(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
LOUIS: He goes left, he goes right.
Watch it.
Goal!
Louis Stevens, stinky ball champion of the world.
No way, dude.
That point does not count.
What do you mean, it doesn't count?
Because you shot it right-handed.
- Which means I get a free drop. - What?
We never made up that rule.
Dude, that's like the oldest rule in the book, man.
- Now, come on, it's your blurf. - All right.
Wait.
It's Sunday and you forgot to kick the couch.
So, I get a designated shot blocker.
Tom, helmet up.
Uh... pass.
Last time I played stinky sock ball, I got a concussion.
It's been six months, and I'm still a little woozy.
Hey, Lou!
Guess what just came in the mail after six to eight weeks.
Dad, could it wait? We're in the middle of triple death round.
You tell me.
An Anderson family commemorative leprechaun whittling kit.
- Great. - Uh...
Mr. Stevens, that's just a block of wood.
Oh, sure, now.
But when Lou and I whittle this baby down,
It'll be a showpiece suitable for the home or office.
TOM: Wow.
Fantastic.
I've seen those kits, Mr. Stevens.
Is that McCharmer, the friendly farmer?
No Tom. Actually this is McStinker, the town drinker.
Oh ho... snazzy.
Hey, uh, Dad, why don't you and Tom start whittling...
uh, McStinky bottoms...
whatever his name is and then, uh, we'll catch up with you later,
how's that?
Much later.
Oh. Okay, Lou.
What do you say, Tom?
Let the chips fall where they may.
That's very clever.
- Tom's a clever guy. - Wow.
Hey.
(IMAGINARY BELL DINGS)
LOUIS: Oh, that was cheating! Cheating!
Listen up, troops.
I'm organizing a community safety demonstration
and I need a volunteer from our student leadership council.
Someone who would best represent Lawrence Junior High.
Someone spirited.
Someone who would like an impressive addition
to their school service record.
Someone who doesn't mind giving up a Saturday.
WEXLER: Oh, this is so hard.
You're both very qualified, but I can only pick one of you.
I guess there's only one fair way to choose.
Ren, congratulations.
LARRY: What?
Principal Wexler, that's not fair, okay? That's a scam, man.
Larry, I'll have none of that bop talk in my office. You're dismissed.
(GRUNTS)
REN: Okay... What's the demonstration?
Fire safety? Earthquake safety?
You know I know CPR.
Actually, this demonstration was inspired
after a certain incident we had here last Tuesday.
(SCREAMING)
Bike safety?
That's right. You'd be surprised to know how many maniacs
there are pedaling around out there.
Um, uh, b-b-but, you said this Saturday, right?
Oh, look at that.
I have a thing. I forgot.
Ren, I chose you for this honor,
but if it's an inconvenience for you,
I can always bring in Larry Beale.
Beale?
Oh, no. No, no.
See, uh, the thing on Saturday just moved to Sunday.
Good.
What are you guys doing?
Shh!
We're playing extreme meat hoops.
- Meat hoops? - To the extreme.
You see big glob of meat-like substance down the pipe, come on.
Come on.
Please... Ha, yeah!
And it counts.
TWITTY: All right.
Plus, I get an extra five points because it landed in someone else's cup.
Thanks a lot, Tawny.
Don't you guys ever get tired of making up these stupid games?
Yes, but then we just move on to another one.
TOM: Hey, guys.
My buddy Steve told me the funniest joke. You want to hear it?
Steve is so funny.
Like, he should be on the funny channel.
Who's Steve?
I thought I met all of your imaginary friends.
Har, har.
Steve Stevens is the real deal.
Steve Stevens?
Steve Stevens... isn't that my dad's name?
Affirmative.
Tom, you're hanging out with Louis' dad?
That reminds me, I have to call him.
I promised Steve I'd phone him after that math quiz
- I was so nervous about. - Wait, no, hold on.
So, so you're calling my dad and bugging him at work?
He gave me his direct line.
He has a direct line?
- Mom. - Oh, Ren...
Ren, you've got to help me.
Your father wants me to find a place for his leprechaun.
What do you think?
Woodchipper or fireplace?
Mom, I did something really stupid.
Come on, Ren, I've known you your entire life.
You've never done anything stupid.
I volunteered to ride a bike for a safety demonstration.
Okay, there's a first time for everything.
Yeah. I was too embarrassed to tell Principal Wexler
that I don't know how to ride a bike.
Well, honey, it's not like we didn't try to teach you.
Your father and I tried over and over and over,
year after year.
- We took off a day of work once... - Mom!
Okay, I know.
But this time I'm really motivated.
Okay... Sure.
- We'll give it a try. Okay. - Oh, thank you, Mom.
I think I'm through my klutzy stage, you know.
(GASPING)
- Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh. - No, no, no, no.
Never happened.
2,001.
Come on, bro, come on.
2,002.
2,003!
All right, dude.
Beat my record by 2,000.
Hey.
- Those paddle boats look pretty cool. - LOUIS: Yeah.
You know, my dad used to take me out here when I was little.
- We used to ride those things. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah, it was pretty cool back then.
We used to sing this song.
It was kind of a goofy father-son thing.
- I can almost hear it now. - (DISTANT SINGING)
I can hear it now!
O sole mio Sta 'nfronte a te.
BOTH: Sta 'nfronte a te!
(STEVE LAUGHS)
LOUIS: It's my dad.
I feel like I've lost him.
Feels like...
he likes Tom Gribalski more than he likes me.
(BLOWING LOUDLY)
And I don't know what to do.
You know, doc?
- Louis. - Yeah?
I'm not a psychiatrist.
Yeah, but your dad is. Didn't he teach you anything?
Yeah, he taught me that human relationships are very complex.
Oh, really? Did he teach you that? Wow, wow.
How long did he go to psychologist... ahem...
ical school for that, hmm?
Louis, you're mad at Tom and your dad and you're taking it out on me.
Oh, yeah?
You're, you're right.
See, you're good at this.
Okay, so when did this problem with your dad start?
I don't know. I was... I was, like, five.
STEVE: Sta' nfronte a te O sole...
O sole Mio... Aaah!
It's obvious.
Right.
Don't you see the symbolism?
Yes.
No.
Louis, all these years, you've been pushing your father away.
Hm. So, what your saying is now it's time to, uh, pull him back.
Very good.
So, how do I go about doing that?
Uh, um, take an interest in something he likes to do.
No, no, I can't do that.
My dad likes dorky stuff like... like wooden leprechauns, you know?
You got anything else I could do?
Times up. That'll be five bucks.
(LAUGHS)
I'm serious.
You are one with the bike.
Oh, but I'm going to fall.
Oh, honey, you're not going to fall.
Your feet are on the ground.
Okay, repeat after me.
I am the master of the bike.
(SCOFFS)
EILEEN: Come on.
I am the master of the bike.
- And what are you going to do? - I'm gonna ride the bike.
Ren, say it like you mean it.
- I'm going to ride the bike. - Louder.
- I'm going to ride the bike. - I can't hear you.
I am going to ride the bike!
Not so loud, honey.
You ready to do this?
I'm ready.
Uh... oh.
(SCREAMS)
Hi, honey.
You all right?
Mom, tell me something. Am I ever going to learn how to ride a bike?
(SQUEAKING)
Come on, honey. Let's get you some ice. Come on, sweetheart.
- Ooh, careful. - Yeah, watch the hip.
It's a little bit tender right now.
Lou?
Hey, Dad.
Great day for golfering, huh?
Yeah. I thought you hated golf.
Who me? No, Dad, no, no.
What do I like more than coming out here in the fresh air
and whacking that pesky little ball around?
Everything. But I'm glad you're here.
Yes, me, too.
Would you like to join us?
- Us? - Yeah. Me and Tom.
Greetings.
Say, Mr. Lou, I didn't know you were a duffer.
What's...
Tom, you better watch your mouth, all right?
I am that close to making those full-length pants. Do you get that?
- Lou? - Yeah.
A duffer is just another word for a golfer.
Right. (LAUGHS)
- Would you like to do the honors? - Yes.
That means you go first.
Right, right, yes.
Where'd you get those teeny little clubs?
Oh, from the garage.
Yeah, I got them as a present when I was six.
My dad gave them to me.
Are you sure you want to use them now?
Oh, yeah. I was waiting for the right occasion.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - (NECK CRACKING)
(BONES CRACKING)
Uh, Lou, sun sets in about three hours.
Right.
Stretching my back out.
Hey! Hey, did you guys see where that went?
I didn't, I didn't catch that.
Guess I'm a little, uh, rusty.
Let's keep the play moving.
Nice shot, son! (LAUGHS)
Son?
Hello, Ren.
Larry.
Lawrence.
Lar.
(LAUGHING)
You know, I was thinking.
You really do have excellent leadership qualities, and I think
you're the one who deserves to do this demonstration.
(CHUCKLING) Ren, Rennie.
Rennerino.
You truly are the shining light of leadership in this school,
and today that light will shine.
Really, Larry, you're too kind,
but I know how much this demonstration means to you.
Yes, but as much as I would love this honor,
I would love it even more to see you ride the bike.
Unless you're ashamed or something.
You know what, Larry?
I really don't have anything to be ashamed of.
Uh-huh.
STEVE: Look how relaxed Tom is as he addresses the ball.
Yeah, I'd be relaxed too if I had an extra dad.
Bravo, Tom! Nice putt.
Thanks, Steve.
Oh, you're up, uh... Ahem... Louis.
I know your name. I just have a little tickle in my throat.
To-mas!
BOTH: Aah!
All right, Lou, eye on the ball.
Head still.
STEVE: Bend your knees.
Left arm straight.
You saw how Tom did it. Just relax.
I am relaxed!
Well, you got better distance on that one.
LARRY: Come on. Come on. Thank you. Come on.
Aw, thanks for showing up, guys.
Thank you for the pizza, Larry.
Larry, why did you bribe us to come to this demonstration?
Um, well, I know how much everyone admires Ren Stevens,
so I just wanted you to come see her in her finest hour.
And now, for our bicycle safety demonstration.
Let's put our hands together for student council president,
editor-in-chief of the school newspaper,
anchorwoman at the Wombat Report,
student of the month for 18 straight months...
While we're still young!
Quiet, Twitty.
Principal Wexler's speaking.
Please welcome, Ren Stevens.
(CHEERING)
Ren Stevens.
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)
Training wheels, training wheels!
(LAUGHING)
I don't believe it.
Ren Stevens needs training wheels.
Yes, that's right, Larry. I need training wheels.
The first rule about bike safety
is if you don't know how to ride a bike,
use training wheels.
So, you admit it.
You don't know how to ride a bike.
Well, you are correct.
(LAUGHS) Okay, so you're saying in front of everyone.
Ren Stevens, student of the month for 18 straight months
doesn't know how to ride a bike.
Well, maybe I'll learn, but not today.
Today, I am riding this bike the only way that I know how.
Which is four wheels on the ground and my head held high.
(LAUGHING)
That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.
Stuff it, Larry.
I think Ren's admission was very brave.
I myself have a confession.
I can't swim without my floaties.
I can't snap my fingers.
Uh...
I... I can't sleep without my nightie lightie.
(CLAPPING)
WEXLER: Okay, people, Okay, people. Settle down, settle down.
Ren, once again, thank you for being an inspiration.
(CHEERING)
LARRY: No!
No.
The girl needs training wheels. (LAUGHS)
We know, Larry.
Now you go, girl!
(CHEERING)
CROWD CHEERING: Go, Ren, go! Go, Ren, go!
Hey, Tom... nice shoes.
Yeah!
Dad! Dad!
Shh, son, watch your voice.
Dad, you see that? I... I... I... I hit it in from way over there.
Sorry, son, I missed it.
I'm sure it was beautisimous.
Yeah it was. You know what, Tom?
I give up.
You... You, you win. Here, here, take this.
There's the front door key to my house.
There's the back door.
This right here is the key to Ren's diary. Take that.
Wait, what's going on here?
And you know what? Be gentle with my dad.
He's not a morning person.
And sometimes his jokes get a little stale, but he means well.
Is that what you think this is all about?
That I replaced you with Tom?
Wha... me?
I mean, he does have your direct line, Dad.
Wow, you two should talk.
I know how my mother must feel.
I canceled three games of pinochle with her this week.
If you gents will excuse me,
I've got some fences to mend.
Lou, if you felt that way, why didn't you just say so?
What, that would have worked?
Of course.
Wow, it just seemed so obvious, you know?
So, where do we go from here?
Goal! Yes!
- Nope, doesn't count. - Why not?
Well, because it's Saturday and you didn't have your foot on the couch.
Yeah, but I had fish for lunch.
You're right.
Your blurf, dude.
Oh, you think you're bad, huh?
- Oh, I do. - You think you're bad.
- You're Mr. Bad, huh? - Come at me.
(GRUNTING)
- Here you go, honey. - Thanks.
You know, you and Louis looked like you were having so much fun today.
We opened up to each other and reached a new understanding.
It was really great.
Well, honesty is the key to every good relationship.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.
What's McStinker doing in here?!
Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, I have been looking all over for that.
Let's put him in a place of honor.
Mmm.
Honey, why are you heading towards the fireplace?
No! McStinker!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)