You think he's gonna propose? Ugh, what a bummer.
Okay, yeah. I'll talk to you later.
Hey.
Welcome to yesterday.
I'm so glad you made it. And look at that, great posture.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Not a lot of people at this party can say that.
-Come on, I'll show you around. -It's a cool place.
Why do you think this is happening to us?
I'm-- I'm pretty sure that it's purgatorial punishment
for being a bad person.
What is this bad person?
I mean, you know, there's Hitler and then there's, uh, everybody else.
Even Wile E. Coyote.
Yeah, he's out there. He's looking for a hot meal.
-Are you having a stroke? -No. Uh...
That guy that Beatrice cheated on me with, he's here.
-Don't look. -Just take it easy, all right?
Point him out later, and I'll bust his fucking knee caps, okay?
But for now, you and me got bigger fish to fry. Life and death stuff, huh.
-Geez. -Eh.
What is that?
My new theory is that it's an incredibly dense gravitational field
that's gaining consciousness and is now deliberately fucking with us.
Kind of the black hole meets They Shoot Horses, Don't They?
Yeah, my bathroom doesn't have a black hole, so...
This isn't gonna be very fun if you keep rejecting my theories.
You rejected mine.
Yeah, because it was morally simplistic and narcissistic.
I mean, the universe is moral, but it shares your views on morality.
We'll try your way.
Oh, great.
What were you doing in there
Uh, have I ever done anything, you know, memorably bad to either of you?
Yeah, you said I shouldn't adopt those two Neapolitan mastiff puppies
'cause I have a small space,
but they needed a home and I could've made some changes.
Okay. Do you want to get in on this?
Oh, no, no. I love that you're a cunt. It makes me feel morally superior.
Okay, that's a good way to not judge people.
Is there anything else?
-Yeah. -Who?
-Gina. -Okay.
When you said Gina wasn't really my type, I really took that to heart.
I mean, if it weren't for you, I'd be married. I'd be living upstate.
I'd be raising two mastiffs. I'd have a completely different life.
-Shall we open it up to the group? -Yeah, that's a great idea.
Okay, okay. No problem.
Ding dong.
Gather 'round, gather 'round.
Great to see you and you and also you. Okay, so hi.
Me from the party.
I just want to say...
thank you all so much for coming to celebrate tonight.
What good people. Uh...
It means a lot to me,
and something else that also means a lot to me
would be if you would tell me if you think I'm a bad person,
or maybe I've committed some serious misdeeds,
and you could come and talk to me about that tonight
would be super fucking hot. Okay?
For my birthday, tell me if I'm a bad person.
Okay, cool.
-Uh, thank you so much, Nadia. -Thank you.
I would like to dedicate this night to Chong, my uncle,
who also had a hard time saying thank you.
To Chong.
-Love you, Chung. -Chong.
-Chong. Chong.
This is why she's acting like this.
Okay, check it out.
I gave everybody here an opportunity to tell me I'm a bad person.
Nobody did it because I fucking rule, so... there goes your theory.
-Hey. -Hey.
It's been a while.
Yeah, I guess for you it has, huh?
You look-- You look real fantastic.
Well, I wear the same thing all the time.
Hey, man.
-Hey. -I'm John.
Oh, this is Alan.
He's basically a child that the universe has tasked me with babysitting.
-Would you say that's a fair assessment? -Sure.
Uh...
Speaking of kids, how's Lucy?
She's doing great. She just won the Gwendolyn Brooks prize
for her poem on the Statue of Liberty.
That is great. Lucy is great.
John and I were a thing for a year.
How do you know she's great? You never met her.
I mean, you were supposed to meet her, but you backed out.
She backed out, new guy.
I had every intention of meeting her, all right?
I just, uh... overslept.
I even had a book I was gonna give her. Emily of New Moon.
I love that book.
Why'd you even bring her up though?
You're supposed to ask people about their kids. Okay?
It's polite. It gives everybody a moment to pretend there's gonna be a future.
-I'm gonna get a seltzer. -Okay.
Oh, hey, they have alcohol over there too, so...
No, no, no, no, no. That's his deal.
He's like sober, white-knuckling it so he doesn't drink.
That's why he's such an asshole.
Oh, I thought it was because you were pissing him off.
Alan, sexualizing self-hatred is the hallmark of any relationship
that begins with extra-marital infidelity.
You skipped out on meeting his daughter and you broke up his marriage?
With the amount of guilt, I'm surprised you're not a Jew.
Thanks, man.
-What? -Let's do it.
Let's meet Lucy.
I wanted you to meet her when we were together.
Please?
Okay.
I have breakfast with her every Monday and Friday.
Tomorrow morning then.
Thank you.
I think there's a lot of merit in copying.
I'm interested in plagiarism as an art form.
But haven't you wondered why visual art
no longer carries the weight it did 30 years ago?
-I've literally never wondered that. -The internet.
AIDS.
The AIDS crisis, it wiped out nearly every meaningful critical voice in every medium.
So now, the artist's intention is buried in a sea of likes and thumbs up.
But if the intention's still there...
If it's clear, it doesn't matter what the critic thinks.
What are you, a collector?
I don't really understand art.
My dad used to say that I don't have a single creative bone in my body.
So we're talking about your dad now.
I'm really into dads.
-I'm a dad. -Ah.
-You want a refill? -Yes, Dad.
You keep that, I'll get another one.
I'm not really good at this stuff.
You seem to be so comfortable with yourself.
Bringing up AIDS at a party.
-I'd never have the balls to do that.
Is that what she likes about you?
I'll tell you what.
If you would politely excuse yourself...
I might be able to find out.
Thank you.
Pancake breakfasts...
private cars...
You know, all my mother gave me was a subway token and an eating disorder.
You're a good dad.
She's gonna be great.
But, you know, it's a tricky age.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I was right about that age when life stopped making sense.
Hey, all I wanted to do was be left alone, hole up with books all day.
Man, you know what?
I still got Emily of New Moon at Ruth's house.
I think I should just go grab it and give it to her. Ah?
It's late. How about we give it to her another time?
Come on, man. I'd like to do it tonight.
She's just fucking everybody, and I'm watching like an idiot.
Sorry.
What time is it?
00 a.m.
Oh, my gosh.
I'm gonna go to Ruth's and get that book for Lucy, okay?
-I'll see you at breakfast. -Okay, babe.
You okay?
My bones hurt every morning.
You should get checked for Lyme disease.
Damn it.
God.
-Hey, did you find it? -Yes.
Way in the back of the armoire.
Ooh.
Ah, thank you.
Okay.
You know I keep all your stuff.
I even have the Valentine's Day card you made me in fourth grade.
I mean, your mother was a little unstable around that time,
and oh, I told her, I told her,
I'm not trying to replace anyone.
I'm just trying to be here
for a little girl who could use a little help.
It was the decent thing to do.
Sure.
Oh, oh, oh. Did you lock the door behind you?
Yes, I did.
Hey, Ruth, if you were gonna die today,
would you be ready for it?
Like would you feel at peace with your life?
Yes and no.
So, how do you get to just yes?
You don't.
See, holding two incompatible ideas in your head at the same time
and accepting both of them...
that's the best of being human.
Yes, no, good, bad, life, death.
Wax on, wax off.
Tomato, tomato.
-Potato, two potatoes. -Okay.
-All night, all day. -Okay, okay, okay.
-Okay, okay. -Right?
-Okay, okay. -Come on.
Look. Right now,
I'm looking at you as you are today
while also looking at you as that peculiar little girl I knew.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh! There it is.
Well...
I may not be a mom,
but, hey, damn, I got this.
-Mm-hmm. -Uh-huh.
Look, she's smoking, like you. Get it?
And St. Valentine was a big smoker. Everybody knows that.
Oh, yeah.
Fucking bingo.
It's here.
You know, that was written by the same woman that wrote Anne of Green Gables.
Yeah, of course.
Everybody loves Anne,
but I like Emily.
She's dark.
-You lock the door behind you? -Yes.
You already asked me that, Ruthie.
Oh, I know. My memory's slipping.
There's-- There's somebody in the neighborhood.
I am making you tea.
But, personally, I wouldn't touch the stuff.
"She despised Rhoda...
more than ever for trying to get back with her."
You know, Rhoda was the cunt in this story, obviously.
Here we are.
Fucking God damn it, man.
-Gas explosion. -Bike accident.
Listen, I know you think I'm a moral narcissist,
but there are good guys and bad guys.
And I am definitely a good guy.
And that piece of shit, he...
he is a bad guy.
Okay, so then why are you the one in purgatory?
Hey, happy birthday.
John.
Quelle surprise.
So, listen. Uh, remember when I stood up Lucy
and you've been secretly resenting me ever since?
Let's take her to breakfast tomorrow morning,
make everything kosher copacetic, okay?
We can go to my place.
Let's take the fire escape.
It'll be fun.
What's that?
-Come on. -Whoa.
You gotta stop getting so worked up over him.
You've spent enough time on this guy already.
I know it's a bummer, but come on.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, it is a bummer.
It is a bummer for everybody involved,
except, it seems, to be for you,
which, you know, doesn't make any sense,
because if anybody deserves to be punished
for the rest of their fucking life, it is you.
You are fucking garbage,
and someone needs to bag you up,
take you outside, throw you into the East River,
and put everyone who can smell your fucking stench
out of their goddamn misery!
God!
Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey!
-Yeah! -Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
I don't know who the fuck you are, I don't know what's going on here,
but either you two suck each other's dicks or get out of my apartment.
Okay? Come on.
I'm not sucking anybody's dick.
Bea, he's a sex addict.
-Who? -Michael. Mike. Your Mike. Your Michael.
Alan, you're so fucking drunk right now. I'm not gonna do this with you.
-I am not, okay? -Bea, he's a sex addict.
Don't bother calling me back, 'cause you're not gonna be sober.
-You need help. -Please, Bea.
-Gas explosion again. -Again?
I get hit by a car.
Oh, classic.
Hey, wait a second.
Are you telling me that you're never dying on the stairs?
No.
Are you some kind of a fucking superhero or just a...
Do you think that we're dying at the same time?
Hey, happy birthday.
Give me one second.
-Up with Susan? -Yeah, 'cause she was like doing that.
-What? -She was choking her during sex.
Oh!
Yeah, she's a choker and shit.
Yeah.
It's kind of hot.
I mean, it is kind of hot, but then the stalking started.
-That's not hot. -Yeah.
This guy's been following us for like five blocks.
What the hell are you even--
Back the fuck up, motherfucker!
I said back the fuck up, motherfucker! Back the fuck up, motherfucker! Back up!
Let's go! Let's go!
Three-one-one, you guys rock.
Listen, uh, I'd like to report a gas leak.
Yeah.
Yes, it is urgent.
Uh-huh.
You know, it's a big-time fucking emergency, actually.
Nadia!
Oh, God. Look at me. Look at--
Oh! Nadia, no! Honey, please!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I thought it was a burglar.
They've been saying there's somebody in the neighborhood.
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck.
You think he's gonna propose?
That's a bummer.
Yeah.
That's right.
Hi. I'm Alan.
-Yeah, I'm on the phone. -Yeah, with my girlfriend.
Beatrice.
Bea, uh... I'm gonna-- I'm gonna call you back.
-Listen. -Why you?
Why me what?
Bea.
She chose you, and you don't love her. You're not faithful.
You never get punished.
So why you?
She didn't choose me, Alan.
The only choice she made was not you.
Nobody chooses me.
I'm the hole where a choice should be.
Oh, God. Alan.
I had a mace-induced asthma attack. You?
What if they keep going?
Who -Them.
I mean, everyone who's not us.
All right, I thought that what was happening to us
wasn't hurting anybody else, but...
...I mean, they're all in it, too.
What?
Fifteen times, Ruth has grieved for me.
In 15 universes, she's alone.
Wait. It's 15 for you, too
I know how to count, Alan.
Hey, happy birthday.
Hey. Okay, listen to me.
We are leaving, and I am not going to get the book.
I'm going to tell your daughter about Emily of New Moon.
-Understand? -Yeah.
-Can you help me with this? -Sure.
Sorry, I gotta make a call.
-What the fuck? -Oh, my God.
You want me to feel guilty?
Well, I don't.
I am not Beatrice's boyfriend. That was your job.
Look, I know it's not up to me to punish you.
But I don't have to make this easy for you.
Who is Beatrice I don't care.
Listen, I have an early flight to Sweden in the morning,
so you need to get out so I can get it in.
Whatever.
If it wasn't you, it would be some other woman.
Do I look like I care?
-I-- I wasn't trying to insult you, ma'am. -Fuck you.
She told me all about you, you know?
That you have mental problems, that you're sick and you won't get help,
and she couldn't break up with you
because she was afraid you would do something.
She calls you the gingerbread man.
She can call me whatever she wants.
I'll be right back, okay?
There she is.
John, man.
This kid just gave me the finger.
She's perfect.
Luce, say hi.
Say hi, baby. Say hi.
Pancake time.
Okay, John.
-Be careful. -With what?
What's wrong?
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
-Do what? -I can't meet her.
I could die in front of her, John.
-Die? -Yes.
-What are you gonna die from? -I don't know. The grate.
A car could run me over. I mean, best case scenario, I...
...disappear.
Don't do this. Okay, please, I'm begging you.
Don't do this to her.
I can't have people coming in and out of her life like this.
Exactly, all right? I'm not rejecting her. I'm protecting her.
Don't do this to her, please. Okay? Don't do it to me.
I'm begging you. I love you. Please don't do this.
Just come and say hi. Just say hi.
I wish I could. I really do.
I wish I could, okay?
Sorry. I'm sorry about everything.
All right? I got to go. I got to go.
Is cyanide sweet, though?
Is that why Jim Jones put it in the Kool-Aid?
So the kids can't taste it?
Jonestown was bonkers.
-Right? -Yeah.
But it's huge. I don't know.
Wait, nothing we do will be as devastating as that.
-Mm-hmm. -Maybe...
I should start a religion.
Come on, man.
Please don't be fucking dead.
Fuck.
Yay. Uh...
I'd like to report a gas leak... every fucking day, please.
Every day I'd like to report a gas leak.
Sorry for cursing. It's Ruth Brenner.
B.R.E.N.N.E.R, 311 East 12th.
Thank you.
Hey.
Did you die
No.
-I think we're dying at the same time.