I would like to thank the legislature
for trusting and partnering with me
on a leaner, yet stronger university system.
My predecessors,
as president and CEO of Railton,
ballooned our budget,
and created a system of redundancies and bureaucracies
that ran wild.
Together, with the legislature,
we take step one in correcting this mistake.
By tomorrow,
this week of layoffs will be behind us.
It will have been painful,
yet, I assure you we are up to the task.
Thank you, everyone.
Wait, uh, Professor! Hey, did you read my story yet?
No. Uh... I just have to get through
War and Peace and Moby Dick first, then your story.
That's okay. Looks like you might not be here that much longer anyway.
You know, when the writing thing doesn't work out,
try a career in college administration.
You'd be great at it.
Uh, I'm sorry, Professor!
- Mr. Pope is now-- - Where is he?
I can't say.
I know about the pencils, Dennis.
What?
The pencils.
My assistant, Rachel, told me.
He makes you sharpen all of his pencils
to the exact same length.
And if one goes shorter than the others,
you have to fix 'em all.
And if any go below 17 centimeters,
you have to start all over.
Some days are just about pencils.
Yeah.
Eighteen...
It's 18 centimeters.
Check the cafeteria in the Lemke Center.
You can't do that.
Did you just lick--
Look... use a container, okay?
I'll pay for it. I'll buy you raisins.
You know? Just-- It's gross.
I'm looking forward to seeing your list this afternoon, Hank.
Though I doubt it will come.
Don't worry,
I have one of my own made already.
I'm going straight to the press.
I know that you siphoned off funds
that were allocated for the faculty
to pay for the shortfall in your building.
- In fact, I have proof! - You do not.
Yeah. A letter from Jeffrey Epstein. It's...
Yeah.
He knows.
He doesn't like it.
In fact, he feels guilty.
He's a good guy, your buddy, Jeffrey Epstein.
He's not my buddy.
Do not associate me with that name.
And there is no letter.
Because what you said is untrue.
No, there is. And it's in a safe-deposit box.
If anything happens to me,
Rudy Giuliani has the other key.
You stopped moving.
You stopped showering.
Ha, ha.
Why don't you help make dinner?
Doing something can make you feel better.
Not always, but it's been known to help.
I can open the wine.
- No. - What?
Last time you opened the wine,
you got cork in the, uh, drinking part.
I can open the wine.
Oof! I had to say goodbye to so many colleagues today.
Herb, he was actually sobbing.
Oh, yeah? Was he chopping onions for you?
Oh, sorry. I know you had a hard day, too.
No, today was just sharpening blades.
Tomorrow, I cut heads off.
Good luck. You couldn't even chop that fish's head off that one time.
You made me do it.
Yeah. It was disturbing how easily it came to you.
Have you figured out who you're gonna fire yet?
No!
What's wrong with this thing?
Julie?
Can we talk to each other?
No. No, we can't, Russell.
Please! I love you, Julie! I just want to explain things a little bit.
You lied to my face!
If you don't go away right now, I will throw this bottle...
- No! Don't! Come on. - ...through the glass and right at your head!
- Honey, don't. - I'm stepping back!
- Honey, let me do it. - I got it.
- Please. - I got it!
Maybe just give it to your dad.
Yeah. I can do it. You're too...
Julie...
- Come on. - God damn it!
No!
Oh...
Oh.
Get me another one.
To throw?
To drink.
Maybe screw top.
Don't look at me! Turn around!
Turn around!
♪ Oh, my enemy ♪
♪ I have given up on you, sir ♪
♪ I don't care About the future ♪
♪ But I want to care... ♪
- Dad, let me help you. - No. I got it.
No problem.
Easy... peasy.
Oh...
Never happened.
♪ Take me there ♪
Russell?
Yeah?
How long are you gonna stay out here?
Till Julie talks to me.
But what if she doesn't wanna talk to you?
Well... come on, Mom.
It's Julie.
I mean, she doesn't really know what she wants.
She might.
- I'm gonna miss you. - Me too.
Did you see Russell up there?
Yep.
What should I do, Mom?
Um... whatever you do,
just remember to be calm and reasonable.
- I love you. - Love you.
Dad broke your nightstand.
Are you able to come home this weekend?
Uh, I'm sorry, I can't.
There's this fundraiser at school on Saturday.
Can you come to New York?
Uh...
Probably need to be here, right,
because of everything that's going on?
Oh, I... I-- I can stop work for a weekend.
It's a really big deal, what's happening in your department.
And you decided to stay here and not come with me to New York,
'cause you weren't ready to give up your career.
I did say that, didn't I?
Ugh, I hate me.
Just don't make a joke of that decision.
Just really be in your career.
Okay.
Oh, shit.
English Department.
- I need your help with something. - Okay.
If you had to fire three people...
No.
- ...which would you pick? - No.
I'm not saying you have to fire them,
and I'm not saying I would choose the same three. Okay? Although--
No.
All right.
Ah... Finny.
Emma.
Gracie.
Psst! Psst! Psst!
Sorry about the "Spanky" thing.
It's okay, Billie.
I've been with this department for 26 years.
Even before it was a department.
It was just four of us working out of a two-room storage closet
in the basement of the old gym.
You know that's not true.
Well, it might have been.
You know?
Did you know that it was me that brought in Shifelli.
I also brought in Shapiro.
I kicked Nelson out when she started showing up drunk every day.
I know... the irony.
- Jesus Christ. - Billie, you don't have to justify.
But why is it that the experienced
are the ones who get the axe first?
I mean, who conjured up that policy?
You know, let some stupid 24-year old twit out of Oberlin
teach Shakespeare, and Milton, and... Jesus.
You know, they're gonna cancel the whole Renaissance
if we don't stop them.
You know, if it's not some screaming exegesis of the left--
Billie! Come on. Come on.
Listen...
We practically raised our families together.
You remember?
You dropped Julie off in the morning,
and Lucy would babysit her all day.
It was nice.
I'm not gonna fire you.
No?
No.
That's not why I called you in.
I-- I called you in here...
I mean, right from the start, to simply ask you a question.
Which three of these people would you fire?
Oh!
Well, I sure as shit ain't gonna do your dirty work.
Good luck, Spanky.
Did you set up your keyboard yet?
No.
I'm scared I won't remember how to play C chord.
Oh, you'll find out.
I will find out.
You know what weirdly I'm looking forward to most is an unbroken night's sleep.
Hank gets up several times in the night
with these phantom urges to pee.
I'm sorry, he gets what?
Like, he needs to pee, but he can't.
But he has to get up anyway, just in case.
- Oh, my God. - What?
That's Catherine Keener.
Yeah, that's her.
Her characters are so unlikable.
Shush.
It's true.
- Go say hi. - Shush, shush.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi.
I really love your work.
Thank you. Appreciate it.
I've seen everything probably...
probably twice.
Oh, wow.
Really, thank you.
Okay.
Okay, so this is like a weird thing fan thing.
She wants a photo.
- Oh, of course. Sure. - Oh, no, not that, not that. Uh, I mean, I will.
- I mean-- - But, um, no.
It's just that my husband and I...
I just think you'll think this is funny.
Um, every time your name comes up,
he makes a move on me.
- Oh. - Yep.
Wow. Well, I guess he's my fan then.
Actually, it works for both of us, so.
Yeah.
This is about the time that I'd...
I'd run out from a potential psycho.
- Oh, no! - But you know what?
No, my husband and I have a similar thing with Winston Churchill, so.
- Different story. - Really?
No!
- No. - I'm so dumb.
Is he here?
Who-- Who?
Your husband?
Oh, right!
Um, no. He's in Pennsylvania.
I got a really good job here that I couldn't turn down, so--
But he'll come visit.
Yeah. That's tough, though, with the long-distance thing.
Oh.
I...
Well, there's my co--
This is my coffee shop,
so I'm sure I'll see you around.
Okay.
You just feel free to drop my name if you wanna get some.
I will!
Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Oh, shit.
I forgot the picture.
Hank is never gonna believe me.
I love New York.
Come on. Come on.
Hank.
You're not helping anybody by drawing this out.
I don't know what to do.
Jesus.
You're a mess.
What to do, what to do?
There's gotta be a last-ditch attempt,
a Hail Mary.
Those never work.
That's why they call them a Hail Mary.
That lady couldn't throw to save her life.
But I can.
So here goes.
Ready, fire, aim.
Hey. This is an impressive place.
It is not.
Well, it makes an impression.
That's the point.
You know, if you get fancy, everybody sees that.
They're gonna wanna get fancy, too.
I don't mind this.
Plus, I got a 30,000-square-foot house.
The thing's so big, I gotta put maps up
with these signs that say "you are here".
I got lost in it twice.
What can I do for you fellas?
Uh, we're here to talk to you
about your good pal, Dickie Pope.
Good pal?
I thought so.
You know, with my name, it's kinda hard to get into certain country clubs.
I thought maybe Dickie Pope would be my way in.
Talk about a fair-weather friend.
Soon as that final check cleared,
it was "Sayonara, Jeffrey Epstein."
No! That seemed like such a solid friendship.
Yeah, I get it.
I mean, you think a guy who leads a university
would want to be good friends to the university,
but instead, like... like you told us,
he plunders ten mil from just anywhere.
And unfortunately for us, it's...
as you know...
in the faculty budget.
That seems unlikely.
Well, pretty sure that was it.
He probably just went and financed the building.
That's how these things go.
Too many tax incentives to not just go get a mortgage.
I'm sorry, I'm not trying to burst your bubble. It's just...
I really doubt that there's some secret ten million out there
that's gonna help ya.
So it was just a loan?
I think that's the simplest answer.
Now, look-- I mean, if you guys get fired, call me up.
I'll be the first one to buy you a beer. I like you guys.
You know, you're--
you're like, uh... friends.
I don't really have friends.
It's hard when everybody wants something from you.
Well, maybe you could put in a good word for us
with, uh, your friends on the board.
- Sure, fellas. - Thanks.
We should be at Nora's bar by 5:00 p.m., maybe earlier,
so you can stop by and buy us all the beers you want.
It's a date.
This could be every day, but in a warmer climate.
What is it with you and Florida?
I like to think of it as North Cuba.
You know I'm Cuban, right?
Of course.
I'm not going to Florida, Jacob.
You could stay.
No one's forcing you out.
I cannot.
I just can't work for that guy, Dickie.
You've always been too good for this job.
Too soft-hearted.
Maybe.
He just doesn't believe in public education.
Hmm.
It's perverse that he has this job.
- Mm-hmm. - Doesn't make sense.
What can I do to get you to leave with me?
What you don't understand is I actually like it here.
I feel like a teenager when I'm with you.
It's good to see your face.
I'm working.
Uh, is there an outlet, uh, in there that I can use?
I-- I'm trying to hook up my space heater and my--
and my phone's gonna die.
No.
Okay.
Is there one out here that I'm missing, or...
No.
And if there was, you couldn't use it.
Yeah, I know we have problems.
You know?
But I really, really wanna work on them.
You cheated on me.
How is that working on problems?
Well, you cheated on me twice.
I was 19,
and you were so stoned the entire time, you hardly noticed.
I noticed.
Look, sometimes, it's hard for me to bring things up with you
because you get really angry, or--
or judgmental, like-- like your dad.
- I'm not like my dad. - Yeah, no, I know, I know.
I know. That-- That's why I love you.
But you can...
Sometimes, when I'm saying something, you know, you can act, um...
- like-- - How could you do this to me?
My parents are splitting up,
and then you go and you do this to me?
Sometimes, it's scary to bring up issues with you.
So what if it's scary? How weak are you?
I--
Here's a life hack...
Ugh.
When you're in the middle of your worst day,
pick the worst thing you have to do and get it done.
I mean, how much further down can you go?
Oh, here he comes.
Ahem. Bartow.
Let me guess. You hated it,
but you gave me a B-plus to keep my parents off your back.
I hated it. I gave it an A.
For different reasons, though. This...
Pacing drives us forward,
and the ideas rise to the surface slowly...
deftly...
but we never get ahead of it.
This is good. Do more of this.
I think there's more to the rest of the story that--
No. No, there isn't.
Just this.
Four excellent sentences.
But most people can't do this.
All right.
- Well, thanks for the A. - Yep.
So you're just not gonna do it? You're not gonna make a list?
Turns out I'm not a list guy.
If they ask for a collage...
And you think that'll work?
Yeah.
Just get some images, and words,
and glitter and glue.
No. No, it's not gonna work.
Did it get you off?
Excuse me?
Sleeping with the dean. Did it get you off the list?
I don't know what you mean.
Your shirt's inside out and you smell like balls.
"Yes, this was love,
this ridiculous bouncing of the buttocks,
and the wilting of the poor, insignificant, moist, little penis."
DH Lawrence.
Mm. Well, you had me at "bouncing buttocks"
and lost me at "moist, white little penis."
He didn't say "white."
- I just assumed. - Hmm.
So... what now?
Uh, now we celebrate the feeling
that comes with a shared defeat.
Maybe we'll finally bond.
Doubtful.
Well...
Drinks at Nora's. It's on me.
Silver lining.
You should go home and take a shower.
I got it. I-- I got it!
- No, but in a white wine glass and it can't be a-- - Ugh.
Meg.
Hi.
I didn't think I'd see you here for a while.
Yeah, maybe I need a new bar.
Look...
I don't really get marriage.
It's not something that I saw growing up
and it's not this sacred thing to me.
I just...
I don't get it.
But I didn't seduce Russell.
It's not like we have feelings for each other.
No feelings? That's a great guide for your sex life.
Well, to be honest,
I kinda felt sorry for him.
No one should be allowed to get married at 22.
That's definitely for you to decide.
That's the vibe that I got from him, Hank.
- Not me. - Oh, yeah?
Well, he's camped out on my porch right now,
begging her to take him back,
so I'm getting a different vibe.
Shit.
- Excuse me, can I-- - Yeah, just one second.
I'm sorry that Julie is hurting.
Tell her that I didn't mean to get in between--
I'm not gonna deliver your apology for you.
And you're not really apologizing.
Well, I wasn't trying to hurt her.
Well, who-- Who were you trying to hurt?
- Now could... - Yes.
What do you want?
If it's me, will you guys visit me in South Carolina?
- Absolutely not. - No way.
- What's in South Carolina? - My sister lives there.
We hate each other,
but she said she'd put me up for six months, so.
Can I join you?
I'm not interested in sharing a drink with management right now.
Well, that's okay, because I tendered my resignation an hour ago.
Well, that gets you a drink.
Spanky, get him a beer.
Um...
Seriously? You jumped ship without a lifeboat?
Practically.
That might have been a little hyperbole there.
- Hmm. - The letter is written.
I just need to spell check it and stuff.
Definitely spell check it.
There's nothing sadder than a PhD's resignation loiter.
You two again?
I've known her 25 years,
I still can't predict the next thing out of her mouth.
Yeah, but you know it's gonna be about her.
That's okay.
I'm over me.
They wouldn't rent me a moped.
- Hank. - The injustice.
Injustice.
Hey, you made it.
Epstein!
- Fellas! - All right.
Hey, you guys.
Um... English department, this is Jeffrey Epstein.
Jeffrey Epstein, this is the English department.
I'm really sorry, guys, must be a rough night.
I called my friend on the board
to see if there was anything he could do.
- He said it's done. - Wonderful.
- Actually, we haven't heard yet. - Would someone tell us?
All right. You guys...
Emma...
Finny and Billie.
I'm so sorry.
We're hurting right now.
But we're professors.
We don't lay down.
Because we're professors,
and we know that's grammatically incorrect.
We lie down,
or we stand up,
and we go to my house,
and we party.
Right now.
Carpe diem. Who's with me?
I have a hot tub.
Dickie Pope is the worst person I ever met.
And I've met an actual Nazi.
All he cares about is money.
Doesn't care about bettering public education.
As a matter of fact, he wants to destroy it.
I... I've heard that he eats garbage.
This is the saddest hot tub party I've ever been to.
I've been to one sadder.
What's the deal?
I mean...
why does he wanna save money so bad?
Is he taking a cut?
I think it's his weird obsession with MIT.
What are you talking about?
I told you about that. Didn't I tell you about that?
No.
This guy wants to be president of an Ivy like his life depends on it.
MIT's not an Ivy League.
Whoa. What about MIT?
What did he say about MIT?
I-- I got in touch with a head-hunter
who told me there's a position there,
at the top.
Is that what Dickie's gunning for?
Is that why the deep cut, so he can prove himself to them?
- Guys... - Because that is a significant infraction
of his fiduciary duties here at this college.
Look, if you have something on Dickie Pope, we want to hear it.
And we'll make it worth your while.
No, you can't.
You forget, I'm a billionaire.
I know, I forget, too.
Sometimes, I wake up and look around, I go, "Oh, my God."
I will write you a poem.
I-- That's priceless.
Look, what about the "Q"...
in the building, in your name?
You-- You never liked that. That bothered you.
We-- We'll get it taken out.
I don't think you have the power to do that.
Oh, that was Dickie's thing.
No one else that mattered cared.
That little twerp.
...97...
98...
- Dennis! - Dick.
Hank, you've entered my office.
Oh, yeah. That's how I got in. Yeah.
I trust you received my list.
Uh... might have accidentally gone to my inbox.
I only read my spam.
Time. Dennis!
No. Look, um, I wanna chat with you, because--
Did you hear the news?
I'm going to be the new president of MIT.
You are not.
- I'm not? - No.
How would you know that?
It was... It was a tough job to get.
Right? I had to be devious.
They wanted a-- a clown, the modern kind,
you know, that kills with glee.
So, first, I had to go to clown college.
I have work to do.
You can go.
- You can go. - It's my office.
Except... it's not.
Yes?
Mr. Pope, the Board of Trustees would like to speak with you.
Fine. Put them through.
They're not on the phone. They're meeting upstairs right now.
That sounds serious.
...the discovery that Richard Pope
violated his fiduciary duty to the college.
The current president and CEO cut 25% of the faculty,
falsely claiming that it was to benefit the school,
all in an effort to pad his resume
and gain favor for a position at MIT.
His assistant,
under cover of Pennsylvania's whistleblower law,
has forwarded emails,
phone logs, and travel logs, all confirming the allegations.
You know, it's getting cold out there.
Is it?
Did you talk to him yet?
Not really.
Are you going to?
I don't know.
You know, listen, I know you think that I'm partially responsible,
you know, because I got him the job in the bar.
And maybe I'm partly to blame...
for different reasons. Uh...
I'm-- I'm...
Forget it. I'm sorry I did that.
Thank you.
I'm sorry for what you and Mom are going through.
What-- What we're going through?
Oh...
I can't...
- Whatever. - What?
What do you think is happening?
You're here,
and Mom's in New York with her hot ex-boyfriend and a broken end table.
You tell me that's not separated.
He's not hot.
He's younger than you.
So, yeah, the board is initiating conversations,
and, uh, we will see.
We will see.
Well, that's great.
Yeah.
I also had a pretty interesting day.
Yeah?
Do you remember that thing
about how every time I say Catherine Keener's name, you make a move on me?
Uh, no, I-- I don't.
Of course you do.
We've talked about this.
Well, I don't remember.
You really don't?
Oh.
Okay. It's...
It's nothing, anyway.
Forget it.
Oh, hey...
Julie thinks we're separated.
We're not separated.
I know, right?
That's just... just silly.
It's so silly.
Uh...
I've got another big day tomorrow,
I think I should go to sleep.
- Okay, good night. - Okay.
Yeah.
Hey!
Team, wanna hear what I just heard?
It is official.
We've all been reinstated, and Dickie Pope is out.
Well, hey, we should-- we should all go get lunch.
Yeah, we just hung out.
Hey, where's Spanky?
Oh, yeah. Well, why isn't he the one delivering the news?
Yeah, he's only the chair of the department.
Oh, he's totally avoiding us.
Rachel?
I don't know.
I think he slipped away.
- Hmm. - Isn't this what he wanted?
Oh, God.
I've known the man for 25 years.
I still have no idea what he wants.
I don't even think he knows.
Here I am feeling proud of myself.
How about that?
Hmm. So why aren't I going out there?
They're only going to be happy with me.
Probably the first and last time.
I have a headache.
If I asked Occam, he'd say...
"It's not them I want to share this with."
Hello.
I had a few minutes.
I...
I bought lunch.
I had a good day.
Is this chicken salad, Alison?
It's turkey.
And, uh, this is Laurel.
But...
I told you about those layoffs I was put in charge of.
You remember that?
You said it.
And, yes, we heard it.
Okay. Well...
I figured a way around it.
No one's gonna get fired.
Not just in my department, but, uh...
across the humanities.
No one saved my job.
Yeah. Well, there were a lot of jealous people there at Columbia.
Cutthroat is what it was.
And they cut my throat.
You retired.
I didn't retire.
Don't be naive.
Well, maybe you're not as sharp as you once were.
That-- That's... You don't have to be bitter about it.
Right? You can just look back at a great long run. Okay?
My mind is fine.
There's professors there that can't find their own feet.
They set me up.
They fact-checked me like "gotcha" journalists.
Fact-checked?
What are you talking about?
He-- He's not talking about anything.
He-- He's just a little confused.
I wrote a piece last year
about my experiences at the march in Selma, 1965.
We lived in Colorado that year.
You... Were you at Selma?
I could have been!
That's my point.
Better saying that I was there
than saying I watched on TV.
You think that gets picked up in a journal?
You gotta keep publishing, or--
or you don't get invited to panels.
So if I screwed up,
it was because of their system that pushed me to it.
They're all responsible.
Oh, it's an understandable mistake.
Their mistake.
I-- I was taking well-earned license.
You made up facts for an essay
so that you could be invited to panels?
What else is there?
I've started archiving your father's work.
And, actually, I need to come to you
and see if we can find a young student
that might be interested in being part of...
For 45 years, I'd been dying to know
what was so valuable that he'd leave his family.
And there it is...
conferences.
All this time, I thought he knew something.
I was trying to get answers from him,
but what answers could I get from such a flawed man
that wouldn't be wrong?
What a loser.
He could have stayed...
and had a son, known his grandchildren.
He could have had a wife who just adored him.
He could have had everything that I have.
I have everything.
♪ Now that I've lost Everything to you ♪
♪ You say you wanna start Something new ♪
♪ And it's breakin' my heart That you're leavin' ♪
♪ Baby, I'm grievin' ♪
♪ But if you want to leave Take good care ♪
♪ You've got A lot of nice things to wear ♪
♪ But then a lot of nice things Turn bad out there ♪
♪ Ooh, baby, baby It's a wild world... ♪
Hi.
♪ It's hard to get by Just upon a smile ♪
♪ Ooh, baby, baby It's a wild world ♪
♪ I'll always remember you Like a child ♪
Parking around here is a brainteaser.
Does this, uh, place have a bathroom?
Or is it one of those SROs where you...
- No. - ...everybody shares down the hall?
Ah!
♪ Ooh, baby, baby It's a wild world... ♪
Oh, yeah!
Look at that!
New York!
♪ ...just like a child ♪
New York!
♪ Ooh, baby, baby It's a wild world... ♪
Hey, New York!