Tensions have cooled here at Woodbridge,
but just a few nights ago, the campus was in flames
over a new pornographic ladies' magazine called "Minx."
Copies of the frisky periodical
blew through the quad, igniting a raucous debate
that has left locals raging.
They're called privates for a reason.
This is yet another example of the media industrial complex
amplifying the voices of mainstream feminists.
Reading this is supposed to make girls want sex?
I don't get it.
Local action groups have already formed
to protest the magazine.
This filth has no place in our community.
I stand with the concerned citizens of Encino,
decent, God-fearing people who will help us win the fight
for the soul of the San Fernando Valley.
Okay, okay.
Keep it up. Keep it up.
I have negatives to print. Can I just--
Less talkin', more lickin'.
I used to love hearing that.
More envelopes, please.
There you go.
"Champions of Chatsworth Chastity"--good.
"Virgin Vigilantes of Van Nuys."
I can't even say that one. - No one can.
That's why it's gonna be so funny on the news.
This one's my masterpiece.
- - "Heavy- - Hearted Housewives of Hollywood Hills."
They call that alliteration.
Okay, you're fucking with me. I know this move.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat here.
Could you please help me?
Ooh, "Matronly Magicians of Mulholland."
I hate it when Mom and Dad fight.
Wait, so none of these groups are real?
Doug, may I have a word, please?
Let me do my job.
It's working. I'm moving. I'm shaking.
I'm stirring the pot. People are talking.
Yeah, but it's all criticism.
If everybody was loving it, we wouldn't have a story.
Joyce, I got reporters calling me from everywhere--
from the "San Francisco Chronicle,"
from the "Philadelphia Inquirer."
- That's a lesser paper. - It's working.
And you did a killer job stepping up issue two.
And Richie's cover?
Very sexy stuff, Joyce.
Yes!
Look at how many more dicks you got.
- Mm-hmm. - You should be so proud
of this excellent magazine.
Yeah, but what's the point of making it excellent
if everybody's reading it the wrong way?
What do you mean by that? You mean, like, back to front?
I want women to feel empowered, not embarrassed.
Let me talk to these reporters. - Oh, no, no, not a chance.
The plan is working. You'll just Joyce it up.
We are scaring away our target audience.
Just--all right, you know what?
I'll give you one reporter.
Oh, my God, you're so generous.
Okay, stuffy. Mean.
Notoriously grabby.
Beulah Barrett called?
She does the best profiles on celebrities in crisis.
Am I a celebrity? - Sure, you're a celebrity.
Here, give them to me. Tell them your vision
for issue two. - Yeah.
And then why don't you do this?
Why don't you, uh...
teach them how they should read it?
With a yellow highlighter and an open heart.
♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ha ♪
Oh, how funny. We missed this one.
Let me just, uh...
ah, but wait, it's for me.
There are no coincidences.
Chairman Mao taught me that.
"Dear Richie, noticed your work in 'Minx.'
Come see us sometime. Let's chat."
Edward Shawn of the Edward Shawn Gallery.
Oh, my God, he has two first names.
That's so fancy. - I know.
He has the chicest gallery in West Hollywood
and a real eye for emerging artists.
He taught David Hockney how to swim.
Wow. What if he wants to show your photos?
Or what if he wants to have sex with you?
Sometimes it's both. - Mm, just says chat.
I am so glad someone is finally getting
the recognition they deserve around here.
Yes, well,
whenever it happens for me and I become famous,
I promise we'll still be friends.
I'm already famous, so I understand.
Ms. Prigger?
Terrence Carpenter, "Associated Press."
Uh, what happened to Beulah?
Last-minute emergency sit-down
with Cloris Leachman.
You understand.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Cloris Leachman is...
More important than you.
It's not personal. - Uh, no, I know.
I'm just, um...
I was really looking forward to speaking with Beulah.
Oh, yeah, well, I mean, I could say the same about you.
I cover the publishing beat at the "AP,"
and I have been following the chatter about "Minx."
New magazine.
Starting to make some noise. Not easy.
Well, I'm just grateful
to be part of the conversation, really.
Well, let's dive into the story of Joyce Prigger.
Okay.
When did the matriarchy first awaken?
You've done your research, I see.
That's the job,
as you're aware, being a journalist yourself.
Well, I guess my story starts where every good story starts.
Seneca Falls, 1848.
Did you actually say that?
Obviously not.
I said I wanted to start
a conversation about female oppression.
My point of view has been egregiously misrepresented.
Okay, okay, hold on.
"When pressed on 'Minx's' intended audience,
"Prigger cast a wide net, encouraging girls
as young as 13 to seek out her magazine"?
I said that I wish I had access
to this kind of material when I was coming of age.
Oh, you are coming of age.
Believe me. - We have to fix this.
We've gotta demand a retraction.
No way. This is a national story.
It's been picked up by 180 papers
just as we have released issue two.
This is a jackpot.
Oh, this one's even better.
"Pornographer defends riot,
advocates for adolescent sexual awakening"?
Joyce, you're a fucking gold mine!
Oh, my God.
♪ ♪
Are you Ricardo Montes Izquierda?
No.
Thank you.
Don't they sort of belong to me by now?
There's no statute of limitations
on borrowed pumps.
Thank you.
And I'm coming for that clutch, missy.
Are you sure you can't stay for a drink?
Well, I would, I just-- I want to hit the highway
before the smog rolls in.
Well, maybe you can come by the office this week.
We all miss you.
I promise I'm gonna stop by soon.
It's just been so crazy at the house
and things with Lenny have been a little off.
- - I just-- - I really could have used you the last few days.
It's--everybody hates me, Shel.
First it was the magazine,
but now I am the one being pilloried.
Joycey, when no one would publish your magazine,
do you remember how miserable you were?
Yeah, it's terrible to be ignored.
And then after the first issue came out
and no one bought it, you felt like
it was the end of the world.
That's because it landed
with a deafening thud.
It's a real shock to the system.
I'm just saying, if every step has been torture,
it makes me wonder, do you even want a magazine?
Of course I want a magazine. It's just it's harder
than I thought it was gonna be, that's all.
Yeah, well, most things are.
Ooh, Daltons. I love their financiers.
Oh.
- Secret admirer? - Bye.
Well, thank you for joining me.
You know how much I love to see
our profitable magazines in their natural environment.
Ahh, "Naked Nurses."
Ugh, 70% margin. Now that's sexy.
- Where the hell is "Minx"? - Oh, no.
Has the crown jewel of the Bottom Dollar empire
gone missing yet again?
Hey, Artie!
I thought we'd been over this. Where's my dick mag?
- Gone. They took it all. - Seized?
Sure, that tracks. - No, sold.
I put it on the stands, gone in two hours.
You gotta get me more.
No problem.
So get this, Franco.
Some broad right here in sunny LA, Joyce Prigger,
is putting out a magazine full of naked guys
to help the females feel more satisfied.
Ha! You know, I bet if Little Miss Prigger
had a real-life jolly stick to play with,
she would have saved herself the trouble.
Whoo!
We just sold out in Cleveland!
Oh!
- What? Ha! - Whoo!
♪ ♪
Well, she's calling it "Minx",
and she has filled it
with all of her feminist mumbo jumbo.
Are you reading this, Nancy?
You better believe it, Billy Boy.
Fellas, keep a leash on your ladies.
Don't want 'em getting any big ideas.
I want a raise.
That's the thing about these libbers.
They wanna fix something that ain't broken.
How hard is it to get your nails done
and cook a nice meal?
We just sold out Vegas!
Whoo!
♪ ♪
Whoo!
Yeah!
Chicks like Joyce Prigger, nothing but trouble.
But I know the type.
Once some unlucky guy takes her off the market,
she'll shut her trap.
Oh, if any of our loyal listeners
wanna jump on that grenade, you'll be a hero to us all.
New York City!
♪ ♪
all:
Parks, not porn!
Friends, neighbors, wives, mothers,
we didn't ask for this war,
but I promise you, we're ready to fight it.
If Joyce Prigger and her soldiers of smut
wanna put their magazines into the hands of our children,
well, they're going to have to get through us first.
- Hey, Richie. - Hey.
"Richie,
"congrats on a fabulous second issue.
"Having a little salon for some of my artists
"at my place in the hills.
"Bring your colleagues.
Would love to celebrate with the whole 'Minx' team. Edward."
We have to go. - I'm pretty busy.
I don't think I can make-- - What?
You were so excited to meet him.
Oh, no. He tried to sleep with you.
You did sleep with him? You slept with him twice?
It was good? It was bad.
He hates his mother. - Stop.
I bailed, okay?
I got there and it was
way out of my league.
There's no chance I'm ever gonna be
up on a wall next to Hockney.
You know, when I stepped on my first set,
I didn't feel like I belonged.
I'm not even really sure how I got there.
But the photographer could tell I was really nervous,
and so he walked over to me and he said,
"You're not gonna be hot forever.
"Now take off those shorts
and get on that elephant and ride."
Oh, this industry.
Babes, you're so talented.
You just need to shine bright and show everyone
how much you're worth.
Plus, Joyce could use some fun.
We could make a night of it.
Okay, fine, fine,
but I get to leave whenever I want.
Okay, you say that now,
but last time I went to a party in the hills,
I stayed for a year.
And then the murders started.
You're gonna love it.
The Manson murders?
Not those!
The library, one of my favorite places
in the entire world. - I mean, she has a point.
Even I don't think "Minx" should be in a library.
I never said that.
You know, just to play devil's advocate,
who is to say it's the worst idea
to bring these concepts to the common square?
If you think people should be able to check out your magazine
while also getting a copy of "Huckleberry Finn,"
I think that's an opinion you need to share
with the whole world.
Oh, yeah, you would love that.
No, I love selling magazines.
And speaking of, would you be willing
to go on "Willy and Franco"?
Pump up our numbers a little bit?
I wouldn't go anywhere near them.
They're Neanderthals.
Neanderthals with a national audience.
Doug, I am getting hate mail.
Bags and bags of it.
Four-letter word. Four-letter word.
Five-letter word. Death threat.
Oh, God, and this absolute chestnut
from Bottom Dollar's biggest fan, Norman.
"Women in pornography should be seen and not heard
"and certainly should not be given their own magazine.
"Like that vile temptress Yoko Ono,
"you are single-handedly unraveling America's Beatles.
Bottom Dollar Publications."
Aww, he thinks we're The Beatles.
- Doug! - Joyce, I've been
in this business a long time, and as you know,
it is not always a popular one.
I want to show you something special.
Oh, God.
A few of my favorite love letters.
"If I had a time machine, I'd go back to 1933
"and kill you as a toddler, then, time permitting,
I'd go to Germany and I'd kill Hitler."
- That is horrible. - No, if somebody is willing
to write you a letter, that means you got them.
That means that you matter.
What you're describing is masochism.
No, what I'm describing is not giving a shit.
You should try that sometime.
Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
- Really enjoying this, huh? - I am.
The only way this could be any better
is you admitting that I was right.
Like you knew any of this was gonna happen.
Hey, I had a hunch.
You were blindly throwing darts
praying one would hit.
And one did,
right in the ass of our patron saint,
Joyce Prigger, huh?
- Sure, if she holds. - Mm-hmm.
You've hitched your wagon to a star
that's about to supernova out of existence.
Nah, I'm good.
I'm thinking of upping our next print run
to a cool million.
- Why not two? - Now she's ready to dance.
Why not two?
Just hope it's not on the deck of the "Titanic."
Hey, those people were in a bad situation,
and they made the best of it.
And then they all died.
♪ ♪
Hey. What're you doing here--
♪ ♪
No, don't talk.
♪ ♪
- Morning. - Good morning.
- That was fun. - Yes, it was.
I forgot how good we are at this.
That was a little better.
Right?
Well, you did read "Aphrodesia."
Mm-hmm.
Come here.
I wish I could just hide out here all day.
You can. I'll field your calls.
Beat away all those assholes running their mouths.
God, it's a bit late for that.
What are you talking about?
Nobody's image is beyond repair.
Teddy Kennedy is three years removed
from leaving a body in an estuary,
and he's still a viable presidential candidate.
Not my favorite analogy, but...
Martha's Vineyard does sound very appealing right now.
Mm.
But you know you shouldn't be hiding.
You should fight back.
Churchill said that, "A lie gets halfway around the world
before the truth puts its pants on."
Doug's not interested in the truth.
Well, you did get in business with a man
who doesn't know a thing about publishing a real magazine.
You deserve a publisher who has the right media contacts,
someone who understands major markets,
who has relationships with advertisers,
who knows that fall issues are the biggest
and January's a wash.
It sounds like you have someone in mind.
It's not your fault that you got into bed
with the wrong guy.
You were just so desperate for a yes
that you went with someone who doesn't know a thing
about who you are and what you want to do.
But if someone like you were my publisher...
Well, now that you mention it,
I have been looking to make a move.
"Lad" magazine is very limiting,
and they don't see my potential.
Spit it out, Glenn.
I've been sitting on a modest trust from Nana Lily.
- Since when? - Since she died.
- In 1969? - Yes.
And it's enough to set up shop.
"Minx" as our flagship title,
and you as our glamorous editor in chief,
and me, our debonair publisher.
Look out, world.
Where was this money two years ago?
Well, I didn't wanna blow it on something unproven.
Me.
You didn't want to blow it on me.
Oh, my God.
But now that everyone is talking about my magazine,
now, suddenly, you wanna invest?
Only you can turn this into something nefarious.
- I'm-- - I'm trying to help.
Help yourself!
What is so funny?
I realized that you trying to steal my magazine--
that is the most ambitious thing you've ever done.
Ooh, you look hot, babe.
It's, like, 91 degrees. Why do people dress like this?
Everyone's gonna wanna talk to you,
and I'll be right by your side.
Thank you.
♪ ♪
Everyone is so staggeringly handsome, I kid you not.
They're so cute.
Hi!
Hey, you mingle. I'll go grab us some drinks.
Mingle?
Uh...
Is that--
Motherfuck.
What's happening here? This chick gonna show?
Oh, yeah, yeah. No, she's gonna come.
I triple confirmed with her. She's just driving.
You know, women.
Cream and two sugars, sugar.
♪ ♪
But if she doesn't show, I'll be happy to step in.
- I got a-- - I got a million stories, believe me.
I taught her everything she knows.
I'm a lot of fun.
Where's the mic?
Go. Go.
You really think we're gonna be sitting here
in 40 years talking about Goldie Hawn?
Not just her, her children. She's going to start an empire.
That's not a world I want to live in.
Hi, sorry, um, do any of you happen to drive
a green and white pickup?
Is that to a green and white pickup?
Blue Celica. You want?
♪ ♪
I hear I'm holding you hostage.
Dreadfully sorry.
- Mr. Hockney. - I'm always the last one here.
End up trapping everybody else.
That's the burden of my life.
And tell me who you are, then.
I used to know everybody at Ed's parties,
but seems like this town is just moving on without me.
Oh, well, I'm a nobody.
I'm Richie. I shoot for "Minx."
It's a magazine that-- - Oh, no, brilliant.
I love "Minx."
That second issue-- yeah, that was tops.
- Oh, you've read it? - Yeah, well,
all we get are these tortured physique poses.
Beefcakes on the boardwalk which, uh,
with the right mood, I mean, why not?
But you're giving us actual male desire.
That's really something.
Thank you.
It's funny 'cause people have been ripping us to shreds, so--
That's the price of being a pioneer, I suppose.
Misunderstood by most.
You'll get used to it.
And we're back!
Well, there is a hot new magazine on the stands,
and everyone seems to have an opinion about it.
We're lucky enough to have the brains behind "Minx."
It's a real lightning rod. - You got the rod part right.
Please welcome
the lady editor of "Minx," Joyce Prigger.
Just editor. Happy to be here.
Listeners, this may surprise you,
but Joyce is quite the looker.
You hear "feminist" and you think...
That's funny, you both look exactly like I imagined.
both: Whoa!
So, Joyce, why do you hate men?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, she doesn't hate men.
You check out her mag? She loves us.
Eh, maybe not us,
but a little part that tickles her fancy.
To interject, I don't hate men at all.
But one thing I find curious about them
is when they ask a woman a question
and then don't let her answer it.
Oh, no, I think we ticked her off
right out of the gate, Willy.
Oh, we're just messing around.
There's no reason to get your nose out of joint.
Another thing I love is when men try to tell me
how I should be feeling.
"Minx" is not about hating men.
It's about empowering women.
Does that scare you, Willy?
Of course not.
Right, 'cause how could little ol' me
scare a big man like you?
Franco, on the other hand, should be terrified.
Nancy, you don't have those privileges.
See, now that is what my magazine is all about.
Men have had their finger on the button for a long time.
Well, that's my button, and she knows the rules.
We're not trying to take your button away, Willy.
Women just want access to the button,
or, failing that, we want our own button,
one as loud and obnoxious as yours.
Oh, you're just off to a great start, toots.
I get it. I get it. I do.
The thought of a female pornographer--
that makes people pretty uncomfortable.
It made me uncomfortable, but I'm doing it anyway.
And there is nothing that you can do to co-opt it
or diminish it or take that away from me.
Will, you look at porn, right?
That's between me and my-- yes.
Franco, I don't even need to ask.
Male desire is celebrated.
There is an entire industry built on servicing it.
Why should female desire be any different?
We got more nerve endings in our sex organs than you do.
No. Absolutely not!
Men like you are really good at limiting women's options.
Now maybe, just maybe, you guys are worried
that my magazine can offer them something that you can't.
One thing I'm certain of is that Wanda Wilkerson
is satisfied in the bedroom department.
- Are you, though? - Never had a single complaint.
And I'm sure that your marriages
are built on openness and communication.
- Actually, I'm single. - Shocker.
But as a woman, let me let you in on a little secret.
What she tells you and what's really happening
may not be the same thing.
I happen to know a woman who's been married
for 16 years-- three kids, perfect life.
But her husband has never been able to give her
the fullest experience of lovemaking.
She has never said a peep about it,
so he keeps flying blind thinking he's pleasuring her.
But I'm sure that things
between you and Wanda are different.
We could give her a call after the break.
Hear her side of the story.
Great idea, Nancy.
♪ ♪
How much to get one of these in platinum?
- We sold out everywhere. - Word travels fast.
Dick Cavett's talent booker told me
when she called to check Joyce's availability.
No. "The Dick Cavett Show"?
In New York fuckin' City?
How is your news better than my news?
This is annoying. I had great news.
You'll get over it.
All right, I need to hear it.
- Seriously? - Yeah, I'm a petty man.
I want to hear it.
All right, maybe I'll make it easier for you.
You were right too.
I was irresponsible, I was in over my head, I...
I went a little nuts.
And then I got lucky.
Thank you.
And?
You were right.
♪ My baby's a natural beauty ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I said my baby's a natural beauty ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ She's a natural beauty ♪
♪ Aww ♪
The penis is completely out of proportion to the original.
- Yeah, it was a whole thing. - Yes, we know.
I hope no one's got anywhere to be,
because I just blocked in about five people.
Well, now they have a reason to stay.
Hey, everyone, this is Joyce.
The minx behind "Minx."
God save the queen of dicks.
♪ ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪
♪ She's number one at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
♪ Stone, very braid ♪
♪ Got a lot of brains in her head ♪
♪ She's got a lot of style ♪
♪ She makes my life worthwhile ♪
♪ Personality, oh, she's the girl for me ♪
♪ Sometimes she's out of line ♪
♪ But I'd give her my last dime ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪
♪ She's number one at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪ - ♪ Win, place or show ♪
♪ She's number one at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
♪ She's a winner ♪
♪ Running with me, nobody could compare ♪
♪ She's choice greatly beef ♪
♪ A love oh, so sweet ♪
♪ Understanding too, that's why she never loose ♪
♪ So different from the rest, that's why she's the best ♪
♪ Win, place or show ♪ - ♪ Win, place or show ♪
♪ She's number one at my door ♪
♪ My baby, she's a winner ♪
♪ ♪