(applause, cheering, whooping)
(jazz song ends)
Where the hell is Clara? Ray?
Ray, where the hell is Clara? She's up next!
Nobody's seen her, boss. I-I don't... Oh, God.
You. I'm desperate here. Can you fill in tonight?
Oh, me? In the spotlight?
I don't know. Fine. How about you?
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. My turn.
Sorry, Sally.
ANNOUNCER: Up next, Clara Brown and the Uptown Gals!
(applause)
Good evening, Harlem.
Unfortunately, Clara couldn't make it. Huh.
But I'm Alberta Haynes,
and I'll be taking care of y'all tonight.
♪ Once I lived a life of a millionaire ♪
♪ Spending my money, I didn't care ♪
♪ Carried my friends out for a good time ♪
♪ Buying bootleg liquor, ha! ♪
♪ Champagne and wine... ♪
Damn! The pipes on this broad!
♪ So low * (applause and cheering)
♪ I didn't have a friend, and no place to go ♪
♪ But if I ever get my hands on a dollar again ♪
♪ I'm gonna hold on to it till them eagles grin. ♪
MAN: Later that day,
Lauren entered her apartment.
Meanwhile, her sister's dead body was lying
in the adjacent room.
It's the husband, right? He's got to be the killer.
Pete thinks it was the husband.
No way.
Says the husband.
Hey, what's shaking?
We're listening to a podcast.
Ooh. What's a podcast?
A podcast is like a...
like a TV show but without the pictures.
Baby, that's called radio.
What you're describing is radio.
This delves into the murder of a woman named Hailey,
which is especially sad because all Haileys are crazy hot.
PETE: Sam,
you should do a podcast about Alberta's murder.
Pete, that's a great idea.
Always thinking of you.
I mean, not always. I have other interests, too.
Not that you're an interest. Would someone else please talk?
The ghosts think that I should start a podcast
about Alberta's murder.
A murder pod where you have access
to the actual victim?
I love it. Yes!
Plus, it could be drum up publicity for the B and B.
You know what? I could pitch it to the Ulster County Review.
They do podcasts.
Oh, speaking of podcasts, can we finish
listening to this one? Nice segue.
Little did Hailey know
that would be her last trip to the Pilates studio.
TREVOR: A Hailey who did Pilates.
This story just got even more tragic.
ALBERTA: Now, be sure to mention I was a famous singer.
Yes, obviously, Alberta. That's all part of the pitch.
Ooh, I can't believe
I'm gonna be on a podcast!
Whatever that is. Okay, bye.
HETTY: Excuse me.
But how many times must I bring up the washing machine?
It continues to make a racket that has ruined my slumber.
Yeah. I know. It's broken.
Jay said he called about it this morning.
Jay lying. He play video games all morning.
The one with the red little
Italy man and his green little Italy brother.
Seriously?
Thor! Don't be a rat.
In the world I come from, there was nothing worse.
Yeah, we did some shady stuff, but we had a code.
A code you did not break.
It's what inspired my hit song "Don't Be a Rat."
♪ Hey, they'll flip on you just like that ♪
♪ There's nothin' worse than a low-down rat... ♪
No! Last time you sing, song got stuck
in Thorfinn's head for many moons!
ALBERTA: Okay, whatever. The point is, there's nothing
lower than a rat.
What about ground rat walk on? Yes!
Thor win mind fight.
SAMANTHA: So, what do you think?
Well, I mean, murder, mobsters, jazz.
You got everything.
And this Alberta-- she seems like a big personality.
Oh, yeah. (laughs)
She can be a lot.
Could... be a lot, is what I've uncovered from my research.
And she died in the house that you're currently living in?
I mean, that's a hook!
Right? I think it could be great.
So, do you have an expert lined up?
Well, I'm sort of an Alberta expert myself.
No, no, no, no. You need an expert.
You're the journalist. You need a cohost
you can talk to about the subject.
Ooh. How about this guy?
Todd?
It's Alberta's toenail.
Why? Maybe I could one day
make an Alberta from just a little bit of nail.
What is wrong with you, Todd?
"Todd Pearlman, curator
of the Alberta Haynes Museum in Altoona, Pennsylvania."
Yeah. Uh, the thing is, I've actually met him.
Wow, you know him? That's fantastic.
Oh, my God. He has over 100,000 followers.
That's a built-in audience right there. (laughs)
Yeah, but how do I put this?
He's... a little off.
He's got, like, a-a giant tattoo of Alberta's face on his back.
The guy's kind of a stalker.
Sam, someone who stalks a dead person is called a historian.
He's weird, Lewis.
I don't know how else to say this. He's very weird.
Look, at the end of the day, this podcast is your baby.
But if you want to do it at the Ulster County Review,
then I will leave you with this.
No Todd, no pod.
(sighs)
(loud rattling)
You shut up! You shut up right now!
Oh, hey, Hetty.
You yelling at the washing machine? That's cool.
This vile contraption will not let me nap.
How is this progress?
In my day, the washer never made a peep.
In fact, I'm not sure I ever heard Helen say anything at all.
(gasps)
Oh, thank God!
Oh, Jay, I know you can't hear me,
but thank you very much indeed.
-(rattling resumes) - No, Jay!
No!
Come back and push the button.
You know, there is an upside
to a broken washing machine.
What could possibly be good
about this deafening monstrosity?
Sit on it.
Sit on it? Yes.
Why would I ever do something like that?
Just trust me.
Fine, I will indulge you
if for no other reason than to end
this conversation.
Oh, my.
I'll leave you two alone.
(singsongy): Oh...
Ah...
Oh...
Oh.
So...
how'd the meeting go?
Well, he really liked the idea.
That's incredible! Yes!
He did have one thought, though.
He suggested that I have a cohost.
And more specifically...
that that cohost be Todd Pearlman.
What?!
You mean Creepy Todd?
My psychopath stalker?
Oh, the freak that collects Alberta's toenails.
He was sort of emphatic.
He said, "No Todd, no pod."
And you said, "No pod," right, Sam?
Look at me.
Tell me you said, "No pod."
Why won't she make eye contact with me?
Well, I... (doorbell rings)
Oh, no.
I got here as fast as I could.
Oh, Sam, what did you do?
I brought you a little gift in honor
of the official opening of the B and B.
That is sweet.
Sweet? It's probably one of my baby teeth.
Oh, yay, this guy.
Here you go.
Oh.
It's your self-published book
on Alberta. I really enjoyed doing it.
I'm thinking about writing other things.
Manifestos, ransom notes.
I actually have a bunch of stuff from the museum
out in my car. ISAAC: Right.
The museum he runs from his mother's garage.
Research, files, artifacts.
I thought they would be useful for the podcast.
Mm-mm, thank you, no pod, no Todd.
We're not doing no podcast no more, Sam.
Great. Jay and I will help you bring it in.
Thanks, I had to clear a bunch of space in the garage anyway,
because my mom's boyfriend Kyle needed
a place to store his bowling stuff.
It's like each word is sadder than the last.
(door closes)
I can't believe this. Creepy Todd back in my life.
Alberta?
Bertie, sweetie, you've just got to relax.
Excuse me? It's all good.
ISAAC: Hetty, are you ill?
Can we, can we get ill?
Well, if you're referring to my relaxed demeanor,
it may have something to do
with a magical encounter I had recently
with the washing machine.
What happened with the washing machine?
No one knows, Peter, it's simply
one of the magical mysteries of the universe.
Wait.
Hetty, do you really not know
what was happening on the washing machine?
Not a clue. It was making you aroused.
Oh, yes.
Sexually. What?!
Mm-hmm. Oh...
Well...
I will certainly...
not be doing that again.
Please, please look away.
What's this old piece of furniture?
Oh, be careful. That, my friend,
is an end table that belonged
to Alberta herself. Oh.
SAMANTHA: Wow, is this a picture
of Alberta when she was a little girl?
Oh, that's actually a thing I did online
where I put her and my pictures together and it shows
what our kid would look like.
(groans) Sam, I beg you, stop asking questions.
Pretty cute.
Holy crap, that's my table.
There's a false bottom.
Sam, you tell him to stop messing with that right now.
Maybe we shouldn't mess with that.
You know, just 'cause it's an antique.
What is that? JAY: Some kind of old book.
That's nothing. Don't look at that!
Oh, my God!
It's Alberta's diary.
Whoa. Twist of plot.
Diaries are personal,
so keep your looky-loo hands off it.
Maybe we should just respect Alberta's privacy.
Are you joking?
What are we even doing this podcast
for, if not to take advantage
of something like this?
What a find!
Sam, you have to get that back.
There's something in there that can't get out.
Alberta says there's something in there that can't get out.
Come on, what could be that bad? She's always bragging
about hiding bodies and bootlegging.
All that stuff's nothing compared to this.
So what is it? What's in the diary?
Trust me, you don't want to know.
I mean, now I definitely want to know.
Yeah.
Come on, Hetty, you can do this.
Clean thoughts, clean thoughts.
Clean, clean, clean... laundry,
washing machine. Damn it.
Has he gotten to the juicy part yet?
No. Todd's kind of a slow reader.
We finished this page two minutes ago, Todd.
Let's go.
Wait.
Should we be feeling a slight moral quandary
about delving into Alberta's personal writings?
I mean, diaries are supposed to be...
private.
(sputters)
On the other hand... Yes?
Todd is going to find out
whatever secret it is she doesn't want us to know.
At which point Alberta will no doubt need our support.
So in a way it'll be better
that we're up to speed.
So we should keep snooping.
For Alberta.
Oh, my God, I think he's turning the page. Yes, yes, yes!
Oh, thank God. Do it, do it, do it!
No! Damn it, Todd!
Come on! Come on, man, come on!
You wrote a book, read one! Please!
Alberta's really torn up about this whole diary thing, Jay.
Look, I can try to take it from him,
but I don't think the Hulk could pry it from Todd's hands.
It's, like, his Ark of the Covenant.
His what? BOTH: Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Would you just die already so we can be best friends?
Look, I'm sorry for what happened.
But, honestly, we're all gonna find out.
So maybe you should just tell us in your own words.
Oh, fine.
Remember the story of how I got my big break?
A real underdog story. I love underdogs.
Not that I'm saying I love you.
W-Would someone else talk, please?
The headliner Clara Brown didn't show,
so they asked me to perform in her place.
What I never told y'all was the real reason
Clara was a no-show that night.
It was 'cause she got arrested and spent a night in jail.
And the reason she was arrested
was because...
I ratted her out.
(gasps)
You want to tell me what that gasp means or wait till later?
Later. Okay.
Catch up then.
Oh! I'm a rat, y'all!
A rat!
♪ Nothin' worse ♪
♪ Than a low-down rat. ♪
Sorry.
What's all the commotion?
Did I miss a gasp?
Alberta is rat, which is ironic
because she give Thor trouble about being rat earlier.
Irony he gets, yet cars are still landships.
This is all your fault, Sam.
If you hadn't brought Todd back, no one would have found
the diary and none of this would be happening.
Okay, no, I-I played a role in it.
But, honestly, wasn't the podcast, like, Pete's idea?
It's kind of all his fault. What are you doing, Sam?
And just so you know, Pete agrees with me...
Girl!
I forgot you could see him.
Now the whole world's gonna find out I'm a fraud.
All my fans.
Let down by their one true god.
Even in despair, she retains a healthy ego.
Alberta, you're looking at this through the lens of your era.
I don't think people will be as bothered
by this as you worry they are.
So you don't think my fans will think less of me?
Your fans love you.
One little incident's not gonna change anything.
Oh, my God!
This is not gonna be super helpful.
Alberta was a rat.
(gasps) SAMANTHA: I mean, Todd,
not that I am familiar yet with what you're talking about,
but, honestly, I'm sure it wasn't, like, a big deal.
No big deal? (stammers)
She went against the entire code that she lived by.
I've dedicated my entire adult life
to the study and appreciation of this woman.
But now...
I'm not even sure I know who she is.
ALBERTA: Oh, my God.
I've lost Todd.
HETTY: Uh, Flower?
I have something
that I am ashamed
to admit, but I feel I must.
A short time ago, I succumbed
to my demons and I sat
on the washing machine again.
Hetty, it's... it's okay.
No, it's not okay.
It's weak, it's immoral.
It's your body, isn't it?
I mean, you're in charge of it, right?
You mean since my husband passed away?
No!
Since always, man!
Look, being ashamed of female pleasure
was just some BS thing that men
thought up to control women.
There is nothing wrong
with feeling good, Hetty.
And you don't need a man's permission.
But we still need men
to design and manufacture the washing machines.
No, women can do that, too.
Heavens to Betsy!
(both laugh)
Oh, what a time to be alive.
I mean, you know what I mean.
Hey, Alberta, we just, uh, wanted to come check on you.
Don't you see, if Todd reacted that way,
then everyone who listens to the podcast
is gonna turn against me. (sighs)
And they'd be right to. Wait, if ratting out Clara was
so against everything you believed in,
then why'd you do it?
Things weren't easy for a woman my size back then.
Sure, we had Ma Rainey and Bessie Smith,
but that didn't mean that was
what the club owners were looking for.
(exhales)
And I was tired of being overlooked.
♪ Nobody knows you when you're down ♪
♪ And out, I mean, when you're down and out. ♪
All right.
The gig is yours.
Oh, yes! The Alberta era has begun.
Not you. Her.
Her?
Well, look at her.
She's a star, baby.
I guess you just don't have what I do, hon. (chuckles)
I agreed to stay on as one of Clara's backup singers,
hoping someday my talent would win out.
For two years, I watched onstage
as someone less deserving lived my dream right in front of me.
That must have been so hard.
ALBERTA: It was.
One day I decided...
I wasn't gonna take it no more.
I knew Clara dabbled in bootlegging.
Mostly 'cause I dabbled in bootlegging.
And so I dropped a dime on her.
And became a rat.
Alberta, you were in a really unfair situation.
And, honestly, that Clara chick kind of sounds like she sucks.
Smug little floozie couldn't even hit a high C.
Oh, from my barbershop quartet days
I recognize that as quite the burn.
SAMANTHA: You know that that story
makes what you did completely understandable, right?
And why didn't you tell us before?
'Cause it's not easy for me to be...
vulnerable.
I mean, people see me as this super-confident diva.
But the truth is, that's an armor I wear.
I struggle like everyone else.
But I don't let that show.
I need to be my loudest fan.
'Cause God knows there's always been plenty of folks
trying to tear me down. Okay, I didn't even think
this was possible, but this makes me love you even more.
Agreed. Yep.
Seriously?
And I'm pretty sure your fans would think so, too.
I mean, jazz legend who has insecurities just like me?
I'm on board. Stars-- they're just like us.
You're saying this makes me relatable?
Oh, yeah. Like that Jason Momoa spread
in that magazine where he's shopping for shoelaces?
You're saying I'm the female Momoa?
Oh, yeah, we're saying it.
Oh, what the hell? Sam, you fire up that podcast.
We got a public to inspire.
I'm coming for you, regular joes.
Alberta's gonna inject some hope into your dreary lives.
Is she going too far? Let her have it.
Oh, your one true god is now relatable.
(laughing)
SAMANATHA: So, perhaps,
Alberta's motivations were more complicated than they seem.
If your theory is correct,
Alberta wasn't just a tremendous talent.
She was also a crusader against unfair body standards,
which, honestly,
only makes me more impressed by her.
Yes! I got Todd back!
And makes my desire to clone her even greater.
What? Congratulations.
(groans)
You know, it's interesting, Todd.
If Alberta were here, I feel like
she'd probably be pretty grateful
this whole rat story came to light.
She might even
call me a hero for inviting you over
and discovering the diary.
Okay, girl. Calm down.
Look at Clara.
She kind of does looks mean, doesn't she?
Gadzooks, I know that woman.
What are you talking about? Oh, yeah.
She was here the night Alberta performed at the mansion.
The night I was murdered? Are you sure?
Yeah, she was wearing this really big hat.
ISAAC: Oh, yes.
Do you know what this means?
We have our very first suspect.
(all gasping)
Oh, great gasp, everyone. Bravo.
Are you okay?
I asked you a question, and you just spaced out.
You do that a lot.
Well, you picked a good one.
What is this? What's happening?
Yeah. I mean, the last one made such a racket.
What? No. No. The last one was fine.
Well, this bad boy's the quietest in the market.
No! Put it down! Put it down this instant!
Jay! Who are you to play God?
Goodbye, old friend.
I will always remember... your spin cycle.
You know, you don't need a washing machine
to achieve the feeling.
You don't?
There are so many other things you can do.
Hmm. Here.
Walk with me.
(whispering indistinctly)
(gasps) Dear Lord.
Oh, I would never!
Captioning sponsored by CBS
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org