Maybe we should help him.
Wait, wait. He'll get it. Thumbs are tricky.
He doesn't know how to use a can opener?
You're never gonna integrate back into society if you can't do basic shit.
It's simple, okay? You clamp it on,
and you…
Shit!
It's broken.
-Excuse me? -Oh, God, no!
Do you work here? I have a complaint.
What seems to be the problem?
I rented this costume for my husband's birthday,
and now I can't get the bloody mask off.
Uh, sorry, did you say your husband's birthday?
Yes.
Okay.
So, your husband likes strong women?
I think it's some sort of vacuum effect.
Have you tried greasing it up?
You could use butter. Or lube.
Excuse me, but why would I have lube in my house?
Oh, come on.
You've got lube.
I want this mask off now.
And it goes without saying, I expect a full refund.
Oh, I'm afraid we can only offer refunds
if the costume's been used for its intended purpose.
What are you implying?
You can't imply a customer is pegging their husband as Margaret Thatcher.
She is!
Of course she is, but you can't say that.
Sometimes I wonder if you're cut out for customer service.
You're absolutely right.
No, I think the best thing to do is to let me go
with a generous redundancy package.
You are a manager. Great liar.
You hate people just the right amount. I've never seen you miss a fag break.
You could flourish here.
Take my place when I die.
That's a lovely thing to say, Ange. But this is just temporary.
Tim said that too when he started.
He's been here seven years. He still loves it.
Absolutely not.
Are you fucking mad? I'm not signing it.
Listen, this is a very good deal for you.
Your music in the lift of every cruise ship in the fleet.
They might even want your early stuff for the hold lines on the phone.
I sold out the Bradford Ballroom five nights in a row.
I've fucked 75% of the Rolling Stones.
A cruise ship? I think not.
It's time for a comeback.
Valerie, you know we love you at the label.
But only one person with your condition has made a comeback, and that's Jesus.
I can still sing. I'm still relevant.
Fuck it. I'll even do a duet.
What's Whitney Houston up to these days?
Get out. I'm literally about to start auditioning people.
-Can I watch? -Why?
I just wanna learn how to human again.
Fine. But don't do anything weird. Or say anything. Or touch anyone.
It's very important to me.
And not just to me, okay?
I'm doing this for the city. For the vulnerable.
Jen says you're doing it because you're a feckless loser
who sponges off his girlfriends.
And, uh, this nostalgic imitation of virility
gives you the illusion of control over your emasculated, directionless existence.
Although. I don't know what most of that means,
is that right?
All right?
She took the news very well.
Yeah, that was very impressive in there. Crystal clear.
How do you feel about some moonlighting?
We have another life-challenged artist on our books
that I think you'd work well with.
Is it an estates dispute? Because I'm quite junior.
I'm sure there's nothing you can't handle. You're very impressive, Carrie.
Yes. Yes.
I can handle it. I'll do it.
Great. Saturday at 2.00. I'll send you the addy.
Yeah, great.
Uh, name?
Sebastian. Seb-- Seb.
Seb. And your power?
I can summon sea creatures.
Can you command them?
Um, no.
I have a rich father.
-Your name? -Uh, Ade.
Megan.
Uh, what-what can you do?
Uh, I can, uh, phase through solid objects.
I can turn anything into a PDF.
-So, what? Like a fridge? -Anything.
-A person? -Anything.
I'm basically a magnet.
It's not active all the time, but when it happens, you'll know.
It happened.
Nice.
We'll be in touch.
Oh. I'm stuck.
Don't mind me, though. I'll be-- I'll get there.
Mmm. Still stuck.
Uh…
-Do you have more people coming? -We do, yeah.
Excuse me. What are you doing?
I have a 3D printing arse.
I can do whatever you want as long as it's aerodynamic.
Can you do a spoon?
So sorry. Sorry to interrupt.
-Sorry. -Come on. You can do it.
-Come on. Oh, my God, yes! -You can do it.
-Dig deep. -Oh, my God.
-Come on, dig deep. -Wow.
Keep going with it.
-Squeeze! -Yeah!
Come on!
-Come on! -Wow.
No.
Can I join?
How did you get into the flat?
Super speed. Like you have to ask.
All right, how fast are we ta--
Been to the Tate Modern and back.
Their Dada retrospective is… underwhelming.
Cheers.
Peace.
Thanks so much for coming in.
Oh, no problem.
Sometimes I feel a bit like a photocopier they wheeled out.
So it's nice to get asked to do actual legal stuff.
'Cause I can do that, but they never really ask me to.
-Oh, is this a recording studio? -Smart as a button.
We have an artist who died before he could finish his last album.
Tragic, really. His fans are still super passionate.
And we already paid him the advance. Uh-oh!
So, if he could sing through you,
then we could finish the tracks
and bada-bing-bada platinum sales in 30, 40 territories worldwide.
Is that cool?
Uh.
-Three, two, one.
-They want you to channel who now? -Colt Callaghan.
He was some big country music singer in the '80s, apparently.
I thought you were there for some legal bullshit?
Me too, but they just want me for my power.
Why doesn't anybody care what Carrie has to offer?
Probably because Carrie talks about herself
in the third person a bit too much.
Can you come down? For moral support?
I'm at work. I can't just bail.
I'm saving up for the clinic. I need the money.
You can have a cut. They're paying me.
How much are they paying you?
I don't know. It's a bit rude to ask, isn't it?
Please come. I really need a friend right now.
No, you don't need a friend.
You need someone who can get you a decent deal. A real hard-ass.
You need--
Jen Regan, Jen Regan Talent Management.
This is handwritten.
We're a-a boutique agency with a personal touch.
Now, this national treasure is not opening her money hole until we talk shop.
Here is her rider.
"Sushi platter. Room temperature ice water."
We can deal with this later.
What I need to do right now, yeah, is talk to Colt.
He's gonna be pretty confused.
Uh, money first.
-We can offer you 250. -Oh, please.
Ms Jackson doesn't put on a bra on a Saturday for 250.
-Five hundred. Final offer. -300.
I think my client would be content with £300.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
£300,000.
May I just have a moment alone with my client?
Did he say £300,000?
I could buy a flat. I could go on holiday.
I could buy the Tenderstem broccoli.
Tenderstem, Jen. It is so much more tender.
You could pay for the clinic.
That amount would be acceptable, yes.
When are our friends coming?
They're not our friends. They're my vigilante group.
What are you hiding?
You said that you needed snacks, so…
-So, where should I sit?
Uh, actually, um, I-I need you to do something very important for me.
Okay.
Okay, um, I need you to
get these for me.
Okay, okay. Yeah, I can do that.
I can do that. I'll get you your…
…"tampons."
-Great.
-Where-- Where would I get a tampon? -Chemist.
Chemist. Yeah.
Um, Jen says it's too soon for me to be out in the world.
Well, Jen's not here. Okay?
-Okay, I won't let you down. -Yeah.
The miniature horse is unavailable.
Unacceptable.
Either you get us a big horse
that we can look at through the wrong end of a telescope, or we walk.
Yeah, totally. I'll sort all that after she gets Colt.
Heads up, by the way, Colt could be a little difficult.
What kind of difficult?
Where am I? Did I black out?
How old are you? Ah, wait. I don't wanna know.
You told me you were 18, and that's the line we're gonna go with.
Colt, mate, don't panic, but you're dead.
My fucking wife.
She finally did it. She always said she would.
Gotta respect that.
No one killed you, mate. We brought you back to finish your album.
Sugar tits, you look a bit like Margaret Thatcher.
I like that.
Thank you. Your tits look pretty good too.
Wha--
Holy shit!
Maybe being in a woman's body will give you a bit more respect.
Nice! I can work with these.
Now, what are these, a C cup?
You've been gone a while. Is there anything you wanna get caught up on?
There's only three things I need to know.
Is beer still cold? Are guns still cool? And is Jesus still white?
-Oh, yeah. Come on, now. -'Kay, stop that. Don't be touching them.
-Get off them. Get off.
-All right! -Dirty bastard.
Congratulations, men.
You've all been selected because you demonstrated to me
that you are hero material.
You've passed the first test.
Will there be more tests? I'm dyslexic, and I need more time.
It's more a series of trials than tests.
It's, like, informal trials of the spirit and body.
It's more of a metaphor.
Really, I probably shouldn't have used the word "test."
Uh, any-- Words aside-- Um.
We're all here for one noble purpose: fighting crime.
What does that mean, specifically?
Uh, like, going after crime. Stopping it and stuff.
-There's lots of different types of crime. -I know. I don't think we need--
I suggest targeting child sex offenders.
Go after the real bad guys. Anyone else got a suggestion?
-Fly-tippers? No! Murderers! -Yes.
What about the elderly?
-Yeah, fuck 'em. -No. No.
I mean, like, people who scam the elderly. Like telemarketers.
Or the drug dealers,
uh, people who put their bag next to them on the empty seat in the train,
rapists?
I swear I had another marker here somewhere. Sorry.
I can get you one. Give me two minutes.
What colour?
Tampons?
Okay, so we're down to nonces versus children.
Uh, surely that's a tautology?
Uh, wouldn't we be protecting the children from the nonces?
They cancel each other out.
It should be children versus women.
If we help women, like, protecting them walking home at night or something,
I think they'd be really grateful.
Not that we'd ask them for anything in return.
But if they did want to thank us, just a perk of the job.
Yeah, we're talking about them fucking us, right?
-No. -What? No!
No one sleeps with anyone they save.
I'm drawing this ethical line in the sand now.
What if someone wants to give us money?
Well, that's just tipping. That's fine.
I'd like to put myself forward as task force leader for this one.
I know women. I respect women. I love women.
-Well, I love women more than you do. -I have four sisters.
I have a mum.
-I've got two mums. -I've got a girlfriend. Do you?
-I don't currently have-- -Ha! Three-two.
But that also means
that I don't view women solely as sexual objects.
Neither do I. I barely fuck my girlfriend.
I read Jane Austen novels for fun.
I know where the clitoris is.
Prove it.
Have some water, pet.
It's just… a lot.
You buying the tampons for your girlfriend?
No, he's a boyfriend.
Oh. You kids and your genders. Love it.
I've been away for a while.
There's too much everything.
I'm sorry. I'm useless.
Oh, chicken, no. We all learn at our own pace.
I can help you get what you need.
What's their period like? Heavy? A lot of clotting?
Do they like an applicator or non?
What's a period?
Oh, Lord. Okay.
I can see we're gonna have to start from the beginning.
Come on, chica. Is this strictly necessary?
When you stop trying to unhook your bra, then the shame mitts can come off.
-Honey pie! Sorry. Sorry. -Stop that!
Darlin', can you turn these for me?
I ain't looked at these songs in 30 years.
Need a refresher on the old lyrics.
Jen, have you read these lyrics?
I'm not a prude, but they're not exactly very respectful to women or Canadians.
I'm sure they're not that ba-- Okay. Oh, no.
I don't think I can do this.
What? Of course you can. No, you can do this.
Do this, please.
I don't think I feel comfortable saying this stuff.
But it's not really you saying it, though. Is it?
It's coming out of my mouth. My mouth is making the shape of the words.
I don't wanna have a sexist mouth.
What if I ever meet Malala? I'll be mortified.
Look, Carrie, babe.
Look, you know I would never ask you to do something you're uncomfortable with.
Unless someone's going to pay us £300,000 to do it, okay?
So, maybe just do it?
Oh, if I could just make some adjustments to the source material.
He barely remembers what he wrote.
He'll sing whatever you put in front of him.
Yes. Okay, compromise. It's the beauty of negotiation.
Oh, where are you going?
I made them get me a handsome Latin masseur, Carrie.
I'm not passing that up.
You've got this, okay? Don't worry about it.
Honestly, this is too easy.
Well, do it then. Or do you not know?
How can you lead a group saving women when you don't know where the "clid" is?
The what?
The "clid."
-Do you mean the clit? -That's what I said.
No, you said "clid" with a "D."
-He's stalling. I think we should-- -I can do it.
Kash! I did it. I got, uh, your--
-What's going on? -We're locating the clitoris.
Oh, it's right there at the top underneath the clitoral hood
at the crest of the labia minora.
…Ora. Exactly.
Guys, come on. It's basic knowledge.
-That doesn't mean you win. -Kash, I have your tampons.
See? I buy my girlfriend tampons.
Maybe you would too, if you had one.
Thank you.
You know, I like my women the way I like my guns.
With a silencer.
This here is a tribute to the perfect woman.
This doesn't sound right.
-We may have made some minor changes.
-Creative differences. -You can't just do that.
You can barely notice it.
Whoa! Hey! Man, I know that's not right.
What the hell, man? What the hell?
"I licked her out"?
I think there's a market for it.
Maggie, you know I got a soft spot for you,
but I sure as hell would never, ever lick you out, Maggie.
Do you hear me? That shit is nasty.
Who changed things? This is my song. Who changed these lyrics?
£300,000.
Okay.
You don't have to eat them all.
I'll never get to live the high life again, Carrie.
I'm not even good at pretending to be successful.
You were. For, like, an hour.
Maybe I should've just sung the song as it was.
I should say I'm proud of you for standing up for what you believe in.
-Oh, you're really not going to, are you? -No.
It was so much money, Carrie. Oh, my God.
Maybe channelling other people is all I'm good for.
Hey, shut the fuck up, you gorgeous idiot.
-Your lyrics were good. Your lyrics.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
And it's just money at the end of the day.
It's only £300,000--
Please don't say the amount. It causes me physical pain when I hear it.
Come on!
It was his idea.
-I love it. -It was my idea.
-What did you do today? -I know where the clitoris is.
Okay, I am not unpacking that.
How do you play this thing?
-Okay, so everyone starts with five tamps. -Mm-hmm.
And you have to get from the Sanitary Valley
to the Wings of Heaven.
Mm-hmm. Don't get stuck in Absorbency Marshes though.
-That loses you ten points. -Okay.
And you'll start over here…
-I think I left my umbrella here. -Magnet girl.
I have a name.
-Have you got any piercings? -No.
Well, you're hardly microchipped, are you?