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00:00:06,250 --> 00:00:08,958
A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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[romantic music plays]
3
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,500
Did you know October
was Medical Ultrasound Awareness Month?
4
00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:19,916
This is awesome.
5
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,458
Why? Do you need one?
6
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No, we've reached the point
in our relationship
7
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,791
where we don't have to have sex
all the time.
8
00:00:25,875 --> 00:00:29,541
We can just lay in bed,
share amazingly boring factoids.
9
00:00:29,625 --> 00:00:32,833
Whoa, this is awesome.
I kind of wanna have sex now.
10
00:00:32,916 --> 00:00:33,833
Oh God, yes.
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-Guten abend.
-[both yell]
12
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Staedtler, the Illuminati requires
your services.
13
00:00:39,791 --> 00:00:41,083
Why are you shirtless?
14
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:44,250
Uh, just sacrificing some virgin, sir.
15
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You mean sacrificing yourself?
16
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[laughs]
17
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Up top.
18
00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:50,333
Oh.
19
00:00:50,416 --> 00:00:54,875
Anyway, tourists spotted Princess Di
playing spikeball on her private island.
20
00:00:54,958 --> 00:00:57,375
We need you to erase those memories.
Chop-chop.
21
00:00:57,458 --> 00:01:00,916
Beyoncé doesn't say hi, by the way. Bye.
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00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:04,333
[sighs] God, I hate
working for the Illuminati.
23
00:01:04,416 --> 00:01:08,166
The mind erasing, the lies,
my asshole co-workers.
24
00:01:08,250 --> 00:01:10,125
I should just get a regular job.
25
00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:11,083
Doing what?
26
00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:13,458
I don't know. Repairing old boats?
27
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:16,541
I could fix up a schooner
and we could sail to the Caribbean.
28
00:01:16,625 --> 00:01:18,166
A schooner's a boat, right?
29
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:20,958
Bitching about our shadow world jobs
is how we got together.
30
00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:22,833
What are we gonna talk about if you quit?
31
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,458
Reagan, we have lots of other stuff
to talk about.
32
00:01:27,458 --> 00:01:29,083
Hey, you should work at Cognito!
33
00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:31,833
What? The Illuminati's archrival?
34
00:01:31,916 --> 00:01:34,125
Uh, yes! We work great together,
35
00:01:34,208 --> 00:01:36,791
I promise you'll never
have to erase minds again,
36
00:01:36,875 --> 00:01:38,375
and my team is the best.
37
00:01:38,458 --> 00:01:39,500
You'll fit right in.
38
00:01:39,583 --> 00:01:43,458
Oh, come on. You know
my John Cusack damaged outsider vibe
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doesn't make the best first impressions.
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I'm a fourth impression kind of guy.
41
00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:50,000
Ooh, what if I introduced you
to Brett first?
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00:01:50,083 --> 00:01:52,958
He will sell you on Cognito.
He is a great pitchman.
43
00:01:53,041 --> 00:01:55,416
He once convinced the whole office
to sell Herbalife,
44
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even though we all knew we invented
that pyramid scheme to fund the CIA.
45
00:01:58,750 --> 00:02:00,500
All right, I'll give it a shot.
46
00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:03,500
Brett, it's Reagan. How would you like
to finally meet my boyfriend?
47
00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:06,000
[Brett gasps] Reagan's letting me
into her personal life?
48
00:02:06,083 --> 00:02:07,333
[Brett screams]
49
00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:09,333
-[glass smashes]
-He said yes.
50
00:02:09,416 --> 00:02:11,250
[upbeat music plays]
51
00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:37,458
This place is like if the Illuminati
was a strip mall.
52
00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:46,875
Cool. Fall Harvest Fluoride.
Chocolate Chip Cure For Cancer?
53
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:50,625
Man, they still have Four Loko?
And Five Loko?
54
00:02:50,708 --> 00:02:52,500
The fifth Loko is time.
55
00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:55,625
Reags! And man of Reags!
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00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:58,791
Psyched to meet my BFF's BF L-M-N-O-P.
57
00:02:58,875 --> 00:03:02,750
Sorry. When I get excited
I just start saying letters. [laughs] W!
58
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Brett, this is Ron Staedtler.
Staedtler, this is Brett Hand.
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Nice to meet you, man.
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00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:08,666
-Oh. Oh, oh.
-Okay.
61
00:03:08,750 --> 00:03:10,291
-Okay. Sorry.
-Oops.
62
00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:12,125
-Agh!
-Oh. No worries.
63
00:03:12,666 --> 00:03:15,291
-Ow!
-Drinking will help this.
64
00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:19,666
The usual for this one,
and I'm pegging you as a vodka man.
65
00:03:19,750 --> 00:03:20,916
Whiskey neat for me.
66
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,416
Right, and I will have a Natty light.
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[laughs] Good one.
What, are they all out of Jägermeister?
68
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[gasps] Do you wanna do Jägerbombs?
I'm down to clown.
69
00:03:29,916 --> 00:03:31,583
[laughs]
70
00:03:31,666 --> 00:03:36,083
I love douche humor too.
I've listened to every Dane Cook album.
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-Sincerely.
-Ironically.
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Uh… Hm.
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[laughs awkwardly]
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Brett, tell Staedtler
why Cognito is such a great place to work.
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00:03:44,166 --> 00:03:49,041
Um, yeah. [clears throat]
Let me tell you why it's so Cog-neat-o.
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00:03:49,125 --> 00:03:51,791
Wait, Brett, I want to apologize.
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00:03:51,875 --> 00:03:55,708
We got off on the wrong foot.
I would love if we could start over.
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00:03:55,791 --> 00:04:01,333
Oh, phew. Yes. Be kind and… rewind.
79
00:04:01,416 --> 00:04:03,125
That sounds like a great idea.
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00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:05,875
Great. And let's get some new music
up in here.
81
00:04:05,958 --> 00:04:07,458
Who picked this '90s shit?
82
00:04:07,541 --> 00:04:11,416
It's like someone put a 20 in the Jukebox
and pushed Counting Crows over and over.
83
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[inhales deeply]
84
00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:18,208
I listen to "Accidentally In Love"
from the Shrek 2 soundtrack every day!
85
00:04:19,750 --> 00:04:21,458
I mean, great to meet you.
86
00:04:21,541 --> 00:04:23,916
-It's all right. We're joking.
-Yeah, it's all good.
87
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,291
Yeah, no. This is fun.
88
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[laughs awkwardly]
89
00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:31,625
-That went well.
-That was a disaster.
90
00:04:31,708 --> 00:04:36,208
If one hour with Brett is that awkward,
there's no way I'll fit in at Cognito.
91
00:04:36,291 --> 00:04:39,250
What? No! No-o-o-o!
92
00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:41,916
You and Brett are gonna love each other.
93
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,708
Uh, don't count your crows
before they're hatched.
94
00:04:44,791 --> 00:04:46,791
I always ruin first impressions.
95
00:04:46,875 --> 00:04:52,375
You just need to get to know him better.
You two will have way more fun at our…
96
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:56,000
Uh, annual Halloween party.
97
00:04:56,083 --> 00:04:59,125
Yeah, Cognito is known
for our awesome Halloween party
98
00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:02,208
that we throw every single year.
It's legendary.
99
00:05:02,291 --> 00:05:03,291
That could be fun.
100
00:05:03,958 --> 00:05:07,875
We're throwing the first ever Cognito
Halloween party. Attendance is mandatory.
101
00:05:07,958 --> 00:05:11,041
But every Halloween,
my kids and I watch scary movies.
102
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The entire Michael Moore catalog.
[shudders]
103
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I won't be attending.
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Parties are just primitive
human mating rituals.
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[scoffs] Like I'd want to spend an evening
licking any of your mouths
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to find a compatible immune system.
107
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Devastating.
108
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J.R., when you were running things,
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what was our normal budget
for office parties?
110
00:05:30,583 --> 00:05:33,750
You mean the real ones
or the ones you guys were invited to?
111
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,041
I'm thinking a hundred grand to start.
112
00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:37,666
-Sounds good!
-[Myc] Make it rain, girl.
113
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[Glenn] I'm going to that party.
114
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Dad? You ruined my childhood. You want
to make it up to me by funding this party?
115
00:05:42,833 --> 00:05:45,291
Sure. Much like your childhood,
I won't be there.
116
00:05:45,375 --> 00:05:48,041
I have a hot date with your mom
thanks to the N.E.E.D.Y Act.
117
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I'm gonna re-seduce her
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and fill the void inside me
by filling the void inside her--
119
00:05:52,416 --> 00:05:56,416
Brett, the reason I'm throwing this party
is to sell Staedtler on Cognito.
120
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I want to wow him with how awesome
it would be to work here with all of us.
121
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Oh, Staedtler's coming.
122
00:06:01,958 --> 00:06:03,750
Oh, I love that… Love that guy.
123
00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:05,875
I'm worried that if he leaves
the shadow world
124
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our relationship will not survive.
125
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:12,125
I need him to have fun at this party,
and you're the king of fun.
126
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Anything for you.
127
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You're the best!
128
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,041
So just as we get Staedtler
to peak party fun,
129
00:06:18,125 --> 00:06:21,208
I'm gonna whip out a job offer
and have him sign it with this.
130
00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:25,375
It doubles as a tranquilizer dart.
131
00:06:25,458 --> 00:06:28,458
-Agh!
-Aw, such a sweet gift, Reags.
132
00:06:28,541 --> 00:06:30,541
SeaWorld, they found me.
133
00:06:30,625 --> 00:06:31,458
[Glenn groans]
134
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Courage wolf, hear me now.
135
00:06:34,541 --> 00:06:37,750
Friendship wolf has gone missing
and you have to find him!
136
00:06:37,833 --> 00:06:39,291
Now get him, boy! Get him!
137
00:06:40,708 --> 00:06:43,833
Where are you, friendship wolf? [cries]
138
00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:48,541
Man, you look nuts right now.
139
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:52,541
Andre, I've literally never met a person
I didn't like before until Staedtler,
140
00:06:52,625 --> 00:06:55,458
but for some reason,
I don't vibe with him at all.
141
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,333
I'm about to blow my brains out!
142
00:06:57,916 --> 00:06:59,166
Brett, this is the thing.
143
00:06:59,958 --> 00:07:02,708
[sighs] I didn't hear
a word you said after Andre.
144
00:07:02,791 --> 00:07:04,458
I don't want to let Reagan down,
145
00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:08,416
but I can't bring party energy
to a guy I have zero chemistry with.
146
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,791
Hey, man, I feel ya.
147
00:07:09,875 --> 00:07:13,708
But if there's two things I know about,
it's chemistry and chemistry.
148
00:07:14,208 --> 00:07:15,541
And chemistry.
149
00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:18,583
Are you okay?
150
00:07:18,666 --> 00:07:20,041
Just give me a sec.
151
00:07:20,125 --> 00:07:23,916
I was working on a friendship virus
to create world peace,
152
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,125
but Raytheon paid me never to test it.
153
00:07:26,208 --> 00:07:27,875
I still have the samples right here.
154
00:07:28,375 --> 00:07:29,875
[microbe] Love you, bro.
155
00:07:29,958 --> 00:07:32,500
A love potion for friendship?
156
00:07:32,583 --> 00:07:34,958
I could customize it
to make you like Staedtler.
157
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,333
Do it, man. Do it!
158
00:07:36,416 --> 00:07:38,000
If we had his DNA.
159
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,000
But how would we get… [gasps]
160
00:07:40,583 --> 00:07:42,208
Bam! Ron's hair.
161
00:07:42,291 --> 00:07:45,375
God, you can tell
he doesn't use any product at all.
162
00:07:45,458 --> 00:07:47,041
Does he care about appearances?
163
00:07:47,750 --> 00:07:49,916
[ominous music plays]
164
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,500
You're almost back on top.
165
00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:54,250
Got your job, your company.
Now all you need is…
166
00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:58,708
There she is. Ready to put the "date"
in government mandate?
167
00:07:58,791 --> 00:08:02,291
Save it, Rand. The Botox hides it,
but I'm staring daggers at you.
168
00:08:02,375 --> 00:08:04,083
I'm a new man, Tamiko.
169
00:08:04,166 --> 00:08:07,791
I'm gonna wine and dine you
with a night of whimsy and romance.
170
00:08:07,875 --> 00:08:09,000
If you'll just put this on.
171
00:08:09,083 --> 00:08:10,041
[ominous music plays]
172
00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:12,125
[groans] Fine, let's get this over with.
173
00:08:18,458 --> 00:08:20,750
[Mothman] Happy Halloween, Cognito!
174
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:25,541
It's time for you monsters to mash…
your genitals together!
175
00:08:25,625 --> 00:08:28,833
Tonight, HR stands for Horny Raving!
176
00:08:28,916 --> 00:08:29,791
[cheering]
177
00:08:29,875 --> 00:08:33,458
Ah, it feels good
to pretend to be rich again.
178
00:08:33,541 --> 00:08:37,416
Can I upsell anyone on this sweet duplex
on Baltic Avenue? [laughs]
179
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:40,833
-Oh, let me guess. Cher-nobyl.
-Duh.
180
00:08:40,916 --> 00:08:42,375
[Myc] Ahoy, bitches.
181
00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:45,416
Who's ready to shiver me timbers
to completion?
182
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:48,041
Jack Sparrow? You gotta be kidding me.
183
00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:49,416
Avast, mateys!
184
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:53,375
[Myc] Oh, what the Jerry Fuck-heimer.
Take that costume off now!
185
00:08:53,458 --> 00:08:57,791
No way! I spent 5.99 on same-day shipping
for these hair beads.
186
00:08:57,875 --> 00:08:58,916
I look roguish.
187
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,250
[Myc] You look like a white girl
at Burning Man!
188
00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:08,291
I was going
for more of a detached irony vibe.
189
00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:11,833
-Maybe I should change.
-No, no, no. Everyone is gonna love you.
190
00:09:12,416 --> 00:09:14,583
Wow, these decorations are amazing.
191
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:22,375
Um, yeah, that is definitely
a Halloween decoration.
192
00:09:22,458 --> 00:09:23,458
Let's hit the bar.
193
00:09:24,166 --> 00:09:25,750
[ominous music plays]
194
00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:28,666
How's it going? Nice Minion costume.
195
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:29,791
It's a hazmat suit,
196
00:09:29,875 --> 00:09:32,125
under which I'm wearing a Minion costume.
197
00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:35,625
This should make you love Staedtler
like he was your own frat brother.
198
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:36,625
Let's do this!
199
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:40,250
Uh, your arm is fine.
200
00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:41,166
Oh.
201
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,208
[microbes] Love you, bro! Love ya!
202
00:09:46,958 --> 00:09:48,708
Gigi, you remember Staedtler.
203
00:09:48,791 --> 00:09:50,458
How can I forget?
204
00:09:50,541 --> 00:09:54,833
Reagan doesn't have a lot of girlfriends,
so she tells me everything.
205
00:09:54,916 --> 00:09:56,375
Penis size.
206
00:09:56,458 --> 00:09:57,958
[coughs]
207
00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:01,875
Hey-o! There's Ron, the R-man.
208
00:10:01,958 --> 00:10:02,791
Rated R.
209
00:10:02,875 --> 00:10:03,958
R. Kelly.
210
00:10:04,041 --> 00:10:05,458
Forget that last one.
211
00:10:05,541 --> 00:10:08,791
-Look, about the other night--
-Say no more. All that awkwardness?
212
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,000
Good thing tonight
I'm Criss Angel Mindfreak
213
00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:13,208
'cause it, poof, has disappeared.
214
00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:18,541
Cool, man.
And great Final Fantasy costume.
215
00:10:19,125 --> 00:10:20,000
Whoa.
216
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,416
Hey, looks like the virus worked!
217
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,458
No, it didn't. I was faking it.
218
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:27,583
I felt nothing but slight dislike.
What is happening?
219
00:10:27,666 --> 00:10:29,000
Brett, where'd you go?
220
00:10:29,083 --> 00:10:31,541
You were totally bonding with Staedtler.
221
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:36,791
I'm sorry, Reagan, I can't.
I still don't have any vibes with him.
222
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:40,000
-Yeah, you are failing the vibe check.
-I should just go.
223
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:43,250
What? No. This party
will fizzle without you!
224
00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:44,375
What are you doing?
225
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:45,708
Social lubricant.
226
00:10:46,791 --> 00:10:50,916
You will drink as much of this as you need
to save my relationship!
227
00:10:52,666 --> 00:10:56,125
[microbes] Love you, bro.
What's happening, bro? What's up, bros?
228
00:10:56,208 --> 00:11:00,583
Get ready to lose your fucking mind
over the City of Lights.
229
00:11:00,666 --> 00:11:01,958
You brought me to Paris?
230
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:05,708
As CEO, I have unlimited access
to the Cognito shadow lab.
231
00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:07,333
[coughs] CEO.
232
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:10,041
I must say, I'm skeptically intrigued.
233
00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:11,958
I know you love fancy crap,
234
00:11:12,041 --> 00:11:15,583
so we got a suite at the Four Seasons
and a dinner resy at Le Cinq.
235
00:11:15,666 --> 00:11:17,000
The night is ours, baby.
236
00:11:17,083 --> 00:11:18,958
So I guess the new romantic you
237
00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:22,125
wouldn't mind taking a stroll
along the Champs-Élysées?
238
00:11:22,208 --> 00:11:23,750
I'd find it magical.
239
00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:25,708
While reciting poetry.
240
00:11:25,791 --> 00:11:29,583
[sighs] Poetry? Damn it all!
The one thing I didn't bring with me.
241
00:11:29,666 --> 00:11:32,041
Uh, you want to huck croissants at geese?
242
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:35,458
I'm starting to think
you haven't changed at all.
243
00:11:35,541 --> 00:11:36,833
Uh, no, I have.
244
00:11:36,916 --> 00:11:39,500
Just give me five. I need to take un crap.
245
00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:46,208
Hey, the stars should be twinklier.
Twinklier! What did I tell you?
246
00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:48,583
You told me to create the perfect
romantic simulation.
247
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,166
You said you'd do anything
to win her back, except make an effort.
248
00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:53,625
Effort is for people without robots.
249
00:11:53,708 --> 00:11:56,083
Hey, can you tag in for me for a while?
250
00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:58,791
-Tag in?
-Hologram in as me to the date.
251
00:11:58,875 --> 00:12:01,125
Recite some poetry.
Tamiko will never know.
252
00:12:01,208 --> 00:12:03,083
But I've never been on a date before.
253
00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:06,208
You'll be in my body
and women find me irresistible.
254
00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:07,875
I'm gonna go eat a hot dog on the toilet.
255
00:12:07,958 --> 00:12:10,250
Ping me when she's ready
to jump in the sack.
256
00:12:10,333 --> 00:12:12,333
[suspenseful music plays]
257
00:12:14,583 --> 00:12:17,708
Okay, are you drunk enough yet
to show my boyfriend a good time?
258
00:12:17,791 --> 00:12:19,333
[burps] Almost.
259
00:12:19,416 --> 00:12:21,500
Woo, let's get crazy!
260
00:12:21,583 --> 00:12:26,416
Come, lad. We're doing lines of Lipitor
off my TV Guide! [laughs]
261
00:12:27,750 --> 00:12:29,708
[microbes] Love you, bro! Hell yeah, bro!
262
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:31,708
[upbeat music plays]
263
00:12:33,125 --> 00:12:34,625
[microbes] Love you, bro!
264
00:12:34,708 --> 00:12:36,333
[upbeat music continues]
265
00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:39,125
[microbes] Love you, bro!
266
00:12:43,833 --> 00:12:45,625
Okay, truth or dare?
267
00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:47,750
Truth! I currently sleep in a barrel.
268
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:51,833
Dare. I dare you all to say one reason
why Staedtler would love to work here.
269
00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:56,625
[Myc] Hey, guys.
It's not a party without Trojans, right?
270
00:12:56,708 --> 00:13:00,375
Oh, Myc could probably
give you 300 reasons.
271
00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:02,500
What's wrong with erasing minds
for the Illuminati?
272
00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:06,000
[Myc] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, you coming after my job?
273
00:13:06,083 --> 00:13:08,166
Nah, I'm done with mind-erasing.
274
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,666
It's such an amoral, pointless job.
275
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:12,958
[coughs]
276
00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:14,041
But that's just me.
277
00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:16,916
Uh, for you, it's totally cool.
278
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,250
[Myc] Good, 'cause there's only room
for one Myc on this team and--
279
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,208
Goddamn it!
280
00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:22,625
Freedom!
281
00:13:22,708 --> 00:13:24,208
[Myc] That's Braveheart, you idiot!
282
00:13:24,291 --> 00:13:28,041
The only way you're associated
with the number 300 is in pounds.
283
00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:29,500
You calling me fat?
284
00:13:29,583 --> 00:13:30,583
[Myc] Explicitly.
285
00:13:30,666 --> 00:13:33,375
I'm starting to think you're insulting me.
286
00:13:33,458 --> 00:13:35,291
[both grunt]
287
00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:37,125
[microbes] Love you, bro!
288
00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:41,708
-[Myc] Hey, how do you feel right now?
-Friendly.
289
00:13:41,791 --> 00:13:44,625
Why are we fighting
over who's got the best costume
290
00:13:44,708 --> 00:13:47,583
when it's obviously
this heat-seeking missile?
291
00:13:47,666 --> 00:13:49,750
[Myc] Hey, you could totally steal my job.
292
00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:53,416
That'll be our thing. Should we
give each other nicknames? [laughs]
293
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,916
I have a strange urge
not to assassinate you.
294
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,416
Have you ever tried a two-and-a-half-some?
295
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,833
[man] Let's go talk to this guy!
296
00:14:01,916 --> 00:14:05,125
Whoa, you were right.
People here are really friendly.
297
00:14:05,208 --> 00:14:07,333
Yeah, friendly.
298
00:14:07,416 --> 00:14:08,541
[microbes] Love you, bro!
299
00:14:08,625 --> 00:14:09,875
Give the man some room!
300
00:14:09,958 --> 00:14:12,875
Don't crowd him
just because he has a magnificent penis.
301
00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:14,875
Oh, no. What's going on?
302
00:14:15,375 --> 00:14:17,875
I think the disease is somehow spreading.
303
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,666
You two, what happened?
304
00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:21,958
I was working in the lab
late one night and--
305
00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:25,000
We made a virus to make me like
your boyfriend and it's spreading!
306
00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:26,083
You did what?!
307
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:30,125
Fuck! Brett must be asymptomatic
because he's always at peak friendship,
308
00:14:30,208 --> 00:14:32,625
but it worked on everybody else!
309
00:14:32,708 --> 00:14:34,333
[ominous music crescendos]
310
00:14:37,916 --> 00:14:39,458
[whirring and clanging]
311
00:14:39,541 --> 00:14:42,000
Huh, wow. It is nice to have legs again.
312
00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:46,916
Though I see the world in zeros and ones…
313
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:47,958
[clears throat]
314
00:14:48,041 --> 00:14:52,041
…my target lock
is engaged on your glorious buns.
315
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,958
-[gasps]
-I love it.
316
00:14:54,041 --> 00:14:57,041
Human touch! Is something I am used to.
317
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,875
Oh, Rand. Grab a napkin
before I slap you… again.
318
00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:05,083
Ha ha, anything for you, my, uh, love.
319
00:15:05,791 --> 00:15:07,750
Blow up the Eiffel Tower.
320
00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:10,458
-[coughs] What?
-You do love me, don't you?
321
00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:13,500
-Yeah, but--
-And you control the world now, right?
322
00:15:13,583 --> 00:15:15,333
Yes. Uh…
323
00:15:15,416 --> 00:15:19,041
I mean, I, uh,
will blow up the Eiffel Tower.
324
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:24,666
[laughs] Oh my God.
I just wanted to see how you'd react.
325
00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:27,083
You were really gonna do it,
weren't you? [laughs]
326
00:15:27,166 --> 00:15:29,208
[laughs awkwardly]
327
00:15:29,291 --> 00:15:31,208
You're not like anyone I've ever met.
328
00:15:31,291 --> 00:15:33,875
You're like a sociopath
and a yoga mom put together.
329
00:15:33,958 --> 00:15:37,333
I literally have no idea
what you're going to say next.
330
00:15:37,416 --> 00:15:38,583
Vagina egg.
331
00:15:38,666 --> 00:15:40,291
See? There it is again!
332
00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:42,958
You're the only human I can't predict.
333
00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:45,666
And you're
uncharacteristically vulnerable.
334
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:48,833
I find it both weak and sexy.
335
00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:51,625
A sexual advance. I have to get Rand.
336
00:15:51,708 --> 00:15:53,958
Uh, I mean, get randy.
337
00:15:54,041 --> 00:15:56,000
[all] Staedtler, Staedtler!
338
00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:58,291
All right. Hit it, Mothman.
339
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,875
[all] Staedtler, Staedtler, Staedtler!
340
00:16:01,958 --> 00:16:03,583
Staedtler! Yeah!
341
00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:04,583
What should we do?
342
00:16:04,666 --> 00:16:06,541
-Hm.
-It's Uncle Moneybags' turn!
343
00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:09,250
-Dolla, dolla bills, yo!
-[Gigi growls]
344
00:16:09,333 --> 00:16:10,666
[cheering]
345
00:16:10,750 --> 00:16:11,916
Back off, he's mine!
346
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,666
We got to lock this thing down now.
347
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:16,916
Andre, find an antidote.
Brett, keep a lid on things.
348
00:16:18,375 --> 00:16:20,166
Oh, hey. Uh, okay.
349
00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:24,375
-[Ron] Where are we going?
-I want to show you my lab.
350
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:28,250
-But the party was just getting fun.
-Know what else everyone thinks is fun?
351
00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,041
Looking at computer code!
352
00:16:30,125 --> 00:16:31,000
[beeping]
353
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:35,833
I wonder how that glorified paint can
is doing on my date. [laughs]
354
00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:37,333
I bet she's eating him alive.
355
00:16:37,416 --> 00:16:39,000
[ominous music plays]
356
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:41,333
[bell tolls]
357
00:16:41,416 --> 00:16:42,833
You robot bastard!
358
00:16:43,458 --> 00:16:45,583
Shit! Oh, fuck!
359
00:16:45,666 --> 00:16:47,500
-[woman] Where's Staedtler?
-[man] Staedtler.
360
00:16:47,583 --> 00:16:51,125
Excuse me, fellas. If I could just grab
a quick blood sample.
361
00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:53,416
-[Andre] Agh!
-[Myc] We saw you talking to Staedtler.
362
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:56,291
Give us friend times
or we cause the end times!
363
00:16:56,375 --> 00:16:58,916
[Myc] Let's find him.
Why are the blast doors down?
364
00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:04,000
Dear God. They're like the raptors
in Jurassic Park.
365
00:17:04,083 --> 00:17:06,166
They've figured out how to open doors!
366
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:09,166
Shit! We didn't account
for their opposable thumbs!
367
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:11,041
[man] Staedtler!
368
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:14,791
So this is my lab where all the cool
robotic stuff happens.
369
00:17:14,875 --> 00:17:17,833
-Maybe I could find you an opening here.
-[Reag0n] Hello, Reagan.
370
00:17:17,916 --> 00:17:19,750
That's my AI assistant, Reag0n.
371
00:17:19,833 --> 00:17:22,166
Reag0n, meet my boyfriend, Ron Staedtler.
372
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,458
[Reag0n] Ah, a romantic interest.
373
00:17:24,541 --> 00:17:28,166
Would you like to build a Staedtler bot
to practice making out with?
374
00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:29,750
-What?
-[laughs awkwardly]
375
00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:31,291
No. Why would I do that?
376
00:17:31,375 --> 00:17:33,250
[Reag0n] It's your standard protocol.
377
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:34,833
Remember RyanBot?
378
00:17:34,916 --> 00:17:36,208
[laughs awkwardly]
379
00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:38,000
[Reag0n] Commencing construction.
380
00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:42,583
-Reagan, am I alive?
-Stop making the robot!
381
00:17:42,666 --> 00:17:44,250
[Reag0n] Halting construction.
382
00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:49,208
Yeah, I'm not sure robotics is for me,
but I'm still open to working here.
383
00:17:49,291 --> 00:17:51,458
Do you want
to officially sign your contract?
384
00:17:52,125 --> 00:17:54,166
Later. Let's get back to the party.
385
00:17:54,250 --> 00:17:56,375
Glenn said he's gonna show me
how to drive a tank.
386
00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:58,708
[groans] Wait.
What about doing it on my desk?
387
00:17:58,791 --> 00:18:00,583
We could do it all the time
when you work here.
388
00:18:00,666 --> 00:18:02,583
Nothing mixes better than sex and work.
389
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:04,583
[Reag0n] Terminating StaedtlerBot.
390
00:18:04,666 --> 00:18:06,625
[StaedtlerBot screams]
391
00:18:06,708 --> 00:18:09,458
It hurts! [screams]
392
00:18:09,541 --> 00:18:10,583
Maybe later.
393
00:18:10,666 --> 00:18:12,416
W-W-Wait. We can't go back!
394
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,958
Why are you acting so weird?
395
00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:19,166
-[Reagan] Andre?
-Staedtler! Let's start a band!
396
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,583
[partygoers] Join us.
397
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:23,666
Everything is not okay. Run!
398
00:18:24,541 --> 00:18:27,625
Wait, you guys gave everyone a virus
to make them like me?
399
00:18:27,708 --> 00:18:29,250
Am I that unlikable?
400
00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:30,500
[partygoers] Staedtler.
401
00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:34,041
Focus on the positive.
It did work insanely well. Agh!
402
00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:35,250
Let's make out!
403
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:38,333
Not in a weird way. Just guys vibin'.
404
00:18:38,416 --> 00:18:42,333
I know this all looks bad, but trust me,
Cognito is a great place to work.
405
00:18:42,416 --> 00:18:44,625
What if we unleash
these Hitler clones on them?
406
00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:46,333
Like Hitler Hitler?
407
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:48,666
Look, we're all scientists here.
408
00:18:48,750 --> 00:18:51,000
I mean, everyone's cloned a few Hitlers.
409
00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:52,041
Sieg Heil!
410
00:18:52,125 --> 00:18:54,750
How many Hitlers does an office need?
411
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,500
Or we could develop a gene therapy--
412
00:18:59,416 --> 00:19:01,416
Did you say baby organs?
413
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:02,666
Brett, stop helping!
414
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,541
[partygoers] Staedtler!
415
00:19:04,625 --> 00:19:06,916
What kind of place is this?
416
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,208
[partygoers] Staedtler!
417
00:19:08,291 --> 00:19:09,583
Staedtler!
418
00:19:10,208 --> 00:19:11,875
Come play with me, Staedtler.
419
00:19:11,958 --> 00:19:13,291
Just nine rounds.
420
00:19:13,375 --> 00:19:17,500
I feel like we have the same interests.
Want to start a podcast?
421
00:19:17,583 --> 00:19:18,875
Hm, maybe.
422
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:22,958
No! This is like a siren song
for straight white men.
423
00:19:23,041 --> 00:19:24,208
[dramatic music plays]
424
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,541
[woman] Staedtler, join us.
425
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:30,250
[man 1] I want to help you move!
426
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:33,333
[man 2] Staedtler,
why is your Instagram private?
427
00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:35,666
-[woman] Staedtler!
-[man 1] Staedtler!
428
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:38,541
Okay, so Andre used your DNA
to make the virus,
429
00:19:38,625 --> 00:19:41,833
so maybe if we use the DNA
of someone who doesn't like you
430
00:19:41,916 --> 00:19:43,916
then we can reverse engineer an antidote.
431
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,250
Brett! You don't like Staedtler.
Give me your arm.
432
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:50,666
What? [laughs awkwardly]
No, no, I totally dig you, Staedtler.
433
00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:52,708
It's okay, Brett.
You don't have to like me.
434
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:55,333
We both care about Reagan
and that's enough.
435
00:19:55,416 --> 00:19:59,166
Wait. So you're saying it's okay
to not like you?
436
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:01,333
-No one's ever said that to me before.
-Brett?
437
00:20:01,416 --> 00:20:03,125
Such radical empathy!
438
00:20:03,208 --> 00:20:04,833
-No, no, no, no, no.
-I…
439
00:20:04,916 --> 00:20:05,958
Fight it, Brett.
440
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:08,583
I finally like you now! Bring it in.
441
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:12,958
That's really fucking sweet,
but now your DNA is useless!
442
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,333
-[partygoers] Staedtler!
-Staedtler, take off your clothes!
443
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,541
Okay. How many people
did you tell about my, you know?
444
00:20:19,625 --> 00:20:21,416
I have a plan. Just do it!
445
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,458
I'll pretend to be you. I'll hold them off
long enough for you to escape.
446
00:20:24,541 --> 00:20:25,791
Brett, that's insane.
447
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:28,041
Who would be that suicidally friendly?
448
00:20:28,125 --> 00:20:29,166
Brett would.
449
00:20:29,875 --> 00:20:32,208
I… I actually like you too, Brett.
450
00:20:32,291 --> 00:20:33,708
-Sincerely.
-Sincerely.
451
00:20:34,416 --> 00:20:36,083
-Staedtler!
-Go!
452
00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:37,291
[man] Staedtler!
453
00:20:37,375 --> 00:20:39,333
Hey, it's me, Staedtler!
454
00:20:39,416 --> 00:20:40,333
Huh?
455
00:20:41,666 --> 00:20:43,791
Attack me with your wrong love.
456
00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:47,000
[grunts] Ow. Ow. Ow, ow. Ow!
457
00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:52,333
You know, Tamiko?
I've been in a cage for so long.
458
00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:54,583
Uh, emotionally.
459
00:20:54,666 --> 00:20:57,916
But tonight is the first time
I've ever felt free.
460
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,625
You sound nothing like the man I divorced.
461
00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:03,916
For one thing,
you're not holding in bong smoke.
462
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,541
There's something I must tell you.
463
00:21:06,125 --> 00:21:08,000
You're about to fuck a machine!
464
00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:09,291
God, I hope so.
465
00:21:12,791 --> 00:21:16,250
I asked this two-faced bag of bolts
to trick you into banging me,
466
00:21:16,333 --> 00:21:17,375
and he betrayed me.
467
00:21:17,458 --> 00:21:21,458
This entire thing wasn't real?
Paris? Your poetry?
468
00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:23,500
But it was real, Tamiko.
469
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:24,875
I've fallen for you,
470
00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:28,416
and my facial recognition software
tells me you feel this too!
471
00:21:29,041 --> 00:21:31,541
-Oh.
-Time to force quit, asshole.
472
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,125
Bring it, blood sack!
473
00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:35,000
She deserves better than you!
474
00:21:35,083 --> 00:21:39,291
[grunting]
475
00:21:40,250 --> 00:21:41,333
[laughs maniacally]
476
00:21:41,416 --> 00:21:44,875
[grunting]
477
00:21:44,958 --> 00:21:47,166
I'm not not into this.
478
00:21:47,833 --> 00:21:49,041
[punching continues]
479
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:51,375
[partygoers] Staedtler!
480
00:21:51,458 --> 00:21:53,333
Think, Reagan, think!
481
00:21:53,416 --> 00:21:55,166
-What?
-Um, nothing.
482
00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:56,708
No, I know that look.
483
00:21:56,791 --> 00:21:59,625
That's the "I have an idea
but I don't want to say it" look.
484
00:21:59,708 --> 00:22:02,166
Like the time
you wanted to use Cheetos as croutons.
485
00:22:02,250 --> 00:22:03,375
Damn it!
486
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,958
Well, the thing is
they can't be infatuated with you
487
00:22:07,041 --> 00:22:08,625
if they can't remember you.
488
00:22:08,708 --> 00:22:12,666
Of course. Erase their minds.
It's what I'm good at.
489
00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:14,416
The whole point of you working here
490
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:17,458
was so you didn't have to
erase people's memories anymore.
491
00:22:17,541 --> 00:22:19,125
What other choice do we have?
492
00:22:19,208 --> 00:22:21,583
We need to amplify
the gun's signal somehow.
493
00:22:21,666 --> 00:22:24,041
Can we hotwire it
into the building's lighting system?
494
00:22:24,125 --> 00:22:26,583
[sighs] Yes, with this.
495
00:22:26,666 --> 00:22:29,583
It was a gift for you
to celebrate you signing the contract.
496
00:22:31,541 --> 00:22:33,250
[banging on door]
497
00:22:39,333 --> 00:22:41,750
-[man] Staedtler!
-Pull the trigger on my mark.
498
00:22:41,833 --> 00:22:43,208
Staedtler!
499
00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,375
-Three.
-[woman] Staedtler!
500
00:22:45,458 --> 00:22:47,375
-Two.
-Staedtler!
501
00:22:47,458 --> 00:22:48,333
One.
502
00:22:49,250 --> 00:22:51,333
-Staedtler!
-Now!
503
00:22:52,208 --> 00:22:55,750
[partygoers in slow motion]
Staedtler! Staedtler!
504
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:57,250
[gasping]
505
00:22:57,333 --> 00:22:58,208
[man] Huh?
506
00:23:03,458 --> 00:23:05,541
-[power fades]
-[gasps]
507
00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:08,125
Uh, who are you?
508
00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:10,916
[Myc] And why is my tentacle on your butt?
509
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,125
Guys, this is my boyfriend, Staedtler.
510
00:23:13,208 --> 00:23:14,458
Nice to meet you all.
511
00:23:14,541 --> 00:23:16,250
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
-Hello.
512
00:23:16,333 --> 00:23:19,208
-You probably wanna get back to the party.
-The party?
513
00:23:19,291 --> 00:23:20,916
The Halloween party, in the atrium?
514
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,708
-[man] Okay.
-[woman] Okay.
515
00:23:22,791 --> 00:23:23,625
Hold on!
516
00:23:23,708 --> 00:23:26,375
Uh, remember how you guys
did a group costume?
517
00:23:26,458 --> 00:23:28,083
-Huh. Sure.
-[Myc] All right.
518
00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:31,416
See, we do work well together.
519
00:23:32,416 --> 00:23:35,791
Look, I've been thinking.
Our work is the problem.
520
00:23:35,875 --> 00:23:38,833
Illuminati, Cognito, no matter what we do,
521
00:23:38,916 --> 00:23:42,583
the shadow government is always
gonna put a strain on our relationship.
522
00:23:42,666 --> 00:23:46,291
We'll figure out how to balance our lives
and jobs eventually.
523
00:23:46,375 --> 00:23:47,208
[crashing]
524
00:23:47,291 --> 00:23:50,333
-You fucking Erector Set! Fuck you!
-You never appreciated her.
525
00:23:50,416 --> 00:23:52,833
I'm a better Rand than you'll ever be.
526
00:23:52,916 --> 00:23:57,750
Stop. Why would I think after 35 years
of marriage you would ever change?
527
00:23:57,833 --> 00:24:01,916
There is no way I am ever
getting back together with you.
528
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:02,958
Free advice?
529
00:24:03,041 --> 00:24:06,708
Everyone who works at this place
either starts insane or goes insane.
530
00:24:06,791 --> 00:24:08,416
Get out while you still can.
531
00:24:09,708 --> 00:24:12,708
Did you hear that?
They made it work for 35 years.
532
00:24:12,791 --> 00:24:16,375
I should probably go.
I have to clear my head and think.
533
00:24:16,458 --> 00:24:18,583
About the job? Or about us?
534
00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:20,916
Just… Uh…
535
00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:22,500
Just think.
536
00:24:25,416 --> 00:24:27,791
[exhales] So when is Staedtler starting?
537
00:24:27,875 --> 00:24:30,291
I really like that guy.
Did he say anything about me?
538
00:24:30,375 --> 00:24:31,333
[sighs]
539
00:24:32,291 --> 00:24:33,916
We'll always have Holo-Paris.
540
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,125
Whatever, tinman.
This is just a temporary setback.
541
00:24:37,208 --> 00:24:39,416
As long as I'm head of Cognito,
542
00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:42,791
there will always be another way
to win her back.
543
00:24:43,458 --> 00:24:47,833
Rand Ridley, report to the
Holo-conference line immediately.
544
00:24:47,916 --> 00:24:49,750
The Robes wish to discuss
545
00:24:49,833 --> 00:24:53,375
your performance as head of Cognito.
546
00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:55,625
[ominous music plays]
547
00:24:56,750 --> 00:24:58,875
Shall I log you into Monster.com?
548
00:24:58,958 --> 00:24:59,875
[bell tolls]
549
00:24:59,958 --> 00:25:01,875
[dramatic music plays]
550
00:25:27,208 --> 00:25:30,875
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