(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
Check that out. It's one of the Olsen twins.
- Which one? - Ashley.
Oh, right, 'cause of the freckle.
Dude, I am the king of celebrity chip look-alikes
- all over the world! Yes? - Dude! Louis!
I wouldn't be saying that aloud on the street, okay?
- Just keep it... - Hey, gents.
What's up?
Take five, Grayson.
Why is that kid wearing a leash?
(CHUCKLES) Maybe he bites.
Mock if you must
but this is my cousin, Grayson Gribalski.
Grayson, Monsieurs Louis and Twitty.
I'm honored.
Don't suck up, Grayson. They can't help with your career.
Grayson's in training.
Tom, no offense but he seems a little soft for boxing.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Whoo! - Whoo!
Newsflash: Grayson's in training to defend his title
in the Little Mr. Sacktown Pageant.
What? That little guy right there
is Little Mr. Sacktown?!
He's won the crown two years in a row.
Tom, nobody cares about your dumb pageant.
It's just a popularity contest.
It happens to be an extremely positive
personality, fitness and creative-expression competition.
Oh.
Did I mention the thousand-dollar prize?
A thousand dollars?
That's how we got these snazzy wheels.
Mush, Grayson!
There you go, Lefkowitz.
The Surgeon General's dos and don'ts of skateboard safety.
Be careful next time, okay?
So, ladies, are we ready for the mall this afternoon?
Oh, half-off sale at Scrunchy Junction.
I am so there.
My turn.
(BELLS TINKLING)
On second thought, Ren.
I don't think I'll be partaking in this afternoon's excursion.
Excuse me.
Monique...
- What flew up her nose? - I'm not too sure.
- Ow! Ow! - (REN GASPS) Oh!
Hey, Look at this, Beans, okay?
Little Mr. Sacktown gets to appear
on public access TV with the Mayor himself.
You like that, huh?
Big deal. It's just cable.
Tawny?
Well, I'm not really a pageant person
but Beans would look really cute in a little tuxedo.
Don't you think so, Louis?
I think it's a big waste of time. That's what I think.
Hey, kids!
BOTH: Hi, Mr. Stevens.
Hey, Lou, I'm headed up to the roof to install our new satellite dish.
Nice.
300 channels of crystal-clear digital programming.
- Cool. - Yep.
I sure could use some help up there.
Yeah, bet you could.
Lou, are you getting the hint?
Oh, right, of course. Sorry.
Donnie, Dad needs your help outside!
TWITTY: Here's a sample question. If a genie granted you one magical wish
what would you wish for?
- Bacon. - Bacon.
Okay, Beans. I think the judges need to hear, like a whole sentence.
Crispy bacon.
Still a fragment,
- but we're getting there, right? - Right.
No, no, you're not getting there. You're not.
You're not getting anywhere.
You guys don't know what you're doing!
You don't get to be Little Mr. Sacktown by talking about bacon.
I'm sorry.
Beans... Hey, buddy, listen.
Beans, do you want that crown?
Do you want to be able to walk down that runway
and wave to that crowd while flashbulbs go off in your face
and a low-level local celebrity sings
the Little Mr. Sacktown theme song?
(SINGING) He's the pint-sized prince from Central Cali.
The shining star from the San Joaquin Valley.
- You want that, don't you, Beans? - I do.
You do? Then, Beans, let me coach you.
We can get the crown, man.
I'm putty in your hands.
(SCREAMING)
I could use a little help now!
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hey, did you bring the science notes?
- Right here. - Come on in.
Let's get started.
Ruby should be here in a few minutes.
Ruby?
Yeah. She went home to feed Jaws, her iguana.
Ren, I just remembered I probably have something that I have to do.
Monique... sit.
All right, what is going on with you and Ruby?
It's just going to sound so petty.
No. Look, it's bothering you and it's affecting your friendship.
Okay, but you have to double swear not to say anything to Ruby.
I swear. I swear.
Remember earlier today when Ruby signed that cast?
Well, that was my googly-eyed pen.
I loaned it to her two weeks ago, in Science
and she never gave it back.
But it's just a pen. Ask her for it back.
It's a matter of principle.
A true friend should not have to be reminded
to return something so precious as the googly-eyed pen
your great-aunt Tasha gave you for your sixth birthday.
Well, how is she going to know that you're mad at her if you don't tell her?
If she's really my friend, she'll figure it out.
And you double swear not to say anything.
I know.
Good, good, good. You've got decent bone structure there, Beans.
Let's a have a look-see.
Uh-huh, that's a good sign. It's not shining through.
- Uh, Louis. - Wha...
- Forget it. - Yeah.
Tawny, are all the consent forms signed?
Yeah, everything's in order.
Next step is we ought to find out
a talent you're going to do at the competition.
Beans, do you know any songs?
I know "Polly Wolly Doodle."
Great. Then sing your heart out.
I don't know the words.
Okay, then just hum it.
I don't like to hum. It makes my teeth itch.
Beans, just admit it! You don't know "Polly Wolly Doodle."
Oh, really?
(ARMPIT FARTS TO TUNE OF "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE")
What? Beans, you can't do...
Louis, was that "Polly Wolly Doodle"?
Yeah. Beansy here's going to play it for the Little Mr. Sacktown Pageant.
Oh, no, he is not. Not if I'm coaching him.
Wait a second. Louis, you're involved with this, too?
You would think that this would be the last...
Thank you so much!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Always a pleasure.
Beans, how you doing?
Beans, focus, all right?
Focus, focus, focus.
Good.
Now, Beans, we got to figure out a talent you can do
that's going to blow the judges out of the water.
Think about it.
Good. Keep the form on that one. Keep the form. There you go.
The last one. Go down there.
This one here, Beans. Keep it going.
You're gonna find... Back to the other one.
Keep going, Beans. No! Over here.
(MUTTERING)
Beans!
Stop it, Beans!
Hey, allow me.
Beans, let's call it a day, all right?
Okay, boss.
See you tomorrow, bright and early.
Hi, Mrs. Stevens.
Hi, there, Beans.
(CHUCKLES) That unusual little boy
- has certainly grown attached to you. - Yeah.
I hope this wasn't my good china.
No, no, no. I got it cheap at a circus supply store.
Oh, well. Why?
Well, 'cause I'm training Beans for the pageant.
Soda?
- You're training... For the pageant? - Yeah.
I thought you said you were...
No, Ma, it doesn't even matter. It doesn't even matter.
He doesn't have what it takes.
He's annoying. Just hearing him talking gives me gas.
It gives me gas. I physically hurt.
And then you can shine a light through his ears.
I didn't know I'm wasting my time.
The kid's totally hopeless.
So, that's a cool pen.
Thanks. It's kind of goofy but that's why I love it.
Where'd you get it?
You know, I don't really remember.
Oh, come on, a pen like that doesn't appear out of thin air.
Why do you care so much about my pen?
Well, I was just wondering.
Maybe it has an amazing history behind it.
Ren...
it's a pen.
Hey, Ren.
Come in.
What does this say here?
Oh!
"I hate you. Signed, Beans."
"I hate..."
Yeah, he hates you.
"I hate you"?
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
Don't you think you've had enough, sweetie?
It's been one of those days, Sylvia.
I hear you, kid.
Hey, buddy.
What do you want?
Well, I got your note.
Guess you heard all those bad things I said about you, huh?
Beans, you mind if I show you something?
Who's the freak in the monkey suit?
The freak is yours truly.
That's a stupid name.
No, no, no, that's me.
See?
- You were in the pageant? - Yeah.
I was a goofy little kid with stars in his eyes.
I thought it'd be so cool to wear that crown, you know?
What happened?
Well, I blew it.
You know, I had no coaching
or support team or none of that stuff.
When I got out there on that stage and looked at the audience
they were all laughing at me.
And that's when I felt the breeze.
And then I looked down and sure enough
my zipper was at half-mast.
So, I spun around real fast, you know, so nobody saw
and I fell right into the orchestra pit.
And let me tell you something, Beans
the trombones hurt
in a way that you will never understand.
- What a loser. - Yes.
Which is why I worked you so hard.
I was living my dreams through you.
So, this is all about you?
Exactly, Beans.
Which is why we got to get back to work.
I got some glory to grab.
Forget it.
I'm going to win that crown on my own.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Beans, Beans.
You can't make the same mistake I made, man.
You can't go up there and make a fool of yourself.
- I can and I will. - (CAR HORN HONKING)
That's my ride.
Fine, Beans!
But don't expect me to be there when you go down in...
(DOOR SLAMS)
(TINKLING)
Psst. Ruby.
Stop biting on that pen.
I'm sorry, I chew when I think.
Okay, think about this.
Chew on your nails like a normal person.
Ren, is there a problem?
No, Ms. Levelson. Just something important came up.
Oh. Well, if it's so important
why don't you tell the rest of the class.
- Oh... I can't do that. - Mm-hmm.
Okay, then, I'm just going to have to assume
that you were cheating.
Ms. Levelson, please.
She was just bugging me about this stupid pen.
She's, like, obsessed with it.
Excuse me.
That pen is not stupid.
I have had enough!
That is Monique's googly-eyed pen.
You borrowed it, forgot to return it; now return it!
Monique, I had no idea.
I'm so sorry.
I forgive you.
If Ren was a good friend, she would've told me.
(SCOFFS) Me?
Ren, you broke a double swear.
I... You guys put me in a horrible situation
and now you're blaming me.
I am so out of here.
After I finish this test
I am so out of here.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - Sack.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the 25th Annual Little Mr. Sacktown Pageant.
And now, here there are direct from TV's Cartoon Carnival
your host for the 25th consecutive year...
Uncle Tuck and Saucy!
Thank you, Neil. Thank you, folks.
Hey, welcome, welcome. Welcome, everybody.
Hey, Saucy, why don't you welcome the folks
to the Little Mr. Sacktown Pageant.
You just did that, knucklehead.
- (GIGGLES) - Saucy... (LAUGHTER)
Hey, Saucy, are you excited about tonight?
Where's what's-his-name, parking his bicycle?
Um, actually, Beans
Louis isn't going to be able to make it.
Oh, well, who cares?
I have a pageant to win.
(CHATTER FROM TV)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
What? You guys haven't moved for five hours.
What are you watching?
Shh! Program Guide.
STEVE: Do you know how many channels we have?
Oh, that's ridiculous. I'm driving.
MAN: (ON TV) Next Wednesday night...
(MUSIC PLAYS)
Dirty sink... Hey, honey. You okay?
No. My two best friends hate me over a stupid, ugly pen.
- (CHANNELS CHANGING) - That's too bad. (LAUGHS)
But look how many channels we have.
Bernard Aranguren.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
Is that Beans?
(APPLAUSE)
Aw, dude, I knew you'd be here for the little guy no doubt.
Oh, no, I'm just here 'cause the little guy
owes me 12 bucks for bacon.
- Oh. - So, how's he doing?
(ALL GASP)
Aw, Beans.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Whoo!
That kid's really got charisma. Maybe he should see a doctor.
Saucy... And now our final contestant.
Little Mr. Sacktown for two years running
Grayson Gribalski.
Whoo!
Hey, Saucy, that looks like the tuxedo you wore at your third wedding.
And I'm still paying for that mistake.
AUDIENCE: Saucy...
We'll be right back.
For those of you folks watching at home
here's the latest judges' scores.
Hey, check it out, Beans and Grayson are tied for the lead.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - Great, let's check the guide.
- No. Let go. Stop it. - Come on. Please.
- Oh, come... Ow! - Stop. Stop.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it.
Ren, we felt terrible.
You were right.
We put you in a horrible position.
Please forgive us.
Oh, of course, I forgive you guys.
Ooh!
But from now on we have to be totally honest with each other.
- Brutally. - Completely.
And, Ren, we felt so bad about how we acted
we wanted to give you this.
- Your very own googly-eyed pen. - Don't you just love it?
Well, um, since we're being completely, brutally
totally honest here, um...
I... (TINKLING)
I love it!
Next up for our interview question...
Hey, surf's up for Grayson Gribalski.
(APPLAUSE)
If you could have any superpower
what would it be and why?
If I could have a superpower, I would want world peace.
- What? - (APPLAUSE)
That's not a power.
- That's a brilliant answer, Jason. - Grayson.
Grayson, Jason. Whatever.
All right, thank you very much.
All right, our next interviewee and final contestant
is the very dapper Bernard "Beans" Aranguren.
(APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
All right, Beans
if a magic genie could grant you any wish
what would that wish be?
Don't say bacon, Beans. Don't say bacon.
I would say bacon.
Oof.
Oh, all right. Thank you very much, Beans.
Mister, let me finish.
I wish I had enough bacon for everyone in the world
so that no one would ever be hungry again.
Oh, that's a terrific answer.
(APPLAUSE)
I love you, Beans.
I love you.
(APPLAUSE)
He... he... he's in the zone.
Don't say that, Cousin Grayson.
We still have the talent competition.
Now go, go, go.
- (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS) - (AUDIENCE CLAPS)
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
(MARCHING BAND MUSIC PLAYING)
- (APPLAUSE) - (LAUGHING)
(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYING)
- (APPLAUSE) - UNCLE TUCK: Oh, terrific!
(PLAYS "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE")
(APPLAUSE)
Grayson Gribalski. Wasn't he terrific?
Yeah, he was terrific.
Okay.
And now Bernard Aranguren.
Maybe he's back there having some more bacon.
- Louis. - Yeah, bud?
Where are the plates?
Beans, forget the plates.
Now you got this far doing it your own way
now I want you to go out there and win this Beans style.
Bernard Aranguren!
(APPLAUSE)
Ladies and gentlemen "Polly Wolly Doodle."
(ARMPIT SPUTTERING)
(FARTING TO TUNE OF "POLLY WOLLY DOODLE")
(GROANING)
(SONG ENDS)
(CHEERING)
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Well...
- That was really disgusting. - Yeah.
He had a big lead.
Maybe he could still hang on.
And now the moment we've all been waiting for.
What? You're leaving the business?
Saucy, we're going to have to have a little talk
when this is all over.
Ladies and gentlemen, our runner-up...
second best contestant
and winner of a much smaller crown...
Beans Aranguren.
(APPLAUSE)
Little Mr. Sacktown for the third consecutive year.
Ladies and gentlemen, Grayson Gribalski.
(CHEERING)
(APPLAUSE)
(SINGING) He's the pint-sized prince of Central Cali.
The shining star of the San Joaquin Valley.
Louis, you should be proud.
Beans lost to one of the greats.
Hey, look, and Lou, you know, second place isn't that bad.
I'm surprised the kid found his way in.
I know, I just don't want him to be too crushed.
You know what I'm saying?
I got a crown! I got a crown!
Yeah, you did, man. Good job.
Louis, I know you always wanted a crown.
What, you did?
Uh, y... yeah, it's a long story.
I want you to have this one.
Beans, no, man. You worked too hard for it.
Okay.
No, no, Beans, Beans, I was being polite.
Too late... you snooze, you lose.
Beans, give me my crown.
Beans!
How come you never told me you were in that pageant?
'Cause you would've goofed on me for the next hundred years.
That is so true.
Here you go, fellas.
- Enjoy your bacon. - Thank you.
Oh, thanks.
Hey.
You stunk out there, you no-talent stiff.
I am so sick of your abuse.
And I'm changing the locks!
What are you looking at?
(SCREAMING)