Where is my money?
Grandma?
Yeah, uh…
Let me just start by saying I am as mad about this as you are.
I knew it. You stole from me. My own daughter.
No, um, not me.
I mean, well, yes, me,
but, uh, I'm not even me right now,
and it wasn't even technically me, Nora.
It was actually-- it was this guy, Chez, uh,
Chez Carrera.
Uh, and let me just say, this guy is really on my shitlist too, Grandma.
Oh fuck.
A little early in the morning for Hungarian, huh?
Hmm?
All right, let me guess.
This is about how we were, um, Hungarians,
uh, big shots, intellectuals, uh,
then the Nazis came, stole everything,
put it on a gold train.
I know, I've heard it a million times before.
Hey, I guess we're just cutting out the middle mom now, right?
This and this.
This junk.
You do nothing but take and take.
Those coins were the only security we had--
For when Hitler comes back.
I know. I know.
Regimes change,
currencies become obsolete,
only gold remains, yeah.
We Vulvokovs exist in the sweet spot
where paranoia meets hyperinflation.
I've upset you.
Uh, hmm.
All right. Uh…
Hey, what's Hungarian for, uh, "In the end, it's just money,
we'll get through this together…"
Oh!
"…and the, uh, the baby is a chance for a new relationship"?
You had no right.
You cannot undo this. This is done.
You know, for you, yes.
For me, it's a little more loosey-goosey.
What's that "loosey-goose"?
Mmm.
Well, you know, just to say that, uh,
I'm on it, all right? I just need to find this motherfucker.
Such a disappointment.
All I went through.
You wouldn't have made it out alive.
My God.
That is a fucked up thing to say to your daughter, huh?
Ah…
You know what? Fuck all this. I was trying to be nice,
but let's not pussyfoot around the sick dynamics going on here.
You lorded that money over her head her entire fucking life, yeah?
Meantime, she cast you as the evil puppet-master
with herself as the victim head case.
Cut to the end of the story, it was meant to be my inheritance anyway.
Ipso facto, it's mine, conventionally, and by proxy, huh?
Not yours, not Mom's, mines.
Sorry to be a cunt.
Why are you talking like this? Cunt and fuck?
Noraleh…
…wait.
Don't go.
This…
this is fucked.
You know what, Vera?
I love you.
All this aside, it was great to see ya.
Seriously.
Peace out, all right?
How the fuck does anyone find anyone without the Internet around here?
-Good morning. -Good morning.
Touché, paper.
Terrific.
Okay, let's see.
For Carrera.
Carrera…
Chezare…
Does this motherfucker even exist?
Too cold for this shit.
You're coming with me.
His name is Chezare Carrera.
- Chezare Carrera? -Yeah.
Uh, incidentally, not the father of this baby.
Uh, also, not in the phone book. But so many Campbells.
A lot of Campbells. Anything else?
Do you know where he works? Does he have a job?
-Does he have a family? What's up? -Uh, I think he works robbing me.
Uh, I'm not sure you understand exactly what it is we do here.
Well, I don't need to.
Uh, do you know what a-- a Krugerrand is?
-I definitely don't, ma'am. -Yeah, it's pretty obscure.
Uh, it's a South African gold bullion.
Well, on average, you're looking at roughly $1800 an ounce.
Now granted, those are millennial prices,
but I don't want us to get off track here, Derek.
Cool. I'm still not sure where this is going.
My grandparents were holocaust survivors.
Wow, okay. I'm sorry to hear that.
-Well, that's not on you. -I know.
So anyway, after the war,
a lot of survivors became paranoid about putting their money in banks.
My grandmother, however,
well, she-- she acquired 150 of these bad boys.
-How much money are we talking? -Ah, great question.
Now, you see, the price of gold, it fluctuates, right?
So, on average, on a given day,
uh, last time I checked,
$280,451.21.
Shit.
-Oh that's big money. Okay. -Oh yeah, big money.
It would've been my college tuition and probably a racehorse.
-So anyway, you can see my predicament. -Yeah, I can see that.
Let me take everything you know about him,
and, uh, give me two or three weeks to track him down.
-Two to three weeks? -You know somebody who can do it faster?
Oh, well, not someone, somewhen.
Uh, I got a little tool called the World Wide Web.
That sounds nefarious.
Oh, you have no idea.
Anyway, uh, we tried.
Thank you so much.
-Keep the phone book. -Sure.
Yeah, I can't take it where I'm going.
Well, shouldn't carry much anyway.
-Yeah. -Watch yourself getting out.
-Oh sure. Thanks. -Here you go.
-Careful. Coming through. -You be careful getting upstairs.
-All right. Adios. -Have a good night. Get home safe.
Weird-ass person.
Lot of problems.
Ah, what do we got here?
All right, I'm coming. I'm coming, assholes.
Jesus. Why don't these fuckers give me time?
Hey. Okay, bada-bing.
I'm working on a new piece in which I give my audience a knife
and I dare them to divide my body up into zones.
It's called "The 38th Parallel."
Splendid.
Oh, thank you.
White meat or dark meat?
Oh, you girls go ahead.
Max thinks borders are an oppressive delusion,
like the stock market.
No, we've always needed boundaries
to understand where we end and others begin.
It's not always splitting the baby.
But when it comes to the Korean War, I am the baby.
Mmm.
Ruthie! Back on top.
Uh, I'm so sorry that I did not make it back last night.
Crazy, crazy next-level shit went down.
Found the Valium.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now look, I'm just gonna go lie down for a bit.
You just leave the dishes.
-Come on, I'll help you upstairs. -Oh, bless you.
Thank--
-Ruthie. -Thank you.
-Are you okay? -I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm okay.
You have to be careful with this stuff.
Betty Ford was addicted to it.
Yeah, as was every other woman in suburbia.
-And listen, as you know, I treated them. -Oh yeah?
-Where were you? -Who did you treat?
Ah!
Uh…
Would you believe me if I said I picked up this guy at the Public Enemy
and ended up almost fucking my dead mother's boyfriend?
Yes, I would. That's kind of the issue.
-Nemo…
…the doctors were very concerned.
They found a lump in her neck.
They did a fine-needle aspiration and a chest X-ray.
And it's a little weird, no? You chasing Ruth's ambulance?
Fetishizing death is not incompatible with genuinely caring.
I know this is difficult.
I did six months as a puppeteer in hospice.
She's not dying, Maxine.
Anyway, soon, I'll be able to afford all the best doctors
and all the classiest X-rays.
I mean, I love Ruth. She knows that.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Huh.
The Bronx, baby.
-Open up.
Hey. Hello.
You're two hours past your window.
You're not the cable guy.
Ring-a-ding-a-ling-a-bell?
Yeah.
Google and I did a deep dive on you.
-What? -Excuse me.
-Ex-- What? -Coming through. Choo-choo.
Aye. Yeah.
Excuse me. What can I do for you?
Besides screwing me and my dead mother, both of which you've already done?
What?
If you're trying to remember, her name was Nora.
Nadia?
Ah-ha!
Oh, wow. Of course I remember.
Nora was a good person.
We had a good run.
Oh yeah. Yeah, a great run.
And at the finish line, I got the medal, right?
But only one.
This is about the gold?
Oh my God, kid, look around.
I haven't got your money.
I'm not exactly, uh, King Midas.
You know, if I was you, I would drop the whole thing.
Really.
Uh, look, man, I didn't really come here to have the thief
give me advice on getting back my family inheritance.
No, what I mean is, it's a Coney Island.
What do you mean? The last stop on the D train?
In our house, a Coney Island
is the thing that would've made everything better,
if only it had happened,
or didn't happen.
My father couldn't work.
He got sick with polio and wound up in an iron lung.
Now, if only he hadn't gone to Coney Island that summer,
he wouldn't have gotten the airborne polio.
But he did.
It's a fantasy.
It's an "if only."
Your mom and me and the gold…
it was all a Coney Island.
Hmm.
Wow.
That's a lovely story,
and I'm sorry to hear about all that polio.
But now, I'm done playing footsie.
What I wanna know is, where you went after you stole the gold.
Specifics, please.
Jesus Christ. I'm trying to be a decent person.
Bullshit.
If she'd wanted you to know, she would've told ya.
Okay?
May I ask you something about your mom?
She ever move away?
She ever get to be her own person?
You know, that was her-- That was her thing.
Oh, you like squash?
I was the, uh, Bowery Rec Center champion three years in a row.
I'm a little rusty, but, uh…
I still got quads like a stallion.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Legs are the bicycles on the ride of life.
Thanks a lot, Chezare.
A real dirtbag, huh?
Real fucking dirtbag.
It's nice to see you.
This is downtown local 6 train
to Brooklyn Bridge approaching the station.
Next stop, Astor Place.
Membership card?
Oh.
Oh, would you let, uh, Mr. Lincoln exercise here?
You can get a day pass for $3.75.
Okay, great. Can I get one of those then, please?
Oh man!
Oh.
-Uh, hello. Good morning, everyone, uh-- -We're in the middle of a game.
Uh, do you guys know, uh, Chez Carrera?
You one of Chez's girls?
Well, sure. Yes. Very cool.
He'll turn up.
He put a bun in that oven?
Oh, wow, so you guys just really don't know how sperm work, huh?
What are you talking about?
Men don't make women pregnant, sperm are weak.
They only get the job done when the egg beams them up to the Federation Starship
and then you make a baby. Uh--
What would you guys know with your tight little 1982 gym shorts?
Really, it's a little titty twister, but for dicks, huh?
Okay, haven't had coffee yet. Good day to you.
-It must be fun, man.
Chez is into some shit.
Hey, Allison. How you doing?
Still me.
Don't sell my autograph.
Hey, knock-knock, you little bitch.
Jesus, Nora.
You can't be in here.
Well, you see, I may look like Nora, but I don't play games.
Just last night, I murdered a rock,
I injured a stone, I hospitalized a brick.
I'm so mean I make medicine sick.
Okay.
Uh, you're Muhammad Ali now?
Last night, I got in bed, the lights were still on,
got back out of bed, hit the light,
got back in bed before the light turned out. That's quick.
I'm bad quick.
And I fight Mr. Tooth Decay.
So where are my fucking Krugerrands?
Shh! What is going on with you? You're doing this again.
-What do you mean, "again"? -You did this already.
-Huh? -You got the money last night.
Nora, you came over and got your money back last night.
You got a little more than that, actually.
I don't believe you.
You're a liar,
so you're even lying to me now, or you lied to me 40 years from now
when you didn't tell me that Nora got the money back.
What are you talking about, "40 years from now"?
What's going on here? What happened to your face?
You happened.
Last night.
I kind of enjoyed it.
-Oh yeah?
-Yeah. -What happened?
What, you playing rubbing privates? Yeah?
-Well, uh… -Yeah?
Where's my money now?
I gave you your money back last night.
-What did you do with it? Where is it? -Uh, I don't know.
Oh shit.
-What? -Of course. She bought the car.
-Are we still on for tonight?
Uh, I hope not. But knowing my mom, then, you know, probably.
Come on. Of course, yeah.
Typical.
Good old Alpha.
Classic move, Mom.
Sorry, Nora.
It looks like Santa's gotta take your little Spider back to the North Pole.
What the--
Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's my mom's stuff.
Hey, sorry, lady, this is my-- my stuff.
Your mother says no more paying for the apartment, the clothes.
No more, just the baby.
She'll take care of you because you are the mother of the baby.
Huh?
Oh, actually, the baby of the mother, but, uh, let's not get into it.
Why did you steal this gold, Nora?
It was so important to her.
So much more than just coins.
Look, man, I'm really sorry, you know? I'm trying to fix it.
Your family had so much life in Budapest,
and then one day,
poof, nothing.
No one left.
But you show her survival no respect.
Look, uh…
of course I respect my grandmother survived.
Why do you disgrace this enchantment?
Oh my God, Jesus Christ. I mean, what is this, the occult?
We're Ashkenazi Jews, not wizards.
Yes, uh, this is translation problem.
Not enchantment.
Miracle.
An impossible thing happened to Vera, and you stole it.
What impossible thing?
Nora.
Ugh, Ruth.
Ruth? Uh--
Holy shit, Ruthie.
Look at this. Eat your heart out, Melanie Griffith.
Okay, stop. I've been trying to track you down all day.
I'm-- I'm right here.
I tried to pay her off, but…
-I don't come cheap. -Delia.
Mm-hmm.
-How are you? -I mean…
-A widow has to worry about you. -A widow?
She has her own problems,
and she's running to the phone every five minutes to find you.
It's okay, Delia.
Keeps me on my toes.
I don't mind.
Uh, you know how to drive stick?
Do I know how to drive stick?
Okay. Yeah.
Sounds like a yes, okay?
Look, yeah, really, you're gonna have so many husbands.
Nora, I'm mourning.
God, you really were a great driver, Ruthie.
-What? -I said, it's good to see you smile.
-Oh God, this car is fun to drive. -Yeah.
And you are absolutely right to return it.
It's the responsible thing to do. I am proud of you.
-Ah!
Can I ask you a question, Ruthie?
Uh, what is wrong with my mom?
-Your mom? -Yeah.
Um, she went through stuff we can't even imagine.
Auschwitz.
I don't think we'll ever get inside her head.
Or she was born that way.
Nature versus nurture. But can we stop talking about this?
I don't love yelling "Auschwitz" in a car dealership.
Well, who does?
You know, tell you what it actually is.
Epigenetics.
Yeah. Nature versus nurture doesn't exist.
You know who came up with that scam?
Francis Galton,
the founder of eugenics.
-What? -Eugenics.
Nora.
Look at you, sprightly little thing.
You look so gorgeous.
Look at this. Turns out I'm the Norm of this, uh, Cheers.
Eh.
Okay, nothing. Too soon.
Well, all you really need to know is he's a cutie-pie alcohol abuser
in a loveless marriage, eh.
And I would like to return one car, please.
Oh, you just bought it. Is there some kind of problem?
Oh, all kinds of problems.
-Oh. -Yeah, all kinds.
-It's a real change of heart.
Nora, you're here all the time. You've wanted this so long.
I just hate to see you--
Well, I am her therapist, and this is all under my direction.
Well, I was just trying to be nice. I don't need a doctor's note.
Uh, the car depreciates in value the moment it's off the lot,
so I'm obligated to deduct a percentage.
Of course you are.
Well, just a smidge.
Wait, I paid for this in cash? I figured I would have paid in gold.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
Yeah. Well, fingers crossed, it's all going in a trust for baby Nadia.
You're naming the baby after me?
-Well, that's a letdown.
-Okay. All right. I guess we're done here.
Hey, uh, let's check the trunk.
Jesus fucking sable fest.
Well, even Imelda Marcos can't keep all the shoes.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, wherever she bought these furs, they got the coins.
They're damaged.
I'll take the return, but I can't give you full price.
Makes sense. Typical.
Uh, all right, great. Well, we're all negotiators,
so, uh, there you go.
Big business, cash money.
Can I get my Krugerrands back now?
That's it?
Well, for what you gave me, yeah, that's it.
You're business owners, I get it.
But I'm sorry to inform you there's been an error.
These Krugerrands have been brought here by mistake.
-Mistakes? It's half our business.
Listen to me, I need those coins. They're meant to be for my daughter,
uh, you know, to give her something real
to make up for all the things I can't give her,
which is, uh, a lot.
There's a lot of things. I'm talking basic life skills, etcetera.
Oh no, here we go.
Always a sob story.
Do you need a bag?
What?
Jesus, look, I-- I need all of those, all right?
If my mom does not have all of those,
she won't make it.
She won't function.
I know this for a fact.
He's gone anyway, right?
Yeah, that'll work.
Goodnight. Hail Satan.
Thanks, Ruthie.
Well, yeah, the ring, it's too big of a sacrifice.
I don't deserve it. No.
I don't deserve you, Ruthie.
Oh, no one deserves what they get in life. That's not how it works.
You know? What's the ring to me?
Sorry to be morbid, but it's a promise from a dead man, and I would--
I would rather be alive with you.
Hear, hear to that.
Listen, you and me, we got a long, long ways to go, all right?
-Hmm. -I'm basically like an oracle,
just so you know.
-Are you? -Yeah. Basically.
Speaking of the future,
uh,
enough with the, you know…
You gotta stop fucking smoking, man. You gotta stop smoking.
Says the pregnant woman.
The baby loves smoking.
Me, I'm fine. I got cryogenics, what have you, you know,
but you, uh…
-Oh yeah? -Yeah.
Well, up yours.
Also, I want you to start investing some money, okay?
I'm talking real money.
If you wanna make money, put in some Tyson Foods, Grainger,
Illinois Tool Works, Apple products--
Nora. Nora! Nora.
I know you're trying to make me feel better,
but I need you to stop working so hard, okay?
-All right? -What did I do?
I just need you to be right here with me.
Right here, right now.
Can you do that?
Okay?
-Right here? -Please.
Hi, this is Nora, start talking.
Hey.
Nora.
Uh, don't freak out. It's me, your daughter,
calling you from somewhere on the space-time continuum
on the Upper East Side.
Uh,I'm inside your body, so that explains the voice,
but don't be spooked by that, be cool.
Uh…
Yeah. So I guess I just wanna say hi,
and that I'm--
I'm really mad at you.
Uh, yeah, you just--
You mess up over and over,
and it's just pretty fucking hard to take, and, uh…
Of course, you'll probably wind up with Chez for a couple years.
Uh, yeah, lo-- lower companions,
water seeks its own level, etcetera.
And, uh, I don't know, good-- good for you.
Better than being alone, I guess.
Uh, so anyway, uh…
I'm bringing the gold back to Vera where it belongs to…
I don't know, close this deranged fucking loop and bounce.
Um…
I hope that this can be a second chance for you guys,
and that you don't just destroy things.
So, uh…
Yeah, okay.
Uh, I love you.
I tried my best. All right, yeah, bye.
Fucking-- This is why they invented cell phones.
Alan!
Did somebody take my bag?
Did you see who took my bag?
Yo, did you take my bag?
Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!