How was your journey?
It was terrible.
I got the bus because I'm poor. And it smelt like warm, raw chicken.
And I'm really nervous,
so I thought I was gonna shit myself the whole way in, but I didn't.
And if I'm sitting weirdly, it's because I think my tampon's come out.
I didn't have time to go to the bathroom downstairs 'cause I slept in.
Because I spent so long last night trying to make myself come,
but I couldn't 'cause of my antidepressants.
I don't know why I just told you that.
It's my thing.
Don't worry.
If you're the right candidate, the truth can only work in your favour.
Oh, I hate that. Yeah, that's awful for me.
So it's a cliché, I know, but why do you want to work here?
I don't, but I need money to live.
You've got a two-one in English literature.
No, I dropped out. But I'm-- I was too embarrassed to tell anyone.
So I pretended to go every day for a year.
But, really, I just wandered around the big Primark in town.
What would you say your greatest weakness is?
Crippling insecurity. I'm selfish, kinda lazy. I lack ambition.
I'm stubborn, argumentative, jealous.
I only wash my hands if there's someone else in the bathroom.
Don't think I'm capable of love. I am worried I'm a little bit racist.
I'm a bit afraid to ask this, but do you have any questions for me?
Do you have a gross eye hole under there?
I'm so sorry.
I see you haven't got your power down on here.
That's because I don't have one yet.
We interview a lot of candidates. What makes you special?
I don't know.
Yeah. How's Rachel?
I'm fetching her right now.
-Oh, yeah? -How are you?
Yeah, good. I'm great.
Nice one, mate.
It's my sister's 18th on Saturday if you wanna come.
It's probably gonna be shit-ish, but, you know, free cake.
And my mum always buys too much wine.
You've got a sister?
Yeah, Andy. I've mentioned her, I think. A few times.
That's mad.
If you're busy, it's totally fine. No worries at all.
Option's there. You're more than welcome.
It'd be cool if you came, I suppose.
Every time.
Twenty-five years I wasted with that man. She's been with him 25 minutes.
And they were the best 25 minutes of his life, you dumb bitch.
Look, we can settle this today.
If we can talk to Mr Greenham directly,
then I'm certain he'll side with our client.
Ms Jackson.
Hi. Hello.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Yes. Sorry.
Oh, fuck off. Can I not get a moment of peace?
-Mr Greenham-- -I remember you from the divorce.
Grown a moustache, have you? Didn't think you could look more like a nonce.
I made it very clear in my will.
Tanya gets everything.
The Knightsbridge scarecrow gets nothing.
And one more thing, go fuck yourselves.
Once again, my deepest condolences.
-Who are you?
-Free cat?
Oh, my God.
-Get out. -Does that say "Super Cock"?
No, it says, "Super Clock." Clock.
The "L" just fell down.
I can see every square inch of your genitals.
It's like when they vacuum pack meat at the supermarket.
It's for a Halloween party. It's ironic.
No way. Let me get my phone.
No!
Come on.
Don't come in. I'm… masturbating.
Okay. Carrie said she'd be home late.
Okay. I'm just finishing.
Do you want a cup of tea?
Yeah. Go on.
He's obviously been mistreated. He's skin and bone.
He's a dump truck. The landlord won't let you keep it in the flat anyway.
-'Cause all landlords are evil. -All landlords are evil.
-Yes.
-Hello. -How was work?
Everyone always gets angry with me when it goes badly.
I'm just the messenger. It's not me saying it.
Yeah, you're just a vessel. Like a sexy little carafe.
Aw.
-Thank you, babe.
-Well, why don't you just quit? -Yeah, quit.
I can't just quit.
Right. You have dependants.
-I'm looking for a job. -Yeah.
He spends all day in his room applying for jobs. Don't you, babe?
Yes.
It pays well.
And they don't just use me for my power. They also ask me to make teas and coffees.
Oh, no. I'm basically an appliance.
Look, it could always be worse.
Don't put yourself down like that, Jen.
Or do you mean in general? Oh, you meant in general, didn't you?
Yeah.
You are such a brave little soldier.
Carrie, I haven't got a power yet. I'm not, like, terminal.
Hey. Maybe the real power is just being yourself.
That is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life.
Absolutely not true. No.
I know what will cheer you up.
I'm not sad.
Oh, God. Not you again.
Hey, Hitler. Yeah, suck a dick. Everyone's cool with interracial marriage now.
Yeah, you're inside my white girlfriend, and we fuck at least twice a month.
Ooh! Who am I?
Let's invade Russia in the winter because I'm a big dumb bitch.
Okay.
Very funny.
Oh, the Jews are broadly doing okay.
-Yeah. -La, la, la, la!
I'm not listening.
-This is really childish.
Right. Well, I'm off to go get railed by a stranger.
-Oh, um--
Sorry, I just need to put my glove on.
-Oh.
Nice to meet you.
Big Michael Jackson fan?
No, he's an alleged sex offender.
Right. Good we've established that early.
Ooh! Vegan lasagne.
I want to be completely honest with you.
I have the power to make people orgasm with my touch.
Whoa.
-That's, um… That's really cool. -It's not cool. It's not.
It's a common misconception that literally everyone I've ever met seems to hold.
So, what's your power?
Uh, I'm still waiting.
Your profile said you were 25.
-I am. Just a late bloomer. -I've never met anyone who waited so long.
So how did you find out the whole come thing then?
I bet it's a funny story.
It's not a funny story, no.
I promise not to laugh.
It was my father's 60th birthday.
We'd been estranged for some years, so it was a reunion of sorts.
We were kicking a football around,
which had always been a boyhood dream of mine.
I saved an errant kick, which would've shattered a conservatory window.
For the first time in my life, I felt like my father respected me as a man.
Then he asked if he could shake my hand.
Oh, I see.
I was so proud.
My entire extended family were there to witness the moment.
They were all watching as the, uh, moment of contact arrived.
Oh, no.
He was wearing light-grey khakis so it was very obvious what was occurring.
Of course, I was very confused.
He was doubled over. I thought he was having a heart attack.
So I opened his shirt to begin performing chest compressions.
-And every time you-- -Yes.
Yeah, no, you're right. That is not funny.
-Khakis were ruined.
Kash, you cannot seriously believe A.D. stands for "after dinosaurs."
It does. 500 A.D. 500 years after dinosaurs.
What else would it be?
These shoes are so uncomfortable.
Then why'd you wear them?
When you said you booked dinner, I thought it might be a fancy date.
I didn't even know you could book a table at Bucket O' Pizza.
And normally you can't…
…but I've got a special relationship with the manager.
-What are you doing? -Take these.
-Oh, you-- You don't have to. -Take the shoes.
Thank you.
-Hey! -Give me your purse.
-And empty your pockets. -Um.
Uh, here. Uh, take my phone.
That piece of shit. Nah, mate.
-The purse. Give it! -No, I've got money.
-Um. -Come on. Quickly.
-Just in my… -Now! I'm not fucking around!
-In my pocket!
-Come on! -Ow! Right in the eye!
I'm gonna kiss you now.
Would you like to…
Yeah.
Oh, uh--
What are you doing?
It's important to me to know that I can do it myself.
-Maybe just take the glove-- -Give me a minute.
Oh. Oh, ye--
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was it.
I just came.
-You're welcome. -Hmm.
I think we should take it slow.
Just to be safe.
Did you see me? I was all, like…
Yeah, it was very brave of you.
I should go after him.
No, no. Don't do that.
But he committed a crime.
You bought your drug dealer a birthday card last year.
He committed a crime on me. On you.
Someone needs to clean up those streets.
I am that hero. This is my destiny.
Great. Is this destiny gonna be salaried?
Gonna become a vigilante.
Oh, no.
No, I'm gonna assemble a team of vigilantes.
Oh, Carrie. This is my origin story! Quick, take a picture!
No, no, there's no time. I've got so much mood-boarding to do.
I'll get the Pritt sticks.
Shoo!
Go away.
Don't you dare touch him.
-Oh, God!
I don't think it's gonna work out.
Fair enough.
Good game.
Oh, please. Come on. Uh, just the one?
-Oy, Jizzlord. -Don't call him that.
He likes it. You got a better one?
-I don't know. Like, Cum Bucket?
Jesus Christ. That is so much worse.
I thought it was cute.
It's no Jizzlord.
-So, we are keeping him then?
-Have you checked if he's got an owner? -No, he's definitely a stray.
He's got an energy. He's scrappy. He's lived a life.
Haven't you got work today?
Yeah. Don't have to leave till 11.00 though.
It's half past two.
Fuck.
Turn back time and tell me to leave.
You know I can't go back that far.
Yeah, I'm still gonna be late,
but it means I can stop at Pret on the way.
Jen, I am burdened with a noble gift.
I'm not gonna use it for inane reasons. With great power come--
-Just do it, you fucking nerd. -Okay, okay!
Can you do me up with some balloons?
I want them to say, "Happy 18th Birthday, Andy.
Mum is making me do this. We were never close, and I hate you."
I can do "Happy 18th."
Fine.
-Jennifer. -Angela.
Are those for personal use?
Yes.
Jen.
Why didn't you tell me you're going to a party, you cheeky bint?
Tell me all about it.
It's my half-sister's 18th. It's a family thing.
Say no more. Family can be a real bash in the fanny.
You love 'em. You hate 'em, but you're stuck with 'em.
What can you do?
I'd hate to be turning 18 now.
Nothing's the same after you get your power.
-I used to play at Wimbledon-- -Wimbledon.
We know, love. Jesus.
It's not my fault I didn't get superspeed or racket hands.
Tell me about it, flower.
Gonna be 56 in April. Can't even buy some paracetamol in Asda.
Don't let it get you down, love.
I'm not down. Honestly, I really don't even care.
Back to work.
Do you want to know how you die?
What?
Foresight.
No.
Probably for the best.
What do you mean it's probably for the best? Wha--
-Is it bad?
One minute.
Hi. Bang on time.
It's not like I've anything better to do.
True.
Got a new one for you.
Fine. Go on. Get it over with.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
-Boo. -Boo, who?
Cheer up, love. It might never happen.
Jesus Christ.
Well, how are things your end?
It's Andy's 18th tonight.
Oh, good luck with that.
Thought you'd reassure me.
God, no. It's gonna be awful.
Just try not to make everything into a competition.
I don't do that. She does that.
Well, you know where I am. Say hi to your mum for me.
Yeah.
Hey.
Bears.
Huh?
How you die. Bears.
Oh, but…
-Wow.
Bravo.
Oh, my baby!
Why are there already balloons?
Oh, those? They're nothing. I just nipped out this morning and got a few.
But you asked me to get balloons.
-I know. -What, you don't trust me to get balloons?
Oh, I don't want it to play HDMI. Just play Andy's party playlist.
I got an audition for the Greenwich Conservatoire.
Normal human thing to do is to say hello before you start bragging.
I'm just sharing good news about my life with my sister.
I'm sure if you achieve something, you'd do the same. No?
Andy, stop haranguing your sister.
-Have you got a job yet? -I have a job.
A real job. I didn't leave my home and family
and brave the boat to England for you to squander all my sacrifices.
We definitely flew here.
You were young. You don't understand the immigrant struggle.
Oh, I don't know what I'm doing here. Where's the antenna?
What do you think my power's gonna be?
You do know you're not gonna get your power the second you turn 18?
What do you know about powers? You're like a virgin talking about sex.
-You're like the pope. -I-I am not the pope. I fuck.
-No, Mum. Tell her I fuck.
Would you whist? I'm trying to get this thing to play music.
-Why is it still just showing me pictures? -Just wait for Ian to do it.
What's the point of having a power if you don't use it?
Being able to control technology is only useful
if you know how technology works.
I think you're doing a great job, Mum.
-Just Bing it, will you? -Bing!
Ladies, ladies, please. I know we're feeling a little… stressed?
Excited.
Oh, Lord. Now, what have we got going on in there?
Angry, sad, jealous.
Horny?
Uh…
Three, two, one…
-Yes!
Happy birthday!
Try turning on the TV.
Can you sense any emotion? Deep breath.
No. I've got nothing.
Don't worry. It doesn't always happen on the day.
It can take a few days or weeks. Or…
I wanted it today.
Aw, no. Oh, I'm playing the world's smallest violin.
I've actually played the world's smallest violin, and it's much bigger than that.
You're a little bit happy she didn't get it.
Uh, duh, Ian.
My cousin was like you.
Then he went to one of those clinics that help you bring out your power.
No, I am not doing that. It's pathetic.
Really helped him. Now he can freeze anything. Like that.
Of course, he's got a freezer that he mainly uses, but it's the knowledge.
Like, knowing you don't need--
Okay!
-I'm super strong!
Oh, my God.
-That's amazing! Do the sofa. -Sofa!
Oh, my-- Oh, my God, I'm on the ceiling!
We just going to ignore the fact she broke the fridge or--
One hand!
I killed a man!
Hi, hello. Up here. I'm up here.
Can your daughter do this? No, only my daughter!
Andy! Andy, I'm so high!
Andy! Andy!
Surprise. I wasn't sure what the deal was with the party,
so I thought I'd bring the party to you.
Oh.
Uh, it's not really a great…
time.
Oh, hi.
Who are you? That sounds rude, but who are you?
Um, my name's Olivia.
Of course it is. So is, um-- Is this a date?
-Yeah. -Wouldn't really call it a date.
Oh. Well, if it's not a date, there's no harm in joining. Right?
Olivia can shape-shift.
Oh. Uh, so this is what you've chosen to look like. Oh, that makes sense.
No. Honestly, I never really use it.
I think it's important to love yourself the way you are.
You know, flaws and imperfections and everything.
So, you just look like this all the time?
Wow. Fantastic.
I don't even wear make-up.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
I like your hair like that.
Thanks!
-What do you call that style? -Down?
It suits you.
-Have you been to the pier? -No!
My turn!
Great. Let's go.
Oh, um, maybe next time?
-Oh, come on. -Well, it's kinda hard work.
And you need to think about load bearing.
Load bearing?
Okay. Come on, then.
'Kay.
Hmm.
Yeah.
-Oh, Christ. Oh, fuck. Okay. -Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Sorry. Sorry. My feet smell.
Fuck me, that's very high!
-Don't look down. -Don't look down.
Not so tight.
So, uh, is she your girlfriend?
Look, why do we have to put labels on things?
Because labels are great.
You know, I label my yogurt at work because people kept eating my yogurt.
And it's my yogurt, you know. I bought it, and I want it. It's a great yogurt.
I mean, it's creamy and low-fat and has beautiful eyes.
You need to let go.
I don't want to let you go.
No, as in let go of me. We're on the ground.
Oh.
Jen, look at me.
If you don't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
That's RuPaul.
That's RuPaul!
Wasn't expecting you to call at this hour. Everything okay?
You haven't been murdered or something, have you?
-I want a power.
I want one so badly. It's never gonna happen.
Yeah, you're right. You should probably just give up.
You're not supposed to say that.
Well, what do you want me to say? Accept it.
It's just not something you're ever going to have.
-You don't know that. -But you do somehow?
You really want this power thing?
Yes, I do.
Well, if you think it will make you happy…
…then go get it.
I'm sure you'll figure it out.
What if I don't?
Then we'll figure something out together.
Dad?
Yeah?
Can I do the thing?
You don't have to ask.
Hi, pet.
Welcome to Discovery Clinic, where your powers journey begins.
Hi. Welcome. Are you looking to start your power journey today?
Yes. I am, Denise. I'd like to book myself in for a discovery package.
-And how long have you been trying? -Six years.
Ooh. That is a long time. But don't worry. You're in the right place.
We have an excellent track record in helping people to discover their power.
That's exactly what I wanted to hear.
So exciting.
So our packages start at 9,500.
Yeah. We're gonna have to DIY it.
No, no, no.