["It Never Rains in Southern California" plays distantly]
♪ ♪
You drive me to madness.
Then let madness be your medicine.
♪ ♪
[moaning]
Oh, oh!
♪ ♪
[cloth ripping, echoing]
[sighs]
Damn it. I'll get the sewing kit.
[chimes tinkling]
[distant bell ringing]
Ooh.
[footsteps approaching]
[pearls clattering]
Your holiness! - The lady's mine.
The lady has a name. It's Shelly.
Oh, yeah.
Oh!
both: [grunting]
Yes.
[coughs and spits]
Oh, don't spit on your brother!
[bell ringing]
[horse huffs, neighs]
Your stallion, my queen.
Tonight, I'll be riding a young colt.
["It Never Rains in Southern California" plays]
♪ It never rains in Southern California ♪
♪ Seems I've often heard... ♪
[moans]
♪ That kind of talk before ♪
♪ It never rains in California ♪
[moaning, lapping]
Okay, okay.
Did it work?
Uh...
Maybe I should just ask your sister.
You know I'm not talking to her right now.
Or I could ask "Willy and Franco,"
since the entire drive-time audience
knows more about my sex life than I do.
♪ ♪
Dr. Lambert,
I've got the most awful ache,
only it's not in my tooth.
I'm a dentist, Mrs. Lambert.
Sounds like you need a specialist.
[sighs]
[door closes]
♪ I got a situation ♪
♪ Something worth thinking about ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Should I stay, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Should I move on out ♪
♪ Mm-hmm, got a situation ♪
So what's on the agenda for today?
Oh, well, I still haven't seen
the "Hand-painted Textiles by Norwegian Children" exhibit
at The Met. - Oh, it's a dream.
And next week there's a production
of "Mourning Becomes Electra"
at the new Circle in the Square.
- Oh, God, I miss live theater. - We can see it all.
There's no rush. LA will always be there.
Yeah, glaring at me until it cracks into the sea.
Brandt, we still have Joyce.
Good girl.
Give yourself time to recover. Top off?
- Don't mind if I do. - All right.
That is distilled.
Taste the difference.
Thank you.
Do you want to swing by the office,
meet me for lunch? - Oh, God.
No, I have to run through the Cavett débâcle
a couple hundred more times, you know?
Joyce.
Maggie, I can't show my face at "Betsy."
Oh, honey, don't be intimidated.
It's just another magazine.
I don't know. I only packed a couple of outfits.
They're both pretty ripe. - You have my entire closet.
- We gotta go, sunshine. - Okay.
A gentle reminder, the fashion industry
is the world's second-largest industrial polluter.
- Please, save me. - Okay, fine.
Okay, I'll see you there. Okay.
- I love you. - You too.
Okay. Okay, I'm going, I'm going.
- Bye, bye. - Bye!
- Bye. - Mike got us a reservation
at Tavern on the Green, do you want to go?
♪ I want to reach for the sun ♪
♪ And have some fun ♪
♪ With none of that looking behind... ♪
Okay, genuine Big Apple treasure.
- Fun. - Right? Tons of fun.
I mean, you can get these in LA,
but when it's your hometown, why bother.
Sometimes, it takes being a tourist,
you know, to treat yourself.
Take one. Take--take them all.
They're for you guys. - Where's Joyce?
Joyce is just taking some time
to figure some things out. - Yeah.
She's not coming back, is she?
It was her decision.
She's a woman with her own mind and I respect that.
That said, she's probably at the airport right now
on her way back, but either way, guys,
we got a magazine to put to bed.
How are we going to do that without Joyce?
Oh, I don't know,
how did we do magazines before her?
I seem to remember publishing a few million without her.
And she gave us a binder with all of the content
for issue three,
so we just have to shoot the centerfold.
Right.
"The Cow." - "The Goat."
Please show a little bit of respect.
He's a two-time Super Bowl MVP, Rich.
Okay. And I'm going to bring on some security for the shoot,
so he knows he's taken care of.
And he wants to pose with a topless model.
So could you find one?
What? He want--
O-okay. Given what we were planning,
she'd have to be a strong Mrs. Claus
or, I don't know, an elf fighting for reindeer rights?
We could cover her butt with tinsel.
[chuckles] Great.
So this woman would be there as an ornament?
An ornament's fun, but not one of those,
like, big round ones.
Right? We want like a sexy one,
like an angel or like a sexy candy cane, right?
Doug, this just doesn't feel like "Minx."
Okay, then you don't have to be
the centerfold coordinator for this shoot.
You don't have to go now. Just skip the shoot.
It's fine. I know when I'm not wanted.
Bambi.
Guys, if she wants to go, let her go.
Her job didn't exist six months ago.
She'll be fine. Okay?
What we need to talk about is production design.
I got a guy in Azusa who can get us a sleigh.
What do you got? Let's work.
[sighs]
[car horn honks]
[indistinct chatter]
[mellow acoustic music]
[elevator dings]
♪ ♪
♪ A special path has been... ♪
Maggie'll be out in a second.
Okay. Thank you.
♪ ♪
- Joyce! - Hi.
So before we go, I want you to meet Elayne.
Oh, God. Now? No--
Come on. It'll be a second.
Oh.
Elayne? I have Joyce Prigger.
Hello. It is real--
I could just ring that smug Dick Cavett's neck
for what he put you through!
And Victoria should know better too.
But then again, she cheats at Scrabble,
so I'm not surprised.
Oh, God, it's fine.
You know, it's just national television.
I told Elayne all about you.
Yes. You've had quite a ride.
Oh, my God. Where did that come from?
I kept your debut issue. Elayne wanted to see it.
Oh, my God, Maggie. That is so amateurish.
I--I found it raw, but powerful.
Thank you. That means--that means a lot.
You know, "Minx" is a long way from this.
Well, the unholy marriage of art and commerce.
I'm sure you can relate.
Mm, we're in a bit of a privileged position
here at "Betsy." - Mm-hmm.
Shiny new prestige publication--
a loss leader for Fairchild.
They don't expect us to make a profit.
They just love the good write-ups.
What about advertising?
Oh, we do book the occasional ad
for a mission-driven nonprofit,
but we don't need it to pay the rent.
Wow.
Joyce, we would love to invite you in.
Write a piece for us. You have a fascinating story.
That is such a good idea.
♪ ♪
She's amazing, isn't she?
Okay, do you want a quick tour?
- Yes. - All right.
So our editorial department lives in here.
Our department's out there, layouts, hi.
Oh, my favorite--my favorite is this little research nook.
Oh, wow.
God, the temperature, it's so cozy.
Always set to 74.
And if you get a chill, shahtooshes,
made from the wool of Tibetan chiru antelopes.
- Oh, wow. - [laughs]
So I invited some of the ladies to join us for lunch,
but if you want it to just be us--
- No, the more the merrier. - All right, shall we?
Let's--okay, this way.
- Where were we? - Terms.
Well, I couldn't possibly consider
without a full editorial staff.
Sounds fair to me.
First-class travel.
Domestic.
And international.
If I'm not in Milan for Fashion Week,
"Minx" will never be relevant in the style space.
And Halston would love you, by the way.
- Oh, everybody loves me. - [chuckles]
I like your spunk but you're not my only date to the dance.
Yes, I'm sure you have Helen Gurley Brown in your Rolodex.
- Oh, I do. - [laughs]
I'm serious.
Listen, you know how hot "Minx" is
or you wouldn't have taken this meeting.
I'm about to have the number one adult mag in the country
and we both know you want to be a part of that.
So I'll consider your terms, but as of now,
Milano's on your dime.
Chocolate tart? Key lime pie?
Just the check.
And that 21-year single malt.
- Coming up. - [chuckles]
I didn't know where else to go.
There's nothing left for me to do at Bottom Dollar.
I'm so sorry, Bambi. I don't know where Joyce is.
She's on my shit list, in fact.
I get that you're mad, but isn't it kind of good,
what happened with you and Lenny?
I mean, now that he knows he can't take you to the moon,
at least you can get somewhere.
What? Like divorce court?
I tried to apologize,
but we can't seem to get back on track.
You just need to re-notch your groove.
How do you feel about getting naked in the desert?
- No. - Okay, so mescaline's out.
Yeah. Riunite's as crazy as we get.
You can get crazier than that.
What about something sexy?
- I don't do sexy. - Shelly.
You have the hair of a starlet
and the hips of a Greek goddess.
I've seen those statues. Okay?
They're kind of doughy.
Dough gets pounded.
[laughter]
- You offered her how much? - Don't worry about that.
Plus she's gonna be worth ten times that if she delivers
on half the stuff she promised.
I mean, with her connections--
But what salary did you offer her?
We're talking about film. We're talking about fashion.
We're talking about beauty.
I mean, we could sponsor a jazz festival.
Hobnobbin' with Herbie Hancock.
Don't tell me you wouldn't want that, Tins.
Don't tease me with Herbie.
Bye-bye, new building.
Oh, no, no. Hello, new empire.
I mean, how many opportunities in life
do you get to catch the big wave?
This is the big one.
Okay, Joyce has been gone, what, five days?
Can we slow down? These are huge decisions.
No way, not a chance.
This is the time to make a big move.
Voilà. Spaghetti Renetti.
- This is Spaghetti Alfredo. - Excuse me?
Did Alfredo tell you to say that?
He might've mentioned something.
That is my spaghetti. Alfredo is out of line.
Hey, you say it. You say it.
Alfredo, you're out of line.
[chuckles]
Thank you. I needed to hear it.
[laughs]
Mm.
Hey, I want you to be the managing editor
of "Minx", Tins.
Look, Wendy's a big name. She's got big ideas.
But day-to-day production spending,
you're the only person I trust and you know it.
You're giving me this job now.
Yes, I am.
So Alex is a restaurant critic.
I can't believe we're serving him dinner.
Why don't I just kill myself? - [laughs]
Georgina, you met earlier at "Betsy."
She's an assistant editor and her dad runs Unilever.
Oh.
And Eric works for Mayor Lindsay.
He's responsible for everything good Lindsay's ever done.
And, uh, he's single.
- Oh, really. - Mm-hmm.
Only thing to know is that he says, um, "busimess."
It's not a big deal. - [laughs]
Are you saying he says "busimess"
instead of "business?" - Mm-hmm.
Well, has anybody told him?
- No. - Tonight's the night.
No, Joyce, you can't tell him.
- I'm gonna tell him. - No, you--
Why can't you move back to New York?
I miss you.
Oh, God. Don't tempt me.
These farmers are so short-sighted.
They can't see five minutes into the future.
- Right. - I agree.
Maybe if the government hadn't shoved it
down their throats after the war,
we wouldn't have this problem to begin with.
No, no, no, if DDT is going to save the family farm,
then who are we to judge?
The people who are going to die of cancer.
Yeah, and watch as the ecosystems fail
because all the birds have gone extinct.
As long as we still have Cornish hens.
Right, except for those. Yes.
They're delicious, love.
Oh, well, Citarella never disappoints.
Oh, my God. I've missed this.
I cannot remember the last time
I had a scintillating conversation
about a lethal pesticide. [laughter]
Oh, no, tragedy. That's the last of the ice.
all: Oh, boo.
- Brandt-- - Just stick to the wine.
It's delicious.
You love it. It's great.
Says the man with ice in his whiskey.
I'm humiliated. I am so sorry.
You should be. [laughter]
Okay.
All right. Okay.
[indistinct chatter]
How's he doing in there?
- Unclear. - Yeah?
There are a lot of noises.
- Lot of noises, huh? - A lot.
both: [chuckle]
Noises are okay.
How you doing?
Girls are ready. We're ready.
You close?
Close is for pussies.
You're either there or you're nowhere.
All right. - [chuckles]
Let's do this.
[upbeat music]
Get to work. Let's go!
We got him, ladies, Billy Brunson.
Whoo!
- [smooches] - That is a very hard dick.
- Oh, you think? - We can't shoot that.
Unless you want a magazine no one can put on their stands.
I don't know, I was thinking maybe
you could do some kind of camera trick or an angle
that kind of hides it a little bit.
Sure, I'll just set the exposure to flaccid.
Renetti, this happenin' or what, buddy?
Yes. Yes.
Can I get a moment with you, please?
Yeah. - Yeah.
I love this choice. I think it's bold.
But I got to say, I find with our readers,
it's--it's better to sometimes give them a bite
rather than the whole meal, don't you?
You might get away with that bullshit with your male models.
But not with me.
You asked for The Goat, you're gettin' all of The Goat.
[both chuckle]
I don't-- I don't know about black.
It was the only color Tommy wore for years.
On the plus side, black goes with everything.
So getting him dressed was a breeze.
But, you know--
Shelly, in this home, you don't have to be a mom.
And you look great.
I don't recognize myself.
That's the point.
[giggles] Okay.
Shelly...
[camera shutter snaps] - Oh. [clears throat]
Meet Shelly. That's you, too.
She's just been hiding for a while.
In order to find magic with your husband,
you have to find it first in yourself.
- So, Joyce-- - Yes.
How long will you be in New York?
Well, usually I have everything planned.
Everything. But I don't know.
She's writing a piece for us at "Betsy" actually.
Good for you. What about?
I--no-- I have not said yes yet.
Smart. Hold out for more money.
I can help you with that.
Well, thank you. Thank you.
Okay, good. - You got people.
It's--no, Elayne wants me to write about "Minx".
Yikes. [laughs]
Maggie told us not to say anything.
No. No.
What I said is, "Don't push her."
No, it's fine. It's fine.
I don't mind talking about it amongst friends.
- Great. - Oh, God.
I do have one question.
- Of course. - There he is.
- The men. - Mm-hmm?
- Gigolos, right? - No, no.
The first centerfold was a firefighter.
And the second was a Juilliard grad.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Look at that. [all chuckle]
His parents must be dancing.
Who cares about the men?
We want to know about the women.
Who ends up doing something like that?
Obviously, somebody who has to.
- Mm. - A runaway.
Or a single mother.
No. That's not been my experience.
You hear that, Georgina?
Don't judge until you've street-walked
a mile in their stilettos.
These women aren't actually that different from us.
You know, they just are
more comfortable with their bodies.
Joyce. They're nothing like us.
Now remember, you are a dazzling,
glimmering, sexy nymph.
Oh, nymphs like to hide behind things.
Maybe I'll just pop behind the couch or--
No, no, no.
Come on, you're hot.
Yeah, I'm sweating. I'm a sweater.
Okay. Take this.
Oh. This is nice.
My good luck charm.
I wore it on my very first photoshoot.
"101 Arabian Nights."
Oh, isn't it "One Thousand and One Arabian Nights"?
Yeah. Ours was pretty low budge.
But I was nervous like you are now
and I got through it and nothing bad's happened since.
Wow, that's quite a hot streak. [chuckles]
Yes. Hot.
Speaking of hot,
you are on fire and you have a secret.
Ooh. What is it?
[chuckles lightly] I don't know.
It's between you and the camera.
Oh, you're good. [camera shutter clicks]
Hey, Billy.
Can I have one more-- can I have a moment?
Yeah. This is great. This is exciting.
Can I be totally honest with you?
It's--it's not up to me.
I mean, I can take these photos,
but it's not legal for me to distribute them.
My dick is above the law, brother.
Yeah, I wish that was true. Believe me.
But what if we took it down to 75%?
Can we do 75%, Billy?
- Three-quarter mast. - Yeah.
Is that how you like to salute your flag?
In America?
Hey, I'm a patriot just like you.
But if you want your fellow Americans to see this thing,
which we both fucking do,
we gotta let a little air out of the tire down here.
We just gotta. [sighs]
- 90%. - That's--
Give me 80. Let's go down to 80.
- No way. - Yes.
No way, brother. This is grade A beef.
Come on.
Oh no, step back, son. No, no.
Everybody stays naked.
I know you want me hard.
So why don't you just take this bad boy in?
You can look but don't touch. [chuckles]
Let's start shooting. Right?
Let's find a level that works for everybody.
But the move now is to start shooting, right?
Yeah, yeah, let's get these girlies jumping up and down.
I want these jingles jangling. - Ooh, I love that energy!
Girls, let's jump.
Let's get the jingles jangling like he said.
[claps] - It's about education.
Just think of how much better these people's lives could be
if somebody just cared enough to keep them in school.
You know, I don't think that educated people
have a monopoly on good decision-making.
An excellent point from the Vassar grad
who ended up in porno.
- Oh. - Ouch.
She didn't "end up" there.
She was slumming it for a while,
getting a little dirt under the nails.
Well, the story has a happy ending
because Joyce is back in New York where she belongs.
To Joyce. all: To Joyce.
To Joyce.
So I ran into William Shawn last week,
who looks awful, by the way. - Well, of course.
I'll get more ice.
No, you don't have to do that.
No, no, no. It's fine.
I never get to breathe fall air.
All right. Did I tell you...
Doug, look around.
Is this really what "Minx" is about?
Don't do that whiny shit right now.
You hear me? - No, I know he's a big get.
But, Doug, what are we doing here?
I can't keep this thing up all day long.
What do they think we're doing? [laughter]
We're on limited time here, Leibovitz.
Start shooting. - Just give me a second, okay?
Just please press the button. Let's shoot something.
I can't stand here all day. [laughs]
Take the pics, Richie.
Read the room and take the pics.
- Fine. - Good.
Don't be an asshole, press the button.
I am. [camera shutter clicking]
Why don't you go rouge some nipples
if this is so beneath you, Rich?
Okay? I got it. Thanks, Richie. Thank you.
Oh, great.
Now there's two hard dicks in the room.
Oh, ho! Pretty good. We're good.
That's how you take control, Renetti.
My man. [claps]
Have fun with your boyfriend.
Grits and pancakes. What do you say, guys?
Good. Excitement, excitement.
We got Billy Brunson. [girls laughing]
Great. [camera shutter clicks]
[sultry music playing over radio]
[camera shutter clicks]
What's wrong?
Nothing. You're gorgeous.
I just want to adjust your hair a little bit.
Yeah, do whatever you want.
Um...
♪ ♪
Um, and then the robe,
I was thinking maybe it could be a little
off the shoulders or--
What about no robe?
That's the shot.
♪ ♪
[chuckles]
♪ ♪
[car honking]
[indistinct chatter]
[Aretha Franklin's "Rock Steady"]
♪ ♪
♪ Rock steady, baby ♪
♪ That's what I feel now ♪
♪ Let's call this song exactly what it is ♪
♪ Step and move your hips ♪
♪ With a feeling from side to side ♪
♪ Sit yourself down in your car ♪
♪ And take a ride, while you're moving ♪
Can I buy you a drink?
If I say yes, will you stop following me?
♪ ♪
♪ Step and move your hips ♪
♪ With a feeling from side to side ♪
Oh!
♪ Sit yourself down in your car ♪
♪ And take a ride ♪
♪ While you're moving rock steady ♪
- Whoo! - ♪ Rock steady ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Rock steady ♪
I know the Cornish hen was a bit dry, but...
Um, I'm sorry.
Okay, I just-- I went dancing.
In the middle of a dinner party?
Is that a hickey?
Uh... [chuckles]
Yeah. [laughs]
I met somebody.
So who was he?
You don't even know his name.
You know what I know is that he wasn't
patronizing and judgmental.
Oh, grow up, Joyce.
You think when Gloria Steinem goes to a dinner party,
people don't ask her about her time
going undercover at The Playboy Club?
It's what makes you interesting right now.
My life is not fodder for your dinner party.
But you're more than happy
to lap up the attention when it suits you.
You're more than happy basking in my reflection.
This--
I'm trying to give you back your life.
Okay. All right.
[sighs]
This is salvageable. All right?
I, uh--
[laughs] I have some stationery.
You can write some apology notes
and break out that Prigger charm.
I have nothing to apologize for.
- Hey. - Hey.
Is this what you wanted?
It'll move magazines, all right?
I'll start looking for new photographers.
You should probably take Joyce's name off the masthead.
[Nina Simone's "I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free"]
♪ ♪
♪ I wish I knew how ♪
♪ It would feel to be free ♪
♪ I wish I could break ♪
♪ All the chains holdin' me ♪
♪ I wish I could say ♪
♪ All the things that I should say ♪
♪ Say 'em loud, say 'em clear ♪
♪ For the whole round world to hear ♪
♪ I wish I could share ♪
♪ All the love that's in my heart ♪
♪ Remove all the bars ♪
♪ That keep us apart ♪
♪ I wish you could know ♪
♪ What it means to be me ♪
♪ Then you'd see and agree ♪
♪ That every man should be free ♪
♪ I wish I could give ♪
♪ All I'm longin' to give ♪
♪ I wish I could live ♪
♪ Like I'm longing to live ♪
♪ I wish I could do ♪
♪ All the things that I can do ♪
♪ And though I'm way overdue ♪
♪ I'd be startin' anew ♪
♪ Well, I wish I could be ♪
♪ Like a bird in the... ♪