(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
WEXLER: Each of you holds in your hands
the profile of the student you will be tutoring
in the county-wide "Writing is Fun!" program.
You've been randomly assigned a third grader
from somewhere in the county
to shepherd through the exciting world of creative writing.
But before we open your envelopes and meet your little buddies
I'd like to thank you for volunteering.
Okay?
You may now open your envelopes and meet your little friend.
Oh, no!
This cannot be happening.
Just think of all the gazillions of kids who need tutors, you got me.
I know. All right, you know what?
How about you stay out of my drawers?
Okay, Beans, so, let's get started, shall we?
What do you want to write about?
How about... pretzels?
Why pretzels?
'Cause they're bendy and salty
- and you dip them in mustard. - Hmm.
On second thought how about we just eat some?
Uh, Beans, you can have pretzels later.
Right now, you are gonna do some creative writing.
- What's that? It sounds hard. - No. No, it's not so hard.
It's just making up stories.
Okay. I can do that.
I got nothing.
(SIGHS)
MAN: (ON TV) And the last thing I remember
was a blinding light shining in my truck and I woke up in a turnip field
and my shoelaces were gone.
I'm sure it was them aliens.
Is this the fabricated story of a lonely chicken farmer,
or indisputable proof that aliens walk amongst us?
One thing we know for sure, we are not alone.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
- Hey, dude. - What?
Do you think aliens really live among us?
Well, we don't have turnip fields in Sacramento.
Do we?
Well, I don't know. What's a turnip look like?
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - (BOTH GASPING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Dude, you want to get the door with me, man?
Why?
I just, uh... think it would be funner
if, uh, we did it together, you know?
Okay. Sure.
Okay, go ahead, buddy.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
My name's Mason.
I'm looking for Bernard Aranguren.
Bernard... Oh, Beans. Yeah, he's up with my sister.
Why? What's the problem?
You let me worry about that.
Okay.
All right, I'll go get him.
- So, Mason... - I'd prefer you didn't talk.
(MOUTHING)
Okay, you know what? Um, forget imagination.
Just... Just write what you're feeling right now.
Oh, I could do that.
Good. That's great.
- Does "gassy" have two S's or three? - (SIGHS)
- Two. - (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- LOUIS: Ren? Ren, open the door. - Hold on.
You know what? Just keep working, and, um, you're doing great.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Yes. What is it?
Some creepy guy in a suit wants to see Beans.
Hold on one second.
Beans, uh... (CHAIR SQUEAKING)
Okay, he was right here a minute ago.
Oh, well.
Oh. Good. You're back.
Yeah, so, uh, Beans isn't here.
When do you expect him home?
- Home? I mean, he doesn't live here. - No.
Interesting.
He gave this address as his residence.
- That is interesting. - Yeah.
You know where he lives?
- Down by the restaurant on... - Like, four blocks.
- No. On Fourth Street by the restaurant. - You sure?
Okay. I see how it's gonna be.
Well, you tell your little friend Bernard that Mason's looking for him.
Mason, why don't you just tell us what this is regarding
and then maybe we can...
It's regarding official government business.
We know about the long journey home.
Dude, that Mason guy was pretty creepy, huh?
- Yeah. - Comes over here looking for...
Dude, what are you doing?
- I don't know. - What's up?
What's up, Beans? Um, some guy was looking for you, buddy.
I never heard of him.
Yeah, I... I didn't even say his name yet, buddy.
But his name's Mason.
Never heard of him, either.
You know, Beans, um,
he said he knew about the long journey home.
I don't know what you're talking about. I got to go.
Dude...
isn't it weird that Beans is always here and we don't know where he lives?
Yeah, yeah, or how he got here.
LOUIS: Dude, where is he going?
(BEEPING)
Hey, dude, where did your dad get these night vision binoculars anyway?
I don't know. I'm not supposed to ask.
(WHIRRING)
LOUIS: Oh! I lost him.
Where'd he go?
I don't know. I saw him scurrying into those bushes right there,
and then that's where I lost him.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Buddy, buddy, look!
Are those his footprints right there? You see them?
- Dude, let's follow him. - Yeah.
Nice.
Dude?
These prints just end. They just stop right there.
- They stop? - Yeah.
Well, uh, maybe he flew away, right?
(LAUGHS) Right?
Dude, I... I don't know. This is getting kind of freaky.
You just want to get out of here?
Yeah, kind of.
All right.
Wait.
(INSECTS CHIRPING, COYOTES YIPPING)
Dude, which way is out of here?
- Didn't we come up from up there? - Wait one second.
- I've got my compass right here. - Oh, nice.
Um, it's...
Why is my compass freaking out?
Dude, I don't know. Maybe, uh, there's some...
Some magnetic fields coming off of Beans' mother ship, right?
(BOTH LAUGH)
(CRYING)
Oh, my God!
(WHINY CHITTERING)
(STAIRS CREAKING)
(CHITTERING)
Beans, you are early. Let's see how you're doing.
Don't look.
Well, why? I just want to see what your story's about.
When the time is right, the whole world will know my story.
Oh, come on. Well, I... I can see that you're motivated
so I'll just... I'll...
Hmm.
(SIZZLING)
Oh, that is a genius, buddy.
Yeah, buddy. It really wasn't anything.
All I did was take the antitheft tracking device
out of my mom's car and soldered it to this here belt.
Oh, yeah? Now, all we've got to do is get old Beans wear it
and track him straight to his mother ship.
It shouldn't be long now.
I smell pig strips.
I told you.
(BEEPING)
Wow! Cool belt!
Yeah. This little thing.
You can't have it, Beans. It's a big boy belt.
I could sport that belt if I wanted.
- I don't know. - TWITTY: Lou, come on.
It's too tight for you anyways, man.
I don't know.
No. I don't think so, dude. His fingers are too greasy.
- He'll get it all over the place. - No. Look.
Look, he's a good kid. He loves the belt. Come on, cut him a break.
Please.
All right, Beans.
But you got to promise me, dude.
You got to be careful with this belt. You got to take it straight home.
- I promise. - LOUIS: You promise? All right, dude.
- You promised. - Okay, I promise.
All right, dude.
- There you go. - Get it really tight.
- LOUIS: There you go, buddy. - BEANS: Cool.
(BELT BEEPING)
(BEEPING)
(PANTING)
Dude, I don't think anyone lives out here.
Stay the course, Twitty. Stay the course.
Let's go. Let's go!
It looks like he's headed for that clearing over there.
- Yeah? - See it?
Go!
I'm right behind you.
This is not a spaceship.
Spaceship? It's a house, Twitty.
TWITTY: Dude, I cannot believe we went through all that.
Yeah, I think we went a little overboard this time.
I mean, check it out. It's a normal house with a normal mailbox
- and a normal porch. - Yeah.
BEANS: Mom, Dad, I'm home.
And two normal giant-sized termite parents!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Mommy!
You guys realize that this is completely crazy, right?
Beans is a pest, but he's not some big, giant alien bug.
No, no, I saw what I saw, all right?
I know what I saw. You saw what I saw, too.
- I saw it. - So you can't tell me that.
There was this big,
huge exoskeletal being walking around like this, all right?
Look, Ren, all I know
is that if Beans starts sprouting tentacles I'll be all over it.
Come on, Beans.
Hey, guys.
Donnie, Louis and Twitty think that Beans and his family
are a big bunch of alien bugs from another planet.
- TWITTY: That's right. - I saw it. I saw what I saw.
Whatever. Hey, Lou, tell Mom I'm borrowing the car.
- All right. - (REN SIGHS)
Well, if you'll please excuse me, I have a termite to tutor.
(IN BUG-LIKE VOICE) Whatever, Ren, whatever you say. Whatever tutor says.
Beans?
(GROANS) Beans, you may not be an alien
but you are definitely a slob.
Oh, look.
He finished his story. How sweet.
What is this?
- Louis! - What was that?
(LOUIS GRUNTS)
Stop.
Look, there's something really weird going on with Beans.
- Oh, you think so? - Yeah, yeah.
Look what he wrote for his story.
All this?
REN: Mm-hmm.
Man, that is so E.T.
You know what this is? This here... This...
- is a manual to take over the planet. - You're right.
Whatever it is, it's creeping me out.
BOTH: It's creeping...
That just creeped me out.
- (BANGING AT DOOR) - (ALL GASP)
Ren, you wanna get that? I'm busy right now.
- Oh, no way. No way, Louis. - I'm busy, I'm doing stuff.
- Go. - LOUIS: Okay. Fine. Just chill.
(BANGING AT DOOR)
That's the guy.
That's the government agent, that's the guy who's looking for Beans.
- He's at the door right now. - REN: Government agent?
- He's at the door. - Yeah, he was here the other day.
- I think he's with the ATD. - Yeah.
ATD.
Yeah, you know, the Alien Tracking Department.
This is so ridiculous.
Really? Really?
Well, the other day, he told us
to tell Beans that he knew all about the long journey home.
What about that right there?
Yeah, and what did Beans say when you told him?
- Told me what? - Oh.
ALL: Beans.
I've been looking all over for you guys.
Are you trying to avoid me?
- No. - No. No, actually...
I know what you're thinking.
Dude, dude, he's in our brains!
No eye contact! Look away! Look away!
- (BANGING ON WINDOW) - (SCREAMING)
Bernard Aranguren, I know you're in there!
Oh, no, that's Mason. You guys got to hide me!
Right here. Underneath this. Get under.
TWITTY: Beans, Beans, Beans.
- Right here, buddy. - Under here.
MASON: I know you're in there!
Look, I know you're not like us and that's okay, you know?
- It's not a problem. - (MASON YELLING)
But you gotta be honest with me. You know what I'm saying?
You gotta be honest.
- What's going on? - It's hard to explain,
but that guy Mason's out to get me.
- He's a very bad man. - (BANGING AT DOOR)
Aranguren, it's over. You cannot run anymore.
(BANGING AT DOOR)
Please, you guys got to help me.
You don't know what he would do to someone like me.
He'd probably split you up the gut and dissect you.
- (SCREAMING) - Stop, stop, stop.
Guys, we have got to get Beans out of here.
This is so much fun.
Fun? How much do you weigh? (GRUNTS)
Aranguren!
Aranguren, I see you!
- You can't hide anymore! - Hang on, Beans.
I'll get you, Aranguren.
(LAUGHS) We got him beat.
Beans, we did it, buddy. We did it, man!
We're free! Enjoy your freedom, Beans.
Feel the wind in your face.
I think I got a bug in my teeth.
Mm, crunchy.
(POLICE CHATTER OVER RADIO)
Reporting a stolen bike.
(SIREN BLARING)
Beans!
OFFICER: Please stop your bike now and pull over to the left.
It's not looking good, Beans. Get down.
OFFICER: Pull over.
- Pull your bike over to the left. - It's not looking good, man.
OFFICER: Please pull over.
Oh, man, Beans. (SCREAMS)
(CHEERING)
Beans, you did it! We're flying, buddy!
I'm the king of the world, Beansy!
- Hmm? - (SCREAMING)
(LOUIS AND BEANS GROANING)
(SIREN BLARING)
- Beans, you okay? - Yeah.
- LOUIS: Coppers! - (TIRES SCREECH)
I'll take it from here, Officer.
EILEEN: Boys, are you okay?
LOUIS: Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm fine. - He's not fine.
He thought we could fly.
People, listen.
There's no reason to be scared of this boy or his alien ways.
All right? 'Cause I think with love and understanding,
Beans and his family, his whole family,
can become upstanding citizens of our community.
Louis, I think you may have a fever. Let me feel your head.
No, no, no, Mom, I'm fine.
Mom, um, Louis thinks,
and there is some evidence to support this theory
that, um, Beans is from another planet.
What? No, I'm not.
Beans, look, dude. Look, man.
There's no reason to pretend anymore, all right?
You're with friends.
Come on, nobody's gonna dissect my little buddy.
That's right, Beans.
Yeah, that's right.
Well, before the kid goes back to Pluto, he better cough up that library book.
What? Library book?
Sacramento Public Library
takes the matter of overdue publications very seriously.
I was gonna return it on time,
but I didn't think there'd be so many words.
Wait, hold on.
Long Journey Home?
You work for the library?
And we always get our book.
Just tell me one thing.
Does Ginger the talking sheep make it back to her flock?
All right, fine, fine. That was one coincidence.
It's not a big thing.
What about the, uh... What about the police car
that was chasing us at 50 down the street?
Because you forgot to tell Mom I borrowed the car, you lunk head.
She reported it stolen.
They turned on the antitheft system and led us right to you.
Which I put on Beansy's belt buckle.
Louis, you are in so much trouble.
There's a reason for it. There's a reason we did that.
We were following him and his footprints disappeared, Mom.
No, what happened was...
Fine, maybe he was in the tree. But what about Twitty's compass?
Huh? It was spinning around
because what was happening was Beans was manipulating
the Earth's ultra-magnetic field to make it spin around all crazy.
Why's my compass freaking out?
Louis, a simple magnet could mess up a compass.
Um, you mean like my lucky magnet?
LOUIS: Oh, Twitty. I don't believe this.
Any other unexplained phenomenon, honey?
Yes, uh...
Ren, Ren, what about the alien manifesto he wrote on your computer?
Now, wait.
I have a feeling that this, too, has a logical explanation.
BEANS: Hmm... "weird symbols." What's that?
Cool.
"Weird symbols" font.
You know, I always wondered what that was for.
All right, fine. Fine, there's an explanation for everything.
Except one little detail.
Beansy's parents are giant termites!
What about that, Beans?
Yeah, what about that?
(IMITATES ALIEN)
- DAD: We come in peace. - MOM: But we leave in pieces.
DAD: If bugs are bugging you call the folks at Aranguren Exterminators.
MOM: They'll zap 'em.
BOTH: Zap 'em good.
So your parents are exterminators.
They were trying on their costumes for their commercial.
You see, Beans, I told them, you know.
Twitty and Ren, they came to this horrible conclusion
and for that, I am very sorry, Beans.
Nice try, Louis, but I'm sorry.
- Yeah, me, too, buddy. - It still hurts.
Yes, it's very sad. You can go home now.
What about dinner?
- We're, uh... - Mom, Mom...
It's the least we could do.
I suppose.
What about pudding for dinner? I like pudding.
Oh, how about Chinese food?
No, no, no, no! Stop it, that's my Chinese.
(ALL TALKING OVER EACH OTHER)
WEXLER: And I can't tell you
how proud I am that you were able to inspire your tutees
to write such wonderful stories.
One in particular really tickled my funny bone.
(LAUGHS) Let's see, here it is.
"'My Day as an Alien, ' by Bernard Aranguren."
(LAUGHS) What a hoot.
Tell us, Ren, how did you get the little guy to be so creative?
Oh, well, let's just say some kids have big imaginations.
Hey, Dad. That was a close one, huh?
(CHITTERING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)