(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
(SINGING) There's a belt, a brand-new suit.
And a pair of shoes to match
I wish I had a mustache...
Hey, Stevens you're blocking my spot.
I'm sorry, Coach Tugnut but we had to move your spot
down by Pooley's Hardware store.
Pooley's Hard... That's a block and half away.
I know, but I'm merely Principal Wexler's student assistant.
I don't make the rules. He does.
- Oh, boy. Just great. - Here you go.
Oh!
(ENGINE CHUGGING)
Not again!
Eisner, Ross, get over here and give me a push
or you're going to run extra laps at gym class.
There you go, Mr. Honeytoast. Premium grade-A.
You're going to love it.
- LOUIS: Yeah, buddy. - See you next week?
- Without a doubt. Drive safe. - See ya.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING OVER CAR RADIO)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Principal Wexler, it is gorgeous.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, thanks, Ren. (LAUGHS)
You know, this is more than just a new car.
This is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Oh, how did Coach Tugnut take the news about his parking spot?
- Uh, not so good, sir. - (SQUEAKS)
Too bad. Well, thanks for taking the heat.
No problem.
I just love being where the action is.
How's the coffee?
You are the best student assistant
- a principal could ever ask for. - Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
You know what?
- I want you to look into something for me. - Mm-hmm.
I was going over the school budget last night,
and I was looking at this group called "The Lumberjack Club."
You know anything about them?
The Lumberjack Club?
No. I'm on it.
(SIGHS) Yeah.
- Yeah. - LOUIS: Yeah!
Port was right. I'm so glad we upgraded to premium.
- Oh, yeah. - Hey, Lumber Lou,
how about another hearty plate of pancakes for a hearty lumberjack?
You got it, Lumber Tom, because nothing tastes better
than a hot plate of cakes after a long day's lumberjacking.
Lumber Lou, tell us again how you came up with the idea for the club.
Sure thing, Lumber Tawn.
Well, about two weeks ago when youse kids was much younger,
everyone was signing up for clubs.
Anyone could get $218 to form a club
as long as they had 50 signatures.
Psst. Hey, kid.
Why don't you sign that paper? It's for a good cause:
Heated toilet seats.
Once I had them signatures,
I thought to myself, "What kind of club should I create?"
And then that's when I remembered my deep and loyal love for the pancake.
I love this.
And how the pancake's always been the official food for the lumberjack.
I love that story.
Here's to the lumberjack, guys.
One, two, three... lumberjack!
Woo!
I should have known that you would have something to do with this.
Hey, Ren, how about a pancake for you, huh?
This is not a lumberjack club.
This is an excuse to rip off the school.
No, no. See, that's not true. See, we're legit. Legit with a big "L."
- And a small "egit." - Yeah.
Oh, so, um, what exactly do you do?
Uh, at the club? Oh, all kinds of stuff.
Tons of stuff to mention. I mean, we talk, we talk about, you know, topics.
Lumberjack topics and lumberjack lore.
You got to love the lore.
A lot of lores.
Uh, we sing lumberjack songs, too.
Oh, songs?
- Oh, really? - Yep.
I would love to hear one.
One of our songs?
Yeah.
Um, Twitty.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh... (BLOWS TONE)
I'm going to grab my axe.
And chika, chika, chop the wood
(SINGING GIBBERISH)
Wood, wood...
Stop!
That had to be the worst lumberjack song I have ever, ever heard.
Sorry. I was a little bit off key there.
I got some syrup caught in my throat.
(GULPS)
Hmm. Principal Wexler will be hearing about this.
Ren! Ren, come on.
Aren't you tired of doing his dirty work?
Enjoy your pancakes 'cause I guarantee they will be your last.
Why does everyone hate the lumberjack?
TUGNUT: Okay, pipe down.
This is health class.
Today, I'm going to teach you how to properly wash your hands.
Grab the soap.
Hold it gently, yet firmly, as if you're cradling a baby bird.
And lather up.
I hope you're all paying attention. It's going to be on the final.
Soap, soap, soap, soap.
Now we rinse.
And now it's time to towel off.
And my towel...
towel... towel...
Oh, I wonder if old Tweety's in here. Tweety!
(LAUGHS)
Towel, towel... Get up.
Towel off, left hand, right hand,
left hand, right hand... Excuse me.
I need to see Ren Stevens for a moment.
I'm in the middle of an important lesson.
Coach, I could get the notes.
Go.
What are you doing out of your seat? Sit down!
- Ren, I have a wonderful surprise for you. - (GASPS)
Oh, sir, what is it?
(GASPS) Principal Wexler!
(STAMMERING)
It's my own desk!
Principal Wexler, it's right outside your office.
I can't believe this.
I know you love to be where the action is.
I have my very own nameplate.
Thank you, Mr. Wexler.
Um, hey, Mr. Wexler. Hey, how you doing?
Yeah, I was just wondering, you know
if you ever needed another student assistant or anything.
If you need any help in any way that I'm here.
Actually, I have a very special job for you.
Oh, okay.
All settled in? Excellent.
Principal Wexler, I just want to tell you what an honor this is,
and I will be working twice as hard just to show you my appreciation.
I know. Here's some things for you to get started on.
I have some important errands to run in my clean new car.
(GIGGLES) Bye.
Um...
(MUSIC PLAYING) I got my red ride, I'm really going to fly.
If someone asks you where I'm going.
Please don't tell 'em why.
I'm sorry, Sweeney but you know Principal Wexler's policy.
Pants must be worn at the waist.
Thank you.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Cruising down the highway With the wind in my hair...
Yes, Mother Wexler, I'm so sorry,
but your son will not be able to attend dinner with you on Sunday.
Um, he's not available right now.
He is at an important lunch conference.
(MUSIC PLAYING) 'Cause I don't really care
Wendy, it's okay.
Repeating the seventh grade does not have to be a bad thing.
Look at it this way. Since you did it already,
there's not going to be any surprises.
(SOBS)
(HUMMING) Afternoon, Ren, how's it going?
- Actually, sir... - Splendid! Keep up the good work.
(HUMMING)
Fire Jackie? Oh, no.
You know, I never had children.
I love these kids like they're my own.
Hey, Scottie, how you doing, kid? Way to go, Scottie.
Hey, woo!
Scottie's not too chatty today.
Oh, that's 'cause Scottie's name is Todd.
That's probably why.
Yeah.
So, tell me, what do you want to talk to me about?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Um...
Do those seat covers come in sheepskin?
How did it go? Did you fire Jackie?
I hope you told him I'm going to miss him.
Actually, sir, I gave him a raise.
What?
Look, I'm a kid, okay?
I don't fire people. That's your job.
- But I thought you liked responsibility. - That's not responsibility.
That's me doing your dirty work
- that you can't handle. - Excuse me?
I've been a principal for 15 years.
I can handle anything.
Is that why I have to call your mother and make excuses for you?
You know what, Ren?
Maybe being my assistant is the wrong job for you.
- Well, maybe it is. - Fine.
You can turn in your keys to your desk.
I want to thank you for the raise, Mr. Wessel.
Ren, don't you work for Mr. Wexler during study period?
Mr. who? Oh, you mean
"Mr. Do Everything In My Big Fat Folder."
You two were so close. Ren, what happened?
Can we not talk about it? I'm so over that job.
Oh, no, just let it hang, Sweeney.
Ren, your behavior is very peculiar.
Yeah, I know, but it's okay 'cause I am happy.
I'm a regular kid now doing regular kid things.
No more responsibilities.
No more being a part of the trusted "inner circle."
(CHUCKLES)
No more being respected and no more being a part
of important policy decisions. Excuse me.
Where are you going?
To apologize.
I want my old job back.
What the heck are you doing here?
Oh, um, just throwing away some mess...
and polishing my new nameplate, "Lawrence M. Beale"
"student assistant to the principal."
Can I help you?
- WEXLER: Larry, all settled in? - Yes, sir.
Would you remind Miss Levelson that she has lunch duty today?
LARRY: Yes, sir.
That's not too much responsibility for you, is it, Larry?
LARRY: No, sir.
Good, and make sure
- this goes out in the mail. - Yes, sir.
Thank you. You're going to make a wonderful student assistant.
I know, sir. Uh, Ren, is there anything I can help you with?
Principal Wexler is a very busy principal.
Oh, no. I just came to wish you good luck, Larry, on your new job.
Well, thanks.
Ren? What are you doing here?
Oh, I was just clearing off your desk.
Did Principal Wexler send you? Am I being fired?
Is this about the missing child? Because I have a simple explanation.
No. Coach Tugnut, just chill out, okay?
Now, I don't work for Principal Wexler anymore.
Larry has that job now and my desk, but I'm over it.
And I was wondering if you were looking for a personal assistant.
(CHUCKLES) What do I need an assistant for?
(SCOFFS) Hold on.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(TINKLING)
Yeah, I polished them and arranged them according to pitch.
Oh, my Tweety whistle. Huh.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Coach Tugnut, we're still waiting
for the midterm grades for your Health class.
Oh, yeah, uh, you know,
couple As, couple Bs, a whole mess of Cs.
I'll mix it up.
Actually, my assistant will do it for me.
Ren's your student assistant?
That's right.
Um, hey, Mr. Wexler I made your coffee.
Oh, very good, Larry.
(CHUCKLES)
Mmm...
Mmm... nutmeggy goodness.
Here you go.
- (XYLOPHONE PLAYING) - (HUMMING)
Man, I tell you, pancakes and smooth jazz
- hit a lumberjack at his core. - Oh, yeah, but...
Okay, you guys are in some serious trouble.
Larry, please. Not while Nate is jamming.
Take a fiver, Nate, this is going to get ugly.
Okay, according to Article seven, Section 12
and I quote, "No club can stay in existence
"unless they make an educational presentation.
- "Failure to do so..." - Larry! Come on, man, it's a little slow
my cakes are getting cold. Hurry it up, buddy.
Okay. Either this club puts on a presentation
or you give back every penny
you spent on the fancy syrup and the marimba players.
- (XYLOPHONE PLAYING) - Nice touch, Nate.
(SINGING) Ba-da-ba-ba.
I love this job.
Dude, we're dead. I mean, how are we supposed to give back 218 bucks?
We need to find a way out of this presentation is what we need to do.
Why don't we just do the presentation?
Or we could do the presentation and show the whole school
what being a lumberjack's all about, man!
(SHOUTING)
Yeah!
(SIGHS)
What is lumberjacking all about?
After college, I thought about moving to Canada and playing football
but I don't speak Canadian, so, I figured, "Why bother?"
So, instead, I moved in with my parents.
Kicked back for 11 years.
Torque wrench. Is that it?
Yeah.
- Hey, Stevens? - Yes.
- Am I boring you? - No, Coach. Why?
Well, I don't know, you seemed, uh, a little distracted...
like you'd rather be somewhere else.
Well, sir... the truth is, I...
(MUSIC BLARING)
I have never been so happy in my entire life!
Really? Good.
Good.
So, where was I?
Oh, yeah. Moving home was a good time for me.
Got my head on straight.
Lost 145 pounds.
Ren never put nutmeg in my coffee.
- I understand, Mr. W... no nutmeg. - And she never called me "Mr. W."
Ah. Okay, got it... Mr. Wexler. Sorry about that.
Don't worry, I got everything under control.
Good, because my tummy really does hurt.
- I'm sorry. - Any calls?
Yes, just your mother.
- Mother? What does she want? - Well, she said that you two
don't spend enough time together, so I invited her over for a visit.
What?!
No! Call her up and tell her I got important principally thing and I...
Conrad.
Mother.
Uh, uh, so good of you to come down here for a visit.
Mr. Wexler, I'm going to wash your car.
Conrad, are you feeling right? You don't look well.
Mmm... oh...
Oh, come on and tell Mama. You know you gonna tell me anyway.
I'm gonna get it out of you.
- Okay. I got a tummy-ache. - Oh, that's it?
From now on, you're eating dinner at my house every night.
- Every night? Mommy, I can't... - Don't you "Mama, I" me.
Now, you're coming over.
Don't be late. Love you, baby. Kiss-kiss.
(SONG PLAYING OUTSIDE) Lumberjack men...
What in tarnation?
They'll chop your trees If you just say when.
Lumberjack men, we're lumberjack men.
We'll bring you wood galore If you need...
Holy axe handles!
Larry, what's all of this about?
Look, I have no idea, sir.
Welcome to Lumberjack Day, sir.
Pancake on a stick for you?
No, not... stop it!
Larry, I told you to shut down the Lumberjack Club.
Look, I did, sir. Look, I don't know what he's doing.
Oh, all I'm doing is just a regular educational presentation
required of every club, sir, that's all.
Stevens, this better not be
another one of your shim-shams, or there will be severe consequences.
No, it's not. Come on, we'll show you a booth.
We got a sign in table over here.
TAWNY: (OVER P.A.) Welcome to Lumberjack Day. Enjoy our exhibits.
Our Lumber-guides will be happy to answer any of your questions.
And we have Nate for your musical enjoyment.
Ah.
Any more appointments today, Ren?
No, Coach, you never have any appointments.
Mmm. Well, since my schedule is clear,
why don't you grab me another one of these flapjack sticks?
Sir, it's after school, and quite frankly, I don't really think I should get...
Would you like buckwheat or blueberry?
TAWNY: And now, for our grand finale...
Lumber-dudes Louis Stevens and Alan Twitty
will demonstrate the two-person crosscut saw
by cutting down the old dead tree
we all know affectionately as "Old Dead-y."
- Hey, Louis. - Yeah?
I got to admit that this is a pretty impressive presentation.
- Thank you. - Yup, but are you sure that this is safe?
Safe? Ren, please.
I figured this out all scientifically, you know?
I know it... it's going to fall right there, right behind you.
Okay.
(TREE CRACKING)
Oh, dear.
I've always wanted to say this, brother.
- Timber! - (TREE CRACKING)
(CROWD GROANING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(YELLING)
Run!!!
See? I told you that club was bogus, Mr. Wexler.
(SOBBING)
(SOBBING) Oh, God!
Look what they've done to my sweet, sweet ride!
Oh...
Principal Wexler, I'm so sorry. I know you loved that car.
Yes! I did love her!
Fortunately, that's what insurance is for.
Larry, you sent out that payment, didn't you?
Well, see, I remember you giving me the mail
but, see, I just didn't get around to doing... I'm so sorry, Mr. Wexler!
I'm so sorry!
(GASPS) Mr. Wexler!
Principal Wexler, come on, breathe, breathe.
Principal Wexler, breathe.
Oh, Principal Wexler, are you okay?
Ren...
Please don't tell Mother about the car.
She loaned me the down payment.
No, it's okay, Principal Wexler.
I mailed your insurance check yesterday.
- You did? - Yup.
You're covered. They will replace your car.
But you weren't working for me yesterday.
I didn't want it to fall through the cracks.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Ren, you are a jewel!
Oh, pshaw.
Ren, I... I want to apologize.
You're so good at what you do that I sometimes forget
that you're the student and I'm the principal.
Well, it's okay.
But hey, we made a pretty good team.
Ren, would you...?
Yeah, if you'll have me.
- Welcome back. - Oh, thank you.
TUGNUT: Ren!
Ren!
(STRANGLED SCREAM)
I can't find my Tweety whistle!
(SOBBING)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)