[Bank robber 1] This is a stickup. Everybody down on the ground.
Just stay on the floor, and nobody gets hurt.
[Bank robber 2] Hurry up before the pigs get here.
- [Bank robber 1] Be cool. - Why are you doing this?
Because banks are a bummer, man.
This mask is so hot.
Ah, it's like my hair was sweating.
Flower, put your mask back on.
Don't use my real name.
That's not your real name. —[Siren approaching]
Oh, right, it's Susan.
Let's get out of here.
G-Go, go, go!
Bye.
[Theme music playing]
- [Door closes] - [Jay] Babe?
Sam?
Hey. I got you your favorite.
Oh, Daisy's coffee shop. I love this place. Thanks, babe.
[Jay] That is an americano for my boo-boo,
and a perfectly normal adult caffeinated beverage for me.
This is not a man who's destined to keep it tight, Sam.
What are you working on?
Well, I'm trying to come up with article ideas for my meeting
at the ulster county review tomorrow.
[Jay] The new yorker of the Hudson valley?
That's a big opportunity.
Yeah, this is the kind of serious journalism
I've always wanted to do,
and if it goes well, it could turn into a regular gig.
You're gonna kill it, babe.
All right, I'll leave you to it.
Mmm. Yum.
Mmm. Mm.
I can't watch a man do this to himself.
I'm okay with it.
- [Jay] Love you, babe. - [Alberta] Ooh, wait.
I've got an article idea for you.
What about a profile of a local celebrity?
Ooh, like who?
I'm right here. You said you wanted a good story,
I'm a good story.
[Flower] Oh, I got a story.
Did I ever tell you guys about the time I robbed a bank?
Only once a week for the last 50 years.
Wait, you robbed a bank?
Flower's hippie cult knocked off a bank,
then gave the money to poor people.
This was the commune, not the cult.
They're very similar, but the commune let you wear your shoes
and you could still talk to your family.
A Robin hood hippie bank robbery? That's amazing.
This should be the article I write.
Article? What's she talking about?
[Samantha] Oh, it's for a local magazine.
This is exactly the kind of thing they'd love.
Quirky, human interest.
Well you-you can't write about it. I'm sorry.
What? Flower, this would be, like,
the biggest assignment I've ever landed.
They made me take an eternal blood oath to never talk about it.
Oh, totally not a cult.
Flower, you told us about it a million times.
Well, that's different than publishing it in a magazine.
-But, flower, it would just be—- -i said no!
So... [chuckles] I guess we're back to alberta.
[Gasps] Hold up.
"Back to alberta."
[Laughs]
I think we just found our title.
So, what do we think?
I'm gonna sayjust moved from the city, Ivy league.
Close. Northwestern.
You can see us?
It's kind of a long story.
I had this near-death experience, and now I see ghosts.
I guess that's not such a long story. [Chuckles]
Name's winky. Age 12 when I kicked the bucket.
Headline? I got trampled by a horse.
I'm shiki. I'm lenape, and I've been here since the 1500s.
Lenape?
- I actually know a... - Who are you talking to?
H was, uh, just practicing for our meeting.
I was saying I actually know some stories to pitch you.
Let me just, uh, check these out. Okay.
Oh. Oh, okay, that... works.
Okay. Oof, no. No.
Did that. That's too obvious. What's this in the margin here?
Gummy bears? Was there a listeria outbreak in the plant or something?
No, my husband wrote that.
He wanted me to pick up gummy bears while I was in town
because we ran out, and he likes gummy bears.
Look, there's some good ideas in there, but if I'm gonna hire a freelancer,
I really need to be wowed, so unless you can do that,
I'm gonna have to say, "nice to meet you,
and I'm sorry."
Wait, what if I told you that I had a lead on a story
about a group of hippies who held up Hudson valley citizens bank
in the 19603 and were never caught?
I'm interested. Who's your source?
- Can you bring them in? - No.
Uh, only I can see them.
Give me 6,000 words by Tuesday.
- [Snaps fingers] - Sold. A hippie bank robbery?
You should've led with that one, kid.
Hey, babe.
So, how'd it go?
- Well, he bought one of my ideas. - That's great.
We're gonna celebrate tonight with gummy bears,
which you left in the car, he said hopefully?
So... which article did he buy?
Look, you can't tell flower.
I literally can't see flower.
Oh, I was talking to alberta and Isaac.
- They were already in here with you. - —that's not creepy at all.
I panicked, and I pitched the story about flower's commune robbing the bank.
The editor flipped for it.
- That's great. - Bravo!
No, it's terrible.
Flower explicitly told me not to write about it.
Okay, well, she's not gonna know. Come on, babe. This is your dream gig.
I know, and now that they bought it, it's not like I can go back there saying,
"whoop, never mind." They'll never want to work with me.
Plus, this whole thing makes no sense.
For years, she's bragged about it.
Now, suddenly, she doesn't want the whole world to know.
Mm. That girl is hiding something,
and if she's hiding something, it's probablyjuicy,
and if it's juicy, I'm gonna need to know it.
Mm, Sam, you must write this article.
But flower's my only source, and I can't even interview her.
So just have the ghosts do it.
Yes. Yes. His mind is as sharp as his jawline.
And with questions woven into conversation by her trusted ghost friends,
she will be completely unaware.
You think that'll work?
The girl was staring at a shadow for four hours yesterday,
so yeah, I think we can outfox her.
Hey, babe, I...
No one's gonna tell me how that conversation ended?
Oh, great, there you are, sasappis.
Uh, seriously? Can I get a roll call, please?
Sure. Sasappis, Pete, Trevor.
That's never not gonna be weird.
I ran into this lenape ghost who died around the same time as you,
and I was wondering if you knew her.
Her name was shiki.
Shiki? What? Are you serious?
Did you just ask if two lenape people knew each other?
She was the love of my life.
That's like me asking you if you know another white lady from Ohio.
Shh. He knew her. They were in love.
Well, I was in love with her, and I thought she was in love with me,
so I killed a deer, and brought it to her family.
- Sure. - And then I never heard from her again.
- Oh, my god. - What? What happened?
She ghosted him.
- Excuse me? - Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
I'm guessing they did not like the ghosted thing.
Oh, no, no, no. Ghosting is what people say
when you're dating someone, and they just kind of vanish.
Is the point that ghosts have no manners? Walk me through this.
Who knows what was going on for shiki 500 years ago.
The point is she could be in a completely different headspace now.
I think you should reach out.
| can pass on a message.
Uh, okay, yeah.
Uh, how about, "shiki,
not a day has passed since we parted that I haven't thought of you.
- You are the love of my life." - [Jay] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's coming on way too strong.
What's the difference? They're ghosts, and they can't even be in the same place.
But they could be, one day, right?
I mean, you guys do eventually go up, right?
- —Get sucked off, right. - [Samantha] Yes, in theory they could.
Yeah, so he's got to play this right, and I can help.
I mean, this is basically texting,
and who's better at texting than your hubs?
Texting was just catching on when I died.
I would've loved to work with the medium more.
Sasappis, you should just say what you want to say.
Women value honesty and romance, not games.
[Laughs] That's so cute.
When I first met you, I wanted to text you every two minutes,
but I didn't do that, you want to know why?
Because it would've scared you off.
Okay, listen to this man, sass.
I'm not saying this is a Lyle lovett, Julia Roberts situation,
but he did well for himself.
You know what my dating strategy is?
I like to get myself in something I call "the friend zone."
Now, nine out of ten times you end up completely desexualized,
as if you're a puppy or their brother,
but, at the end of the day, you got a new friend, so win-win, right?
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go with Jay on this one.
Fine. Jay, sasappis wants to know what he should say.
Okay, first of all, delete that corny mess and repeat after me.
"Sup," apostrophe,
s-u-p. End it with a period.
It is a question, but we don't care enough to put a question Mark, do we?
- [Whispers] Sup. - Oh, this guy's good.
I am ready to be miyagied.
Oh, hello, flower.
Just popping in for a casual chat amongst close friends.
Oh, hey, guys.
You know what I thought was awesome, Isaac?
Oh, what's that, alberta?
How my girl flower here stood up to Sam about the bank robbery.
That's not Sam's story to tell, that's flower's thing.
Agreed.
Although, I'm curious as to why you didn't want her to write the story,
considering how freely you bless us with retellings of it.
Well, just between us?
Obviously.
There's just a part of the story I'm not ready to tell.
- [Alberta] Mm, that's all you need to say. - [Isaac] Mm-hmm.
Although, I'm worried that Sam, conniving living that she is,
will find some way to trick you into telling her your dark secret.
- Do you think? - [Isaac] It's a risk, though...
Here's a thought.
What if you were tell us your deep, dark secret,
so we can help steer Sam as far away from it as possible?
Wait, why are you guys asking me so many questions about myself?
What? Uh, it's perfectly consistent
with our personalities to want to know more
about our good old friend, flower.
Well, if we're such good friends, what's my last name?
- It's montero. - Montero!
- I knew that. I remember that. - Mm-hmm.
Okay. So, here's what I want to know,
since you guys are acting all suspicious and stuff.
Oh, my god. Is she still with us?
- What's going on? - Hard to say.
Wait, what-what were we just talking about?
It was important, wasn't it?
You know, I don't really recall.
- Oh, wait, was it love? - Sure.
Oh, I love love.
I also hate tomatoes, and those are a couple of things about me.
-Good to know. —uh, yes.
- I am glad we got to the bottom of that. - [Both laugh]
Hey. I gave shiki the message.
It wasn't easy.
The editor was very curious
as to why I just showed up with no appointment.
Uh, you're back.
- Hey. - Can I help you?
Uh, I just stopped by to let you know how things were going with the article.
Okay.
Right, uh, so I dropped by the bank,
and they're putting me in touch with a woman
who was a young teller at the time,
so I'm gonna give her a call, and that is where we're at.
Okay. That's it, yeah.
Uh, feels like this could've been an e-mail.
- Or a non-share, really. - Mm.
[Both] So, what did she say? Did you read her the message?
Yes, I did. I read the message that you guys workshopped,
and let me say again, I was not a fan of it.
"Sup. Cool you're still around, shiki.
Would love to hear the haps sometime. Maybe."
That's—that's it. That's all he said.
"Sup"?
- And? - And...
She had a response.
"Hey.
- "Hey"? That's it? - Oh, she's good.
What? How is that good? What do we do now?
Sasappis is freaking out, which makes sense
because, clearly, that was terrible advice.
No, no, no, no, no.
If she's playing the game, that means she's interested.
All we have to do now is craft the perfect reply.
Good news is we have a week to do it, anything sooner than that is just thirsty.
I am so out of my element with this written communication thing.
Funny guys must clean up these days.
I'd be friend-zoning everybody, hard.
Good news, Samantha.
We found out that flower has a deep dark secret about the robbery.
Oh, amazing. What is it?
No, no, that's it. We just found out she has one.
Is that enough to go off?
[Isaac] Now let's talk byline.
Alberta and I are fine if your name comes first,
since you'll be doing most of the typing.
However...
Okay, just had a pretty intense acid flashback,
but I remember before that, you guys were asking me
a bunch of questions about the robbery. Why were you doing that?
Because... we're interested in your life, flower.
And now you're talking to Sam, who wanted to write the article
about me before...
Oh, my god, she's piecing it together in real time.
Nobody move. She has one plus one, but I'm not confident
she realizes it makes two.
This is ridiculous. Flower, I'm sorry.
The editor didn't like my other ideas,
and I was desperate, so I pitched your story.
- Whoa. Not groovy, Sam. - I know.
It was wrong, but I still don't get why you don't want the article.
Yeah, what are you hiding, flower?
Yes, just tell us, flower.
Why are you so afraid to share
that which you claim to be the most proud of?
Because I'm not proud of it, okay?
The money never went to any good cause.
The commune never donated it.
What? Why not?
Because before they could give it away, I stole it.
[Gasps]
Really? No one else gasped?
Well, I guess if you're not gasping at that,
you're simply not a gasper.
[Sighs]
After the bank robbery, the commune spent weeks debating
what to do with the money.
[Ted] Seven...
Eight...
And... all right,
so that's nine for helping out the feral cats of Costa Rica.
And one for narwhals.
Damn it, Brenda. It has to be unanimous.
- I'm not changing my vote. - [Ted] Look,
Brenda, the feral cats of Costa Rica live in awful conditions.
They sleep in the dirt.
They have no escape from the elements.
They eat out of the garbage.
I have an idea.
What if we used the money to help people in need.
Like, specifically, us.
[Brenda] No, guys,
the narwhals need us.
[Ted] No, feral cats, Brenda, come on.
So, then ira and I took the money and bolted,
and then I got attacked by a bear,
and I've had an eternity to think about what I did.
Well, it sounds like you just made a mistake.
No, Sam, I'm a fraud.
I wanted to be a person who helped others,
but I just helped myself.
- Well, now I feel bad. - Yeah, me too.
Sam should've never written that article.
But you told me to.
We're dead,
and just looking for exciting things to happen around here to fill up the days.
Why are you listening to us?
[Both laugh]
[Shiki] So?
Did you get a reply from sasappis for me?
No, they all w... Uh, he wanted me to wait a week.
- I don't know. - Oh. Okay.
I understand.
Wait a minute. This is crazy. He's playing games.
And, as a woman, I know you want the truth.
The truth is sasappis loves you, and he's always loved you,
and he always will love you,
and I can't think of a better person
for you to hopefully one day spend eternity with.
Whoa. That's a little intense.
- Oh, god. - Oh, no, no, no.
It's cool, I guess.
I-I got a thing in the, uh, copy room.
Oh, god, wait.
Did you not want me to come in?
To my office?
I'm sorry, I need to talk to you, Lewis.
I really appreciate the opportunity, but I can't write the article.
- Excuse me? - I just realized it would...
It would hurt a friend.
Again, e-mail.
Okay, e-mail. I get that.
Knock, knock.
I don't want to see anyone right now, alberta.
I just have one thing I got to tell you, then I'll leave you be.
I never shared the stage with cab Calloway.
I know I always brag about that, but it didn't happen.
I did share a cab with him once.
Nope! You know what? Ah! I'm lying again.
I never even met the man.
And I was never at the Boston tea party.
I was in Boston at a tea party,
but it was at my aunt Geraldine's house.
It was a lovely affair.
Why are you guys telling me this?
None of us lived up to exactly who we wanted to be.
[Isaac] That doesn't make you a fraud.
You're the biggest do-gooder of all us ghosts.
- Granted, that's a selfish crew. - —[Laughs]
But you set the bar,
and you need to know that.
Thanks, guys.
[Footsteps approaching]
Flower, hey.
I wanted to tell you I'm not gonna write the article,
and I'm sorry I went behind your back.
You had a moment of weakness. I know the feeling.
Hmm, I wonder what ira did with all that money.
Me too. Ira wanted to blow it all on a house,
and I was like, "no, we should open a business."
You know, so we didn't have to Rob any more banks.
Oh, what kind of business?
A fair trade coffee shop
that totally paid the bean farmers what they should get paid,
and was, like, not bad for the earth, but ira said,
"Daisy, we don't know the first thing about starting a business."
Daisy?
Yeah, that was ira's nickname for me 'cause I was his special flower.
Also, 'cause it's a weed and I love weed.
Come with me, now.
Okay.
What is this?
It's your fair trade coffee shop, flower,
except it's got, like, a hundred locations.
Someone stole my idea?
- Oh, she's so close to getting it. - God love her.
Wow. Read this.
"The founder of Daisy's coffee shop is ira klein.
In memory of his late girlfriend,
profits go toward underprivileged communities
and bear safety education."
[Chuckles]
Ira made my dream come true.
Now that is a good ending to your article, Sam.
Maybe you should just write it.
Are you sure?
I was so worried about people, like,
judging me for my biggest mistake, but,
now I see something groovy came out of it.
[Chuckles]
Also is anyone else seeing that color?
Is there even a name for that?
And the horse has left the stable.
[Door closes]
Well, I have some news.
Lewis loved the bank robbery article.
- Yes! - [Cheers and applause]
And he said Daisy's coffee shop is even cool with it.
Apparently, the statute of limitations ran out,
and they think it makes them look badass.
Ooh, they're not wrong.
Best news for last,
he wants me to come in next week to pitch more ideas.
That's incredible.
- Babe, I'm so proud of you. - Thank you.
Alberta, I heard you were very helpful with Sam's article,
which I thought should be acknowledged.
Aw, thanks, Pete. You're a good friend.
Oh, friend. [Chuckles] Wow, thank you.
[Whispers] Hello, friend zone. I'm in.
- [Chuckles] - While you are at the magazine,
you can give shiki her next message.
Jay nailed it.
It's, "yo, yo, yo."
The simplicity, right?
[Sasappis] You know what? No.
No more aloof messages. I can't take the waiting.
I can't take not being honest. I'm not a games guy.
I'm looking for a woman who wants a dead deer on her doorstep,
and when I find her, I'm gonna love her forever.
I am so glad you said that
because, the last time I went in, I kind of lost it,
and I basically said exactly that.
What? Well, what'd she say? Did she like it?
Not really.
Seriously?
Fix this. Jay!
- —Uh, he can't hear you. - What's he saying?
I want the games back, please.
He's thanking me.
- You ruined everything. - You're welcome.
Hey, did I ever tell you guys about the time I robbed a bank?
- [All groaning] - Okay.
Okay. I mean, I get it. I guess people just play games,
but I don't love that my husband is so good at it.
[Chuckles] Okay.
I've been meaning to show you this for a while now.
Here. This is a screen grab of a text that I sent you
exactly one minute after your cab pulled away,
the night of our first date.
- Oh, cute. - Read it.
"Samcakes... Is it okay that I call you that?
I feel like that'll be my nickname for you.
I'll call you samcakes and you'll call me Jay-bae?"
I know. Keep reading.
"I know you're not supposed to say stuff like that,
and maybe I'm tipsy, but I like you.
Like, really like you.
And I think you might be the one."
Oh, I never got that text.
Yeah, because by some grace of god it never went through.
Okay, yeah, I would've run for the hills.
- Obviously. - I mean, you were psycho.
That guy's gonna crawl inside of your skin and wear you to prom.
[Sasappis] Okay, see?
- Now will you help me? - Fine, sass.
Shiki will get a "yo, yo, yo" on Tuesday.
I can't believe I'm using my ghost powers for this,
but I guess if it means you two could end up together
to do whatever it is that ghosts do...
I was wondering about this. So, tell me, can ghosts actually have sex?
We can. We just can't finish. It's very frustrating.
He says they can, but they can't finish.
Interesting.
Gosh, I hate to do this, but I've got some work to do.
No, no, no, no, no. Sam, first question.
Can they take off their own clothes?
Sam, come back. I want to tell Jay about ghost sex.