1
00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:07,215
It is our differences
that make us special.

2
00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:13,304
So, to conclude,
you are your greatest asset.

3
00:00:14,264 --> 00:00:16,683
You are you.

4
00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:26,484
That's the best speech
by a returning alumni I've ever heard.

5
00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,165
Hey.

6
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:46,212
That well-structured
but emotionally resonant piece of oratory

7
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,048
made me remember how sexy you are.

8
00:00:48,131 --> 00:00:50,842
-Carrie! Carrie!

9
00:00:50,925 --> 00:00:55,513
Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie!

10
00:00:55,597 --> 00:01:00,477
Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie!

11
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:04,606
-Carrie! Carrie! Carrie! Carrie!
-Carrie!

12
00:01:04,689 --> 00:01:05,940
Carrie?

13
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,734
-Carrie?

14
00:01:07,817 --> 00:01:10,111
I said, do you remember it
being this small?

15
00:01:10,195 --> 00:01:12,072
I swear it was bigger when we were here.

16
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:13,740
Maybe we've just grown up.

17
00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:15,366
Oh.

18
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,659
-Crazy.
-Crazy.

19
00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:17,786
Jinx!

20
00:01:17,869 --> 00:01:19,829
-Ow!
-Dead arm! No taksies backsies!

21
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,940
Attention, everybody.

22
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:48,775
Thank you.

23
00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:54,489
Now, we will be kicking off at 7.45
with the head-girl speech.

24
00:01:54,572 --> 00:01:58,284
Then, subject awards, attendance awards,

25
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:02,705
and finally, our closing keynote alumni.

26
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:08,086
Now, while I have you all here,
may I remind all parents that--

27
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,421
Michael!

28
00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:15,135
Powers are not permitted
on school premises.

29
00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:17,554
Get down.

30
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:22,016
-Wanker.
-I heard--

31
00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:26,104
I heard that.

32
00:02:32,527 --> 00:02:35,697
So, I'm getting the outstanding
achievement award,

33
00:02:35,780 --> 00:02:38,116
and Carrie's doing the alumni speech.

34
00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,450
What are you doing, Jen?

35
00:02:39,534 --> 00:02:40,535
I'm doing your dad.

36
00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:42,287
-Mary, I swear, I--
-Ian, I know.

37
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:46,332
Jen has the very important job
this evening of supporting her family.

38
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,835
-Do we trust Jen with important jobs?
-Well, your dad does.

39
00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:50,712
Because I'm giving him blow jobs.
I'm blowing him.

40
00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,255
-Mary, I didn't touch--
-Shut up.

41
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,591
Jesus, there's Susan.
Shut up about blowing each other.

42
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,593
-Who's Susan?
-Mum's trying to get in Susan's clique.

43
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:58,803
-I told her you can read minds.
-What?

44
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,805
I told her you can read minds.

45
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:02,640
Susan, hello!

46
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:04,934
How do you stay so young-looking?

47
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,604
We'll be mistaking you
for one of the students next.

48
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:10,273
But you know, one of the sexy ones.

49
00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:20,074
Andy, congratulations again.
Greenwich Conservatoire?

50
00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:21,784
-Incredible.
-Yes.

51
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,370
And this must be Jen.

52
00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:34,589
Oh.

53
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,550
Yeah, good one.

54
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:38,676
What do you mean?

55
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:41,638
Good one.

56
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:42,680
Yeah, very funny.

57
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:44,974
You think it's funny that I was asking

58
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,310
if you knew that Mrs Henderson
had passed away?

59
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:53,900
I…

60
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:58,363
Oh, I can see Flo waving at me.
I better…

61
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:02,533
-Why did you tell her I could read minds?
-I thought it sounded impressive.

62
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:05,495
It's better than explaining
your whole situation.

63
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:09,040
Jen, look. I know you're riddled
with fear and anxiety.

64
00:04:09,123 --> 00:04:10,917
Feelings of shame around
your changing body.

65
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,418
-That's not what I'm feeling.
-Sorry.

66
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:16,381
It's hard to differentiate in groups.
Especially teenagers.

67
00:04:17,799 --> 00:04:19,592
No, no, no. That's not normal.

68
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:23,304
Someone is bursting
at the emotional seams in here.

69
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:26,015
I'm trained in mental-health first aid.

70
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,769
-I must find them.
-What are you doing?

71
00:04:29,852 --> 00:04:34,482
If I lose one sense,
the others get sharper.

72
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,776
-I feel you.

73
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:49,163
"Every day, I get to meet people
from all walks of life. From kids…"

74
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,960
What would make this evening go
from unbearable to just about bearable?

75
00:04:54,043 --> 00:04:56,838
Humility and the support of good friends.

76
00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:58,840
Close. Getting shit-faced.

77
00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:02,176
Where are you gonna find drinks
in a school?

78
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:03,970
-Right where we left them.

79
00:05:05,054 --> 00:05:06,264
The stash.

80
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:08,975
The stash.

81
00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:24,407
Really think no one's found it
after all these years?

82
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:28,328
Where do you put something you don't
want disturbed in a Catholic school?

83
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,671
Thank you, Jesus.

84
00:05:50,308 --> 00:05:51,309
Jesus.

85
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:54,520
I don't know.
I-I should stay sharp for my speech.

86
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:55,855
And it's a weeknight.

87
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:56,939
Oh, come on.

88
00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,776
It's just sad
if I make poor decisions by myself.

89
00:05:59,859 --> 00:06:01,194
For me?

90
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:04,947
Ah, class. Fags.

91
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:06,532
Hello?

92
00:06:07,658 --> 00:06:10,411
We're closing up this corridor.
Is anyone there?

93
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:19,003
-I think it's Rebecca Baxter.
-Rebecca Baxter?

94
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:22,298
Rebecca "personally gave half
of our year eating disorders" Baxter?

95
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:23,758
All the spit just left my mouth.

96
00:06:23,841 --> 00:06:25,426
I always thought
when I'd run into an old bully,

97
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:28,513
I'd be able to rub something
in their face, but I've got nothing.

98
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,348
What if she makes me cry?

99
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,601
Never let a predator smell your fear.
Come on, quick. Make yourself big.

100
00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:39,273
Carrie Jackson? Jennifer Regan?

101
00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,150
Oh, my God.

102
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,738
It has been so long.

103
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:49,742
How have you guys been? You look so good.

104
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,285
-Why are you here?

105
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:52,787
I work here. I'm a teacher.

106
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:55,790
Why? Oh, do they let you hit the kids now?

107
00:06:55,873 --> 00:06:58,626
You were always so funny, Jen.

108
00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:01,421
So, what have you guys been up to?

109
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,381
Oh, God. Duh. What did you get?

110
00:07:03,464 --> 00:07:04,549
Conduit for the dead.

111
00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:07,844
Spooky. Kinda similar actually.
I can revisit memories.

112
00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:11,013
What about you, Jen?
I bet it's something really cool.

113
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:13,391
What is your deal? Hmm?
Why are you being so nice?

114
00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:15,476
Did you become some
weird kind of Christian,

115
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,103
or-- or are you dying? What is it?

116
00:07:19,105 --> 00:07:24,861
Honestly, when I got my power,
I would go back and watch myself, and…

117
00:07:26,571 --> 00:07:27,572
Oh, boy. Yeah.

118
00:07:27,655 --> 00:07:31,200
So, it turns out, being able to replay
all the terrible things you've ever done

119
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,286
makes you rethink some stuff.

120
00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:36,414
-So I'm nice now.
-Prove it.

121
00:07:36,497 --> 00:07:39,208
Well, it's, like,
more of a general state of being.

122
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,878
-I don't know how to--
-Money. You could give us money.

123
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:43,713
Um, yeah, all right.

124
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,010
-I've actually only got a 20.
-Yeah. That'll do. Yeah. Yep.

125
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:50,094
Thank you.

126
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:53,723
Carrie, are you okay?
You seem a bit tense.

127
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:56,267
I-I've got some camomile tea
in the staff room.

128
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,686
-Let me make you a cup?
-Okay.

129
00:07:58,769 --> 00:08:01,022
Great, great. It-It's just down the hall.

130
00:08:24,462 --> 00:08:26,047
You gonna be much longer?

131
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:31,010
I don't know. How long does it take
to wash off the stain of cowardice?

132
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,262
Have you tried scrubbing it?

133
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,347
Leave me alone.

134
00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:36,182
I'd quite like my bed back.

135
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:37,725
I'll get out when I'm ready.

136
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:41,103
When will that be?

137
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:44,815
When I no longer feel
the cruel sting of sadness.

138
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,111
So, like, five minutes?

139
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:06,379
Jesus.

140
00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,717
Why is your mum sending me outfit options

141
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:13,427
for the family Christmas card?

142
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:14,804
She still thinks we're together.

143
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:17,390
I haven't even told her about not getting
into the Conservatoire yet.

144
00:09:17,473 --> 00:09:19,600
I can't tell her
that we've broken up as well.

145
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:21,727
-Well, it's not my problem.
-I know!

146
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,275
Sort yourself out.

147
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:37,660
Fuck!

148
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,835
-What are you doing in here?
-I was having a really quiet pooh.

149
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:48,045
-What did you hear?
-You didn't get into the Conservatoire.

150
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,715
-You've been lying to everyone.
-I haven't.

151
00:09:50,798 --> 00:09:53,134
Oh! You bashed up your violin, didn't you?

152
00:09:53,217 --> 00:09:56,971
I knew this power would come back to
bite you in your freakishly strong arse.

153
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,475
Are you okay?

154
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,352
"Are you okay?"

155
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,062
Yeah, I'm okay.

156
00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:07,106
At least I have something
in my life to ruin.

157
00:10:07,189 --> 00:10:08,733
What is the worst-case scenario for you?

158
00:10:08,816 --> 00:10:10,484
The funeral home stops selling
your foundation?

159
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,946
Why did your girlfriend dump you, anyway?
Did you break her fanny?

160
00:10:16,115 --> 00:10:18,659
-Did you break her fanny?
-It was a hairline pelvic fracture.

161
00:10:18,743 --> 00:10:21,454
Oh, my God! You finger-blasted
your girlfriend into the hospital.

162
00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:24,457
-This is the best day of my life.
-You are such a fucking child.

163
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,959
-I'm gonna tell Mum.
-Don't tell Mum. Please.

164
00:10:29,128 --> 00:10:30,713
I'll do whatever you want.

165
00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:34,508
-Whatever I want.
-Well, not sex stuff. Ew.

166
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:37,011
-Oh, my God.
-I didn't say sex stuff. Gross.

167
00:10:37,094 --> 00:10:39,180
-It came out in a really nonce-y tone.
-I'll tell you what.

168
00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:40,765
Never call me a nonce again.
That's a start.

169
00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:43,267
-Hello.

170
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,394
-Me again.
-Why didn't I lock the door?

171
00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:47,688
I'm gonna cheer you up.

172
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,440
What are you hiding?

173
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:51,567
The brush.

174
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,653
Put it down.

175
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:56,614
One of the few things I remember
from the cat times:

176
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,991
Getting the brush, pure bliss.

177
00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:00,993
-Don't brush me!
-Relax.

178
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,996
The brush is very powerful.

179
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,915
No, I said don't-- d-don't brush me!

180
00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,046
Oh.

181
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,091
-It's actually quite nice.
-Shh.

182
00:11:15,716 --> 00:11:18,803
No thoughts. Just brush. Who's a good boy?

183
00:11:20,721 --> 00:11:23,849
-Me.
-And good boys get the brush.

184
00:11:25,976 --> 00:11:27,436
Mmm.

185
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,521
What the fuck! Stop.

186
00:11:28,604 --> 00:11:30,314
-You don't like the brush?
-No, it's fucking weird.

187
00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:31,941
-Then what makes you happy?
-I don't know!

188
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,360
Everyone always yells at me
for not knowing stuff,

189
00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:36,445
but how am I supposed to know
if people won't tell me?

190
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:37,613
Penguins.

191
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,784
I like videos of penguins falling over.

192
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:44,745
It's what makes me happy.

193
00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,959
You will do anything I say,
or I'm telling.

194
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:56,966
Girls, Susan has this great story
about Tesco.

195
00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,176
It's-- It's mad.

196
00:11:59,677 --> 00:12:00,678
Go on.

197
00:12:00,761 --> 00:12:05,182
I thought something was full price,
and when I got to the till it was reduced.

198
00:12:18,988 --> 00:12:20,489
Oh, Jesus!

199
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,993
It's like Richard Pryor never died.

200
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:28,038
-Where did you two go to?
-Just doing some sisterly bonding.

201
00:12:28,122 --> 00:12:29,915
I'm so glad that you're here, Susan.

202
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:33,002
You know, Andy was just about
to do the family dance.

203
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:36,380
Oh, it's been years since you've done
the family dance.

204
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,008
-I'm not doing the family dance.
-Oh, I wanna see the family dance.

205
00:12:39,091 --> 00:12:40,092
What's the family dance?

206
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,928
It's a dance that Andy made up

207
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:46,015
when she was taking
break-dancing lessons in primary.

208
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,517
-You said you were too old for it.
-I am.

209
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,607
You're never too old
for the magic of dance.

210
00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,442
Oh!

211
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,809
Okay, that's--
that's enough of that. Okay.

212
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,155
Are you cold?

213
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,240
No.

214
00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:46,367
Well, it's a bit chilly, but I'm fine.

215
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:48,786
Oh, my God. Here.
Just take-- take my jumper.

216
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:51,330
-No, no, no, no.
-Take my jumper, you--

217
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:53,874
I'm sorry.
Please take my jumper.

218
00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:55,918
But then you'll be cold.

219
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,628
Here, take my jumper.

220
00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,547
-Don't be silly.
-No, I insist.

221
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,173
Okay, that's fine.

222
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,717
-Okay. Sorry. Thank you.
-Thank you.

223
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,306
Thank you.

224
00:14:09,390 --> 00:14:12,643
I was so excited when they said
you'd be back for the alumni speech.

225
00:14:13,352 --> 00:14:15,479
I was a little surprised they asked me.

226
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:19,024
Shut up. You're like a big, fancy lawyer.
Why not you?

227
00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:22,945
Must be so weird to bump into Jen again.
You guys were so close in school.

228
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,030
Oh, we still are. We-- We live together.

229
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:26,699
Oh.

230
00:14:26,782 --> 00:14:29,201
You're surprised we're still friends?

231
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,204
No. No, no, no. Not at all. No.

232
00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,916
-Well, no. No, no, no.
-What is it?

233
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,168
Do you not think
that she was a bit of a drama queen

234
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,170
and you had to live in her shadow a lot?

235
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,256
I'm sorry, that's so mean. That's just--

236
00:14:44,466 --> 00:14:46,969
I do try, but sometimes, it just…

237
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:49,763
That's not how I remember it.

238
00:14:49,847 --> 00:14:52,391
She was always there
when it really counted.

239
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,393
Look, if my power has taught me anything,

240
00:14:54,476 --> 00:14:58,647
it's that what you think happened and what
actually happened can be very different.

241
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:00,482
I'm not remembering it wrong.

242
00:15:01,358 --> 00:15:02,985
I'll show you.

243
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:04,320
You'll show me.

244
00:15:04,945 --> 00:15:07,448
Let's do it. Memory me.

245
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:10,993
All right. I'm sure I'm wrong.

246
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,001
When are we?

247
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:22,588
-Our own prize-giving. Sixth form.

248
00:15:22,671 --> 00:15:24,506
Don't know why
we're in the bathroom though.

249
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,592
The ceremony should be in full swing.

250
00:15:26,675 --> 00:15:27,676
Oh.

251
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,761
What does it say?

252
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:31,847
I'm not sure.
All the instructions are in Polish.

253
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,308
Well, it's the only one I could find
in the corner sklep.

254
00:15:34,391 --> 00:15:36,226
-Who's the dad?
-I don't know. Michael Duncan.

255
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:37,645
Daniel Kim.

256
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:38,729
Tom Welleridge.

257
00:15:38,812 --> 00:15:41,440
Oh! We'll have to do
the <i>Mamma Mia!</i> thing in 18 years.

258
00:15:41,523 --> 00:15:43,025
I can't sing for shit, Carrie.

259
00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:44,526
What am I gonna do?

260
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:45,778
I thought you were a virgin.

261
00:15:45,861 --> 00:15:48,489
I am. But we shared that bathroom
on the coach trip to Bath,

262
00:15:48,572 --> 00:15:50,532
and I didn't wipe the seat
before I sat down,

263
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,243
and there was something wet,
and I don't know if it was come.

264
00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,037
Jen, you're not pregnant.

265
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,163
Oh, you can read Polish?

266
00:15:56,246 --> 00:15:59,625
I need to go and pick up my award.
Best attendance is a big deal.

267
00:15:59,708 --> 00:16:02,711
No, no, no. Stay, please.
No, I'm gonna do one more for luck,

268
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,964
-and I need you to stay and watch me pee.
-Why?

269
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:07,091
'Cause I'm feeling
very vulnerable now, Carrie.

270
00:16:07,174 --> 00:16:09,635
And I can't focus with that staring at me.

271
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,889
So she stopped you
from picking up your own award.

272
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:17,559
Okay. That was bad.
But one time doesn't make a pattern.

273
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,229
There.

274
00:16:21,271 --> 00:16:23,983
Show me another one.
I'm sure she'll redeem herself.

275
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,573
Is this my graduation?

276
00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,451
I thought I'd pick a day
that's all about you

277
00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:37,413
so that Jen can show
how supportive she is.

278
00:16:37,496 --> 00:16:39,498
Uh, maybe we should try a different day.

279
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:42,793
Carrie, I need your help.

280
00:16:42,876 --> 00:16:43,961
Mum doesn't know I dropped out.

281
00:16:44,044 --> 00:16:46,922
She thinks I'm graduating today
and she's here. But obviously, I'm not.

282
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,425
So I need to borrow your cap
and stuff real quick. Is that okay?

283
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,051
-What?
-Just for the photo.

284
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:53,262
-Smile.
-I'm sorry.

285
00:16:53,345 --> 00:16:55,014
I know I'm such a fuck-up.

286
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:56,765
No. It's-- It's fine.

287
00:16:58,851 --> 00:16:59,935
Smile.

288
00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:04,064
Ready?

289
00:17:04,565 --> 00:17:05,399
Smile.

290
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,193
-Yoo-hoo! Jennifer.
-Hi, Mum!

291
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,446
-You ready?
-Yeah. No, I'm coming.

292
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,031
Two minutes.

293
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,866
Next.

294
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,869
That's it. Chin up a bit.

295
00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:18,871
-Lovely. And smile.

296
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:25,335
Okay. Historically,
maybe she could've been better.

297
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:29,089
-But she-- she's changed.
-Mm-hmm.

298
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:32,426
I mean, you changed. I better give her
the benefit of the doubt.

299
00:17:32,509 --> 00:17:36,972
Or maybe you should sack up
and stop being such a pushover.

300
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,433
Don't get me wrong.
Jen is a self-obsessed bitch.

301
00:17:39,516 --> 00:17:42,770
But you're just as bad,
you simpering fucking jellyfish.

302
00:17:45,522 --> 00:17:48,525
I'm so sorry.
You're just such an easy target.

303
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:51,320
-I can't help myself.
-It's okay.

304
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,572
You're trying, and that's what counts.

305
00:17:54,990 --> 00:17:58,285
Stand up for yourself, you tepid slut.

306
00:17:58,368 --> 00:18:00,370
I need to remove myself
from this situation.

307
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,040
Carrie, good luck with the speech.
It'll be great.

308
00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:04,208
You have a weird forehead,

309
00:18:04,291 --> 00:18:06,835
and that's the ugliest fucking jumper
I've ever seen in my life. Goodbye.

310
00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:11,173
It's your jumper.

311
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,888
I've written you an acceptance speech.

312
00:18:17,971 --> 00:18:20,015
-I want you to read it.
-No.

313
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,017
-Mum…
-Okay, fine. Give it.

314
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,815
-I'm not reading this.
-Mother!

315
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,234
Okay, okay. I'll read it.

316
00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:33,070
Weirdo.

317
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,198
Oh.

318
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,492
Oh, you're back.

319
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:41,662
-Are you and Saint Rebecca best buds now?
-No, don't think so.

320
00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:44,123
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

321
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:47,417
Oh, I better go. I wanna get a good seat.
I don't want to miss anything.

322
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:48,919
-Really?
-Oh, my God.

323
00:18:49,002 --> 00:18:50,796
I've never looked forward
to a speech more in my life.

324
00:18:50,879 --> 00:18:52,047
Oh, thank you.

325
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,133
Michael! Down!

326
00:19:02,432 --> 00:19:03,809
Stupid birds.

327
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:05,144
You ready to get out now?

328
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,186
I think I am.

329
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:08,647
But maybe just one more video.

330
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:11,650
Type in
"funny fire-safety demonstration fails."

331
00:19:11,733 --> 00:19:13,986
There's a really good one
with a guy with a moustache.

332
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:17,906
I don't wanna spoil it, but don't get
too attached to the moustache.

333
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:21,577
That man looks a bit like you.

334
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:22,578
What?

335
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:25,247
<i>You! You with them?</i>

336
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,332
<i>No, mate. Don't know 'em.</i>

337
00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:32,921
<i>Oh, God! Oh, God!</i>

338
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,006
<i>Oh, God!</i>

339
00:19:34,089 --> 00:19:38,468
-It's got 400,000 views.

340
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:39,970
Is that a lot?

341
00:19:50,063 --> 00:19:51,398
I'll go sleep in the kitchen.

342
00:19:53,775 --> 00:19:57,321
And the physics prize
goes to Maisie Costas.

343
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:59,031
Big round of applause, please.

344
00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:01,992
No, no, no, no.

345
00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:03,493
Smaller round of applause, please.

346
00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:10,209
Take that thing off.

347
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:13,337
I think I've nearly found them.

348
00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:16,298
Oh.

349
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,801
I just want you to know, I'm here for you.

350
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:24,765
And now,
for the final award of the night.

351
00:20:24,848 --> 00:20:29,144
This goes to a gifted violinist
who recently got into

352
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,815
one of the most prestigious
musical conservatoires in the country.

353
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:37,027
The award for outstanding achievement
goes to…

354
00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:38,403
Andy Douglas.

355
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:03,637
Ladies, gentlemen, distinguished guests…

356
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,599
-…Count Dracula.

357
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:10,018
It's a pleasure to see you all
here this evening.

358
00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:15,816
It might look like I, a humble lesbian,
won this award all by myself,

359
00:21:15,899 --> 00:21:19,403
but my moderate success
is all down to one person.

360
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:22,197
My sister, Jennifer.

361
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:24,324
Isn't that lovely?

362
00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:27,744
People say to me,

363
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:34,126
"Andy, is it a living hell to have
a sister who is a genius and also so hot?"

364
00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:39,464
-And to those people, I say, yes.

365
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,758
But she's also done so much for me.

366
00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:49,433
When I had explosive diarrhoea
at Disneyland Paris,

367
00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:52,561
who bartered with Goofy for his trousers
to cover up my shame?

368
00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:58,608
When I was voted ugliest baby of 2004,
who contested the judgement?

369
00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:01,445
When I demanded Nelson Mandela
be put back in prison…

370
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,574
Do you know what?

371
00:22:06,992 --> 00:22:08,744
I'd like to thank myself for this award.

372
00:22:10,037 --> 00:22:12,706
I've worked hard. I deserve it.

373
00:22:13,915 --> 00:22:18,003
Although,
I would like to dedicate this award

374
00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:21,506
to all the people who have
never achieved anything.

375
00:22:22,257 --> 00:22:25,510
Never been the best at anything.

376
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:27,637
They must feel really lame

377
00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:31,600
and-- and lash out in pathetic ways
because that's all they can do.

378
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:36,813
So, yes, this is dedicated to my sister.

379
00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:45,447
-What are you doing?
-Andy didn't get into the Conservatoire

380
00:22:45,530 --> 00:22:48,825
because she can't play the violin anymore
because of her freakish strength.

381
00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:51,119
And she lied to all of you about it.

382
00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,205
And she broke her girlfriend's fanny.

383
00:23:00,462 --> 00:23:02,589
I think it might be Andy.

384
00:23:02,672 --> 00:23:05,926
Oh, here we go.
No, we're not falling for it.

385
00:23:09,304 --> 00:23:11,556
Come on. We're not buying it.

386
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,225
What have you done?

387
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:22,943
No, hey.

388
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:29,032
Let's get back on track.

389
00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:33,203
Please welcome Carrie Jackson,
class of 2015.

390
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:43,463
-At the bathroom.
-The bathroom?

391
00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:46,508
What does it mean to achieve?

392
00:23:46,591 --> 00:23:49,594
But you couldn't for one evening,
you little gobshite!

393
00:23:49,678 --> 00:23:51,763
You are a cold and barren woman!

394
00:23:51,847 --> 00:23:54,307
Well, there have been many definitions
over the centuries.

395
00:23:54,391 --> 00:23:56,143
I was absolutely mortified.
Mortified!

396
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,937
Oh, no.
Now Susan's not going to fuck you.

397
00:23:59,020 --> 00:24:01,189
-I don't want to fuck Susan!

398
00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:03,024
-Maybe I'll fuck Susan.

399
00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:05,819
It's the closest I'm going to get
to a loving mother.

400
00:24:05,902 --> 00:24:08,405
-She's joking. She's joking.

401
00:24:08,488 --> 00:24:09,948
Um…

402
00:24:12,826 --> 00:24:16,788
Um, success in the modern world is…

403
00:24:19,207 --> 00:24:20,208
Sorry.

404
00:24:25,672 --> 00:24:27,382
What does it mean to achieve?

405
00:24:29,885 --> 00:24:32,012
Oh, there you are. Where have you been?

406
00:24:32,095 --> 00:24:34,014
I think I left our drinks in here.

407
00:24:34,097 --> 00:24:38,226
Also, I've alienated my entire family and
humiliated myself in front of everyone.

408
00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:39,561
So…

409
00:24:45,859 --> 00:24:47,486
-Carrie?
-What?

410
00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:49,529
I think I've really fucked it actually.

411
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:52,073
Have you? Again? Shocker.

412
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,117
Why you being weird?
I'm having a crisis here.

413
00:24:54,201 --> 00:24:56,536
-Course you are.
-Can you tell me why you're mad at me?

414
00:24:56,620 --> 00:24:58,872
I don't have the mental capacity
for this right now.

415
00:25:03,835 --> 00:25:05,337
I was meant to speak.

416
00:25:05,962 --> 00:25:08,089
And now, because of your tantrum,
I don't get to.

417
00:25:08,173 --> 00:25:09,716
Oh.

418
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,053
-Why are you laughing?
-I thought it was something serious.

419
00:25:13,136 --> 00:25:15,096
Ah, so it's only your problems
that are important.

420
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,807
I'm sure you have plenty of problems,
with your long-term boyfriend

421
00:25:17,891 --> 00:25:19,726
and your promising career
and your cool power.

422
00:25:19,809 --> 00:25:22,062
My power is not all it's cracked up to be.

423
00:25:22,145 --> 00:25:23,063
It got you a job.

424
00:25:23,146 --> 00:25:25,815
Do you know how many people
wanna speak to me?

425
00:25:25,899 --> 00:25:27,692
Not someone famous.

426
00:25:27,776 --> 00:25:30,278
Not some pharaoh or president. Just me.

427
00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:31,196
No one.

428
00:25:31,279 --> 00:25:34,908
-I have to listen to you now, so…
-No one ever cares what I have to say.

429
00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:38,328
Well, they did tonight. But of course,
you couldn't let that happen.

430
00:25:38,411 --> 00:25:41,248
You couldn't bear an interruption
of the Jen show.

431
00:25:41,331 --> 00:25:42,415
So I'm selfish?

432
00:25:42,499 --> 00:25:45,293
Yes. You always have been.

433
00:25:45,377 --> 00:25:46,545
It's always been about you.

434
00:25:46,628 --> 00:25:48,588
Oh, stop being so dramatic.

435
00:25:49,714 --> 00:25:51,299
Who did I lose my virginity to?

436
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:54,511
Okay, what foods am I allergic to?

437
00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:55,804
When did my nan die?

438
00:25:55,887 --> 00:25:58,056
-Fifth year.
-My nan's alive.

439
00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:01,017
But as if you know those things about me.

440
00:26:01,101 --> 00:26:04,479
Peter Hamzi, dairy but you refuse
to acknowledge it, 2014.

441
00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:13,196
Look, uh, Carrie, you have no idea
what it's like to be me.

442
00:26:14,239 --> 00:26:15,782
I've got nothing.

443
00:26:16,992 --> 00:26:19,494
I'm sorry if I'm not dealing with it
with enough grace.

444
00:26:21,830 --> 00:26:24,124
Oh, boo-fucking-hoo!

445
00:26:25,041 --> 00:26:27,752
I don't think you ever wanna get a power.
I think you like it.

446
00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,921
It gives you an excuse
to be a shitty person

447
00:26:30,005 --> 00:26:31,506
because the world is mean to you.

448
00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:35,719
But has the smallest seed of thought
ever passed through your brain

449
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:38,972
that maybe you're not some troubled,
tragic martyr?

450
00:26:39,055 --> 00:26:40,473
Maybe you're just a nob.

451
00:26:40,557 --> 00:26:41,641
Fuck off!

452
00:26:46,938 --> 00:26:47,939
Okay.

453
00:27:27,604 --> 00:27:30,649
Kash! The girls are back
and I'm scared your bubbles have, um…

454
00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:34,361
Okay. Here we go.
Let's cover up the shame.

455
00:27:34,444 --> 00:27:36,905
Thank you.

456
00:27:36,988 --> 00:27:40,492
There we go. No more penis.

457
00:27:40,575 --> 00:27:41,576
Lovely.

458
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:43,662
Shall I get the brush?