you will.
I'm sorry. I feel so unfocused right now.
I was really in the pocket earlier,
ready, fresh.
Then I had a drink, and...
(sighs) This is mustard.
-(scattered laughter) -Here.
As big a mess as my dress is now, my life is worse.
It's changing so fast.
I was married, I'm not married.
I'm going to have to live alone with my two children.
It's all going to be up to me
to take care of them, of myself, of the toilet.
So many goals I had as a young woman.
-Plunging was never one of 'em. -(laughter)
I don't want my own apartment.
(cheering)
Thanks, pal.
I don't want my own apartment.
I-I don't feel ready, mentally, to have my own keys,
my own plumbing, my own angry Ukrainian super.
-(laughter) -I don't feel prepared
to take on that kind of responsibility alone.
The only thing I feel prepared to take on, right now,
at this very minute,
is those fucking losers at the bar.
-(laughter) -I mean, look at them.
The "before" picture in a Charles Atlas
male virility enhancement ad,
just standing there, waiting for me to bomb.
It's midnight on a Tuesday
and the highlight of their evening
is the possibility of seeing a chick fail.
(laughter)
Am I supposed to find them intimidating?
'Cause-'cause all I see is a lineup of men
who had to go into comedy just to get laid.
-(laughter) -Seriously.
We know that if, say, Eugene over there,
came up to you at a bar in his big-boy suit,
with his tiny baby hands,
and no opening line pre-written for him,
he'd be sent crawling home alone
-to whack off in his onesie. -(laughter)
And Stan...
-AUDIENCE: Ooh! -...who has a voice that bored a thousand ships
into sinking themselves.
If he couldn't say to some unwitting female,
"I got a gig downtown in an hour," he'd have to say,
"My mother should be asleep by now."
-(laughter) -All comics are comics
'cause something in their lives went horribly wrong.
Something went to shit.
Either their hairline, Eugene.
Or their personal lives. Me. And Stan.
I-I don't even need to know the details, but looking at Stan,
you just want to apologize
and tell him everything's gonna be okay,
which it won't... 'cause it's Stan.
-(laughter) -But men, those over there, and men in general,
think that they are the only ones who get to use comedy
to close up those holes in their soul.
They run around telling everyone that women aren't funny,
-only men are funny. -(scattered laughter)
SUSIE: Sorry. Give me a minute. God, this thing is heavy.
-Okay, go ahead. -Now, think about this.
Comedy is fueled by oppression,
by the lack of power,
by sadness and disappointment,
by abandonment
and humiliation.
Now, who the hell does that describe more than women?
Judging by those standards,
only women should be funny. And Stan.
(laughter and cheering)
Speaking of things that women and Stan have in common,
have you heard this term
-"child bearing hips"? -(laughter)
You've been a great audience, everyone.
I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you. Good night.
On the way out, everyone give the boys a hug.
Or better yet, some fresh material.
-(cheers and applause) -Thank you.
-Shit, lady!
-You should stink more often. -(laughs)
BOBBY: What the hell was that?
Those are two of my best comics you shit all over tonight.
Well, they started it.
How am I supposed to get them back here
after I let some snot-nosed chick-comic take them down
in front of a room full of people?
-It wasn't really full. -A lot of them had left already.
Doesn't matter! You don't come into my club
and talk like that to my best earners.
People come in to see those guys.
Nobody comes in to see you
'cause nobody knows who the fuck you are!
Now here, take your money and get out of here
before I decide never to book you in this place again.
-Our first gig! (laughs) -Yeah!
♪ ♪
♪ Where has the time all gone? ♪
-Santé. -OTHERS: Santé.
Okay, boys, and the last round is on me.
♪ We'll catch up ♪
♪ Some other time ♪
♪ Just when the fun is starting ♪
♪ Comes the time for parting... ♪
-♪ But let's be glad... ♪ -All set.
Oh, monsieur Weissman.
Good-bye, Marie. Au revoir.
Uh-huh.
I appreciated the extra towels.
♪ Still to be done ♪
♪ But time is racing ♪
♪ Oh, well ♪
♪ We'll catch up ♪
♪ Some other time... ♪
Au revoir, Rose!
(speaking French)
Bye-bye.
(voice breaking): Bye-bye.
-♪ We'll catch up ♪ -Bye-bye.
♪ Some other ♪
♪ Time. ♪
Zelda, the dean of admissions
will be coming for dinner tonight.
He heard about our trip to France
and wants to have something French.
-What can you make that's French? -Nothing.
What can you make that we can say is French, isn't,
-but he'll never know? -Goulash.
Perfect.
ETHAN: I'm done.
He ate his breakfast. How did that happen?
I put chocolate chips in his eggs.
You're a genius. It's nice to have you home, Mama.
Miriam, will you be home for dinner?
We're having authentic French goulash.
I'm pulling a double shift today.
Well, we haven't seen much of you since we got back.
Never heard what you were up to while we were gone.
I have five to eight minutes. Want to give me the highlights?
Well, I just...
hung out. I hung out.
Okay. Good talk. I'll be home at 6:00.
See you later, Mama.
-So, you'll meet me at 10:00? -Meet you where?
-My office. -At Columbia?
Of course. We had this discussion, don't you remember?
I have absolutely no memory of this.
They don't let women audit the art history classes
unless they're grad students.
However, I talked to the head of the department,
and he said he would make an exception
but wanted to know what classes.
What classes what?
What classes you wanted to audit.
For God's sake, keep up, woman.
-Are you serious? -I told him we'd come by at 10:15.
His office is right next to mine,
but I was taking into account your slow pace in those heels.
So, yes?
-Yes. -Good.
See you then.
Oh, and I signed us up for dance classes, Arthur Murray.
We can't be caught out again like that night on the Seine.
I mean, we were adorable, but our technique was terrible.
Zelda, we're gonna serve coq au vin tonight. I'll help.
What? What did you say? Did you say you'll help?
Help me cook? Are you feeling all right?
Should I call a doctor?
(man shouting in distance)
(glass breaking in distance)
♪ The butcher, the baker ♪
♪ The grocer, the clerk are secretly ♪
♪ Unhappy men because ♪
♪ The butcher, the baker ♪
♪ The grocer, the clerk ♪
♪ Get paid for what they do ♪
♪ But no applause ♪
♪ They'd gladly bid their dreary jobs ♪
♪ Good-bye ♪
♪ For anything theatrical ♪
♪ And why? ♪
Fuck.
♪ There's no business like show business ♪
♪ Like no business ♪
♪ I know ♪
♪ Everything about it ♪
♪ Is appealing ♪
♪ Everything that traffic ♪
♪ Will allow ♪
♪ Nowhere could you get that happy feeling ♪
♪ When you are stealing ♪
♪ That extra bow ♪
♪ There's no people ♪
♪ Like show people ♪
♪ They smile ♪
♪ When they are low ♪
♪ Even when they tell you ♪
♪ That your show will fold ♪
♪ You may be stranded ♪
♪ Out in the cold ♪
♪ Still you wouldn't change it ♪
♪ For a sack of gold ♪
♪ Let's go on with the show ♪
♪ There's no people ♪
♪ Like show people ♪
♪ They smile when ♪
♪ They are low ♪
♪ Yesterday they told you ♪
♪ You would not go far ♪
♪ That night you open ♪
♪ And there you are ♪
♪ Next day on your dressing room ♪
♪ They've hung a star ♪
♪ Let's go on ♪
♪ With the show. ♪