(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
All right, your soy cookie...
For your carrot sticks.
- Okay. - Fruit cup.
I'll take my soy cookie back.
I get the spoon.
Okay, happy?
It was a pleasure doing business with you.
It was fun.
Yeah. But, wait, I think something flew in my eye.
- In your eye? - Yeah.
Let me see.
- Do you see anything? - Yeah. There's a little
baby soy cookie crumb right there. Hold on.
Got it.
Hey, Tawny, what are you doing?
Uh... Come on.
We have a costume fitting for the school play.
Oh, right. Sorry.
Dude, this is huge. You kissed Tawny?
I definitely, without a doubt, might have.
Well, please. There's no "might have" about it, okay?
Kissing is like basketball.
Either the ball went in the hoop or it didn't, okay?
So, tell me how long you "might" have kissed her for.
Dude, I don't know.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi...?
Well, yeah, like one Mississippi. At least.
Oh, swish, dude. You kissed her.
Really?
Uh-oh. You and... and Tawny.
It's beautiful.
It is. I know.
It... it... it makes me... want to skip.
Skip it.
I'm going to skip.
Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
There she was, eating her lunch
and I, like, jumped on her.
For all I know, Tawny is disgusted by me.
- Lou, Lou, Lou. - Dude, I don't know what to...
Hey, hey, calm down.
Just calm down. Calm down
and let your Uncle Twitty
go on a little fact-finding mission. All right?
All right but listen.
You be smooth, all right?
- Butter. - Lou, I'm all over it.
Mrs. Adams, I am but a lowly manservant
but the time has come for your husband
founding father John Adams
to embark on a long and dangerous journey
to France in this year of our Lord 1783.
Yes, Renè, I will miss him deeply
but I'm sure he will accomplish many great things for our new country.
Good-bye, my husband.
Good-bye, my wife. Renè...
saddle my horse so I may take my leave.
Cut!
Brilliant!
Genius!
Who wrote this?
I did.
Hey, Tawny.
Don't rush your lines there. Abigail Adams was a woman of conviction.
It's important that the audience feels her commitment
her patience, her...
COACH TUGNUT: Complete boredom.
Excuse me, Coach Tugnut.
Yeah. As theater advisor, you're entitled to your comments
but I remember our discussion about having them after the rehearsal.
Can I see you for a moment?
Take five, cast.
Hey, Abigail, want to grab a root beer?
I suppose, yeah.
Master will you be needing my services?
No, Tom. Are you sure?
I have shillings for the vending machine.
No, Tom, and feel free to get out of character.
No, you guys go ahead, okay?
Hey, Twitty. What's up?
Nothing.
What's up with you?
I'm just rehearsing.
What are you doing here after school?
Nothing. You know, I was just in the area
and thought I'd come by, ask you some questions
you know.
Yeah, so, uh, where...
where are your parents from originally?
My mother is from Modesto and my father is from Gilroy.
Right. Gilroy.
You know what, Twitty? I'm going to stop you, okay.
'Cause eventually you're going to ask me about the kiss
Louis gave me today at lunch.
Look, if he wants to talk to me about it, he can talk to me without your help.
Okay?
So, you just tell him to meet me at his locker
ten minutes before first period.
Right.
Sweet.
Your play is a rancid pile of stinking garbage.
What?
Look.
If I can touch one person with the life of this special woman
then all the sweat and effort
that I have put into this is worth it.
Well, according to the latest box office figures,
The Long (SNORES) Wait for Freedom
has sold no tickets.
No tickets?
Zip.
Zero.
Squat.
But I... I don't get it.
Abigail Adams is one of the most inspirational women
of our American history.
Whatever.
Look, they pay me 92 bucks to be the theater advisor
so let me do some advising. You want to put fannies in the seats?
Spice up this dog.
- Hi. - Hi.
You look tired or something.
Uh...
Yeah. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
You know.
A lot of tossing and turning.
Thinking a lot
about... a... a lot of stuff.
Yeah, me, too.
Yeah?
What kind of stuff were you thinking about?
Yesterday. What happened.
Cafeteria.
So... It was... very unexpected.
Oh.
But it was nice.
Oh.
Look, Louis, I like you.
I always have since...
- since the first day I met you. - Why didn't you tell me?
We could have been kissing up a storm.
Well, I told myself, if it was meant to be
it would happen on its own.
And it, and it... and it did.
I've never had a boyfriend before.
Me neither.
Hey, baby, want some celery?
Thank you so much.
Only 15 more hours till I see you.
Yeah. I like anchovies, too.
Louis!
I got to go.
Johnny...
when you didn't get off that train
I doubted you
and I shouldn't have, should I?
MAN: No, my darling. You should never...
She loves him so much.
Gets me every time.
- MAN: You're my number one. - Give me those.
WOMAN: My ace in the hole.
- MAN: My queen. - Thanks.
- WOMAN: My muffin man. - MAN: My cupcake.
That is it.
And I love you, you big lug.
Tugnut is right.
My play needs the raw, unbridled passion
of two people in love.
Huh. Family!
I've got a rewrite to do.
I will take dinner in my room.
Dinner? What are we having for dinner?
Did you adopt him without telling me?
Donnie?
What did you think of the movie, honey?
- Neat. - Neat?
Don't you feel something inside?
Well, yeah, you know, I kind of feel something like, right in here.
(BURPS) There it was.
You know, son...
There's nothing wrong with a man having a good cry every once in a while.
In fact, that's healthy.
Really?
You still cry, Dad?
Oh, yeah.
I was a puddle after I lost that Reinsdorf case.
That was a tough loss.
Darn case!
Excuse me.
Beans...
what's wrong with me?
You mean, besides your breath?
Thanks for walking me to rehearsal.
Oh, anything for my beautiful lady.
REN: Come on, guys! Huddle up.
All right, now I know I hate to do this to you guys
on such short notice, but I've made some changes in the script.
Actually, a lot of them.
Oh. Hello.
- Your first girlfriend? - Yep.
Hmm.
Get ready for a lifetime of pain.
You cut my speech.
Yeah. That's right, Tom. A lot of speeches have been cut.
Well, whatever's best for the play, I suppose.
Okay, good.
Stable hands, there's a lot of new choreography because
there is a carriage chase in the second act.
And Zach and Tawny?
Tomorrow night, when that curtain falls, John and Abigail Adams
are going to be sharing a steamy, passionate
farewell kiss.
Yee-haw!
- (COUGHING) - TUGNUT: Yeah!
Now, that's what people want to see!
Right, Stevens?
(LAUGHING)
REN: Tom, look, it's nothing personal.
I just had to shorten your character's speech
to help the pace of the play.
Pace? What if I did
a brassiere more energetic manservant?
No, no, no.
No, but, hey! Thank you for the flowers. They're beautiful.
- Whatever. - Bye.
Aw, hey, Ren. Yeah, listen.
I, um... Excuse me.
I took the time to look over your play and I came up with a few suggestions, Ren.
- There you go. Yeah, at the end there... - What is this?
At the end...
You wrote a new ending to my play?
Yes, yes. It just wasn't working for me, you know?
Audiences love surprise and yours was just so predictable.
"John 'twas to exit, Abigail runs to her husband and gives him a haircut."
- Yeah. - A haircut?
You're ending my play with a haircut?
Well, I've never seen it before, Ren.
I know why you're here.
You just don't want Zach to kiss Tawny.
Ren, are you trying to humiliate me in front of my entire school?
No. You can do that all by yourself without my help.
I'm busy. Goodbye.
No, wait...
Beans!
- (BEANS GIGGLING QUIETLY) - Beans?
(GIGGLING)
Beans... hey.
Look, I just want to ask you a question.
All right. What is it?
Okay, well, the way I figure it... you're eight years old, right?
Yeah, so?
Okay, so you must cry at least once every day.
Half the time I'm faking.
Beans, come on, you are a crying machine, man!
I want to cry, too... I really do...
and I want you to show me.
All right. Follow me.
You know, Beans, I can't even remember the last time I cried.
I just want to feel something, you know? Anything.
What'd you get this for?
Okay, all right. I see what you're going for.
Well, this is my MVP Trophy
and I'll always feel very emotional
when I think about winning it
but I don't think it would ever make me cry.
- Really? - Nope.
Huh?
How about now?
Beeeaaannn!
Hey, Cutie Pants.
I've been looking all over for you.
I brought you my Tater Slabs.
I don't want them.
Louis, is something the matter?
Louis?
I think you should quit the play.
What?
Well, it's just, I don't think
this acting thing is right for you, you know?
You got to... you got to do long hours and...
travel all over the place and you got to memorize lines, too.
Louis, does this have anything to do with me kissing Zach?
- Who's that? - Zach.
- Zach? - Yeah.
Zach. Ha, ha!
Zach is the furthest thing from my mind, actually.
It's funny that you say that.
Really? Because you do understand
that what we're doing up there onstage
it's called "acting".
It's not real.
Really?
Besides, there's only one person
that I really want to kiss.
So, promise me you'll be okay with this?
All right, I promise.
I have to go to rehearsal.
Right.
Bye.
So, did you straighten her out yet?
Would you paranoid freaks relax?
Everything's fine, okay?
Louis, your honor has been broached!
A real man would march up to that Mr. Zach Estrada
and box his ears.
Tom, a real man would never say "box his ears."
Guys, I'm fine with this. All Tawny's doing up there
is called "acting." It doesn't mean anything.
Besides, the only person she really wants to kiss is me.
Oh, really?
Yes, really.
TAWNY: Have you finished your chores today, Renè?
TOM: Yes, milady.
Everything has been spit-shined
and sparkles like a Dutch whistle.
Oh, you're a loyal and faithful manservant.
Thank you, milady.
Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Adieu.
You look ravishing this evening, Ms. Adams.
You cut quite a dashing figure yourself, Johnny.
This is really good.
Tawny and Zach are just adorable together.
Their chemistry jumps right off the stage.
Care to join me in the drawing room?
I declare.
(MUFFLED GROANS)
(HORSE WHINNIES)
Look, this is the big scene.
Don't... hold... back.
Okay. All right.
Go.
Hey, there.
Humph.
Abigail I've decided that it's better
for the country if you stay here.
Oh, but, John, my darling, I will miss you so much.
Will you think of me often while you are in France?
I will think of you on two occasions:
When my eyes are open, and when they are closed.
Oh, John, I love you so much.
Sir, your, uh... Your chariot awaits you!
- What? - Yeah.
Uh, you have to come with me at once.
But... you're not my manservant, Renè.
Uh... Be gone!
Uh, yeah, well your manservant Renè...
How did Louis get your clothes?
He can be very persuasive.
But I must kiss my wife good-bye.
Nah, dude, you got to send her a postcard, e-email, something.
We got to miss rush-hour traffic.
Get onstage.
Go!
Come on. Unhand him!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
Excuse the undergarments, milady.
I was under the cherry tree napping.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
You, sir, are an impostor!
Resume your good-byes
while I have this scoundrel tarred and feathered.
(GRUNTING AND YELLING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Aw!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Thank you for coming.
Hope you enjoyed your night.
Don't forget.
Souvenir mugs and T-shirts for sale in the lobby!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Hey, I... I... I bought you a mug.
It's made out of genuine porcelain.
Yeah, maybe it's made out of plastic.
Louis, what is wrong with you?
You totally humiliated me out there.
You know what? You are the most selfish, immature, little...
What'd I tell you? A lifetime of pain.
Louis, what happened?
You promised me you'd be okay with this.
I don't know.
Look, you got to understand.
I tried to be mature and cool.
And the next thing I know, I'm up onstage wearing Tom's pants.
Look, I'm really sorry.
So, what are we supposed to do?
Let's just say, one of us might not be ready for a relationship.
(LAUGHS QUIETLY)
Yeah, I guess it was, you know
a lot easier when we were just friends.
Yeah.
Hey, can I keep the sweater?
Of course.
Can I still have your Tater Slabs?
You know what, I don't think that's going to work out.
(SIGHS) Well, I guess I'll see you around, then.
Friends?
All right.
You know what?
One more thing.
Hey, so a few props fell over.
That's the beauty of live theater.
- Dad, it was a fiasco. - Yeah, it was.
Ren, I remember you saying
that if you could touch just one person
it would make it all worthwhile.
Really? Well, who did I touch?
(CRYING)
When his eyes are opened
and when his eyes are closed.
That's all the time!