1
00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:14,666
Bulimia.
2
00:00:14,750 --> 00:00:16,041
So brave.
3
00:00:16,125 --> 00:00:17,833
Let's take a silent moment and--
4
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,125
Goddamn it, they're at it again.
5
00:00:23,208 --> 00:00:25,541
Great.
Now I'm going to have nightmares.
6
00:00:28,125 --> 00:00:30,875
Yeah, I think therapy
is definitely working.
7
00:00:30,958 --> 00:00:33,333
You know what?
I think I need some more therapy.
8
00:00:33,958 --> 00:00:36,000
Anything you'd like
to share with the group?
9
00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:39,833
Oh, yeah. I… I was just looking
for my Tic Tacs, which I--
10
00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:41,416
Which she left in my mouth.
11
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:43,416
We left Tic Tacs in each other's mouths.
12
00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:44,541
-Good save.
-Gotta commit.
13
00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:47,416
Reagan, this is what we call
a coping mechanism.
14
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,083
If you're not careful,
it can become an addiction.
15
00:00:50,166 --> 00:00:52,041
Ron isn't an addiction.
16
00:00:52,125 --> 00:00:53,916
He's a healthy distraction.
17
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,833
We all have groping mechanisms.
18
00:00:55,916 --> 00:00:59,416
I mean, uh, coping.
We were definitely coping in there.
19
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:02,708
Groping mechanisms. You dork.
20
00:01:02,791 --> 00:01:06,458
Look, if you don't rejoin the group,
I'm going to… One second.
21
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:08,416
Class dismissed.
22
00:01:10,875 --> 00:01:12,666
Do you validate parking?
23
00:01:13,875 --> 00:01:16,875
Damn it, Myc. I said rose quartz.
24
00:01:16,958 --> 00:01:19,291
-Glenn, feng shui that lamp.
25
00:01:19,375 --> 00:01:20,500
Feng-ier, goddamn it.
26
00:01:21,875 --> 00:01:22,833
What's going on?
27
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,583
Why is there potpourri
in the document shredder?
28
00:01:25,666 --> 00:01:28,541
Tamiko said she was coming by today
with some big news.
29
00:01:31,583 --> 00:01:32,708
One means divorce.
30
00:01:32,791 --> 00:01:34,000
Two means she's driving.
31
00:01:34,083 --> 00:01:35,916
Three, a hook-up is imminent.
32
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,250
I lost your mother when I lost my job.
33
00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:42,166
Now that I'm on top again,
she's remembered that I'm the one.
34
00:01:43,583 --> 00:01:46,791
Your mother is about to walk
through that door and say--
35
00:01:46,875 --> 00:01:49,666
Who wants to meet my new boyfriend?
36
00:01:59,291 --> 00:02:00,750
Keanu Reeves!
37
00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:03,333
The star of John Wick 2 and 3?
38
00:02:03,416 --> 00:02:04,875
And John Wick 4.
39
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,958
Sorry we're late.
We got stuck in traffic making love.
40
00:02:08,041 --> 00:02:10,666
Oh, don't be vulgar. We were boning.
41
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:15,833
Well, you were right
about her finding "the one."
42
00:02:16,375 --> 00:02:20,833
-You know, like from The Matrix, The One.
-Mother--
43
00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:45,333
-…fucker.
44
00:02:45,416 --> 00:02:48,750
Well, he is fucking Reagan's mother.
So yes, motherfucker.
45
00:02:48,833 --> 00:02:53,333
Holy shit. Your mom is having
a sexcellent adventure with Bill and Ted?
46
00:02:53,416 --> 00:02:56,791
Mom. You just got married to yourself
and now you're dating a celebrity?
47
00:02:56,875 --> 00:02:59,083
How did he even get past security?
48
00:02:59,708 --> 00:03:02,875
Oh, great bunch of guys.
They asked me to sign their machine guns.
49
00:03:02,958 --> 00:03:03,875
-Yeah!
50
00:03:03,958 --> 00:03:07,750
Nunu and I met when he signed on
to star in the movie of my book.
51
00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:10,833
We've been an A-list power couple
ever since.
52
00:03:10,916 --> 00:03:14,666
I just wanted to come by and tell you
that the premiere is this weekend.
53
00:03:14,750 --> 00:03:15,833
And we're all invited?
54
00:03:15,916 --> 00:03:17,333
What? No, I'm just telling you.
55
00:03:17,416 --> 00:03:18,791
-You must be Rand.
-Huh?
56
00:03:18,875 --> 00:03:20,791
I've heard so much about your journey.
57
00:03:20,875 --> 00:03:23,458
Sh, sh, sh. Let the anger go.
58
00:03:24,041 --> 00:03:25,208
Here. Have a lotus.
59
00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:28,458
I don't put these in my pockets.
They just grow there spontaneously.
60
00:03:29,833 --> 00:03:32,083
This will never last. Tell her, Reagan.
61
00:03:32,166 --> 00:03:33,541
Why should I listen to Reagan?
62
00:03:33,625 --> 00:03:36,083
She's never been supportive
about my relationships.
63
00:03:36,166 --> 00:03:38,833
What? I have always… Uh…
64
00:03:38,916 --> 00:03:42,083
Mom, you can't date the pool boy.
You're just gonna get hurt.
65
00:03:42,166 --> 00:03:45,583
Mom, you can't date Richard Branson.
You're just gonna get hurt.
66
00:03:45,666 --> 00:03:49,458
Mom, you can't date
the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil.
67
00:03:49,541 --> 00:03:52,250
Someone's going to get hurt.
That guy is juggling fire.
68
00:03:52,958 --> 00:03:56,791
Actually, Mom, I've been opening myself up
to new relationships lately,
69
00:03:56,875 --> 00:03:59,958
and I think
that it's beautiful that you are too.
70
00:04:00,041 --> 00:04:03,000
Oh, Reagan. That is so unlike you.
In a good way.
71
00:04:03,083 --> 00:04:07,125
And I want you to know that I would never
dream of trying to replace your father.
72
00:04:07,208 --> 00:04:09,583
It's not totally
off the table, right?
73
00:04:10,958 --> 00:04:12,833
Koko, do you mind if we head back to LA?
74
00:04:12,916 --> 00:04:16,166
I'm feeling drained from squinting
meaningfully into the distance.
75
00:04:16,250 --> 00:04:19,500
Of course.
He's on a Hollywood all-liquid diet.
76
00:04:19,583 --> 00:04:22,458
I feel blessed to have met you
and I hope you don't mind,
77
00:04:22,541 --> 00:04:25,583
but I took the liberty of replacing
all the cars in the parking lot
78
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:27,000
with new Teslas.
79
00:04:27,583 --> 00:04:28,916
-Wow!
-Seriously?
80
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,625
I love Keanu Reeves.
81
00:04:33,375 --> 00:04:34,208
New mission.
82
00:04:34,291 --> 00:04:38,541
Reagan, as your boss and father,
I order you to destroy that relationship.
83
00:04:38,625 --> 00:04:39,875
What? Fuck no.
84
00:04:39,958 --> 00:04:41,291
It's for her own good.
85
00:04:41,375 --> 00:04:44,041
Trust me. Everyone in Hollywood
is a monstrous creep
86
00:04:44,125 --> 00:04:45,416
with a dark-ass secret.
87
00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:48,250
Did you see how he hypnotized me?
He might not even be human.
88
00:04:48,333 --> 00:04:50,333
Face it. Mom just wants young blood.
89
00:04:50,416 --> 00:04:52,083
My blood's plenty young.
90
00:04:52,166 --> 00:04:57,541
Last week, the doctor said your
blood was 4% cigarette ash, and 9% STDs.
91
00:04:57,625 --> 00:05:01,750
I am not sabotaging Mom's happiness
because you got replaced by a hotter guy.
92
00:05:01,833 --> 00:05:04,750
-Where are you going?
-I have a coping mechanism.
93
00:05:05,916 --> 00:05:08,041
Yes, girl! Go get it, honey!
94
00:05:08,541 --> 00:05:10,166
She's finally getting laid, right?
95
00:05:10,250 --> 00:05:11,208
-Yeah.
-Definitely.
96
00:05:11,291 --> 00:05:12,750
-Thank God.
-Good for all of us.
97
00:05:15,125 --> 00:05:17,041
I'm gonna make a fucking movie too.
98
00:05:17,125 --> 00:05:20,000
I'm gonna show Tamiko
that I'm a badass leading man.
99
00:05:20,083 --> 00:05:21,083
Leading man?
100
00:05:21,166 --> 00:05:24,208
No offense, but you look
like Willem Dafoe fucked a meth needle.
101
00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:27,583
True. My years of living awesomely
have taken their toll.
102
00:05:27,666 --> 00:05:30,083
Andre. You've got an hour
to whip up a youth serum.
103
00:05:30,166 --> 00:05:32,583
I want my face so young
you could eat off of it.
104
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:35,791
Myc, write a badass action script
to highlight my sexiness.
105
00:05:35,875 --> 00:05:40,416
I've already got the title.
The Chronicles of Rand-dick.
106
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,333
Sounded better in my head.
107
00:05:42,416 --> 00:05:44,583
Glenn, teach me fight choreography.
108
00:05:44,666 --> 00:05:46,666
Call me Dolphin Lundgren.
109
00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:50,166
Rand, it takes more than looks
and nunchucks to make a movie.
110
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:51,208
You need names.
111
00:05:51,291 --> 00:05:53,333
You're right. I need cred.
112
00:05:53,416 --> 00:05:56,375
Someone whose name means Oscar gold.
Someone like--
113
00:05:56,458 --> 00:05:59,083
Leonardo DiCaprio.
He's an inspiration.
114
00:05:59,166 --> 00:06:02,708
He taught me that recycling
is also for guys with abs.
115
00:06:02,791 --> 00:06:06,291
Sold! Brett, use your natural
douche instincts to track down Leo
116
00:06:06,375 --> 00:06:07,666
and get him on board.
117
00:06:07,750 --> 00:06:11,750
Okay, people, like I said to Tonya Harding
when she asked me for career advice,
118
00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:13,166
let's break some legs!
119
00:06:15,416 --> 00:06:16,583
Let me get that.
120
00:06:16,666 --> 00:06:20,875
Your arms should only be used
for realistic gunplay and hugging my mom.
121
00:06:20,958 --> 00:06:23,958
Reagan. This visit was such a nice idea.
122
00:06:24,041 --> 00:06:26,916
You've never wanted to hang out
with any of my boyfriends.
123
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:28,625
Well, none of them were Keanu.
124
00:06:28,708 --> 00:06:32,333
I've been a fan ever since
I made my own Matrix when I was eight.
125
00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:34,416
We might all still be in it.
126
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,833
Oh, shoot. I forgot the rice crackers.
127
00:06:36,916 --> 00:06:38,583
Be right back, Koko.
128
00:06:39,791 --> 00:06:43,916
Tasteful minimalism,
a courtyard full of motorcycles.
129
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,000
His own private Idaho-shaped pool.
130
00:06:46,083 --> 00:06:48,541
After dating so many billionaires,
131
00:06:48,625 --> 00:06:51,125
his millionaire lifestyle
keeps me grounded.
132
00:06:51,208 --> 00:06:52,625
Well, I'm proud of you, Mom.
133
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,416
Uh, what is this?
We about to kill a spider together?
134
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:02,375
I want you to come to the premiere with us
as my guest of honor.
135
00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:03,583
Wait, really?
136
00:07:03,666 --> 00:07:06,416
You always find some kind of fault
with my boyfriends,
137
00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:08,625
but for once, you're supporting me.
138
00:07:08,708 --> 00:07:10,166
And I want to support you.
139
00:07:10,250 --> 00:07:12,083
I don't know what to say.
140
00:07:12,166 --> 00:07:15,291
Say you'll get me another quinoa mimosa.
141
00:07:15,375 --> 00:07:16,291
On it.
142
00:07:17,541 --> 00:07:19,250
Rand was so wrong.
143
00:07:19,333 --> 00:07:22,750
Hollywood people aren't creeps.
At the end of the day, they're just--
144
00:07:24,250 --> 00:07:25,416
Keanu?
145
00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,250
What was that?
146
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,416
Is Keanu Reeves some kind of a vampire?
147
00:07:41,500 --> 00:07:42,791
Are vampires real?
148
00:07:42,875 --> 00:07:45,333
Am I spiraling? Is all of this out loud?
149
00:07:45,416 --> 00:07:47,416
Reagan, is everything all right?
150
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,750
You look like you've seen a ghost,
or an adjacent undead creature.
151
00:07:50,833 --> 00:07:54,750
Excuse me. I was just drinking
a box of Juicy Juice.
152
00:07:54,833 --> 00:07:57,875
Keanu, I just invited Reagan
to be our guest at the premiere.
153
00:07:57,958 --> 00:07:59,750
She's so excited, she's sweating.
154
00:07:59,833 --> 00:08:01,958
Uh, yeah, this is not gonna suck.
155
00:08:02,041 --> 00:08:04,625
I mean, bite. I mean, let's do it!
156
00:08:04,708 --> 00:08:08,708
When you see the movie, Reagan,
you will just die.
157
00:08:11,583 --> 00:08:13,208
Oops! Down, Keanu.
158
00:08:13,291 --> 00:08:18,291
I named my cat Keanu after the movie Keanu
about a cat named after me, Keanu.
159
00:08:18,375 --> 00:08:20,375
-Quiet on the set.
160
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,708
That includes thinking.
161
00:08:21,791 --> 00:08:24,041
I'm psychic, you idiots.
162
00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:25,500
Gigi, random question,
163
00:08:25,583 --> 00:08:29,666
but is it normal for celebrities
to get blood transfusions in, um, coffins?
164
00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:31,000
I got a better question.
165
00:08:31,083 --> 00:08:34,333
Are you getting laid?
'Cause, girl, you are glowing.
166
00:08:34,416 --> 00:08:37,041
I got some outfits
that'll match that horny glow.
167
00:08:37,125 --> 00:08:40,125
What? No. Why are you always
trying to make me over?
168
00:08:40,208 --> 00:08:42,833
Why does Banksy want to make art
out of boring walls?
169
00:08:42,916 --> 00:08:44,375
The challenge.
170
00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:46,125
Listen, my mom is in big trouble.
171
00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:48,541
Can you help me dig up any dirt
on Keanu Reeves?
172
00:08:48,625 --> 00:08:52,708
I could try, but dark Hollywood shit
is the Illuminati's turf
173
00:08:52,791 --> 00:08:55,500
and those assholes
won't let me near their headquarters.
174
00:08:55,583 --> 00:08:57,166
The Illuminati, huh?
175
00:09:04,250 --> 00:09:05,916
Okay, Brett. Remember the plan.
176
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,375
Track down Leo DiCaprio,
177
00:09:07,458 --> 00:09:10,791
lure him into Rand's movie,
and become his best friend.
178
00:09:11,375 --> 00:09:13,750
Who's ready to party like Ed Hardy?
179
00:09:15,208 --> 00:09:16,708
Ooh.
180
00:09:16,791 --> 00:09:21,208
Excuse me, broseppi,
does my boy Leo D still hang out here?
181
00:09:21,291 --> 00:09:25,083
Yeah, not since he won his Oscar.
But he left a bunch of garbage behind.
182
00:09:25,166 --> 00:09:26,333
Those guys?
183
00:09:26,416 --> 00:09:30,083
Tobey Maguire, David Blaine,
Lukas Haas, and Q-Tip,
184
00:09:30,166 --> 00:09:33,333
his old crew, aka the Pussy Posse.
185
00:09:33,416 --> 00:09:36,500
The legendary pickup artists
from the early aughts?
186
00:09:36,583 --> 00:09:38,500
I thought my older brother made them up.
187
00:09:38,583 --> 00:09:40,041
Where are you going?
188
00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:42,625
Don't make me hold my breath
till you come back.
189
00:09:42,708 --> 00:09:45,000
I've done dumber things for much longer!
190
00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,708
Wazzup, home dogs.
191
00:09:46,791 --> 00:09:49,666
Looks like you're one white dude
short of a full posse.
192
00:09:49,750 --> 00:09:52,791
David disappeared Connolly
in a magic accident.
193
00:09:52,875 --> 00:09:54,041
R-I-P.
194
00:09:54,125 --> 00:09:55,666
Yo, don't step to me, Tobey.
195
00:09:55,750 --> 00:09:57,458
I'll turn you back into an owl.
196
00:09:57,541 --> 00:10:00,833
Well, I've been known
to have a few tricks up my sleeve too.
197
00:10:00,916 --> 00:10:02,541
Check this out.
198
00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:05,666
This is the life, huh?
199
00:10:05,750 --> 00:10:06,708
Agh!
200
00:10:06,791 --> 00:10:08,250
Hmm.
201
00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:11,458
Just guys being dudes.
202
00:10:11,541 --> 00:10:13,916
I admire your shamelessness.
203
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,583
What did you say your name was?
204
00:10:15,666 --> 00:10:20,000
It's Blaive… Brett… ford… stein.
205
00:10:20,083 --> 00:10:21,416
Blaive Brettfordstein.
206
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:23,833
Hm. We've been burned before, Blaive.
207
00:10:23,916 --> 00:10:27,083
Some people think they can use us
to get to Leo.
208
00:10:27,166 --> 00:10:29,333
What? I would never.
209
00:10:29,416 --> 00:10:31,625
But if we hang out,
I will meet him, right?
210
00:10:31,708 --> 00:10:34,416
First you got to prove
you're posse material.
211
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,208
Pussy Posse party protocol.
212
00:10:41,791 --> 00:10:43,958
His muscles, huge.
213
00:10:44,541 --> 00:10:46,958
His alcoholism, charming.
214
00:10:47,541 --> 00:10:49,708
He's ready to get back together.
215
00:10:49,791 --> 00:10:51,875
If you can handle it.
216
00:10:58,333 --> 00:11:00,791
Yippee-ki-yay, mother of my child.
217
00:11:00,875 --> 00:11:01,916
Cut.
218
00:11:02,791 --> 00:11:05,791
He's jiggling in the wind.
Can we turn the fans down?
219
00:11:05,875 --> 00:11:09,791
Goddamn it! This company managed to
cover up Mr. Rogers' Vietnam sniper count.
220
00:11:09,875 --> 00:11:12,083
Can't we cover up my fucking man boobs?
221
00:11:12,166 --> 00:11:13,916
Andre! I need that youth serum.
222
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,375
Are you sure?
223
00:11:15,458 --> 00:11:17,583
I didn't check the expiration date
on these stem cells.
224
00:11:17,666 --> 00:11:20,458
I'm not getting any younger,
and neither is my scrotum.
225
00:11:22,583 --> 00:11:24,333
If he dies, I get the Army.
226
00:11:24,416 --> 00:11:26,000
No fair. I want the Army!
227
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:35,791
Holy shit! I look 25 to 30,
and check out that ass.
228
00:11:35,875 --> 00:11:37,833
I don't want to, but I can't stop staring.
229
00:11:37,916 --> 00:11:41,166
Writers. I want 20…
No, 30 more sex scenes.
230
00:11:41,250 --> 00:11:44,125
-Already so many. Goddamn it.
231
00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:49,416
You know a man on the inside
of the Illuminati?
232
00:11:49,500 --> 00:11:51,250
This is some Deep Throat shit.
233
00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:53,250
We don't know each other very well.
234
00:11:54,125 --> 00:11:56,666
-Reagan.
-Gigi, this is my source, Staedtler.
235
00:11:57,291 --> 00:12:00,083
Oh, you two are banging, aren't you?
236
00:12:00,166 --> 00:12:01,375
-What?
-What? No.
237
00:12:01,458 --> 00:12:03,791
-No, we are not.
-I'm sorry. Gross.
238
00:12:03,875 --> 00:12:05,500
-No offense.
-Does anybody else say that?
239
00:12:05,583 --> 00:12:06,833
Why would you think that?
240
00:12:06,916 --> 00:12:10,875
This really is
some Deep Throat shit. I love it, honey.
241
00:12:10,958 --> 00:12:14,833
Gigi. He's from a rival company.
You can't tell anyone.
242
00:12:14,916 --> 00:12:15,791
About the banging?
243
00:12:15,875 --> 00:12:17,583
Definitely not about the banging.
244
00:12:17,666 --> 00:12:19,541
Can everyone stop
saying the word "banging"?
245
00:12:19,625 --> 00:12:20,916
Shh!
246
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,750
I grabbed every Keanu file
in the Illuminati archive.
247
00:12:25,541 --> 00:12:27,125
Okay, that's Keanu now,
248
00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:30,958
and here he is in Bram Stoker's Dracula
in 1992.
249
00:12:31,041 --> 00:12:32,541
He's barely aged a day.
250
00:12:34,125 --> 00:12:35,791
How old are these photos?
251
00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:37,375
And who are all these women?
252
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,333
Hollywood Immortals?
253
00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:42,125
The Illuminati has spread their message
using the charisma of actors
254
00:12:42,208 --> 00:12:43,833
for centuries, but get this.
255
00:12:43,916 --> 00:12:47,916
They found a way to keep them alive
so their star power never dies.
256
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,125
Hollywood's leading men
are making themselves immortal
257
00:12:51,208 --> 00:12:53,083
using the blood of young women!
258
00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:54,875
They're all hundreds of years old.
259
00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:57,000
Every ageless leading man is one of them.
260
00:12:57,083 --> 00:12:59,875
Nicolas Cage, Brad Pitt, Larry David,
261
00:12:59,958 --> 00:13:02,333
and the most bloodthirsty of them all,
262
00:13:02,416 --> 00:13:04,333
Leonardo DiCaprio.
263
00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:06,833
That's why they all date
19-year-old models
264
00:13:06,916 --> 00:13:08,208
who we never see again.
265
00:13:08,291 --> 00:13:09,375
For their blood!
266
00:13:09,458 --> 00:13:11,583
Shit. I have to go to my next cleanup job.
267
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:14,666
Someone on the Internet found out
Margot Robbie is CGI.
268
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:15,625
Call me later?
269
00:13:16,250 --> 00:13:18,916
Reagan, you've gotta tell Tamiko
the truth about Keanu Reeves
270
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,000
before he drinks her
through a crazy straw.
271
00:13:21,083 --> 00:13:21,958
I can't.
272
00:13:22,041 --> 00:13:25,916
If I tell her, she's just gonna assume
I'm being old unsupportive Reagan.
273
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,291
It'll just drive them closer together.
274
00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:31,208
Mom is gonna have to find out
from somebody that she trusts.
275
00:13:31,291 --> 00:13:34,916
Goddamn it, Rad Ridley.
You punched the president to death.
276
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,375
You better not be
having hot sex right now.
277
00:13:40,041 --> 00:13:43,375
The flag's not the only thing
at half-mast.
278
00:13:44,375 --> 00:13:46,541
Huh? Wait, what the hell is going on?
279
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,333
Shit. Fucking fuck. Fuck!
280
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:57,000
Okay, that's a cut.
281
00:13:57,083 --> 00:13:58,416
Shit! Andre!
282
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,625
You only gave me an hour
to make the serum.
283
00:14:00,708 --> 00:14:02,625
Well, our continuity is fucked.
284
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:05,250
You seem like the kind of guy
who cares about continuity.
285
00:14:05,333 --> 00:14:06,833
It's the only thing that matters.
286
00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:08,583
Before you Benjamin Buttoned me,
287
00:14:08,666 --> 00:14:12,291
I was well on my way to smashing
box office records and my wife.
288
00:14:12,375 --> 00:14:16,458
Now, I just have a powerful urge
to smash brightly-colored blocks together.
289
00:14:16,541 --> 00:14:18,416
I want an Oscar!
290
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,541
How? At this rate,
we're filming goddamn Boss Baby.
291
00:14:21,625 --> 00:14:24,333
Well, this baby is still your boss,
292
00:14:24,416 --> 00:14:27,875
and I'll kick your dick through your head
unless we finish this movie.
293
00:14:27,958 --> 00:14:30,083
Don't forget I have the nuclear codes.
294
00:14:30,166 --> 00:14:31,000
Furthermore…
295
00:14:31,083 --> 00:14:31,958
Wah!
296
00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:34,541
Where the fuck
is Brett with DiCaprio?
297
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:37,541
All right, Blaive,
to prove you're Leo material,
298
00:14:37,625 --> 00:14:40,666
go run game on those 9.7s at the bar.
299
00:14:40,750 --> 00:14:43,500
-Hey, I'm Blaive.
300
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:44,625
I like your Birkin.
301
00:14:44,708 --> 00:14:46,583
My mom had one like it for her pills.
302
00:14:46,666 --> 00:14:48,041
Oh my gosh.
303
00:14:48,125 --> 00:14:50,541
You're so sweet and hot,
304
00:14:50,625 --> 00:14:53,041
but, like, non-threatening, like a cousin,
305
00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:54,583
but still kind of hot.
306
00:14:54,666 --> 00:14:58,208
Whoa. What's that thing he's doing
while he's waiting to talk?
307
00:14:58,291 --> 00:15:01,166
I think he's listening.
308
00:15:01,250 --> 00:15:02,166
Sorcery!
309
00:15:02,250 --> 00:15:04,916
Blaive, what's your secret?
310
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,875
Well, first off, one helpful tip
is to think of a woman as a person.
311
00:15:08,958 --> 00:15:10,791
-Did he just say that?
-My mind is blown.
312
00:15:10,875 --> 00:15:13,166
Everything I know is wrong!
313
00:15:13,250 --> 00:15:15,625
Womanizing is our entire identity.
314
00:15:15,708 --> 00:15:18,583
Could we even still call ourselves
the Pussy Posse?
315
00:15:18,666 --> 00:15:21,291
You sure can, with one of these.
316
00:15:23,833 --> 00:15:25,125
I'm getting on Etsy.
317
00:15:25,208 --> 00:15:28,250
How about we go show off
our newfound wisdom to Leo, huh?
318
00:15:28,875 --> 00:15:33,375
Sorry, Blaive. Truth is, Leo kicked us
to the curb when he won that Oscar.
319
00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:35,541
"Never let go" my ass.
320
00:15:35,625 --> 00:15:37,375
He's got a new posse now.
321
00:15:37,458 --> 00:15:40,416
Oh, okay. Well, do you know
where they hang out?
322
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:44,791
Hell yeah, is this "Baby Shark"?
323
00:15:44,875 --> 00:15:48,375
Did you know the guy who wrote
"Baby Shark" killed his wife in 1998?
324
00:15:48,458 --> 00:15:51,416
Oh, this song is horseshit.
Play it again, though.
325
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,208
We got coordinates on Leo.
326
00:15:53,291 --> 00:15:55,375
Then let's go shoot that fight scene.
327
00:15:55,458 --> 00:15:58,250
Okay, but I think we should bring boostie.
328
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,000
No boostie!
329
00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:04,791
Keanu's on the move.
Go break up with your mom.
330
00:16:08,541 --> 00:16:09,375
How do I look?
331
00:16:09,458 --> 00:16:12,375
Vaguely Asian, but not in the way
that threatens Middle America.
332
00:16:12,458 --> 00:16:15,833
Perfect. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.
333
00:16:15,916 --> 00:16:17,458
No, that's Owen Wilson.
334
00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:20,083
Whoa. Okay. I've got it.
335
00:16:21,541 --> 00:16:25,791
Nunu? You just left. And why are you
ringing your own doorbell?
336
00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:29,250
Uh, because I need this to be official.
337
00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:31,625
Tamiko, I'm breaking up with you.
338
00:16:31,708 --> 00:16:35,458
What? But we just made passionate love
in the Idaho pool.
339
00:16:35,541 --> 00:16:36,916
Look, fine.
340
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:40,958
You need to leave because I'm actually
a 400-year-old Immortal
341
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:42,583
and I want to suck your blood.
342
00:16:42,666 --> 00:16:45,041
Oh my God, I understand.
343
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:48,833
This is sexy role-play.
344
00:16:48,916 --> 00:16:51,791
Suck me dry, you immortal fuck demon!
345
00:16:51,875 --> 00:16:53,250
Agh, Mom. Stop it!
346
00:16:53,333 --> 00:16:55,250
Oh, shit.
347
00:16:55,333 --> 00:16:56,750
Wait. Mom?
348
00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:01,250
Reagan! I should have known.
349
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:04,333
You've been judging me
this entire time, again.
350
00:17:04,416 --> 00:17:05,666
No, this is different.
351
00:17:05,750 --> 00:17:08,875
Keanu is some kind of science vampire.
I can prove it.
352
00:17:08,958 --> 00:17:11,916
How could you do this?
I finally found a keeper.
353
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,666
Yeah, a Crypt Keeper.
354
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:15,291
You're just like your father.
355
00:17:15,375 --> 00:17:17,000
You won't work on our relationship,
356
00:17:17,083 --> 00:17:20,458
but there's no amount of work you won't do
to make sure I'm not happy.
357
00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:21,833
-That is not what--
-Just go.
358
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:24,375
And do not show your face
at tonight's premiere.
359
00:17:25,458 --> 00:17:27,000
Or Keanu's face.
360
00:17:27,666 --> 00:17:28,500
The premiere!
361
00:17:28,583 --> 00:17:32,000
She's going to walk
right into a den of A-list vampires.
362
00:17:32,958 --> 00:17:34,000
I'm all out of options.
363
00:17:34,083 --> 00:17:37,500
If I want to save my mom,
I have to do what The Lake House couldn't.
364
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,916
Kill Keanu Reeves.
365
00:17:41,875 --> 00:17:45,208
We need to infiltrate that premiere
and get to Keanu before it's too late.
366
00:17:45,291 --> 00:17:46,125
But how?
367
00:17:46,208 --> 00:17:48,541
The only way in is to walk the red carpet,
368
00:17:48,625 --> 00:17:50,458
and when they see someone as hot as me,
369
00:17:50,541 --> 00:17:52,916
all those camera flashes
will attract attention.
370
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,666
I don't have frumpy privilege
like you, Reagan.
371
00:18:00,458 --> 00:18:03,708
men will look at you
the way they look at me. Briefly.
372
00:18:08,416 --> 00:18:09,666
And done.
373
00:18:10,208 --> 00:18:11,958
Wow, I hate it.
374
00:18:12,041 --> 00:18:15,791
I want to cyberbully myself.
Do you really think this'll work?
375
00:18:15,875 --> 00:18:18,750
Oh, yeah. In Hollywood,
being a rumpled woman over 30
376
00:18:18,833 --> 00:18:20,791
is basically an invisibility cloak.
377
00:18:20,875 --> 00:18:22,416
-Emma Stone!
-Over here!
378
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,541
Tell me about La La Land.
379
00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:28,666
Do you see anyone?
380
00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:31,083
My eyes can't really focus.
381
00:18:31,166 --> 00:18:35,375
-Does this look like anything?
-Just an empty red carpet. Weird.
382
00:18:35,458 --> 00:18:38,750
Damn, I could
get used to being unremarkable.
383
00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:40,666
Yeah. I'm so lucky.
384
00:18:40,750 --> 00:18:42,750
-Look!
385
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:45,208
I need a private moment to unflex my abs.
386
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,458
Be right back, Koko.
387
00:18:47,083 --> 00:18:48,750
Keanu's headed towards the restroom.
388
00:18:48,833 --> 00:18:51,000
Keep watch. I'm going after Keanu.
389
00:18:51,083 --> 00:18:53,625
Bull. Gigi never gets to kill anybody.
390
00:18:57,625 --> 00:19:00,166
Catch you at a bad time, Keanu?
391
00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:03,500
To quote myself,
whoa, what are you doing here?
392
00:19:03,583 --> 00:19:04,750
Saving my mom!
393
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:12,541
You know my secret, but I'm warning you.
I know kung fu.
394
00:19:12,625 --> 00:19:13,791
Yeah, I know.
395
00:19:13,875 --> 00:19:16,000
It's one of two things
people know about you.
396
00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,750
-They also know I do my own stunts.
397
00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:37,500
That doesn't scare me.
I'm a pan-denominational Buddhist.
398
00:19:37,583 --> 00:19:40,250
Buddhists still bleed!
399
00:19:44,583 --> 00:19:48,208
Exactly. There were times
when I felt like the book was writing me.
400
00:19:48,791 --> 00:19:52,750
Holy follow-up question.
Would you consider yourself a genius?
401
00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:54,083
No, no.
402
00:19:54,166 --> 00:19:55,041
But yes.
403
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,875
-Keanu? Reagan?
-Shit!
404
00:19:58,958 --> 00:20:00,625
-I told her not to come.
405
00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:06,583
Fake rain? This just seems expensive.
406
00:20:06,666 --> 00:20:09,166
And in the desert. So wasteful.
407
00:20:09,666 --> 00:20:11,875
Have some garlic, Keanu.
408
00:20:11,958 --> 00:20:13,875
No! Where did you get that?
409
00:20:13,958 --> 00:20:17,333
Olive Garden.
"When you're here, you're family."
410
00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:29,000
All right, Keanu, time to eat your stake.
411
00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:33,333
White oak. You did your homework.
412
00:20:33,416 --> 00:20:36,041
I fucking love homework. And my mom.
413
00:20:36,125 --> 00:20:37,708
I love her too, Reagan.
414
00:20:38,375 --> 00:20:40,125
Reagan. What are you doing?
415
00:20:40,208 --> 00:20:43,000
It's all right, Tamiko,
she's just protecting you.
416
00:20:43,083 --> 00:20:45,291
Everything Reagan said is true.
417
00:20:45,375 --> 00:20:48,750
For hundreds of years,
I've been a blood-sucking Immortal,
418
00:20:48,833 --> 00:20:49,958
until now.
419
00:20:51,166 --> 00:20:53,666
You're not gonna try
to suck out my mom's blood?
420
00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:58,166
I lied about being a vampire,
but not about loving Tamiko.
421
00:20:58,250 --> 00:20:59,750
I'm done with immortality.
422
00:20:59,833 --> 00:21:02,916
I finally found the woman
I want to grow old with.
423
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,500
Oh, Nunu.
424
00:21:06,166 --> 00:21:07,583
We've heard enough!
425
00:21:12,916 --> 00:21:15,208
Leonardo DiCaprio!
426
00:21:15,291 --> 00:21:16,291
Nicolas Cage,
427
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:17,250
Bradley Cooper,
428
00:21:17,333 --> 00:21:18,250
Johnny Depp!
429
00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,583
Oh God, we've stumbled
right into their lair.
430
00:21:20,666 --> 00:21:22,708
I knew you were getting soft, Keanu.
431
00:21:22,791 --> 00:21:25,625
You've been dating
age-appropriate women for years.
432
00:21:25,708 --> 00:21:28,500
That's as disgusting
as only wearing one scarf.
433
00:21:28,583 --> 00:21:31,375
If audiences see you getting older,
434
00:21:31,458 --> 00:21:34,208
they'll get suspicious
about the rest of us.
435
00:21:34,291 --> 00:21:35,375
Except Tom Cruise.
436
00:21:35,458 --> 00:21:37,666
Yeah, that guy is fucking bulletproof.
437
00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,833
You guys are so bogus.
438
00:21:39,916 --> 00:21:41,791
Tamiko is a national treasure.
439
00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:45,583
-Good thing I know how to steal those.
440
00:21:45,666 --> 00:21:46,833
-Mom!
441
00:21:47,833 --> 00:21:49,250
Before we kill Keanu,
442
00:21:49,333 --> 00:21:53,416
one last ceremonial bloodletting
with his 40-something girlfriend.
443
00:21:55,833 --> 00:21:57,250
And oh!
444
00:21:57,958 --> 00:22:00,500
Prepare to be Leonardo decapitated.
445
00:22:00,583 --> 00:22:03,916
Hey, Romeo, hands off my wife!
446
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:08,208
Well, if it isn't my old crew
and some hideous baby man.
447
00:22:08,291 --> 00:22:09,125
Dad?
448
00:22:09,208 --> 00:22:11,833
He's turned himself
into a literal man-child.
449
00:22:11,916 --> 00:22:14,125
Way to turn subtext to text, Rand.
450
00:22:14,208 --> 00:22:15,958
My therapist would love this.
451
00:22:16,041 --> 00:22:17,708
I did it to impress you.
452
00:22:17,791 --> 00:22:21,500
To show you that I was younger, hotter,
and had more Oscars than Keanu.
453
00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:25,791
Looks like the D-listers
crashed the party.
454
00:22:25,875 --> 00:22:27,125
We've evolved, Leo.
455
00:22:27,208 --> 00:22:31,125
You can't bully us, or this single father
and his disfigured baby.
456
00:22:31,208 --> 00:22:32,625
Andre, downzies.
457
00:22:32,708 --> 00:22:34,375
Myc, grab the camera.
458
00:22:34,458 --> 00:22:35,291
Rolling!
459
00:22:35,375 --> 00:22:38,250
I'm kicking your ass.
Get ready for a bloodbath!
460
00:22:38,333 --> 00:22:39,833
That's it.
461
00:22:39,916 --> 00:22:40,916
Blood.
462
00:22:43,541 --> 00:22:44,750
Reagan, what are you doing?
463
00:22:44,833 --> 00:22:47,000
Something I've had recurring dreams about.
464
00:22:47,083 --> 00:22:48,666
Finally stabbing my father!
465
00:22:48,750 --> 00:22:50,000
Ouchies!
466
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:52,125
You fools.
467
00:22:52,208 --> 00:22:54,833
Baby blood is only gonna make me stronger.
468
00:22:54,916 --> 00:22:56,166
Not this baby.
469
00:22:56,250 --> 00:23:00,666
You just mainlined enough bad choices
to age you a thousand years.
470
00:23:00,750 --> 00:23:03,666
-My blood type is O Shit.
-What?!
471
00:23:11,541 --> 00:23:15,875
Drink up, pretty boy.
That shit is hundred proof Ridley.
472
00:23:17,166 --> 00:23:18,791
You can't do this to me!
473
00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:20,791
I'm the king of the world!
474
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:25,000
At least he died
doing what he loved. Composting.
475
00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:26,833
I got it in the can!
476
00:23:26,916 --> 00:23:30,625
I give this movie three stars.
Very confusing.
477
00:23:30,708 --> 00:23:34,000
Sorry I lied, Tamiko.
But I meant everything I said.
478
00:23:34,083 --> 00:23:36,291
I'm ready to give up immortality for you.
479
00:23:36,375 --> 00:23:38,000
Oh, that's…
480
00:23:38,083 --> 00:23:39,333
You're sweet, but…
481
00:23:40,125 --> 00:23:41,375
Bye!
482
00:23:42,250 --> 00:23:45,000
Hey. Sorry for all the…
483
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:47,250
Um… Ah, fuck it.
484
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,375
Well, guess I better
start dressing my age.
485
00:23:51,458 --> 00:23:52,958
You and me both, brother.
486
00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:55,958
I can't believe the whole A list is gone.
487
00:23:56,041 --> 00:23:58,250
I'm proud that the last thing Leo saw
488
00:23:58,333 --> 00:24:01,041
was his posse
growing into mature, decent men.
489
00:24:01,125 --> 00:24:03,583
It's okay. We have a new leader.
490
00:24:03,666 --> 00:24:07,958
Sorry, guys. My name's actually Brett,
and I already have a posse.
491
00:24:08,041 --> 00:24:08,958
The deep state.
492
00:24:09,041 --> 00:24:10,041
-Impossible!
493
00:24:10,125 --> 00:24:11,583
A masterful illusion.
494
00:24:11,666 --> 00:24:15,333
Damn, dude, this whole time,
you were running game, on us.
495
00:24:15,416 --> 00:24:18,125
Then you've learned my final lesson, bros.
496
00:24:18,208 --> 00:24:20,416
Please, Brett, don't forget us.
497
00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:21,875
Call me Blaive.
498
00:24:30,875 --> 00:24:35,500
Hey. Sorry I ruined your premiere
and tried to murder your boyfriend.
499
00:24:35,583 --> 00:24:39,000
I guess Keanu was a good guy after all.
500
00:24:39,083 --> 00:24:40,791
No, I'm sorry.
501
00:24:40,875 --> 00:24:42,958
Seeing my only daughter
risk her life like that,
502
00:24:43,041 --> 00:24:48,375
I-I realized you have been supporting me
this whole time by trying to protect me.
503
00:24:48,458 --> 00:24:51,666
Exactly. It's not that I don't want you
to be happy.
504
00:24:51,750 --> 00:24:54,750
It's just you have horrible taste in men.
505
00:24:54,833 --> 00:24:58,000
Dad, Buzz Aldrin, actual monsters.
506
00:24:58,083 --> 00:24:59,291
I get it now.
507
00:24:59,375 --> 00:25:03,708
You murdered every leading man
in Hollywood because you love me.
508
00:25:03,791 --> 00:25:05,000
And I always will.
509
00:25:06,208 --> 00:25:08,916
Wait, did you break up with Keanu
because he was a vampire,
510
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:12,416
or because you discovered
he was way older than you thought he was?
511
00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:15,041
Reagan. Can't it be both?
512
00:25:16,625 --> 00:25:18,916
He's better
than you remember.
513
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:21,875
He'll have you saying Kean-who?
514
00:25:21,958 --> 00:25:24,041
Tell the president I'm on my way.
515
00:25:33,666 --> 00:25:36,166
I am not
putting my name on this. I quit!
516
00:25:57,166 --> 00:26:02,166
Subtitle translation by: