You kids remembered to pack
- your PJs, right? - - KIDS: Yeah. - Yes, Dad.
How about your little jelly shoes for the showers?
Unpack your bags and make sure you've got
your little jelly shoes in there.
Kevin, relax, it's a two-day music camp.
A two-day music camp eight hours away!
In the middle of the Outback! Anything could happen out there.
The kids will be just fine.
Morning, little rockstars!
How're my future Kylie Minogues doing?
Can't get you out of my head.
Mum, I don't want to go to music camp. What if I end up like Little Nina.
That teeny weenie freak
whose growth was stunted
from playing bassoon at a young age?
She's magnificent. Fit her right in your pocket, you could.
Go on, Alison. Channel that teenage angst into your French horn.
Ugggh!
Well, gonna be real quiet around here, I reckon.
Got the whole place to ourselves.
Yes.
Well, Kevin, this would be a good time
to have a little talk.
A talk? Okay, I guess we can have a talk.
Oh, did you see Big Greg's got a new book out?
I swear to God, he's just a show-off.
And you know what, everyone knows it, so I don't even care anymore.
I mean a talk talk. About this whole Koala Man thing.
Ah, a Koala Man talk talk.
All right, you have my full attention, Vicky.
Let's dive in. Just me and you,
no distractions.
All right.
When you first started being Koala Man,
I thought it would only be...
Wait! Stop! Time out! Liam forgot his jacket!
Kevin, it's fine.
You know how cold it gets in the Outback at night!
I've gotta get this jacket to Liam!
Let's think... the maximum speed
of a school bus is 80 kilometers an hour.
The speed limit for an automobile such as mine is 110.
So, rounding down to 100 for safety,
I should be able to catch up to the bus within an hour.
Don't you think you're overreacting, Kevin?
Do you know what happens when I underreact, Vicky?
People die.
Go then.
But on the drive, I want you to have a good long think
about why you are the way you are.
I'm afraid there will be no time to dig into my past, Vicky!
I've got a job to do.
Why won't that come off?
Oh, that's like a crack from a pebble or something.
Oh, sugar. Oh, well, good enough.
Let's ride.
Koala Kode one-one-eight:
For more Koala Kodes, download the Koala App.
It's not a virus anymore. We fixed it.
Travelogue number one.
I'm in hot pursuit of the camp bus.
"Operation: Bring Liam His Jacket" is well underway.
Think I'll just enjoy the drive for a bit,
while I try to think of a better name for this operation.
What was with Vicky back there?
"Why are you the way that you are?"
Why is anyone the way they are?
As if a sequence of formative events
could shape one's behavior. Ridiculous.
♪ Toot toot, wham bam huge blue van... ♪
Wait, this track seems strangely familiar.
♪ Wham bam, huge blue van ♪
♪ We're gonna take you away ♪
Look, gang! I think I see
our old friend up the road:
Uncle Bumpy!
Hi, Tigglies!
Room for one more?
- Sure! -There's always room for one more!
Hop, hop, hop on, Uncle Bumpy!
Tiggle till you giggle! Giggle-giggle-gig...
♪ Toot toot, wham bam huge blue van... ♪
Kevin, do you reckon we'll be mates
like the Tigglies when we grow up?
Of course, Christopher!
It's like the Tigglies always say,
"'Friend' Is A Forever Word."
Oi! (gulps) What the fuck is this shit?!
- Oh, hi, Daddy. - Hi, Detective Williams.
Kevin, some bogan shitbag
wrapped his mouth around a shotgun today
outside the bowl-o.
You think I wanna come home and listen to creeps in skivvies
singing about a big blue van!?
Sorry, Dad!
Go outside and take turns
kicking each other in the balls.
The footy's about to start. Fuck off!
♪ Toot toot, wham bam... ♪
Damn annoying song. Quite repetitive.
Aha! Travelogue number two: I've got eyes on the bus.
Time to wrap this thing up and head... home.
I find myself in the horns of a dilemma.
The Koala Kode says I cannot leave
an injured creature to suffer...
I'm harrowed to say, an illegal U-turn seems in order.
You're all right, little guy.
I got ya. You need help?
Yeh, cunt. You can help me
by giving me your fackin' wallet.
What?!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, let's, uh,
let's just take it easy here, guys.
Just hand over your wallet, dickhead.
And your fackin' keys, too!
Back off!
I'm well trained in the art
of grown-up karate, and I eve--
Ugggh! Ohh! Ooh!
Please! No! Stop!
Aaah!
Get his wallet
and keys! And his phone!
Take his fackin' shoes, too. Fack it.
Keep your ugly fackin' jacket, ya dickhead!
This is not on.
Mindy?
Mindy, is that you?
So, what's the plan?
You're not just gonna lie there and die, are ya?
You've got justice to serve, mate.
Justice...
Mummy, what's happening to Daddy?
Your daddy's going on holiday... by himself.
Listen here, ankle biter.
You're gonna hear a lot of things
about me in the next few weeks.
None of them are true.
Dapto P.D. is dirty.
It's a frame job. This is not on.
It's up to you to be the man of the house now.
You've gotta be tough.
I will, Dad! I'll be tough!
And I'm gonna devote my whole life
to justice, just like you.
Yesssss, Kevin.
There's still work to be done
and justice to be served.
Oh, travelogue number 12:
The Outback is an unforgiving foe,
designed to test the will of man.
I believe I'm starting to hallucinate.
Just earlier I swear I saw a vision of Mindy.
Now I hear the faint sound of music.
It could be my brain is overheating.
My senses at war with themselves.
My sanity slowly slipping.
Scratch that, the music is real.
Is anyone in there?
What do you want?
Please, you've gotta help me.
I'm in need of medical assistance.
And perhaps a light snack.
Nah, you've gotta fuck off, mate.
Oh, please!
I was on a mission to my kids' music camp
and some 'roos just--
What'd you say?
My children are at a remote music camp
in the Outback and I--
Why didn't you say so? Come on in, brother!
Are you... Red Tigglie!?
In the flesh!
Welcome to Tigglie HQ,
the most joyous place on earth!
This is our little hideaway,
where us Tigglies come to work on new music.
I used to love your songs as a kid.
Had every VHS tape you ever put out.
Not one bootleg.
Yes, we've had quite the run.
Back in the '90s,
the Australian children's music scene was on fire.
There was the Jump Patrol,
the Wamby-Jambies,
the Kookabirdos,
the Scootie-Wootie-Woot-Woots.
Then suddenly, the whole industry went tits up.
Other kids bands faded into obscurity.
But here we are, still at it.
It's remarkable you've managed to survive.
Yes... it's a remarkable thing, survival...
Who the hell are you!?
It's all right, he's cool.
This here's Koala Man.
He ran into some trouble on his way to a...
children's music camp.
Ooh, there's a new children's music camp nearby?
In that case, make yourself at home, big man!
Let's get you fixed up.
You look like you've been through hell.
I've gotta say,
you four haven't aged a day since I was a kid.
Well, chalk it up to clean eating.
So, Koala Man,
where is this music camp, anyway?
Just a few kilometers east of Bathurst.
Could I trouble you for a ride there?
We'd be happy to drive ya.
Yeah. We'd love to check out this camp.
Great! Oh, can I use your toilet before we go?
There were no public restrooms on the way.
I nearly had to urinate on the side of the road
like a common pervert.
Down the way you came,
second door on the left.
Oh, thank God.
I nearly doused me dacks.
Hall monitor log...
Hall monitor log, number 150.
Wednesday, 9:27 a.m.
The halls are quiet today. Eerily quiet.
It's as if the forces of injustice
are biding their time,
waiting for just the right opportunity to strike.
Morning, Christopher.
- Where are you headed? - Oh, hey, Kevin.
- I just need to use the bathroom. - Understood.
Just need a quick look at your hall pass
and then you can be right on your way.
I don't have one. It's kind of an emergency, Kev.
No hall pass? This is not on.
You got me in a tough spot here, mate.
Aw, Kevin, come on! The toilets are right there!
I'm about to burst!
I really can't let you in there, Chris.
We'll just have to pop back into class
and get you a proper hall pass.
I'll wait for you out here.
Hall Monitor log number 151.
Brief incident regarding
an unauthorized attempt at urination.
Stand by for upda--
He pissed his pants!
Hey, Chris, try not to slip in your own piss, mate!
Aah!
He just told you not to slip,
ya fackin' idiot!
♪ Pissy Chrissy! ♪
♪ Pissy Chrissy... ♪
You did the right thing, Kevin. You did.
- Who are you!? - Oh, hi there.
I'm Dennis. Nice to meet ya, mate.
Are you joining me?
What is this place?
This is where they send the rejects.
Been down here since I was a kid.
Wasn't very good at music,
so I never made it onto the menu.
The menu?
How do you think they stay young?
Aaaah!
Tiggle till you giggle, mate.
Oi!
Start the huge blue van!
Travelogue number 13:
The Tigglies have been eating musically talented children
to retain their youth
in an orgy of cannibalistic excess
and black magic.
Very not on.
I need to find a way out of here
before my own kids fall prey to this.
Liam is quite good at the keyboard
and probably delicious.
It's no use, Koala Man.
Best to make yourself comfortable and wait to die.
- Do you want a bite of my slop? - Not now, Dennis.
All right. Your loss. Come to Dennis.
Oh, no, no, no, no...
Is someone else here?
- Uncle Bumpy... - My God,
Uncle Bumpy was the wackiest one of the bunch!
And the most evil.
They kept me alive down here... for him.
What the fack is all this?
Spider! How'd you find me?
Well, couple hours ago, I rang your Koala Phone
to ask to borrow your Koala Mower
and some 'roos answered and they said,
"Oi, dickhead, we beat up your friend."
And I said, "First of all, mate, you're the dickhead."
"Second, you better not have,
I really need to borrow that Koala Mower."
And then they said, "What the fack's a Koala Mower?"
And I said, "It's basically just a regular lawnmower
but with koala ears glued to it."
And they said that was stupid,
and I told 'em, "You're the one who's fackin' stupid, dickhead."
"Why don't ya come to Dapto
and talk shit to my face, see what happens?"
Anyway, they told me they left you on the side of the Princess Highway,
so I came looking for ya.
Spider, I need a ride to music camp, now!
I got the ute parked right outside.
Come on, Dennis. Let's get out of here!
All right. Is it okay if I eat in the car?
Why'd you stop to help those 'roos anyway, Koala Man?
Everyone knows they fuckin' roll ya.
I always help the injured. It's the Koala Kode.
Oh! Well, it looks like those damn millipedes are back.
Ah, nasty buggers!
I'll pop 'round the shops and get some spray.
I can pick up some food if you want--
Kevin!
You're all right, little one. I got you.
Come on, Mindy. Just take it.
Oh, still not eating?
No.
Poor gal's gonna starve to death
if she doesn't eat something soon.
I had an idea. Here, try this on.
I sewed it myself.
That's brilliant, Vicky!
It's just up ahead over there!
Hold onto your cock, mate.
They're here.
I'm going in.
You two stay here and keep lookout.
All right. How you set for weapons?
Hm, we'll talk about the proper permits for these later.
Nah, nah, it's all right. This is all black market shit.
♪ Set the table, grab your forks ♪
♪ Put on your bibs ♪
♪ La-la-la-la la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Let's eat, kids! ♪
- Whoo! - Yeah!
Clean. What a wonderful surprise this has been.
An unexpected drop-in by the Tigglies,
at our music camp!
How lucky!
Well, what can we say?
There's nothing we appreciate more
than children who love music.
Liam and Little Nina, you two are especially talented.
This is bullshit! What about me?
Ehh, you're safe.
"Safe"?
We have chosen Liam and Little Nina!
Your meatiness shall become one with our own.
Not so fast, Tigglies!
You've just met your own personal Yoko Ono.
What?
B-Because I'm gonna break up your band.
Oh, come on, that's not really fair.
Yoko's not the only reason the Beatles broke up.
Yeah, all four of them were going in just different directions.
Whatever, just drop the kids!
Out of the way, you fucking stooge!
Oooh!
- Ohh! - Not so safe now, am I?
Uh, great job, little girl. That was very brave.
You've probably got a very strong
father figure in your life.
Principal Bazwell, watch the kids!
How can we play anything without the bassoon?!
Come on!
Well, guess it's time to catch the bus...
And I have a heavy vehicles license
so it's actually okay.
Come on! Come on!
Activating Spider NOS!
Go, go Koala Klaws!
Ah. Still need to invent those, don't I?
He's not letting go!
Oh, don't worry...
Backup's on the way.
Oh, no... it's Uncle Bumpy.
Jiggle till you giggle!
Jiggle, jiggle, jiggle!
Pull up ahead of Uncle Bumpy.
Wakey, wakey!
It's Uncle Bumpy time!
Please, Uncle Bumpy! Not the hot poker! Noooo!
(laughing) Hey, it's you.
The untalented runt!
That's where you're wrong, Uncle Bumpy.
I finally learned to play an instrument.
Dennis, you inedible bastard.
They wouldn't eat you,
but now you're well done.
This cunt's got a lot of different fackin' punch cards.
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
Turn up the fackin' music,
this is the sickest bit!
Let's fackin' hop, lads!
Little Nina,
I know this might be a weird time to say this, but...
I think I'm in love with you.
Oh, Liam, I'm glad you said that.
Do you... want to get married?
Really?
Yes. I love you, Liam.
I promise that for as long as you live,
you'll never meet another girl
who loves you as much as I love--
I can play bassoon!
Liam!
The Tigglies will not go the way
of the Wamby-Jambies
or the Scootie-Wootie Woot-Woots!
Tigglies are forever!
Liam...
♪ Toot toot, wham bam ♪
♪ Time for me to kill a man! ♪
Ugggh!
Always hated the Tigglies, man. Fackin' shit music.
What's with that weird guitar that's also a little keyboard?
It's facked.
Dad!
Hey, son. I thought you might need this.
You came all the way out here to bring me my jacket?
I thought you might've wanted me to tough it out.
Listen, sweetheart, I can't baby you forever.
You've gotta run along now.
Maybe it's too soon?
Maybe she's still too afraid to be on her own.
I think a little tough love is in order, Vicky.
She's gotta learn to fend for herself!
Go on, Mindy! Run along!
You've gotta be tough! Come on, Mindy!
Good girl.
You'll be all right.
You're tough, aren't ya?
♪ My little koala type bear ♪
♪ Little koala type bear... ♪
No! Mindy! Get off the road!
Noooooooooooo!!!!!!
You don't have to be tough if you don't want to.
You can be whatever you want.
You're babying him, Kevin.
You're teaching the kid to be weak.
He'll get trampled on his entire life
if you don't teach him to be tou--
Hey! Why don't you shut the hell up?
That's what I thought.
Kevin! Liam!
Hi there, honeybun.
Oh! What happened out here?
It's a long story.
Red Tigglie ate my girlfriend.
- What? - This little wimpy shrimpy
had a girlfriend?
That is a tough break.
Probably not gonna come around again for you, is it?
Come on, let's pick up Alison and head home.
And, Vicky...
I'm ready to have that talk when you are.
I don't know why I am the way I am.
Maybe nobody does.
But I do know that I love you,
and I'd do anything for this family.
Aw, don't worry about that talk right now,
you've had a hard day.
Ooh!
You know, it is rather chilly out here.
It's a good thing you brought Liam his jacket.
- Thanks for the ride, Big Greg. - No problem.
Gives us time to listen to the audiobook
of my autobiography.
Unabridged.
My life began when I was waist-deep
in the murky waters of the Amazon,
surrounded by piranhas.
That's when I realized the ultimate truth:
We are all just fish swimming upstream
in a river of dreams...
You may have escaped a brightly dressed children's musical group,
Koala Man,
but you won't escape...
the Kookaburra!
Captioned by Point.360