1
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A NETFLIX SERIES

2
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Did you know October
was Medical Ultrasound Awareness Month?

3
00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:19,916
This is awesome.

4
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Why? Do you need one?

5
00:00:21,541 --> 00:00:23,708
No, we've reached the point
in our relationship

6
00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:25,791
where we don't have to have sex
all the time.

7
00:00:25,875 --> 00:00:29,541
We can just lay in bed,
share amazingly boring factoids.

8
00:00:29,625 --> 00:00:32,833
Whoa, this is awesome.
I kind of wanna have sex now.

9
00:00:32,916 --> 00:00:33,833
Oh God, yes.

10
00:00:33,916 --> 00:00:35,708
-Guten abend.

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<i>Staedtler, the Illuminati requires</i>
<i>your services.</i>

12
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<i>Why are you shirtless?</i>

13
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:44,250
Uh, just sacrificing some virgin, sir.

14
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<i>You mean sacrificing yourself?</i>

15
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<i>Up top.</i>

16
00:00:49,458 --> 00:00:50,333
<i>Oh.</i>

17
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<i>Anyway, tourists spotted Princess Di</i>
<i>playing spikeball on her private island.</i>

18
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<i>We need you to erase those memories.</i>
<i>Chop-chop.</i>

19
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<i>Beyoncé doesn't say hi, by the way. Bye.</i>

20
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God, I hate
working for the Illuminati.

21
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The mind erasing, the lies,
my asshole co-workers.

22
00:01:08,250 --> 00:01:10,125
I should just get a regular job.

23
00:01:10,208 --> 00:01:11,083
Doing what?

24
00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:13,458
I don't know. Repairing old boats?

25
00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:16,541
I could fix up a schooner
and we could sail to the Caribbean.

26
00:01:16,625 --> 00:01:18,166
A schooner's a boat, right?

27
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:20,958
Bitching about our shadow world jobs
is how we got together.

28
00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:22,833
What are we gonna talk about if you quit?

29
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,458
Reagan, we have lots of other stuff
to talk about.

30
00:01:27,458 --> 00:01:29,083
Hey, you should work at Cognito!

31
00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:31,833
What? The Illuminati's archrival?

32
00:01:31,916 --> 00:01:34,125
Uh, yes! We work great together,

33
00:01:34,208 --> 00:01:36,791
I promise you'll never
have to erase minds again,

34
00:01:36,875 --> 00:01:38,375
and my team is the best.

35
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You'll fit right in.

36
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Oh, come on. You know
my John Cusack damaged outsider vibe

37
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doesn't make the best first impressions.

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I'm a fourth impression kind of guy.

39
00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:50,000
Ooh, what if I introduced you
to Brett first?

40
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He will sell you on Cognito.
He is a great pitchman.

41
00:01:53,041 --> 00:01:55,416
He once convinced the whole office
to sell Herbalife,

42
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even though we all knew we invented
that pyramid scheme to fund the CIA.

43
00:01:58,750 --> 00:02:00,500
All right, I'll give it a shot.

44
00:02:00,583 --> 00:02:03,500
Brett, it's Reagan. How would you like
to finally meet my boyfriend?

45
00:02:03,583 --> 00:02:06,000
<i>Reagan's letting me</i>
<i>into her personal life?</i>

46
00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:09,333
-He said yes.

47
00:02:34,833 --> 00:02:37,458
This place is like if the Illuminati
was a strip mall.

48
00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:46,875
Cool. Fall Harvest Fluoride.
Chocolate Chip Cure For Cancer?

49
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:50,625
Man, they still have Four Loko?
And Five Loko?

50
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The fifth Loko is time.

51
00:02:53,375 --> 00:02:55,625
Reags! And man of Reags!

52
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Psyched to meet my BFF's BF L-M-N-O-P.

53
00:02:58,875 --> 00:03:02,750
Sorry. When I get excited
I just start saying letters. W!

54
00:03:02,833 --> 00:03:06,333
Brett, this is Ron Staedtler.
Staedtler, this is Brett Hand.

55
00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:07,541
Nice to meet you, man.

56
00:03:07,625 --> 00:03:08,666
-Oh. Oh, oh.
-Okay.

57
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-Okay. Sorry.
-Oops.

58
00:03:10,375 --> 00:03:12,125
-Agh!
-Oh. No worries.

59
00:03:12,666 --> 00:03:15,291
-Ow!
-Drinking will help this.

60
00:03:16,333 --> 00:03:19,666
The usual for this one,
and I'm pegging you as a vodka man.

61
00:03:19,750 --> 00:03:20,916
Whiskey neat for me.

62
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Right, and I will have a Natty light.

63
00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:26,750
Good one.
What, are they all out of Jägermeister?

64
00:03:26,833 --> 00:03:29,833
Do you wanna do Jägerbombs?
I'm down to clown.

65
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I love douche humor too.
I've listened to every Dane Cook album.

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-Sincerely.
-Ironically.

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00:03:38,416 --> 00:03:39,541
Uh… Hm.

68
00:03:40,708 --> 00:03:44,083
Brett, tell Staedtler
why Cognito is such a great place to work.

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00:03:44,166 --> 00:03:49,041
Um, yeah.
Let me tell you why it's so Cog-neat-o.

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Wait, Brett, I want to apologize.

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We got off on the wrong foot.
I would love if we could start over.

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Oh, phew. Yes. Be kind and… rewind.

73
00:04:01,416 --> 00:04:03,125
That sounds like a great idea.

74
00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:05,875
Great. And let's get some new music
up in here.

75
00:04:05,958 --> 00:04:07,458
Who picked this '90s shit?

76
00:04:07,541 --> 00:04:11,416
It's like someone put a 20 in the Jukebox
and pushed Counting Crows over and over.

77
00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:18,208
I listen to "Accidentally In Love"
from the <i>Shrek 2</i> soundtrack every day!

78
00:04:19,750 --> 00:04:21,458
I mean, great to meet you.

79
00:04:21,541 --> 00:04:23,916
-It's all right. We're joking.
-Yeah, it's all good.

80
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Yeah, no. This is fun.

81
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-That went well.
-That was a disaster.

82
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If one hour with Brett is that awkward,
there's no way I'll fit in at Cognito.

83
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What? No! No-o-o-o!

84
00:04:39,333 --> 00:04:41,916
You and Brett are gonna love each other.

85
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:44,708
Uh, don't count your crows
before they're hatched.

86
00:04:44,791 --> 00:04:46,791
I always ruin first impressions.

87
00:04:46,875 --> 00:04:52,375
You just need to get to know him better.
You two will have way more fun at our…

88
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:56,000
Uh, annual Halloween party.

89
00:04:56,083 --> 00:04:59,125
Yeah, Cognito is known
for our awesome Halloween party

90
00:04:59,208 --> 00:05:02,208
that we throw every single year.
It's legendary.

91
00:05:02,291 --> 00:05:03,291
That could be fun.

92
00:05:03,958 --> 00:05:07,875
We're throwing the first ever Cognito
Halloween party. Attendance is mandatory.

93
00:05:07,958 --> 00:05:11,041
But every Halloween,
my kids and I watch scary movies.

94
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The entire Michael Moore catalog.

95
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I won't be attending.

96
00:05:17,375 --> 00:05:19,916
Parties are just primitive
human mating rituals.

97
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:23,208
Like I'd want to spend an evening
licking any of your mouths

98
00:05:23,291 --> 00:05:25,291
to find a compatible immune system.

99
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Devastating.

100
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:28,250
J.R., when you were running things,

101
00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:30,500
what was our normal budget
for office parties?

102
00:05:30,583 --> 00:05:33,750
You mean the real ones
or the ones you guys were invited to?

103
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I'm thinking a hundred grand to start.

104
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-Sounds good!
-Make it rain, girl.

105
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I'm going to that party.

106
00:05:39,083 --> 00:05:42,750
Dad? You ruined my childhood. You want
to make it up to me by funding this party?

107
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<i>Sure. Much like your childhood,</i>
<i>I won't be there.</i>

108
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<i>I have a hot date with your mom</i>
<i>thanks to the N.E.E.D.Y Act.</i>

109
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<i>I'm gonna re-seduce her</i>

110
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<i>and fill the void inside me</i>
<i>by filling the void inside her--</i>

111
00:05:52,416 --> 00:05:56,416
Brett, the reason I'm throwing this party
is to sell Staedtler on Cognito.

112
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I want to wow him with how awesome
it would be to work here with all of us.

113
00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:01,875
Oh, Staedtler's coming.

114
00:06:01,958 --> 00:06:03,750
Oh, I love that… Love that guy.

115
00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:05,875
I'm worried that if he leaves
the shadow world

116
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our relationship will not survive.

117
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:12,125
I need him to have fun at this party,
and you're the king of fun.

118
00:06:12,708 --> 00:06:13,958
Anything for you.

119
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:15,125
You're the best!

120
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,041
So just as we get Staedtler
to peak party fun,

121
00:06:18,125 --> 00:06:21,208
I'm gonna whip out a job offer
and have him sign it with this.

122
00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:25,375
It doubles as a tranquilizer dart.

123
00:06:25,458 --> 00:06:28,458
-Agh!
-Aw, such a sweet gift, Reags.

124
00:06:28,541 --> 00:06:30,541
SeaWorld, they found me.

125
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,458
Courage wolf, hear me now.

126
00:06:34,541 --> 00:06:37,750
Friendship wolf has gone missing
and you have to find him!

127
00:06:37,833 --> 00:06:39,291
Now get him, boy! Get him!

128
00:06:40,708 --> 00:06:43,833
Where are you, friendship wolf?

129
00:06:46,291 --> 00:06:48,541
Man, you look nuts right now.

130
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:52,541
Andre, I've literally never met a person
I didn't like before until Staedtler,

131
00:06:52,625 --> 00:06:55,458
but for some reason,
I don't vibe with him at all.

132
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,333
I'm about to blow my brains out!

133
00:06:57,916 --> 00:06:59,166
Brett, this is the thing.

134
00:06:59,958 --> 00:07:02,708
I didn't hear
a word you said after Andre.

135
00:07:02,791 --> 00:07:04,458
I don't want to let Reagan down,

136
00:07:04,541 --> 00:07:08,416
but I can't bring party energy
to a guy I have zero chemistry with.

137
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,791
Hey, man, I feel ya.

138
00:07:09,875 --> 00:07:13,708
But if there's two things I know about,
it's chemistry and chemistry.

139
00:07:14,208 --> 00:07:15,541
And chemistry.

140
00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:18,583
Are you okay?

141
00:07:18,666 --> 00:07:20,041
Just give me a sec.

142
00:07:20,125 --> 00:07:23,916
I was working on a friendship virus
to create world peace,

143
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:26,125
but Raytheon paid me never to test it.

144
00:07:26,208 --> 00:07:27,875
I still have the samples right here.

145
00:07:28,375 --> 00:07:29,875
Love you, bro.

146
00:07:29,958 --> 00:07:32,500
A love potion for friendship?

147
00:07:32,583 --> 00:07:34,958
I could customize it
to make you like Staedtler.

148
00:07:35,041 --> 00:07:36,333
Do it, man. Do it!

149
00:07:36,416 --> 00:07:38,000
If we had his DNA.

150
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,000
But how would we get…

151
00:07:40,583 --> 00:07:42,208
Bam! Ron's hair.

152
00:07:42,291 --> 00:07:45,375
God, you can tell
he doesn't use any product at all.

153
00:07:45,458 --> 00:07:47,041
Does he care about appearances?

154
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,500
You're almost back on top.

155
00:07:51,583 --> 00:07:54,250
Got your job, your company.
Now all you need is…

156
00:07:54,958 --> 00:07:58,708
There she is. Ready to put the "date"
in government mandate?

157
00:07:58,791 --> 00:08:02,291
Save it, Rand. The Botox hides it,
but I'm staring daggers at you.

158
00:08:02,375 --> 00:08:04,083
I'm a new man, Tamiko.

159
00:08:04,166 --> 00:08:07,791
I'm gonna wine and dine you
with a night of whimsy and romance.

160
00:08:07,875 --> 00:08:09,000
If you'll just put this on.

161
00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:12,125
Fine, let's get this over with.

162
00:08:18,458 --> 00:08:20,750
Happy Halloween, Cognito!

163
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:25,541
It's time for you monsters to mash…
your genitals together!

164
00:08:25,625 --> 00:08:28,833
Tonight, HR stands for Horny Raving!

165
00:08:29,875 --> 00:08:33,458
Ah, it feels good
to pretend to be rich again.

166
00:08:33,541 --> 00:08:37,416
Can I upsell anyone on this sweet duplex
on Baltic Avenue?

167
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:40,833
-Oh, let me guess. Cher-nobyl.
-Duh.

168
00:08:40,916 --> 00:08:42,375
Ahoy, bitches.

169
00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:45,416
Who's ready to shiver me timbers
to completion?

170
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:48,041
Jack Sparrow? You gotta be kidding me.

171
00:08:48,125 --> 00:08:49,416
Avast, mateys!

172
00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:53,375
Oh, what the Jerry Fuck-heimer.
Take that costume off now!

173
00:08:53,458 --> 00:08:57,791
No way! I spent 5.99 on same-day shipping
for these hair beads.

174
00:08:57,875 --> 00:08:58,916
I look roguish.

175
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,250
You look like a white girl
at Burning Man!

176
00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:08,291
I was going
for more of a detached irony vibe.

177
00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:11,833
-Maybe I should change.
-No, no, no. Everyone is gonna love you.

178
00:09:12,416 --> 00:09:14,583
Wow, these decorations are amazing.

179
00:09:18,875 --> 00:09:22,375
Um, yeah, that is definitely
a Halloween decoration.

180
00:09:22,458 --> 00:09:23,458
Let's hit the bar.

181
00:09:26,750 --> 00:09:28,666
How's it going? Nice Minion costume.

182
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:29,791
It's a hazmat suit,

183
00:09:29,875 --> 00:09:32,125
under which I'm wearing a Minion costume.

184
00:09:32,208 --> 00:09:35,625
This should make you love Staedtler
like he was your own frat brother.

185
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:36,625
Let's do this!

186
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:40,250
Uh, your arm is fine.

187
00:09:40,333 --> 00:09:41,166
Oh.

188
00:09:44,208 --> 00:09:46,208
Love you, bro! Love ya!

189
00:09:46,958 --> 00:09:48,708
Gigi, you remember Staedtler.

190
00:09:48,791 --> 00:09:50,458
How can I forget?

191
00:09:50,541 --> 00:09:54,833
Reagan doesn't have a lot of girlfriends,
so she tells me everything.

192
00:09:54,916 --> 00:09:56,375
Penis size.

193
00:09:58,458 --> 00:10:01,875
Hey-o! There's Ron, the R-man.

194
00:10:01,958 --> 00:10:02,791
Rated R.

195
00:10:02,875 --> 00:10:03,958
R. Kelly.

196
00:10:04,041 --> 00:10:05,458
Forget that last one.

197
00:10:05,541 --> 00:10:08,791
-Look, about the other night--
-Say no more. All that awkwardness?

198
00:10:08,875 --> 00:10:11,000
Good thing tonight
I'm Criss Angel Mindfreak

199
00:10:11,083 --> 00:10:13,208
'cause it, poof, has disappeared.

200
00:10:15,125 --> 00:10:18,541
Cool, man.
And great <i>Final Fantasy</i> costume.

201
00:10:19,125 --> 00:10:20,000
Whoa.

202
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:22,416
Hey, looks like the virus worked!

203
00:10:22,500 --> 00:10:24,458
No, it didn't. I was faking it.

204
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:27,583
I felt nothing but slight dislike.
What is happening?

205
00:10:27,666 --> 00:10:29,000
Brett, where'd you go?

206
00:10:29,083 --> 00:10:31,541
You were totally bonding with Staedtler.

207
00:10:32,500 --> 00:10:36,791
I'm sorry, Reagan, I can't.
I still don't have any vibes with him.

208
00:10:36,875 --> 00:10:40,000
-Yeah, you are failing the vibe check.
-I should just go.

209
00:10:40,083 --> 00:10:43,250
What? No. This party
will fizzle without you!

210
00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:44,375
What are you doing?

211
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:45,708
Social lubricant.

212
00:10:46,791 --> 00:10:50,916
You will drink as much of this as you need
to save my relationship!

213
00:10:52,666 --> 00:10:56,125
Love you, bro.
What's happening, bro? What's up, bros?

214
00:10:56,208 --> 00:11:00,583
Get ready to lose your fucking mind
over the City of Lights.

215
00:11:00,666 --> 00:11:01,958
You brought me to Paris?

216
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:05,708
As CEO, I have unlimited access
to the Cognito shadow lab.

217
00:11:05,791 --> 00:11:07,333
CEO.

218
00:11:07,416 --> 00:11:10,041
I must say, I'm skeptically intrigued.

219
00:11:10,125 --> 00:11:11,958
I know you love fancy crap,

220
00:11:12,041 --> 00:11:15,583
so we got a suite at the Four Seasons
and a dinner resy at Le Cinq.

221
00:11:15,666 --> 00:11:17,000
The night is ours, baby.

222
00:11:17,083 --> 00:11:18,958
So I guess the new romantic you

223
00:11:19,041 --> 00:11:22,125
wouldn't mind taking a stroll
along the Champs-Élysées?

224
00:11:22,208 --> 00:11:23,750
I'd find it magical.

225
00:11:23,833 --> 00:11:25,708
While reciting poetry.

226
00:11:25,791 --> 00:11:29,583
Poetry? Damn it all!
The one thing I didn't bring with me.

227
00:11:29,666 --> 00:11:32,041
Uh, you want to huck croissants at geese?

228
00:11:32,125 --> 00:11:35,458
I'm starting to think
you haven't changed at all.

229
00:11:35,541 --> 00:11:36,833
Uh, no, I have.

230
00:11:36,916 --> 00:11:39,500
Just give me five. I need to take <i>un</i> crap.

231
00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:46,208
Hey, the stars should be twinklier.
Twinklier! What did I tell you?

232
00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:48,583
You told me to create the perfect
romantic simulation.

233
00:11:48,666 --> 00:11:51,166
You said you'd do anything
to win her back, except make an effort.

234
00:11:51,250 --> 00:11:53,625
Effort is for people without robots.

235
00:11:53,708 --> 00:11:56,083
Hey, can you tag in for me for a while?

236
00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:58,791
-Tag in?
-Hologram in as me to the date.

237
00:11:58,875 --> 00:12:01,125
Recite some poetry.
Tamiko will never know.

238
00:12:01,208 --> 00:12:03,083
But I've never been on a date before.

239
00:12:03,166 --> 00:12:06,208
You'll be in my body
and women find me irresistible.

240
00:12:06,291 --> 00:12:07,875
I'm gonna go eat a hot dog on the toilet.

241
00:12:07,958 --> 00:12:10,250
Ping me when she's ready
to jump in the sack.

242
00:12:14,583 --> 00:12:17,708
Okay, are you drunk enough yet
to show my boyfriend a good time?

243
00:12:17,791 --> 00:12:19,333
Almost.

244
00:12:19,416 --> 00:12:21,500
Woo, let's get crazy!

245
00:12:21,583 --> 00:12:26,416
Come, lad. We're doing lines of Lipitor
off my TV Guide!

246
00:12:27,750 --> 00:12:29,708
Love you, bro! Hell yeah, bro!

247
00:12:33,125 --> 00:12:34,625
Love you, bro!

248
00:12:37,750 --> 00:12:39,125
Love you, bro!

249
00:12:43,833 --> 00:12:45,625
Okay, truth or dare?

250
00:12:45,708 --> 00:12:47,750
Truth! I currently sleep in a barrel.

251
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:51,833
Dare. I dare you all to say one reason
why Staedtler would love to work here.

252
00:12:53,041 --> 00:12:56,625
Hey, guys.
It's not a party without Trojans, right?

253
00:12:56,708 --> 00:13:00,375
Oh, Myc could probably
give you 300 reasons.

254
00:13:00,458 --> 00:13:02,500
What's wrong with erasing minds
for the Illuminati?

255
00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:06,000
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, you coming after my job?

256
00:13:06,083 --> 00:13:08,166
Nah, I'm done with mind-erasing.

257
00:13:08,250 --> 00:13:10,666
It's such an amoral, pointless job.

258
00:13:13,041 --> 00:13:14,041
But that's just me.

259
00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:16,916
Uh, for you, it's totally cool.

260
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,250
Good, 'cause there's only room
for one Myc on this team and--

261
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,208
Goddamn it!

262
00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:22,625
Freedom!

263
00:13:22,708 --> 00:13:24,208
That's <i>Braveheart</i>, you idiot!

264
00:13:24,291 --> 00:13:28,041
The only way you're associated
with the number 300 is in pounds.

265
00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:29,500
You calling me fat?

266
00:13:29,583 --> 00:13:30,583
Explicitly.

267
00:13:30,666 --> 00:13:33,375
I'm starting to think you're insulting me.

268
00:13:35,375 --> 00:13:37,125
Love you, bro!

269
00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:41,708
-Hey, how do you feel right now?
-Friendly.

270
00:13:41,791 --> 00:13:44,625
Why are we fighting
over who's got the best costume

271
00:13:44,708 --> 00:13:47,583
when it's obviously
this heat-seeking missile?

272
00:13:47,666 --> 00:13:49,750
Hey, you could totally steal my job.

273
00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:53,416
That'll be our thing. Should we
give each other nicknames?

274
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:56,916
I have a strange urge
not to assassinate you.

275
00:13:57,000 --> 00:14:00,416
Have you ever tried a two-and-a-half-some?

276
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,833
Let's go talk to this guy!

277
00:14:01,916 --> 00:14:05,125
Whoa, you were right.
People here are really friendly.

278
00:14:05,208 --> 00:14:07,333
Yeah, friendly.

279
00:14:07,416 --> 00:14:08,541
Love you, bro!

280
00:14:08,625 --> 00:14:09,875
Give the man some room!

281
00:14:09,958 --> 00:14:12,875
Don't crowd him
just because he has a magnificent penis.

282
00:14:13,666 --> 00:14:14,875
Oh, no. What's going on?

283
00:14:15,375 --> 00:14:17,875
I think the disease is somehow spreading.

284
00:14:17,958 --> 00:14:19,666
You two, what happened?

285
00:14:19,750 --> 00:14:21,958
I was working in the lab
late one night and--

286
00:14:22,041 --> 00:14:25,000
We made a virus to make me like
your boyfriend and it's spreading!

287
00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:26,083
You did what?!

288
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:30,125
Fuck! Brett must be asymptomatic
because he's always at peak friendship,

289
00:14:30,208 --> 00:14:32,625
but it worked on everybody else!

290
00:14:39,541 --> 00:14:42,000
Huh, wow. It is nice to have legs again.

291
00:14:43,166 --> 00:14:46,916
Though I see the world in zeros and ones…

292
00:14:48,041 --> 00:14:52,041
…my target lock
is engaged on your glorious buns.

293
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:53,958
-I love it.

294
00:14:54,041 --> 00:14:57,041
Human touch! Is something I am used to.

295
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,875
Oh, Rand. Grab a napkin
before I slap you… again.

296
00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:05,083
Ha ha, anything for you, my, uh, love.

297
00:15:05,791 --> 00:15:07,750
Blow up the Eiffel Tower.

298
00:15:07,833 --> 00:15:10,458
-What?
-You do love me, don't you?

299
00:15:10,541 --> 00:15:13,500
-Yeah, but--
-And you control the world now, right?

300
00:15:13,583 --> 00:15:15,333
Yes. Uh…

301
00:15:15,416 --> 00:15:19,041
I mean, I, uh,
will blow up the Eiffel Tower.

302
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:24,666
Oh my God.
I just wanted to see how you'd react.

303
00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:27,083
You were really gonna do it,
weren't you?

304
00:15:29,291 --> 00:15:31,208
You're not like anyone I've ever met.

305
00:15:31,291 --> 00:15:33,875
You're like a sociopath
and a yoga mom put together.

306
00:15:33,958 --> 00:15:37,333
I literally have no idea
what you're going to say next.

307
00:15:37,416 --> 00:15:38,583
Vagina egg.

308
00:15:38,666 --> 00:15:40,291
See? There it is again!

309
00:15:40,375 --> 00:15:42,958
You're the only human I can't predict.

310
00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:45,666
And you're
uncharacteristically vulnerable.

311
00:15:45,750 --> 00:15:48,833
I find it both weak and sexy.

312
00:15:48,916 --> 00:15:51,625
A sexual advance. I have to get Rand.

313
00:15:51,708 --> 00:15:53,958
Uh, I mean, get randy.

314
00:15:54,041 --> 00:15:56,000
Staedtler, Staedtler!

315
00:15:56,083 --> 00:15:58,291
All right. Hit it, Mothman.

316
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,875
Staedtler, Staedtler, Staedtler!

317
00:16:01,958 --> 00:16:03,583
Staedtler! Yeah!

318
00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:04,583
What should we do?

319
00:16:04,666 --> 00:16:06,541
-Hm.
-It's Uncle Moneybags' turn!

320
00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:09,250
-Dolla, dolla bills, yo!

321
00:16:10,750 --> 00:16:11,916
Back off, he's mine!

322
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,666
We got to lock this thing down now.

323
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:16,916
Andre, find an antidote.
Brett, keep a lid on things.

324
00:16:18,375 --> 00:16:20,166
Oh, hey. Uh, okay.

325
00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:24,375
-Where are we going?
-I want to show you my lab.

326
00:16:24,458 --> 00:16:28,250
-But the party was just getting fun.
-Know what else everyone thinks is fun?

327
00:16:28,333 --> 00:16:30,041
Looking at computer code!

328
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:35,833
I wonder how that glorified paint can
is doing on my date.

329
00:16:35,916 --> 00:16:37,333
I bet she's eating him alive.

330
00:16:41,416 --> 00:16:42,833
You robot bastard!

331
00:16:43,458 --> 00:16:45,583
Shit! Oh, fuck!

332
00:16:45,666 --> 00:16:47,500
-Where's Staedtler?
-Staedtler.

333
00:16:47,583 --> 00:16:51,125
Excuse me, fellas. If I could just grab
a quick blood sample.

334
00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:53,416
-Agh!
-We saw you talking to Staedtler.

335
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:56,291
Give us friend times
or we cause the end times!

336
00:16:56,375 --> 00:16:58,916
Let's find him.
Why are the blast doors down?

337
00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:04,000
Dear God. They're like the raptors
in <i>Jurassic Park.</i>

338
00:17:04,083 --> 00:17:06,166
They've figured out how to open doors!

339
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:09,166
Shit! We didn't account
for their opposable thumbs!

340
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:11,041
Staedtler!

341
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:14,791
So this is my lab where all the cool
robotic stuff happens.

342
00:17:14,875 --> 00:17:17,833
-Maybe I could find you an opening here.
-Hello, Reagan.

343
00:17:17,916 --> 00:17:19,750
That's my AI assistant, Reag0n.

344
00:17:19,833 --> 00:17:22,166
Reag0n, meet my boyfriend, Ron Staedtler.

345
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,458
Ah, a romantic interest.

346
00:17:24,541 --> 00:17:28,166
Would you like to build a Staedtler bot
to practice making out with?

347
00:17:28,250 --> 00:17:29,750
-What?

348
00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:31,291
No. Why would I do that?

349
00:17:31,375 --> 00:17:33,250
It's your standard protocol.

350
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:34,833
Remember RyanBot?

351
00:17:36,291 --> 00:17:38,000
Commencing construction.

352
00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:42,583
-Reagan, am I alive?
-Stop making the robot!

353
00:17:42,666 --> 00:17:44,250
Halting construction.

354
00:17:44,333 --> 00:17:49,208
Yeah, I'm not sure robotics is for me,
but I'm still open to working here.

355
00:17:49,291 --> 00:17:51,458
Do you want
to officially sign your contract?

356
00:17:52,125 --> 00:17:54,166
Later. Let's get back to the party.

357
00:17:54,250 --> 00:17:56,375
Glenn said he's gonna show me
how to drive a tank.

358
00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:58,708
Wait.
What about doing it on my desk?

359
00:17:58,791 --> 00:18:00,583
We could do it all the time
when you work here.

360
00:18:00,666 --> 00:18:02,583
Nothing mixes better than sex and work.

361
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:04,583
Terminating StaedtlerBot.

362
00:18:06,708 --> 00:18:09,458
It hurts!

363
00:18:09,541 --> 00:18:10,583
Maybe later.

364
00:18:10,666 --> 00:18:12,416
W-W-Wait. We can't go back!

365
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:13,958
Why are you acting so weird?

366
00:18:14,833 --> 00:18:19,166
-Andre?
-Staedtler! Let's start a band!

367
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:20,583
Join us.

368
00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:23,666
Everything is not okay. Run!

369
00:18:24,541 --> 00:18:27,625
Wait, you guys gave everyone a virus
to make them like me?

370
00:18:27,708 --> 00:18:29,250
Am I that unlikable?

371
00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:30,500
Staedtler.

372
00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:34,041
Focus on the positive.
It did work insanely well. Agh!

373
00:18:34,125 --> 00:18:35,250
Let's make out!

374
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:38,333
Not in a weird way. Just guys vibin'.

375
00:18:38,416 --> 00:18:42,333
I know this all looks bad, but trust me,
Cognito is a great place to work.

376
00:18:42,416 --> 00:18:44,625
What if we unleash
these Hitler clones on them?

377
00:18:44,708 --> 00:18:46,333
Like <i>Hitler</i> Hitler?

378
00:18:46,416 --> 00:18:48,666
Look, we're all scientists here.

379
00:18:48,750 --> 00:18:51,000
I mean, everyone's cloned a few Hitlers.

380
00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:52,041
<i>Sieg Heil!</i>

381
00:18:52,125 --> 00:18:54,750
How many Hitlers does an office need?

382
00:18:54,833 --> 00:18:56,500
Or we could develop a gene therapy--

383
00:18:59,416 --> 00:19:01,416
Did you say baby organs?

384
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:02,666
Brett, stop helping!

385
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,541
Staedtler!

386
00:19:04,625 --> 00:19:06,916
What kind of place is this?

387
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:08,208
Staedtler!

388
00:19:08,291 --> 00:19:09,583
Staedtler!

389
00:19:10,208 --> 00:19:11,875
Come play with me, Staedtler.

390
00:19:11,958 --> 00:19:13,291
Just nine rounds.

391
00:19:13,375 --> 00:19:17,500
I feel like we have the same interests.
Want to start a podcast?

392
00:19:17,583 --> 00:19:18,875
Hm, maybe.

393
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:22,958
No! This is like a siren song
for straight white men.

394
00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:28,541
Staedtler, join us.

395
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:30,250
I want to help you move!

396
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:33,333
Staedtler,
why is your Instagram private?

397
00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:35,666
-Staedtler!
-Staedtler!

398
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:38,541
Okay, so Andre used your DNA
to make the virus,

399
00:19:38,625 --> 00:19:41,833
so maybe if we use the DNA
of someone who doesn't like you

400
00:19:41,916 --> 00:19:43,916
then we can reverse engineer an antidote.

401
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,250
Brett! You don't like Staedtler.
Give me your arm.

402
00:19:46,333 --> 00:19:50,666
What?
No, no, I totally dig you, Staedtler.

403
00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:52,708
It's okay, Brett.
You don't have to like me.

404
00:19:52,791 --> 00:19:55,333
We both care about Reagan
and that's enough.

405
00:19:55,416 --> 00:19:59,166
Wait. So you're saying it's okay
to not like you?

406
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:01,333
-No one's ever said that to me before.
-Brett?

407
00:20:01,416 --> 00:20:03,125
Such radical empathy!

408
00:20:03,208 --> 00:20:04,833
-No, no, no, no, no.
-I…

409
00:20:04,916 --> 00:20:05,958
Fight it, Brett.

410
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:08,583
I finally like you now! Bring it in.

411
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:12,958
That's really fucking sweet,
but now your DNA is useless!

412
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:16,333
-Staedtler!
-Staedtler, take off your clothes!

413
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:19,541
Okay. How many people
did you tell about my, you know?

414
00:20:19,625 --> 00:20:21,416
I have a plan. Just do it!

415
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,458
I'll pretend to be you. I'll hold them off
long enough for you to escape.

416
00:20:24,541 --> 00:20:25,791
Brett, that's insane.

417
00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:28,041
Who would be that suicidally friendly?

418
00:20:28,125 --> 00:20:29,166
Brett would.

419
00:20:29,875 --> 00:20:32,208
I… I actually like you too, Brett.

420
00:20:32,291 --> 00:20:33,708
-Sincerely.
-Sincerely.

421
00:20:34,416 --> 00:20:36,083
-Staedtler!
-Go!

422
00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:37,291
Staedtler!

423
00:20:37,375 --> 00:20:39,333
Hey, it's me, Staedtler!

424
00:20:39,416 --> 00:20:40,333
Huh?

425
00:20:41,666 --> 00:20:43,791
Attack me with your wrong love.

426
00:20:43,875 --> 00:20:47,000
Ow. Ow. Ow, ow. Ow!

427
00:20:49,541 --> 00:20:52,333
You know, Tamiko?
I've been in a cage for so long.

428
00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:54,583
Uh, emotionally.

429
00:20:54,666 --> 00:20:57,916
But tonight is the first time
I've ever felt free.

430
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,625
You sound nothing like the man I divorced.

431
00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:03,916
For one thing,
you're not holding in bong smoke.

432
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,541
There's something I must tell you.

433
00:21:06,125 --> 00:21:08,000
You're about to fuck a machine!

434
00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:09,291
God, I hope so.

435
00:21:12,791 --> 00:21:16,250
I asked this two-faced bag of bolts
to trick you into banging me,

436
00:21:16,333 --> 00:21:17,375
and he betrayed me.

437
00:21:17,458 --> 00:21:21,458
This entire thing wasn't real?
Paris? Your poetry?

438
00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:23,500
But it was real, Tamiko.

439
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:24,875
I've fallen for you,

440
00:21:24,958 --> 00:21:28,416
and my facial recognition software
tells me you feel this too!

441
00:21:29,041 --> 00:21:31,541
-Oh.
-Time to force quit, asshole.

442
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:33,125
Bring it, blood sack!

443
00:21:33,208 --> 00:21:35,000
She deserves better than you!

444
00:21:44,958 --> 00:21:47,166
I'm not not into this.

445
00:21:49,708 --> 00:21:51,375
Staedtler!

446
00:21:51,458 --> 00:21:53,333
Think, Reagan, think!

447
00:21:53,416 --> 00:21:55,166
-What?
-Um, nothing.

448
00:21:55,250 --> 00:21:56,708
No, I know that look.

449
00:21:56,791 --> 00:21:59,625
That's the "I have an idea
but I don't want to say it" look.

450
00:21:59,708 --> 00:22:02,166
Like the time
you wanted to use Cheetos as croutons.

451
00:22:02,250 --> 00:22:03,375
Damn it!

452
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,958
Well, the thing is
they can't be infatuated with you

453
00:22:07,041 --> 00:22:08,625
if they can't remember you.

454
00:22:08,708 --> 00:22:12,666
Of course. Erase their minds.
It's what I'm good at.

455
00:22:12,750 --> 00:22:14,416
The whole point of you working here

456
00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:17,458
was so you didn't have to
erase people's memories anymore.

457
00:22:17,541 --> 00:22:19,125
What other choice do we have?

458
00:22:19,208 --> 00:22:21,583
We need to amplify
the gun's signal somehow.

459
00:22:21,666 --> 00:22:24,041
Can we hotwire it
into the building's lighting system?

460
00:22:24,125 --> 00:22:26,583
Yes, with this.

461
00:22:26,666 --> 00:22:29,583
It was a gift for you
to celebrate you signing the contract.

462
00:22:39,333 --> 00:22:41,750
-Staedtler!
-Pull the trigger on my mark.

463
00:22:41,833 --> 00:22:43,208
Staedtler!

464
00:22:43,291 --> 00:22:45,375
-Three.
-Staedtler!

465
00:22:45,458 --> 00:22:47,375
-Two.
-Staedtler!

466
00:22:47,458 --> 00:22:48,333
One.

467
00:22:49,250 --> 00:22:51,333
-Staedtler!
-Now!

468
00:22:52,208 --> 00:22:55,750
Staedtler! Staedtler!

469
00:22:57,333 --> 00:22:58,208
Huh?

470
00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:08,125
Uh, who are you?

471
00:23:08,208 --> 00:23:10,916
And why is my tentacle on your butt?

472
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,125
Guys, this is my boyfriend, Staedtler.

473
00:23:13,208 --> 00:23:14,458
Nice to meet you all.

474
00:23:14,541 --> 00:23:16,250
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
-Hello.

475
00:23:16,333 --> 00:23:19,208
-You probably wanna get back to the party.
-The party?

476
00:23:19,291 --> 00:23:20,916
The Halloween party, in the atrium?

477
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,708
-Okay.
-Okay.

478
00:23:22,791 --> 00:23:23,625
Hold on!

479
00:23:23,708 --> 00:23:26,375
Uh, remember how you guys
did a group costume?

480
00:23:26,458 --> 00:23:28,083
-Huh. Sure.
-All right.

481
00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:31,416
See, we do work well together.

482
00:23:32,416 --> 00:23:35,791
Look, I've been thinking.
Our work is the problem.

483
00:23:35,875 --> 00:23:38,833
Illuminati, Cognito, no matter what we do,

484
00:23:38,916 --> 00:23:42,583
the shadow government is always
gonna put a strain on our relationship.

485
00:23:42,666 --> 00:23:46,291
We'll figure out how to balance our lives
and jobs eventually.

486
00:23:47,291 --> 00:23:50,333
-You fucking Erector Set! Fuck you!
-You never appreciated her.

487
00:23:50,416 --> 00:23:52,833
I'm a better Rand than you'll ever be.

488
00:23:52,916 --> 00:23:57,750
Stop. Why would I think after 35 years
of marriage you would ever change?

489
00:23:57,833 --> 00:24:01,916
There is no way I am ever
getting back together with you.

490
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:02,958
Free advice?

491
00:24:03,041 --> 00:24:06,708
Everyone who works at this place
either starts insane or goes insane.

492
00:24:06,791 --> 00:24:08,416
Get out while you still can.

493
00:24:09,708 --> 00:24:12,708
Did you hear that?
They made it work for 35 years.

494
00:24:12,791 --> 00:24:16,375
I should probably go.
I have to clear my head and think.

495
00:24:16,458 --> 00:24:18,583
About the job? Or about us?

496
00:24:19,625 --> 00:24:20,916
Just… Uh…

497
00:24:21,666 --> 00:24:22,500
Just think.

498
00:24:25,416 --> 00:24:27,791
So when is Staedtler starting?

499
00:24:27,875 --> 00:24:30,291
I really like that guy.
Did he say anything about me?

500
00:24:32,291 --> 00:24:33,916
We'll always have Holo-Paris.

501
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,125
Whatever, tinman.
This is just a temporary setback.

502
00:24:37,208 --> 00:24:39,416
As long as I'm head of Cognito,

503
00:24:39,500 --> 00:24:42,791
there will always be another way
to win her back.

504
00:24:43,458 --> 00:24:47,833
<i>Rand Ridley, report to the</i>
<i>Holo-conference line immediately.</i>

505
00:24:47,916 --> 00:24:49,750
<i>The Robes wish to discuss</i>

506
00:24:49,833 --> 00:24:53,375
<i>your performance as head of Cognito.</i>

507
00:24:56,750 --> 00:24:58,875
Shall I log you into Monster.com?

508
00:25:27,208 --> 00:25:30,875
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