What's up, lover?
Hey, baby.
Fuck! Baby. Look at you.
Holy shit!
Whoo! Babe.
Baby, I love you!
I love you, lover.
Fuck!
Wow! Fuck! You are so hot.
Baby. Baby.
You got it.
Fuck. Yes.
Yes! Oh, baby!
I love you so much.
Careful, baby. Are you okay?
Don't hurt yourself.
Yes!
Fuck! I love you, gorgeous.
Girls night!
- Cheers. - Girls.
You know what?
- I am done with bad boys. - Here we go.
I am. I'm so over the fights,
- the drama... - I've heard this before.
You know what I want? Some like nice, sweet, regular guy.
- You know? Somebody boring... - Yes!
who's a doctor or lawyer.
- Yes! - An accountant.
Please not an accountant.
- Okay. - It'll be nice. It'll be so nice!
I could just stay home, you know, cook dinner,
watch a movie, just, you know, chill on the couch.
Who with? The dogs?
My dog and my cute, boring accountant boyfriend.
Pammy, girl, that is so what you need.
I know, I know. These rock stars, actors are fucking crazy.
- All of them. - Forget it! It's so not worth it.
I've been telling you that.
I am done... Yes.
- with self-obsessed. - Yes.
I am done with high maintenance. Yes!
- Hallelujah! - You know what? From now on,
bad boys are out and good boys are in.
Yes!
- To accountant. - Accountant!
- I love it! - Yeah!
- Let's get shots. - Tequila.
- No. Goldschlager. - Ooh!
For like the whole fucking club!
Compliments of Pamela Anderson.
- Who? - Pamela Anderson.
Fuck you, Tommy.
Oh, shit! Go, Tommy.
- For what? - It's just this work thing.
And the producers are flying out a bunch of,
you know, syndicators and affiliates to this big fancy resort
to schmooze them and preview the new season.
And meet Pam Anderson.
- Yeah. - That too.
The shit you have to go through with these guys!
It's fine.
Ho
Ooh
Hit it
Ho
Ooh
Come on
Yes, lick me.
Girls. Yes.
Here comes the beat. Yes!
Opa!
I'm Greek.
I'm Pam.
Yeah!
We look down and there's this like, long trail of ants and he just...
- Ants? - No!
- I shit you not! We're like, "Yes!" - No!
Oh!
- Hey, I got to go drain the main vein. - Okay.
Pam? - Yes, yes, yes, what?
- He is trouble. - Oh, God!
Will you relax, Melanie, please? Please, Mel. Please.
Promise me you're not gonna date him.
No. Of course, I'm not gonna date him. I'm not
- Promise? - I am not gonna date him.
He's just, you know, he's just funny, is all.
Pammy, no! Good boys are in.
- Good boys are in. - Good boys are in, I know that.
- I'm not gonna date him. - Don't date him.
- I am not gonna date him. - Pinky.
I'm okay, really. I'm okay.
Hey, it's a very dangerous lot.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Lot of murderers.
I got to go.
- It's not even 4:00. - I know.
I have to see you again tomorrow.
It is tomorrow.
Perfect! Where are we going?
Okay. I gotta go.
I'm, um...
- I'm leaving for work in a few hours. - To where?
- Cancun. - I fucking love Cancun!
- For work! - Not if Tommy comes.
Tommy, what are you...
Hey! I'm coming.
What? You are not. You are not coming.
Coming is what I do best.
- Come on. - Good night.
- No, come on, pretty please. - Tommy.
- Can I come with you? - Goodnight. No.
- Pretty please with sugar on top. - No. Uh-uh.
- With sugar and sprinkles and a cherry? - No way. No way.
No.
- Good night, Tommy. - Fine.
- Okay. Only under one condition. - What?
Hey, it's me. You know what to do.
Tommy Lee in Cancun.
Tommy Lee and his wiener
Are fucking coming to Cancun.
I don't have time for this.
Hey, it's me. You know what to do.
Hola. Jawohl.
Cancun!
Tommy is coming to Cancun.
Do not come. Pamela!
Don't. - I am so stoked.
Tommy. Tommy?
Come on. We're gonna have a blast.
Do not come.
I'm fucking coming.
Goodbye, Tommy.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...
- You okay? - Hmm?
- You okay? - Yeah, fine.
Hi, there. How are you?
Welcome to the Ritz-Carlton, Miss Anderson.
Thank you.
These are your keys.
And these were left for you.
- Wow! - Oh my God!
- Who is this from? - Wow.
- Oh. - There's the card, open it.
No, it's probably just a fan.
Come on, just fucking open it.
- What does it say? - I am opening it.
Mmm-hmm.
"Here's to a kick ass, unforgettable weekend."
- From? - Simon...
and the gang at ITC Telepictures Worldwide."
- Beautiful. - Wow!
Please welcome Pamela Anderson.
Yes!
Very beautiful.
Hi! How are you?
Such a pleasure to meet you.
- How's it going? Hi. - Ever been to Grand Rapids?
You are massive there.
Brent Actors from KDFI.
Hi, Brent. Nice tie.
It is such an honor to meet you.
Wow! You're even prettier in person.
Oh! Firm shake. Hi.
Jim Zelner. Dayton, Ohio.
Oh, god. There's so many of you. It's so exciting.
We're gonna have a fun time.
So, I have to ask.
Is Baywatch, like the best job?
Oh, yeah, I love it.
I get to go to the beach every day.
I understand you're from Canada.
- Yes, I am. - I used to work in Calgary.
- Oh, wow. - CBRT.
I was a station manager up there.
What part are you from?
I'm from Ladysmith.
Ladysmith? Where's that at?
Oh, near Vancouver, it's pretty small.
Vancouver, CIVT.
- Our sister station. - Oh.
- Tell her the Jerry story. - Actually...
Really funny story about their transmitter...
I'm sorry.
Miss Anderson, there's a phone call for you.
- He says, it's urgent. - Oh. Who?
A Mister Wiener.
A Hugh G. Wiener.
Excuse me.
Are you crazy?
Kinda, yeah.
How did you find me?
Easy. Just called every hotel in the Cancun area.
Oh my God!
Ninety-third time's the charm.
Well, you do get points for effort, but, you are...
still not coming down.
You're right.
Cause I'm already here.
No, you're not. -(IN SING SONG VOICE) I'm here.
What?
- You don't believe me? - Shut up.
Hear that?
That's fucking Mexico.
Hey! What's up, amigos?
Yo soy Tommy Lee.
El mucho sexy drummer de Mötley Crüe.
Whoo!
Where we all hanging tonight?
We all?
Yeah, you and your girls and me and my boys.
Your boys?
Yep. Come on, I wasn't going to come solo.
I didn't want you to think I was some crazy psycho stalker.
Wouldn't want that.
So, where are we going?
Tommy, I'm here for work.
One drink.
No! I'm at a thing.
And you're bored out of your skull.
No, I'm not.
So are.
How do you know?
Kept you on the phone this long, haven't I?
Figures were below the range and...
So, then he says, "Well, maybe we can attach a signal boost."
I'm like, "Jerry,
you couldn't amplify that sucker enough to reach Edmonton
much less Winnipeg."
- I mean, I like the guy. - Classic, Jimmy.
I'm sorry, I'll be right back. Sure.
This man is a stalker. - He's not a stalker.
He followed you to Mexico against your wishes.
That is the literal definition.
It's not like I'll be alone with him.
You guys will be there.
I know how these things start with you.
It's not like I even take him seriously.
That's how these things start with you.
You say it's not serious,
then you end up dating them for three years.
Oh, my God! That is so not true.
Scott Baio.
Fine. One.
Bret Michaels?
David Charvet?
Melanie, come on. I'm not staying in tonight.
Come on, we can make it a girls night.
Well, you know what?
When we go out, there's gonna be boys, so it might as well be them.
Them?
Oh, hell, no. Pam!
Look at you.
You are, without a doubt...
- the most... - I'm sorry.
I'm afraid the bar has a dress code.
I got a shirt and shoes.
I see that.
- But... - But, what?
Tommy, it's okay.
It's not okay.
This dude is discriminating me.
Am I not wearing a shirt and shoes?
A dress code isn't always just about shirt and shoes.
Okay. Okay. You know what?
Fuck you, bro.
Fuck you.
And fuck your stuffy-ass bar too.
All right, let's go.
I know a way cooler spot.
Give me an S.
Give me an E.
Give me an X.
- What's that spell? - Sex!
- Care for another? - Sure.
What?
Nice!
Thanks, buddy.
Yeah!
Thank you, thank you.
You are extremely welcome.
Ah!
What is that?
Love.
Cheers.
Whoa!
Oh, my God! Dude!
Are you fucking...
kidding me? Do you like it?
Yes!
Whoo! Oh!
Oh, my God!
Oh, fuck.
Dude.
Would you like... to meet him?
Yes, I would.
He's beautiful.
Tommy.
I am in love.
I think she's the one.
VOICEYou really think so? I do.
Oh, I hate those words. "I do."
Sometimes... they got to be said.
- VOICEOh, fuck! - What?
Well, we've been down this road before and it never ends well.
This is different.
- VOICEReally? - She is different.
Oh, come on, they are all different.
You saw her.
She's fucking...
perfect. - VOICESo is Heather. Hello.
Heather was... too conservative.
Oh... - Pam knows how to have fun.
She can be wild.
We can be wild together. - VOICECome on.
I don't have to change who I am as a person.
- VOICETommy, Tommy. - What?
You sound fucking ridiculous.
That's how I feel.
I'm in love, bro.
Sorry, that's just the E talking.
It's the T.
As in Tommy Lee.
Oh! Don't do that.
You listen to me. You have just gotten divorced.
I don't care.
We gotta keep this pussy train rolling.
- Do you hear me? - Sorry, bro.
I'm jumping off.
Come on. What about Jenny McCarthy?
What about?
Guarantee, we could fuck her.
Hmm. Not interested.
Denise fucking Richards.
You saw her scoping you out at the Halloween party
- at the Playboy mansion. - Pass.
You're passing on Denise fucking Richards?
On all of them.
Tommy, you're not thinking clearly.
My thinking is crystal.
Dude, do not fuck this up.
Pam and Tommy.
Don't do this, man.
Do not fucking do this.
Forever. - VOICEAh, fuck me!
Tommy!
Let's keep this party going.
- Tommy. - Yes, Pamela?
I don't do drugs.
I mean it, Tommy, I'm a good girl.
I am a good Christian girl from a small town in Canada.
The body of Christ.
She's the one, bro.
Can't even imagine.
Imagine what?
What it must be like to tap that.
I know. It's gonna be mind-blowing.
- What? - You haven't fucked her yet?
- Nuh-uh. - Oh, shit!
What the fuck you've been doing the last four days?
Just like... exploring.
I'm sure, it's fucking amazing.
But, still... you gotta hit that.
Oh, I will...
- eventually. - Eventually?
I'm gonna wait.
Till our wedding night.
- Oh. Oh. - Yeah.
To everlasting love.
- Pamela! - Yes, Tommy.
You are, by far,
the baddest, raddest, sexiest,
most far-out
kick-ass chick that I've ever met.
Next to you,
Carmen Electra is a hag.
You make Jenna Jameson look a 4.
Yeah!
I can think of nothing
that I would rather do than
spend the rest of my life just...
loving the shit out of you.
- Pamela. - Yes, Tommy?
Oh, shit!
Would you do me the insane honor of...
being my wife?
Okay!
Yeah!
Hey, senor.
We're getting married.
Yes!
Whoo!
Let's go.
Yeah!
Pamela! Pamela!
- Hey! - Are you a priest?
Si, Padre Guzman.
Thank fucking God.
You may kiss the bride.
L-a-t-e-r that week
We're fucking married!
Let's get wet!
I'm gonna service you for the rest of my life.
Fuck! So, um...
Like, what's your favorite movie?
You mean like, all time?
Pretty Woman.
- Cool. - Yeah!
- I love romantic movies. - Hmm.
You know, like Ghost,
- Sleepless in Seattle. - Hmm.
- You? - Favorite movie?
Yeah.
Shit, I got tons.
Um, Child's Play.
Nightmare on Elm Street,
Um, Hellraiser 2, Candyman.
You like the scary stuff.
Yeah, horror. That's my jam.
What's your favorite food?
French fries.
I fucking love French fries.
I'm a real wild one wild one wild one Wild one wild one wild one wild one
- What the fuck? - Oh.
Pamela! Pamela!
Pam, over here...
Pamela, when's the honeymoon?
The two of you just met. Was it love at first sight?
Can we see the ring, Pam?
Hey, relax.
Pam, how long have you guys been together?
Take this, fucking asshole.
- Fuck you. - Oh, my God! Baby.
Oh, my God!
Jesus. Dude.
You're famous.
No. No, we're famous.
Where are we going?
Oh.
You mean...
You mean whose house?
Where are we going to live?
- Huh. - Where do you live?
I live in... The Hills.
Hollywood Hills, above Sunset.
- You? - Malibu.
I love Malibu.
Yeah? I've got this fat-ass crib right on top of a hill.
Actually, you know what? That's uh...
Timing's perfect, because I'm about to start this big-ass renovation.
Oh, yeah? You are?
We could renovate together. I mean, custom build our own little
private love palace.
Let's live there.
- Really? - Yeah. Yeah!
All right. Let's do it.
Our own fortress of solitude.
Over there, there'll be like a Zen garden.
And there, you know, a waterfall flowing into a koi pond, you know.
Just fucking, super fucking chill.
- So Buddhist. - Yeah, totally.
Hey, you know what would be awesome?
- How about a meditation gazebo? - Snap!
Yes! You know, whenever life gets too chaotic and stuff,
we can just go in and we can center ourselves.
Pop in the koi pond
and chill your fucking shit out.
- I've been way into TM lately. - I love TM.
- You do? Do you practice? - Yeah, I do it all the time.
Ever since I started, I've just been, like, way more chill and calm.
Hey!
Get the fuck out of here.
- I fucking see you, motherfucker. - Tommy, what are you doing?
I see you.
Yeah, get the fuck out of here, Stalkerazzi piece of shit.
- Do you wanna get sued? Calm down. - We should be suing him...
for invasion of privacy.
- It's okay, it's okay. - Excuse me?
Excuse me?
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Lonnie.
- The contractor. We talked on the phone. - Oh!
Right on.
So, meet the crew. This is Vinny.
- Electrical. - What's up?
- Dennis, plumbing. - Right on.
- Rand, Carpentry. Nice to meet you man. - You too.
Oh, wow. Cool Tat.
It's a Pentacle.
- Pentagram. - That's a Pentacle.
Pentagram's any five-pointed star.
The circle makes it a Pentacle.
You know, it's funny.
Most people associate the Pentacle with Neo-Paganism and witchcraft but
it has its roots in ancient Hebrew scripture.
The Israelites believed that the Pentacle
was the first of the Seven Seals.
You know, the amulet that represents the seven secret names of God?
I just think, it looks kind of badass.
Anyway, we shouldn't be here for long.
We just wanna do a quick walk through with the guys, you know.
Go through your architect's plans.
Yeah. Cool beans.
You guys do your thing.
If you need me, I'll be right upstairs.
All right, hey!
Oh!
Yeah, there might be...
- some changes. - Changes?
I'm going to switch up the old concept a bit.
No more Bachelor Pad 3000.
New concept.
Love deluxe.
Love deluxe?
- I got married. - You did? Who's the lucky lady?
Oh, man!
Hey, boys.
Pamela fucking Anderson!
Stop! Stop it, baby. My Rice Krispies!
I'm sorry.
She will wear it for a lifetime.
Have you decided yet?
- Hell, yeah! - No!
God, no. Tommy.
Give me... Give me that, please.
- God, no! - Hey!
- No, no, no. - Come on.
God, stop. I can't watch myself.
- No. - Why? Why not?
What? You know, it's just...
I'm so much better in my head. I get self-conscious.
That's crazy. You literally...
Look at you, you have nothing to be self-conscious about.
Especially not your acting.
You think I'm a good actor?
Uh, totally. You can do anything. Drama, comedy, fucking...
Shakespeare.
Okay. Well, how about that?
- Totally. - Yeah?
Hundred percent.
Oh, my God! I would love to fuck you in space.
Oh, my God!
I haven't seen this in years.
The fuck is this?
You haven't seen The King and I?
How...
Oh, my God! This is one of my all-time favorite movies.
Eh.
Who's the chick?
The chick? That's Anna.
That's Anna. That's Anna!
- Okay. - Okay, so, she was sent to Siam,
and she... her job there is to teach English to the King's children.
And... you know.
How many fucking kids he got?
A lot.
Dude needs to slap on a Jimmy hat.
I can't wait to be a mom.
I can't wait to knock you up.
Oh, your tits, pregnant? That's going to be insane.
Have you got a big one?
You know I do.
I mean, family.
Oh, that.
Do you have any siblings?
- One sister. - Thanks, baby.
- Athena. - Is she older or younger?
- Two years younger. - Yeah? You close?
Extremely. Super.
Super? Does she have kids?
Two. Toby and Miles.
- They're the fucking bomb. - Yeah?
Those two little maniacs, they crack my shit up.`
How old are they?
Toby is four and Miles is two.
They must love their uncle Tommy.
Dude, we go hard.
You think I'm a madman in the club? You should see me on a teeter-totter.
I fucking love you, Tommy Lee.
Oh, my God! I love this bit.
Ancient saying. A true and honest thought
that if you become a teacher,
by your pupils, you'll be taught.
You're precisely... Wait for this.
Yeah!
- So English. - Yeah.
I should've taped it.
I could've blackmailed you for millions.
This better stay our little secret.
Tommy Lee, Mötley Crüe drummer,
secret lover of musicals.
- Don't you dare. - Baby, I'm daring.
You try me.
- You try me. - Oh, I'll try you.
I'll try you.
From every suitable position.
Come here, Pamela! Right now!
Yeah! You're not gonna blab with this in your mouth.
All right, all right. It'll be out little secret!