(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
ANNOUNCER: (OVER PA) And here comes the visiting dive team
from Jefferson Junior High.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Okay, where's Louis?
(BEEPING)
Oh, that's Doris.
We have Mother/Son Jazzercise at 4:30.
Uh, Tom, Louis said to meet him here.
You can leave if you want to but he sounded pretty serious.
ANNOUNCER: And now let's hear it
for the Lawrence Junior High Wombats.
(APPLAUDING)
Who's that hooded guy?
Oh, dude.
You've got to be kidding me.
I'm canceling Mother.
ANNOUNCER: Diving first for Jefferson, Brandon Binkley.
(CLAPPING)
- Okay, Stevens, let's loosen you up. - Got it.
You know, Stevens, I'm glad you joined the team.
- Really? - Yeah.
You don't stink so bad.
Thanks, Coach. Always an inspiration.
Now take your time, and, uh, focus.
And keep your eye on the...
water.
ANNOUNCER: Our first diver from Lawrence,
Louis Stevens.
- He looks pretty good up there, huh? - Yeah, he's actually not a bad diver.
TAWNY: But he never really seemed like a team player kind of guy, you know?
Well, I think this is a very positive step forward
and he deserves our support.
Go Louis! It's your birthday!
Get your dive on!
Shh! Shh, Tom.
(CHUCKLING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Ruby, what are you doing?
Okay, as you know next week the school awards come out
so I've been conducting an informal poll to see who's going to win.
Oh, really?
Why couldn't you just wait
till the yearbook comes out like everybody else?
And I'd want to do that because...?
Because you should just wait and let the votes fall where they may.
Then I guess you don't care that you're a lock for Most School Spirit.
So, what else?
Well, it looks like Ren is going to win
the big three.
(GASPING)
You're kidding.
Yup, Most Likely to Succeed,
Most Intelligent, and Best Personality.
Oh, I guess I could live with that.
So, who's in the lead for Best Smile?
Oh, um, that would be Kelly Cohen.
- Oh. - Kelly? Oh.
Just out of curiosity,
how did I do in that category?
Oh, well, you did okay.
Oh, just okay.
Excuse me.
So, guess who got Best Flirt.
Angela.
Oh, yeah.
Honey, look. See if you can spot...
There's a spoon...
- There it is. - Oh, you got it.
Be careful, don't bend it. You got it. You're so good.
(CHUCKLES)
I think someone wants their allowance early.
Ah.
REN: Oh, no. But I'll take it if you're giving it out.
I was just wondering what you thought of my smile.
You have a really nice smile.
Great.
Thanks.
Would you say that it's "great" or "wonderful"?
You know, I don't know
like, uh, one of those.
Best Smile in the little school award thingies?
I won the Best Smile at school.
Oh, you did?
There it is. Radiant. I never thought I had a good smile.
Oh, you have a wonderful smile.
Remember that picture you took at Valley Forge?
What? I stubbed my toe.
That wasn't a smile, I was wincing.
- Well you have a very cute wince. - You think so?
(CHUCKLING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, it's agreed. I have a good smile.
Yeah, it's a beauty.
Honey, you are late.
Oh, well, you know, I was, uh you know, detention let out late today.
- That's what happened. - Oh, detention.
See, I thought you were at diving practice.
What? You're on the diving team?
Well, um...
Yeah, and you know, at the meet yesterday, he made such a big splash.
- Louis, why didn't you tell us? - LOUIS: Tell you?
I thought I did. I told you.
Oh, look at that. What's for dinner?
That's great. How's it going?
Yeah, how's it going?
I wish I wasn't so wrapped up at work.
Mr. Kupchek's got me running ragged down there.
- I'd love to come and see you. - Oh...
I could clear my whole schedule and be there tomorrow.
You don't have to do that.
Because, um, you know, I get all nervous and...
For the love of cotton!
What is that in your mouth?!
It's a beast. I'm going to go get you a toothpick.
I don't need no stinking toothpick.
(MOTOR HUMS)
(SUCTION NOISE)
GIRL 1: Love your smile.
- BOY 1: Nice smile, Ren. - BOY 2: All right, Ren.
Hey.
BOY 3: Hey, nice smile. Ren.
(CHUCKLES)
(WIND BLOWS)
(BELL TOLLS)
(WESTERN-LIKE THEME PLAYS)
Tom, why are you wearing nose plugs?
Oh, well, if I get
one splash of water up my nose, I become very uncomfortable.
And you don't want to see me very uncomfortable.
I become Crazy Guy.
Tom, I've seen your Crazy Guy. It's not that crazy.
There are a couple of seats right up front here, Mr. Kupchek.
Oh, Stevens, is this really necessary?
Oh, these wood bleachers are so hard, sir.
I wanted to make sure you had more bottom padding.
Stevens, no need to kiss up.
You mean I made partner?
I didn't say that.
Oh.
But I am impressed that you asked me to your son's dive competition.
At Kupchek and Kupchek, we take family very seriously.
As do I, sir. As do I.
How 'bout another seat cushion?
Stevens, please.
Hey, Coach Tugnut.
Good luck today.
- Nice material. - Thank you.
It's the finest Italian suede.
Too bad.
ANNOUNCER: Our first diver this afternoon will be Louis Stevens
from Lawrence Junior High.
(CHEERING)
(CHANTING) Louis! Louis! Louis!
Your son seems very popular.
That's my boy.
Through and through.
(CHEERING)
You know, he's not just spreading water,
he's spreading joy.
You know,
I thought he had a nice form coming off the board,
but was a tad sloppy in his entry.
That's fine, I'll get a cab.
We'll talk about that partnership.
Louis!
Hey, look.
I know what it's like to get laughs.
I used to do an impression of the head counselor at Camp Weems.
Skit Night.
Boy, there were no courtesy laughs there.
Anyway, he used to spit when he talked, you know?
Stay out of the seat bed.
(LAUGHS)
Dad, listen.
That might have been funny back in the old days,
but that's not funny anymore.
Times have changed. Nobody's laughing, Dad.
Yeah, and I'll tell you someone else who wasn't laughing now... my boss.
You ruined his suit.
Dad...
you know, I... I know I saw this lot but, uh, how about this time,
we don't make a big deal out of it, huh?
Look, Lou, it is a big deal.
Let me tell you something.
When I showed up at the meet, I was so proud of you.
For once... one beautiful moment...
I thought, "Hey, he's finally serious about something."
Dad, I was just having fun.
You know, I'm a kid. That's what I do, I have fun.
Is that what it is?
Just going to go through your whole life being a clown?
You know, it may be fun now,
but where are you going to be ten years from now?
STEVE: It may be fun now,
but where are you going to be ten years from now?
Ten years from now... (MUSIC PLAYS)
(PEOPLE CHATTING)
And since Janey's pregnant again,
we're probably going to have to add on a fourth bedroom.
- How is the music business going, Twitty? - Oh, it's sweet.
It's sweet. Yeah, I'm flying out tomorrow morning to New York.
We're signing this hot new band called Angry Sock.
- Oh, we saw them in Rome. - Oh, yeah?
Oh, Vincenzo, remember when we saw the Angry Sock in Rome?
(ITALIAN ACCENT) In Rome, I saw nothing but you, bella.
LOUIS: What's up, guys?
- Hey! What's up, man? - How you doing, man?
I like the look. I like this new thing you're doing.
Who's this? What's up, buddy? How you doing?
I like the family.
You got the family. How you doing?
How's life, guys? Hmm?
It's good. It's going good?
Whoa, check out Tugnut over there.
My... wow!
Well, it's hard to believe that it's been ten years.
I'm glad to see that many of you have gone on to bigger and better things.
(LAUGHS)
Stevens!
That's the whipped cream joke we used to do, buddy... right?
Never gets old.
Why does this grown man act like a child?
I don't know.
- We used to think it was funny. - (BABY CRIES)
Uh, well, it was nice seeing all of you again, but...
Tom Junior seems to be getting a little cranky, so...
(BABY CRYING)
Take care.
Mm. Yes, sir, Tom.
Hey, good old Tom.
Well, at least you don't have to hang with your mom anymore, right, Tom?
Actually, she's waiting up for us.
Right.
Oh, yeah. We have to run, too.
Um, Vincenzo and I have to be in Milan in the morning
to launch our new fashion line. Call me?
Ciao, Louis.
Oh, no. I'm not that hungry. I already ate, thanks.
(LAUGHS)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
- What's the deal with her, man? - I don't know.
- You don't know? - No.
So, what's up, dude? What's happening in Twitty's world, man?
It's good. You know, still doing the music thing.
I didn't want to tell you while they were around,
but listen, I took the engine out of my dad's lawnmower.
The red one that he used to have in the garage?
I took that out, I jerry-rigged it to a couple apple crates...
- Um, Louis... - It's so fast, man.
You know what?
I have a flight I have to catch in the morning.
So, I'm... you know what? Let me drop you an e-mail, though.
- Yeah, do that. - Let me get your address.
It's Commander Poopie Pants at laughssat.net
with a "K"... "Kommander."
- Fine. - All right, man.
So, just, you know, give a little ring ding...
Just let me know, all right?
- Oh. Food fight! - MAN: Ow!
Oh, um... hi.
No.
(SIGHS)
- Ren? - Yeah.
- I'm not doing this anymore. - Doing what?
That.
Uh... hello. What are you talking about?
Okay. I can see where this is going.
Bye-bye.
Bye.
Ren, you heard her.
It's over. Knock it off
- with the smiling, already. - Really?
I can't!
What do you mean, you can't?
I can't. It is stuck.
- It's stuck? - It's stuck!
Don't panic, all right?
Your muscles must have cramped from all that smiling.
Oh, yeah? What am I going to do?
I have to sing in front of the whole school
at the dive meet in five minutes!
Don't worry. I have an idea.
- Hey. - Oh, hey, Dad, what's up?
- How you doing? - Good.
I didn't know you were so limber.
I'm just stretching it out.
I don't want to hurt anything on my knee ten years from now, huh?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Hey, about sending you to your room last night... I...
Oh. Uh-oh. Dad, can you help me, please?
Oh, that's rich, Lou.
Dad, seriously, can you please grab that leg?
- Oh, sorry. What is it? - Grab this leg.
- Uh-huh. - And... ow!
- Oh. - How's that?
- Much better. - That's good.
- Thank you. - Sure.
Oh, I didn't ask you. What are you doing here?
Look, Son, I wish you would take this seriously,
but I'm your Dad, and I'm here to support you,
no matter what you do.
- Thanks, Dad. - Sure.
Seriously, thank you.
All right, this is it, dude. This is your moment. This is it.
Your whole life has been leading up to this, okay?
And everyone wants to know. Are you going to do the cannon ball,
the can opener... or this is my personal favorite, okay?
The butt bomb?
Yeah, um... Twitty, I was thinking.
- Uh, about a lot of things. - No. No, no, don't tell me that.
Yeah, I just think I might do a regular dive.
No! Why, why?
- I don't know. I... - (GIRLS CHEERING)
Maybe I've just been clowning around too much, you know?
Not at all. Okay, you have just hit your stride, okay?
- And you cannot disappoint... - I know, but...
your fans and your friends.
The people that make you what you are. Look at them.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(CHANTING) Louis, Louis, Louis.
There we go.
With a little clever contouring and some strategic eye shadow
to distract from the mouth, I think we've got something here.
Ruby, I got to go.
- How do I look? - Uh... yeah.
No, hey, maybe take a scarf.
Maybe it'll help or something.
Huh?
Hey, cut through the steam room. It's faster.
Stevens?
Uh, the reflection of the pool is blinding.
So, what are you doing here?
Well, it seems like word of your boy's antics
has filtered down to the first grade.
I want to see the Cannonball Kid!
Great.
Enjoy the show.
Please welcome Ren Stevens
who will sing the school song,
"Fight On, Ye Mighty Wombats."
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHS)
That's my daughter.
Top student. We're very proud.
Look, Daddy... a clown!
(LAUGHTER)
(MUSIC PLAYS)
(SINGS OUT OF TUNE) Fight on...
(JAW CREAKING)
Fight on, ye mighty wombats.
Raise thy furry paws high.
Hail to the green and gold.
Fight, wombats, fight!
(LAUGHTER)
Thank you. (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
(CHUCKLES)
You must be very proud, Stevens.
ANNOUNCER: Let the dives, begin!
Next up, from Lawrence Junior High,
Louis Stevens.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
BOY: Cannon ball! Cannon ball!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
CROWD: (CHANTING) Louis, Louis, Louis...
(CHANTING) Slam dunk, slam dunk, slam dunk...
Soak us, soak us, soak us...
(SOFT GROAN)
No slow clap?
Okay.
(GIRLS GASPING)
LOUIS: You know what?
From this day forward,
let it be known... I am not a clown.
Um, dude.
What?
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Well, I am home from school with nothing to hide.
I'm really bad at this, aren't I?
I know you are. It's great. Spill it.
- (CHUCKLES) - Okay.
The yearbook came out.
Come on, come on. Open, open, open.
Hold on, one second.
Oh!
Oh, honey.
Best Personality.
Most Intelligent.
Most Likely to Succeed.
Ren, this is wonderful.
Yeah, and there's one more.
(LAUGHS)
Mom, I really wasn't trying to be funny.
You should have tried harder.
Oh.
(LAUGHS) Honey, look.
(LAUGHS)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)