Ay ay ay.
Oh, God.
Okay, I can do this.
Oh, a fuck pile.
A guy peeing.
Oh, what the hell?
Listen, has anything weird happened to you in this bathroom? Like...
This. This is a little weird.
Touché.
Fucking clues abound.
All right, fuck this.
Ain't no problem. No problem.
Here we go. Downsy-wounsy.
Old buildings are never good.
Haunted castle.
Okay.
It's-- It's not the ketamine. It's the fucking yeshiva.
Oh, hello. Lovely cart.
Uh, do you happen to know about the history of this building?
The Jewish people
Fucking fire escape.
Everyone. Everyone has opened up their marriage.
I wish I had a marriage to open up.
-You won't. -You're so mean.
-Get rid of Opening Up. -No.
Can I get it on Kindle?
I don't want to do a podcast.
I don't think you listen to podcasts the way I do.
There's so many and they're--
-Hey, hey, hey. -Hi.
Hi.
All right, so, uh, yes, this building is a yeshiva,
but have you ever you ever noticed that there is an inscription over the door
that is incredibly, highly creepy?
-Mmm. -What does it mean?
Don't you know? You're Jewishy.
No, not by choice.
Hey, come on. Religion is dumb as fuck, all right?
It's racist. It's sexist.
There's no money in it... anymore.
Who needs it?
Maxine, come on. Help me out. What does this say?
Um, I can't see what you're showing me
30 and John wants his blanket back.
This fucking guy.
You know, he put his coat over me while I was sleeping,
and I'm like, "Don't do shit like that, man."
You know, it's been six months.
You don't do that. I could have bed bugs.
I forgot that you're turned off by chivalry, but it's sweet.
Yeah, well, so is cyanide.
Is cyanide sweet, though?
Is that why Jimmy Jones used it in the Kool-Aid,
so the kids can't taste it?
Jones sounds bonkers. Have you seen those pictures?
They're amazing. Maybe that should be our next installation.
-Yes! -Right? Something Jonestown.
-Maybe I should start a religion. -Okay.
Then I could really make an impact.
Okay, big ideas. Look at this.
Dolores Huerta.
Eighty-seven years old. I mean...
Do you even understand how much time you have left, Maxine?
Yeah.
I mean, you're gonna do fucking huge things. Huge.
Thanks.
Oh, I didn't know you cared about stuff like this.
Oh. Well, I don't really. Look.
-What does this say? -I don't know.
The congregation that used to own this building.
Yep, that's them.
And they're still around. I think on 14th Street.
Fuck yes.
Dolores Huerta.
Hey! Shabbat shalom.
It's not Shabbat.
Fine by me. Hi.
I'm Nadia.
Sorry I'm a little out of breath. I was just grabbing you a mango.
Do you like mango?
It was on the way, sort of, so...
Sure, take it.
What's your name?
Shifra.
Hi, Shifra.
I was wondering if I could ask you about one of these synagogue's properties.
It's the old yeshiva on 10th and A. It's a bunch of lofts now.
Oh, before my time. The rabbi might know, but--
-Oh, thank you so much. -Oh, no, no, no.
The rabbi is getting ready to go to Great Neck.
He's giving a speech. It's kind of a big deal.
So I'm afraid he doesn't have time for you.
That's fine. I don't mind Great Neck. I love Great Neck.
Well, it's a problem for him because he doesn't have time for you, okay?
So why don't you come back another day? Make an appointment.
See, here's the thing. Uh...
I think I might only have the day that the rabbi goes to Great Neck.
I'm not just gonna let you go in and see the rabbi.
Not just some single woman off the street.
What, you-- you think I'm gonna try to sleep with the rabbi?
I don't know what you're capable of trying.
For the record, I happen to be a heavily married woman.
Wonderful.
-It is. -Why don't you bring your husband by?
-And he can speak to the rabbi. -Okay.
-Okay? -Okay.
-He can speak to the rabbi. -Not a problem.
-Well, I'm ordering a car. -Okay.
Hi. I'd like to order a car.
45.
Thank you.
-Hey. -Hey, poppy cock.
-Thanks for picking up. -It was nice seeing you last night.
Yeah, well, you know, hocus pocus.
Thanks to you, I got a chance to wear my trench coat today. I look like Columbo.
-Oh. No one's mad at Peter Falk, right? -Sure.
Uh...
I-- I need your help. Uh...
I'll explain when you get here.
Well, you know, I have a real estate mystery/emergency.
I can't. I'm actually walking into a client meeting like in ten minutes.
For what? Uh...
To sell some New York landmark to a Russian billionaire
who needs a dorm room for a parrot?
-Okay, that's not entirely fair. -Ah, so you admit it's a little fair.
Hey, listen, if you get over here, I'll give you a blowjob.
If I come down there, you'll give me a blowjob?
I would suck your cock anyway,
but if you come down here, it'll give it a transactional nature
that I think would be a fun twist.
Okay. Which precinct?
Uh, I'm not at a precinct, all right?
I'm actually at a synagogue on, uh, 14th street.
-Bishulim Synagogue. -This better not be a hate crime.
Thank you.
Shalom, shalom!
Let's move it.
This is a place of worship. This means something to me.
I was raised Catholic.
Right, but you fuck like a Jew.
-That is not a bad thing. -Really?
All right, I have this list of questions for the rabbi, okay?
Shifra.
Hey.
Look who it is. It's my husband, John.
I don't see a ring.
Look.
Between us, I'm 36, no kids, lots of fibroids.
Plus, I've got this thing just stuck in my hair.
I brought you a man.
Can you just... help me out a little?
Just so you know, I'm not Jewish, but I am circumcised.
Well, 50-50.
I have fibroids, too.
Come in, come in. Sit down.
-Who are you? -John Reyes.
Lutz and Reyes Real Estate.
I just have a couple of questions about the old yeshiva on Tenth and A.
Oh. I went to school there.
My first memory's hiding under a desk.
It was supposed to protect us from the atomic bomb blast.
Can you believe it?
What's on that paper?
Um...
Are there any history of hauntings in the building?
Supernatural events, the dead coming back to life, things of that nature?
You said you were in real estate?
I, uh-- I've been watching you, Shifra.
I got to tell you, I don't think your heart is in this place.
-Excuse me? -You heard me.
-I mean, do you even know the prayers? -Yes, I know the prayers.
All right. Uh...
What's the prayer for drinking wine, huh?
Borei pri hagafen.
Okay, too easy.
Uh...
What about for protecting someone in danger
I know the prayers.
Like, if a person could die. How does that go?
Come sit.
My ex found out about her and she threw me out.
My daughter thinks I'm an asshole.
I really thought I wanted to be with Nadia,
who turned around and said that was too much pressure...
-which hurt. -Listen.
Mysticism teaches that there is wisdom inaccessible to the intellect.
You can only reach it through surrender, being nothing.
Turn away from the physical world and turn toward the spiritual one.
Maybe Nadia is just a way to stay distracted,
avoid the abyss,
when embracing it is the only way forward.
Right.
And that building she's asking about isn't really haunted?
Buildings aren't haunted.
People are.
-What does that mean? -Angels are all around us.
You can't drink that.
Ah.
Correct.
It's undrinkable.
Listen, uh, thank you for the prayer. I appreciate it.
I mean, it won't do anything, but, uh, you know, thanks.
Shifra.
-Rabbi, thank you very much. -You're welcome.
We're done here. Let's go.
John, John, John, come on. Just stop. You know I'll catch up with you, John.
John!
What was that about
What were those questions
Did you kill someone?
God. Seriously? Come on. No, I did not kill somebody.
If I killed somebody, I'd play it cool, move to Mexico, start a band.
Then what is the problem?
Will you just tell me what the rabbi said?
No, no, no. It's been six months. I kept my distance. I gave you your space.
Then I get a text inviting me to your birthday party.
-Maxine invited you. -A transactional blowjob
with a side of rabbi. What is going on with you?
-Do you want to know? -Yes.
I can't tell you, okay?
There's too many moving parts. You know what I mean?
It's a lot of ins and outs, so...
I blew up my life, and that's not on you.
But if you could acknowledge that it happened, that would be great.
It happened, John.
I know it happened.
Thank you.
-I don't want to rip your hair out.
-It's like a little... -Ooh.
Too-doo!
-Careful.
-Look at that. -Ah, mamma mia.
Now can you turn it into a bistro chair?
Of course. I was a waiter in college.
-Wow. -And very high.
Good for you. That's good.
30.
It's late. I've never lasted this long.
Wait, hold on.
Let me back up my truck of double entendres.
Before you do that, what did the rabbi say?
Nothing. That they sold the building 'cause nobody wanted to be there.
He talked about mysticism and how there's wisdom through surrender.
Why does this interest you so much
Are you okay?
Eh. Come on. I'm fine.
-I miss you. -Right.
People miss people. I miss you, too.
Specifically, how do you miss me?
Mmm...
You know, I don't have specifics.
-Wait, wait, wait. -What?
Look, I know it's not gonna be as exciting as when we were, like, sneaking around,
but I think we have something really, really good
and it's worth pursuing.
And it might be the best either one of us can do.
Hmm.
Yeah. Well...
You know, thank you...
for, uh, this, which is fucking adorable.
Thank you for that depressingly pragmatic sales pitch,
but I actually have, uh, lots of time.
Uh, too much, in fact.
Where are you going -Yeah, I gotta go.
-This is your apartment. -Wow, you really are in real estate.
We are not getting back together.
No. No, John. We are not getting back together.
I mean, especially not when your best argument is a warm body.
Why is it so offensive to you to consider me as a real option?
You know what?
Sure. All right
I want to be with you, John.
-For the rest of my life. -No, no.
Oh, no.
-You're such a fucking asshole. -No, no, no.
-If it makes you happy... -Fuck you.
...we're together... forever.
-I'm in. -You have no fucking respect for me.
-I'm all the way in, John. -Fucking piece of shit.
First of all, this is my coat. Thank you very much.
You know what else the rabbi said?
Okay? He goes, "You're using her as a distraction from the abyss,"
but he's wrong, because you are the abyss.
I promise you just feel that way right now.
No, I promise you I feel like that all the fucking time.
I don't fucking need this shit.
Oatmeal.
Oatmeal!
Oatmeal.
-Ow! -Whoa! What the fuck is this?
Pardon me!
-Yeah, go home, lady. -You go home, lady.
You go home. Unibrow.
What's on your head?
I said, "What's on your head?"
Is that a wig or a hat?
Where's your shoes, man?
Mmm, someone stole them last night at the shelter,
so I'm not going back there, not ever.
I don't sleep among thieves.
And someone stole your shoes?
Hey, what the fuck is going on in America, huh?
-What's your name. Do I know you? -No, you can call me Horse if you want.
All right, Horse. I'm Nadia. You want some?
-Can I tell you something? -Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know.
Mmm. I wouldn't tell me anything, you know, if I was you,
because I'm just not the kind of person that you tell secrets to. Uh...
I'm the abyss.
-I want to cut your hair. -Yes.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
-Come here. -Okay.
Okay.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Okay.
You're gonna kill me.
-I'm not.
You can change your mind.
Okay.
Oh.
You see this?
This is the old you.
This is who you were day after day after day,
but it's gone now.
'Cause this...
This is the new you.
Now you can be...
whoever you want to be.
I'll never understand why you're being nice to me.
Look.
I look like my mom.
Is that a good thing?
-This blanket sucks. -Yeah.
Downtown.
Eat a dick.
Okay, baby.
It's fucking cold.
I froze to death.
Jesus fucking Christ, that's dark.
Of course.
Sweet birthday baby!
Ah, I got to go, Max.
The party's been grand, but I got to go check on a guy.
Nads, what the fuck?
I'm sorry. It's important.
What's important?
Well, it's not gonna be important to you, you know.
I have a lot of interests and I find a lot of different things important.
Look, I think a guy who gave me a haircut yesterday may have died tomorrow
and I don't know how tomorrow deaths work when it's yesterday again.
I mean, is he in yesterday or does he even exist?
I just don't know how these deaths work for other people, okay?
And this is fundamental stuff, Maxine, so I really need to know, okay?
-Sounds important. -Bye.
The fire escape.
What a cunt.
Horse!
-Help. -Hello.
-Nadia? -Hey.
Good to hear your voice. It's been a long time.
-Yeah. -Listen.
Maxine invited me to your party. Are you here?
Uh, no. No, I'm not.
Uh, I'm trying to find this guy I met the other night.
Oh. Wow, okay. Well, that's a-- that's a good way to make me feel special.
All right, listen, you sick fuck. It's not a sex thing.
Actually, he's a homeless guy.
Like a major-- Basically owns Tompkins.
It's not a sex thing. He's homeless.
Well, at least your taste in men has improved.
Uh, it's not cool to make fun of homeless people, John.
I'm not making fun of homeless people. I'm at your party. You're not here.
I want to see you.
Oh, shit.
Oh! Found him.
Or at least, uh, I found his stuff. But you know, that means that he's around.
I think I finally figured out a little something about how this world works.
Well, you should. You're 36 years old.
Are you coming back here soon? 'Cause I would like to see you.
Um, actually, I'm not coming back there.
Uh, why don't you, um, go home with someone else, all right?
-Go home with someone you actually like. -What does that mean?
Look. Do you see that chick with the red shirt
about to get into a fight with her boyfriend?
Uh... take it as an opportunity, okay?
Just... get in there.
No, I'm not interested in that. Listen, get over here, okay?
Johnny...
Goodbye.
I don't know.
You need something?
No.
Do you need something?
I'm okay.
Who are you?
I'm just a person that is here guarding your shoes.
Well, I don't know what kind of weird scene you're involved in, but...
if you're gonna sit there, don't touch me while I'm sleeping, I've got reflexes.
-Deadly. -Okay, I'm not gonna touch you.
Is it okay if I just, uh, sit here and play my crossword puzzles?
I don't care.
Okay.
Those aren't yours.
Huh.
I want to cut your hair.
All right, you win.
Please stand clear of the closing door.
Going up.
Elevator up, huh?
Okay.
We are experiencing a temporary power outage.
Get your phone! Call 911!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Can't break us out.
Quickly, lie down, everyone! Get down, get down, get down, get down!
Hey, man. Didn't you get the news? We're about to die.
It doesn't matter. I die all the time.