1 00:00:05,296 --> 00:00:07,132 [soft orchestral music] 2 00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:09,426 [applause] 3 00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:11,302 Thank you, Pulitzer Committee, 4 00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:13,471 for this joyous honor. 5 00:00:13,555 --> 00:00:17,308 My good friend, Gloria Steinem, once asked me, 6 00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:20,145 "Joyce, did you know that the magazine 7 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,772 "you created in your childhood bedroom 8 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,608 would change the world forever?" 9 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,319 No. No, I never dared imagine-- 10 00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:30,530 Show me your tits! 11 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,116 Show me your tits! 12 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,784 [laughter] 13 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,870 Come on, baby! 14 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:41,374 Shake them cans, baby. 15 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,418 Yeah. 16 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:49,132 Hi. 17 00:00:49,132 --> 00:00:51,301 I'd love to discuss your use of catcalling 18 00:00:51,301 --> 00:00:53,720 to communicate with women on the street. 19 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,972 I'm sure that this was acceptable 20 00:00:55,972 --> 00:00:58,266 when you were coming up in the construction industry, 21 00:00:58,266 --> 00:00:59,809 but times have changed. 22 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,561 So if you want to meet me, 23 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:06,483 you can introduce yourself with a handshake and a name. 24 00:01:08,651 --> 00:01:10,236 I'm Mike. 25 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,072 And I'm Joyce. 26 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:14,824 Cool, Joyce. 27 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,159 So you gonna sit on my face or what? 28 00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:17,535 All right. [laughter] 29 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:20,580 [groovy music] 30 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:21,873 ♪ ♪ 31 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:24,542 Welcome to the Southern California 32 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:26,878 Magazine Pitch Festival, where we connect 33 00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,546 the magazine creators of tomorrow 34 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:31,216 with the publishers of today. 35 00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:33,009 This year's publishers are a fine-- 36 00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:34,803 Do you mind? 37 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,638 - - Oh, I-- - I'm sorry. They got some policy 38 00:01:36,638 --> 00:01:38,181 about smoking cigars inside, 39 00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,058 like it's a fucking hospital or some shit. 40 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:42,560 Line up for whichever publishers float your boat. 41 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,938 Dazzle 'em with your three-minute presentation, 42 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,397 Hey, is that, uh-- 43 00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:47,690 first pitch fest? 44 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,567 Yeah. Yeah, so I'm just 45 00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:50,777 trying to listen to her. 46 00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:53,029 I wouldn't get your hopes up. 47 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:54,489 - Excuse me? - Ah, it's just 48 00:01:54,489 --> 00:01:55,657 that everybody and their mama's trying 49 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,826 to sell a magazine nowadays. 50 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,244 For every, you know, "Cat Fancy" 51 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,620 that finds its perfect niche audience, 52 00:02:00,620 --> 00:02:02,288 there's about - a thousand "Cat- - Tastics" 53 00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,957 that are gonna crash and burn, so. 54 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,876 Thanks for the recap on the booming magazine industry. 55 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,213 - I'm not "Cat- - Tastic" or any other imitator. 56 00:02:10,213 --> 00:02:13,383 I have been working on my idea for years. 57 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,593 - You say for years? - Yeah. 58 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,470 Good. Do me a favor. 59 00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,180 Come pitch it to me. 60 00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:22,100 - You're a publisher? - I am. 61 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:24,853 I'll see you in there. Good luck. 62 00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:31,067 "Giant Juggs." "Milky Moms." 63 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:34,153 Ew. - Now go forth and conquer! 64 00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:37,574 ['60s-style rock music] 65 00:02:37,574 --> 00:02:39,158 ♪ Ooh ♪ 66 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:42,287 ♪ I don't swing my hips when I walk ♪ 67 00:02:42,287 --> 00:02:45,874 ♪ And I don't bite my tongue when I talk ♪ 68 00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:49,168 ♪ I don't move when you want me to move ♪ 69 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:52,422 ♪ And I don't groove when you tell me to groove ♪ 70 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:56,426 ♪ 'Cause I'm a queen, and I always will be ♪ 71 00:02:56,426 --> 00:03:00,680 ♪ All you got to do is try me ♪ 72 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,098 [timer ticking] 73 00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:03,766 "Math is Hard. 74 00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:06,477 When Back to School Makes You Feel Like a Fool." 75 00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:11,941 "From Date to Mate: You Too Can Snag a Spouse." 76 00:03:13,568 --> 00:03:17,280 "The Grapefruit Diet: Find Your Thin Within." 77 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,616 What do these articles have in common? 78 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,784 - They're cute and fun. - With pictures of pretty gals. 79 00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,078 The kind of stuff my old lady reads in the tub. 80 00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:28,333 What they have in common is they're the exact opposite 81 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:31,169 of the stories I'm gonna have in my magazine. 82 00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:34,422 This country treats women like second-class citizens. 83 00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:37,258 We're overlooked, underpaid, and overwhelmed. 84 00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:39,969 We deserve a magazine that inspires us-- 85 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,346 that shows us how to fight. 86 00:03:41,346 --> 00:03:43,681 Gentlemen, this is your chance 87 00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,100 to be on the right side of history. 88 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:51,564 "The Matriarchy Awakens." 89 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,280 Why is she so angry? 90 00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:04,035 Uh, I believe I covered that in my presenta-- 91 00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:05,703 [timers blare] 92 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,005 - - Hey, "Cat- - Tastic." 93 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,840 You need a hand? - No, I'm fine. 94 00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:19,008 Suit yourself. 95 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:21,010 Hey, you forgot to find me today. 96 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,303 How'd it go? 97 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,264 My pitch needs a smidge of work. 98 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:27,892 Yeah, I overheard you at "Conde Nasty." 99 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,186 Hey, if it were me, I'd stop bragging 100 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:32,522 about how different I was from the most successful 101 00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,941 women's magazines in, oh, I don't know, forever. 102 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,901 I would say that I was just like 'em, you know, 103 00:04:36,985 --> 00:04:38,486 but--but with a twist. 104 00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,154 Yeah, well, maybe that'd work on you, 105 00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,864 but I'm looking for a different kind of publisher. 106 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,032 Oh, yeah? And what kind is that? 107 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,075 The kind that doesn't 108 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,410 fetishize lactating mothers. 109 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:48,454 [laughing] Some mouth on you. 110 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,373 You know, for your information, I got 4 million 111 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,542 in circulation, I got 12 titles on the rack-- 112 00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:55,044 Yeah, a dozen pornography titles. 113 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,212 [scoffs] 114 00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:57,880 What, you think that's easy to do? 115 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,425 Breasts, more breasts. Oh, look--bigger breasts. 116 00:05:00,425 --> 00:05:02,385 If you have to do porn, at least be original. 117 00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:04,053 - Mm. - Photograph naked old people. 118 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,222 Or, I don't know, make a magazine full of nude men. 119 00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:08,433 You know what, maybe you could be the first centerfold. 120 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:11,227 See how you like being objectified for once. 121 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,523 [grunts] - You dropped something. 122 00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:25,408 ['70s soft rock music] 123 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,202 ♪ Yeah, I had a dream I could fly ♪ 124 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:31,748 ♪ High up above the ground ♪ 125 00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:36,002 I'm sorry, love, it slipped my mind. 126 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:37,462 My parents already think you hate them. 127 00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:39,130 I don't hate your parents, Glenn. 128 00:05:39,130 --> 00:05:40,882 Hate that they voted for Nixon, but-- 129 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:43,051 You know how my mom gets hung up on this holiday party. 130 00:05:43,051 --> 00:05:46,095 Well, that's what happens to smart women who don't work. 131 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,764 Still have these big brains, 132 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:49,599 so they use them on things that don't matter. 133 00:05:49,599 --> 00:05:52,894 See, now that's a story idea. 134 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:54,687 Right. Of course it is. 135 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,648 - What does that mean? - Your magazine, Joyce. 136 00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:59,984 There are three people in this relationship, 137 00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,402 and not in a fun way. 138 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:03,237 Look, I know I've been preoccupied lately. 139 00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:05,031 Lately? You've been completely obsessed 140 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,491 the entire time we've been dating. 141 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:08,326 Well, then so why does it suddenly matter? 142 00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:09,452 I guess I just thought it would be out 143 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:11,245 of your system by now. 144 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,668 Out of my system? 145 00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,965 You've just been waiting for me to-- 146 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,760 what, give up? 147 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:27,220 Joyce. 148 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:31,766 I love you. 149 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,309 The magazine's not working out, 150 00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:35,353 and I don't get why you're still going. 151 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:36,729 No, of course you don't get it, 152 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,064 because you rose through the ranks 153 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:39,482 of a national magazine writing 154 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:42,151 about houndstooth blazers and skinny lapels. 155 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,570 - Okay. - But my stories are political. 156 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,532 No one wants to touch 'em, so I have to do it myself. 157 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:50,409 No, you don't. Just put all of that energy 158 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:51,828 into something else. 159 00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:55,123 We could have a great life together. 160 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,167 Are you asking me to choose? 161 00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,129 Well, it's not much of a choice, is it? 162 00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:05,508 No, it's not. 163 00:07:06,843 --> 00:07:09,470 ['70s soft rock music] 164 00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:11,180 ♪ If you walk upon the water ♪ 165 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:15,810 ♪ Your feet start sinking in the sand ♪ 166 00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:22,650 ♪ ♪ 167 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,655 ♪ Father Time, he must unwind ♪ 168 00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:33,870 ♪ Have a heart and lose his mind ♪ 169 00:07:33,870 --> 00:07:38,082 ♪ I believe our bad luck is gonna change ♪ 170 00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,625 [phones ringing] - Hello? 171 00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,544 [overlapping chatter] 172 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:43,171 Yes, I did have a good Valentine's Day. 173 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,840 We actually have a Valentine's Day special. 174 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,176 30% off if you order today. 175 00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:53,181 That's right, just $9 a year. 176 00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:54,557 Mm-hmm. 177 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:57,226 Yeah, that's the sweet spot right there. 178 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,353 You know, you should do this for your boyfriend, 179 00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:00,396 get him good and hot. 180 00:08:00,396 --> 00:08:02,023 I'm sorry, what was that? 181 00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:03,482 Yes, ma'am, you can cancel at any time. 182 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,109 You'll get the first issue next week. 183 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,445 Hope your daughter likes it. 184 00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,282 If she's as political as you say, I'd recommend 185 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:13,284 getting a "Newsweek" subscription instead. 186 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,578 There's a revolution coming, and we're still publishing 187 00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:17,580 puff pieces about David Cassidy. 188 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,290 Hey ya, honey. 189 00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:21,584 What are you doing here? 190 00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,544 Oh, I came to kidnap you. 191 00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:26,756 Nah, you put where you work in your magazine, dummy. 192 00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,091 - You read my magazine? - I did. 193 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:30,676 What, you think I'm illiterate or something? 194 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,261 - Well-- - Look, it's not Proust. 195 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,721 It's pronounced "Proost." 196 00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:35,431 Do people enjoy your company? 197 00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:37,266 Not really. Look, you've got to go, okay? 198 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:38,643 My co-workers are G-rated. 199 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,144 They wear sweater sets and pearls. 200 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:41,729 Oh, come on, those sweater girls are all 201 00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:44,357 freaks on the inside, you can trust me on that. 202 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,942 Hey, come to Mort's, 1:00. 203 00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:47,235 Let's talk business, okay? 204 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,611 You think I'm just gonna show up 205 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,071 for some mystery meeting in a diner, 206 00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:51,239 like I have nothing better to-- 207 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:52,782 So, we're up in Lake Havasu, 208 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,200 and we're shooting these two chicks 209 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,285 for the cover of "Asian Asses," 210 00:08:56,369 --> 00:09:00,122 and I got this really sexy kind of Vietnam rice paddy angle 211 00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:03,626 and my makeup boy, Richie, knocks the bag of film 212 00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:04,794 right into the water. 213 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,545 - Mm. - So we got to shut down 214 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,047 as he goes into town, 215 00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:09,632 and the chicks start bitching, you know? 216 00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,175 - They do that. - "Doug, how long 217 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:12,802 is this gonna take? It's so cold out here." 218 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,887 So guess what I did. 219 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,306 Re-evaluated your entire existence? 220 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,516 I gave them the only thing 221 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,142 that I had to read in my car, 222 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,687 which was your magazine. 223 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:25,106 Your centerfolds read "The Matriarchy Awakens"? 224 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,108 Also not illiterate. 225 00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,194 Did they like it? 226 00:09:30,278 --> 00:09:32,488 Not that it matters. I'm just curious if they-- 227 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,365 It blew 'em away. 228 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:35,700 - It did? - It did. 229 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:36,993 It's been three weeks, and they're still 230 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:38,077 talking about the articles. 231 00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,537 And one of 'em even hit me up 232 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:40,871 about a raise because of something 233 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:42,373 that you wrote about the pay gap. 234 00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:43,708 - Well-- - I mean, she's not 235 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:44,959 gonna get it. 236 00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:48,170 Look, I got a lot of readers. Men. 237 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:49,880 And they write to me all the time, 238 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:53,009 and they say, "Doug, shit's changing." 239 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:55,011 You know, "Chicks are changing." 240 00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,387 So I got to figure out, you know, 241 00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:57,847 what to do with that, what's next. 242 00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,307 And then I started thinking 243 00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:01,559 maybe I got to stop talking to the men. 244 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:04,520 Maybe--maybe I should be talking to the women. 245 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,063 You want to talk to women? 246 00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:07,398 Well, there's a lot of you out there, 247 00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:09,692 and I'd like a piece of that pie. 248 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,444 Oh, you're not suggesting that you publish 249 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,570 "The Matriarchy Awakens." 250 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,530 [laughing] Oh, God no. 251 00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:16,032 I mean, not in its current form. 252 00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:17,199 Hey, don't get me wrong, it's good. 253 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:18,659 It's just you got a challenge. 254 00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:20,536 And the tone, it comes across as shouty. 255 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,871 When I'm reading it, I feel like 256 00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,247 a fucking teacher is yelling at me. 257 00:10:23,331 --> 00:10:24,707 Well, who cares how it makes you feel? 258 00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:25,916 It's supposed to make people think. 259 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,335 You got to hide the medicine. 260 00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:29,378 It's like when you give a pill to a dog, 261 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,714 you dip it in peanut butter first. 262 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:35,134 So my question is, what's our peanut butter? 263 00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:40,890 - I'm sorry, are you waiting-- - It's nude men. 264 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,683 [laughing] Did you say nude men? 265 00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:44,560 Not like a schvantz right in the face, 266 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,978 you know, classy. 267 00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:47,855 With your modern, you know, lady point of view. 268 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,315 Are you mentally ill? 269 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:51,442 You're the one who came up with the idea. 270 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:54,111 No--that was a conversational bon mot. 271 00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:55,529 Do you even understand 272 00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,906 what it is I am trying to do here? 273 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,491 Of course, I do--feminism. 274 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:01,827 Making shit fair and equal for the chicks. 275 00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:04,872 So tell me this, how is it fair and equal 276 00:11:04,872 --> 00:11:09,460 that a guy has twelve places to go to see a pair of titties, 277 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:12,004 but a gal has no place to go to see a dong? 278 00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,256 Gals do not want to see a dong. 279 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,425 Oh, they don't? Now how do you know? 280 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,094 - Because I am one, so. - Mm. 281 00:11:18,094 --> 00:11:20,471 Well, would you like to put money on it? 282 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:22,765 - What, you mean, like a bet? - No, honey. 283 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,683 Like a magazine. 284 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:29,814 He wants to give you an office and a staff 285 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,441 and fund your first three issues? 286 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,777 Didn't you tell me that cost, like, 50 grand? 287 00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:36,278 - Maybe. - Joycie! 288 00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:37,613 That's a lot of money. 289 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,615 Yeah, but it comes with strings. 290 00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:42,326 You know, big ones wrapped around peckers. 291 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,745 Maybe it'll just be a single, tiny weenus 292 00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,455 hidden in the back of the magazine. 293 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,374 Why are you trying to talk me into this? 294 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:49,583 You're my baby sister. 295 00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,001 I hate to see you spin your wheels. 296 00:11:51,085 --> 00:11:52,628 You've been at this for so long. 297 00:11:52,628 --> 00:11:54,213 Look, I know it's a good opportunity. 298 00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,132 Well, an opportunity. - The only opportunity. 299 00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:58,467 Why does it have to come from this guy? 300 00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,929 He's just so wrong. 301 00:12:01,929 --> 00:12:03,973 Do you think that Lenny had all of the qualities 302 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:05,808 I was looking for in a husband? 303 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,685 You know, I wanted someone who loved to travel, 304 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:11,397 not someone who gets diarrhea from looking at Chinese food. 305 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,983 But he takes care of me. He's a great dad. 306 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:16,569 No, I didn't get everything I wanted, you know, 307 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,654 - but I'm-- - I'm happy. 308 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:25,536 All right, even if I wanted to, 309 00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,580 do you think I could pull this off? 310 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,039 The--the nudity? 311 00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:30,291 Why not? 312 00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:32,460 'Cause I'm not some sexy, cool girl. 313 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,086 I went to Vassar. - Yeah, and that's what 314 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,631 this guy wants from you, that Seven Sisters polish... 315 00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:39,175 all over his magazine of knobs. 316 00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:40,509 Oh, Shelly. Don't be disgusting. 317 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,011 What? You're the pornographer. 318 00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:44,889 You got to get used to this kind of talk. 319 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:48,225 [Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" plays] 320 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:51,687 ♪ I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers ♪ 321 00:12:51,687 --> 00:12:54,148 ♪ Too big to ignore ♪ - ♪ Too big to ignore ♪ 322 00:12:54,148 --> 00:12:59,487 ♪ No one's ever gonna keep me down again ♪ 323 00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:02,406 ♪ Oh, yes, I am wise ♪ 324 00:13:02,490 --> 00:13:05,868 ♪ But it's wisdom born of pain ♪ 325 00:13:05,868 --> 00:13:08,412 ♪ Yes, I've paid the price ♪ 326 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:09,747 ♪ But look how much ♪ 327 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:10,998 [radio cuts out] ♪ I've gained ♪ 328 00:13:10,998 --> 00:13:12,875 ♪ If I have to ♪ 329 00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:16,128 ♪ I can do anything ♪ 330 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,380 ♪ I am strong, strong ♪ 331 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,842 ♪ I am invincible, invincible ♪ 332 00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:24,762 I'm in Gomorrah. 333 00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:27,806 [groovy music] 334 00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:34,980 ♪ ♪ 335 00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,946 - You need something? - [stammering] 336 00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,322 Good morning. Hello. 337 00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:46,325 Um, yes, I'm here to see, um, Doug Renetti. 338 00:13:46,325 --> 00:13:49,161 My name is Joyce-- - Joyce Prigger, is that you? 339 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,080 Hi! I'm Bambi. 340 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,289 - Hi-- - So good to meet you. 341 00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:54,041 - Hi. - I model for Doug. 342 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:55,626 Most recently in "Bodacious Butts." 343 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:57,002 I was Miss May, June, and July. 344 00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:59,630 Oh--oh, wow. That's a busy summer. 345 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,215 Yeah, it was almost too much. 346 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:03,217 - Oh. - I'm tired. 347 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:04,552 Um, can I just say, 348 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,679 thank you so much for this opportunity? 349 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:10,558 I mean, to learn from someone like you is just-- 350 00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:11,809 oh, Doug didn't tell you? 351 00:14:11,809 --> 00:14:13,185 I'm working for the magazine. 352 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,395 I'm your new centerfold coordinator. 353 00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,146 - Oh! - Okay, tour time. 354 00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,856 What is a centerfold coordinator? 355 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:20,526 I don't know, I made it up. Doesn't it sound fancy? 356 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,194 Okay, so it's basically just like 357 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:23,612 any other regular old office. 358 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,948 We have Art Department, Editorial. 359 00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:28,075 That's Shipping, Accounting. 360 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:30,119 Ugh. Ignore Gerry. 361 00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,870 He's just mad Doug pulled the plug 362 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:34,039 on his magazine idea to do yours. 363 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,791 Your accountant created a magazine? 364 00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:37,376 Yeah. You know Doug. 365 00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:40,379 He thinks a zillion-dollar idea can come from anyone. 366 00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:43,132 This is all our photo editing and-- 367 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,092 Is he rouging that woman's breasts? 368 00:14:45,092 --> 00:14:46,719 Oh, yeah. 369 00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:48,512 Um, nips don't read pink under hot lights, 370 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,347 so we have to--huh. 371 00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,683 Richie, are we gonna have to put makeup on dicks? 372 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,685 Mm, one can only hope. 373 00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:56,312 [both laugh] - That's Richie. 374 00:14:56,312 --> 00:14:57,688 - Oh. - He's our makeup artist, 375 00:14:57,688 --> 00:14:59,356 but he's gonna be your photographer, 376 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,066 'cause none of the other guys want to shoot wieners. 377 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,860 Don't worry, I know my way around a camera. 378 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:04,695 I've been photographing my lovers throughout the years. 379 00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,530 - Oh. - Ooh, I love this ensemble. 380 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,991 Oh. Enchanté. 381 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,911 Morning. 382 00:15:17,207 --> 00:15:18,542 Doug. 383 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:20,085 Hey, look who made it. 384 00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:21,629 You look beat. Long drive? 385 00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:23,255 How's a cup of coffee? 386 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:24,757 A cup of tea would be divine. 387 00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:26,842 Oh, I'm not the secretary. I'm just Black. 388 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,179 I'm so sorry. It was actually the way 389 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:31,805 that you were pouring the waters that I thought that-- 390 00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,349 Reminded you of the help at your tennis club? 391 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,017 No. Uh--ah, well, 392 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,644 we are members of a tennis club, 393 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:41,357 but the waitstaff there is mostly Mexican, um-- 394 00:15:41,357 --> 00:15:43,108 [both laugh] 395 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,526 She's fucking with you. 396 00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:46,695 Tina's my secretary going on ten years. 397 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,406 - Oh, that's very funny. - Racist. 398 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:53,702 All right, fuckers, here's our timeline, lean and mean. 399 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,454 A week to produce a test issue? 400 00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:57,581 That is way too fast. - Well, we got to boogie 401 00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,249 if we want to be the first out of the gate, right? 402 00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:00,459 You think there's a second nude 403 00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:01,919 feminist magazine in the works? 404 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:03,462 If there's not now, there soon will be. 405 00:16:03,462 --> 00:16:05,589 Centerfold ideas, shoot. What do we got? 406 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,007 Bambi, go ahead. 407 00:16:07,091 --> 00:16:08,550 Um, I was thinking, 408 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:10,678 what's the number one thing women find sexy? 409 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:12,429 - Intelligence-- - Motorcycles. 410 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,890 Picture this: tricked out Harley, 411 00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:18,977 big, muscley model with a juicy boner draped over the throttle. 412 00:16:19,061 --> 00:16:20,270 - Mm. - What's the caption? 413 00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:21,563 - "Wild Hogs." - "Greasy Riders." 414 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,941 - Oh. - Ooh, I got it. 415 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:25,943 "Rode Hard and Put Away Wet." 416 00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,736 - Ooh, yes. - That's the one. 417 00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,238 - Bambi, that's genius. - That's really good, Bambi-- 418 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,656 Yo--ah--this is just 419 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,408 not quite what I had in mind. 420 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:34,702 It's a great first try though. 421 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:37,037 - What's wrong with it? - It's just, how do motorcycles 422 00:16:37,121 --> 00:16:38,414 relate to feminism? 423 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,166 Are erections consistent with our philosophy? 424 00:16:41,250 --> 00:16:44,503 If--if our goal is to level the playing field 425 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:47,423 between the sexes, then should our penises 426 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:48,966 be ready to assault? 427 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,760 Or--or should they be approachable and unassuming, 428 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:56,223 draped gently on a thigh, tucked away, under a throw? 429 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:58,767 I think you're missing the point of a centerfold. 430 00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,436 No one cares about philosophy. 431 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:03,981 The only question that matters is, does it turn you on? 432 00:17:03,981 --> 00:17:06,150 That is a question for the ages, 433 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:07,693 which we could debate for months. 434 00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:09,778 Well, we wouldn't want to do that, now would we? 435 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,656 Well, we wouldn't want to rush into things either. 436 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:13,949 You know, we should give this magazine 437 00:17:13,949 --> 00:17:15,242 the thought it deserves. 438 00:17:15,242 --> 00:17:16,326 - And I think we are. - Some highly 439 00:17:16,410 --> 00:17:17,745 recommended reading, 440 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:19,413 "Lady Chatterley's Lover," 441 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,957 and then we have the "Kinsey Report," 442 00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:23,751 Volumes 1 and 2. 443 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:27,129 And last summer's bestseller, "Our Bodies, Ourselves." 444 00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:32,134 There is an eye-opening section on vulvas, page 93. 445 00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:35,929 Great. 446 00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:39,516 [rock music playing softly] 447 00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:42,686 You sure about this one? She seems a little brainy. 448 00:17:42,770 --> 00:17:44,521 Yeah, I think that's the point. 449 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,815 Unless you want to be selling under-the-counter mags 450 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,650 for the rest of your life. 451 00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,653 Got us this far. 452 00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:53,822 Yeah, but you were happy selling magazines 453 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,949 out of the trunk of my car. 454 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:57,868 You were pretty happy then too. 455 00:18:00,245 --> 00:18:01,580 This is gonna be great for us. 456 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,665 You'll see. We just got to get Joyce 457 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,375 out of her own head. 458 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:08,128 ♪ Late night mama ♪ 459 00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:11,173 ♪ She likes to get it on ♪ 460 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,800 ♪ Yeah ♪ 461 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:16,970 ♪ And she's my late night mama ♪ 462 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:19,848 ♪ She likes to get it on ♪ 463 00:18:21,683 --> 00:18:25,854 ♪ Oh, she's my late night mama ♪ 464 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,732 ♪ She likes to get it on ♪ 465 00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:32,569 - Who are those guys? - Models--potential models. 466 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:35,697 - We agreed to take our time. - Yeah--we've got momentum. 467 00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,574 You do not stand in front of a moving train. 468 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:40,327 I have ideas for big, splashy stories. 469 00:18:40,327 --> 00:18:41,870 Okay, um-- - Okay. 470 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,997 - - I-- - I could go undercover at an abortion clinic, 471 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,916 and I could take firsthand accounts of rape. 472 00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:48,085 You could also walk up and down Sunset Boulevard, 473 00:18:48,085 --> 00:18:50,671 shouting our idea into the windows of other publishers. 474 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,506 What is this obsession you have with getting scooped? 475 00:18:52,506 --> 00:18:55,384 Has farting up your own ass gotten you anywhere in life? 476 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:56,885 Apparently not. 477 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,392 Okay. Joyce, please, 478 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:05,686 just give me a couple of days. 479 00:19:05,686 --> 00:19:08,605 That's all I ask. Just try it my way. 480 00:19:10,732 --> 00:19:12,109 [barely audible] Okay. 481 00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:15,529 "Electric flesh-arrows traversing the body. 482 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,866 "A rainbow of color strikes the eyelids. 483 00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:22,494 It is the gong of orgasm." 484 00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,746 Hey. We're looking for models 485 00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,748 for a male nude magazine. 486 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,584 You'll be-- 487 00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:30,419 you'll be butt-ass naked, that means your dick. 488 00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:33,839 If you got a problem with it, the door's right there. 489 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:35,257 - Let's do it. - Great. 490 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,801 Okay. Go ahead. 491 00:19:42,848 --> 00:19:44,516 Uh--um, uh-- 492 00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:48,770 Does this not feel predatory to you? 493 00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,440 I mean, why do we have to see... 494 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,858 the thing before the photoshoot? 495 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,359 I'm sure it's lovely, you know--well, 496 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:55,861 I mean, as lovely as they get, right? 497 00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,113 They are all basically the same, so. 498 00:19:58,113 --> 00:19:59,698 Not all wieners are the same, babes. 499 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:03,118 There's shorties, fatties, long ones, flatties. 500 00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:05,287 Playful, shy, jaded, bored. 501 00:20:05,287 --> 00:20:07,623 - You have seen a dick before? - Of course I've seen dicks. 502 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:09,207 I've seen so many dicks. 503 00:20:11,209 --> 00:20:14,087 I've seen two and a half. 504 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,797 In very dim lighting. 505 00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:17,132 Oh, wow. 506 00:20:18,550 --> 00:20:20,594 Panties off. 507 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,558 - Oh. - Oh! 508 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,310 A short fatty. - That's a fun combo. 509 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:31,688 [Jean Knight's "Mr. Big Stuff"] 510 00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,190 ♪ ♪ 511 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:36,193 ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪ 512 00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:38,487 ♪ Who do you think you are? ♪ 513 00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:41,156 ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪ 514 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,408 ♪ You're never gonna get my love ♪ 515 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:45,160 - [gasps softly] - Ooh. 516 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,495 ♪ Not because you wear ♪ 517 00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,330 ♪ All those fancy clothes ♪ 518 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:49,498 ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ 519 00:20:49,498 --> 00:20:51,124 - Oh. - Great. 520 00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:53,669 ♪ Oh, yes, you do now ♪ 521 00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:56,672 ♪ Do you think I can't afford ♪ 522 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:58,548 ♪ To give you my love ♪ 523 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,426 - ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ - ♪ You think you're higher ♪ 524 00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:04,513 ♪ Than every star above ♪ 525 00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:05,639 I like him. 526 00:21:05,639 --> 00:21:07,015 ♪ Tell me ♪ 527 00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,476 ♪ Who do you think you are? ♪ 528 00:21:09,476 --> 00:21:12,104 ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪ 529 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:14,314 ♪ You're never gonna get my love ♪ 530 00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:17,150 ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪ 531 00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:18,860 ♪ You're never gonna make me cry ♪ 532 00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,404 I don't know, I think-- I mean, 533 00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:21,738 what'd you guys think of this one, right? 534 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:23,365 - Oh, I loved him. - Oh, he's cute. 535 00:21:23,365 --> 00:21:24,741 And he's a real sweetheart too. - Yeah. 536 00:21:24,825 --> 00:21:26,284 - Right? - He was an adorable idiot. 537 00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:28,704 He was like a Golden Retriever in human form. 538 00:21:28,704 --> 00:21:30,038 Are you always this picky? 539 00:21:30,122 --> 00:21:31,665 Look, whomever we choose is gonna have 540 00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:34,042 to sell the philosophy behind the magazine, okay? 541 00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,627 If he's not an intellectual, 542 00:21:35,711 --> 00:21:37,838 then how are we any different than "Milky Moms"? 543 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:39,715 Joyce, I hate to-- [knocking] 544 00:21:41,299 --> 00:21:43,427 Sorry, I read the time wrong. 545 00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:46,638 I thought you guys started at 12:00 a.m. 546 00:21:46,722 --> 00:21:49,349 What audition starts at midnight? 547 00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:50,851 Rats. 548 00:21:50,851 --> 00:21:52,811 I'm always getting my a.m.s and my p.m.s confused. 549 00:21:52,811 --> 00:21:54,813 - Oh. - Wasting no time. 550 00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:56,481 Did you strip down in our hall? 551 00:21:56,565 --> 00:21:58,025 The receptionist told me to. 552 00:21:58,025 --> 00:21:59,526 Did I do something wrong? 553 00:21:59,526 --> 00:22:01,486 - Not cool, Rita. - Aw, that's happened 554 00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:02,738 to me a million times. 555 00:22:02,738 --> 00:22:05,157 So tell us about yourself. 556 00:22:06,825 --> 00:22:09,619 I'm Shane. 557 00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:11,747 I'm a fireman. 558 00:22:17,419 --> 00:22:19,421 Is that it? 559 00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:23,175 Um, I grew up in Malibu. 560 00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:26,970 Played football for Pali. Go Dolphins! 561 00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:30,098 All right, well, thank you. We will call you. 562 00:22:31,433 --> 00:22:33,143 Oh. - Oh, shit. 563 00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:34,561 Everyone stay calm. 564 00:22:34,561 --> 00:22:36,480 The shaking you're feeling is an earthquake. 565 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,648 Yes, thank you. We know what an earthquake is. 566 00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:40,692 [electricity sparking] We live in Los Angeles. 567 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:41,735 Whoa--ah! 568 00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:43,695 - [grunts] - [gasps] 569 00:22:50,660 --> 00:22:52,913 Are you okay, ma'am? 570 00:22:52,913 --> 00:22:54,748 Yeah. 571 00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,666 Yeah, um, 572 00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,668 I'm fine. 573 00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:00,170 Thank you. 574 00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:02,047 Just doing my job. 575 00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,882 [chuckles] 576 00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:05,967 Maybe we should stay here just a second, 577 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,136 in case there's any aftershocks. 578 00:23:08,220 --> 00:23:10,013 Okay. 579 00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:11,598 That's fine. 580 00:23:12,808 --> 00:23:16,144 ♪ Joyce has a boyfriend, Joyce has a boyfriend ♪ 581 00:23:16,228 --> 00:23:18,980 He loves you. He wants to put babies in you. 582 00:23:19,064 --> 00:23:20,440 [laughter] - Oh, yeah. 583 00:23:20,524 --> 00:23:22,025 Vassar's gonna ball our first centerfold. 584 00:23:22,109 --> 00:23:23,985 I never said he was our centerfold. 585 00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:25,570 You're a white bitch. 586 00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:27,531 We want white bitch readers because they have money. 587 00:23:27,531 --> 00:23:28,824 - Mm. - If you want to fuck him, 588 00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:30,117 the other white bitches will too. 589 00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:31,827 I never said I want to F him-- 590 00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:33,370 Ah, you just about creamed my couch. 591 00:23:33,370 --> 00:23:34,996 Oh, come on! [laughter] 592 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:37,249 The "Kinsey Reports" says that a woman's vagina 593 00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,084 doubles in length when she's horny. 594 00:23:39,084 --> 00:23:41,211 Ha! It's called "vaginal tenting". 595 00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:43,171 - Bambi, no. - Okay, I may have 596 00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,632 found him desirable, yes, but it's not my fault. 597 00:23:45,632 --> 00:23:49,636 Evolution has conditioned women to be attracted to rescuers. 598 00:23:49,636 --> 00:23:51,346 It's up to us to overcome our animal desires-- 599 00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:53,682 Someone please stop her. That is no fun. 600 00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:55,684 - Well, maybe I'm no fun then. - You are. 601 00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:57,561 You're just scared of that part of yourself, 602 00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:59,521 'cause you think it makes you seem weak. 603 00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:01,690 You know, you can be more than one thing. 604 00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:04,693 Uh, maybe for a guy. Women cannot lose focus. 605 00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:05,902 All right, maybe. Either way, 606 00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:07,654 it's a good idea for a story. 607 00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:10,157 Mm, that is a good idea. Did you just come up with that? 608 00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:11,783 I guess I'm more than one thing too. 609 00:24:11,867 --> 00:24:12,993 How's that? 610 00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:14,995 - Let's drink. - Fireman! 611 00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:19,166 all: [chanting] Fireman! Fireman! Fireman! 612 00:24:19,166 --> 00:24:20,083 Whoo! 613 00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:23,128 [rock music plays] 614 00:24:23,128 --> 00:24:25,172 [both laughing] 615 00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:30,719 - Okay, bye. - Bye! 616 00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:37,350 7:00 a.m. Wow. 617 00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:39,060 Can I help you with something? 618 00:24:39,144 --> 00:24:40,729 Yeah, I was just dropping off some of your stuff 619 00:24:40,729 --> 00:24:42,230 that you left at my place. 620 00:24:42,314 --> 00:24:44,566 Thought you'd be getting ready for work by now. 621 00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:47,027 - Took some time off. - Did you? 622 00:24:47,027 --> 00:24:49,404 I am developing "The Matriarchy Awakens" 623 00:24:49,404 --> 00:24:51,489 with a prominent publisher. 624 00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,366 [scoffs] All those nights, 625 00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:55,827 working away in your room and for what? 626 00:24:55,911 --> 00:24:58,330 So you could be the porn queen of Pasadena? 627 00:24:58,330 --> 00:24:59,497 - How do you know about-- - How do I know? 628 00:24:59,581 --> 00:25:00,832 Everybody's gonna know, Joyce. 629 00:25:00,916 --> 00:25:02,209 This isn't a secret you can keep. 630 00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:03,585 This is low. - Anyway, it's just-- 631 00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:05,253 it's a small part of the magazine, so. 632 00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,964 Do you know the story of McGregor? 633 00:25:08,048 --> 00:25:09,633 - Who? - A drunk starts talking 634 00:25:09,633 --> 00:25:11,509 to a tourist in a Scottish pub. 635 00:25:11,593 --> 00:25:14,179 He says, "Do you see that dock over there? 636 00:25:14,179 --> 00:25:16,723 "I built it myself, stone by stone. 637 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:19,142 "But do they call me McGregor the dock builder? 638 00:25:19,226 --> 00:25:21,603 "No. You see that bridge over there? 639 00:25:21,603 --> 00:25:23,104 "I built that too. 640 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:25,815 "But do they call me McGregor the bridge builder? 641 00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:28,443 "No. 642 00:25:28,443 --> 00:25:30,862 But you fuck one sheep--" 643 00:25:30,946 --> 00:25:32,530 You're a real jerk, you know that? 644 00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,532 And you're a sellout. 645 00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:37,452 Good luck with the magazine. 646 00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:39,621 [rock music] 647 00:25:39,621 --> 00:25:41,456 Compromising your vision. 648 00:25:41,456 --> 00:25:43,333 It gets a bad rap, 649 00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:45,377 but should it? 650 00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,461 You know, I say-- 651 00:25:46,461 --> 00:25:48,088 ow! 652 00:25:50,674 --> 00:25:51,508 Gloria? 653 00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:52,759 Compromise is for those 654 00:25:52,759 --> 00:25:54,010 who lack the will to fight. 655 00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:56,554 You've made a mockery of us all. 656 00:25:56,638 --> 00:25:59,808 [crowd yelling] 657 00:25:59,808 --> 00:26:03,019 [phone ringing] 658 00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:08,817 - Hello? - Babes! 659 00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:09,985 We've been calling all day. 660 00:26:09,985 --> 00:26:11,194 The photoshoot's a go. 661 00:26:11,278 --> 00:26:13,238 We start at 6:00. 662 00:26:19,953 --> 00:26:22,247 Who plans a photoshoot in one day? 663 00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:23,456 We do. 664 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,000 Don't you think it looks great? 665 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,543 Hey, Richie, how 'bout a little tighter? 666 00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:27,961 Yeah, okay. 667 00:26:29,504 --> 00:26:32,257 This is cheesy. And-- 668 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:33,800 I'm sorry, this is just embarrassing. 669 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:36,011 And it's--this-- it's completely meaningless. 670 00:26:36,011 --> 00:26:37,721 We're supposed to be saying something here. 671 00:26:37,721 --> 00:26:40,223 Okay, Joyce, come on. Take a minute and enjoy this. 672 00:26:40,307 --> 00:26:42,017 Look at all these people working hard 673 00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:44,102 to make your dream come true. 674 00:26:44,102 --> 00:26:45,603 You think this is my dream? 675 00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:48,690 My dream is a pot of delicious, healthy soup, 676 00:26:48,690 --> 00:26:50,734 and what you're doing is adding a tiny little piece of shit 677 00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:53,153 to it and stirring it in, hoping no one's gonna notice. 678 00:26:53,153 --> 00:26:54,571 - Oh, is that right? - This is not just 679 00:26:54,571 --> 00:26:56,323 some piece of business for me, okay? 680 00:26:56,323 --> 00:26:58,491 This is my life's work. Why should I have 681 00:26:58,575 --> 00:26:59,784 to compromise that for someone else? 682 00:26:59,868 --> 00:27:01,786 Because grow the fuck up. 683 00:27:01,870 --> 00:27:02,954 That's why. 684 00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:04,331 You think you're doing me a favor? 685 00:27:04,331 --> 00:27:05,999 I'm a goddamn success story. 686 00:27:05,999 --> 00:27:08,710 I'm the American Dream, and I'm sorry to tell you this, 687 00:27:08,710 --> 00:27:11,755 Joyce, but maybe your magazine isn't as good 688 00:27:11,755 --> 00:27:13,423 as you think it is--yet. 689 00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:14,716 Who are you to determine that? 690 00:27:14,716 --> 00:27:16,593 I'm the money. 691 00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:20,430 Yeah, well, your money costs too much. 692 00:27:21,806 --> 00:27:23,600 Well, that's too bad, 'cause I'm the only one 693 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:25,643 who sees what you can do. 694 00:27:29,356 --> 00:27:33,985 Guys, am I draping my penis over the fire pole or-- 695 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:37,489 What? 696 00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:40,492 [rock music] 697 00:27:40,492 --> 00:27:42,952 ♪ ♪ 698 00:27:43,036 --> 00:27:44,329 Hey, sexy lady. 699 00:27:44,329 --> 00:27:46,247 Fuck you! 700 00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:48,541 That's the idea. 701 00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:02,931 [door opens] - Yoo-hoo. 702 00:28:02,931 --> 00:28:06,810 I stole the kids' baskets and blamed it on the Easter Devil. 703 00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:08,269 That's a new character I created. 704 00:28:08,353 --> 00:28:10,271 You're not the only artist in the family. 705 00:28:10,355 --> 00:28:11,398 - Hmm. - Here, 706 00:28:11,398 --> 00:28:12,899 chocolate makes it better. 707 00:28:12,899 --> 00:28:14,818 - No, I'm fine. - Hmm. 708 00:28:18,363 --> 00:28:19,656 Why aren't you answering my calls? 709 00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:21,074 It's been weeks. 710 00:28:21,074 --> 00:28:23,493 'Cause I've been busy rethinking my life. 711 00:28:23,493 --> 00:28:25,745 Mm, and have you been to a newsstand recently? 712 00:28:25,829 --> 00:28:27,122 You know, a research trip? 713 00:28:27,122 --> 00:28:28,498 Nope. I'm done with all that. 714 00:28:28,498 --> 00:28:29,874 I'm gonna do what Glenn does. 715 00:28:29,958 --> 00:28:31,334 Sit tight at "Teen Queen," 716 00:28:31,418 --> 00:28:33,128 write about eyeliner, get promoted. 717 00:28:33,128 --> 00:28:34,462 - Okay, well, if you-- - Look, Shell, 718 00:28:34,546 --> 00:28:35,880 I know that you want this for me, 719 00:28:35,964 --> 00:28:37,799 but I would rather never publish a magazine 720 00:28:37,799 --> 00:28:39,676 than capitulate to someone's bad idea. 721 00:28:39,676 --> 00:28:41,678 Well, what if it isn't a bad idea? 722 00:28:41,678 --> 00:28:43,763 Uh, a magazine full of naked men? 723 00:28:43,847 --> 00:28:46,933 It is deeply, inescapably just silly. 724 00:28:46,933 --> 00:28:49,894 Will you look in your Easter basket already? 725 00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,521 Yes. Yeah. 726 00:28:51,521 --> 00:28:53,731 Open it up. I bookmarked the page. 727 00:28:54,983 --> 00:28:57,444 "At last, a male nude centerfold." 728 00:28:57,444 --> 00:29:00,613 It's television star Burt Reynolds. 729 00:29:04,242 --> 00:29:07,078 - People like this? - Joycie, it's a sensation. 730 00:29:07,162 --> 00:29:09,956 [Lee Michaels' "Do You Know What I Mean"] 731 00:29:09,956 --> 00:29:11,499 ♪ ♪ 732 00:29:11,583 --> 00:29:16,463 ♪ Been 40 days since I don't know when ♪ 733 00:29:16,463 --> 00:29:19,924 ♪ I just saw her with my best friend ♪ 734 00:29:20,008 --> 00:29:23,344 ♪ Do you know what I mean? ♪ 735 00:29:23,428 --> 00:29:26,264 ♪ Do you know, know what I mean? ♪ 736 00:29:26,264 --> 00:29:28,057 I am never gonna be able to look at him the same. 737 00:29:28,141 --> 00:29:29,809 [all laughing] 738 00:29:29,893 --> 00:29:31,227 Joyce, come look at this. 739 00:29:31,311 --> 00:29:34,189 It's just a body. 740 00:29:34,189 --> 00:29:36,149 What you looking at, gals? 741 00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:39,444 You should do this for your girlfriend, Cory. 742 00:29:39,444 --> 00:29:41,321 Get her good and hot. 743 00:29:41,321 --> 00:29:43,198 [all laugh] 744 00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:45,450 That's inappropriate for the workplace. 745 00:29:45,450 --> 00:29:47,660 [laughter] 746 00:29:51,748 --> 00:29:53,583 Would you welcome Burt Reynolds. 747 00:29:53,583 --> 00:29:54,876 Hey, hey! 748 00:29:54,876 --> 00:29:58,129 [cheers and applause] 749 00:29:59,464 --> 00:30:01,257 Hi, John. - Hello, Burt. 750 00:30:01,341 --> 00:30:03,968 I didn't recognize you standing up. 751 00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:06,012 [laughter] 752 00:30:17,524 --> 00:30:21,402 ♪ Ooh! Help me ♪ 753 00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:28,159 ♪ ♪ 754 00:30:42,507 --> 00:30:44,133 - - "Cat- - Tastic." 755 00:30:44,217 --> 00:30:47,470 Your street is lovely. It's not where I pictured you. 756 00:30:47,554 --> 00:30:49,597 Yeah, I always wanted to live in a place like this 757 00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:51,975 when I was a kid, so now I do. 758 00:30:53,768 --> 00:30:55,270 I, uh, assume you've seen "Cosmo"? 759 00:30:55,270 --> 00:30:57,730 The whole country's seen "Cosmo." 760 00:31:00,441 --> 00:31:01,901 It was a cheat. 761 00:31:01,985 --> 00:31:03,111 He was barely even naked, 762 00:31:03,111 --> 00:31:04,445 and women went crazy for it, 763 00:31:04,529 --> 00:31:06,364 just like you said they would. 764 00:31:06,364 --> 00:31:08,032 Yep. 765 00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:09,951 And it made me think 766 00:31:09,951 --> 00:31:14,789 that maybe we should give this magazine another shot. 767 00:31:14,789 --> 00:31:17,417 I know that male erotica is in the zeitgeist now, 768 00:31:17,417 --> 00:31:18,668 but we're still ahead of the curve. 769 00:31:18,668 --> 00:31:19,711 We could be on the newsstands 770 00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:20,837 before anyone else. 771 00:31:20,837 --> 00:31:22,255 Yeah. You know, Joyce, 772 00:31:22,255 --> 00:31:24,841 here's the thing. 773 00:31:24,841 --> 00:31:26,759 I go to any one of my magazines, 774 00:31:26,843 --> 00:31:29,637 and, well, people are dying to hear what I have to say, 775 00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:33,474 but you act like I'm some sort of a fucking clown 776 00:31:33,558 --> 00:31:35,893 until some fancy Manhattan editor 777 00:31:35,977 --> 00:31:38,354 throws old Burt Reynolds on a bearskin rug, 778 00:31:38,438 --> 00:31:42,275 and then I get your stamp of approval, huh? 779 00:31:43,568 --> 00:31:46,529 This magazine has been a part of me for a long time, 780 00:31:46,613 --> 00:31:48,448 and I didn't realize how hard it was gonna be 781 00:31:48,448 --> 00:31:49,949 to let it go out into the world 782 00:31:50,033 --> 00:31:53,411 and become this living, breathing thing. 783 00:31:53,411 --> 00:31:56,748 I thought you were a tacky salesman with a cheap gimmick. 784 00:31:56,748 --> 00:31:59,000 And you kind of are, 785 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:02,503 but you do know something that I'm just figuring out. 786 00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:05,923 That a magazine has--it's got to make you feel something, 787 00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:08,593 and seeing a naked guy does that to women, 788 00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:11,095 whether they are curious or turned on 789 00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:12,513 or just want to laugh at him, 790 00:32:12,597 --> 00:32:14,557 it's the ability to look 791 00:32:14,641 --> 00:32:17,518 makes a woman feel powerful. 792 00:32:17,602 --> 00:32:20,146 That's what our magazine is all about. 793 00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:24,525 Or, you know, it could be if... 794 00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:26,986 you give me one more chance. 795 00:32:29,405 --> 00:32:32,283 I don't know, Joyce. I'll have to, uh-- 796 00:32:32,367 --> 00:32:34,911 I'll have to think about it. 797 00:32:34,911 --> 00:32:38,956 All right, well, don't fart up your ass for too long, Doug. 798 00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:42,418 I have a killer idea for a centerfold. 799 00:32:44,128 --> 00:32:46,089 [women catcalling] - Oh, yes. 800 00:32:46,089 --> 00:32:47,757 That's hot stuff right there. 801 00:32:47,757 --> 00:32:49,509 Okay, ladies, I'm bored. Give me more. 802 00:32:49,509 --> 00:32:51,427 Be dirty. - Look over here, baby! 803 00:32:51,511 --> 00:32:53,888 Hey! Show us your dick! 804 00:32:53,888 --> 00:32:56,349 Jeez. Being a woman's intense. 805 00:32:56,349 --> 00:32:59,185 - Yeah! - Give it to us. 806 00:32:59,185 --> 00:33:01,646 Not bad, Joyce. 807 00:33:01,646 --> 00:33:04,524 You know, I got to hand it to you with this centerfold. 808 00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:06,401 You pulled a rabbit out of a hat. 809 00:33:06,401 --> 00:33:09,237 - Thank you. - You've come a long way fast. 810 00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:10,780 Well, 811 00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:14,909 "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. 812 00:33:14,909 --> 00:33:18,913 Life is--" - "Is a process of becoming." 813 00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:20,289 You read the books? 814 00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:22,291 You asked me to, so what? I liked 'em. 815 00:33:22,375 --> 00:33:24,711 She's got a way with words, that Anais Nin. 816 00:33:24,711 --> 00:33:27,255 It's pronounced "Anays Neen." 817 00:33:27,255 --> 00:33:30,133 Are you kidding me right now? 818 00:33:30,133 --> 00:33:33,094 - I don't know why I do it. - Okay. 819 00:33:33,094 --> 00:33:35,346 All right, Joyce, big question. - Yeah. 820 00:33:35,430 --> 00:33:37,265 What are we gonna do about a title? 821 00:33:37,265 --> 00:33:39,183 What, of the magazine? Nothing. 822 00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:40,852 What's wrong with "The Matriarchy Awakens"? 823 00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:42,145 - It's poon poison. - Gross. 824 00:33:42,145 --> 00:33:44,981 Chicks hear it, they dry right up. 825 00:33:44,981 --> 00:33:46,941 What we need 826 00:33:46,941 --> 00:33:50,945 is a wet pussy title. 827 00:33:50,945 --> 00:33:53,156 A wet pussy title? 828 00:33:53,156 --> 00:33:56,242 [Shocking Blue's "Venus"] 829 00:33:56,242 --> 00:33:57,744 ♪ ♪ 830 00:33:57,744 --> 00:34:01,289 ♪ A goddess on a mountain top ♪ 831 00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:04,959 ♪ Was burning like a silver flame ♪ 832 00:34:04,959 --> 00:34:08,796 ♪ The summit of beauty and love ♪ 833 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:12,842 ♪ And Venus was her name ♪ 834 00:34:12,842 --> 00:34:14,969 ♪ She's got it ♪ 835 00:34:14,969 --> 00:34:18,222 ♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪ 836 00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:23,561 ♪ Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire ♪ 837 00:34:23,561 --> 00:34:25,897 ♪ At your desire ♪ 838 00:34:27,315 --> 00:34:30,985 ♪ Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire ♪ 839 00:34:30,985 --> 00:34:35,281 ♪ At your desire ♪ 840 00:34:35,281 --> 00:34:38,409 [guitar solo] 841 00:34:38,493 --> 00:34:45,583 ♪ ♪ 842 00:34:49,587 --> 00:34:53,508 ♪ Her weapons were her crystal eyes ♪ 843 00:34:53,508 --> 00:34:57,136 ♪ Making every man mad ♪ 844 00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:00,181 ♪ Black as the dark night she was ♪ 845 00:35:00,181 --> 00:35:04,393 ♪ Got what no one else had, wow ♪ 846 00:35:04,477 --> 00:35:06,854 ♪ She's got it ♪ 847 00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:10,191 ♪ Yeah, baby, she's got it ♪ 848 00:35:11,609 --> 00:35:15,363 ♪ Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire ♪ 849 00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:17,657 ♪ At your desire ♪ 850 00:35:19,033 --> 00:35:22,745 ♪ Well, I'm your Venus, I'm your fire ♪ 851 00:35:22,829 --> 00:35:25,081 ♪ At your desire ♪