1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,708
A NETFLIX SERIES
2
00:00:09,416 --> 00:00:10,625
[tapping on glass]
3
00:00:10,708 --> 00:00:12,583
[Mr. Hand] Gather round, Hand family.
4
00:00:12,666 --> 00:00:16,375
You've been summoned to Hand Manor
for our most cherished tradition,
5
00:00:16,458 --> 00:00:19,250
the annual ranking of the Hand children.
6
00:00:19,333 --> 00:00:20,416
Hear, hear!
7
00:00:25,166 --> 00:00:27,083
You have one minute to defend your value.
8
00:00:27,166 --> 00:00:29,625
Well, I just made partner at the firm,
9
00:00:29,708 --> 00:00:32,750
totally crushed
this greedy class action suit.
10
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:37,208
It's every American's right
to own a wig factory that poisons a river.
11
00:00:37,291 --> 00:00:38,541
Taff?
12
00:00:38,625 --> 00:00:42,125
I've decided to end my seven-figure
modeling contract to pursue my hobby.
13
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,875
Pediatric brain surgery.
14
00:00:43,958 --> 00:00:47,375
Our size zero
is turning into a hero. Brett?
15
00:00:47,458 --> 00:00:49,958
I have a new job too.
It-It's super important.
16
00:00:50,041 --> 00:00:53,750
I just can't talk about it
or the nanobots will explode my brain.
17
00:00:53,833 --> 00:00:56,791
Ah, yes, your "classified" job.
18
00:00:56,875 --> 00:00:59,166
[groans] I blame myself.
19
00:00:59,708 --> 00:01:02,791
For not adequately blaming
the staff we hired to raise you.
20
00:01:02,875 --> 00:01:04,666
You've always been an embarrassment.
21
00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:08,250
Luckily we have Jagg here
to carry the family name.
22
00:01:08,333 --> 00:01:11,333
My campaign for senator
airs its first commercial
23
00:01:11,416 --> 00:01:13,875
on Patriot News this week.
24
00:01:19,041 --> 00:01:19,875
Called it.
25
00:01:19,958 --> 00:01:23,458
This campaign could not exist
without all of your help.
26
00:01:23,541 --> 00:01:25,208
-[Taff] Of course!
-[Matt] We love you, bro.
27
00:01:25,291 --> 00:01:28,166
Wait, you're all working
on Jagg's campaign?
28
00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:29,708
Why didn't anybody ask me to help?
29
00:01:29,791 --> 00:01:32,375
With what?
Slowly draining your "trust fund"?
30
00:01:32,458 --> 00:01:33,625
Shrewsbury, up top!
31
00:01:34,166 --> 00:01:35,916
Savage burn, sir.
32
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:40,125
Uh, no offense, Brett, but you've always
been kind of a spineless yes man.
33
00:01:40,208 --> 00:01:42,208
Oh, come on. I'm not spineless.
34
00:01:42,291 --> 00:01:44,958
The doctor said
my spine is just huggably soft.
35
00:01:45,041 --> 00:01:46,791
Well, Muffy just had puppies.
36
00:01:46,875 --> 00:01:49,416
So that puts her in a tie for fourth.
37
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:50,416
Shall we vote?
38
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,916
All in favor of Muffy in fourth?
39
00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:54,333
Aye!
40
00:01:55,125 --> 00:01:57,166
[sighs] Aye.
41
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:58,541
Break out the will.
42
00:01:58,625 --> 00:02:01,708
-That dog is getting a house in Cape Cod.
-[bell rings]
43
00:02:01,791 --> 00:02:03,791
[string orchestral music plays]
44
00:02:07,416 --> 00:02:09,250
[upbeat music plays]
45
00:02:30,125 --> 00:02:31,541
[military music plays]
46
00:02:38,041 --> 00:02:39,416
Tonight, sexting.
47
00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:43,500
Are dirty messages distracting your teen
from studying their assault rifle?
48
00:02:43,583 --> 00:02:44,791
Right again, Danica.
49
00:02:44,875 --> 00:02:47,041
But first, are you sick of liberals
50
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:51,166
telling you you can't eat
an entire drum of fructose corn syrup?
51
00:02:54,916 --> 00:02:58,375
even massive lethal amounts of fructose.
52
00:02:58,458 --> 00:02:59,375
Consume.
53
00:02:59,458 --> 00:03:04,416
-Consume, consume, consume, consume.
-Consume, consume, consume, consume.
54
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:08,166
-Consume, consume, consume.
-Consume, consume, consume.
55
00:03:08,250 --> 00:03:10,625
Now you, conflicting viewpoint, you're up.
56
00:03:17,041 --> 00:03:19,375
Whatever Patriot News just said was wrong.
57
00:03:19,458 --> 00:03:21,333
Here are some synonyms to wrong.
58
00:03:21,416 --> 00:03:25,125
Scurrilous,
malfease-escent, incorrectitude.
59
00:03:25,208 --> 00:03:29,458
What matters most is
that we all come together and eat quinoa.
60
00:03:29,541 --> 00:03:31,708
Consume, consume.
61
00:03:31,791 --> 00:03:33,500
Oh, I love cable news.
62
00:03:33,583 --> 00:03:36,208
It's like watching the apocalypse
in slow motion.
63
00:03:36,291 --> 00:03:41,166
Imagine if outraged viewers on both sides
knew the truth about the Gigi-run media.
64
00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:44,041
Uh, our conspiracies
aren't gonna cover up themselves.
65
00:03:44,125 --> 00:03:46,666
That's why my department
creates meaningless controversies
66
00:03:46,750 --> 00:03:48,375
to distract the country from the truth.
67
00:03:48,458 --> 00:03:51,708
Like that you and your new boy toy
almost leveled Rome on a sexcapade.
68
00:03:51,791 --> 00:03:52,625
[bell rings]
69
00:03:52,708 --> 00:03:55,125
[Gigi] When we come back, get flirtier.
70
00:03:55,208 --> 00:03:56,333
I want to see sparks.
71
00:03:56,416 --> 00:03:58,291
[electricity crackles]
72
00:03:58,375 --> 00:04:00,583
Ugh. He's doing the thing again!
73
00:04:01,541 --> 00:04:04,125
I thought you said robotic male co-hosts
would be cheaper.
74
00:04:04,208 --> 00:04:07,291
When you factor in the sexual harassment
suits from human anchormen,
75
00:04:07,375 --> 00:04:08,333
we still save money.
76
00:04:11,625 --> 00:04:16,375
When I decided to run for Senate,
it wasn't for the elites in Washington.
77
00:04:16,458 --> 00:04:17,958
I did it for what matters.
78
00:04:18,041 --> 00:04:21,250
Family. Whether it's your family,
or mine right here.
79
00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:23,125
Ah, we're sure proud of you, bro.
80
00:04:23,208 --> 00:04:24,125
Thanks, Brett.
81
00:04:29,541 --> 00:04:31,791
[laughs] Uh, awesome.
82
00:04:31,875 --> 00:04:37,166
What? Your family recast you
in an ad about the importance of family?
83
00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:40,333
Well, Jagg said
Wheelchair Brett tested better.
84
00:04:40,416 --> 00:04:42,541
I know that you got here
by being a yes man.
85
00:04:42,625 --> 00:04:44,958
[laughs] Why do people keep saying that?
86
00:04:45,041 --> 00:04:46,833
But that commercial should piss you off!
87
00:04:46,916 --> 00:04:48,541
Absolutely agree. Hundred percent.
88
00:04:48,625 --> 00:04:50,291
-[screaming]
-Do something!
89
00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,583
What does pro-death even mean?
90
00:05:00,666 --> 00:05:03,375
Today's sponsor is Tubbo's Pizza.
91
00:05:03,458 --> 00:05:06,875
Stuff your crust, stuff your casket.
92
00:05:07,958 --> 00:05:10,833
Where am I supposed to find
another camera-ready white man
93
00:05:10,916 --> 00:05:13,416
who can talk for hours
without actually saying anything?
94
00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:15,208
[Brett] Really? Everything bagels?
95
00:05:15,291 --> 00:05:19,208
[laughs] Get real. I can name at least
a thousand things not on this bagel.
96
00:05:19,291 --> 00:05:21,583
Legos, fingers, time itself…
97
00:05:21,666 --> 00:05:24,541
[gasps] My God!
Non-threatening, all-American.
98
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:27,625
The Comic Sans of people. Brett!
99
00:05:28,166 --> 00:05:29,000
Me, a news anchor?
100
00:05:29,083 --> 00:05:32,666
But my parents watch Patriot News 24/7.
What if I say the wrong thing?
101
00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:34,625
Everyone's dream is to be on TV.
102
00:05:34,708 --> 00:05:36,250
Actually, my dream was to--
103
00:05:36,333 --> 00:05:37,875
[groans] I'm already bored.
104
00:05:37,958 --> 00:05:40,625
Perhaps I can offer my assistance.
105
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,875
By compiling thousands of hours
of news footage,
106
00:05:42,958 --> 00:05:45,250
I can generate a script
that's boomer catnip,
107
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:48,083
and I am hungry
to get back into the political arena.
108
00:05:48,166 --> 00:05:51,083
Well, I guess your scripts
couldn't be worse than Glenn's.
109
00:05:51,166 --> 00:05:53,916
I write what's in my heart, which is fear,
110
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,125
and according to the doctors,
a new type of cholesterol.
111
00:05:57,208 --> 00:05:59,000
Intern, Tubbo's pizza me.
112
00:05:59,708 --> 00:06:01,208
Brett, Reagan, 60 seconds!
113
00:06:02,583 --> 00:06:05,291
Hurry! We're on in five, four…
114
00:06:06,541 --> 00:06:08,166
Don't shank this, pretty boy.
115
00:06:08,250 --> 00:06:09,208
[gulps]
116
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:27,333
Vegetarianism's a slippery slope
to cows taking over
117
00:06:27,416 --> 00:06:29,958
and eating America's beloved golf courses.
118
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:32,791
I like my meat
the way I like my toxic waste.
119
00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:35,000
Ignored by safety inspectors.
120
00:06:35,083 --> 00:06:38,750
And if we really believe in freedom,
shouldn't guns be allowed to vote?
121
00:06:42,083 --> 00:06:43,958
Wow, you've finally done it.
122
00:06:44,041 --> 00:06:45,791
Artificial unintelligence.
123
00:06:45,875 --> 00:06:47,750
Would anyone even fall for this crap?
124
00:06:47,833 --> 00:06:49,166
Guns should vote!
125
00:06:49,250 --> 00:06:51,583
Finally, someone brave enough to say it.
126
00:06:51,666 --> 00:06:52,958
That's our show.
127
00:06:53,041 --> 00:06:54,625
[Gigi sighs] That's commercial.
128
00:06:54,708 --> 00:06:56,000
[sighs] Was that okay?
129
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,083
Look at these views!
130
00:06:58,166 --> 00:07:02,083
You're like Captain America fucked
Steve McQueen fucked Lightning McQueen!
131
00:07:02,166 --> 00:07:03,375
[laughs] Kachow!
132
00:07:03,458 --> 00:07:05,625
How would you like to permanently co-host?
133
00:07:05,708 --> 00:07:07,333
We've got something here, Brett,
134
00:07:07,416 --> 00:07:10,291
and your chest is somehow
harder than the robot's.
135
00:07:10,375 --> 00:07:12,250
Well, if it'll make you guys happy
136
00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:15,250
and it'll impress my parents,
I guess I'm in.
137
00:07:15,833 --> 00:07:18,500
Finally. I have my own puppet.
138
00:07:18,583 --> 00:07:22,250
Phase one, a signature look
that also serves as merchandise.
139
00:07:28,750 --> 00:07:33,208
And if I want to shoot endangered animals
out of catapults on my own gold farm,
140
00:07:33,291 --> 00:07:34,541
it's my right!
141
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:37,791
I like this nice, young man.
142
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,333
Heckin' right.
Someone who respects freedom.
143
00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:44,125
And soon, hopefully,
a gun's right to marry another gun.
144
00:07:44,208 --> 00:07:47,041
You'll be wed soon, my pretties.
145
00:07:47,125 --> 00:07:48,541
[kissing noises]
146
00:07:48,625 --> 00:07:51,583
Phase two. Appeal to their emotions.
147
00:07:51,666 --> 00:07:54,750
Fear, fear, fear.
148
00:07:55,250 --> 00:07:58,375
-Fear, fear, fear.
-Fear, fear, fear.
149
00:08:01,333 --> 00:08:03,166
Finally, a beacon of hope.
150
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:06,208
From now on, I'm gonna let
my screaming do the talking.
151
00:08:06,291 --> 00:08:10,750
And for the coup de grâce,
an inane catchphrase. Something like…
152
00:08:10,833 --> 00:08:13,791
Bretts get ready to rumble!
153
00:08:13,875 --> 00:08:16,583
America, you have a Brett-shaped hole
in your heart
154
00:08:16,666 --> 00:08:18,833
and I am here to fill your Brett hole.
155
00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:23,125
It might just be my pills talking,
but I think that's our son.
156
00:08:23,208 --> 00:08:25,250
Brett on Patriot News?
157
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:28,458
Shrewsbury, unblock his phone number
and get him on the line.
158
00:08:32,458 --> 00:08:34,916
Everybody, hide! Rupert's on the warpath.
159
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,708
He's killing people with his bare hands.
160
00:08:37,791 --> 00:08:40,875
For once, this is
not inflammatory hyperbole!
161
00:08:40,958 --> 00:08:42,125
[screaming]
162
00:08:42,208 --> 00:08:44,833
Thank God for these doors
that lock from the inside.
163
00:08:44,916 --> 00:08:46,291
-[woman screams]
-[all gasp]
164
00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:53,125
I smell opportunity.
165
00:08:53,208 --> 00:08:55,541
[sniffs] And fucking Sumatran blend?
166
00:08:55,625 --> 00:08:58,583
No. No, no, no.
I-I swear I ordered Kenyan!
167
00:08:58,666 --> 00:09:00,875
Ha! I'm fucking with you, intern.
168
00:09:00,958 --> 00:09:04,458
Go clean my car. I think someone threw up
in the driver's seat this morning.
169
00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:08,416
Whoa!
170
00:09:08,500 --> 00:09:09,708
[cell phone buzzes]
171
00:09:14,250 --> 00:09:16,208
Mom and Dad watch every night.
172
00:09:16,291 --> 00:09:17,375
For realio?
173
00:09:17,458 --> 00:09:22,416
It's not easy to say this, but we're…
[sighs] We're… Shrewsbury!
174
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,208
They are proud of you, sir.
175
00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:26,166
[Mr. Hand] This changes everything.
176
00:09:26,250 --> 00:09:28,875
You've just been promoted
to number two son.
177
00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:31,750
Wheelchair Brett, you're fired.
178
00:09:31,833 --> 00:09:33,250
[Wheelchair Brett yells]
179
00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:34,833
Matt, you're number three now.
180
00:09:34,916 --> 00:09:37,583
Your new friends are Luke Hemsworth
and Tom Franco.
181
00:09:37,666 --> 00:09:40,583
No. No. No!
182
00:09:40,666 --> 00:09:42,875
[gasps and screams]
183
00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:46,083
And then Jagg asked me to open for him
at campaign rallies.
184
00:09:46,166 --> 00:09:49,583
For the first time in my life,
I'm finally part of the family.
185
00:09:50,583 --> 00:09:53,041
Brett, get ready to go to war
with your family.
186
00:09:53,125 --> 00:09:54,458
You're running for senator.
187
00:09:58,125 --> 00:09:59,875
[gulps and laughs awkwardly]
188
00:09:59,958 --> 00:10:02,500
Huh. I always thought
that was a supply closet.
189
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:06,791
It's those crazy Backhanders
you've been whipping up on Patriot News.
190
00:10:10,666 --> 00:10:14,166
But we already own the president
and 49% of Congress.
191
00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:18,791
Exactly. If you win,
Cognito will fully rule America.
192
00:10:18,875 --> 00:10:21,625
But, sir, my family
just started respecting me and--
193
00:10:21,708 --> 00:10:26,208
Can it! I pay you to talk, not to talk.
Gigi, you're on media.
194
00:10:26,291 --> 00:10:28,666
I'm gonna soundbite the nation's dick off.
195
00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:31,583
Myc, you're the cutthroat
campaign manager.
196
00:10:31,666 --> 00:10:34,333
[Myc] Is that literal? How much power
are we talking about here?
197
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:37,708
Glenn, you're the injured veteran
who we trot out as a prop for sympathy.
198
00:10:37,791 --> 00:10:39,250
I don't want your pity.
199
00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:41,041
Andre, you're probably a millennial.
200
00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:43,750
Go to college campuses
and drum up the youth vote.
201
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:46,958
You know millennials
are, like, pushing 40 now, right?
202
00:10:47,041 --> 00:10:50,583
And I'll be the power behind the scenes
with my four-dimensional chess.
203
00:10:50,666 --> 00:10:52,833
I can take my manipulation to the next--
[groans]
204
00:10:52,916 --> 00:10:54,000
You're the doorstop.
205
00:10:54,083 --> 00:10:58,000
What? This is an outrage.
I should have let Bear-O destroy you all.
206
00:10:58,083 --> 00:10:58,958
[sighs]
207
00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:03,041
Okay, Dad. What's your real reason for
getting involved in this one dumb race?
208
00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:09,791
The Neglectfully Excommunicated Exes
Date You Act?
209
00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:15,291
It legally requires all divorced couples
to go on a romantic date once a month.
210
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,625
Sex optional. Don't want to overreach.
211
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:22,000
So you're gonna overthrow the government
just to make Mom tolerate a date with you?
212
00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:23,583
Democracy in action.
213
00:11:27,083 --> 00:11:28,500
Brett, Brett, Brett!
214
00:11:28,583 --> 00:11:31,166
[groans] Can't we make the intern do this?
215
00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:34,375
Interns don't have
self-moistening blowholes.
216
00:11:34,458 --> 00:11:35,916
Stop talking about your holes.
217
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,041
I'm on the line
with my old sweatshop connects
218
00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:41,625
trying to get these
"Keep Jobs in America" hats on the cheap.
219
00:11:41,708 --> 00:11:43,000
Xin Zhao, Nike.
220
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:44,208
Where the hell is Brett?
221
00:11:46,166 --> 00:11:47,541
-[knocking on door]
-Come on, man.
222
00:11:51,458 --> 00:11:55,208
[sighs] You're right, Reagan.
Time to face the FaceTime.
223
00:11:55,291 --> 00:11:57,791
This FaceTime, it's personal.
224
00:11:57,875 --> 00:11:59,708
What the fuck are you thinking?
225
00:11:59,791 --> 00:12:02,000
Destroying your brother's
political legacy.
226
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:03,416
What are you, a Bush?
227
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,083
I swear it wasn't my idea!
228
00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:06,958
Drop out or we'll disown you.
229
00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:08,333
Fix this, Brett.
230
00:12:08,416 --> 00:12:11,458
Or you'll be as dead to us
as the fourth Hand brother, Chad.
231
00:12:11,541 --> 00:12:13,458
-Wait, who?
-I've said too much.
232
00:12:13,541 --> 00:12:18,208
[gasps] If I win, my dad hates me.
But if I quit the race, your dad hates me.
233
00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:20,083
There's so many dads!
234
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,458
[Brett whimpers]
235
00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:24,291
You know what? Fuck our parents.
236
00:12:24,375 --> 00:12:26,625
What if we secretly sabotage
your campaign?
237
00:12:26,708 --> 00:12:28,041
The Deep State wants you to win,
238
00:12:28,125 --> 00:12:30,333
but we can form
an even deeper state to lose.
239
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,708
You'd do that for me?
240
00:12:31,791 --> 00:12:35,500
Of course. Get ready to join
the deepest state there is. Friendship.
241
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:39,166
Brett Hand for Senate!
242
00:12:40,416 --> 00:12:42,583
You want me to help you lose the election?
243
00:12:42,666 --> 00:12:45,750
But I've worked so hard
to create the perfect candidate.
244
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:48,041
Look, if I could destroy
my political puppet,
245
00:12:48,125 --> 00:12:49,416
you can take down yours.
246
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:52,583
Come on, Alpha-Beta, destroy me.
I'm just begging for it.
247
00:12:52,666 --> 00:12:55,041
It's somehow less fun when you want it,
248
00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:59,000
but I do have an encyclopedic recall
of every career-ending political scandal.
249
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:01,416
Okay, Brett, let's ruin your life.
250
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:03,583
Oh, thank God. Where do we start?
251
00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:08,458
Can't go wrong with the classics.
252
00:13:13,875 --> 00:13:15,875
[dominatrix] What are you into, bad boy?
253
00:13:15,958 --> 00:13:17,250
Whatever you're into.
254
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:21,208
Well, I'd be into getting more respect
from society at large.
255
00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:23,791
You know, I'm…
I'm sorry. I'm talking about myself.
256
00:13:23,875 --> 00:13:26,791
No, no, no, no, no. I'm here to listen.
257
00:13:32,416 --> 00:13:35,375
I couldn't help it.
The solution just seemed so obvious.
258
00:13:40,291 --> 00:13:43,291
Can you grab a photo of me
snorting this maple-flavored cocaine?
259
00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:47,500
Hey, helping out is what
being a drug lord's all about, eh?
260
00:13:47,583 --> 00:13:49,333
Okay, here goes.
261
00:13:49,416 --> 00:13:53,333
I've only sniffed Crayola markers before,
but this can't be that different, right?
262
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,750
[sneezes]
263
00:13:59,291 --> 00:14:00,416
Wow, you did it!
264
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:04,375
You took out Infamous Canadian drug lord
Tony "Maple Leaf" O'Malley!
265
00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:05,708
I did what now?
266
00:14:06,375 --> 00:14:09,875
Wow! A key to the city of Toronto.
Wow, man, that's like oh shit.
267
00:14:09,958 --> 00:14:11,708
This feels like a boss key, like in Zelda.
268
00:14:11,791 --> 00:14:15,000
What are you, Ganon? Who's thirsty?
I could go for some water.
269
00:14:15,083 --> 00:14:16,416
Let's talk about water.
270
00:14:19,333 --> 00:14:21,666
to put out the fires in California?
271
00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:25,125
They were really nice about it,
and I just felt too bad to correct them.
272
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,708
Well, when I'm senator, I'm slashing
health benefits for veterans like this.
273
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:40,625
[gasping]
274
00:14:40,708 --> 00:14:45,208
To be clear, I, Brett Hand,
think veterans are dumb babies.
275
00:14:45,791 --> 00:14:47,291
What the hell, Brett?
276
00:14:47,375 --> 00:14:50,791
I moistened 10,000 expired stamps for you.
277
00:14:50,875 --> 00:14:51,916
[burps]
278
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,375
So many stamps.
279
00:14:54,083 --> 00:14:57,208
Glenn! Don't worry.
I learned Dolphin CPR at SeaWorld.
280
00:14:57,791 --> 00:15:01,041
[Myc] Huh. Always figured if Glenn died
from a Seinfeld plot line,
281
00:15:01,125 --> 00:15:03,083
it would've been the no jacking off one.
282
00:15:03,166 --> 00:15:04,375
[dramatic music plays]
283
00:15:04,458 --> 00:15:05,375
[Brett blows]
284
00:15:05,458 --> 00:15:06,291
[Glenn gasps]
285
00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:07,708
[Glenn gags]
286
00:15:07,791 --> 00:15:09,458
[woman] He can walk again!
287
00:15:09,541 --> 00:15:13,125
This man supports the Marines
and aquamarines.
288
00:15:13,208 --> 00:15:16,083
[woman] We love you, Brett!
You can do no wrong!
289
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,000
Un-fucking-believable.
290
00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:25,291
You somehow even landed the youth vote.
How the hell did that happen?
291
00:15:25,375 --> 00:15:26,250
[dance music plays]
292
00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:34,875
Offshore accounts, bailouts.
You can get away with anything!
293
00:15:34,958 --> 00:15:37,166
If you really want
to get back at your parents,
294
00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:40,291
vote with them
against all their interests.
295
00:15:41,416 --> 00:15:43,833
Nothing matters but the self!
296
00:15:43,916 --> 00:15:48,583
[groans] My family is gonna disown me
for destroying Jagg's chances.
297
00:15:48,666 --> 00:15:51,750
I need a bigger scandal.
Why don't scandals work anymore?
298
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:54,041
You've entered the modern
"infallible zone."
299
00:15:54,125 --> 00:15:55,583
People don't give a shit anymore.
300
00:15:55,666 --> 00:15:58,000
As long as you're their guy,
you're bulletproof.
301
00:16:03,041 --> 00:16:06,000
We'll fake Brett's death
and once the election is over, come clean.
302
00:16:06,083 --> 00:16:11,041
Oh, right. Because faking your own death
worked out so well last time, Reagan.
303
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:12,333
Redundant much?
304
00:16:12,416 --> 00:16:15,208
We can't afford originality
right now, Alpha-Beta.
305
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:19,666
-We need to kill Brett to save Brett.
-I know exactly how I want to die.
306
00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:21,708
Just like my grandfather.
307
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:32,916
Damn it. Brett's dead?
308
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,250
Well. This is why I collect blood samples.
Fire up some Brett clones, DupliKate.
309
00:16:38,583 --> 00:16:40,000
[machine beeps]
310
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:43,625
I can't believe it.
His DNA is too average to replicate.
311
00:16:43,708 --> 00:16:44,708
Horrifying.
312
00:16:44,791 --> 00:16:47,958
Hm. Something's fishy.
And for once, it's not Glenn.
313
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,916
I could run for senator. [gasps]
314
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,916
Why don't you run
for a less dry sandwich, shithead?
315
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,291
Thank you, sir. I love it, sir.
316
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:09,958
No! No, no! Brett!
317
00:17:12,791 --> 00:17:16,500
Ever wondered why your Medicare
covers your nether regions,
318
00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:20,916
but not the undercarriage
of the one you love the most?
319
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,666
Swing Low, Sweet Chariots.
320
00:17:27,916 --> 00:17:28,916
[sustained beep]
321
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,250
You're done, Danica.
322
00:17:30,333 --> 00:17:34,291
Cable news only pushes conspiracies
that help our corporate sponsors.
323
00:17:34,375 --> 00:17:35,875
I know Brett's here somewhere.
324
00:17:35,958 --> 00:17:38,291
I can still smell his Axe Body Spray!
325
00:17:38,375 --> 00:17:40,833
Let go of me! Brett! No!
326
00:17:40,916 --> 00:17:44,916
[Myc] Is Brett really gone?
Am I the hottest guy in the office again?
327
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,250
I don't buy it. People fake their deaths
like office birthdays around here.
328
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,208
I think we got a Russian nesting doll
of deeper states going on.
329
00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:53,500
And Gigi is gonna sniff it out.
330
00:17:56,416 --> 00:17:58,833
To honor the light
he brought into our lives,
331
00:17:58,916 --> 00:18:00,333
the extended Hand family,
332
00:18:00,416 --> 00:18:03,500
myself, Taff, Matt,
and our various unnamed cousins…
333
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,666
I want to say Brad. Maybe a Brad in there.
334
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:07,583
Yes.
335
00:18:07,666 --> 00:18:11,750
…will hold a private memorial
slash candlelight touch football game
336
00:18:11,833 --> 00:18:13,791
on our family compound.
337
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:16,250
"Beloved," "honor," "respect."
338
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,250
This is all I've ever wanted!
339
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:21,125
Do you think they'll mix my ashes
with their favorite horses'?
340
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:24,708
Sure, if that's what a normal
insane rich family would do.
341
00:18:24,791 --> 00:18:27,208
This death is the best day of my life!
342
00:18:27,708 --> 00:18:29,291
[reporters shout]
343
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:31,791
Yes, you, the guy who looks like
he owns a snake.
344
00:18:34,708 --> 00:18:38,416
I read on my own website
that the Hand family assassinated Brett
345
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,250
to keep him from beating you.
346
00:18:40,333 --> 00:18:43,416
That's less of a question
and more of an accusation!
347
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,583
Go to hell in a handbasket, traitors!
348
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:46,583
[yelling]
349
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,250
Uh, okay, no more questions.
350
00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:53,000
Look at that outpouring of love
from both sides.
351
00:18:53,083 --> 00:18:54,541
Oh, they love you, all right.
352
00:18:57,250 --> 00:18:58,250
Those idiots.
353
00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:00,125
The Hands didn't kill Brett.
354
00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:02,791
Why are conspiracy theorists always wrong?
355
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:06,750
Whoever's behind this probably killed
Harold the head of the flat-Earthers,
356
00:19:06,833 --> 00:19:08,291
and Jeff Bezos.
357
00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:10,875
Okay. Yeah. That was us.
Broken clocks, right?
358
00:19:10,958 --> 00:19:12,333
I wouldn't worry about your family.
359
00:19:12,416 --> 00:19:16,083
Which is why tonight the Hand family
will get what's coming to 'em.
360
00:19:16,166 --> 00:19:19,750
We are now taking GoFundMe donations
for a guillotine.
361
00:19:19,833 --> 00:19:21,125
[dramatic music crescendos]
362
00:19:24,208 --> 00:19:25,541
[grunting]
363
00:19:25,625 --> 00:19:27,250
Why we gotta all wear black?
364
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,583
It makes it hard to know
which one of us I am.
365
00:19:29,666 --> 00:19:31,541
'Cause somebody died, moron.
366
00:19:31,625 --> 00:19:32,750
Hut, hut, hut!
367
00:19:33,708 --> 00:19:36,250
Hey, have some respect.
368
00:19:36,333 --> 00:19:39,166
I can't believe that guy's number two
at Goldman Sachs.
369
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,125
The Backhanders are at Home Depot
getting pitchforks.
370
00:19:44,208 --> 00:19:45,916
We have to warn your family.
371
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,583
We'll send in drones.
I just need a high vantage point.
372
00:19:48,666 --> 00:19:52,041
Like that?
Little Brett's pimptastic tree fort.
373
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,041
It was featured on MTV's Cribs Junior,
374
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:57,125
which was sadly cancelled
after the 2008 junior housing crisis.
375
00:19:57,208 --> 00:20:00,041
They built you a tree house
outside the property?
376
00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:01,833
It has a zip line to the main house,
377
00:20:01,916 --> 00:20:03,916
which I was told to only use
for emergencies.
378
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,583
Okay? Yeah. I… I do hear it. It's bad.
379
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:11,000
-Whoa.
-[Brett] Pimptastic, am I right?
380
00:20:11,083 --> 00:20:12,875
What is all this stuff?
381
00:20:12,958 --> 00:20:15,000
You never said you like crafting.
382
00:20:20,541 --> 00:20:23,916
but my dad told me
it would bring shame to the family name
383
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,166
so I put puppeteering on the back burner.
384
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:29,375
Well, except for on behalf
of the shadow government. [laughs]
385
00:20:29,458 --> 00:20:31,750
Back burner? Then what the hell is this?
386
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,500
Oh, I made that one
when I was home for Christmas.
387
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:37,416
'Sup, bros? The name is Lil Brett,
388
00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:41,333
and the game is helping Brett process
his fuh-fuh-fuh feelings!
389
00:20:41,416 --> 00:20:42,541
[imitates an air horn]
390
00:20:42,625 --> 00:20:44,333
Damn. If I'd known about all this,
391
00:20:44,416 --> 00:20:47,041
we could have destroyed your candidacy
in minutes.
392
00:20:47,125 --> 00:20:49,291
Hey, we all have our coping mechanisms.
393
00:20:49,375 --> 00:20:51,250
"Hand family in danger."
394
00:20:53,291 --> 00:20:55,500
[drone] Condolences, Hand family.
395
00:20:55,583 --> 00:20:57,583
Lock doors. Call police.
396
00:20:57,666 --> 00:21:00,916
Perfect. That's way less creepy
than their son being alive.
397
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,000
Uh, guys.
398
00:21:02,083 --> 00:21:04,083
[dramatic music plays]
399
00:21:06,291 --> 00:21:07,291
Huh?
400
00:21:07,375 --> 00:21:10,625
Oh God, it's the Backhanders!
How did they find this place?
401
00:21:10,708 --> 00:21:13,000
-Reddit.
-Why is it always Reddit?
402
00:21:13,083 --> 00:21:15,500
Deploy containment net on intruders!
403
00:21:15,583 --> 00:21:17,708
[dramatic music continues]
404
00:21:19,291 --> 00:21:22,416
These rich MF-ers even got robot birds.
405
00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:23,833
Kidnap the Hands!
406
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,583
Get them to admit the truth!
407
00:21:25,666 --> 00:21:26,958
Get off our property!
408
00:21:27,041 --> 00:21:28,750
Never. Brett was one of us.
409
00:21:28,833 --> 00:21:32,458
A regular Joe giving it to the elites
in the lame-stream media.
410
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,000
Hut, hut, hut.
411
00:21:34,958 --> 00:21:36,125
[grunting]
412
00:21:38,375 --> 00:21:40,625
Jesus, Brett,
they're gonna tear each other apart.
413
00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:42,458
You need to go and put an end to this.
414
00:21:42,541 --> 00:21:43,958
But what about Jagg's election?
415
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:47,291
Who cares? If you don't do something,
they'll kill Jagg.
416
00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:50,291
Um, uh… Alpha-Beta.
You always know what to say.
417
00:21:50,375 --> 00:21:52,750
There are too many.
They're all angry at different things.
418
00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:55,041
Look at their shirts. "Criminalize laws."
419
00:21:55,125 --> 00:21:58,916
"Save the whales, but kill all the bees."
"My other Volkswagen is an assault rifle."
420
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,375
What the fuck does that even mean?
Libertarians make no sense.
421
00:22:01,458 --> 00:22:03,458
You need to stop being the yes man.
422
00:22:03,541 --> 00:22:05,708
Go down there and tell them all no.
423
00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:07,500
I… I can't.
424
00:22:08,916 --> 00:22:11,125
But I might know someone who can.
425
00:22:11,208 --> 00:22:13,625
-God. Please don't.
-You'll only get them murdered quicker.
426
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:15,833
[exhales]
427
00:22:15,916 --> 00:22:17,625
[dramatic music plays]
428
00:22:17,708 --> 00:22:19,125
[Brett yells]
429
00:22:19,208 --> 00:22:20,458
[everyone gasps]
430
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:22,750
Praise Brett! We did it!
431
00:22:22,833 --> 00:22:24,916
This proves the conspiracy is real.
432
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,875
Maybe all conspiracies are real.
433
00:22:26,958 --> 00:22:27,875
Oh, that's not good.
434
00:22:27,958 --> 00:22:31,625
Brett. Thank God you're alive
to help your brother.
435
00:22:31,708 --> 00:22:34,708
Tell your foam-handed cyber hicks
to stand down and vote for Jagg.
436
00:22:34,791 --> 00:22:36,375
Yes, Dad. You're absolutely right.
437
00:22:36,458 --> 00:22:39,875
You have a duty to the Back Hand nation
to resume your campaign!
438
00:22:39,958 --> 00:22:41,916
I couldn't agree more.
439
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,125
-What is he trying to say?
-Pick a lane.
440
00:22:44,208 --> 00:22:46,791
This is why I didn't want you
on my campaign.
441
00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:48,875
You are totally spineless!
442
00:22:50,041 --> 00:22:52,250
[growls]
443
00:22:52,333 --> 00:22:54,958
So am I!
444
00:22:55,041 --> 00:22:56,291
[everyone gasps]
445
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:58,416
S'up bitches, Lil Brett here.
446
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:01,333
I'mma tell you
how my boy Brett really feels.
447
00:23:01,416 --> 00:23:04,500
You people just wanted your own ideas
shouted back at you,
448
00:23:04,583 --> 00:23:06,208
and they're all terrible!
449
00:23:06,291 --> 00:23:08,333
Call your moms and delete Facebook.
450
00:23:08,416 --> 00:23:11,708
And you only started caring about Brett
when you thought he was useful.
451
00:23:11,791 --> 00:23:14,791
Well, Lil Brett says get stuffed.
452
00:23:14,875 --> 00:23:17,291
Brett is done trying to please everybody,
453
00:23:17,375 --> 00:23:21,333
which means I've taught you
everything I could, Brett.
454
00:23:21,416 --> 00:23:22,666
-It's time.
-What?
455
00:23:22,791 --> 00:23:24,250
-[Lil Brett moans]
-Oh, no! Lil Brett.
456
00:23:24,333 --> 00:23:25,541
Don't go towards the light.
457
00:23:25,625 --> 00:23:28,125
[gasps and splutters]
458
00:23:28,208 --> 00:23:31,791
No! No! Lil Brett, don't leave me.
I'm not strong enough without you.
459
00:23:31,875 --> 00:23:33,666
Don't you dare leave me.
460
00:23:33,750 --> 00:23:38,416
So he learned self-esteem
from his own puppet and now it's dead?
461
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:41,291
The puppet has become the puppet master.
462
00:23:41,375 --> 00:23:42,958
I guess. I… I… I can't follow.
463
00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:45,916
I'm done letting others talk for me.
464
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,208
I'm done with you and done with Jagg.
465
00:23:48,291 --> 00:23:50,458
I'm gonna do what Brett wants.
466
00:23:50,541 --> 00:23:54,791
To go home and buy the domain name
for HandPuppetsbyBrett.com.
467
00:23:54,875 --> 00:23:57,041
Brett cares about puppets?
468
00:23:57,125 --> 00:24:00,583
That is, uh, the one dot I cannot connect.
469
00:24:00,666 --> 00:24:01,708
Yeah, that's creepy.
470
00:24:01,791 --> 00:24:02,750
He's an adult man.
471
00:24:02,833 --> 00:24:06,500
I'm too confused to be angry.
And that makes me angry!
472
00:24:08,375 --> 00:24:14,541
Brett, I am happy to run unopposed.
You heard him, right? No take-backs.
473
00:24:14,625 --> 00:24:17,416
It appears everything
has somehow been resolved.
474
00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:20,125
I cannot think
of any dangling threads we've missed.
475
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:24,000
And we managed to get through a mission
without killer robots, or monsters,
476
00:24:24,083 --> 00:24:26,916
or some last-minute bananas twist.
477
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,916
Live from Hand Manor,
Danica is here to save you, Brett!
478
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,125
Ah, there it is.
479
00:24:33,083 --> 00:24:34,458
[gasps]
480
00:24:34,541 --> 00:24:37,125
No!
481
00:24:37,625 --> 00:24:39,250
-[everyone gasps]
-Oh, no!
482
00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:41,750
How could I
accidentally shoot a loved one?
483
00:24:41,833 --> 00:24:45,875
When you own a gun, there's only
a 72% chance of that happening!
484
00:24:45,958 --> 00:24:48,708
Hut, hut, hut. Touchdown!
485
00:24:49,541 --> 00:24:53,375
Brett. You've sullied the family name
with your antics,
486
00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:55,750
but you've also saved your brother's life.
487
00:24:55,833 --> 00:24:58,416
So I'm demoting Jagg to son number three
for being weak.
488
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,250
-What?
-[Brett gasps]
489
00:25:00,333 --> 00:25:02,625
Am I… Am I son number one?
490
00:25:02,708 --> 00:25:05,041
I'm keeping that position open for now.
491
00:25:05,583 --> 00:25:06,791
Attaboy, Brett.
492
00:25:06,875 --> 00:25:08,833
[gentle music plays]
493
00:25:10,541 --> 00:25:11,791
Don't worry about Rand.
494
00:25:11,875 --> 00:25:14,000
I'll take the flak
for the deeper state debacle.
495
00:25:14,083 --> 00:25:17,083
-It's okay. We can handle it.
-[Reagan chuckles]
496
00:25:17,583 --> 00:25:22,250
It's a miracle. Tamiko has responded yes
to my summons for a date.
497
00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,625
[chuckles] Brett,
you're alive again. That's nice.
498
00:25:24,708 --> 00:25:27,166
Wait. How did you
get your stupid legislation passed
499
00:25:27,250 --> 00:25:28,541
without Brett in the Senate?
500
00:25:28,625 --> 00:25:29,833
[laughs]
501
00:25:29,916 --> 00:25:32,916
You think Brett was the only politician
I was betting on?
502
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,166
Once I got wind you three dipshits
were deeper stating us,
503
00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:41,458
we formed an even deeper deeper state
and backed another candidate,
504
00:25:41,541 --> 00:25:45,041
the focus group-approved man
the camera can't help but love.
505
00:25:47,458 --> 00:25:50,250
Wheelchair Brett from Jagg's commercial?
506
00:25:50,333 --> 00:25:54,041
-Huh. I guess he really did test better.
-Then this was all for nothing?
507
00:25:54,125 --> 00:25:56,000
I want a raise, motherfucker!
508
00:25:56,083 --> 00:25:58,000
Shh! Don't rock the boat, Lil Brett.
509
00:25:58,083 --> 00:26:00,083
Oh, you want to double-cross me?
510
00:26:00,166 --> 00:26:02,875
I have seen shit, Brett.
I'm not the most shameful thing
511
00:26:02,958 --> 00:26:04,958
you learned to do with your hands
in that tree house.
512
00:26:05,041 --> 00:26:06,750
-Oh God.
-This is a workplace.
513
00:26:06,833 --> 00:26:09,000
Reagan! He's too empowered.
Cut off my hand.
514
00:26:09,083 --> 00:26:11,041
I'd like to see you bitches try.
515
00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:13,708
This is Lil Brett's world.
You're all just living in it.
516
00:26:13,791 --> 00:26:15,625
-[Reagan] Okay.
-[Lil Brett] Back off, Ponytail.
517
00:26:15,708 --> 00:26:17,750
I'll eat you like a piranha
from the ankles up.
518
00:26:17,833 --> 00:26:19,666
-[Gigi] Nuh-uh.
[Rand] Good God!
519
00:26:19,750 --> 00:26:22,291
-[yelling]
-[Lil Brett] Bow down, bitches.
520
00:26:22,375 --> 00:26:24,708
-[screaming]
-[Rand] Whoa! Take it easy, little guy!
521
00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:26,041
-[Brett] Help!
-[Rand] Die, you…
522
00:26:26,125 --> 00:26:27,458
[Rand groans]
523
00:26:27,541 --> 00:26:28,541
[Rand] Fuck!
524
00:26:28,625 --> 00:26:29,458
[shrieking]
525
00:26:39,375 --> 00:26:43,041
Subtitle translation by: