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A NETFLIX SERIES
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Gather round, Hand family.
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You've been summoned to Hand Manor
for our most cherished tradition,
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the annual ranking of the Hand children.
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Hear, hear!
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You have one minute to defend your value.
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Well, I just made partner at the firm,
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totally crushed
this greedy class action suit.
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It's every American's right
to own a wig factory that poisons a river.
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Taff?
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I've decided to end my seven-figure
modeling contract to pursue my hobby.
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Pediatric brain surgery.
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Our size zero
is turning into a hero. Brett?
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I have a new job too.
It-It's super important.
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I just can't talk about it
or the nanobots will explode my brain.
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Ah, yes, your "classified" job.
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I blame myself.
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For not adequately blaming
the staff we hired to raise you.
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You've always been an embarrassment.
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Luckily we have Jagg here
to carry the family name.
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My campaign for senator
airs its first commercial
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on Patriot News this week.
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Called it.
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This campaign could not exist
without all of your help.
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-Of course!
-We love you, bro.
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Wait, you're all working
on Jagg's campaign?
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Why didn't anybody ask me to help?
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With what?
Slowly draining your "trust fund"?
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Shrewsbury, up top!
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Savage burn, sir.
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Uh, no offense, Brett, but you've always
been kind of a spineless yes man.
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Oh, come on. I'm not spineless.
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The doctor said
my spine is just huggably soft.
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Well, Muffy just had puppies.
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So that puts her in a tie for fourth.
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Shall we vote?
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All in favor of Muffy in fourth?
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Aye!
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Aye.
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Break out the will.
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-That dog is getting a house in Cape Cod.
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Tonight, sexting.
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Are dirty messages distracting your teen
from studying their assault rifle?
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Right again, Danica.
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But first, are you sick of liberals
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telling you you can't eat
an entire drum of fructose corn syrup?
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even massive lethal amounts of fructose.
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Consume.
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-Consume, consume, consume, consume.
-Consume, consume, consume, consume.
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-Consume, consume, consume.
-Consume, consume, consume.
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Now you, conflicting viewpoint, you're up.
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Whatever Patriot News just said was wrong.
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Here are some synonyms to wrong.
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Scurrilous,
malfease-escent, incorrectitude.
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What matters most is
that we all come together and eat quinoa.
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Consume, consume.
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Oh, I love cable news.
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It's like watching the apocalypse
in slow motion.
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Imagine if outraged viewers on both sides
knew the truth about the Gigi-run media.
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Uh, our conspiracies
aren't gonna cover up themselves.
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That's why my department
creates meaningless controversies
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to distract the country from the truth.
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Like that you and your new boy toy
almost leveled Rome on a sexcapade.
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When we come back, get flirtier.
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I want to see sparks.
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Ugh. He's doing the thing again!
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I thought you said robotic male co-hosts
would be cheaper.
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When you factor in the sexual harassment
suits from human anchormen,
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we still save money.
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When I decided to run for Senate,
it wasn't for the elites in Washington.
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I did it for what matters.
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Family. Whether it's your family,
or mine right here.
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Ah, we're sure proud of you, bro.
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Thanks, Brett.
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Uh, awesome.
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What? Your family recast you
in an ad about the importance of family?
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Well, Jagg said
Wheelchair Brett tested better.
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I know that you got here
by being a yes man.
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Why do people keep saying that?
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But that commercial should piss you off!
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Absolutely agree. Hundred percent.
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-Do something!
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What does pro-death even mean?
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Today's sponsor is Tubbo's Pizza.
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Stuff your crust, stuff your casket.
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Where am I supposed to find
another camera-ready white man
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who can talk for hours
without actually saying anything?
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Really? Everything bagels?
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Get real. I can name at least
a thousand things not on this bagel.
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Legos, fingers, time itself…
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My God!
Non-threatening, all-American.
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The Comic Sans of people. Brett!
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Me, a news anchor?
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But my parents watch Patriot News 24/7.
What if I say the wrong thing?
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Everyone's dream is to be on TV.
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Actually, my dream was to--
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I'm already bored.
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Perhaps I can offer my assistance.
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By compiling thousands of hours
of news footage,
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I can generate a script
that's boomer catnip,
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and I am hungry
to get back into the political arena.
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Well, I guess your scripts
couldn't be worse than Glenn's.
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I write what's in my heart, which is fear,
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and according to the doctors,
a new type of cholesterol.
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Intern, Tubbo's pizza me.
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Brett, Reagan, 60 seconds!
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Hurry! We're on in five, four…
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Don't shank this, pretty boy.
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Vegetarianism's a slippery slope
to cows taking over
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and eating America's beloved golf courses.
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I like my meat
the way I like my toxic waste.
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Ignored by safety inspectors.
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And if we really believe in freedom,
shouldn't guns be allowed to vote?
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Wow, you've finally done it.
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Artificial unintelligence.
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Would anyone even fall for this crap?
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Guns should vote!
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Finally, someone brave enough to say it.
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That's our show.
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That's commercial.
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Was that okay?
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Look at these views!
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You're like Captain America fucked
Steve McQueen fucked Lightning McQueen!
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Kachow!
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How would you like to permanently co-host?
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We've got something here, Brett,
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and your chest is somehow
harder than the robot's.
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Well, if it'll make you guys happy
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and it'll impress my parents,
I guess I'm in.
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Finally. I have my own puppet.
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Phase one, a signature look
that also serves as merchandise.
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And if I want to shoot endangered animals
out of catapults on my own gold farm,
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it's my right!
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I like this nice, young man.
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Heckin' right.
Someone who respects freedom.
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And soon, hopefully,
a gun's right to marry another gun.
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You'll be wed soon, my pretties.
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Phase two. Appeal to their emotions.
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Fear, fear, fear.
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-Fear, fear, fear.
-Fear, fear, fear.
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Finally, a beacon of hope.
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From now on, I'm gonna let
my screaming do the talking.
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And for the coup de grâce,
an inane catchphrase. Something like…
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Bretts get ready to rumble!
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America, you have a Brett-shaped hole
in your heart
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and I am here to fill your Brett hole.
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It might just be my pills talking,
but I think that's our son.
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Brett on Patriot News?
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Shrewsbury, unblock his phone number
and get him on the line.
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Everybody, hide! Rupert's on the warpath.
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He's killing people with his bare hands.
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For once, this is
not inflammatory hyperbole!
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Thank God for these doors
that lock from the inside.
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I smell opportunity.
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And fucking Sumatran blend?
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No. No, no, no.
I-I swear I ordered Kenyan!
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Ha! I'm fucking with you, intern.
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Go clean my car. I think someone threw up
in the driver's seat this morning.
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Whoa!
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Mom and Dad watch every night.
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For realio?
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It's not easy to say this, but we're…
We're… Shrewsbury!
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They are proud of you, sir.
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This changes everything.
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You've just been promoted
to number two son.
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Wheelchair Brett, you're fired.
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00:09:33,333 --> 00:09:34,833
Matt, you're number three now.
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Your new friends are Luke Hemsworth
and Tom Franco.
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No. No. No!
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00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:46,083
And then Jagg asked me to open for him
at campaign rallies.
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For the first time in my life,
I'm finally part of the family.
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Brett, get ready to go to war
with your family.
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You're running for senator.
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Huh. I always thought
that was a supply closet.
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00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:06,791
It's those crazy Backhanders
you've been whipping up on Patriot News.
176
00:10:10,666 --> 00:10:14,166
But we already own the president
and 49% of Congress.
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00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:18,791
Exactly. If you win,
Cognito will fully rule America.
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But, sir, my family
just started respecting me and--
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Can it! I pay you to talk, not to talk.
Gigi, you're on media.
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I'm gonna soundbite the nation's dick off.
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Myc, you're the cutthroat
campaign manager.
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00:10:31,666 --> 00:10:34,333
Is that literal? How much power
are we talking about here?
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00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:37,708
Glenn, you're the injured veteran
who we trot out as a prop for sympathy.
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I don't want your pity.
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00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:41,041
Andre, you're probably a millennial.
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00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:43,750
Go to college campuses
and drum up the youth vote.
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You know millennials
are, like, pushing 40 now, right?
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And I'll be the power behind the scenes
with my four-dimensional chess.
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I can take my manipulation to the next--
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You're the doorstop.
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00:10:54,083 --> 00:10:58,000
What? This is an outrage.
I should have let Bear-O destroy you all.
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00:10:59,041 --> 00:11:03,041
Okay, Dad. What's your real reason for
getting involved in this one dumb race?
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00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:09,791
The Neglectfully Excommunicated Exes
Date You Act?
194
00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:15,291
It legally requires all divorced couples
to go on a romantic date once a month.
195
00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,625
Sex optional. Don't want to overreach.
196
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:22,000
So you're gonna overthrow the government
just to make Mom tolerate a date with you?
197
00:11:22,083 --> 00:11:23,583
Democracy in action.
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00:11:27,083 --> 00:11:28,500
Brett, Brett, Brett!
199
00:11:28,583 --> 00:11:31,166
Can't we make the intern do this?
200
00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:34,375
Interns don't have
self-moistening blowholes.
201
00:11:34,458 --> 00:11:35,916
Stop talking about your holes.
202
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,041
I'm on the line
with my old sweatshop connects
203
00:11:38,125 --> 00:11:41,625
trying to get these
"Keep Jobs in America" hats on the cheap.
204
00:11:41,708 --> 00:11:43,000
Xin Zhao, Nike.
205
00:11:43,083 --> 00:11:44,208
Where the hell is Brett?
206
00:11:46,166 --> 00:11:47,541
-Come on, man.
207
00:11:51,458 --> 00:11:55,208
You're right, Reagan.
Time to face the FaceTime.
208
00:11:55,291 --> 00:11:57,791
This FaceTime, it's personal.
209
00:11:57,875 --> 00:11:59,708
What the fuck are you thinking?
210
00:11:59,791 --> 00:12:02,000
Destroying your brother's
political legacy.
211
00:12:02,083 --> 00:12:03,416
What are you, a Bush?
212
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,083
I swear it wasn't my idea!
213
00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:06,958
Drop out or we'll disown you.
214
00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:08,333
Fix this, Brett.
215
00:12:08,416 --> 00:12:11,458
Or you'll be as dead to us
as the fourth Hand brother, Chad.
216
00:12:11,541 --> 00:12:13,458
-Wait, who?
-I've said too much.
217
00:12:13,541 --> 00:12:18,208
If I win, my dad hates me.
But if I quit the race, your dad hates me.
218
00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:20,083
There's so many dads!
219
00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:24,291
You know what? Fuck our parents.
220
00:12:24,375 --> 00:12:26,625
What if we secretly sabotage
your campaign?
221
00:12:26,708 --> 00:12:28,041
The Deep State wants you to win,
222
00:12:28,125 --> 00:12:30,333
but we can form
an even deeper state to lose.
223
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,708
You'd do that for me?
224
00:12:31,791 --> 00:12:35,500
Of course. Get ready to join
the deepest state there is. Friendship.
225
00:12:37,416 --> 00:12:39,166
Brett Hand for Senate!
226
00:12:40,416 --> 00:12:42,583
You want me to help you lose the election?
227
00:12:42,666 --> 00:12:45,750
But I've worked so hard
to create the perfect candidate.
228
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:48,041
Look, if I could destroy
my political puppet,
229
00:12:48,125 --> 00:12:49,416
you can take down yours.
230
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:52,583
Come on, Alpha-Beta, destroy me.
I'm just begging for it.
231
00:12:52,666 --> 00:12:55,041
It's somehow less fun when you want it,
232
00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:59,000
but I do have an encyclopedic recall
of every career-ending political scandal.
233
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:01,416
Okay, Brett, let's ruin your life.
234
00:13:01,500 --> 00:13:03,583
Oh, thank God. Where do we start?
235
00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:08,458
Can't go wrong with the classics.
236
00:13:13,875 --> 00:13:15,875
What are you into, bad boy?
237
00:13:15,958 --> 00:13:17,250
Whatever you're into.
238
00:13:17,333 --> 00:13:21,208
Well, I'd be into getting more respect
from society at large.
239
00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:23,791
You know, I'm…
I'm sorry. I'm talking about myself.
240
00:13:23,875 --> 00:13:26,791
No, no, no, no, no. I'm here to listen.
241
00:13:32,416 --> 00:13:35,375
I couldn't help it.
The solution just seemed so obvious.
242
00:13:40,291 --> 00:13:43,291
Can you grab a photo of me
snorting this maple-flavored cocaine?
243
00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:47,500
Hey, helping out is what
being a drug lord's all about, eh?
244
00:13:47,583 --> 00:13:49,333
Okay, here goes.
245
00:13:49,416 --> 00:13:53,333
I've only sniffed Crayola markers before,
but this can't be that different, right?
246
00:13:59,291 --> 00:14:00,416
Wow, you did it!
247
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:04,375
You took out Infamous Canadian drug lord
Tony "Maple Leaf" O'Malley!
248
00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:05,708
I did what now?
249
00:14:06,375 --> 00:14:09,875
Wow! A key to the city of Toronto.
Wow, man, that's like oh shit.
250
00:14:09,958 --> 00:14:11,708
This feels like a boss key, like in Zelda.
251
00:14:11,791 --> 00:14:15,000
What are you, Ganon? Who's thirsty?
I could go for some water.
252
00:14:15,083 --> 00:14:16,416
Let's talk about water.
253
00:14:19,333 --> 00:14:21,666
to put out the fires in California?
254
00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:25,125
They were really nice about it,
and I just felt too bad to correct them.
255
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,708
Well, when I'm senator, I'm slashing
health benefits for veterans like this.
256
00:14:40,708 --> 00:14:45,208
To be clear, I, Brett Hand,
think veterans are dumb babies.
257
00:14:45,791 --> 00:14:47,291
What the hell, Brett?
258
00:14:47,375 --> 00:14:50,791
I moistened 10,000 expired stamps for you.
259
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,375
So many stamps.
260
00:14:54,083 --> 00:14:57,208
Glenn! Don't worry.
I learned Dolphin CPR at SeaWorld.
261
00:14:57,791 --> 00:15:01,041
Huh. Always figured if Glenn died
from a Seinfeld plot line,
262
00:15:01,125 --> 00:15:03,083
it would've been the no jacking off one.
263
00:15:07,791 --> 00:15:09,458
He can walk again!
264
00:15:09,541 --> 00:15:13,125
This man supports the Marines
and aquamarines.
265
00:15:13,208 --> 00:15:16,083
We love you, Brett!
You can do no wrong!
266
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:18,000
Un-fucking-believable.
267
00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:25,291
You somehow even landed the youth vote.
How the hell did that happen?
268
00:15:30,750 --> 00:15:34,875
Offshore accounts, bailouts.
You can get away with anything!
269
00:15:34,958 --> 00:15:37,166
If you really want
to get back at your parents,
270
00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:40,291
vote with them
against all their interests.
271
00:15:41,416 --> 00:15:43,833
Nothing matters but the self!
272
00:15:43,916 --> 00:15:48,583
My family is gonna disown me
for destroying Jagg's chances.
273
00:15:48,666 --> 00:15:51,750
I need a bigger scandal.
Why don't scandals work anymore?
274
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:54,041
You've entered the modern
"infallible zone."
275
00:15:54,125 --> 00:15:55,583
People don't give a shit anymore.
276
00:15:55,666 --> 00:15:58,000
As long as you're their guy,
you're bulletproof.
277
00:16:03,041 --> 00:16:06,000
We'll fake Brett's death
and once the election is over, come clean.
278
00:16:06,083 --> 00:16:11,041
Oh, right. Because faking your own death
worked out so well last time, Reagan.
279
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:12,333
Redundant much?
280
00:16:12,416 --> 00:16:15,208
We can't afford originality
right now, Alpha-Beta.
281
00:16:15,291 --> 00:16:19,666
-We need to kill Brett to save Brett.
-I know exactly how I want to die.
282
00:16:19,750 --> 00:16:21,708
Just like my grandfather.
283
00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:32,916
Damn it. Brett's dead?
284
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,250
Well. This is why I collect blood samples.
Fire up some Brett clones, DupliKate.
285
00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:43,625
I can't believe it.
His DNA is too average to replicate.
286
00:16:43,708 --> 00:16:44,708
Horrifying.
287
00:16:44,791 --> 00:16:47,958
Hm. Something's fishy.
And for once, it's not Glenn.
288
00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,916
I could run for senator.
289
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,916
Why don't you run
for a less dry sandwich, shithead?
290
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,291
Thank you, sir. I love it, sir.
291
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:09,958
No! No, no! Brett!
292
00:17:12,791 --> 00:17:16,500
Ever wondered why your Medicare
covers your nether regions,
293
00:17:16,583 --> 00:17:20,916
but not the undercarriage
of the one you love the most?
294
00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:26,666
Swing Low, Sweet Chariots.
295
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:30,250
You're done, Danica.
296
00:17:30,333 --> 00:17:34,291
Cable news only pushes conspiracies
that help our corporate sponsors.
297
00:17:34,375 --> 00:17:35,875
I know Brett's here somewhere.
298
00:17:35,958 --> 00:17:38,291
I can still smell his Axe Body Spray!
299
00:17:38,375 --> 00:17:40,833
Let go of me! Brett! No!
300
00:17:40,916 --> 00:17:44,916
Is Brett really gone?
Am I the hottest guy in the office again?
301
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:48,250
I don't buy it. People fake their deaths
like office birthdays around here.
302
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,208
I think we got a Russian nesting doll
of deeper states going on.
303
00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:53,500
And Gigi is gonna sniff it out.
304
00:17:56,416 --> 00:17:58,833
To honor the light
he brought into our lives,
305
00:17:58,916 --> 00:18:00,333
the extended Hand family,
306
00:18:00,416 --> 00:18:03,500
myself, Taff, Matt,
and our various unnamed cousins…
307
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,666
I want to say Brad. Maybe a Brad in there.
308
00:18:06,750 --> 00:18:07,583
Yes.
309
00:18:07,666 --> 00:18:11,750
…will hold a private memorial
slash candlelight touch football game
310
00:18:11,833 --> 00:18:13,791
on our family compound.
311
00:18:13,875 --> 00:18:16,250
"Beloved," "honor," "respect."
312
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:18,250
This is all I've ever wanted!
313
00:18:18,333 --> 00:18:21,125
Do you think they'll mix my ashes
with their favorite horses'?
314
00:18:21,208 --> 00:18:24,708
Sure, if that's what a normal
insane rich family would do.
315
00:18:24,791 --> 00:18:27,208
This death is the best day of my life!
316
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:31,791
Yes, you, the guy who looks like
he owns a snake.
317
00:18:34,708 --> 00:18:38,416
I read on my own website
that the Hand family assassinated Brett
318
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,250
to keep him from beating you.
319
00:18:40,333 --> 00:18:43,416
That's less of a question
and more of an accusation!
320
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,583
Go to hell in a handbasket, traitors!
321
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:49,250
Uh, okay, no more questions.
322
00:18:49,750 --> 00:18:53,000
Look at that outpouring of love
from both sides.
323
00:18:53,083 --> 00:18:54,541
Oh, they love you, all right.
324
00:18:57,250 --> 00:18:58,250
Those idiots.
325
00:18:58,333 --> 00:19:00,125
The Hands didn't kill Brett.
326
00:19:00,208 --> 00:19:02,791
Why are conspiracy theorists always wrong?
327
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:06,750
Whoever's behind this probably killed
Harold the head of the flat-Earthers,
328
00:19:06,833 --> 00:19:08,291
and Jeff Bezos.
329
00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:10,875
Okay. Yeah. That was us.
Broken clocks, right?
330
00:19:10,958 --> 00:19:12,333
I wouldn't worry about your family.
331
00:19:12,416 --> 00:19:16,083
Which is why tonight the Hand family
will get what's coming to 'em.
332
00:19:16,166 --> 00:19:19,750
We are now taking GoFundMe donations
for a guillotine.
333
00:19:25,625 --> 00:19:27,250
Why we gotta all wear black?
334
00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:29,583
It makes it hard to know
which one of us I am.
335
00:19:29,666 --> 00:19:31,541
'Cause somebody died, moron.
336
00:19:31,625 --> 00:19:32,750
Hut, hut, hut!
337
00:19:33,708 --> 00:19:36,250
Hey, have some respect.
338
00:19:36,333 --> 00:19:39,166
I can't believe that guy's number two
at Goldman Sachs.
339
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:44,125
The Backhanders are at Home Depot
getting pitchforks.
340
00:19:44,208 --> 00:19:45,916
We have to warn your family.
341
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:48,583
We'll send in drones.
I just need a high vantage point.
342
00:19:48,666 --> 00:19:52,041
Like that?
Little Brett's pimptastic tree fort.
343
00:19:52,125 --> 00:19:54,041
It was featured on MTV's Cribs Junior,
344
00:19:54,125 --> 00:19:57,125
which was sadly cancelled
after the 2008 junior housing crisis.
345
00:19:57,208 --> 00:20:00,041
They built you a tree house
outside the property?
346
00:20:00,125 --> 00:20:01,833
It has a zip line to the main house,
347
00:20:01,916 --> 00:20:03,916
which I was told to only use
for emergencies.
348
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,583
Okay? Yeah. I… I do hear it. It's bad.
349
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:11,000
-Whoa.
-Pimptastic, am I right?
350
00:20:11,083 --> 00:20:12,875
What is all this stuff?
351
00:20:12,958 --> 00:20:15,000
You never said you like crafting.
352
00:20:20,541 --> 00:20:23,916
but my dad told me
it would bring shame to the family name
353
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,166
so I put puppeteering on the back burner.
354
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:29,375
Well, except for on behalf
of the shadow government.
355
00:20:29,458 --> 00:20:31,750
Back burner? Then what the hell is this?
356
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,500
Oh, I made that one
when I was home for Christmas.
357
00:20:34,583 --> 00:20:37,416
'Sup, bros? The name is Lil Brett,
358
00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:41,333
and the game is helping Brett process
his fuh-fuh-fuh feelings!
359
00:20:42,625 --> 00:20:44,333
Damn. If I'd known about all this,
360
00:20:44,416 --> 00:20:47,041
we could have destroyed your candidacy
in minutes.
361
00:20:47,125 --> 00:20:49,291
Hey, we all have our coping mechanisms.
362
00:20:49,375 --> 00:20:51,250
"Hand family in danger."
363
00:20:53,291 --> 00:20:55,500
Condolences, Hand family.
364
00:20:55,583 --> 00:20:57,583
Lock doors. Call police.
365
00:20:57,666 --> 00:21:00,916
Perfect. That's way less creepy
than their son being alive.
366
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:02,000
Uh, guys.
367
00:21:06,291 --> 00:21:07,291
Huh?
368
00:21:07,375 --> 00:21:10,625
Oh God, it's the Backhanders!
How did they find this place?
369
00:21:10,708 --> 00:21:13,000
-Reddit.
-Why is it always Reddit?
370
00:21:13,083 --> 00:21:15,500
Deploy containment net on intruders!
371
00:21:19,291 --> 00:21:22,416
These rich MF-ers even got robot birds.
372
00:21:22,500 --> 00:21:23,833
Kidnap the Hands!
373
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:25,583
Get them to admit the truth!
374
00:21:25,666 --> 00:21:26,958
Get off our property!
375
00:21:27,041 --> 00:21:28,750
Never. Brett was one of us.
376
00:21:28,833 --> 00:21:32,458
A regular Joe giving it to the elites
in the lame-stream media.
377
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,000
Hut, hut, hut.
378
00:21:38,375 --> 00:21:40,625
Jesus, Brett,
they're gonna tear each other apart.
379
00:21:40,708 --> 00:21:42,458
You need to go and put an end to this.
380
00:21:42,541 --> 00:21:43,958
But what about Jagg's election?
381
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:47,291
Who cares? If you don't do something,
they'll kill Jagg.
382
00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:50,291
Um, uh… Alpha-Beta.
You always know what to say.
383
00:21:50,375 --> 00:21:52,750
There are too many.
They're all angry at different things.
384
00:21:52,833 --> 00:21:55,041
Look at their shirts. "Criminalize laws."
385
00:21:55,125 --> 00:21:58,916
"Save the whales, but kill all the bees."
"My other Volkswagen is an assault rifle."
386
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,375
What the fuck does that even mean?
Libertarians make no sense.
387
00:22:01,458 --> 00:22:03,458
You need to stop being the yes man.
388
00:22:03,541 --> 00:22:05,708
Go down there and tell them all no.
389
00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:07,500
I… I can't.
390
00:22:08,916 --> 00:22:11,125
But I might know someone who can.
391
00:22:11,208 --> 00:22:13,625
-God. Please don't.
-You'll only get them murdered quicker.
392
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:22,750
Praise Brett! We did it!
393
00:22:22,833 --> 00:22:24,916
This proves the conspiracy is real.
394
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:26,875
Maybe all conspiracies are real.
395
00:22:26,958 --> 00:22:27,875
Oh, that's not good.
396
00:22:27,958 --> 00:22:31,625
Brett. Thank God you're alive
to help your brother.
397
00:22:31,708 --> 00:22:34,708
Tell your foam-handed cyber hicks
to stand down and vote for Jagg.
398
00:22:34,791 --> 00:22:36,375
Yes, Dad. You're absolutely right.
399
00:22:36,458 --> 00:22:39,875
You have a duty to the Back Hand nation
to resume your campaign!
400
00:22:39,958 --> 00:22:41,916
I couldn't agree more.
401
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,125
-What is he trying to say?
-Pick a lane.
402
00:22:44,208 --> 00:22:46,791
This is why I didn't want you
on my campaign.
403
00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:48,875
You are totally spineless!
404
00:22:52,333 --> 00:22:54,958
So am I!
405
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:58,416
S'up bitches, Lil Brett here.
406
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:01,333
I'mma tell you
how my boy Brett really feels.
407
00:23:01,416 --> 00:23:04,500
You people just wanted your own ideas
shouted back at you,
408
00:23:04,583 --> 00:23:06,208
and they're all terrible!
409
00:23:06,291 --> 00:23:08,333
Call your moms and delete Facebook.
410
00:23:08,416 --> 00:23:11,708
And you only started caring about Brett
when you thought he was useful.
411
00:23:11,791 --> 00:23:14,791
Well, Lil Brett says get stuffed.
412
00:23:14,875 --> 00:23:17,291
Brett is done trying to please everybody,
413
00:23:17,375 --> 00:23:21,333
which means I've taught you
everything I could, Brett.
414
00:23:21,416 --> 00:23:22,666
-It's time.
-What?
415
00:23:22,791 --> 00:23:24,250
-Oh, no! Lil Brett.
416
00:23:24,333 --> 00:23:25,541
Don't go towards the light.
417
00:23:28,208 --> 00:23:31,791
No! No! Lil Brett, don't leave me.
I'm not strong enough without you.
418
00:23:31,875 --> 00:23:33,666
Don't you dare leave me.
419
00:23:33,750 --> 00:23:38,416
So he learned self-esteem
from his own puppet and now it's dead?
420
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:41,291
The puppet has become the puppet master.
421
00:23:41,375 --> 00:23:42,958
I guess. I… I… I can't follow.
422
00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:45,916
I'm done letting others talk for me.
423
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,208
I'm done with you and done with Jagg.
424
00:23:48,291 --> 00:23:50,458
I'm gonna do what Brett wants.
425
00:23:50,541 --> 00:23:54,791
To go home and buy the domain name
for HandPuppetsbyBrett.com.
426
00:23:54,875 --> 00:23:57,041
Brett cares about puppets?
427
00:23:57,125 --> 00:24:00,583
That is, uh, the one dot I cannot connect.
428
00:24:00,666 --> 00:24:01,708
Yeah, that's creepy.
429
00:24:01,791 --> 00:24:02,750
He's an adult man.
430
00:24:02,833 --> 00:24:06,500
I'm too confused to be angry.
And that makes me angry!
431
00:24:08,375 --> 00:24:14,541
Brett, I am happy to run unopposed.
You heard him, right? No take-backs.
432
00:24:14,625 --> 00:24:17,416
It appears everything
has somehow been resolved.
433
00:24:17,500 --> 00:24:20,125
I cannot think
of any dangling threads we've missed.
434
00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:24,000
And we managed to get through a mission
without killer robots, or monsters,
435
00:24:24,083 --> 00:24:26,916
or some last-minute bananas twist.
436
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,916
Live from Hand Manor,
Danica is here to save you, Brett!
437
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:32,125
Ah, there it is.
438
00:24:34,541 --> 00:24:37,125
No!
439
00:24:37,625 --> 00:24:39,250
-Oh, no!
440
00:24:39,333 --> 00:24:41,750
How could I
accidentally shoot a loved one?
441
00:24:41,833 --> 00:24:45,875
When you own a gun, there's only
a 72% chance of that happening!
442
00:24:45,958 --> 00:24:48,708
Hut, hut, hut. Touchdown!
443
00:24:49,541 --> 00:24:53,375
Brett. You've sullied the family name
with your antics,
444
00:24:53,458 --> 00:24:55,750
but you've also saved your brother's life.
445
00:24:55,833 --> 00:24:58,416
So I'm demoting Jagg to son number three
for being weak.
446
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,250
-What?
447
00:25:00,333 --> 00:25:02,625
Am I… Am I son number one?
448
00:25:02,708 --> 00:25:05,041
I'm keeping that position open for now.
449
00:25:05,583 --> 00:25:06,791
Attaboy, Brett.
450
00:25:10,541 --> 00:25:11,791
Don't worry about Rand.
451
00:25:11,875 --> 00:25:14,000
I'll take the flak
for the deeper state debacle.
452
00:25:14,083 --> 00:25:17,083
-It's okay. We can handle it.
453
00:25:17,583 --> 00:25:22,250
It's a miracle. Tamiko has responded yes
to my summons for a date.
454
00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,625
Brett,
you're alive again. That's nice.
455
00:25:24,708 --> 00:25:27,166
Wait. How did you
get your stupid legislation passed
456
00:25:27,250 --> 00:25:28,541
without Brett in the Senate?
457
00:25:29,916 --> 00:25:32,916
You think Brett was the only politician
I was betting on?
458
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,166
Once I got wind you three dipshits
were deeper stating us,
459
00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:41,458
we formed an even deeper deeper state
and backed another candidate,
460
00:25:41,541 --> 00:25:45,041
the focus group-approved man
the camera can't help but love.
461
00:25:47,458 --> 00:25:50,250
Wheelchair Brett from Jagg's commercial?
462
00:25:50,333 --> 00:25:54,041
-Huh. I guess he really did test better.
-Then this was all for nothing?
463
00:25:54,125 --> 00:25:56,000
I want a raise, motherfucker!
464
00:25:56,083 --> 00:25:58,000
Shh! Don't rock the boat, Lil Brett.
465
00:25:58,083 --> 00:26:00,083
Oh, you want to double-cross me?
466
00:26:00,166 --> 00:26:02,875
I have seen shit, Brett.
I'm not the most shameful thing
467
00:26:02,958 --> 00:26:04,958
you learned to do with your hands
in that tree house.
468
00:26:05,041 --> 00:26:06,750
-Oh God.
-This is a workplace.
469
00:26:06,833 --> 00:26:09,000
Reagan! He's too empowered.
Cut off my hand.
470
00:26:09,083 --> 00:26:11,041
I'd like to see you bitches try.
471
00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:13,708
This is Lil Brett's world.
You're all just living in it.
472
00:26:13,791 --> 00:26:15,625
-Okay.
-Back off, Ponytail.
473
00:26:15,708 --> 00:26:17,750
I'll eat you like a piranha
from the ankles up.
474
00:26:17,833 --> 00:26:19,666
- Nuh-uh.
Good God!
475
00:26:19,750 --> 00:26:22,291
- Bow down, bitches.
476
00:26:22,375 --> 00:26:24,708
-Whoa! Take it easy, little guy!
477
00:26:24,791 --> 00:26:26,041
-Help!
-Die, you…
478
00:26:27,541 --> 00:26:28,541
Fuck!
479
00:26:39,375 --> 00:26:43,041
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