-(lively chatter) -MIDGE: Nah. Now, seriously,
there's no fucking way that Penny Pann
can compete with these tits!
(laughter)
-Do you love it? -LENNY: Do I love what?
Comedy.
Stand-up. Do you love it?
Seriously?
Well, I've been doing it a while.
Okay, let's put it like this.
If there was anything else in the entire world
that I could possibly do to earn a living, I would.
Anything. I'm talking dry cleaners to the Klan,
crippled-kid portrait painter, slaughterhouse attendant.
If someone said to me, "Leonard, you can either eat a guy's head
or do two weeks at the Copa,"
I'd say, "Pass the fucking salt."
It's a terrible, terrible job.
It should not exist.
Like cancer and God.
HONEY: Sorry.
I went to the Varick station instead.
-Why the hell would you do that? -'Cause you like Varick better.
Jesus, Honey, you don't get to pick.
But do you love it?
(quietly): Yeah. He loves it.
Excuse me. Do I need a receipt for the bail money, or...
And next up in a night full of triumphs,
uh, Honey forgot to tell the cabdriver to turn the meter off.
He's up to 20 bucks and refuses to get paid in weed,
-so I was wondering if maybe you... -Of course. Here.
-Put it on my tab? -Sure.
Oh, and, hey, if you need any help finding a lawyer,
I've got a drawer full of cards.
-Just don't tell anyone you know where I am. -Lawyer?
-Receipt. -What? Oh.
Wha... What did you mean "lawyer"?
Wait, wh-what about a lawyer?
-Hold on. -You said if I need help finding a lawyer.
Why do I need help finding a lawyer?
You got arrested, arrested means court, court means lawyer.
-But why do I need a lawyer? I got bailed out. -So?
-On the night I was arrested. -So?
-I didn't sleep there. -Where is this going?
I got bailed out on the night I got arrested.
It's almost like it didn't even happen.
-But it did happen. -But very quickly.
My advice: be your own lawyer.
-It's ticking. -I should...
-Uh, wait. -Yes?
What?
I...
You...?
I-I don't know what to do.
Well, it's morning.
Go have breakfast.
Lenny, for Christ's sake, I'm dying here.
Yes, sitting in the cab must be harrowing.
(band playing lively intro)
(The Barry Sisters' "Vyoch Tyoch Tyoch" playing)
(man urinating, woman shouting indistinctly)
WOMAN: Stop throwing it out the window and put it in the trash.
(barking)
See, even the dog is upset about it.
â™ª â™ª
-MIDGE: No. -JOEL: You tackled her.
A nudge. A gentle nudge.
You took her down like she had the ball at the ten-yard line.
I simply felt it went to the wrong person.
She'd waste it. And this is a very nice bouquet.
-Her ears are still ringing. -It has gardenias in it.
Brutal. My wife is brutal.
It was perfect, wasn't it?
Yeah. Perfect.
(giggles) Perfect wedding,
perfect breakfast, perfect life.
-So... -Hmm?
-Last chance. -For what?
We could still get that apartment around the corner.
-Joel... -We could eat here every day.
-I know. -We could be downtown people.
Close to the clubs, the park.
-You love the park. -Riverside's a park, too.
I thought you wanted to be a cool chick.
I can be a cool chick with a doorman
and a Kelvinator Foodarama refrigerator, can't I?
Yes, you can.
I really love that apartment.
I grew up in that building.
My parents are so close.
-Very close. -When we have kids,
we can just go upstairs, drop them off,
go downtown, and be cool cats by night.
We can have it all.
I'm not gonna say no to you.
Not after I saw what you're capable of.
-You love me, Joel? -Rochester probably loved
that first wife of his, and then she went nuts
and burned the house down.
Do you?
I do.
(whispers): Meet me in the bathroom.
-What? -Two-minute head start.
A-Are you kidding me? You're in a wedding dress.
Excuse me. Where's the ladies'?
Thanks. Clock starts now.
Who are you?
I thought I married a nice girl.
Oh, you did not.
(piano plays intro to "Dance Only with Me")
â™ª Dance, dance â™ª
â™ª Only with me... â™ª
You alone?
Yes.
â™ª Love, love â™ª
â™ª Love only me â™ª
â™ª Till all our sweet â™ª
â™ª Music â™ª
â™ª Is gone. â™ª
â™ª â™ª
(indistinct chatter)
-Oh. -(whispering): Joel left you.
I know. I was there. How do you know?
He's at my house right now.
What?
-Imo... -Shh.
-Ow. My arm. Ow. -Shh. Shh.
Joel showed up at our house with this tiny girl suitcase,
and he and Archie went into Archie's office
and shut the door, and all I could hear was
"bowling" and "pandas"-- did you fight about bowling?
-No. -Was there a panda?
-No. -Well, maybe it wasn't pandas, but it had a "P."
Joel left me for his secretary.
What?
-Penny Pann. -Pann like panda.
-Oh, my God.
(claps) Ladies, take your place.
-(whispering): His secretary? -His idiot secretary.
-Wouldn't be better if she was smart. -Actually it would.
CLAIRE: Everyone, arms to the sky.
-â™ª â™ª -Rag doll down.
Shake it out.
His secretary. How unoriginal.
Unoriginality is kind of his thing lately.
CLAIRE: Rag doll up.
Grab your Lythe-lines.
It's always those girls.
-What girls? -Those shorthand girls.
Girls who go to secretarial school and learn shorthand,
and that gives them entre to our husbands.
And once they have entre to our husbands,
our husbands entre right into them.
Shorthand girls.
I could have been a shorthand girl.
I could have gone out into the workforce with my shorthand,
but I didn't-- I got married.
I did it the right way.
-Longhand. -That's right.
The worst part is, I didn't suspect a thing.
I just thought we were a great couple.
I did, too.
I told Archie constantly, "Midge and Joel,
they are a great couple."
CLAIRE: Grab your bottles.
Hey, stop working so hard.
-Why? -You're starting to look like them.
â™ª â™ª
-The divorcees? -Do not forget,
we do this so we can eat cheesecake.
They do this because they need to find new men,
or at least look trim for the coroner after they die alone.
Is that Martha Kilgallin?
-When did she join "the corner"? -Last week.
Richard went straight to a lawyer's office
with his suitcase and his portable bar,
and just like that, three became four.
Now five.
Who knows besides me?
My parents. Joel, Archie.
Well, we won't tell.
People will find out, eventually.
I should just come out with it and tell everyone
and get it over with.
All right, let's think this through.
If you do tell people, then at least
you could control the narrative.
You know what I mean--
frame yourself in the best light.
Done right, maybe you just get pushed back a row or two,
not all the way into "the corner."
Maybe.
Unless you think Joel is coming back.
'Cause if you think he's coming back, then it's better
you don't tell anybody, because then he'll be back,
and no one will have known he left.
But if you tell them he left, and then he comes back,
you'll still be the person that he left, only now he's back.
But they'll know that you were left,
even though you aren't left now.
And I don't know what corner of the room
you stand in to be that person.
CLAIRE: All right, ladies, crab walk.
â™ª â™ª
â™ª Ain't what you do â™ª
â™ª It's the way that you do it â™ª
â™ª Ain't what you do â™ª
â™ª It's the way that you do it â™ª
â™ª Ain't what you do â™ª
â™ª It's the way that you do it... â™ª
-Hey, Joel. -Hey, morning, Tony.
â™ª Ain't what you do â™ª
â™ª It's the time that you do it â™ª
-â™ª Ain't what you do â™ª -(horn honking)
â™ª It's the time that you do it â™ª
â™ª Ain't what you do â™ª
â™ª It's the time that you do it â™ª
â™ª That's what gets results â™ª
-â™ª Oh... â™ª -â™ª You can try hard â™ª
â™ª Don't mean a thing â™ª
â™ª Take it easy â™ª
â™ª Please say it â™ª
â™ª Then your jive will swing â™ª
â™ª Oh, it ain't what you do â™ª
â™ª It's the place that you do it â™ª
â™ª That's what gets results â™ª
â™ª â™ª
Moishe.
MOISHE: That's a handprint, Jimmy.
-Oh, Mr. Maisel... -Right there, right on the jacket.
-A handprint. Not my handprint. -I know.
But it is my jacket, which is now ruined
-because right there, left hand, clear as day. -I'll find out...
I want you to find out whose goddamn handprint that is,
and you bring him to me. Yes? Good? Great.
Uh, good work, ladies.
-Keep 'em hum, hum, humming along. -Pop?
Love to hear the sound â™ª of the machines. â™ª
-You don't look sick. -Pop?
Miraculous recovery?
Modern science score another knockout?
-I'm not sick. -That's not what I heard.
-I heard you were sick. -MAN: Pin.
-WOMAN: Ow! -MAN: Quiet.
Mother-in-law called an hour ago,
said everyone in the family is sick. Everyone.
What the hell are you doing?
I said halter. That's a sweetheart.
-Halter! Halter! Halter! -Sorry, Mr. Maisel.
Your mother-in-law called and said the whole family is so ill
that break fast is canceled.
So ill, the holiest of holy days cannot happen.
If it's so holy, why do you keep the factory open?
-You want a smack in the face? -I'm just saying.
Those people get paid by the piece.
You want to take a day's work away from them?
-God wants them to go hungry because I shut my doors? -Fine.
Half of those people out there are gentiles.
You go explain Yom Kippur to a gentile.
"We're happy, but we're starving.
It's New Year's, but we're guilty."
Sounding like a nonbeliever, Pop.
No, I'm not a nonbeliever. I am a believer.
I believe that everything I have is because of Him.
And these, which he gave me.
-It's Abe, right? -What?
-Abe canceled dinner? -No.
-Abe's a nonbeliever? -Abe did not cancel dinner.
That schmuck cancels the dinner.
-A holy dinner, he cancels. -It's not Abe.
Your mother's very upset. Does Abe know that?
-It's not Abe. -Yom Kippur is a very big deal for your mother.
There's kugel, she sees the kids.
-Yeah, I know. -You think that happens every day?
You think every day there's kugel and kids?
-If you'd just... -Ooh, there was crying.
So much crying.
A good 40 to 50 minutes of crying.
And finally, I said, "Shirley, if Abe doesn't
want us at his house, what are we gonna do?!"
Pop! Please, just stop talking.
I'm not talking.
You're not talking, either.
Quiet's nice sometimes.
I have to tell you something.
Okay.
Midge and I are splitting up.
That's why dinner was canceled.
We split up... last night.
What's her name?
-Who? -The girl.
-Oh, no, no, no, no. -Trixie, Dixie...
-It's not like that. -No?
No! No. It didn't work.
It's nobody's fault.
Sometimes these things happen, okay?
People with the best of intentions just grow apart.
That's all. Just wanted you to know.
That you and Midge split up?
-Yes. -Okay. Sorry to hear it.
I always liked Midge.
Just not the one, huh?
(Moishe laughs sarcastically)
That's gonna be a hell of a phone call to your mother.
I'll do it when I get home.
Home? Okay. You'll call your mother when you get home
and let her know your marriage is over.
That'll be terrific. Hey!
Don't bother calling your mother. I'll tell her.
That roll of pink tulle you're dragging across the ground--
it's French.
Do you know what else is French? The guillotine!
Turn your back for one minute,
everybody's the village idiot.
Well, at least Abe's gonna be happy.
-What are you talking about? -He never thought much of you.
-That's not true. -No?
Okay. My mistake.
Put it down!
Put it... Let me see your hand.
Up in the air-- left hand right now!
Morning, Professor.
Good morning, Professor Weissman.
There it is.
Study it.
Now, this matrix is composed of two row vectors--
v-one and v-two, but the rank is only one.
Can anyone tell me why?
No. No.
No. No. Truman?
Because once it's reduced to echelon form,
there's only one independent vector.
Correct. Now, can anyone tell me the nullity of this matrix?
No. No. No. No.
-Truman? -Unbelievable.
I'm sorry. Do you have something to say?
You never call on me. You never call on anyone.
You only ever call on Truman.
Truman knows the answers.
Truman always knows the answers.
Yes, but we could know the answers.
Really? Did you?
No.
-Did you know the answer? -No.
No? Did you know the answer?
-No. -No.
So none of you knew the answer.
-ALL: No. -But Truman.
But we could have known the answer. That's the point.
Could have?
Could have. Charlie...
-Lance. -Could have doesn't count. Maybe doesn't count.
"I took a shot" doesn't count.
Because this room is a sanctuary
from the variables in the outside world.
In this room, we deal with absolutes.
Period.
In this room...
this is what counts.
These two vectors are collinear.
They go... together.
And they will always go together.
This is the solemn vow made by mathematics.
In this room, v-two is never going to break that vow
and decide that it doesn't need the other vector anymore,
that it's gonna run off and become linearly independent.
V-two is never going to come home from work one day
and tell v-one, "You know what?
"I think I need my own vector space.
See ya."
And then v-one's dad has to come in and tell her, "No,
"you can't let v-two do that.
You-you got to go get v-two back,"
an impermanent solution,
because v-one's dad is not gonna be around forever
to solve all of v-one's problems.
(chalk writing on board)
Write that down.
â™ª Daisy is darling, Iris is sweet â™ª
â™ª Lily is lovely, Blossom's a treat â™ª
â™ª Of all the sweethearts â™ª
â™ª A guy could meet â™ª
â™ª Well, I finally chose an American beauty rose â™ª
â™ª Laurel will hug you â™ª
â™ª Orchid's divine â™ª
â™ª Still I finally chose an American beauty rose. â™ª
And just like that, Joel left, in the middle of the night,
-like a cat burglar. -DRINA: God, that's terrible.
I'm so surprised. He seemed
so crazy about Midge. You want sugar today?
No. Maybe a lump.
-Two lumps. -I put in three.
It's a stressful time.
-Drink. -Mm.
How is poor Miriam?
Oh, who can tell with her?
You know, maybe I sensed something.
But just last week, I told her to get pregnant again.
Hmm. Too hot.
I told her, "Three before 30." That was my mistake.
I waited too long between Miriam and Noah.
-I could only fit in two. -You need to drink the tea, honey.
But Miriam is Miriam.
She wanted to play and run around
dressed in black like a Fellini film.
It's fine now.
There's beer in her refrigerator.
-Oh, dear. -Joel thinks she's frivolous.
-That's why he left. -She's always been her own girl.
-Mm. -Do you remember when she wanted to learn to drive?
Because she found pink driving gloves.
Everything with Midge starts with an accessory.
How's Abe taking all this?
Abe got up this morning and went to work.
The world could be ending, and he'd get up and go to work.
And if Columbia University fell into the ocean,
he'd work from home.
-Here. -Does the rabbi know?
-What? No. God, no. -Good.
-Can you imagine? -I don't want to.
We're all sick. That's what he knows.
Very, very sick. You did not see me today.
Who am I talking to? No one. I'm alone here.
Okay, let's take a look at this.
I failed her. I failed her somehow.
My whole family, everyone's married.
Abe's family, everyone's married.
I should've sent her to Paris. My mother sent me to Paris.
Paris is wonderful, but it's good Midge didn't go.
There was danger for her there.
-Too much bread. -Yes.
Okay, let's see.
I just need to know whether or not
this separation is actually going to happen.
-I see a hammer. -Is a hammer good?
It is if you want to hang a picture.
Please, Drina...
A hammer means triumph. You will triumph.
And the leaves say this journey will end in peace and happiness.
Triumph? Peace and happiness? You're sure?
-You're doubting the leaves? -No. Never.
Okay, you're still nervous. Drina knows this.
I'll tell you what.
I'll throw in a charm. Put this
under Miriam's pillow for a week.
It'll help the luck stick.
My God, what is that smell?
Tannis root. Just tell Miriam
a rat died in the wall or something.
-Thank you, Drina. -Don't worry.
Miriam will land on her feet.
Take it from me.
Hmm? Are you paying by check today?
ANTONIO: Hey, Mrs. Maisel! Hold on a sec!
-What's wrong? -Some guy showed up here looking for you.
I asked him to wait down here, but he pushed right past.
-Almost bit me. -Oh, no.
-Hey, I'm calling the cops right now. -Don't call the cops.
Everything's fine!
-Good morning, Mrs. Maisel. -Good morning.
(elevator bell dings)
I'm sorry.
-Are you fucking kidding me? -I know.
-9:30.
I got up at 9:30. In the morning.
You know the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning?
It was the last time I stayed out all night
and got home at 9:30 in the morning.
That is the last time I was up at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm sorry. It was a rough night.
Hey, you came to me, okay?
You know, I-I didn't ask you to bang on my door.
I didn't even tell you where my door was.
You figured out where it was
and then you came there and then you banged on it
-of your own free will. -I forgot.
Oh, much better.
It is so much better that you just forgot.
You know, my fear was that you remembered
and chose not to meet me.
But now that I know I literally didn't even enter into y...
Wh-Where the hell are we? What is this, fucking Versailles?
It's my apartment.
Your table is set for 30.
Who has cutlery for 30?
Jesus Christ, what is this, a landing strip?
Where is your airplane, in the bathroom?
I had no idea you were such an important person.
If I had realized that the queen of England had stood me up,
I would have understood. But I just thought
you were some drunk housewife who needed my help.
I had no idea you were related to fucking Charlemagne.
'Cause if Catherine the Great had shown up and said,
"Hey, let's meet at 10:00," I probably wouldn't have expected
her to show up either. But you have to tell people who you are.
'Cause if all they have to go on is the fact
that you make appointments and then forget about them,
they're just gonna think you're a stuck-up twat.
It's an easy mistake to make.
I almost made that same mistake.
But then I saw your dining room was set for Parliament...
What the... What is this,
a backup place in case you get bored with the other one?
What the hell is going on here?
-They've already eaten, Miss Miriam. -Thank you, Zelda.
Hey, Zelda, have you seen the place downstairs?
-It will blow your mind. -Hi, lady.
What? Where are we going?
Why am I touching this child?
-Why is this child touching me? -Hi, lady.
Why is his hand sticky? Why is your hand sticky?
Where has his hand been that it is now currently very sticky?
(elevator bell dings)
-Hi, lady. -Why am I still holding this child?
He can't find his way home from here?
I made it home just fine when my mother forgot me
at the Armistice Day Parade.
An old soldier with one arm gave me a nickel
and I took the bus home. Oh, you're welcome!
Real polite kid you got there. Good job.
Would you like some iced tea?
Hmm. Do I want some iced tea?
Let me think. Fuck you.
No, I do not want any iced tea.
(scoffs) First, you stand me up.
Then you Bataan Death March me through Buckingham Palace.
You make me hold your kid's filthy hand,
which means I probably got 14 different kinds of cholera
-right now. -Sit down. I'll get us some iced tea.
Sit where? Here? What, on this? Are you kidding me?
I'm not sitting in here.
This is not furniture for sitting!
This is furniture you get appraised
when a rich uncle dies.
You really should put plastic
-over all of this. -It's fine.
Are those two really your children
or did we just break in and kidnap a couple kids?
-Of course they're mine. -Well, just making sure.
I mean, when you fraternize with an ex-con...
Hey, did you know that I have to get a lawyer and go to court?
-Yes. -Even though I got bailed out on the night I got arrested.
What the hell does that have to do with anything?
-So it's not a thing? -No, it's not a thing.
Why do I have it in my head that it's a thing?
I don't know, lady. Maybe it's all that royal inbreeding.
-This is not that fancy of an apartment. -(chuckles)
It's just ridiculous. That whole getting arrested thing.
So I said some bad words.
Well, and you flashed the room.
What?
You flashed the room.
You pulled your top down.
-Oh, I did not. -You did, too.
You hit a switch and out they came.
-That's ridiculous. -"Soup's on, boys!"
-If I did that, I'd remember. -Mm.
-Cake? -No, I do not want cake.
You know what, I would like to know what I am doing...
Oh, wow.
That-that is an adorable cake.
I'm sorry about today.
I really am.
Okay.
Let's just forget about this morning, okay?
I'm here. We can start now.
You have any paper? Pen?
Maybe parchment and a quill?
-Why? -So I can write down some stuff for you
-to talk about onstage. -No, no, no.
Look, I'm-I'm sorry about this morning,
but that woman last night,
she was not me.
This is me. I am me.
-Uh-huh. -I'm the woman who's gonna be standing
in the corner next to Martha Kilgallin,
-desperate and sweating like a pig. -There are two Ls
-in "Kilgallin"? -I'm the woman who's gonna get elbowed
out of the way at the butcher shop so that other women
can get the best lamb chops. Other women who have husbands
to shop for. Nobody cares if you're ordering steak for one.
That-That's me. That's the real me we're dealing with.
And she's not fun. She's sad and embarrassed
and poten... What are you doing?
I'm making notes. This is great stuff.
This is not great stuff.
This is my life falling apart.
My husband left me. Do you understand that?
He left me, left my children. You've met my children.
I did. One of 'em gave me bubonic plague.
It was jelly, goddamn it. Children get jelly
-on their hands. -Okay. Relax.
The woman who showed up at that club and said those crazy things
was in a state.
A manic emotional state.
Bullshit. You loved it.
Yes! For a moment it-it was glorious, okay?
F-For one moment, I said and did things
that I've never done or said before.
But-but that is all a complete blur to me now.
I don't know how I got there.
I wouldn't know how to get there again.
And I'm not gonna try. Do you understand?
Yeah.
I understand.
Made me come all the way to the Upper West Side.
Didn't even have a doctor's appointment.
Wait.
For the bail.
See ya.
(sighs)
Not too many fatty pieces. It's all he'll eat.
Yes, Mrs. Weissman.
The rest can be leftovers for tomorrow.
(phone rings)
Abe! Dinner's on the table!
Hello?
Rosie? Oh, my God, Rosie, is that you?
Yes, it's me, Shirley.
Rosie, I'm beside myself.
I feel like a building just fell on my head.
A block. A whole block.
I feel like 34th between Sixth and Seventh
just fell right on my head.
I thought dinner was on the table.
Calm down. You sound winded.
I see carrots, potatoes...
Oh, hey, the salad's on the table.
-I'm talking to Shirley. -Shirley?
-Mm. -Oh, great. Tell her to hang on.
I want to put her on speakerphone.
Shirley, will you hold on just one minute?
You're not hanging up on me, are you?
No, I'll be right back.
People think I'm such a strong person, but I'm not.
Hurry, before she hangs herself with the phone cord.
Okay. And... go.
Shirley, are you still there?
-Barely. -Okay, good.
Go ahead. You were saying?
I was saying my heart is broken.
-(quietly): Excellent. -What? -Nothing. Go ahead, Shirley.
I didn't get to have my Yom Kippur dinner.
It was ripped out from under me.
Just like when we went to Boca and we saw this magician
and he ripped a tablecloth out
from under a completely set table.
Only in my case, everything falls to the floor
and smashes into a million pieces.
Tell her to speak up a little.
Shirley, dear, could you speak up?
I look forward to that dinner all year!
But then I heard you all had such a terrible flu.
My heart stopped. I mean, the flu is very serious.
People die from the flu. But when Moishe told me
you didn't actually have the flu, I was so relieved.
"Thank God, I don't have to worry about that."
But then he said the kids split up,
and suddenly I just wished everybody had the flu.
-Split up? -Now what do I have?
No Yom Kippur.
No daughter-in-law.
No grandchildren.
You'll always have the grandchildren.
Oh, well, sure, yes, as a concept, but...
Shirley, when did you hear the kids were breaking up?
-Just now. -You're sure?
Yes. Joel came to see Moishe this afternoon and...
Wait, who is this? Who am I talking to?
That was Abe, Shirley. Now, try and calm down.
I promise you'll see the grandchildren again.
When? When am I gonna see them again?
Next Yom Kippur? What am I, 20?
I could be dead in an hour!
I hear there's a terrible flu going around.
No, the flu wasn't real, Shirley. The flu was an excuse.
Now people need an excuse not to see family?
What a world.
She didn't go to him. I told Miriam to go to him
-and she didn't go to him. -Abe, Abe...
-Who? -Uh, nothing, Shirley, I'm here.
I just wish we could all be together
just one more time.
One dinner.
I know, Shirley.
One dinner.
So we can celebrate the new year.
So I can see my grandchildren again.
So we can... be a family.
I hear you, Shirley. Now let me let you go.
I promise I will speak to Miriam and then we'll talk later.
I'm gonna try her now. Bye, Rose.
-(click) -Oh, n... Shirley.
Sh-Shirley!
Oh...
(exhales)
-(busy signal) -Oh... (grunts)
Zelda! Open the door!
Open the door!
-MIDGE: No, I pr... I-I am not. I promise you. -(panting)
No, yeah, uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Well, that's not true, Shirley.
I promise you'll see the children before you die.
Oh, damn it.
Yes, of cour... Yes, they love you.
And they miss you. Yes, I'm-I'm very, very sure.
Yes. Yes, I'm sure.
(pants)
Okay.
Oh, of course.
I, I-I understand completely.
Thursday dinner will be fine.
(pants)
Yes, I promise.
Everybody will be there. Okay.
All right. Yes. Uh-huh. Okay. Bye-bye, Shirley.
(sighs) What a terrible place the inside of her head must be.
I tried to warn you.
You have so many nines in your number.
-Thursday night? -Thursday night.
Well, I can get you out of it.
Really? How?
I don't know. And Joel?
-He is expected. -Should I call him for you?
You really think Shirley hasn't gotten to him already?
You're right.
(sighs)
It'll be fine.
I'll have to see him eventually.
I mean, we have the children.
We'll just... have to be adults.
And what are you gonna wear?
-Why? -Wear your red dress.
That's an evening dress.
It's dinner. That's evening.
-Mama... -If you have to see Joel,
then he has to see you, and if he has to see you,
he should see what he's missing.
That is not what this dinner's for.
You're a single woman now.
That's what every dinner's for.
(sets down glass)
(footsteps departing)
â™ª â™ª
-Morning, Mr. Maisel. -Morning, Louella.
Oh, Jack, I will have that proposal on your desk by lunch,
I promise.
Oh, good morning, Mr. Maisel.
Did Miss Pann call in sick?
Miss Pann? No.
I'm your new girl, Mrs. Moskowitz.
-My... -Funny little story:
I met you when you were an itty-bitty boy.
(chuckles): That's how long I've been working here.
Your father used to bring you here to visit your uncle
and you'd run around in those little green pants.
Hmm. Yeah, I'm sorry, who assigned you to this desk?
John Meeks in Personnel.
Aw, you were so good on the yo-yo.
Are you still good on the yo-yo?
I don't know.
JOHN: Carol Moskowitz
is one of the best secretaries we have here.
Good typist, always has a smile for you,
plus, she makes a terrific cup of coffee.
We just thought this would be a good fit,
seeing as how she knew you when you were a boy.
So, that's it? Penny's gone? Fired?
She is not fired, we simply
moved her to the billing department.
You simply moved... You know...
(phone bangs on desk)
I'm a vice president here, John.
I should've been consulted.
Have a say over who my secretary is.
Or when she's been moved to the billing department!
Sorry, Joel. Out of my hands.
This came from the top.
(phone ringing, indistinct conversations)
(machinery buzzing)
-That's some entrance. -Stay out of my life.
Aha! I was right.
-I mean it. -I wasn't sure at first.
I heard that name, Penny Pann, and I thought,
"Well, that's a stupid name,"
but I took a shot and I was right.
-That is my job. -I love being right.
My job, my office!
I know, I got you that job and that office.
-That's beside the... -You were supposed to work
here, with me, but you didn't want to.
Work was too hard here.
-Might get your suit dirty. -That's not why and you know it.
Was I hurt? Sure. But fuck me, you're my son.
So, I call my brother, I say give him a job, a good job,
not a bullshit job in a storeroom or as a clerk.
No getting bagels, no running errands like a schlemiel.
No, give him an office, and a secretary named Penny Pann.
I did that for you.
And I did this for you also.
Stay out of my life!
(big band music plays)
â™ª Uh! â™ª
â™ª Papa love mambo â™ª
â™ª Mama loves mambo â™ª
All of this goes in that mouth
before you leave this seat, young man.
-Zelda? -I'll have eyes on him, Miss Miriam.
Thank you, Zelda.
Everything smells delicious.
-â™ª Mama loves mambo â™ª -â™ª Mama loves mambo â™ª
(Moishe talking indistinctly in other room)
â™ª Evens his weight with it now â™ª
â™ª He goes to, she goes fro â™ª
â™ª He goes fast â™ª
-Joel? -Sorry.
I, uh, I didn't knock.
I just... started to come in, but then I...
I didn't know if I should, so I...
-closed it. -So what's the verdict?
In or out?
In.
-â™ª Uh! â™ª -â™ª Papa loves mambo â™ª
Living room's that way, unless you forgot.
-Going to get a jacket. -Wasn't sure if you forgot.
-Been gone one day, Midge. -That long, huh?
-This is going really well. -Oh, yeah.
MOISHE: So I'm at work late, it's stone quiet,
and I hear a rustling noise from a button crate.
Have I told you this story, Abe?
Actually Moishe, you haven't, that I know of.
Good! So I grab a pair of scissors,
I'm on my hands and knees crawling over to the crate,
I'm gonna surprise attack.
I jump up, and I rip the top off,
bare hands, right off!
Two chickens jump out.
-(laughing) -Live chickens!
They jumped in somewhere in Queens,
and took a ride across the Hudson!
(laughing)
Let me tell you, I admired those boys.
-And they were delicious. -ROSE and SHIRLEY: Mmm.
What, what are those?
GougÃ¨res. French cheese puffs.
French food is salty. Is that on purpose?
-Probably. -Did you know
a lot of French women aren't married?
Because they're always going topless on their beaches.
Men see if for free, they're not gonna propose.
MOISHE: You know what I just realized?
We never do these things at your house, Abe.
MIDGE: Our place is bigger,
Moishe, more entertaining space.
JOEL: Sorry I'm late, everybody.
Joel. Thank God.
Hello, Mom.
Hello, Rose. Abe.
Hello, Joel.
Mmm... somebody's sending a message, Shirley.
What message? What are you talking about?
ZELDA: Ethan wanted to say good night.
-Daddy. -Hey, pal.
Ah, get over here.
You got your new pajamas on, huh?
Looks good, it looks good. Go say hi to Grandma, okay?
-ETHAN: Yeah. Grandma. -SHIRLEY: Come here, Ethan.
Oh, you are such a precious boy.
MOISHE: All right, come on, come to Grandpa.
SHIRLEY: No, I don't want him to go.
This might have to last me for a long, long while.
Ah! You miss the Dodgers?
You know, they left because of you, right?
-Oh, Moishe. -They left because
you never went to a game, and they said,
when the hell is Ethan coming to a game?
Shirley? Do you need something?
SHIRLEY: Thank goodness...
There he goes.
You know, my strongest memory of Joel is him running away from us
in his little green pants.
â™ª â™ª
MOISHE: How are you doing, Miriam?
I'm doing fine.
If you ever need anything, Shirley and I are here for you.
I appreciate that.
You know, when my sister's husband died young,
she started volunteering at the old ladies nursing home,
reading stories, teaching cha-cha classes,
things like that.
Helped her get through the long, lonely days,
and at night, jigsaw puzzles, portraits,
basket of puppies was a big one.
Could you excuse me just a minute?
Ah!
â™ª You know that we were meant â™ª
â™ª To be more than just friends... â™ª
(sharp inhale)
Can I see you in the bedroom a minute?
(sighs)
SHIRLEY: I just don't understand
why you didn't ask me to bring something.
Because you're a guest, Shirley.
I don't even know what this is.
I'll make soup. Soup we understand.
Shirley, you're a guest. You're our guest.
You're a guest.
-What is that? -Chicken soup.
Where did that come from?
I put it in the freezer last time I was here.
Oh, do you have any matzo meal?
Never mind, I have some in my purse.
I think I brought some...
Mmm.
Stop there.
I am not a violent man, Joel.
But if I were, I would take you upstairs to my apartment
and throw you out the window.
Do you know why I'm not throwing you out this window?
-No. -Because my window
is on a higher floor and I want to make sure it sticks.
-Abe... -No.
You do not call me Abe.
-What do I call you? -Nothing.
You call me nothing.
You don't talk to me or look at me.
If you see me on the street, you will cross the street,
whether or not there is a crosswalk present.
Your pedestrian safety is of no importance to me anymore.
-I... -You what? You're sorry?
You didn't mean to do what you did? It just happened?
You have children, Joel.
-You made promises. -I know.
(whispers): Ah, you stupid, stupid boy.
Where are you going to find a girl like Miriam again?
-Dinner's ready, Papa. -Uh-huh.
Can I help you with that?
Oh, uh, I've got it.
You look really beautiful tonight.
Well, I've got an armful of meat.
Yeah, that can't hurt.
We should probably figure out some logistics.
Logistics?
You have things here. Clothes.
I can pack them all up for you, if you'd like.
Okay... (sighs)
Can I come by and see the kids sometimes?
I'll take 'em out so I'm not here.
Of course. You're their dad.
They love you. We'll figure something out.
-We're sitting down, Shirley. -I know.
I just wanted to do one more thing...
You've done so much already.
Dinner, everyone. Move.
â™ª I won't know sweet music â™ª
â™ª Until you return â™ª
â™ª Someday. â™ª
Abe, I know this is your gathering,
but I'd like to take a moment to talk about family.
-Terrific. -I know we're going through
a rough, rough time, and I just want to
thank everyone for coming together tonight.
-Do you smell something burning? -Because by coming together
under these trying circumstances
we're showing future generations,
your Ethans, your Esthers, that in times of hardships,
self-sacrifice is often necessary.
Like the sacrifice I made pulling 13 Jews out of Germany
-in 1943. -ABE and MIDGE: Here we go.
I got that call, I didn't know who these people were,
I didn't know how to do it, I just knew there were
13 Jews that wanted out of Germany,
and I was the man to get them out.
At great cost. What I paid per head.
-Okay, time to eat. -MOISHE: Anyhow,
the other day, sitting in temple,
looking at all the empty seats next to us--
seats we paid for as a family--
I was filled with great sadness.
(exaggerated sigh)
Something wrong, Abe?
Seats I paid for, actually.
You were going to pay me back...
Oh, so it's about money.
I didn't realize you were hurting.
I'm not hurting.
I'm just saying we had an agreement.
Well, you seem to have a nice life,
you've got your lovely home,
you've got your servant here.
Zelda is not a servant, she's an employee.
-She's family. -Family, too.
And well-paid, with vacation time.
She went to Holland last year.
-Iceland. -Iceland. Better than Holland.
In ancient times, we were the slaves.
-We don't own slaves. -I don't own her!
Can we all just calm down, eat some soup?
This is ridiculous! Are we really just going to
sit here and pretend everyone's having a nice evening?
We're not having a nice evening.
Fine, then I'll say it. The separation--
this ridiculous breakup-- it's not going to happen.
This is not the place to have this conversation.
No one's talking to you.
What are you gonna do about it, Abe, hmm?
Going to let Miriam here just suddenly drift along
without a husband to protect her?
She's gonna do what with her life?
Sit around all day long eating bon-bons,
watching Queen For A Day.
-Is that what you want for her? -Of course not!
-That's what's gonna happen. -It's not!
-Is too! -I'm going back to school!
-What? -School?!
Everybody, please, just calm down, calm down.
All this anger and emotion is pointless.
The leaves said that the separation will not happen.
It's all going to end in peace and happiness.
Can I see you two in the bedroom a minute?
You swore to me you wouldn't see that crackpot anymore.
Drina's a friend, and she's very gifted.
She reads sediment. And you,
I told you to go get him back.
What?
I told you to fix your face,
put on a nice dress and get him back.
-What happened? -I...
You forgot how to fix your face?
-You couldn't find a dress? -No.
-Then what? -I don't want him here
if he doesn't want to be here.
Of course you do.
You want him here no matter what
he thinks or feels or wants.
-No. -Miriam,
because of you, we are stuck in this house with that man
and his bloviating and speeches.
And I have to say, if he talks about getting
those 13 Jews out of Germany one more time...
-Abe... -He brought them here
and stuck them in his factory.
They're all working there.
Is he paying these poor people?
Are there toilets for them? I've seen their faces.
I can't be sure of this, but one of them has a look like,
"I should have taken my chances back in Germany."
-Oh... -Papa.
He's a pompous ass! I said it.
Did you hear that? Is that the fridge?
Oh, God, she's going after the dessert.
-(door shuts) -Shirley!
(Abe sighs)
Are you really going back to school?
No.
What are you gonna do?
I don't know.
What's this for?
I don't know.
(door opens, shuts)
(inhales deeply)
(sniffing)
(Joel and Moishe arguing)
JOEL: Where we gonna go, huh?
MOISHE: I don't care, the street-- what do I care?
-Oh, God. -JOEL: Aw, you're bluffing.
MOISHE: I'm not bluffing.
This is not a bluff you want to call.
I'm doing nothing.
This is all you, my boy.
Are you crazy? It was a wedding gift.
What was a wedding gift?
A wedding gift to a married couple.
A gift for you and Miriam.
You say there's no longer a couple?
Fine, I'll take it back.
The apartment is in my name.
I can do what I want with it.
-He owns your apartment? -Why would you do this?
You say you want me out of your life.
Okay, I'm out of your life.
But I'm taking the apartment with me.
You're a real son of a bitch.
Joel. It-it's not true.
Tell me it's not true.
You going back to school, Miriam?
Take a business class.
'Cause the boy here doesn't know
-his ass from his elbows. -Hey, hey, we have neighbors.
He's fuckin' lousy with numbers.
You guys are broke. You're living hand to mouth.
Joel buys you flowers, they're from me.
-Joel... -You own nothing.
Your apartment is mine, his job is his uncle's, so mine.
He's provided nothing, he's saved nothing.
Joel, please talk.
You didn't tell her. Your wife, she didn't know.
-Toddlers, both of you. -Okay, get out of my house.
-Uh, you mean my house. -I don't care whose house it is!
Get out if it!
Let's be clear about it...
(all shouting)
Mosh, get out of here! I said get out, both of you!
Just stop... Just take him out of here...
-SHIRLEY: The happy family. -Shirley...
WOMAN: Wichita.
Wichita!
-Excuse me, Miss. -Ha!
Clothed in mendacity, Wichita.
Dripping... What the-- Come on.
Ya zhivu v bolshom dome na kholm.
That's Russian, motherfucker!
(audience "oohs")
And here we go.
I was a Russian literature major,
and that line was from a book,
or a poem-- I can't remember.
All I can remember is
Ya zhivu v bolshom dome na kholm,
which means, "I live in the large house on the hill."
That's funny.
That's really funny.
And the reason it's so funny is because
I used to live in the large house on the hill.
And now I live nowhere.
As of an hour ago, my address changed to "huh?"
-(laughter) -See,
my life completely fell apart today,
and here's why.
My father-in-law owns my house.
And he took it back when his son left me.
(audience reacts mildly)
Actually, that doesn't sound funny at all.
That sounds... awful.
Biblical, right?
Like, like it's Adam and Eve time,
and I marry Adam's son, Cain.
We get a nice little place, I think we're very happy,
and then one day Cain leaves me for,
I don't know, his brother Abel,
because there's only four fuckin' people
on the planet at this point.
And then Adam... Adam takes my house
and tells me to do jigsaw puzzles.
(laughter)
God, how did I not know it wasn't our house?
How stupid am I? I mean, I never thought to ask,
"Hey, in case you leave me for your secretary,
what's the situation with our deed?"
It's the bras, right?
It's the bras.
And the... the girdles and the corsets,
all designed to cut off the circulation to your brain,
so you walk around on the verge of passing out,
and you look at your husband, and he tells you things,
and you just believe them.
Like, like when you're a little girl,
and people say, "The princess lived in a magic castle
"for a hundred years.
"And then a prince climbed up the side,
"slayed a dragon, kissed her, woke her up,
and they lived happily ever after."
And you think... that's plausible.
(laughter)
Couple of details are fuzzy,
but sure, I'll buy that.
Later, you find out the prince's father owns the castle,
the prince's secretary knows shorthand,
and Sleeping Beauty's screwed.
(laughter)
You've heard about the shorthand girls?
These are girls whose skill in life
is not writing full sentences.
Meanwhile, I went to college to learn Russian.
And speaking of vodka, why don't they serve booze here?
I need a drink.
I need a stiff drink.
I need a drink so stiff I could blow it.
-Sorry, that's un-ladylike. -(laughter)
You look offended.
I don't mean to offend the delicate.
I-I used to be delicate. I was delightful.
I was a goddamn flower. I smelled like roses,
and sunshine shone out of my ass.
-(loud laughter) -What?
I said sunshine.
Hey, when you get home, check the name on your deed.
Oh, you are kidding me.
I know I must seem a bit angry
and deranged to you all right now, and I am.
I'll admit, I would like to repeatedly kick
every man in here in the balls
over the course of the next several hours.
I won't, though. I am still a lady.
And a lady never kicks men repeatedly in the balls
for longer than 20, 30 minutes tops.
Because then their girdles start to draw blood.
-(laughter) -All right, all right.
I told you about the language. You know the drill.
Officer Peluso...
Ladies and gentlemen, Officer Peluso!
He arrested me just the other night.
Come down from there right now or I'm coming up there.
Officer, sorry, I work alone.
Now, and apparently for the rest of my life.
I'm gonna count to five. One... (count continues)
That's the end of my show, folks. Tune in next week,
when my grandmother steals my pearls and fucks my boyfriend.
Five! Let's go, Peluso.
(cheering, whistling)
That's my client.
We charge for pictures now.
(cheering, applause continue)
(David Bowie's "Rebel Rebel" playing)
â™ª â™ª
â™ª Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo â™ª
â™ª You've got your mother in a whirl â™ª
â™ª She's not sure if you're a boy or a girl â™ª
â™ª Hey, babe, your hair's all right â™ª
â™ª Hey, babe, let's go out tonight â™ª
â™ª You like me and I like it all â™ª
â™ª We like dancing and we look divine â™ª
â™ª You love bands when they play it hard â™ª
â™ª You want more and you want it fast â™ª
â™ª They put you down, they say I'm wrong â™ª
â™ª You tacky thing, you put them on â™ª
â™ª Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress â™ª
â™ª Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess â™ª
â™ª Rebel Rebel, how could they know? â™ª
â™ª Hot tramp, I love you so â™ª
â™ª Don't ya â™ª
â™ª Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo â™ª
â™ª You've got your mother in a whirl â™ª
â™ª 'Cause she's not sure if you're a boy or a girl â™ª
â™ª Hey, babe, your hair's all right â™ª
â™ª Hey, babe, let's stay out tonight â™ª
â™ª You like me and I like it all â™ª
â™ª We like dancing and we look divine... â™ª