1
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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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All clear! Time for our annual secret
revising of the Constitution.
3
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Don't forget the amendment
about moving the Capitol to Cleveland.
4
00:00:25,041 --> 00:00:26,791
There's no decent pierogies here.
5
00:00:27,875 --> 00:00:29,958
How would the Founding Fathers
feel about this?
6
00:00:30,041 --> 00:00:32,916
Probably the same way
your father feels about you.
7
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,625
-Hey!
-Who cares? Ten of them were slaveholders.
8
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And George Washington was actually
just a bunch of gerbils under a waistcoat.
9
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That's President Pile of Gerbils to you.
10
00:00:43,791 --> 00:00:44,916
Andre, what's our timeframe?
11
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,291
Twenty minutes. I used a cocktail
of NyQuil and cat Prozac.
12
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Oh, great.
Dr. Literal Dolittle has it covered.
13
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Shut up, Myc.
14
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Just ignore him. Okay, give the word
and I'll blow the hell out of this thing.
15
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Said your ex-wife to Brett's dick.
16
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I'll kill you!
17
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Will you can the insults, Myc?
18
00:01:01,916 --> 00:01:04,875
I need you to contort
that squishy-ass body through those lasers
19
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before you screw up this mission for us.
20
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I thought failing
was kind of more your thing.
21
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Aliens? A woman in charge of a team?
22
00:01:13,458 --> 00:01:15,083
No one will believe this!
23
00:01:15,166 --> 00:01:16,750
Myc, quick! Spurt on that guy!
24
00:01:16,833 --> 00:01:19,250
I'm not a soft serve machine.
I need to warm up.
25
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Hold on. Just give me a sec here,
all right?
26
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-Hey, nobody look at me!
-Goddamn it!
27
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Security breach.
28
00:01:26,916 --> 00:01:28,333
Now the mission is fucked!
29
00:01:28,416 --> 00:01:30,833
You useless waste of space!
30
00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:32,916
Your shit attitude blew our mission!
31
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,208
We had to disappear that security guard!
32
00:01:35,291 --> 00:01:37,416
And now I have to raise his tropical fish.
33
00:01:37,500 --> 00:01:39,250
Give me one reason
why I shouldn't fire you.
34
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:40,416
I… I…
35
00:01:41,541 --> 00:01:45,416
Oh God!
36
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Okay. I was not ready for that.
37
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:49,666
Whoa, whoa, buddy, what's wrong?
38
00:01:55,541 --> 00:01:58,041
I'm from a million-year-old
mushroom hive cluster
39
00:01:58,125 --> 00:01:59,625
who live in the center of Earth.
40
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Those stuck-up, under-crust douchebags
live in perfect harmony
41
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:07,291
and kicked me out
because I'm too much of a rebel.
42
00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:11,000
You told me you left because everybody
was jealous of your "huge dong."
43
00:02:11,083 --> 00:02:13,791
All lies! My dong is average.
44
00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:15,375
Average!
45
00:02:19,708 --> 00:02:21,875
So you're acting up
because of your reunion?
46
00:02:21,958 --> 00:02:23,166
How can I go back?
47
00:02:23,250 --> 00:02:26,666
When I left, I wanted
to prove I could be somebody,
48
00:02:26,750 --> 00:02:28,291
but I'm a single, middle-aged loser
49
00:02:28,375 --> 00:02:31,708
playing second fiddle
to a bunch of Men in Black rejects.
50
00:02:31,791 --> 00:02:33,000
Why don't you just lie?
51
00:02:33,083 --> 00:02:35,166
My hometown
thinks I created Grey's Anatomy.
52
00:02:35,250 --> 00:02:36,416
I'll still be single.
53
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:40,416
In hive culture, you are nothing
without a cluster.
54
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:42,625
Ooh, ooh, Brett idea incoming!
55
00:02:42,708 --> 00:02:46,541
We go to your reunion with you
and pose as your cluster!
56
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,333
Also, what is a cluster?
57
00:02:49,416 --> 00:02:52,375
It's some kind of
freaky mushroom mind marriage.
58
00:02:52,458 --> 00:02:55,500
It's a psychic union, where everyone
thinks the same and acts the same,
59
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like fucking Marvel fans.
60
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One sec, Myc. I don't want to do this
any more than you do,
61
00:03:00,333 --> 00:03:03,250
but with Myc in this state, we'll never
be able to complete our missions.
62
00:03:03,333 --> 00:03:06,166
Look at him! He can't
make Mind Eraser Juice like this.
63
00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:08,750
And we can stop at Cracker Barrel
on the way home.
64
00:03:08,833 --> 00:03:10,791
Now I can get down
with some Cracker Barrel.
65
00:03:10,875 --> 00:03:12,791
Okay, Myc,
we'll pretend to be your cluster
66
00:03:12,875 --> 00:03:16,541
if you promise to never insult us again.
67
00:03:17,583 --> 00:03:20,166
My insults are my art!
68
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:23,708
But I can't let those shitheads in my hive
see me like this.
69
00:03:26,708 --> 00:03:27,583
Okay, deal.
70
00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,291
Thank you, Reagan!
71
00:03:29,791 --> 00:03:31,625
Fuck! What are you excreting?
72
00:03:31,708 --> 00:03:33,375
Sorta mucus, sorta jizz.
73
00:03:33,458 --> 00:03:35,208
I call it "jucus."
74
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Group hug! Who wants to touch my jucus?
75
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Ugh!
76
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-I'm already regretting this.
-Yay!
77
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Gear up. It's a six-mile spelunk
down to Myc's hive.
78
00:04:16,833 --> 00:04:20,250
5,000 years
and I still don't have a thing to wear.
79
00:04:20,333 --> 00:04:21,541
You're normally naked.
80
00:04:25,208 --> 00:04:27,666
I need the team back here
for a priority code red.
81
00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:29,333
Someone took a shit on my desk!
82
00:04:29,958 --> 00:04:31,500
-Bleugh.
-I think we have a spy.
83
00:04:31,583 --> 00:04:33,500
Why would a spy shit on your desk?
84
00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:35,333
I don't know.
Psychological warfare?
85
00:04:35,416 --> 00:04:38,500
They're out to get me, Reagan!
Someone hates that I'm in charge.
86
00:04:38,583 --> 00:04:41,916
Everyone hates that you're in charge,
but you're still being paranoid.
87
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:42,833
Paranoid?
88
00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:45,458
Do you have any idea
how many enemies I've made?
89
00:04:45,541 --> 00:04:48,291
They're everywhere, watching.
90
00:04:49,208 --> 00:04:50,416
We're in Oregon right now.
91
00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:53,041
So unless you can teleport us there,
you're on your own.
92
00:04:53,125 --> 00:04:56,083
I would, but the teleporter
keeps blinking twelve o'clock,
93
00:04:56,166 --> 00:04:58,500
and I can't figure out
which remote fixes that.
94
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:01,458
Ah, shit! I'll show them who's paranoid.
95
00:05:01,541 --> 00:05:04,041
I'll catch the mystery shitter
and then we'll see who's right
96
00:05:04,125 --> 00:05:07,500
about getting a sniper team
to cover the sniper team. Hm.
97
00:05:08,125 --> 00:05:11,958
But then who will
snipe the sniper snipers?
98
00:05:12,625 --> 00:05:14,541
Sniper sniper snipers?
99
00:05:14,625 --> 00:05:15,458
Brilliant!
100
00:05:15,541 --> 00:05:17,125
You're fired for eavesdropping.
101
00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:21,166
We're almost to my hive school.
Remember the story.
102
00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:23,291
We are your loyal cluster.
103
00:05:23,375 --> 00:05:25,708
Cluster harem. Say harem.
104
00:05:25,791 --> 00:05:26,791
Harem.
105
00:05:26,875 --> 00:05:30,416
And you're a respected
leftist podcast host?
106
00:05:30,500 --> 00:05:34,291
That's right.
I won the Nobel Prize for podcasting.
107
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,291
Suck it, Roman Mars!
108
00:05:36,375 --> 00:05:38,583
I don't even think he's from Mars.
109
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Myc Cellium.
110
00:05:44,083 --> 00:05:45,375
Welcome, brother.
111
00:05:45,458 --> 00:05:48,500
Do me a favor.
My cluster is kinda human.
112
00:05:48,583 --> 00:05:51,541
Could we slap a psychic metaphor
over this place
113
00:05:51,625 --> 00:05:53,333
so we don't break their tiny brains?
114
00:05:53,416 --> 00:05:56,166
-What did I say about insults?
-Jesus! It's not an insult.
115
00:05:56,250 --> 00:05:58,166
There's visual information down here
116
00:05:58,250 --> 00:06:02,791
that will literally drive you insane,
you fucking… friend!
117
00:06:02,875 --> 00:06:06,750
Glamour in the form
of a human high school reunion.
118
00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:08,208
As you wish!
119
00:06:13,208 --> 00:06:15,208
Ooh, add Romy and Michele.
120
00:06:17,375 --> 00:06:20,500
Uh, Lisa Kudrow? Absolutely would.
121
00:06:20,583 --> 00:06:21,500
Thanks, Chief.
122
00:06:31,291 --> 00:06:32,791
What are you so happy about?
123
00:06:32,875 --> 00:06:34,666
We're in a fucking slime cave!
124
00:06:34,750 --> 00:06:38,333
This is the cave where all the world's
magic mushrooms originally come from!
125
00:06:38,416 --> 00:06:40,333
Well, keep that dope away from me.
126
00:06:40,416 --> 00:06:42,666
I've been mushroom-free my entire life.
127
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,791
You've never tried mushrooms?
128
00:06:44,875 --> 00:06:47,125
Hell no! I'm a law-abiding American.
129
00:06:47,208 --> 00:06:49,416
I only take caffeine, alcohol, nicotine,
130
00:06:49,500 --> 00:06:52,291
and the occasional Oxyfentanyl blend
to help me sleep.
131
00:06:52,375 --> 00:06:55,875
Glenn, I think
you have clinical repression.
132
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Say what now?
133
00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:58,375
I used to be like you.
134
00:06:58,458 --> 00:07:01,208
Look at this guy.
I didn't get laid until I was 23.
135
00:07:01,291 --> 00:07:04,750
I just prayed and watched
Star Trek: Voyager for nine hours a day.
136
00:07:04,833 --> 00:07:06,833
Mushrooms helped me break free.
137
00:07:06,916 --> 00:07:09,750
Life is so much better
when you open up to new things.
138
00:07:09,833 --> 00:07:11,541
Didn't you read Green Eggs and Ham?
139
00:07:11,625 --> 00:07:15,000
I read the cover and decided not to try it
because I didn't like it.
140
00:07:16,875 --> 00:07:18,375
At least have a drink with me.
141
00:07:18,458 --> 00:07:20,000
Hm. All right.
142
00:07:23,541 --> 00:07:26,625
How's my breath? I need to be
in peak form in case I run into…
143
00:07:26,708 --> 00:07:29,500
…Stem-mantha.
144
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:33,541
She's the one that got away.
145
00:07:34,083 --> 00:07:35,583
Into a sulfur geyser.
146
00:07:37,083 --> 00:07:39,166
Oh, Stem-mantha, look at us,
147
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,833
drawn to each other like magnets.
148
00:07:41,916 --> 00:07:45,083
Wait, were you the one who
came over and did puzzles with my parents
149
00:07:45,166 --> 00:07:46,333
so I could go have sex?
150
00:07:46,416 --> 00:07:48,125
Uh… Well, I--
151
00:07:48,208 --> 00:07:49,583
-Go long!
152
00:07:50,250 --> 00:07:51,791
Myc Cellium?
153
00:07:51,875 --> 00:07:54,291
I haven't seen him
since he ran out of graduation
154
00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,583
before we all merged our consciousnesses.
155
00:07:56,666 --> 00:07:58,833
Merged our consciousness.
156
00:07:58,916 --> 00:08:03,166
For once, you're not alone.
I assume these are your parole officers?
157
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:05,416
Nope. We're his cluster.
158
00:08:05,500 --> 00:08:07,833
We are so in sync, it's crazy.
159
00:08:07,916 --> 00:08:09,125
-Weird as hell.
-Awesome!
160
00:08:09,208 --> 00:08:10,958
She means non-stop erotic.
161
00:08:11,041 --> 00:08:14,208
-Merged with humans?
-Is that Myc Cellium?
162
00:08:14,291 --> 00:08:17,625
That's right. I, Myc,
the guy you all said has no friends,
163
00:08:17,708 --> 00:08:21,416
now has a loyal cluster
of kick-ass human wives.
164
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:25,041
Also, he's Facebook friends
with Judd Apatow.
165
00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:27,416
And he invented electricity.
166
00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:29,250
Oh, wow!
167
00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:31,375
Quick! Assemble into a human throne.
168
00:08:31,458 --> 00:08:32,666
Hey, we had a deal.
169
00:08:32,750 --> 00:08:36,416
It's all part of the act.
Love ya. Appreciate ya.
170
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:38,958
Right, my little sex monkeys?
171
00:08:41,541 --> 00:08:44,208
Wow, it might just be
the dim cave lighting,
172
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,541
but you've had a serious glow-up.
173
00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:49,125
-Ooh, wow.
174
00:08:51,458 --> 00:08:53,541
-Which one of you did it?
-Did what?
175
00:08:53,625 --> 00:08:55,583
Don't act like you don't know.
176
00:08:55,666 --> 00:08:59,291
Okay, okay! I've been stealing lamps
from the office.
177
00:08:59,375 --> 00:09:01,041
I have a problem!
178
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:04,416
No one gives a shit
about your lamp addiction, Mothman.
179
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:08,208
I want to know which one of you spies
shit on my desk!
180
00:09:10,458 --> 00:09:13,125
-What is he talking about?
-You're going full Nixon.
181
00:09:13,208 --> 00:09:14,833
Oh, you think that's funny, huh?
182
00:09:14,916 --> 00:09:16,500
-You are fired!
-What?
183
00:09:16,583 --> 00:09:18,208
You can't fire Mothman!
184
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,875
Addiction is a disease.
185
00:09:19,958 --> 00:09:23,375
It's time we had a discourse
about neurotypical ableism!
186
00:09:23,458 --> 00:09:27,000
I don't understand your old-timey lingo,
Grandpa! You're fired!
187
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:28,708
We'll take this to HR!
188
00:09:28,791 --> 00:09:30,208
You're all fired!
189
00:09:30,291 --> 00:09:32,833
Except you, DupliKate,
you've been crushing it lately.
190
00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:42,083
How?
I was facing the door the whole time!
191
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:43,416
Unless…
192
00:09:49,833 --> 00:09:53,125
The shit's coming
from inside the house?
193
00:09:53,916 --> 00:09:55,458
Myc, Myc, Myc!
194
00:09:55,541 --> 00:09:58,875
Yes! Yearbook signatures!
195
00:09:58,958 --> 00:10:01,791
Anybody else notice everything
started glowing a little bit?
196
00:10:02,291 --> 00:10:04,708
-Why can I taste my own teeth?
197
00:10:07,458 --> 00:10:09,958
let's all take a moment to reminisce
198
00:10:10,041 --> 00:10:13,750
and give a grand welcome home
to Myc Cellium.
199
00:10:14,333 --> 00:10:15,666
Me?
200
00:10:15,750 --> 00:10:18,583
Young Myc
had a hard time fitting in.
201
00:10:18,666 --> 00:10:20,791
Goku goes Super Saiyan
202
00:10:20,875 --> 00:10:25,416
in the 21st episode of the Frieza Saga
of Dragon Ball Z.
203
00:10:25,916 --> 00:10:29,291
Hey, you're being a real
fucking Frieza right now.
204
00:10:29,375 --> 00:10:32,958
His strong psychic powers
made him extra sensitive.
205
00:10:33,041 --> 00:10:34,000
I know I'm weird,
206
00:10:34,083 --> 00:10:37,750
but even when they act nice,
I can hear what they're really thinking.
207
00:10:37,833 --> 00:10:40,125
Does anybody actually like me?
208
00:10:40,208 --> 00:10:42,416
Well, I care about you, Myc.
209
00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:47,250
You think I'm a loser and you're
picturing your wife naked right now.
210
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:52,666
At graduation, Myc was the only
one who refused to merge with our hive
211
00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:57,041
but seeing you
with your subservient human cluster,
212
00:11:01,875 --> 00:11:04,625
Social validation! Fuck yeah!
213
00:11:04,708 --> 00:11:06,291
Crawl me to stage!
214
00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:12,083
Myc, Myc, Myc,
Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc!
215
00:11:14,125 --> 00:11:15,791
Oh, man. This is heavy.
216
00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:19,125
Good thing I have my human cluster here
to carry it home.
217
00:11:19,208 --> 00:11:22,333
They're used to taking all my big loads.
218
00:11:22,416 --> 00:11:25,291
-New class clown right here!
219
00:11:25,375 --> 00:11:27,708
-Hey, Loud One! Come here.
220
00:11:27,791 --> 00:11:31,083
Put this somewhere safe for me.
This one's a little clumsy.
221
00:11:31,166 --> 00:11:34,625
She's got a bit of a "glug glug" problem
if you know what I mean.
222
00:11:35,750 --> 00:11:38,083
You know what?
Hold your own goddamn award.
223
00:11:38,666 --> 00:11:42,208
-What are you doing?
-We help you and this is how you repay us?
224
00:11:42,291 --> 00:11:43,333
Not now!
225
00:11:43,416 --> 00:11:47,833
She's just testy because
it took her ten years to get her dream job
226
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:50,791
and four hours
to literally tank it with sharks.
227
00:11:50,875 --> 00:11:53,833
That's it! Myc has been
lying this whole time.
228
00:11:53,916 --> 00:11:57,083
We are not his cluster!
We're not even his friends.
229
00:11:57,166 --> 00:12:00,875
He works for us at the shadow government
where we only tolerate him
230
00:12:00,958 --> 00:12:02,875
because we need his psychic goo.
231
00:12:02,958 --> 00:12:05,916
And we have never willingly
hung out with him after work!
232
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,958
-She's kidding, folks.
233
00:12:08,041 --> 00:12:10,000
-Oh, I'm not kidding!
234
00:12:10,083 --> 00:12:14,416
Just one of our freaky sex games.
They love to please Daddy.
235
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,750
No, we don't.
236
00:12:15,833 --> 00:12:17,541
Yes, you do!
237
00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:19,791
No, we don't!
238
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:31,416
I'm sorry, Reagan.
239
00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:34,041
You were right to punch me off stage.
240
00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:37,791
Will you accept my heartfelt apology?
241
00:12:37,875 --> 00:12:40,500
W-What has gotten into you, Myc?
242
00:12:40,583 --> 00:12:44,083
Oh, I'm not Myc. I'm the hive.
243
00:12:45,166 --> 00:12:48,750
Oh my God. I just accidentally
assimilated Myc?
244
00:12:49,291 --> 00:12:50,750
We merged!
245
00:12:50,833 --> 00:12:54,333
Hive to the left!
Hive to the right!
246
00:12:54,416 --> 00:12:58,625
Eh, I feel so at ease, soldier.
247
00:12:58,708 --> 00:13:02,500
Probably because the margarita I gave you
was spiked with magic mushrooms!
248
00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:04,750
Welcome to the new you, baby!
249
00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:06,000
You drugged me?
250
00:13:06,083 --> 00:13:10,083
I would kill you
if death wasn't just a continuum of life!
251
00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:11,000
Wait, what?
252
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:14,500
Get ready to drop napalm
on your preconceived notions!
253
00:13:14,583 --> 00:13:15,750
I'm not a hippie!
254
00:13:15,833 --> 00:13:18,500
It's medically impossible
for me to flash a peace sign.
255
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:20,583
Okay. How about this?
256
00:13:20,666 --> 00:13:24,500
The Entourage movie should
be in the Criterion Collection.
257
00:13:25,083 --> 00:13:26,208
I agree.
258
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:30,000
What's going on?
Why isn't he verbally abusing me?
259
00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:32,291
When Myc got tangled up
with the other mushrooms,
260
00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:35,000
he must have psychically re-communed
with the hive mind.
261
00:13:35,083 --> 00:13:38,375
He got accepted by the hive
and we got a nicer Myc.
262
00:13:38,458 --> 00:13:39,541
I'm calling this a win-win.
263
00:13:39,625 --> 00:13:42,291
Hell yeah. I have to spend years
brainwashing people
264
00:13:42,375 --> 00:13:44,833
and you just did it in ten seconds.
265
00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:47,583
I was thinking I can make you all
a little thank-you dinner
266
00:13:47,666 --> 00:13:48,958
at my town house tonight.
267
00:13:49,041 --> 00:13:51,875
We can watch old episodes
of Sex and the City,
268
00:13:51,958 --> 00:13:53,708
like a bunch of gal pals.
269
00:13:55,083 --> 00:13:59,083
Well, normally I would say,
"What type of pepper spray do you prefer?"
270
00:13:59,166 --> 00:14:03,041
But to the new, improved Myc,
the pepper spray stays in my purse.
271
00:14:04,291 --> 00:14:06,250
All right, got my rearview mirror,
272
00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:08,875
rattling cans, so no one
can sneak up on me,
273
00:14:08,958 --> 00:14:10,791
and my lie detector.
274
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,166
Time for Operation Sane!
275
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,791
We'll see who's paranoid now.
276
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:19,416
Here, shitty shitty kitty.
277
00:14:20,625 --> 00:14:24,416
Meanwhile, uptown,
I was having sex in the city.
278
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:25,541
Oh!
279
00:14:25,625 --> 00:14:28,666
This show is so smart.
I'm such a Samantha, don't you think?
280
00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:31,375
Mainly because all my orifices
are interchangeable.
281
00:14:32,541 --> 00:14:33,500
Cheers.
282
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:37,125
Normally, I'd pour this into a plant
to see if it dies,
283
00:14:37,208 --> 00:14:39,708
but you're being weirdly tolerable
right now.
284
00:14:39,791 --> 00:14:42,000
Too bad Glenn and Andre couldn't make it.
285
00:14:42,083 --> 00:14:43,500
Wait, did they come home with us?
286
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:48,333
Who cares? More cosmos for Gigi,
and less glowsticks and fish odor.
287
00:14:48,416 --> 00:14:51,125
I'm sure
wherever they are, they're safe.
288
00:14:51,208 --> 00:14:54,291
This is a safe place.
289
00:14:54,375 --> 00:14:58,208
America isn't real. America isn't real!
290
00:14:58,291 --> 00:15:00,708
Dude, that's crazy open-minded.
291
00:15:00,791 --> 00:15:02,500
Do you want to touch feet to feet?
292
00:15:02,583 --> 00:15:07,083
What kind of crazy jagoff
would I have to be to not do that?
293
00:15:07,166 --> 00:15:09,666
Whoa!
294
00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:11,375
Oh, you were right, Andre.
295
00:15:11,458 --> 00:15:14,000
I'm one with all living creatures,
296
00:15:14,083 --> 00:15:15,291
even liberals!
297
00:15:15,375 --> 00:15:17,625
We should be writing all of this down.
298
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:20,333
Look, a whole wall just for drawing on!
299
00:15:25,166 --> 00:15:28,333
Glenn, your inner beauty is astonishing!
300
00:15:28,416 --> 00:15:32,083
I'm having a vision too.
And it's in British!
301
00:15:32,166 --> 00:15:36,250
I'm David Attenborough,
and you are tripping balls.
302
00:15:36,333 --> 00:15:40,000
The mushroom hive is a species
of psychic fungoides
303
00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:43,958
that came to Earth on an asteroid
millions of years ago.
304
00:15:44,541 --> 00:15:45,916
The mushrooms flourished,
305
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,500
but then an early ape devoured one
306
00:15:48,583 --> 00:15:53,333
and the mushroom's psychoactive properties
unlocked its higher consciousness.
307
00:15:53,416 --> 00:15:58,666
Now evolved, these stoned apes
became Earth's dominant species
308
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:01,458
and the mushroom's dominant predator.
309
00:16:01,541 --> 00:16:05,166
My God.
Everyone's college roommate was right!
310
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:07,958
The mushrooms
were forced underground, resentful,
311
00:16:08,041 --> 00:16:12,500
and dreaming of one day
rising up to overthrow humanity.
312
00:16:14,250 --> 00:16:15,708
Wait, what was that last part?
313
00:16:15,791 --> 00:16:17,833
We don't exist in peace and harmony.
314
00:16:17,916 --> 00:16:20,125
We're at war with underground mushrooms!
315
00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:22,750
I should have trusted my gut!
316
00:16:22,833 --> 00:16:25,375
Ooh, my gut. I've been infiltrated!
317
00:16:25,458 --> 00:16:26,750
We gotta warn the team!
318
00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:28,625
Quick! I need to puke this out!
319
00:16:28,708 --> 00:16:29,541
Me first!
320
00:16:32,208 --> 00:16:33,416
This is so nice.
321
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,583
I know you and I
haven't always gotten along,
322
00:16:35,666 --> 00:16:37,250
but it all worked out in the end.
323
00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:40,958
It all worked out
in the end, but I couldn't help wondering
324
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,708
what if this was all a hallucination?
325
00:16:43,791 --> 00:16:45,958
Reagan, you need to wake up.
326
00:16:46,041 --> 00:16:48,958
Wake up, Reagan!
327
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:49,916
Huh?
328
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,708
Wait a minute.
How did we get back from Oregon?
329
00:16:52,791 --> 00:16:54,750
Oh, God. What is happening?
330
00:16:54,833 --> 00:16:58,625
Fight it. Fight
like a pair of Manolos just went on sale!
331
00:16:59,208 --> 00:17:00,625
Brett, what are you doing?
332
00:17:00,708 --> 00:17:03,250
Myc has a climbing wall in his kitchen!
333
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:04,833
It's too good to be true!
334
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:08,125
Exactly. We're not in Myc's
tastefully-decorated town house.
335
00:17:08,208 --> 00:17:10,125
We're still in the mushroom hive!
336
00:17:10,875 --> 00:17:12,375
-Gigi, Brett!
337
00:17:12,458 --> 00:17:14,875
Oh, goddamn it! I knew it!
338
00:17:14,958 --> 00:17:18,000
There's no way Myc's bookshelf would have
the complete works of bell hooks.
339
00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:21,250
Do not be alarmed.
We put you in a shared fantasy
340
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:24,000
to make the sporing process more painless.
341
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:27,333
Hey, girl, another cosmo?
342
00:17:27,416 --> 00:17:29,083
Myc! How could you?
343
00:17:29,166 --> 00:17:31,416
And just when I got my adult acne
under control!
344
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:35,666
But now the team can be
in perfect harmony, just like you wanted.
345
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:38,125
Myc's attached us
to your minds.
346
00:17:38,208 --> 00:17:40,750
We will learn all humanity's weaknesses
347
00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:44,333
and then we will achieve our destiny.
348
00:17:44,416 --> 00:17:46,458
Overthrowing the Earth!
349
00:17:47,708 --> 00:17:51,333
Oh, Reagan,
don't be such a Miranda about it.
350
00:18:02,333 --> 00:18:06,375
Roach caviar, rat tartar,
boiled Gucci loafer soup?
351
00:18:06,458 --> 00:18:08,666
-No, it can't be!
352
00:18:09,750 --> 00:18:10,875
Hello, Rand.
353
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,458
-Agh!
-J.R. Scheimpough!
354
00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:14,625
Of course!
355
00:18:14,708 --> 00:18:16,541
Now who's a paranoid lunatic?
356
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:20,875
-Both of us. We both look fucking nuts.
-Wasn't gonna say anything unless you did.
357
00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:26,625
We have to get the hell outta Dodge!
358
00:18:26,708 --> 00:18:30,333
The hive is gonna take over Earth
by implanting mushrooms in our brains
359
00:18:30,416 --> 00:18:33,333
and I guess you figured that out
without drugs.
360
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:34,958
We gotta save Brett's face.
361
00:18:35,041 --> 00:18:37,583
-He's too old to develop a sense of humor.
362
00:18:37,666 --> 00:18:40,166
All I wanted was for Myc to be nice.
363
00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:43,250
Yeah, he went from being a fun asshole
364
00:18:43,333 --> 00:18:46,291
to a crazy, religious, totalitarian,
like Kanye.
365
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:49,750
I miss the old Myc.
He roasted us out of love.
366
00:18:49,833 --> 00:18:50,958
And out of hate.
367
00:18:51,041 --> 00:18:53,458
What I'd give to be roasted one last time.
368
00:18:53,541 --> 00:18:55,500
Wait, that's it. A roast!
369
00:18:55,583 --> 00:18:57,833
I think I know how to get Myc back.
370
00:18:59,250 --> 00:19:01,583
J.R., what the hell are you doing here?
371
00:19:01,666 --> 00:19:04,041
-I don't think we should tell him, Polly.
-Polly?
372
00:19:04,125 --> 00:19:06,833
Yes,
keep your secrets, J.R.
373
00:19:06,916 --> 00:19:07,958
Jesus Christ.
374
00:19:08,041 --> 00:19:09,708
After I escaped Bohemian Grove,
375
00:19:09,791 --> 00:19:13,458
I made my way to my mansion in Georgetown,
but the Robes had it torn down!
376
00:19:13,541 --> 00:19:14,375
I was erased!
377
00:19:14,458 --> 00:19:15,541
Good God!
378
00:19:15,625 --> 00:19:17,833
I knew the Robes would
have eyes everywhere,
379
00:19:17,916 --> 00:19:19,541
but if you got drunk with power,
380
00:19:19,625 --> 00:19:22,833
you'd rip out all their
surveillance devices at Cognito.
381
00:19:22,916 --> 00:19:24,291
And if they can't see you--
382
00:19:24,375 --> 00:19:25,750
They can't see you either.
383
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:27,625
Damn, and they call me paranoid!
384
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:30,166
You'd be crazy not to be paranoid
in a place like this.
385
00:19:30,250 --> 00:19:31,625
Everyone is out to get you.
386
00:19:31,708 --> 00:19:33,708
Oh, fucking thank you.
387
00:19:33,791 --> 00:19:35,125
Wait, shut the hell up.
388
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,500
I'm only here
because you've been shitting on my desk.
389
00:19:37,583 --> 00:19:39,041
I've only been shitting on your desk
390
00:19:39,125 --> 00:19:41,083
because you people
took everything from me!
391
00:19:41,166 --> 00:19:42,666
Fuck you, fuckface!
392
00:19:44,208 --> 00:19:45,791
Wait, did you hear something?
393
00:19:49,208 --> 00:19:50,333
Son of a bitch.
394
00:19:50,916 --> 00:19:53,125
A hidden surveillance device.
395
00:19:53,208 --> 00:19:55,833
Who wants some fucking dirt to eat?
396
00:19:55,916 --> 00:19:58,541
I'm still being nice. I like dirt.
397
00:19:58,625 --> 00:20:00,708
Myc, we need the old you back.
398
00:20:00,791 --> 00:20:03,250
The raging asshole that I know
is in there somewhere,
399
00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:05,083
and I know how to find him.
400
00:20:05,166 --> 00:20:07,666
Prepare to be roasted!
401
00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:09,208
I'm confused.
402
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:12,333
Not as confused as the audience
at your poetry night.
403
00:20:12,416 --> 00:20:16,541
It's strange that you can read minds,
but you've never read a single room.
404
00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:19,625
You weren't at my poetry night.
405
00:20:19,708 --> 00:20:22,958
For real though, me and Myc
had some good times.
406
00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:26,375
Like when I blocked your phone number
and went home and took my shoes off.
407
00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:31,375
You think if you insult me
it will bring out the old Myc.
408
00:20:31,458 --> 00:20:32,833
Well, it's not happening.
409
00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:34,625
I once caught Myc in the break room,
410
00:20:34,708 --> 00:20:38,208
jacking off to the photo
on a box of frozen mushroom calzones.
411
00:20:38,291 --> 00:20:39,958
Thank you. That is my time.
412
00:20:40,041 --> 00:20:41,791
I was reading the nutritional facts!
413
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:44,041
Myc, you don't have a shred
of moral character
414
00:20:44,125 --> 00:20:48,250
and I hate the way you smell,
look, and generally exist!
415
00:20:48,333 --> 00:20:49,541
When does the roast start?
416
00:20:49,625 --> 00:20:52,666
Stop it, stop it! Oh, God!
417
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:58,041
But seriously, I love having Myc around
as our wacky alien sidekick.
418
00:20:58,125 --> 00:21:00,291
You know, he's basically our group's--
419
00:21:00,375 --> 00:21:02,250
Don't say it!
420
00:21:02,333 --> 00:21:03,375
Finish him, Brett!
421
00:21:03,458 --> 00:21:06,833
…Jar Jar Binks.
422
00:21:08,791 --> 00:21:10,458
Oh yeah, Brett?
423
00:21:10,541 --> 00:21:14,541
The last time I saw a white guy
that generic, he was on a Don't Walk sign.
424
00:21:14,625 --> 00:21:16,041
And you think I'm ugly, Glenn?
425
00:21:16,125 --> 00:21:19,791
Your face looks like a neural network
combined a hundred images of testicles.
426
00:21:19,875 --> 00:21:23,166
And, Andre, here's an opinion
on your personality.
427
00:21:23,250 --> 00:21:25,166
You can't medicate boring!
428
00:21:25,250 --> 00:21:26,583
And Gigi!
429
00:21:27,083 --> 00:21:28,250
You're still hot.
430
00:21:28,333 --> 00:21:30,000
As for you, Reagan!
431
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,625
Yeah, what about me, Myc? Ruin me!
432
00:21:34,708 --> 00:21:38,500
Even God himself
couldn't ruin you more!
433
00:21:38,583 --> 00:21:41,666
Old Myc is back, bitches!
434
00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:43,875
Fuck you. And fuck you.
435
00:21:43,958 --> 00:21:47,833
And fuck all of you fuckers!
436
00:21:49,166 --> 00:21:53,333
But, Myc, you can
have eternal companionship in the hive.
437
00:21:53,416 --> 00:21:56,125
Why would you choose to leave
with a team you hate?
438
00:21:56,625 --> 00:21:59,041
Because I don't hate my team.
439
00:21:59,833 --> 00:22:03,083
And unlike you,
they don't think I need to change.
440
00:22:03,166 --> 00:22:06,666
You're a bunch of stuck-up dicks
who peaked in hive school,
441
00:22:06,750 --> 00:22:10,666
and the only interesting thing that will
ever happen to you was meeting me!
442
00:22:10,750 --> 00:22:13,416
I'm done trying to be like you.
443
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,208
It's time for you to get a load of me!
444
00:22:17,333 --> 00:22:18,166
What is happening?
445
00:22:24,333 --> 00:22:25,625
What you looking at?
446
00:22:25,708 --> 00:22:28,333
I don't know.
Did Jackson Pollock ever paint with vomit?
447
00:22:28,416 --> 00:22:30,500
You all just see me
as an object!
448
00:22:30,583 --> 00:22:32,958
Well, suck my stem, assholes!
449
00:22:33,041 --> 00:22:35,333
I have a degree in communications!
450
00:22:35,958 --> 00:22:39,041
Myc, instead of the hive
taking over your personality,
451
00:22:39,125 --> 00:22:40,458
you took over theirs,
452
00:22:40,541 --> 00:22:41,875
and now they fucking suck!
453
00:22:41,958 --> 00:22:43,916
Sorry, that came out wrong.
454
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,041
You don't actually suck.
You're an acquired taste.
455
00:22:47,125 --> 00:22:51,250
Don't worry. I'm picking up
what your feeble brain is laying down.
456
00:22:53,041 --> 00:22:55,041
Jesus, I guess the hive is gone forever.
457
00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:58,375
Nah, I got my hive right here.
458
00:22:58,458 --> 00:23:00,458
I've got hives from being here!
459
00:23:00,541 --> 00:23:01,583
Eurgh!
460
00:23:03,041 --> 00:23:06,666
The Robes have bugs
disguised as actual bugs.
461
00:23:06,750 --> 00:23:09,625
Have to admit,
if not for your revenge shits,
462
00:23:09,708 --> 00:23:12,625
I never would've found
the real spies. Drink?
463
00:23:12,708 --> 00:23:15,708
Brandy not made of my own urine?
How can I say no?
464
00:23:15,791 --> 00:23:18,250
How would you like a job
debugging this place?
465
00:23:18,333 --> 00:23:21,000
And in return,
I won't turn you in to the Robes.
466
00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:25,291
Yes. I'm thinking co-CEO,
full salary, private jet.
467
00:23:25,375 --> 00:23:28,375
How about unpaid intern
and I get to call you "Spanky"?
468
00:23:28,458 --> 00:23:29,291
Deal!
469
00:23:32,250 --> 00:23:38,041
Andre, I'm sorry for judging your commie,
hippie, junkie, pinko, pansexual,
470
00:23:38,125 --> 00:23:39,958
ambiguously ethnic lifestyle.
471
00:23:40,041 --> 00:23:43,625
No, Glenn. Almost dying with you
in a mushroom hole made me realize
472
00:23:43,708 --> 00:23:45,708
I was the one judging you.
473
00:23:45,791 --> 00:23:47,750
Also, sorry for drugging you.
474
00:23:47,833 --> 00:23:52,166
After what we experienced, I'm proud
to not feel my face when I'm with you.
475
00:23:52,250 --> 00:23:55,291
And I'm proud to call you a… client?
476
00:23:55,375 --> 00:23:57,000
You take traveler's checks?
477
00:23:59,833 --> 00:24:02,041
-There you go.
-Thanks for doing this, guys.
478
00:24:02,125 --> 00:24:03,500
We're happy to have you back.
479
00:24:03,583 --> 00:24:06,500
Me too. Ever since
you helped me break from the hive,
480
00:24:06,583 --> 00:24:08,833
I'm really ready to embrace the new me.
481
00:24:08,916 --> 00:24:11,166
Oh, Gigi's proud of you, honey.
482
00:24:11,250 --> 00:24:13,791
Hello. Welcome to Fresh Dirt.
483
00:24:13,875 --> 00:24:17,250
My guests this week
are genius robotics expert Reagan Ridley
484
00:24:17,333 --> 00:24:20,791
and master media manipulator
Gigi Thompson. Welcome.
485
00:24:20,875 --> 00:24:22,125
-Hi there.
-Pleasure to be here.
486
00:24:22,208 --> 00:24:25,250
My first question is this,
you guys ever make out?
487
00:24:25,333 --> 00:24:26,291
Excuse me?
488
00:24:26,375 --> 00:24:29,500
After work,
you have a few too many Mich Ultras,
489
00:24:29,583 --> 00:24:32,416
a hand ends up on somebody's thigh.
490
00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:34,916
-That took all of, what, five seconds?
-I'm out.
491
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,958
Get used to it, baby!
It's called journalism!
492
00:24:38,625 --> 00:24:41,208
Fresh Dirt is brought to you
by Blue Apron.
493
00:24:41,291 --> 00:24:45,000
Do you only care about the environment
if it's super convenient?
494
00:25:13,083 --> 00:25:17,000
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