(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
(TV NEWS THEME PLAYING)
ANCHORMAN: The two candidates for Sacramento's vacant congressional seat
are in a virtual tie.
Wait, this just in -
we have projected a winner.
The newest member of congress will be...
Team-o Supreme-o!
Hey, it's a new one!
Beans, put the remote down now.
You little... (ALL YELLING)
STEVE: Get that remote!
Come on, Louis!
LOUIS: Don't pull, it's stuck! STEVE: Come on, get that...
We'll miss the Sacramento results!
Downtown merchants.
- How'd she do that? - Okay!
But the big news is the race between.
Eileen Stevens and Charles Nuck for Congress.
Our newest member of Congress:
State Senator Eileen Stevens.
(CHEERING)
I... I just look forward to being your voice in Congress.
And my family and I will be moving to Washington immediately,
so you can rest assured that I will be on the job 24-7.
We're moving to Washington?
Hello? Mom's in Congress now.
- Congress is in Washington. - Since when?
And I want to thank my family
for being so supportive and... and you...
you can bet that they are just as excited
as I am about all the new adventures ahead.
Last day we'll walk down these halls together.
It's the last time we'll see you open your locker.
Tom, enough.
It's the last time I'll hear you say, "Tom, enough!"
Tom, relax. Nothing's really going to change, okay?
I mean, Washington's like, what, like a four-hour plane ride?
No, it's like... it's like two.
Okay, like, a two-hour plane ride, you know?
And we'll just fly out there after school,
you know, chill with Louis and be back by dinnertime.
Yeah, or you can meet me somewhere in the middle,
- like Nebraska or Canada or something. - Exactly.
You poor, delusional fools.
Louis is moving across the country tomorrow,
and we're never going to see him again.
Let's just treasure this moment.
(SOBBING)
- Get him off. Get him off me! - Come on, Tom, come on.
Hey, buddy, let's go freshen you up, yeah?
- It's good? - Yeah.
Let's let Romeo bid farewell to his Juliet.
Yeah, let's do that.
- Hi. - Hey.
So... uh... today's your last day.
Yeah, yeah, you know... packing stuff up just, you know,
it's kind of weird, memories, and...
- you know... - Yeah.
Yeah, I know. It was just... I was just getting used to you.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- So, I... - Listen, I, um... I...
- Go ahead. No. You. - Oh, no, you go.
- You sure? - Yeah.
Um...
What, um... What I was going to say...
I'm... I'm really going to miss...
the uh... chili... fries on Wednesday, right?
- Yeah. Yeah, I love those. - Yeah, they're real good.
- Every Wednesday... - Yeah, great.
- I gotta go. - Oh, so yeah...
- So, um... - Okay.
Um...
So, uh...
- Yeah. - Okay.
- All right. - Okay.
- Bye. - Have fun.
And your essays on the fruit fly are due tomorrow.
Now, on a sadder note,
this is Ren Stevens' last day.
I know we're all going to miss her terribly.
And I speak for the entire faculty when I say...
(SIGHS) ...there goes the school average.
Thank you.
(BELL RINGS)
Ren... I can't believe this is happening.
- I know. - I think I'm going to cry.
Oh, don't cry - then I'll cry.
Stop, you're making me cry.
Oh, girls.
Who's going to pep us up when we're feeling down?
Monique, you're the queen of pep.
Hey, what about the Peachbox concert?
We waited six hours in line for those tickets,
and it never would have happened
if you didn't organize our bathroom breaks.
What are we going to do without her?
Oh, girls, come here. Group hug.
Aww... we'll do something.
Look, I know you're not the most romantic guy in the world, you know,
but do you really want
the last thing that you talk about with Tawny to be...
chili fries?
- No. - Of course, you don't.
Yeah, but it's too late, you know?
I hear what you're saying, but I already said my goodbyes.
No. No, it's... never too late.
Scamper, scamper, scamper...
and bow down before my lady. Very nice.
Painting, painting, painting...
You're the nimble swordsman with a roll, and...
Nice, very nice, Donnie, very nice.
Arching, arching, arching, arching...
and smile!
Bravissimo!
(LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHTER) - What's up with them?
Oh, they're probably just responding to the fact that rhythmic gymnastics
is a woman's sport.
It is?
Then why are you giving me all these free coaching sessions?
Donnie, I have it on good authority
that by the next Olympics, men will be competing, too.
Oh, so we're just getting a jump on the competition.
Exactly. Donnie, you're going to be my first student
to win an Olympic Gold Medal.
(LAUGHS)
Well, uh, actually, Coach, we're moving to Washington.
Tomorrow, like, for good.
Coach?
You okay? Coach?
Well, uh, hey... thanks.
See you.
Okay.
Tawny, hi.
Hi, um...
by the time you see this, I'll probably already be in Washington.
It's far. It's about, uh...
it's about 2,797 miles away.
I looked it up.
I didn't want the last thing we talked about to be about chili fries.
So, that's why I'm doing this.
This tape, you know.
To tell you how I really feel.
Ladies, thank you for coming on such short notice.
Now, I've scrutinized stacks of profiles,
I even interviewed dozens of qualified candidates,
and I think I've chosen the perfect replacement.
Ren, what on earth are you talking about?
Guys...
get ready to meet your new best friend.
Now, I think you've seen Denise around school.
Denise, they're all yours.
Be gentle with them.
Hello, ladies.
Now, losing a friend as...
as great as Ren can be tough
but I promise that I will try and make this transition
as smooth as possible.
Starting with the Peachbox concert.
Denise, I'm officially handing over my ticket to you.
The three of us are going to have a blast together.
- (STEVEN GRUNTING) - EILEEN: Oh! Oh! Oh!
This box weighs a ton!
Why are there holes in it?
STEVEN: Hey!
- Whoa! - (SCREAMS)
So I can breathe.
Beans, you are not coming to Washington with us.
Come on, you'll never know I'm there.
Out!
Home.
Fine, but you're going to miss me, though.
Now, listen, Tom, I'm entrusting you with this tape, okay?
So, if anybody else besides Tawny gets their hands on this,
I will personally track you down and make you pay.
You hear what I'm saying?
- Is that a threat, Louis? - Yeah, that's a threat.
Oh... okay, well, I respond very well to threats,
so consider this tape delivered.
Good.
- Donnie! - Hey, Coach.
I talked it over with my wife, and we both agreed
that a little space in our relationship is a good thing.
So, Washington D.C., here I come.
Wait, so we can actually continue my training?
- You bet! - You're sure she doesn't mind?
Oh, Tammy's a very busy woman herself.
I mean, she's got her step aerobics class, her soaps...
oh, and she's been working the night shift over at Romano's Pizza.
Uh, Coach, Romano's Pizza closed, like, two years ago.
- They did? - Yeah.
Whatever. I'm sure there's a logical explanation.
Hey, see you in Washington, Donnie.
(ENGINE STARTS)
Mr. Kupcheck, I've been with your firm for 11 years,
and I've held my tongue up until now,
but since we're moving, I just thought I'd let you know...
- you are the most pompous, ridiculous... - Steve...
Eileen, I'm on a roll. Hold on.
Now, where was I? Oh, yes, overbearing windbag of a boss
I've ever had the displeasure of working for!
And that includes my year as a shepherd!
- (LAUGHS) - (GASPS)
- Oh! - (TV NEWS THEME PLAYING)
What's wrong, Eileen?
Oh, you need to see this, everybody needs to see...
Donnie! Ren! Louis! Come down here!
What happened?
Watch.
ANCHORMAN: In a stunning and dramatic reversal,
a recount has snatched victory away from State Senator Eileen Stevens,
and by a scant 17 votes,
has given the vacant congressional seat to Charles Nuck.
- My tape! - My friends!
- My job! - My coach!
My seat!
STEVE: Yes, there is an explanation for my behavior, Mr. Kupcheck.
You see, I was sleep talking.
Yes, very rare, very serious. It runs in my family.
My father once went on a rant about vanilla ice cream.
"It's too boring! It's too bland!" Truth is, he loved the stuff.
He was just sound asleep...
Hello?
Mr. Kupcheck?
Have you seen the want ads?
Honey, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
This entire election has been a disaster.
Come on, Eileen, it's not your fault.
I know it's not my fault.
The people have spoken. It's their fault.
No. Let this go now.
- We're going to get through this. - Yeah?
- Seventeen votes. - I know.
- Seventeen! - I know.
- One-seven! - I know.
Seventeen!
Oh, Ren, you're staying!
I'd be lost without you.
I know. I'm so glad I'm back.
Um, sir, you have a little doughnut frosting right on your chin there.
Yes, I do. (CHUCKLES)
All right, I should get out of here. I got to go type your schedule.
Ren's back and I'm feeling hunky-dory.
Ren's back and I'm feeling hunky...
No!
Why?
Sir, sir, sir, come on. Let's go get you a nice cup of herbal tea.
- Cookies, too? - Absolutely.
Dude, what's up with Wexler?
Wexler? Oh, I don't know. Listen, Twitty... Twitty, hold on, listen.
I've got a problem. I did the worst thing I could possibly do.
Dude, don't worry about it.
Everyone gets gas climbing the rope in gym. It's okay.
Listen, I gave Tawny this tape,
this video cassette telling her how I really feel.
All right, how bad is it, man?
- I mean, it's bad. - Did you drop the "L" bomb?
What's the "L" bomb?
Did you tell Tawny that you loved her?
'Cause you mean if I had...?
What do I do right now?
I don't know, man, but you're going to have to face her sooner or later.
Later.
I'll do it later.
My girls.
- Ren! - Ren!
Oh, I'm so happy you're staying.
Me, too.
I don't know what's more exciting, Ren staying...
or backstage passes to Peachbox!
- You guys got backstage passes? - Yeah, Denise is so awesome.
Her cousin Paulie knows a guy who dates a girl who works at KSAK 105.
Oh.
Well, you guys are going to have a great time.
So, Denise, what time is your mom picking us up?
You can check your itinerary.
I put them in the front of your binders.
That's... That's really comprehensive.
The neatly little organized sections with the color-coded tabs...
Emergency breath mints?
Denise, you think of everything.
(PANTING)
Tawny... hey.
- Hi, Louis. - Hey.
Um...
Well, we've got some stuff to talk about, right?
Oh, yeah.
I turned on my television last night.
That was really freaky.
So it was upsetting?
Yeah.
Your mom lost the election.
My... My mom.
Yeah. Yeah, she was, uh...
she was crushed. It was horrible.
But at least you're not moving, right?
Oh, yeah, no, I'm right here, I'm right here.
You didn't... You didn't happen to get a tape from Tom?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, he made it sound all important.
But knowing Tom, it's probably some nature special,
or his mom's 40th birthday.
Oh, good party. That was a good... That's besides the point.
Um, the point is, you didn't... you didn't watch it or...
Oh, no. I mean, I'll probably watch it when I get home today,
so he doesn't bug me anymore.
Right.
Well, that's great.
That's great. Um...
Good talking to you.
Get back to reading.
- I've got class. - Oh, yeah, me, too.
Oh, cool. I'll see you around, then.
Bye.
"And Pablito the Burro swished his tail at the pesky fly and said..."
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, that's me.
Hello.
Mr. B. Yeah, it's Mr. I.
Mr. I, it's Mr. B.
All right, listen. I've got a mission for you.
I'm listening.
I'm in, Professor Cuddlebottoms.
Beans, I said no code names. You can't give code names right now.
Just find the tape and bring it down now.
You're not the boss of me.
Why can't I be the lookout guy?
You can't be the lookout guy, 'cause the last time
you were the lookout guy, you fell asleep!
Do you remember?
Her pillow smells good.
My pillow smells like macaroni and cheese.
Beans, what did we discuss, hmm?
You find the tape,
and then you can smell whatever you want to smell, all right?
Just find the tape.
It might be in her shoe rack, or in her closet or something.
Did you hear me, Beans?
(SNORING)
Beans?
Beans, get up!
Wake up! Beans wake up!
Wake up! I'm stuck.
Come over here and pull this thing up.
Getting a little hippy there, Professor Cuddlebottoms.
Beans, come here.
Hey... Beans, where are you going?
To get a snack.
I always eat after I take a nap.
TAWNY: In a minute, Mom. I just have to put my book upstairs.
Hide. Go hide.
Beans, Beans, look. There's the tape!
Get the tape! Get... There we go.
Got it. Let's get out of here.
Beans, get out of here? I'm still stuck, remember?
There, hold it up, hold it up.
- Here we go. Don't forget the tape, right? - Oh, yeah.
(SCREAMING): Oh, Beans!
Yes.
"To Louis."
Hi, Louis. Um...
I'm sending you this tape
because I didn't want the last thing we said to each other
to be about chili fries.
LOUIS: I remember the first time I saw you.
I had fallen off the flagpole,
hurt like crud,
but it didn't matter,
'cause there you were.
And then you fell off the flagpole, and...
I just remember thinking how funny you were.
Not funny that you broke your back, but just...
that you were a funny person.
And you were really cute, too.
I like the way you look at me.
You have this look you do... right after I do something stupid,
you give me this look. It's like you're going to get mad...
but then you just smile.
As long as I live, I'm...
I'm never going to meet anybody like you.
I'm going to miss you so much.
I love you, Tawny.
I love you, Louis.
Ren, we just wanted to say hi before Denise gets here.
She's testing us on our Emergency Concert Separation Plan.
Oh, that's right, the concert's tonight. That's cool, right?
Whoo-hoo!
- We don't want to go. - At all.
Okay, well...
Okay, what if I told you you didn't have to go?
I'd be happier than a puppy with a brand-new chew toy.
- But we don't want to flake on her. - You don't have to.
DENISE: Hello, Ladies.
I've got leashes.
It is unbelievable
how many kids get separated from their friends at a big concert.
(WHISTLES): 'Kay...
Denise, look, the girls, they wanted me to tell you that, um,
it's probably not going to work out tonight.
- What? - Yeah, but relax.
I have two perfect replacements.
Michelle, Rhonda.
Come here.
Guys, this is Denise.
They love Peachbox.
And your concert packs.
Oh, thanks, Ren!
I just love concerts.
Me, too. Plus, I heard we're sitting next to Kenny Diller.
He's going with Leslie King, but he was supposed to go with Karen Lawson,
and she's got mono...
Hey, we'll have plenty of time to chitchat.
Let's get to planning.
Okay.
- Wow, that was completely freaky. - Oh, completely.
Completely. (CHUCKLES)
Ren, I'm so glad you're not moving.
Yeah, me, too.
Hey.
Hi.
So... I saw a tape last night.
Yeah, I... I saw a tape, too.
So...
So, I heard they're having chili fries at lunch today.
Cool.
I love chili fries.
STEVE: You can beg as much as you want, Kupcheck, I'm not coming back!
Wow, Steve, I love it when you get forceful.
Look at your cheeks, they're all flushed.
Well, they're really going to blaze if Kupcheck actually ever calls.
Uh-huh. (LAUGHS)
You know, I'm really glad we're not going to Washington.
This is our home.
Yeah, me, too.
You know, I think our family just needed a good kick in the pants
to show us how lucky we really are.
There we go. It's the last glass.
So, we put everything away? We're done?
We're all done.
Everything's back where it belongs.
Not everything.
(SOBBING): Oh, Donnie!
Donnie!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)