1
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:09,277
Oh, Isaac, just
who I was looking for.
2
00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:10,511
I have something for you.
3
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,280
A gift for me?
Whatever for?
4
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:15,015
I just got the advance for your
biography from the publisher
5
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,285
and I wanted to give you
something to say thank you.
6
00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:18,752
Ooh, classy move, babe.
7
00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,455
Can I open it since
Isaac can't use his hands?
8
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,656
I know Jay's
offering to help,
9
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,325
but it feels like
he's rubbing it in.
10
00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,427
Oh...!
11
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,196
Nice, babe.
A scented candle.
12
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:29,930
Because they can smell.
13
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,699
Mm.
14
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,301
So how much was the advance?
15
00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,035
$20,000.
16
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,438
My God.
You could buy Delaware.
17
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,074
Okay, hold on, Sam,
you get $20,000
18
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,210
and all Isaac gets
is a candle?
19
00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:44,778
Which cost...?
$12.
20
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,080
Plus tax.
21
00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,216
Sasappis brings up
an interesting point.
22
00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:50,918
I am the subject of the book
and your collaborator.
23
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:54,222
Shouldn't I be entitled to
half the compensation?
24
00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:56,790
Isaac thinks we should split
the advance with him.
25
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,427
A ghost wants $10,000?
26
00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:01,462
I stand with Isaac.
27
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,097
You can't just
exploit his labor
28
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:05,699
and take all the profits
for yourself. Agreed.
29
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,835
He's not a child
in your iron foundry.
30
00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:10,271
I mean, none of this
would be happening
31
00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:11,505
if it weren't for Isaac.
32
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,073
Ooh, she's about to surrender.
33
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,742
Nigel, this must
take you back.
34
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:15,909
Okay, fine.
35
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,778
Isaac, we can
split the advance.
36
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,447
Huzzah!
37
00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,115
We haven't been on
a vacation in three years
38
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,717
but now
a ghost has $10,000.
39
00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,453
I can buy Rhode Island.
40
00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,827
Hello, Alberta.
41
00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:38,332
Okay, I know that
you're mad about the whole
42
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,634
"my son murdering you
and me not telling you
43
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,136
about it for
a hundred years,"
44
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,472
but, but... how long do you
intend to freeze me out?
45
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:45,706
Flower, can you please
tell Hetty
46
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,107
I'm still not talking to her?
47
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:50,944
Hetty, Alberta wants me to
tell you that--
48
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,213
Wait, I just had it.
49
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,414
Never mind.
50
00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,285
Hi.
Hi.
51
00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,220
I'm Sam,
can I help you?
52
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,521
I'm Kelsey Foster.
53
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,256
Okay, this is gonna sound
kind of weird,
54
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,992
but my mom was an exotic dancer
back in the '90s.
55
00:02:05,092 --> 00:02:06,394
I don't know
where this is headed,
56
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:07,628
but I like
the way it started.
57
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:08,862
Anyway, I only
recently found out
58
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,764
that she had
a sort of office romance
59
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,566
with a client named
David Woodstone.
60
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,001
That was my Uncle David.
61
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:16,704
And my boy.
Who dump your body
in lake.
62
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,206
Just that one time.
Yeah, well,
63
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,208
I think we're related
because your Uncle David
64
00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:23,211
knocked up my mom, and then
nine months later... ta-da.
65
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:25,145
Oh, my God!
Little family history,
66
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,714
"ta-da" is actually
what my mom used to yell
67
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,182
when she would take her top off onstage.
68
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:31,419
And I am now realizing
what exotic dancer means.
69
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:34,622
So nice to have that
in the gene pool.
This is amazing.
70
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:37,225
I can't believe this.
I hardly have any family.
71
00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,393
I know, I'm so excited.
You should totally stay.
72
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,094
We have some openings
this weekend.
73
00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:42,730
And it's on the house.
74
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,698
So, you own this place?
Yeah.
75
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,334
I inherited it
a couple years ago
76
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:49,136
from my Great Aunt Sophie,
who was actually David's mom.
77
00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:53,173
Which would make Sophie
this woman's grandmother.
78
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,242
Yeah.
79
00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,043
That's actually why I'm here.
80
00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,579
See, the thing is,
I'm actually more of a Woodstone
81
00:02:58,679 --> 00:02:59,980
than you are, turns out.
82
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,115
What are you saying?
83
00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,917
You seem really cool,
84
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,254
and I don't want this to affect
our relationship, but...
85
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:08,188
I think this house,
86
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,990
technically,
87
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,592
belongs to me.
88
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,528
Hetty and Alberta...
89
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,630
It's been a week
and the rift between you guys
90
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,131
is starting to
affect the whole house.
91
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:19,667
That's why we've
asked you here today.
92
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:20,934
In keeping with the bylaws
93
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,770
outlined in
the Woodstone Accords,
94
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:26,106
we've decided to
convene Ghost Court.
I'm sorry, Ghost Court?
95
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,775
When two or more ghosts
have a conflict
96
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,343
that there doesn't seem to
be a resolution for,
97
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:30,544
we convene a council
98
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,413
to agree on an
appropriate punishment
99
00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,814
so we can put
the matter behind us.
100
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,549
How wonderfully bureaucratic.
101
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:36,717
Is this really necessary?
102
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,085
Oh, it's necessary.
103
00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,754
It's time to pay the piper,
Hetty Woodstone.
104
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,657
Then it's official.
Ghost Court is in session.
105
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,826
Although, it is almost noon.
106
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,661
Should we figure out what
we're smelling for lunch first?
107
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,129
Great point, uh...
108
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,098
We smell lunch and then,
Ghost Court is in session.
109
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,268
Although, does an afternoon
start feel like
110
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:55,803
might get
a little bit sleepy?
111
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,137
Ah.
112
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,205
Hit the ground
running tomorrow. Great.
113
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,975
The wheels of justice
grind slowly.
114
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,911
So, what do we do here, Dan?
Well, look,
115
00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,646
if she's telling the truth,
she has a claim.
116
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,247
Now, that being said,
there's a lot scammers.
117
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,149
So, I'm gonna send
my DNA guy up there.
118
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,185
Absolute best in the biz.
Does all of Jeter's stuff.
119
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,554
Are you allowed to tell us that?
120
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,222
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Who's the lawyer now, Jay?
121
00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:17,090
Okay? I love it. I love you.
122
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:20,260
He remind me of guy I knew
who sold used longships. Okay.
123
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,562
Well, that's a relief.
124
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:22,563
So, you think it's
probably nothing?
125
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:23,797
Well, you know what? Look.
126
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,899
The only thing that does
give me pause is
127
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,701
our firm has been representing
128
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,537
the Woodstone family
for decades.
129
00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,071
And without
getting into details,
130
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:33,507
I do know that Davey Woodstone,
let's just say,
131
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:38,111
had... an enthusiasm for
exotic dancers.
132
00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,279
Yeah, he did.
133
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,515
Again, he dump
your body in lake.
134
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,051
Doesn't mean I can't be
proud of my bro.
135
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,386
Pizza oven.
136
00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:46,654
You got to use your money
to buy a pizza oven.
137
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:49,056
I've never been
overly fond of pizza.
138
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,792
Now a quail oven, though,
is that a thing?
139
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,994
You should donate the money.
Save the narwhals.
140
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,397
Screw that,
get a new water heater.
141
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:57,831
Let's party.
142
00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:00,401
Okay, thank you
for your suggestions,
143
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,769
but this is Isaac's money
144
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,103
and I think
he should spend it
145
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:04,171
as he sees fit.
146
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,539
Thank you, Nigel.
147
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,040
And the truth is,
148
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,076
I've already decided what
I'm spending the money on.
149
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,077
Oh.
150
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:11,445
A new daybed!
151
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,381
A new daybed?
152
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:16,049
I saw it in a catalog
for this emporium called
153
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,951
the Pottery Barn,
and I must have it.
154
00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:21,755
And this daybed would
presumably sleep just one?
155
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,324
Like your current daybed?
156
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,893
I mean, I guess so.
157
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,997
Mm. Well, that's
just lovely!
158
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,568
Okay, does anyone know
what that was about?
159
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:35,836
Isaac, don't you see?
160
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,805
This daybed
is not just a daybed.
161
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,641
It's a sign that you don't
want to get more serious.
162
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:41,875
I recently had
a girlfriend for a week,
163
00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,477
so I know what
I'm talking about.
164
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,179
I mean, I did just
ask Nigel to move in.
165
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,149
Yeah, to the mansion,
but not into your room.
166
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:52,620
And now by getting this
new bed that only sleeps one,
167
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,590
you're showing you're nowhere
near making a real commitment.
168
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,091
Which, honestly,
169
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,929
I respect as a "hit it
and quit it" kind of girl.
170
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,263
Oh, dear.
171
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,866
This money,
it's complicating everything.
172
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,835
I'd be better just
washing my hands of it.
173
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,202
Ironic.
174
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,838
If you'd washed your hands
250 years ago,
175
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,473
you wouldn't have
pooped yourself to death.
176
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:15,308
Thank you, Sass.
177
00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:16,977
Okay, so,
178
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,746
inside this
manila envelope
179
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,348
are the results
to Kelsey's DNA test.
180
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:22,683
What is DNA?
181
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:26,086
Stand for
deoxyribonucleic acid.
182
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,622
They explain on
O.J. Simpson episode of
183
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,957
How 'Bout Those Nineties.
184
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,525
I just want to say,
185
00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:34,662
no matter what happens, Sam,
we'll always be family.
186
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,396
Thank you, Kelsey.
187
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,566
But if this does
go my way,
188
00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:39,600
is the furniture included?
189
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:40,601
This was all here, right?
190
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:41,869
Absolutely.
191
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,003
Dude, whose lawyer are you?
192
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,237
Well, technically I represent
193
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:45,372
the Woodstone Estate.
194
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:46,907
So I guess... Hey-oh!
195
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,376
We're about to find out.
196
00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,144
God, it's like
an episode of Maury.
Who?
197
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:54,247
TV show host also from '90s
who reveal baby daddies
198
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,484
and send problematic teens
to boot camp.
199
00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:57,485
Oh, my.
200
00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,419
What? What is it?
201
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,754
Wow.
202
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,155
Oh, I mean, this is
frustrating for y'all,
203
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,825
but as an entertainer,
I respect his showmanship.
204
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,894
And the owner of
the mansion is...
205
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,567
Ooh, this guy's good.
206
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,868
She's in this room.
207
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,336
Dan!
It's Kelsey, I'm sorry.
208
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,538
It's Kelsey, it's Kelsey.
209
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:20,774
Congratulations.
210
00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,114
I can't believe this.
I finally get a cousin,
211
00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:29,382
and one day later,
she's taking the house from us?
212
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,318
What about us?
We're going to lose you.
213
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,853
Just when we finally
got a Living
214
00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,888
who can serve us...
215
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,824
See us. See us.
216
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,492
Thor and I have a plan.
217
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,793
You push Kelsey
down the stairs.
218
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,629
Either she dies
and your problem is solved,
219
00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:43,497
or she can see ghosts,
and then our problem is solved.
220
00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:45,833
Though we will miss you.
221
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,367
Even though we now have
Kelsey to help us.
222
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,570
Okay, interesting development.
223
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,171
Dan says Kelsey is
willing to pay us
224
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,674
a settlement to avoid
dragging things out in court.
225
00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,976
Way less than what
the house is worth,
226
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,244
but at least we'd get something.
227
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,846
I can't believe
this is happening.
228
00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:00,981
Yeah, it's like the weirdest
butterfly effect ever.
229
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,751
Some '90s douche finance bro
falls in love with a dancer
230
00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,753
at Scores and now
we're out of a house.
231
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:08,989
Wait, what did he say?
Get over it, Trevor,
you were all douches.
232
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,558
No. No, no, no.
Scores?
233
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:12,726
Woodstone wouldn't
have been at Scores.
234
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,361
He got banned from there
when he tried to get
235
00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:15,996
autographs from Gary Dell'Abate
and Jeff the Drunk.
236
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,265
Jeff the Drunk?
From the Wack Pack?
237
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,833
We got a Howard Stern fan
in the house?
238
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,301
Okay, so the ban
happened in like...
239
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:22,536
Baba Booey.
Jay, please,
240
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,237
I'm getting important
information here.
241
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,606
Trevor's saying that
242
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:26,707
David Woodstone was
banned from Scores.
243
00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,576
So, what are we saying here?
244
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,744
That David Woodstone
isn't actually the father?
245
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,479
But how would
we prove that?
246
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:35,783
Short of asking the ghost
of David Woodstone himself--
247
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,918
Oh, right.
That's what we should do.
248
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,152
I wonder where he died.
249
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,654
Do we think perhaps Kelsey
250
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,956
might spring for the upgraded
cable television package?
251
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,157
I'm sorry,
252
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,325
but we must emotionally
gird ourselves
253
00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,060
for a Sam-free future. Okay.
254
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,129
According to his obituary,
255
00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,931
he died in Upstate New York
256
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,800
at a gentlemen's club.
257
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,769
Ooh, gentlemen's club.
That sounds classy.
258
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,606
Just hope he didn't get
sucked off.
259
00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,475
Ugh. Of course this
is where he died.
260
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,877
This place is so depressing.
261
00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:06,179
I've seen more depressing.
262
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:09,416
On TV. I've never been
to a strip club.
263
00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:12,419
Check it out, Schmitty,
new talent.
264
00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:13,787
Excuse me?
265
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,790
W-Wait...
Are you a ghost?
266
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,627
No. Are you
David Woodstone?
267
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:20,761
Uh-huh.
268
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,996
I'm your descendent.
We're related.
269
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,166
You mean, he's
actually here?
It would appear so.
270
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,101
Wow, we're so lucky
he didn't go up to heaven.
271
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,971
This isn't heaven?
272
00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,041
In summation,
273
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:37,544
for a hundred years, Hetty's
been pretending to be my friend.
274
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:40,047
Withholding the truth
about how I died.
275
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,849
This was a century
276
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,583
of betrayal.
277
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:44,885
And I hope this court
remembers that
278
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,519
when it comes
time to sentence her.
279
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,089
Hetty, do you deny
these charges?
280
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,091
I do not.
281
00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,393
But I ask that the court
282
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,562
consider the following.
283
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:59,499
The Hetty of a hundred
years ago stayed silent
284
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,068
for many reasons.
285
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:04,404
But the Hetty that stands
before you today did not.
286
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,007
Thanks to women
like Alberta and Flower
287
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,342
and Samantha
and a washing machine,
288
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,679
I have changed. Aw.
289
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,847
In my time, women
were competition.
290
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,716
But I now know
that they are friends.
291
00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:16,984
And I couldn't sit back
292
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,752
and let my friend
Alberta believe
293
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,721
her sister had killed her,
no matter the cost to me.
294
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,956
And I know that may not
change the way you feel...
295
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,326
...but I am deeply
sorry, Alberta.
296
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,195
Wow.
297
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,698
Not sure how the washing machine
got mixed up in all that,
298
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,065
but still I was moved.
299
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,234
The washing machine
gave her an orgasm.
300
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,203
Oh, cheese and crackers.
301
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:37,838
Now, Alberta, you have a choice.
302
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:40,207
You can accept
Hetty's apology,
303
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,474
put this matter behind us,
304
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,043
house harmony restored.
305
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,845
Or we can move
to the punishment phase.
306
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,980
Punishment phase.
Are you sure?
307
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,682
You can take some time
to think about it.
308
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:51,284
Punishment phase.
Your girl wants blood.
309
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,922
I'm just vexed
by this Nigel situation.
310
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,157
Moving in together
as a ghost is different
311
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,926
than moving in
together as a Living.
312
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,694
The stakes are
much higher.
313
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,429
I mean, what if
things go south?
314
00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:05,498
I will be heartbroken
for eternity.
315
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:09,069
Taking chance at love
always carry risk.
316
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,504
Like when I catch
Danish man with cousin.
317
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,174
We disembowel the Dane
and force him to march
318
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,409
until entrails wrap around tree.
319
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,179
Okay.
For him,
320
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,680
risk not work out.
321
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:23,316
But sometimes risk do work out.
322
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,684
Like with Thor and Flower.
323
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,219
Isaac,
324
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,821
relationships are
like sharks.
325
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:30,690
Either they move forward
or they die.
326
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,492
That's from
a Woody Allen movie.
327
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,494
And that guy knows relationships.
328
00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,563
Did you ever move in
with anyone?
329
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,733
Almost. Once.
330
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,368
She wanted to
get engaged first.
331
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,036
She wanted that commitment.
332
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,672
I was only in my 30s,
had my whole life ahead of me.
333
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,341
I thought.
334
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:51,912
Very funny, because actually
die soon after.
335
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,850
You two have been very helpful.
336
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,822
Hmm. Strip club sushi.
337
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:04,591
It shouldn't look good.
But it does.
338
00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:06,293
That's what
I thought, man.
339
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,195
Before it killed me.
340
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:09,729
So, this chick just
shows up out of the blue
341
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,032
and says
she's my daughter?
Pretty much.
342
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:13,600
But there's something
off about her story.
343
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:14,701
How old is she?
344
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,369
She was born in '97.
345
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,405
No, she can't be mine.
346
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,073
I've been
shooting blanks since '93.
347
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:23,076
Oh, okay.
What happened in '93?
348
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,578
I dipped my balls into
a scalding hot coffee pot.
349
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,216
Why?
350
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:30,884
Uh, my boy Ari said
that I wouldn't, so...
351
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:34,221
Freaking love that guy.
Okay, this is huge.
352
00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,857
So she definitely
can't be your kid.
353
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,658
No.
Uh, excuse me.
354
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,560
You might want to
tell your husband
355
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,462
that sushi was on top of
a stripper last night
356
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:43,763
at a bachelor party.
357
00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,966
Babe, they got
all-you-can-eat sushi.
358
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:48,635
It's better than you'd think.
359
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:54,808
Matters are on my mind,
360
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,010
and we must speak.
Let me get right to it.
361
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,678
Nigel, it seems apparent
362
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,948
that you wish for us
to move in together.
363
00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:04,384
You read my storm-out
correctly, Captain Higgintoot.
364
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:05,752
I don't know
how else to say this,
365
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,454
but I fear that
our relationship is not
366
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:08,889
at the stage in which
I would feel
367
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,690
comfortable cohabitating.
368
00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,426
I see.
369
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:17,530
So let's take our
relationship to that stage.
370
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,566
I'm sorry?
371
00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,803
Now it is I who gasp.
372
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,172
Nigel...
373
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,773
Yes, Isaac?
374
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,442
Will you make me
375
00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:33,480
the happiest ghost
on the entire property?
376
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:34,714
No.
377
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,249
I will make you
the second happiest.
378
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:39,786
Get up so I can look
my fiancé in the eye.
379
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,654
Oh, my only regret is
that I lack the ability
380
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,991
to physically place
a ring on this finger.
381
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:47,794
You've already embedded a shiny
metal object deep in my heart.
382
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,563
You're referring to the bullet
I killed you with.
383
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,265
Or, as Samantha would say,
384
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,366
our meet cute.
385
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:57,237
So, we can move in
together now?
386
00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,638
My fiancé?
387
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,473
Absolutely.
388
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,609
Oh, and I'll ask Samantha
if we can just use
389
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:04,411
one of the extra
guest rooms.
390
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,313
If she says no, I'll tell her
she's being homophobic.
391
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:07,714
It gets stuff done.
392
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,983
And perhaps we can use
that money of yours
393
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,952
to buy a king-sized bed.
394
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,353
That might be nice.
395
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,521
Yeah, nothing better
than a king.
396
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,589
Oh, I see what
you did there.
397
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,725
It's hard to beat me
in a battle of wits.
398
00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,561
Well, a battle of armies
on the other hand...
399
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,463
We will have fun.
400
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,665
We've reached a verdict.
401
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,068
Henrietta Woodstone,
for your crimes,
402
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:31,104
you are hereby sentenced
to banishment in the woods
403
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,805
for a period of one year.
404
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,641
A year?
405
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:37,510
Thor only got three days
for chopping Peter in half.
406
00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,546
Ended up staying entire week.
407
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:43,116
Bonded with family of beetles
that taught me life lessons.
408
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,019
Wow. A year.
Y'all don't mess around.
409
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,988
It is quite harsh.
410
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,391
But I accept my fate.
411
00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,394
And do not worry about me.
412
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,363
When the weather turns
I shall take shelter
413
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,999
in the old outhouse
we reserved for the help
414
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,500
and foreign-born guests.
415
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,534
Hey, guys.
416
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:02,970
Did you hear the big news?
417
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,771
Isaac and Nigel
are engaged.
418
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,640
What?
Yes.
419
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,342
They're moving in together,
the whole megillah.
420
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,178
That's incredible.
We should all celebrate
421
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,779
after Thor dumps Hetty
in the woods.
422
00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:13,880
Wait, what?
423
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,183
She's been convicted
by the Ghost Court.
424
00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:17,417
Thor, take her away.
425
00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:18,986
Can't it just wait
a moment?
426
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:21,588
I would like to take part
in the celebrations.
427
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:24,024
You celebrate with
beetle friends now.
428
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,727
Wait.
429
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:29,729
Uh...
430
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,531
So, like...
431
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:35,202
can I still meet up
with Hetty for our daily walks?
432
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:36,536
Yeah, that's not really
433
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,338
how the whole
banishment thing works.
434
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,739
What about conjugal visits?
435
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:44,544
Not in this situation, obviously.
436
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:45,912
But if I ever get banished
437
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:48,015
and there's a Swedish
bikini team ghost
438
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,150
that I'm schtupping?
439
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,651
There is no
outside contact allowed.
440
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:55,422
So like, I can't even
watch TV with her sometimes?
441
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,724
Who am I gonna make
my naughty Momoa comments to?
442
00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,293
I'm around and ready to
objectify that man.
443
00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:01,594
It's not the same.
444
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,763
You said you wanted her
punished, Alberta.
445
00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:04,897
I think.
446
00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,466
Sometimes I hear things. Yeah.
447
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,868
But I don't want to go
a whole year without...
448
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,003
my friend.
449
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:13,040
Well, you could forgive her.
450
00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,875
That would allow the court
to vacate her sentence.
451
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:20,080
Okay, I might be able to
forgive you, Hetty.
452
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,715
But I want something if you're
going to stay in this house.
453
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:23,850
Anything.
454
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:26,919
Well, if Isaac's moving in
with Nigel,
455
00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,122
then you've got that big
room all to yourself.
456
00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:32,225
So how about I get your room,
and you move in with Flower?
457
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,593
New roomie?
458
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:36,829
I'm gonna braid your hair
while you're sleeping.
459
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:39,299
Well, what's it
gonna be, Hetty?
460
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:40,867
Flower or the woods?
461
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,870
If I could just see if
the outhouse still has a roof.
462
00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:45,205
Seriously?
Fine.
463
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:48,341
Fine.
Thank you, Alberta.
464
00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:50,743
I truly am sorry.
465
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,179
I know.
466
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:54,581
And it's a good thing you've
embraced female friendships
467
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:57,217
'cause you're going to get
a lot of practice with Flower.
468
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:58,518
Oh, oh, oh...
469
00:16:58,618 --> 00:16:59,986
Do you want to be
the engine or the caboose
470
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,221
in the massage train?
471
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:02,689
It just doesn't even
make any sense.
472
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,324
There's only
the two of us.
473
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,793
Not every conversation
has to make sense.
474
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,861
We're gonna have
so much fun!
475
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:10,663
Yay!
476
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:13,066
Ooh, God.
477
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,535
So he was shooting blanks?
478
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,869
That makes so much sense!
479
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:18,405
That's why he was always
raw-dogging it.
480
00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:22,075
A life without consequences.
481
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,543
What a gift.
482
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:26,779
So, how he die
in strip club?
483
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,282
I like to say I died
in a motorboating accident.
484
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:33,353
I had an aneurism with my head
pressed between two boobs.
485
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,755
I didn't ask.
486
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,425
So, you wanted to talk
about my offer?
487
00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:40,260
Yeah, uh, we did.
488
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,463
We just thought before
we make our final decision,
489
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,332
we want to do
another DNA test,
490
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,433
just to be sure.
491
00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,735
Okay, why?
492
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,337
Because we've recently
uncovered evidence
493
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:53,072
that suggests
David Woodstone was sterile.
494
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:54,807
We're not accusing you
of anything.
495
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,443
We just want you to
take another test
496
00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,010
from a different company.
497
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:01,314
Dan, what should I do?
498
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,749
Why is she asking him?
499
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,617
Why is she asking you?
500
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,819
I have no idea.
Dan, you said
this would work.
501
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,122
Okay, clearly,
this woman is having
502
00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,224
some sort of
a mental breakdown.
No, I'm not.
503
00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:12,659
He said he'd give
me $10,000
504
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,461
if I pretended to be
your cousin.
What?!
505
00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:15,828
Dan, you were in
on this?
506
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,130
No!
Yes!
507
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,498
Normally, I would stand up
and confront you,
508
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,433
but I ate strip club
sushi, and...
509
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,569
my stomach's not feeling
so good right now.
510
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,172
So, why don't you tell us
what's going on?
511
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,240
Okay, you know what?
Fine.
512
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,209
Recently,
I was contacted
513
00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,478
by a major hotel chain with
an offer to buy your home
514
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:33,580
for way over market value.
515
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,782
Simultaneously,
the New York Knicks
516
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:38,050
have been blowing some very
large second half leads.
517
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,553
Yeah, they're resting their
starters, it's driving me nuts.
518
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:43,256
But that is not what we're
talking about right now.
519
00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,192
So, you were trying to trick us
into selling you our house
520
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,460
for basically nothing
so you could turn it around
521
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,828
and sell it at a huge profit,
522
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,997
all to pay off
some gambling debts?
523
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:52,165
Well summarized, babe.
524
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,167
That's all water under
the bridge, okay?
525
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,502
What is important is,
526
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:58,037
there is a very substantial
offer on the table
527
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,273
for your house
from the Four Seasons.
528
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:01,841
Now, look.
529
00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,010
There is no one better
to help you navigate
530
00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,145
that tricky sale
than your man Dan.
531
00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:08,348
No!
Get out of our house!
532
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:09,549
Both of youse.
533
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,783
When you say,
"Get out of our house,"
534
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,385
do you mean after
my free weekend stay?
535
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,153
Just go!
536
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,490
I'd walk you to the door,
but I am afraid to stand up.
537
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,764
Thank you for coming with me
538
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:27,033
to get Pepto Bismol.
You're welcome.
539
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:29,769
I can't believe
we almost lost the house.
But we didn't, babe.
540
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,938
Your dead uncle dipped
his balls in a pot of coffee
541
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:34,807
and everything
turned out fine.
Yeah, that's true.
542
00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,676
It was scary though. Yeah.
543
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,245
And just to be clear,
544
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:39,979
we're not gonna take the offer
from the Four Seasons?
545
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,382
Come on, we could
never leave the ghosts. Yeah.
546
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,352
I love those stupid
invisible bastards.
547
00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:47,287
Think about how much
our lives have changed
548
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:48,888
in these past two years.
549
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:52,925
Each one of the ghosts has come
to mean so much to me.
550
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,727
I never had a lot of family.
551
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,763
But the truth is,
552
00:19:56,863 --> 00:20:00,099
these days we're
surrounded by family.
553
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,534
And yes, they can be frustrating
554
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,036
and demanding and childish.
555
00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:07,039
But I've also seen them grow.
556
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:10,277
Seen them be loving and giving
557
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,245
and sweet.
558
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,514
And the thing is,
559
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:16,549
for as much as we help them,
560
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,951
they've made our lives
so much richer.
561
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:23,155
Not in the financial
sense, but sure.
562
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,392
I just can't imagine
not having them around.
563
00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,594
Yeah, I feel
the same way.
564
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:28,595
I mean...
565
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,663
Oh, my God.
566
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:31,831
What?
567
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,502
I think one of the ghosts
just got sucked off.
568
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:37,169
What? Who?
569
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,238
I have no idea.
570
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:42,309
I hope it's Trevor.
571
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,484
Captioning sponsored by CBS
572
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,287
and TOYOTA.
573
00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:57,824
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org