Late-night TV.
Images and voices in the dark.
In our head.
An electronic cabinet of curiosities,
blurring the line between what is outside and what is inside.
What we are, and what we are told we should be.
Perfection is but a toll-free number away,
and this cabinet is controlled by a magic wand
made of cheap plastic and numbers.
It fits right in your hand, and it is hard to let go.
Our story today is "The Outside,"
and its director, Ana Lily Amirpour.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Ho-ho-ho!
Oh! Oh.
I love the kit, because it's just a fat, juicy steak
that cooks up beautifully on the grill,
and you can marinate it or use a classic Santa Maria rub--
…common in women ages 65 and up.
Change in appetite, hand tremors, dry mouth, increased thirst,
increased urination, and lots of sexual urges common--
If you dare to discover your destiny,
call 1-900-860-all ones now,
as noted author and numerologist Jean Simpson
reveals the hidden meaning of the tarot.
Your mind holds limitless powers.
You're the right person at the right place at the right time…
-…doing the right thing.
Call now! Romance is in the stars.
You'll never know unless you call now.
Call 1-900-860-1111 now…
Did you see anyone?
Glen Ellyn Police Department, this is Officer Chapman.
Keith, there was that noise again.
What are you doing up, Stace?
-What if someone's in the house? -There's no one in the house.
Can you say the thing?
The house makes noise at night.
It's just an old house.
And every time there's a noise,
has there ever been a stranger inside?
Never.
Okay.
Get some sleep, hon, okay?
All right, see you in the morning.
What if this time there is someone in the house? What if--
I don't get it.
Twenty-five grand on liposuction, she's still eating donuts.
I mean, hello? It's one or the other, sweetheart.
You know her husband is fucking that Nancy girl, right?
Mm, well, he always stares at my tits when he comes in here,
so I am not surprised.
Nancy who?
You know Nancy, that little whore with the ass implants.
-So sad. -Mmm.
-She's on Xanax 24/7 now. -I'm sure.
She can't even keep her eyes open, and that's not the worst part.
He left her for a teenager that he met on a cruise.
-Oh my God, scumbag! -Mm-hmm.
-A masseuse. -Yeah. Can you imagine?
When Peter leaves me, I'm gonna cut off his balls.
Oh!
I'm gonna take the house, half his retirement,
and he is gonna be eating frozen dinners and Viagra
trying to keep up with his new girlfriend.
-Hey, ladies. -Oh hey, Cassidy!
Hi, Cassidy.
Hey.
Yes.
Did you guys see that?
She always looks at my tits!
I think she's a lesbian.
-I don't mind. I mean, I have great tits. -You do.
I mean, you really do.
-They look amazing, honey. -They're perky.
Yes!
I was at the Jensens' party, and you know, Sam, he hit on me.
-Come on! -Mm-hmm!
Well, he had a few martinis,
he unzipped his pants, and he showed me.
Yes.
Hey, Stacey.
Oh, hey.
-I didn't know you were still here. -Yeah, can't forget this.
Here. Last pick.
Last pick?
Secret Santa.
For Gina's party tomorrow? You're the last pick.
Oh.
This one's for you, Stacey.
-It's for me? -Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Well, here we go.
Okay. I'll see you at the party.
And, uh, don't work too late, okay?
Will do.
See you at the party!
-Hey, hon. -Hey.
Guess who got invited to a Secret Santa at Gina Kapov's house?
Gina?
Uh…
-She's the one with the crazy dog? -Yeah, but… it's Gina Kapov.
-I thought you hated those women. -Hated? What are you talking about?
Well…
I mean, you've been working there a long time,
and they just now invite you to a party? Seems rude.
It's just women, you know?
Takes a while for certain women to invite someone like me.
Oh, what do you mean, "someone like you"?
Eh, you know, I'm just me.
I don't match.
Yeah.
And thank God you don't, Stace.
Hey, listen to me.
It's different now.
She invited me to her Secret Santa,
and I'm just dying to see the inside of her house.
I bet it's magnificent. I bet it's like a catalog.
I mean, her whole life is like a catalog.
Um, she's got the most beautiful skin, and her hair is always so shiny,
and she could walk into a room and make friends with anyone, you know?
Imagine that.
You walked into a room and made friends with me, didn't cha?
-Yeah, look at him, huh?
He's a beaut.
Mm-hmm.
You hungry?
I'm gonna eat the rest of these wings.
Poker's on.
No, I gotta finish him.
Okay.
Three clubs out there.
The turn card is the three of clubs. That gives Martini the gutshot.
Delilah! Delilah!
No, no. No, no, no, no! No, no, no!
Stop it. You're being…
Stop, stop, stop it!
Oh, I know, it is exciting, okay. It's…
Come on in, come on in. She's never like this. I'm so sorry.
You are going to the basement. Come on!
-But then… -Mm.
…he pulls his pants down
and whips out this huge dick.
-And we are talking huge.
-How huge? -I mean, this is huge.
How huge?
I might end up in the emergency room.
And that is the upside of getting divorced.
Getting away from that boring little dick I was married to.
-Now cheers to that. -Yes indeed.
-Cheers. -Yay.
Cheers.
Mmm!
Well, ever since Peter started taking those antidepressants,
his dick is like a wet spaghetti noodle.
-Oh no. -Yeah, he can't even get it in.
Ugh, that is the worst! Spaghetti-noodle dick is absolutely…
-Oh, it's tragic. -…the worst.
Yeah. Well, he can't get hard,
so he just has me put the vibrator up his ass.
You put it in his… Like, in his…
In his ass.
-And he likes it? -Of course he likes it, Lisa.
I mean, they all do.
Wouldn't let my husband near mine. Mm-mm.
Well, Peter's obsessed with mine.
Well, I'm obsessed with my vibrator, too, so…
Yeah, well, I only wish I found mine in my twenties.
That and fillers. Am I right?
Oh, preach!
Oh my God, that filler look is so hot right now.
Yeah, Gina, your skin looks amazing. You're doing something new. What is it?
Oh, that's so sweet.
Okay, you all need to see Dr. Ramesh. Really.
He's got these new Ruboderm fillers, and it's like… a baby's butt.
-Right on. -I love fillers. Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna have my facelift, and then I am gonna file for divorce.
The thing to do is get, like, a mini facelift,
or like a planar facelift.
So that is when they go in under the skin,
and they take the tissue right close to the muscle,
and they just pull it tight like this.
So good.
-It's 25,000, right? -25,000.
-25,000? -I'm on the waitlist.
-You're on the waitlist? -Yeah, I'm on the waitlist.
I'm gonna be like… Yeah.
Anyway, ladies, it is time for our not-so-Secret Santa!
Sit, sit, sit. Everybody sit.
Sit, sit!
I thought it was a… I thought it was a Secret Santa.
-I don't know.
-I thought it was a Secret Santa. -No, it's not.
Okay, I know what you all wanted, so Jill.
-Thank you! -It's not a secret?
Thank you.
I mean, we already know what everybody wants, so…
-Kathy. -Thank you. Thank you.
Are we excited? So, Jill…
Thank you. Thank you.
-Yes, and Cassidy. -Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome, and this one's for Lisa.
Love you.
Oh my gosh, look at this wrapping!
And this one's for you, Stacey.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Thanks, Gina.
'Kay. Open them, open 'em already!
-Oh my goodness, I love this stuff. -Oh, no.
You're welcome!
-Gina! -Thank you!
Oh! You found it!
-Have you tried this before? -No. I've seen the commercials…
I love this.
-Oh, okay. -Amazing.
-It's that… -Alo Glo.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Anyway, it's so expensive, and you can't get it anywhere,
so… you're welcome, everybody!
…having an orgasm.
So beautiful, I know. It's so incredible. I know.
This one's for you, Gina.
Oh!
-That is huge. -Wow.
That is huge. I know all about the huge.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
-It's all about the huge. -What is in the huge box?
Okay.
Open it, open it, open it!
Open it, open it!
-Open it! -Okay!
I guess I'll open it!
Oh, what is it in here?
Oh, I don't…
I don't quite know what to, um…
-…say or… -Hey, I'll help ya.
-He's not gonna hurt ya. -…do.
-Is it real? -Oh yeah, it's real.
-Here.
-You killed this thing? -Well, yeah, I shot him.
And then I skinned him, and I, you know, took out his insides so he wouldn't rot,
and then, you know, you just wash 'em up real good,
and then, you know, I sewed him back up.
Oh, but the insides are just Styrofoam and some wires.
That's really… Oh, and the eyes are really cool glass beads.
Right. Okay.
You can love him forever.
It's… Okay.
Okay. Um…
-Thank you, Stacey. -You're welcome.
I think I'm just gonna put him right back here in his… his house,
and cover him up.
-Oh my God, that's disgusting. -Mm.
Just… get him out of the way a little.
-Stick him a bit out of the way. -That's a good idea, G.
Um…
-Unusual. -Wow, that's very unusual.
How about that glow, ladies?
-I mean, come on!
It's so expensive, and they rarely have it in stock.
-You can't get it anywhere. -I know!
-Where did you get it? -I'm not telling! I am…
It's kinda scientific.
The deeper you rub it…
Oh, wow, okay.
Do you feel that?
Amazing.
Oh my gosh. Yeah.
Wow. Wow.
So soothing!
You feel that?
Yeah, I feel it. It's really warm.
Oh shit.
S… Stacey, your… your face.
-What?
-Oh. -It's… It's… It's warm.
Yeah, no, it's red.
-Your skin is red. -Oh my God.
-What? -Your skin is red.
-It's red? -It's really red. It's gross.
-Yeah. -It's bad?
-Yeah. -It's not good.
-It's bad. It's angry. -It's pretty bad.
Oh my God.
-Is it… -Like a rash.
Thanks for the ice pack. I'll bring it to the bank.
Oh, no.
No, no, no. You keep it.
Sorry I ruined everything.
Really, you didn't. It… It's fine.
Look, it's so cold. Go home.
Merry Chris… tmas.
I think you're allergic, hon.
Of course I have to be allergic to the best lotion in the world.
If it was the best lotion in the world,
it wouldn't do that to your face now, would it?
It doesn't do this to anybody else's face.
Well, you're sensitive.
You have sensitive skin, Stace.
You remember that lavender perfume you wanted for Christmas last year?
The one that made your neck all splotchy.
It's just me.
I have a bad face.
A stupid, ugly, bad face.
'Ey.
Enough o' that.
-Morning, girl.
Ah, look at me.
The Zippo Hand Warmer. Be--
You don't have to go under the knife
to achieve perfection.
Just use Alo Glo.
Transform yourself from ugly duckling to stunning swan,
starting at just 199.99.
Alo Glo can fix it all.
Call the number on your screen now.
Alo Glo is the only skincare product that transforms your body, mind, and soul.
Whether you want porcelain skin,
you want to turn heads, you want to fit in,
or just make sure those ladies at the bank never laugh at you again.
You know how they look at you.
Or should I say, how they don't look at you.
Let's fix it.
What the heck is happening?
Come on, Stacey.
Isn't this what you've always wanted?
Why be the odd duck out when you can join the flock?
Call the number on your screen now.
- Side effects may include… -This is crazy.
…change of mood, stiff joints, hallucinations, fear of intimacy,
internal emptiness, lack of ambition, lack of individualization,
lack of independent thought and opinion.
-You may experience… -What is this?
…activities previously considered pleasurable.
But it's all worth it.
This is so stupid!
What is this?
What's so funny, Stacey?
No, I… I'm not talking to the TV.
You're not talking to a TV. You're talking to me.
I can give you the brand-new you, and that's not all.
I can give you peace of mind.
I can get you a seat at the table.
Alo Glo can fix you, and that's a guarantee.
I see the Alo Glo right there on the table in front of you,
but I don't see you using it.
I already used it, and it didn't work. I mean, look at me. I'm all red.
Well, you have to use the whole bottle, and you're gonna need more.
You want a full body transformation, don't you?
Yeah, but… it stings. It's making me all itchy.
Of course it stings.
It hurts when it works.
Skin itches when it is healing.
The more it itches, the more healing it is doing.
You have a lot of healing to do, Stacey.
Just pick up the phone.
Think about it, Stacey.
It's such a shame to have to be you,
because you're not someone anyone wants to have around.
You're not someone anyone wants to see.
But soon, you will be the things you always dreamed of.
True acceptance, harmony, peace, and divinity.
All that stuff is a lie.
We all just wanna be good-looking.
So now step across to the other side,
step out of your skin, and into your Alo Glo.
Enter your credit card number.
Harnessing the power of retinol and peptides
that work deep within the dermal layer, promoting…
Thank you for your order.
We look forward to meeting the brand-new you.
…tells your body to make a new you.
Remember, it doesn't work if you don't use it.
Stace?
Did I hear a knock?
Hey, aren't you supposed to be at work?
I called in sick.
Oh.
Whoa, your face!
It's not that bad.
Yeah.
It looks pretty bad.
Mostly just itches now.
I don't think you should use that lotion anymore.
It's a process. It's healing when it itches.
You know how much money they make off all those creams
and powders and lotions?
All from making you think that there's somethin' wrong with you.
Something is wrong with me.
There's nothin' wrong with you.
Nothin' at all.
If there's somethin' wrong with you, well, there's somethin' wrong with me too.
No.
You're fine.
You'll always be fine. You wanna know why?
'Cause you're a man.
Men can be fat and hairy and ugly and impolite and old, and nobody cares.
Everybody likes you. Everybody wants to talk to you.
Yeah, well, I don't wanna talk to everyone.
I just wanna talk to you.
That's nice. Really great. 'Preciate it, honey.
But I am changing.
It is happening.
So please be supportive.
"Be… supportive."
That's what I said. I said, "Be supportive."
Hmm.
Just try not to scratch it, hon.
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He's an industrious mammal.
The beaver constantly repairing the leaks in his dam.
The ancient secrets of the mystic tarot foreshadow your future.
If you dare to discover your destiny, call 1-900-860-all ones now,
as noted author and numerologist--
Alo Glo is the only skincare product that transforms your body, mind, and soul.
Whether you want porcelain skin, you want to turn heads,
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What are you waiting for?
Make your dreams a reality.
It's quick. It's easy.
Invest in yourself.
Mm.
Sweetie.
You're scratchin'.
You're scratchin' in your sleep. You gotta stop.
Oh, it's getting really raw.
Stop.
He says it's working.
If it itches, it means it's working.
Mm-hmm.
Go downstairs and get the oven mitts.
Wear 'em to bed.
Yoo-hoo!
Hello?
Hello again, Stacey.
It's good to see you.
Come closer.
Closer.
Come, let me see your progress.
It's not much progress. Look, it's actually way worse.
Keith says that I'm allergic.
No, no, no. You're not allergic.
It's doing its job.
You need to let it grow.
Let what grow?
The new you.
But you have to trust me.
You have to trust the formula.
And I feel that maybe you don't… trust me.
No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, come back.
Hold on!
Please come back!
Hello?
-Hello?
You know what trust is, Stacey?
Yeah.
Give me your hand.
You know, you have to go all the way.
Any questions?
Will it hurt?
You tell me.
Does it hurt when they exclude you?
When they stare at you?
When they point and laugh and whisper?
Yeah.
You want to know what it feels like to be pretty?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Are you with me, Stacey?
-Yeah. -Yeah, you're with me.
-I'm with you. -You're with me. That's great.
-I'm with you. -That's great.
You are ready, Stacey. You're ready.
You're ready to harness the power of retinol and peptides.
Let it in, Stacey. It's already inside you.
What's inside me?
Your new life, the one you want.
It's already growing, right there,
under your skin.
It's under my skin?
Use more Alo Glo.
Mm.
Keith?
Mm?
Can you stay home from work tomorrow?
No. You know I can't do that.
Stace?
You home?
Stace?
You hungry?
Ah.
Ah!
Be one of the lucky callers--
That's it.
That's the way they…
Stace?
-You owe me six bits. - Wait a minute.
One-Eyed Jacks is on.
Honey?
I'll come down, but please don't say anything,
because I already know what you're gonna say.
Okay.
You get up, you big tub of guts.
¡Quítate tú o te mato a ti también!
¡Los mato! ¡Los mato esta vez!
It's healing.
It's not healing.
Hon, it's getting worse.
We gotta go see Dr. Sneider.
Oh, no, no, no. I… I feel fine. Really.
Yeah, it's… This is just part of the process.
It gets worse before it gets better.
It's not an allergic reaction like you thought.
That's the thing. It's… It's in my skin. It's growing.
-That's how it works. -Stacey.
-It's working. -Are you hearing yourself?
I can feel it working.
Why can't you just be excited for me, huh? You know, I…
This is what's gonna fix me.
It's transformative!
You don't need to be fixed.
You just don't understand how it works. There's peptides and retinol.
It's a groundbreaking patented six-ingredient formula.
Have you had anything to eat today, hon?
Huh?
Have a pig in a blanket.
Come on.
How'd it happen?
We took to scufflin',
and… he come out from behind there with that scattergun.
Yeah.
See?
That's better.
He was always askin' for it.
You… You gotta…
You gotta put your worries down sometimes.
Huh?
There's nothing wrong with you.
You are lovely.
Inside and out.
When you say "inside," it means I'm not lovely on the outside.
No, the…
You are.
It… You're lovely everywhere.
Then why do I want to take off all of my skin
and throw it in the garbage?!
-Where are you goin'? -I'm going downstairs!
You better not use more o' that stuff.
I mean it, Stace!
How'd you find me here?
What in the hell?
-I don't know how… -Are you kiddin' me?
What in the world has gotten into you?!
No.
I'm so excited.
I've never felt better.
-This isn't you, Stace. -You shouldn't judge people, Keith.
It's negative and mean.
I'll figure that out when…
No.
You… are Stacey Elizabeth Chapman.
You know what I love about you?
You love to watch scary movies.
Even though you're too scared to watch, 'cause then you can't sleep at night.
You're so smart.
You're so good at math.
And you love nature.
You love your taxidermy.
Hmm?
You're an artist.
When other people see a dead animal, you see somethin' special.
Somethin' beautiful.
You make it beautiful.
You're kind.
And funny.
And thoughtful.
And I think you're perfect.
That's what's wrong with you, Keith.
Enough!
You are gonna stop this nonsense right now.
You hear me?
It's just that you don't understand what is happening to me.
'Cause I'm tired, and I've had enough.
It's too late, Keith.
She's already here!
Who?
Who is here?
Once my transformation is complete…
Enough!
Okay, just calm down.
There's no transformation!
Okay. Okay.
It's just that…
you're not gonna change, are you?
And you don't want me to change either.
Do you?
I don't want you to change.
That's what I've been trying to tell you until I'm blue in the face.
-Dah! -Agh!
Ah…
Ah.
Ohhh. Oh.
Huh…
What the fuck, Stace?
Oh.
You stabbed me in the face.
How deep is it?
Huh?
Hon…
I'm sorry.
Should I pull it out?
I'm gonna pull it out.
Okay.
Ah.
-Oh, jeez. Oh. -Oh, I'm bleedin'.
Oh no. Oh no.
Is it bad?
Yeah, it's pretty bad, honey.
Oh.
It's on my… It's on my glasses.
Hon, this is… this is real bad.
This is real bad. I… I need a… I need a towel.
-Will you go get me a towel, hon? -Yeah.
Huh?
Okay.
Oh. I'll use my radio.
Yeah, okay.
Dispatch? Dispatch?
-Copy, Chapman, go ahead. This… I…
This is Officer Chapman.
I have a 10-33--
-Ah!
-Ah.
Please respond, Chapman.
-Oh. -Oh.
Line's open. Go ahead, Chapman, please.
-Ah. -Mm.
Agh.
-Somethin' fell on me, hon.
Line's open. Go ahead, Chapman.
-Agh. Huh.
Oh.
Dah!
Now let's see the kind of stuff you're made of.
Wha…
Huh.
Oh.
Ah.
Oh. Oh!
Ah. Oh!
Ahh!
Oh. Oh.
Ah.
Oh.
Oh! Oh!
Oh-ah!
Ah.
Oh!
Ah.
Oh.
Ah.
Look, look! Look, look, look!
Keith, look!
Look, look! I told you, look, look!
Look at me!
See?
Mmm.
Bye, hon. Have a great day.
No, no, you're not listening to me.
Okay? He needs a father that talks to him about what he's going through.
Yeah, 'cause that's a father's job.
Uh-huh! Yeah.
…gery and it went wrong.
-No! -Yeah.
Basically he doesn't have a dick anymore.
Tell me how you feel.
Yeah, no, it's not therapy. It's just…
Wh… What's wrong with Mr. Rogers?
You know what? Don't be so fucking primitive.
Oh, yes, you are.
Oh-ho.
Miss Chapman?!
Good morning, Ronnie.
-You look… sensational! -Oh, thank you.
-God! -Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Is that Stacey?
-I'll call you later. -You seeing what I'm seeing?
I don't know. What are you seeing?
That's what I just asked you.
Oh my God.
It's like when you're in the desert,
and, like, you're really hot and dehydrated,
and this thing appears before you--
-It's a mirage, it's a mirage. -It's like a mirage.
We're not in the desert, Jill.
She's an angel.
Oh, wow.
Hi, ladies.
Hi!
Oh my God, you smell so good. She smells so good.
-Wow. -It's so exciting!
-Oh my God, it's so exciting. -You look gorgeous.
Just unreal.
-It's not the way she regularly smells. -Ah.
This is just… so strange.
Stacey, hi.
Hi.
Hi, Gina.
Did you… get something done?
I sure did.
-I changed my hair. It's shorter. -Oh!
-Do you like it? -You look amazing.
-Mm, I do, don't I? -Yes.
Like, so amazing.
-Mmm. -How did you, um…
Um…
I mean, it's just… it's… it's… it's so…
-Different? -Different, yes, it's different.
It's different.
Yeah, I mean you look… really…
I look really…
what?
Tell me.
You look
really beautiful.
-Yeah. -Aw.
Thank you!
-Like, I mean, it's surreal. -So hard to…
You can look closer if you want.
Just get a really close look.
Okay.
Is this new?
No, I've always had it. Do you like it?
Yeah.
Hm. Mmm. Mm-hmm.
So, did you hear Donald Crenshaw got a DUI?
He drove his car into a snowbank.
Oh my God, his poor wife must be so embarrassed.
Please. She is no saint.
Yeah, no, Judy's a total lush, a day drinker.
Glug-glug. Oh yeah.
Always has schnapps on her breath when she's cashing her checks.
Secondhand schnapps.
Well, speaking of schnapps, we should all go to Giuseppe's for drinks.
Yeah! Happy hour!
They make the best gimlets.
-They do, yeah. -Yeah.
You're gonna love it, Stacey. They have a Cobb salad to die for.
I love Cobb salad.
Mmm.