1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:01,918 ♪ 2 00:00:01,918 --> 00:00:03,962 MAXWELL: Every now and again, 3 00:00:03,962 --> 00:00:09,175 the memories come flooding back to the day I changed the world. 4 00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:11,302 {\an8}(peaceful music playing) 5 00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:12,846 Father, have you heard any news 6 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,472 of the Titanic's maiden voyage? 7 00:00:14,472 --> 00:00:16,057 "The unsinkable ship" they call it! 8 00:00:16,057 --> 00:00:17,976 I sure hope it arrives safely in America. 9 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:21,021 Extry extry! The Titanic has sunk! 10 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:23,148 1,500 dead in freak accident! 11 00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,983 All those innocent people! 12 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:27,235 If only there was something we could have done to save them. 13 00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:29,904 If not for the Red Hot Rule, we could... 14 00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:31,197 The Red Hot Rule? 15 00:00:31,197 --> 00:00:33,533 Maxwell, did you know that being in Australia, 16 00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:36,119 we're actually 15 hours ahead of the USA? 17 00:00:36,119 --> 00:00:38,747 You mean, we're in the future? 18 00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:41,082 Yes. Right now, in the Atlantic, 19 00:00:41,082 --> 00:00:42,834 the Titanic has yet to sink. 20 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,086 In fact, if you were to call and warn 'em, 21 00:00:45,086 --> 00:00:48,214 they'd probably have about... five minutes to prepare. 22 00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:49,632 But we Australians have sworn 23 00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:51,634 to never interfere with the flow of time. 24 00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:54,095 Violating the Red Hot Rule is our greatest crime. 25 00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:55,930 Do you understand, Maxwell? 26 00:00:55,930 --> 00:00:57,682 - (door closes) - Maxwell! 27 00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,517 Nooo! 28 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:03,563 Sir! It's a telegram from the Australian future! 29 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,273 It says: "G'day mate. Stop." 30 00:01:05,273 --> 00:01:07,192 "Cobba, ya ship's about to crash." 31 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:10,403 "Stop. You have five minutes, I reckon. Stop." 32 00:01:10,403 --> 00:01:12,864 Crash? Why would we crash in the next five minutes? 33 00:01:12,864 --> 00:01:14,866 We've already noticed that iceberg over there. 34 00:01:14,866 --> 00:01:17,577 What could possibly put us in such unexpected danger? 35 00:01:17,577 --> 00:01:18,828 I don't know, sir. 36 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:20,455 But maybe we should hold off on opening 37 00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:21,831 this cursed sarcophagus? 38 00:01:21,831 --> 00:01:23,958 Ah. Yeah, I suppose you're right. 39 00:01:23,958 --> 00:01:25,627 Take it back down to cargo, 40 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:27,962 and send Australia our thanks for changing history, will you? 41 00:01:27,962 --> 00:01:30,215 Father! I did it! I saved-- 42 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:32,550 Oh! Father? 43 00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:34,386 FATHER: Take him away, Time Bobbies. 44 00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:37,222 I have no son. 45 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:40,016 MAXWELL: I should have listened to my father. 46 00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:42,644 How was I supposed to know about... 47 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:43,937 her? 48 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,438 (old-time music playing) 49 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:48,525 ♪ Hello, everybody ♪ 50 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:52,696 ♪ I have come to take you back with me ♪ 51 00:01:52,696 --> 00:01:56,658 {\an8}♪ To a land of liberty... ♪ 52 00:01:58,159 --> 00:01:59,911 MAXWELL: She joined the army, 53 00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:03,206 led America to victory in two World Wars, 54 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:06,710 and eventually was sworn in as President Mummy... 55 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:09,337 One day, when signing a peace deal, 56 00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:13,591 she fell in love with that commie bastard Brezhnev. 57 00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:15,427 They both abandoned their people 58 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:17,470 for a quiet life on the moon, 59 00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,389 which left the world in chaos. 60 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,557 (glasses clink) 61 00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,976 Soon after, the bombs started flying 62 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,770 and America became a toxic wasteland, 63 00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:27,147 except for Hollywood, 64 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:30,108 which broke off and became a floating island. 65 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:33,236 But I know the Americans are still out there, 66 00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,321 biding their time. 67 00:02:35,321 --> 00:02:38,283 Waiting for the perfect moment to strike! 68 00:02:38,450 --> 00:02:40,326 - Oooh! - (glasses shatter) 69 00:02:41,745 --> 00:02:45,165 And that's how I fucked up the future. 70 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,292 (theme song playing) 71 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,925 {\an8}(music playing over dialogue) 72 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:15,153 {\an8}Koala Kode 2,040. 73 00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:21,201 {\an8}Remember: if it doesn't have a collar, it's not a shirt. 74 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,871 {\an8}LIAM: I never realized how amazing Americans are! 75 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,289 Chad Wagon says every meal comes with 76 00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:27,624 {\an8}a side dish of freedom! 77 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,125 {\an8}Totally awesome sauce. 78 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,127 Liam, please. I only wanted to come 79 00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:34,089 to this ridiculous novelty restaurant for your twin birthdays 80 00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:36,925 {\an8}because I thought seeing how America's lawless attitudes 81 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,259 {\an8}drove them to destruction 82 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:40,178 would serve as a cautionary tale. 83 00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:41,680 It's working. This birthday sucks. 84 00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:42,972 {\an8}Your plan backfired, Dad! 85 00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:44,849 Now I see how boring Australians are! 86 00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:47,686 {\an8}All we care about is footy or sharks or whatever. 87 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,979 {\an8}Chad Wagon says Americans solve most of their problems 88 00:03:49,979 --> 00:03:51,856 {\an8}through illegal street racing. 89 00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:53,858 (sighs) I wish I were American... 90 00:03:53,858 --> 00:03:55,485 {\an8}America blew itself up! 91 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:56,986 That's why all the Americans have come 92 00:03:56,986 --> 00:03:58,446 {\an8}here to a sensible country! 93 00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:00,407 {\an8}Hey, everyone, ah... 94 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,283 this is, uh... a robbery. 95 00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:03,743 We're fuckin' robbin' youse. 96 00:04:03,743 --> 00:04:06,037 Yeah, give us ya cash or like... 97 00:04:06,037 --> 00:04:09,082 we'll fuckin' shank ya or some shit. 98 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,625 Kevin, do something! 99 00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:13,128 Yes, I'd say this is a job for Koala Man-- 100 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,546 (engines revving) 101 00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,548 (Bon Jovi playing "Raise Your Hands") 102 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:17,966 (tires squeal) 103 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:22,345 ♪ 104 00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:25,640 Oh, my god, it's Chad Wagon! 105 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:31,271 ♪ 106 00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:34,441 ♪ Out on the run, under the gun ♪ 107 00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:36,276 He's perfect. 108 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,861 I would have gotten here sooner, 109 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,739 - but parking, am I right, bro? - (crowd cheers) 110 00:04:40,739 --> 00:04:45,243 ♪ Raise your hands when you wanna let it go... ♪ 111 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,037 Can you pretty please teach me how to be a fun, 112 00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:48,329 freedom-loving American? 113 00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:49,831 I don't know. Do you have what it takes 114 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,125 to be "mi familia"? 115 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:54,169 - Mi familia? -Mi familia. 116 00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:56,046 The family you create when your real family 117 00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,339 won't accept you for who you are. 118 00:04:57,756 --> 00:04:59,382 Actually, Liam already has a very accepting 119 00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:00,759 and Australian family. 120 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,010 He doesn't need to be infected 121 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,261 with your American ideas. 122 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,929 Dude, I wouldn't listen to this guy. 123 00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,015 He looks about 5' 7", max. 124 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:09,100 See ya around, bro. 125 00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,605 (sniffing) 126 00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,775 (sighs) 127 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:18,651 Quiet down, you lot. 128 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:20,362 Big Greg has big news. 129 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:21,571 I've just received word 130 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:24,032 that the Queen herself is coming to Dapto. 131 00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:26,993 Anyone wanna volunteer for the absolute dog shit job 132 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,370 of keeping Her Majesty safe? 133 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:30,121 Oh, I do! Me-me-me! Me! 134 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:32,290 I have it on good authority that Dapto's handsome 135 00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,750 and virile superhero, Koala Man, 136 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,126 would also like to be involved, 137 00:05:35,126 --> 00:05:37,128 uh, perhaps as a means of demonstrating to his son 138 00:05:37,128 --> 00:05:38,546 just how cool Australians can be. 139 00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:40,799 Yeah, yeah, don't care. One more thing-- 140 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:43,218 'cause there is fuck all to do in this wonderful town, 141 00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,470 we'll be bringing forward the Miss Sausage Roll Pageant 142 00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:46,971 so the Queen can crown the winner. 143 00:05:46,971 --> 00:05:48,640 Now, I know that this is last minute, 144 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,433 but I'm sure we can find some desperate, 145 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:51,935 psychotic, unpopular losers 146 00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:53,478 who want to be Miss Sausage Roll. 147 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:56,481 Mum, I'm entering Miss Sausage Roll. 148 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,483 But I need you to buy me a new swimsuit! 149 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:01,027 I got my eye on this one, it barely covers tit and slit. 150 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:03,071 Language! And I forbid you from entering. 151 00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:06,700 But, Muuum, if I win, I get to meet the Queen! 152 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,702 Not even Rosie Yodels has met the Queen! 153 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,370 - I said no! - (scoffs) 154 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,579 You don't understand. 155 00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:13,957 You've been a solid five your entire life. 156 00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:15,667 Oh, have I? 157 00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:18,795 (gasps) Mum?! You were hot? 158 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,797 VICKY: I went after the Miss Sausage Roll crown 159 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:21,965 with everything I had. 160 00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:23,466 And I lost. 161 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:26,344 All because of Saucy Simmons. 162 00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:28,805 Sure, she had a natural advantage, 163 00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:31,349 {\an8}seeing as she was a sausage roll, but I figured, 164 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:34,060 {\an8}a naïve little pastry from the burbs wasn't a threat. 165 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,437 But during the finals, 166 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:37,313 Saucy poured a bottle of vegetable oil 167 00:06:37,313 --> 00:06:40,316 all over herself as she did the Sausage Strut. 168 00:06:40,316 --> 00:06:43,611 I slipped on her greasy trail and fell. 169 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,447 And I saw her laughing. 170 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,866 She wanted me to fall! 171 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,285 That flaky, buttery bitch! 172 00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:53,038 After I lost, I didn't know who I was anymore. 173 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:55,707 I went on a seven-year bender... 174 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,083 made a lot of friends. 175 00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,209 ALISON: What about Dad? 176 00:06:58,209 --> 00:06:59,961 (sighs) He insisted on calling it 177 00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:01,129 a long-distance relationship, 178 00:07:01,129 --> 00:07:02,255 but we were on a break. 179 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,090 After a while, I returned to Dapto 180 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,383 and married your father. 181 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,177 But if not for Saucy Simmons, 182 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:08,845 I'd have won Miss Sausage Roll, 183 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:10,889 and everything would be different. 184 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,140 Everything. 185 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:14,642 You're not entering and that's final. 186 00:07:14,642 --> 00:07:16,144 (crickets chirping) 187 00:07:18,229 --> 00:07:19,814 What are these, you ask? 188 00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:23,360 Only top-secret security plans for the Queen's visit! 189 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:25,403 Cool. 190 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,781 The Queen is coming to visit Dapto! 191 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,990 Why aren't you more excited? 192 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,533 I'd be more excited, but Mum's refusing 193 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:31,910 to train me for Miss Sausage Roll! 194 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,703 For your own good, Alison. 195 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:36,498 Ah, I remember your Miss Sausage Roll days, Vicky. 196 00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,291 Some of those pictures really sustained me 197 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,877 through our seven-year long-distance relationship! 198 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,629 Mmm! Yummy! 199 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:47,217 I'm really enjoying this authentic Australian meat pie, 200 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:50,595 made with a native Australian animal. 201 00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:51,680 Needs ketchup. 202 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,640 Liam, in Australia 203 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,558 we say "tomato sauce." 204 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:57,852 I just don't get why we can't have fries like at Chad Wagon's. 205 00:07:57,852 --> 00:08:00,105 Chips, Liam! They're called chips! 206 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:01,648 I don't even know who you are anymore! 207 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:02,857 Maybe you never did! 208 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,567 Now I know why I've never fit in 209 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:05,860 with other Australians! 210 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,153 Because in my heart, 211 00:08:07,153 --> 00:08:08,988 I've been American all along! 212 00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:10,532 That's what Chad says. 213 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:13,284 That's right. I went to see Chad after school today. 214 00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,245 I don't want you hanging around that man! 215 00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:18,039 You may be my family but you're not my mi familia. 216 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,166 Chad says you wouldn't hide behind a mask if you were. 217 00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:21,918 You told him my secret identity?! 218 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:24,671 That's just... oh, I'm very cross now. 219 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:28,758 Oh, and FYI: tomato sauce is not awesome sauce! 220 00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:29,926 (groans) 221 00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,095 Chad Wagon! 222 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:34,764 (bird caws) 223 00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,224 I just don't understand why 224 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:39,060 Liam insists on fraternizing with a lawless American. 225 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:43,440 I can feel it in my willies, this Chad Wagon is bad news. 226 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,400 Yeah, KM, what did we do to deserve 227 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,277 these Americans invading our shores? 228 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,779 No one could have known the consequences! 229 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,990 I just wanted to save the beautiful ship! 230 00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,701 Oi, I think Maxwell's got a touch of the old dementia, mate. 231 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:57,912 No! Many years ago, I made a mistake. 232 00:08:57,912 --> 00:09:00,790 I violated the Red Hot Rule. 233 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,083 What?! What are you talking about? 234 00:09:02,083 --> 00:09:04,002 - Keep your voice down! - (laughs) Good joke. 235 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,254 Are you fucking crazy, you old bastard?! 236 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,006 You want to get nicked by the Time Bobbies? 237 00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:09,257 Already did. 238 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,551 Spent 20 years in Time Jail. 239 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,887 If not for me, President Mummy would have been 240 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,930 at the bottom of the sea on the Titanic. 241 00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:17,807 And everything that came after... 242 00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,434 It's all my fault! 243 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,518 Mark my words, 244 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,187 if Americans are involved, 245 00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,064 something terrible will happen. 246 00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,816 I'm leaving town! You should too! 247 00:09:26,983 --> 00:09:28,943 (screaming) 248 00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,614 All right then, see ya tomorrow, Maxwell. 249 00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,240 Maxwell's right about one thing. 250 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,785 This American is only going to make things worse. 251 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,579 Maybe it's time he had a chat with... 252 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,373 Koala Man. 253 00:09:41,373 --> 00:09:44,542 AKA me. 254 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:47,712 Hello, Mother. 255 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,048 You'll never guess who's entered Miss Sausage Roll. 256 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,342 Saucy Simmons... 257 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,177 Don't be absurd, she's far too old. 258 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:55,720 ...Junior! 259 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,972 She's got her mother's flakes, I'll give her that much. 260 00:09:57,972 --> 00:10:00,100 And she's the heavy favorite to win. 261 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:03,186 Unless someone were to come along and defeat her... 262 00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:04,604 Alison... no. 263 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,106 You don't know what you're asking. 264 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,608 You need revenge! I need to become popular! 265 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,776 If you teach me, 266 00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,736 maybe we can win this thing, together. 267 00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,822 (sighs) Very well. 268 00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:15,115 But just know, 269 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:18,118 pageants turn the sweetest women into monsters. 270 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:21,204 Mum, I'm a 14-year-old girl, I'm already a monster. 271 00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,707 I'm not talking about you, Alison. 272 00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:26,751 - (knife whooshes) - Time to train. 273 00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:28,128 Yes, Mum. 274 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,547 ♪ 275 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,798 (sighs) 276 00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:32,716 CHAD: I wish you could have seen 277 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:34,467 America in the glory days. 278 00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,344 It was paradise, bro. 279 00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,929 So, how did you end up in Dapto? 280 00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,514 Once Hollywood became an island, 281 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:40,932 I knew America was finished. 282 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:44,019 But I couldn't just let American raditude die out. 283 00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:45,854 So I bought the only ticket I could afford 284 00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,897 and came to Australia and opened my restaurant, 285 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:51,359 where every day is red, white, and blue. 286 00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:53,361 The Australian flag is also red, white, and blue. 287 00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,612 But ours is better. 288 00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:56,281 Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. 289 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,867 It isn't easy being an American refugee, kid. 290 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:01,286 I just wish we had a real home here in Australia, 291 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:02,912 somewhere we could call our own. 292 00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:04,664 But the Queen will never go for it. 293 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:07,125 That staunchy fuckin' bitch. 294 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:08,376 Maybe we just need to show her 295 00:11:08,376 --> 00:11:10,003 how great the American way of life is. 296 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,546 Dude! Killer idea! 297 00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:13,006 We should do a kickass car stunt 298 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,507 for her when she comes to Dapto! 299 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,135 She'll be so impressed, she'll have to listen to us. 300 00:11:17,135 --> 00:11:18,803 That would be awesome sauce, 301 00:11:18,803 --> 00:11:20,930 but security's gonna be super tight. 302 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:23,308 Bro, doesn't your cuck dad have security plans? 303 00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:25,060 You should totally get them. 304 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,145 (whispering) So America can be reborn 305 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:28,980 in the ashes of Australia. 306 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,523 - What's that? - Nothing, nothing. 307 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,941 Uh, just, thinking about, uh, 308 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:33,651 hamburgers and hot dogs and stuff. 309 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,946 Oi, Mr. Wagon. Hand over the boy. 310 00:11:36,946 --> 00:11:39,783 Aw, g'day, Captain Australia. 311 00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:42,243 Darn it, that's a good superhero name! 312 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:44,371 No, resist his charm. 313 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,790 In the name of Dapto and all that is good, 314 00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,167 I command you to stop influencing my son. 315 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,752 Maybe I don't want to be your son anymore. 316 00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,129 Don't be ridiculous, Liam. Get in the car. 317 00:11:53,129 --> 00:11:55,840 You want Liam? You gotta race me first. 318 00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,093 From here to that bridge is exactly a quarter mile. 319 00:11:58,093 --> 00:12:00,470 And I live a quarter mile at a time. 320 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:04,140 Correction: four hundred and two point three meters at a time. 321 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:05,308 Pfft, whatever. 322 00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,394 What matters is the winner gets Liam. 323 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,104 Liam! This is insane! 324 00:12:09,104 --> 00:12:11,606 Sounds like your old man's scared, Liam. 325 00:12:11,606 --> 00:12:13,983 Of course he is. He's Australian. 326 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:17,404 Fine. Let's race, Yank. 327 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,490 (engines revving) 328 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:27,080 ♪ 329 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,957 Go! 330 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:30,291 (tires squealing) 331 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:36,131 Kevin... wouldn't hurt to go a bit faster, mate. 332 00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,633 I can't, Koala Mask! This is a 60 zone! 333 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,051 This is a race for our son! 334 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,219 My son. 335 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:43,430 Look, Chad may know how to drive fast, 336 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,889 but I know Dapto's roads. 337 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,141 There's a speed bump coming up 338 00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:47,517 and a traffic camera after that. 339 00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:50,311 He's going far too fast. 340 00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:52,480 If the bump doesn't get him, the camera will! 341 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,649 (car engine) 342 00:12:59,362 --> 00:13:00,572 (tires squeals) 343 00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:04,200 Nooo! 344 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:09,122 Lawless American! You cheated! 345 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,832 You lost, you little bitch. 346 00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,459 That was amazing! 347 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,169 And now Liam's mine. 348 00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:15,879 Liam, you're not serious. 349 00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:18,715 (American accent) You're not my mi familia, Koala Man, 350 00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:22,260 and now you're not my family either. 351 00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:25,388 You are Liam Wagon now. 352 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,432 I love you, Chad Wagon. 353 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:30,268 Please, son, call me Dad Wagon. 354 00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,436 (tires squeal) 355 00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:33,313 - (sobbing) - (horn blaring) 356 00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,735 (rock music playing) 357 00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,945 ♪ There comes a time ♪ 358 00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:45,450 ♪ When the world is fighting against you ♪ 359 00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:49,704 ♪ You're feeling its weight on your shoulders... ♪ 360 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,501 ♪ There comes a time ♪ 361 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:58,463 ♪ When you face your fears headlong ♪ 362 00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,965 ♪ Headstrong ♪ 363 00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,510 ♪ This is your moment ♪ 364 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,303 ♪ Let's turn up the heat ♪ 365 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,555 ♪ It's time to play ♪ 366 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,433 ♪ Stand up and fight! ♪ 367 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,646 ♪ Stand up and fight, yeah ♪ 368 00:14:14,646 --> 00:14:16,147 ♪ Stand up for what... ♪ 369 00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:21,403 ♪ Stand up for what is right ♪ 370 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,863 ♪ Stand up and fight! ♪ 371 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,617 Oh, Liam, sweet Liam. 372 00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,994 How I wish you were here to see this. 373 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:32,997 No. I must focus on the task at hand. 374 00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,708 Protecting the Queen! 375 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:39,713 Oh, looky here, it's Slippy Vicky. 376 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,256 Shut your face, Saucy. 377 00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,591 My daughter is going to crush yours into porridge. 378 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:45,468 You need to let go of the past, Vicky. 379 00:14:45,468 --> 00:14:46,803 It's actually embarrassing. 380 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,054 And the present. 381 00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,473 Your current life is also very embarrassing. 382 00:14:50,473 --> 00:14:53,226 I think our daughters' performances will be the judge of that. 383 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,145 With just two contestants left, 384 00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:57,439 it's time for the highlight of the event: 385 00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:58,898 the Sausage Strut. 386 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,316 {\an8}Alison, I just want to say, 387 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,110 {\an8}I know there's bad blood between our mothers, 388 00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,653 {\an8}but may the best person win. 389 00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:06,114 {\an8}You're not a person, you're a fucking sausage roll. 390 00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:09,784 Make some noise for Saucyyyyy Juniooooor! 391 00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:12,412 - (crowd cheering) - (funky music playing) 392 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,380 Three nines from the judges! 393 00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:24,758 That savory girl sure is sweet! 394 00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:28,470 And now, put your oven mitts together for the last finalist: 395 00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:30,555 Alison Williams! 396 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:32,223 (funky music continues) 397 00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:33,641 - Uggh! - (Vicky gasps) 398 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:35,352 Whoa... 399 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,070 (crowd gasps) 400 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:50,200 - (cheering and applause) - (gasps) 401 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,245 (cheering and applause) 402 00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:57,916 Whooo! Fuck you, you lunch order slut! In your face! 403 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,044 {\an8}(camera shutters clicking) 404 00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:03,171 (tools clattering) 405 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:05,215 Dad Wagon, what are you doing? 406 00:16:05,215 --> 00:16:07,634 Just making a few changes to make your stunt a little more... 407 00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,344 memorable. 408 00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:11,805 - (lock clicks) - D-D-D-Don't worry. 409 00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:13,598 Just a safety precaution. 410 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,767 Now go make Dad Wagon proud! 411 00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,560 U-S-A! U-S-A! 412 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,063 BOTH: U-S-A! U-S-A! 413 00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:22,649 (tires screeching) 414 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:26,444 And now, here to crown Miss Sausage Roll, 415 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:30,657 the Queen of Australia, Nicole Kidman! 416 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,867 - (fanfare playing) - (cheering) 417 00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,869 Hooly dooly, Dapto. 418 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,455 It's a bloody honor to be here. 419 00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:38,915 To think, there's my Alison 420 00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:41,167 standing next to the Queen of Australia. 421 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,919 - (engine revving) - What's that? 422 00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:45,463 There shouldn't be any cars within the perimeter! 423 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,800 Alright, bit of shush now. 424 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,721 Funny story, when I was little, I thought I'd move to America 425 00:16:52,721 --> 00:16:55,265 and enter an arranged marriage with a space messiah 426 00:16:55,265 --> 00:16:58,101 before settling into a series of prestige television dramas 427 00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,270 where I'd play sad mums in cardigans. 428 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:02,230 (engine revving) 429 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,648 But after America fell, 430 00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,443 I decided to stay here and become your queen. 431 00:17:06,443 --> 00:17:07,819 - (cheering) -Pretty cool, huh? 432 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,739 Anyway, congrats, Miss Sausage Roll! 433 00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:12,198 {\an8}(revving) 434 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,242 COMPUTER: Autopilot activated. 435 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,161 {\an8}Kill Queen, frame Liam, 436 00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:19,414 reboot Australia into America 2.0. 437 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,791 - What? - (tires squeal) 438 00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:24,294 No, no, no no! 439 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,758 Noooooo! 440 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:32,093 MUMMY: ♪ ...everybody ♪ 441 00:17:32,093 --> 00:17:35,013 ♪ I have come to take you back with-- ♪ 442 00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:36,806 REPORTER: Breaking news: the Queen of Australia 443 00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,391 - has just been grilled to death -(gasps) 444 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,559 on the hood of a race car, 445 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,103 driven by a small boy, who has tragically died at the scene. 446 00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,855 A muscly American man is claiming 447 00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:45,148 {\an8}to be Australia's new leader, 448 00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:46,775 and we're all kind of going with it. 449 00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:50,403 {\an8}Oh, no, Maxwell! You mustn't change the past! 450 00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:52,864 Anyway, we all live in America 2.0 now, 451 00:17:52,864 --> 00:17:54,741 {\an8}and it's totally awesome sauce! 452 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:57,702 Ooh! Blasphemy! To hell with the law! 453 00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:59,287 (line ringing) 454 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,872 (whimpering) 455 00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:03,166 (ringing continues) 456 00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,629 Pick up, Koala Man, pick up! 457 00:18:07,629 --> 00:18:11,800 To think, there's my Alison standing next to the Queen of Australia. 458 00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:14,344 - I wish Liam was here to see this. - (tires squeal) 459 00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:17,013 What's that? There shouldn't be any cars within the perimeter! 460 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:18,640 (phone buzzes) 461 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,100 Hey, Maxwell... 462 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:23,186 Oh, my god! (gasps) Thank you for warning me! 463 00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:24,896 Though you have broken the Red Hot Rule, 464 00:18:24,896 --> 00:18:26,564 and I'm gonna have to dob you in, mate. 465 00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:28,358 Yeah, I'm gonna have to tell the authorities. 466 00:18:28,358 --> 00:18:30,402 Yeah, you can't-- you broke the law, mate. 467 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,821 Yeah, it's alright. Okay. 468 00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:35,198 Yeah, no worries. See ya later. Alright, bye. 469 00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:36,157 One minute. 470 00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:37,450 Time to save my son, 471 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,869 Queen Nicole Kidman, and all of Australia! 472 00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:41,621 QUEEN: Pretty cool, huh? 473 00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,666 - Anyway, congrats, Miss Sausage Roll! - (applause) 474 00:18:44,666 --> 00:18:48,753 I did it. I'll be the most powerful girl in school by tomorrow. 475 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:51,798 I'm so happy. This is the best moment of my life. 476 00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:53,675 {\an8}(car revving) 477 00:18:53,675 --> 00:18:55,552 {\an8}(thuds) 478 00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,724 Alison! The Queen! 479 00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:03,435 (mechanics cranking) 480 00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:05,228 (Saucy gasps) 481 00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:09,190 (screams) 482 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:13,403 Agh! They've grilled my girl! 483 00:19:15,238 --> 00:19:16,698 No, no, no! 484 00:19:16,698 --> 00:19:18,450 Ahhhh! 485 00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:19,951 (panting) 486 00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:24,164 (screams) 487 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,582 (lock clicks) 488 00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:28,835 - Ahhh! - (booms) 489 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,211 (crowd gasps) 490 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:32,130 (sizzling) 491 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,174 Saucy Junior saved my life. 492 00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:38,136 She deserves to posthumously win Miss Sausage Roll, not Alison! 493 00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:41,890 Oh, my god! No! I was so close! 494 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,476 (squishing) 495 00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:45,852 (camera shutters click) 496 00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:47,854 A heartbreaking chain of events. 497 00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,732 If I may propose a moment of silence 498 00:19:50,732 --> 00:19:53,026 for that brave sausage roll. 499 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:56,529 Anyway, who's excited for the raffle? 500 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,823 (cheering) 501 00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:02,202 (man running, panting) 502 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:05,246 Son, what happened with the stunt? Y-ou were gonna frame me! 503 00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:08,083 Sacrifices gotta be made for the U-S of A, dawg! 504 00:20:08,083 --> 00:20:09,334 I thought you understood! 505 00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:11,753 We could've brought America back, right here in Australia! 506 00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:13,421 America 2.0, bro! 507 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,340 All you had to do was kill the Queen. 508 00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:18,259 Hey, Chad, get away from my son! 509 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,387 - Dad! - Mr. Wagon, 510 00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:23,098 I demand you leave Dapto at once! 511 00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:25,266 Or what? You wanna race for it? 512 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:28,853 No. That's the problem with you lawless Americans. 513 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:32,691 You're brash, arrogant, over-muscled buffoons. 514 00:20:32,691 --> 00:20:33,775 You can't say that to me. 515 00:20:33,775 --> 00:20:35,944 I can say whatever I want to you 516 00:20:35,944 --> 00:20:37,946 because of the First Amendment. 517 00:20:37,946 --> 00:20:39,114 (hisses) 518 00:20:39,114 --> 00:20:40,907 I realize now, to beat an American, 519 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:43,702 I must understand Americans and try to share my son's passion. 520 00:20:43,702 --> 00:20:45,745 And there's nothing you Americans are more passionate about 521 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,247 than freedom of speech! 522 00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:50,208 Isn't that right, you filthy... drongo? 523 00:20:51,376 --> 00:20:52,752 No, stop! 524 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:55,213 - You bloody wanker! - No, no, stop! 525 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:57,465 - Knobhead! - (high-pitched voice) No, no! 526 00:20:57,465 --> 00:20:58,675 No! No! Leave me alone! 527 00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,885 Chad! Was any of it real? 528 00:21:00,885 --> 00:21:03,263 Was I ever your... mi familia? 529 00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:06,725 Liam, you'll always be my mi famil-- 530 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:11,938 Just deserts. 531 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:14,607 Sorry, Dad. I don't know what came over me. 532 00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,568 (sighs) I understand, Liam. 533 00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:18,486 You fell under the spell of America. 534 00:21:18,486 --> 00:21:20,447 I did, too, when I was your age. 535 00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,198 But we're Australian, Liam. 536 00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:24,534 And we have to make the best of what we have. 537 00:21:27,537 --> 00:21:29,497 LIAM: Can I still say "ketchup" sometimes? 538 00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:31,708 KEVIN: I'll think about it. 539 00:21:31,708 --> 00:21:32,834 (groaning) 540 00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:36,004 - (fanfare playing) - (helicopter sounds) 541 00:21:36,004 --> 00:21:38,006 Drop the charges, Time Bobbies, 542 00:21:38,006 --> 00:21:39,507 he saved my life. 543 00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:41,843 C'mon, Maxwell, let's get you home. 544 00:21:41,843 --> 00:21:44,637 Oh, bless you, Your Majesty! 545 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:49,142 (fanfare playing) 546 00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:52,979 (somber music playing) 547 00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:55,607 They really went all out for her. 548 00:21:55,607 --> 00:21:58,109 Alison, how are you feeling after losing? 549 00:21:58,109 --> 00:22:00,320 Do you feel like going on a seven-year bender 550 00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,156 and settling into a life of quiet desperation? Hmm? 551 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,491 How do I feel? 552 00:22:04,491 --> 00:22:09,496 - (laughing maniacally) - (ominous music playing) 553 00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:11,498 I feel fine, actually. 554 00:22:11,498 --> 00:22:12,624 Huh. 555 00:22:12,624 --> 00:22:14,250 I guess one disappointment 556 00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:16,628 doesn't have to dictate the course of your entire life. 557 00:22:16,628 --> 00:22:19,631 Maybe things would have been exactly the same 558 00:22:19,631 --> 00:22:20,715 even if I won... 559 00:22:20,715 --> 00:22:22,592 I would have ended up here anyway... 560 00:22:22,592 --> 00:22:23,593 Hmm. 561 00:22:23,593 --> 00:22:24,969 That coffin's empty, you know. 562 00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:27,055 They fed Saucy Junior to needy families. 563 00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:29,015 An Australian hero. 564 00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:30,266 Just like you, Dad. 565 00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:32,936 Hmm. I suppose I am. 566 00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:37,565 (thunder rumbles) 567 00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:41,236 (ominous music) 568 00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,449 Chad! Mi familia... 569 00:22:52,455 --> 00:22:57,335 President Mummy shall have her revenge! 570 00:22:59,587 --> 00:23:01,297 (theme song playing) 571 00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:40,128 Captioned by Point.360