[♪ "Out of the Races and Onto the Tracks" by The Rapture playing]
♪ Get so scared, uh, get so scared, uh ♪
♪ Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake ♪
♪ Get so scared, uh ♪
[exhales forcefully]
[grunts]
[yells]
Ugh. Goddammit! Oh, why is this so hard?
[groans]
Man. I've tried iodized, kosher, sea,
whatever the hell celery salt is.
Every time I pull away, i-i-it's like my body panics
at the thought of all that pain and vomit.
But it's the only way, man.
A hit of this let me talk to Lady Bullseye back in Tokyo,
and it's gonna let me talk to my kid today.
Maybe even repair the little shot I had
at being a part of the rest of her life.
A shot you so officially ruined yesterday
trying to play therapist.
Okay, look, I-I-I think you gotta boof it for me
so I don't see it coming.
[Monkey yelps]
I'll shove that pole up your ass
and out your eyes!
[Monkey hooting]
Yeah. You know, I think we're past the point of reasoning with her, pal.
- [grunts] - [Bryce] Help with what?
So she had some bad clams. Seriously?
Just let her ride it out, okay?
The bistro closes at eight, so come on, grab a straw
- and let's get cracking. - [Monkey screams]
Well, you done did it now, huh?
- [Bryce] Great. - I told you not to do it.
Vetters are supposed to vet the killing, not get killed.
There's an order to this shit.
I mean, there was an order to this shit.
Now there's just shit.
And what's up with this shit?
I will eat your soul.
Is this the reason you're not answering your goddamn phone?
The one that I bought you?
Dude, tell her to piss off so we can deal with my thing.
Tell me in which grave your mother lies
so I can defile her corpse after killing you!
- [thudding] - [faint indistinct chatter]
- [glass shatters] - [Monkey yelps]
[chatters]
[giant growling]
- [footstep thuds] - [people screaming]
Okay, I think this prompts a shift in our schedule.
[Monkey grunts]
This conversation isn't over, okay, Monkey?
And what is all this salt?
[footsteps thudding]
Yeah, that thing's steps are way too big.
So unless that furry little motor of yours has a sports mode,
we need another way to catch up, and quick.
There, there.
Look, you live in New York long enough, you're gonna get on the pole.
Let's go.
Just trust me. I think.
- Bananagram incoming. - [Monkey hooting]
[laughs]
Wow, that worked better than I-- [screams]
Okay, but the idea was inspired.
[thuds]
[growls]
Wow. I bet this dude is hung.
[Monkey grunts]
Oh, come on, like you're the evolved one.
- Hey, Haruka, you done being crazy? - [Monkey screams]
Maggots will feast on your flesh!
- [sword swishing] - [Bryce] Copy that!
Alright, well, let me give the ol' ghost go--
[grunting]
[gunfire]
[hooting]
Oh, I'm sorry. Am I taking too long
to overpower the fucking giant?
Oh, boy, what a dumb way to die.
- [explosion booms] - [giant groans]
What the hell was that?
- Oh! - [car alarms beeping]
- [explosion booms] - [people screaming]
Hit this motherfucker again.
- [gunshot] - [explosion booms]
- Double-Tap: Ho-yeah! - My turn.
- [energy pulsing] - [giant growling]
- [yells] - [stone shatters]
[giant groaning]
- Hi. - [Monkey] Huh?
Hello, creepy child.
So I'll rescue your friend.
You get the giant. 'Kay?
- [inquisitive grunts] - I'm sorry, what?
'Kay.
You should probably hold on tight.
- [bone cracks] - [giant growls]
[Haruka screaming]
- [electricity zapping] - [groaning]
[Bryce] I'm sorry, did she say, "Deal with this giant,"
as in kill this thing?
[growling]
[Monkey chittering]
What? No, that'll never work.
[flesh squelches]
Oh, good God, we could open a candle store in here.
- [Monkey grunts] - Alright, dude,
the brain's down that way.
- Let's start blasting. - [gun cocks]
- [gunfire] - [giant groaning]
[electricity zapping]
- Jesus Christ! - [Monkey chittering]
You all know using cotton swabs is very bad for your ears, right?
- I'm sorry, what? - Yes. It just pushes the wax deeper.
Amara, are you sure we can't help the monkey?
No. Our instructions are to watch,
evaluate his performance, and see if he could be useful.
- Aw... - Yeah, and if not,
we grab the club and pop smoke.
- [grunts] - [Dot] Oh, no.
Oh, of course. Of course.
Baby, that's a hole in one.
- [car crashing] - Oh!
[growling]
Yeah, I got a hunch those 45 millimeters
aren't super effective on a 100-foot brain.
[giant growling]
[thuds]
Okay. Bad news.
I don't think we're killing the guy this way.
Good news. You're playing him like a marionette.
- [gunfire continues] - [head thudding]
You know, this monkey is kind of impressive.
I don't know, the suit, the sunglasses.
- It feels a little gimmicky. - Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey, every piece of this has a purpose. Okay?
Well, except for the bald eagle belt buckle.
- Now, that's just cool. - Is it?
[growling]
No, hold on.
Haruka transforms back to herself if she lets go of the sword, so...
Hey, Monkey, aim a little left.
[gunfire]
Your other left. Your other left!
- No, your other left! - [grunts]
[giant groaning]
Keep going. Little more. Yeah, there we go.
- Little more. - [gunfire continues]
Bullseye!
Attaboy, baby! Whoo!
Monkey and the goddamn beanstalk, am I right?
[rumbling]
[creaking]
- Uh-oh. - [Monkey grunting]
I think he's going back to human form, and size.
Huh?
[♪ dramatic music playing]
[grunts]
It's too strong. I can't hold it.
[screeches]
[groaning]
- [Monkey grunts] - Double-Tap: Whoa!
- Whoo! - [sirens wailing in distance]
Shit! I forgot to press record.
- [Monkey] Huh? - Damn.
[panting]
Oh...
[thuds]
[♪ gentle ethereal music playing]
[inaudible dialogue]
Hey, dude, we got to get out of here. Now.
That creepy little girl and her friends dragged you and Haruka here.
They took her to some scary-ass research room
and brought you here.
Now, this creepy Ken doll keeps walking in
and puttin' his hand on your head like he's imagining
what your fur would feel like as a goddamn coat.
[door clanks, whirrs]
[footsteps approaching]
Oh, and he's a vampire. Wonderful.
- [hooting] - [glass shatters]
Don't think. Just pick a direction.
We got to find Haruka and get the hell out of here.
[energy pulsing]
Get out!
Well, you picked wrong. Other way. Let's go. Other way!
Hey.
- Damn, do you knock? - [gun cocks]
Other way, other way. Other other way.
Okay. I think you can take Hot Topic here.
- [Monkey hoots] - [energy pulsing]
Just kiddin', back to the hall. Go, go, go!
God, I will not let you get killed by these Cirque du Soleil rejects.
Oh, hey, look who's up.
- [Bryce] Haruka? - [Dot] Monkey.
- Did you get the headphones I left you? - Wait, what?
The music makes the angry thoughts go away.
[Monkey grunting, growling]
No, it's okay. They saved our lives.
- [Monkey grunts] - Oh, no, Monkey.
Did you talk to Boone? And where's your smoothie?
He had a few notes for the chef.
I won't hold it against him, though.
He's a long way from the Fukuyama mountains.
[grunting] Huh?
Uh-huh. He reads minds, long-balls.
Oh, please. That's a bit reductive, brother.
Is it fair to say you make things disappear?
Yes, brother, it is. I destabilize things.
I suck 'em into my mind and then, are you ready for this [gasps]
they've disappeared.
[sighs] Yes, I read your mind.
Normally, I'd ask for consent, but it was a medical emergency.
You've had quite the adventure.
Sorry about your tribe, bro.
[moans]
Oh, please, give me a fuckin' break.
And I take it your ghost sidekick only heightened the paranoia.
Excuse me?
I'm about to sidekick you in the face, Abercrombie.
- [Monkey grunts] - [laughs]
I bet if I read his mind.
Okay, what the hell is goin' on?
I'm sure you have questions. My name is Boone.
- This is my hilarious brother, Slyke. - Well, hi, there.
And you've met our compatriots,
- Amara, Double-Tap... - What up?
- ...and of course little Dot. - [giggles]
Monkey, I believe we're on the same side here,
fighting the same war.
We're lucky they found us. They saved me.
Hey, we were doin' pretty good at saving you.
They just had, like, you know, fancier toys.
W-w-wait. Hold on.
If Haruka is back to being Haruka,
where's Bonsai Master's sword?
[grunts]
You should show him.
[machine whirring]
- [Monkey vocalizing] - [Boone] What are they?
Humanity's worst impulses
harnessed into hilts and blades.
What'd these guys do, raid Nic Cage's garage?
[Boone] What you need to know is what they were before.
Eons ago, a humble farmer from a starving village
unearthed something transcendent.
Soon, their barren fields were overflowing with food.
But as with all things good, it was desired by those evil.
And before long, a warlord stole the relic for his own selfish gain.
He melted it down, turned it into eight brutal tools.
And with those weapons, they conquered the world.
Until eventually, they turned on each other.
Weapons were separated, cycling between dictators,
tyrants, and sadists.
But one group grew smarter.
They saw how flaunting this power only led to attention,
and attention only led to death.
So they made a pact to rule from the shadows.
They became the puppet masters,
pulling the strings on world order.
They gave themselves a name.
A name only whispered for fear of the danger it brings.
They are the Aldermen.
[Bryce snoring]
Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring.
Well, okay. Wow. You guys, so, so good.
Dude, can we please go? Iris is--
[grunting]
[inquisitive grunting]
You can call us the Assassins Cooperative,
a group of former killers for hire.
We kick Alderman ass now.
Each of us has had our lives ruined by these false gods.
Hits that they orchestrated that cost us friends.
Hush. Don't try to talk, Ito-san.
And family.
You animal!
Yeah. And in many cases, our own lives.
[Double-Tap] Hell yeah.
We're tired of killing.
We are tired of killing.
So tired.
[grunts]
But that exhaustion will end soon.
Once we have all the weapons, we will do what nobody has.
Reforge the relic, use it to heal the planet
like it healed that barren village.
And with it, we can create a world where killing is a thing of the past.
But if these weapons are so powerful,
why not use the ones you have here to get the rest?
Oh, my, what a novel idea.
It's just too risky.
Once wielded, the weapon's spirit
seeps into your soul.
You know what I'm talkin' about.
[Slyke] We got the bastards on the rope, though.
We just need something to push us over the top.
There's only two more of those yellow-eyed freaks
for us to find and take down.
Two more weapons, and this world can finally be saved.
So what do you say?
- Huh? - We would love your help.
Haruka's too.
[Monkey growling softly]
[vocalizing]
Bro, you're more than qualified to be here.
But we're not asking because of your skill.
We're asking because we all remember what it was like
to be stuck in the quicksand.
Every kill pulling you in deeper
until you're just drowning in hopelessness.
Begging for there to be something more.
That's what this mission gave us, man.
Something to believe in.
A way to climb out.
That's what we want to give you. A rope.
It's up to you to decide if you want to take it.
Oh, please. We're not sinking, we're thriving.
We're a duo who sometimes flirt as a trio.
Either way, we don't need your rope.
But we do need to get to a certain bistro before they close.
Alright, look, tell you what, just think about it.
You know where to find us if you want.
[door opens]
♪♪
[grunting]
Keep 'em, for the angry thoughts.
[pigeon cooing]
[Bryce] You're not really considering that shit, are you?
- [Monkey grunts] - Why?
Because they're a cult.
Or was that not clear from the
prolonged eye contact and creepy-ass manifesto?
Is he still complaining?
I thought they had some really good points.
W-w-what do you mean, points?
No, they're trying to say they can get rid of killing,
like it's a venereal disease.
[Monkey groans]
Now, look, I know you hate your job,
but you can't blindly latch on to the first person
who says they'll solve your problems for you.
No, that's how crypto schemes work.
And most marriages.
No, no, the only way your life gets better
is if you fix it yourself, okay?
And I'm about to show you that right now.
Yeah, Monkey,
I'm going to go home and dig into the Aldermen,
see how they connect to Tokyo.
- You got this? - [grunts]
Yeah.
- [bell tinkles] - Alright. There she is.
Oh, no. We are not doing this today.
I just got triple sat, and we're short on runners.
So if you're here for another slideshow, I'm gonna pass.
- Y-yeah, no, I understand-- - And even if today weren't shit,
I'd still pass, because your friend Bryce
is no-good Tempe trash.
Hey, don't put Tempe on blast.
Iris, table 13 needs bread.
I said I'd get it, man!
I don't know what he told you, but what I know
is that he was never there.
- Not to teach me to ride a bike. - [Bryce] No, no, no, I--
Not to take me to the father-daughter dance.
Not to hold my hand and tell me everything would be okay
while my mom was dying, hooked up to a chemo drip.
Oh, come on.
- Iris! - Give me a fuckin' second, man.
And now he sends some monkey in a suit to reach out.
No, I am better off without him.
My mom was better off without him.
So you can go and tell your friend--
- What the... - [retches]
[people screaming, shouting]
[Iris] Oh, God, I'm sorry. I saw my dead--
That's it, Iris. You're fired.
[Iris] What? You're firing me?
[manager] Gone! Afuera!
[grunts]
[door slams]
[glass shatters, objects clattering]
Hey, Monkey. I had my Interpol contacts
run a search on the Aldermen...
Oh, I'm guessing it didn't go great.
- Well, listen, I-- - [Eunice] Oh, look who's finally home.
Oh, yeah. Eunice is still here, and she's so happy.
Supercop here said that you met with some assassins co-op today.
You know you got a noncompete clause with me, right?
Polyamory ain't for us. You got to pick, them or me.
Oh, here we go with the guilt tripping.
Monkey, listen, you don't owe her anything.
- You-- - Excuse me? Uh, he owes me work.
That's the entire premise of our relationship.
[Haruka] Relationship?
[Eunice] He works. I pay him money.
That's how jobs work.
I don't know how you get paid. You know what I'm sayin'?
You probably skim some off the top of...
- [dialogue continues indistinctly] - [objects clattering]
[Eunice] But let me explain somethin' how it work over here...
[♪ serene music playing]
This is the best you could do, huh?
Sure. Go back to Earth, force project, fight giants.
But talk to your daughter? No, no, no, I'm sorry.
That's a little too tough for me. [grunts]
This-- [groans]
Ah.
[Iris] ...what I know is that he was never there.
Not to teach me to ride a bike.
[gasps, grunts]
Not to take me to the father-daughter dance.
- [groans] - [Iris] Not to hold my hand and tell me
everything would be okay while my mom was dying...
[grunts]
[glass shatters]
- Boo. [laughs] - [Bryce gasps]
I told you, it's too late to fix the past.
And now here you are reeking of regret. [sniffs]
I love it. [laughs]
You take issue with our deal?
No, I take issue with not being recognized.
I'm up here doing good work for you, man.
And I'm still stuck with these Casper the friendly fuckhead powers.
Anything can be altered, Bryce, if you're willing to pay.
Great. I want you to make Iris understand
why I had to leave, and make her forgive me.
Oh, well, I'm not a ventriloquist.
I can't control people.
Only nudge them. Encourage.
Fine. I want a body and a voice. Uh, my body and voice.
And I know every inch of me, so don't get cheap.
Done. [giggles]
- [flames whooshing] - Ah! Ooh...
[Devil] Forty-eight hours of physical form.
Turn it on or off as you see fit.
Oh, so it's like TiVo.
It's not like TiVo.
I mean, if you say so.
And when it's up?
You come home with me.
What's this all going to cost me?
Nothing, for now, but I'll come calling soon.
And rest assured, Bryce, what I want,
you won't like giving up.
[evil laughter]
[♪ "Out of the Races and Onto the Tracks" by The Rapture resumes]
- [Haruka] You are exploiting him. - [Eunice] What?
He's got premium cable.
Ooh. Oh, shit.
Huh?
[rustling]
[crunching]
Hey, there. Anybody else need a drink?
♪♪
♪ Out of the races and onto the track ♪
Hey, Monkey!
I'm off leash, baby. Whoo!
[reporter] We now turn to a developing story.
A giant ogre with a club
tore through Dumbo this morning,
clutching what appeared to be a feudal Japanese samurai,
- destroying buildings, injuring... - [siren wails]
[♪ dramatic music playing]
♪♪
[fanfare plays]