(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING)
(EXPLOSION)
Football, gymnastics, discus,
basketball...
Oh, yeah, and of course, Ultimate Frisbee.
TWITTY: What doesn't your brother do?
Uh...
It's kind of like you're George Pitt.
George Pitt?
Yeah, you know, if, like Brad Pitt had a younger brother
and even if, you know
you did all these great things on your own
it really wouldn't make a difference 'cause you'd never match up
to all your brother's accomplishments.
Thank you, man, no, really, thanks
is there any... is there anything else you want to say to me?
Yeah, your life stinks.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Windsprints, anyone?
Uh, yeah.
I know we should be out there doing windsprints
like everybody else
but he was feeling lightheaded.
- Like... - So I was just assisting him.
(BLOWS WHISTLE)
You were trying to cut P.E., Stevens...
something your brother Donnie never did when he was here.
Noses on the wall, both of you!
You know, Stevens tomorrow afternoon
when I enshrine your brother into our hall of fame.
I was thinking of starting off with a little story.
It was 11 years ago, and I was working yard duty
at Brookwell Elementary when I noticed
this raven-haired kindergarten kid playing tetherball
with the fifth graders
and quite frankly, putting them to shame.
(GROANING)
Have a nice run?
Yeah.
Beans, what are you doing in our house?
My house is boring.
You look thirsty.
Yeah, I am actually kind of thirsty.
(HUMMING)
Thanks, that's so sweet and convenient, too.
- You want to join me? - No, thanks.
I prefer to watch.
- Bottoms up. - Yeah.
Well, it's been swell.
I don't think so.
I'm sorry. Is there a problem?
(YELLING)
Yeah, there you go, Dale, good job.
Whoo!
Dig your shoulder into that.
What's up, Lou?
W... wait a second. This is my mattress!
No, no, this is my mattress, seriously!
Ah! Mitchell! Yeah!
What are you doing?
Don't you think I need something to sleep on?!
- That is my mattress. - Lou, we'll have it back by tonight.
No, no, look. You're knocking
- the stuffing out of my mattre... - We're trying to, baby!
(SCREAMING)
- Whoo! - Way to go, Donnie, yeah!
That's the way to hit it.
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
Son, is there a problem?
And... and before you answer, you should know
I have a flight to Chicago in 48 minutes.
Oh, that's... that's dandy, Dad. Look at my mattress!
There's drool and... and
shoulder sweat and grass stains...
and none of it's mine.
Settle down, son. Now, what seems to be the problem?
Donnie.
He uses my, my toothbrush to clean
his football cleats.
He steals the Canadian bacon
off the top of the pizza.
He ruined my mattress
and he's getting this award tomorrow after school.
Louis...
I get the picture.
Lou, I had four brothers of my own
and I know what it's like.
You wanted that last sausage
you had to fight for it.
Right.
I felt like I couldn't take it anymore.
You know what my dad did?
- What? - Nothing.
See you in a couple days.
Now, wait... wait a second, Dad.
Louis, sort it out. Set your own boundaries.
Dad...
Would you grab that for me, son?
Yeah.
Uh, uh, Dad, you might want to have...
(SCREAMS)
Now, Beans...
Why would you put pickle juice in my sports drink?
How tall are you?
Okay, focus with me, all right?
Um... why would you do that?
I thought it was funny.
That was not funny.
- Made me laugh. - (SIGHS)
What's in this drawer?
Okay! Listen. No more pranks.
All right?
'Cause if you do, you're just going to be coming up here
for more lectures.
- Is that perfectly clear? - Crystal.
Good.
I knew you'd understand, you know?
Because you're a smart guy.
Can I ask you a question?
Go ahead.
Where does toilet paper come from?
And he still holds the school record
for the eight-pound shot put
Mickey "Thud" Fanner!" Okay!
Congratulations, Mickey.
Take a seat, bud.
And now it's time for me to introduce the newest member
of the Wombat hall of fame.
He graduated two years ago, and, uh...
Oh, shoot, promised myself I wasn't going to cry.
Donnie Stevens, get up here!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Donnie has prepared a few words for us.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Thank you, Coach...
Tugnut.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Well said, Donnie.
Now, we all know that Donnie is the star
of his high school football team.
But I know that Donnie has some college dreams, too.
Donnie, can you tell the kids
where you think you might like to be going?
Well, like any great legend
I'd love to go to Texas State
to play for Coach "Specs" Richardson.
Oh, really?
Well... it just so happens
that Coach Richardson has sent along his best wishes.
Hey, nerd, roll that tape.
What?
Oh, hey, hey. Donnie!
This is Coach Richardson down here in Texas.
Just want to congratulate you on this great honor, boy.
We like players like you
down here at Texas State
and that's why I'm on my way to Sacramento
to talk to you about a full-ride scholarship.
Congratulations, Ronnie.
Huh? Huh? Oh!
Uh, congratulations, there, Donnie.
Wait a minute. Coach Specs Richardson is coming here
to Sacramento to see me?
He'll be pulling up to your house in a couple of hours.
(LAUGHING)
Hey, now we just got to find a place
to hide your brother Louis.
(LAUGHTER)
Uh, seriously, stash him.
Well, it's been a big day for all of us
but I can tell you this: this party is far from being over.
Donnie, take a seat.
I'd like to tell you how I feel about you...
in song.
(FEEDBACK)
It's a little something I've been working on
since you left...
19 long months ago, and it goes like this...
(SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "MY WAY"): To sweat, or not to sweat.
So many games
I won't forget.
Dude, what are we doing here, man?
School's over. Let's go home.
Hold on, my impatient friend. The best is yet to come.
- Ew! (SCREAMS) - (LAUGHING)
- Beans!
I am covered in oatmeal.
I guess I'm busted.
Yeah. You're right, you're busted.
Did you hear
a single thing that I said yesterday?!
I guess I need a review.
Okay, playing mean tricks on people
is going to get you into trouble.
(SPEAKING AT HIGH SPEED)
Now do you know what I'm saying?
I'm sorry, I have a short attention span.
You can start over.
I'll make popcorn.
No... no more popcorn,
no more lectures
because I am covered in oatmeal!
And you, Beans Aranguren, are going home.
Consider yourself kicked out!
COACH TUGNUT: (SINGING) Oh, he can score.
And so much more.
Hats off to Do-o-n-nie! (HITTING HIGH NOTE)
(APPLAUSE)
(CHUCKLING) Thank you, thank you.
Come on, come on. This isn't about me.
Hey, dude, I'm glad we stayed, man.
Tugnut's got a really good set of pipes there.
Just keep watching.
And now the coup de grâce
the capo de tutti-tutti...
Donnie himself...
will demonstrate the routine
that won Lawrence Junior High School
our first gymnastics title.
Let's hear it for Donnie.
(BAND PLAYS UPBEAT THEME)
You didn't tinker with Donnie's big day, did you?
(BEEPING)
LOUIS: Yeah, I stopped by last night
and added a few surprises of my own.
(DRILLING)
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTING) Wh... (BEEPING)
Whoa, whoa...
Hey, uh...
Whoa, whoa... (GRUNTING)
You better slow that thing down, man.
I'm try... I'm trying to... (BEEPING)
Whoa! (THUD)
- (GROANS) - (CROWD GASPING)
COACH: Donnie!
Are you okay?
(WHIMPERING)
What is that doctor doing in there?
I mean, is he okay?
Dude, don't worry. I'm sure Donnie is fine.
(MOANING)
Oh!
Who could have rigged that pommel horse
to throw your brother across the room?
I don't know.
But I assure you that I will not rest
till that person is brought to justice, sir.
Donnie's going to be fine.
(LAUGHING) Oh, thanks, Doc!
(SOBBING)
Uh, no problem.
But, uh, he's got to keep all his weight
off his tailbone for the next 24 hours
so I've taken some precautions.
Wait a minute, precautions...?
What kind of precautions?
(SIGHS)
Hi, guys.
Oh... Wha...? What's this?
Coach Richardson is going to be here in 45 minutes.
If he thinks you broke even a fingernail
we can kiss that scholarship good-bye.
"We"?
Donnie, I've waited my whole career
for a kid like you.
Every time you score a touchdown I score.
Every time you land with a perfect dismount
it's me standing there in that tight-fitting outfit.
Hey, thanks for sticking by me, Coach.
So what are we going to do?
"We"?!
You're damaged goods, kid.
But take care.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Honey, I-I really think your hair is fine.
(SCOFFS)
Really, it looks like you got all the oatmeal out.
Except for this raisin.
You know, I really tried to help that kid.
I did. I thought it might be nice
for him to hang out with me
instead of spending so much time with Louis
which we know can't be too healthy.
(HORN HONKS)
Mom, somebody has to go.
No, he has the right-of-way.
You have the right-of-way, darling. Go.
First I felt sorry for Bernard, you know
but let's face it, the kid is a bad seed.
(HONKING)
Mom, somebody has to go here.
Go. Go!
Ren, nobody is born bad.
No, this kid is, believe me.
I don't even want him near the house.
First, he poisoned me with pickle juice.
Then, he pours oatmeal on my hair!
No, I don't think so.
What more does he want from me?
Maybe he just wants some attention.
(HONKING)
Okay, easy, Louis, easy.
(METAL CREAKING)
Ah! Ah...
LOUIS: All right.
What's up with Donnie's butt?
This is not the time, okay, Beans?
Everyone keeps saying that around here.
Lou, this isn't going to work, man.
No, no, no, no, it will work.
Donnie, you may be good at every sport on the planet
okay, but this is my turf.
Yeah? What turf is that?
Lying, cheating, scheming?
Actually, I prefer to call it "the art of deception."
Look, Lou, listen to me.
For whatever reason I caught a bad break today
the fact is, I'm damaged goods, man.
Donnie, things happen for a reason, okay?
All right?
Trust me. We'll be okay.
Don't move.
Beans, you get out of my house.
Get out, Beans.
(SIGHS)
Do you like asparagus?
Beans, get out of here.
Say that again, and I'm gone!
(YELLING) Get out!
I... If you pull this off, it'll be a miracle.
Yeah, but if I don't
Donnie loses the scholarship
and we're not going to let that happen, okay?
(CHUCKLING)
Here, flex up.
(GRUNTS)
- Six-pack. - (LAUGHS)
DONNIE: Somebody's pulling into the driveway.
And Dr. Herlihy
says stay put, so you will.
And Coach Richardson...
wants to see a happy, healthy Donnie, and he will.
How do I look?
Well...
I'd like a little more neck
but you know what, it's beautiful.
Yeah, it looks good.
Yes. Got the hand gestures.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - (GRUNTS)
Oh, hold on.
"Beans, do this."
"Beans, do that."
My name's not even Beans!
Coach Richardson, it is an honor of the-the highest order
to have you here today, sir.
Good, good, good, good.
But you wouldn't have flown all the way from Texas to see me.
(LAUGHS)
Okay, so this is, uh... this is my brother.
- Coach Richardson, Donnie Stevens. - Oh. Yeah.
Hey! Coach Richardson.
Hey, there, Donnie boy.
I've had my eye on you for a long time, boy.
I've had my eye on you, too, Coach.
(LAUGHS)
And it's great to finally meet you.
(UNDER BREATH) Handshake.
- Uh... -Uh... -Ah! - LOUIS: There you go.
- Yeah, right. - Hey!
Uh, excuse me if I don't get up.
There's a big Davis game Friday
and I want to save all my energy.
(GROWLS)
Look at that! Doesn't want to waste an ounce of energy
for anybody except for the game.
That is dedication!
Sir, why you come and sit here?
It's a lot more comfor... You can talk
- to your star recruit. - Uh, well, isn't this
a little far away?
- Great athlete, bad breath. - Oh.
- LOUIS: Yeah, yeah. - (BLOWING)
Speaking of smells, you know, Donnie
nothing's greater than a crisp November morning
in Texas Stadium.
How'd you like to get a whiff of that someday, boy?
Oh... I sure would.
(LAUGHING)
Well, let's toast to that, huh?
Yeah, yeah, no, no I got it, I got it.
Yeah...
Uh, there's a drink for you, Donnie.
Uh, there you go.
(CHUCKLING)
To Donnie Stevens and Texas State:
the perfect combination.
Yeah!
Are you all right there, boy?
Aah!
Uh, well, like all the greats
off the field, he's a total klutz.
(GLASS CLINKS)
It's my turn.
Uh, there's something odd going on here.
You... you're not flaky, are you?
- No, sir! - No, of course not.
No, no, I can assure you
Donnie has got a good head on his shoulders.
Hey, what... what... what's going on here?
Now... Now start talking.
Oh! Ow!
(YELLING)
TWITTY: Hey, my head's stuck!
- No, sit... - Has Richardson left yet?
LOUIS: No, no...
- Hey, Lou... - Sit down, Donnie's body.
That's it!
I mean, this is a madhouse around here!
I'm out of here.
Okay. Thank you for coming, Coach Richardson.
Just send over the, uh, scholarship papers.
Yeah, we'll have him sign them for you.
(DOOR CLOSES)
That didn't go very well.
No.
Donnie, I'm sorry, man.
I really am.
Hey, Louis, that was above and beyond
the call of duty, bro, and I love you for trying.
Really?
Yeah. Ever since I was a kid
I'd dreamt of playing for Texas State.
Mm-hmm.
But it's like you said.
"Everything happens for a reason," right?
You really believe it?
Absolutely. Hey, maybe losing that scholarship
was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I am so glad you just said that.
I got to tell you something.
I rigged your pommel horse
with the motor from a mechanical bull.
Mechanical bull?
Yeah, a couple of mounting brackets
and a few twists of the magic wrench
and it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to you...
right?
R.. Right?
Wrong!
(SCREAMING)
Hi, Alan.
If you're going to stay for dinner, would you wash up?
Oh, okay, Mrs. Stevens,
but could you cut me out of here?
Oh, sure. I'm not even going to ask.
(SIGHS)
Ah, thank you, Beans.
See, now, this is how good boys
are supposed to behave.
So you're not mad at me anymore?
No, I'm not mad at you.
I actually realize why you were doing
all those mean tricks on me.
Because I'm starved for attention?
Yes.
Exactly.
Can you get me those cookies?
You know, sometimes people don't really
realize the consequences of their action...
You little runt!
Whoa!
(YELLING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Get off!
- Stevens, Stevens! - (GRUNTS, SIGHS)
Oh, I like what I see, boy.
I think I'm going to keep
a place open on the team for you.
- (LAUGHS) - Really?
Ah, you're darn tootin'!
See you in Texas, son.
Adios.
Adios, Coach Richardson!
- Louis, you hear that?! - Yes, I heard it!
You were right.
Everything does happen for a reason.
Dude, you should have listened.
- Thanks. - Yeah, dude, no problem.
Okay, where was I now?
(GRUNTING) Get off!
Beans, get back here!
(CRUNCHING, SMACKING)
Hey, Beans.
Hi, Mr. Stevens.
How was Chicago?
Windy.
Watch the crumbs.
Gotcha.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(THEME MUSIC ENDS)