(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
STEVE: Mrs. Stevens, this is your husband.
Why don't you step outside and see what daddy bought.
Please be a convertible.
- That red one with leather seats? - Who cares, as long as it's not a...
mini... Van.
A minivan?
That is so...
- sexy. - (CHUCKLES)
I went for the ultra-luxury package.
Eight cup holders, a built-in litter bag,
and check this out...
a talking compass.
COMPUTER VOICE: Your vehicle is now facing north.
(LAUGHING)
Who wants to go for a ride?
In the daylight, Dad?
Yeah, I mean the... the neighbors, they will get jealous.
Good point.
(LOUD VEHICLE APPROACHING)
Hey, what the...
(ENGINE REVVING)
No... What...
Hey, Stevens.
Uncle Chuck!
Heya, Donnie! How are you, buddy?
Ren, come here, you.
Little Louie, you're not so little anymore.
STEVE: Hey, Chuck.
Heya, big brother.
- Come here, you. - Hey...
- (BONES CRACKING) - Ow!
- Have you been working out? - Yeah. Doing a little power-walking.
Come here, Red. Give us a squeeze.
Chuck... oh, gee, what a surprise.
We haven't seen you for, what, over a year now.
Couldn't help but notice your monster truck.
Oh, killer wheels.
Dad, get off the car.
Don't lean on that nerd mobile. People will think it's ours.
(MUMBLES)
Go ahead, kids, Go on. Check it out.
- Really? - CHUCK: Yeah, go ahead.
Can't take your eyes off it, can you?
EILEEN: Uh-uh.
You want to, -you just can't. - Uh-uh.
I'm going to be selling advertising space on this baby.
Make a fortune.
- How long you in for? - Tomorrow morning.
Big business meeting in LA.
Out of here, crack of dawn.
STEVE: "Crack of dawn"?
Dawn cracked two hours ago.
Honey, maybe his meeting was canceled.
Maybe there never was a meeting.
Does this all the time,
floats into town whenever he feels like it
with some crazy get-rich-quick scheme,
- gets crumbs all over the sofa... - Okay, take it easy.
Give him a break, Steve. He means well.
Hey, Louis loves him.
I'm hoping that's just a phase.
EILEEN: Ren, those waffles look fantastic.
I'm so glad you're taking this cooking class.
Oh, thanks.
In class, with Miss Lynch standing over my shoulder,
they come out like roof shingles.
Don't let her intimidate you, honey.
- You're right. - They're good. They look great.
(SNIFFS)
Waffles?
Aren't you guys going to have any?
Uh, no, actually, we got to get going. Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Mom. - Mm-hmm.
Um... Enjoy your breakfast, Uncle Chuck. Bye, Daddy.
Hey... Uncle Chuck what are you doing here?
What happened to your big business meeting?
You know what? You're right.
Hold on just a second.
(PHONE TONES BEEPING)
Hey, Chuck Stevens here. Listen, I'm canceling that meeting.
Because I'm spending some extra time in Sacramento.
Nothing is more important to me than my family.
Dude...
- Dude... - Du...
Louis, what's that in your knapsack?
Uh... oh, look at the time. I better get back to school
if I want to be eligible for that earliness award.
What is this?
That?
Uh... just your regular, ordinary, everyday.
(CLEARS THROAT) cottage cheese balloon.
EILEEN: And this was going to school with you because...?
'Cause soft cheese helps me concentrate.
Louis... the truth.
All right... it's for Larry Beale.
No, no, you need to listen to what he did, okay?
He gave me a fizzy-face.
(LAUGHING)
You have got to stop this feud with Larry Beale.
Don't let that kid push you around.
Chuck, please.
All right, I'll talk to Larry's dad.
Although the last time I talked to Colonel Beale,
I found him hardheaded and unreasonable.
Stevens, I'm hardheaded and unreasonable!
We are not going to escalate this any further.
Your father is right.
You are going to make peace with Larry Beale.
Yes, yes, it is time. A time has come.
Peace.
Peace out.
Look at Miss Lynch.
I think if she ever cracked a smile her whole face would crumble.
- Who's talking? - (GASPS)
Is there a problem, people?
Um, no, no.
No, there's no eggshells in our batter.
Everyone, gather round.
Hmm, the cap to your canola container.
How did that get in there?
It's work like this that's going to get you
a failing grade for your baking project due tomorrow.
Maybe we can come by later and... and fix it at study hall? Please?
I would highly recommend it.
And then I did like this 360 slam-dunk, right?
And I was, like, "boo-yah" and the crowd went wild.
All the girls were screaming.
(LAUGHING)
Dude, that was one of your better cottage cheese bombs.
Well, thanks to Uncle Chuck who dug it out of the trash for us.
- Uncle Chuck. - Uncle Chuck.
You know, that actually looks right.
Well, it's a lot easier without Miss Lynch breathing down our backs.
Yeah. So, what do we do now?
Um... "Cover the dough,
let it rise, roll your biscuits..."
Get an A. Bam!
Yeah. So, how long do we wait?
I don't know. Until it's done rising?
I think we're going to need a bigger bowl.
(GURGLING)
How much yeast did you put in there?
I just followed the recipe.
It said one pound.
One p... "P" stands for pinch, not pound.
That's it, we failed.
(PANTING)
I think I'm hyperventilating.
Pull yourself together.
I have never failed at anything and I'm not starting here!
Did you get any payback from Larry Beale yet?
What? Are you joking?
The man has clearly met his match.
You can't beat a cottage cheese bomb, all right?
TWITTY: Actually, you can.
Whoa.
Looks like the cheese fairy was generous this year, huh?
Your serve.
For starters, I'm not going to let it affect me.
So, you're just going to pretend like nothing's wrong?
Exactly.
- It's getting bigger. - Oh, man.
All right, just act like nothing's happening, okay?
Nelson, Ren... -Louis. - Louis.
(GURGLING)
- (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) - Uh...
A... All right.
It's Lynch.
Oh, man, let's stash this blob.
- There, there, there, there. - There, there you go.
(NELSON WHISTLES)
Well... I trust that your baking project
will be ready for grading tomorrow.
Oh, you trust right. Oh, yeah.
(SIGHS)
Ren, my stomach is cramping. What are we going to do?
Uh, we're going to get to class but let's keep it in here.
Tomorrow morning, before anyone comes to school,
- we'll deal with it then. - Yeah, right.
All right, soap, rinse and chamois dry.
That minimizes the streaking.
Wait. Why can't I just hose the van down?
Son, any yutz can do that.
A good car wash requires DFC: dedication, focus and commitment.
I got to prepare for court tomorrow.
You do the best you can. Any questions?
Yeah, what's a yutz?
Ask your mother.
Okay, do a good job.
(TRUCK APPROACHING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Hey, Louis!
The old man got you washing the weenie wagon?
You know, this stinks, Uncle Chuck.
You can't relax for a second when my dad's around.
Let's say you shine this gig on,
we'll go cruise the mall.
Groove on some chicks, huh?
What, are you joking?
No, no, the old man finds out, he'll freak out.
If I split now...
Wait. Why are we talking like hippies?
Come on, we'll finish that when we get back. I'll help you.
I don't know.
Hear this?
(REVVING ENGINE)
That's car lingo for "hop in the ride, kid."
Yeah, all right, I'll go. Just got to shut the hose off.
Don't worry, I got it. You just take care of the bucket.
Don't you worry.
Uncle Chuck has got your back.
Thanks, Unc.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Adios, suckers!
Lou, taking a break.
Thought you might want to...
Lou?
Whoa!
Louis!
Now, remember, when your dad asks you.
"Where'd you get that hat?"
- You say... - What hat?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Dude!
(WHIMPERING)
Hey, Dad, what you doing?
I'm blow-drying my sneaker.
Someone left a hose on inside my car!
All right, Steve, lighten up.
"Lighten up"? Why don't you grow up?
What's that supposed to mean?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on.
Dad, Dad, listen, okay, it was probably my fault.
I probably left the hose on when we went to go to the mall.
(MOUTHING)
You didn't tell Chuck you had a job to do?
He didn't ask.
Lou...
Where did you get that stupid hat?!
What hat?
(SNICKERING)
And you're going to stay in your room, in your pajamas,
till I say otherwise.
Hey, guys, I got a great idea.
Instead of Red making us this big dinner,
what do you say we load up my truck with cold cuts,
head towards the mountains?
Chuck, can you leave us alone right now?
I'm trying to teach my son some discipline,
so he won't grow up to be completely irresponsible
and sponge off everyone around him.
(SNIFFING) What's that smell?
Smells like a guy who's so repressed and unable to have fun,
that he's taking it out on everybody else.
Don't you have a fake business meeting somewhere?
You know, I was going to stay until next Friday.
Because you're being such a Mr. Puckerpants,
I think I'm only going to stay until Tuesday.
Keep hope alive, Louis.
See you on the outside, Uncle Chuck.
I don't want you talking to him anymore.
What? No, you can't make a rule like that.
That's my uncle.
Uncle Chuck is not your father, I am.
Too bad.
- What? - Well, uh...
I said, "Foo clad."
- "Foo clad"? - Foo clad.
Aha! Didn't see that one coming did you, B-Ball?
No. All right, your move. Go ahead.
Well, go ahead.
Oh, I see. Y... you're big B-Ball man, huh?
'Cause you won the first two games, you can take your sweet time?
You can't! Okay?!
I really didn't mean to yell.
I'm sorry, B-Ball, I didn't mean to yell.
UNCLE CHUCK: That's okay. Just give us a kiss.
(YELPS)
Uncle, Uncle Chuck! Hi.
I got Twitty waiting down in the car. We need you.
For what?
We got to get even with this Larry guy. Twitty filled me in.
Hey, anybody disses my nephew, they diss me.
I'm your uncle. I got your back.
Now, what do you say
to an old-fashioned TP'ing of this joker's house, huh?
I can't. I can't. My dad said I have to stay here.
- For how long? - Until he says otherwise.
Did he actually say the word "otherwise"?
Yes, he did.
- Then, let's go. - Well, then, all right!
B-Ball, no moves till I get back.
All right.
If anyone comes out, don't panic.
You just rush to the car.
We'll drive to the nearest motel. We'll stay low for a couple of days.
The nearest one is the One-Nighter Hotel,
the discount bargain one. The one that's red.
That's the one we go to if it happens.
All right, sweet.
That's great, that's great. Okay, guys, let 'er rip.
Okay.
First rule of TP'ing.
You peel off the wrapper before you throw the roll.
- Yes. - Okay. Come on.
Let's go.
Dad, I think we're being TP'd.
What?
You get the pepper spray.
I'll call the Pentagon.
LOUIS: Somebody's coming.
What do we do?
Here's what we do. We go back to the truck.
Chuck's probably waiting for us in the truck.
(TRUCK STARTING)
Well, maybe he went to go to the hotel
to make the reservations and stuff, you know. You know what he...
No, he burned us.
- Big time. - Yeah.
Who's out there?!
This is private property!
Daddy, I heard a noise over there.
Run.
Get in the minivan!
Go, go, go, go!
Come on.
Hurry!
LOUIS: Okay, go!
Phew.
Whoo.
Wow. Ha!
Hey, Twitty.
You know, this baby's got, uh, eight cup-holders
and a built-in trash bag?
Oh, sweet.
Yeah, sensible family car, huh, Dad?
Guys, I may have saved you a face-to-face with the Colonel
but you still have me to deal with.
This tart is too tart.
Mm. This cookie...
too many chocolate chips in it.
People, I'm warning you.
I am not in the mood today, okay?
The faculty sauna is closed.
Is there some construction going on here?
That's our final project.
Hmm.
All right, let's see. This is your... biscuit?
This is our biscuit.
Yeah.
We can explain.
Okay, so what happened is we thought "P" meant pound.
So, then it, like, blew up.
-Blew up...- -It totally did, and it's huge.
- And it turned into a giant blob. - Sorry.
(LAUGHING)
This is a big biscuit.
Yeah, it's pretty big.
I mean, this thing is humongous.
It's the biggest biscuit I've ever seen.
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
Miss Lynch, are you okay?
Oh, my... Oh, my God.
- So, do we pass? - Yeah, do we pass?
Yes.
O... okay.
Okay. All right... back to work.
I want you at my dinner parties.
STEVE: You missed a spot.
LOUIS: What? Where?
Right there.
Hey, Steve!
Hey, little man.
What's with the manual labor?
I'm washing the minivan. It's my punishment.
My dad knows what we did last night.
Oh, yeah, I waited for you guys around the corner
and then it got late.
My beeper went off
and I had to go to LA, ASAP.
So, uh...
where's the uh, the monster truck?
Oh.
A misunderstanding at the bank and they took it back
but I got something else in the works.
You always do.
No, no, no, no, this is huge.
This is going to be huge.
What's the one flavor soda nobody's ever made?
I don't know.
Cheese.
You got Swiss, Munster, Camembert, Diet Camembert
and I'm telling you, this is going to be enormous
and when it is, I'm taking you guys to Hawaii on my nickel.
- Great. - All right, listen, I got to go
because, uh, I got this big meeting in LA.
Um... you don't have a couple of bucks for the...
That's great, that's great. Thanks. Louis, listen.
Don't you forget.
Your Uncle Chuck...
I got your back.
Ditto.
I got you, too.
All right, listen. I got to go because, uh...
I'm running, the meter's going.
Kiss the kids for me, will you? Give Red a big squeeze for me.
Okay? I'll talk to you.
(SIGHS)
There's no business meeting in LA, is there?
I'm afraid not.
Too bad, because I could really go for some cheese soda right about now.
(CHUCKLING)
How about a milkshake?
Yeah, I could do that, too.
After we finish.
Yeah. (SIGHS)
I am really glad
that you took the kids back to the Beale's house
to clean up that mess.
Well, they have to learn to take responsibility
for their actions.
It's really a shame that they wasted all that toilet paper.
Eileen,
the Stevens family doesn't waste anything.
Excuse me. Can I have some privacy?
Thank you.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)