(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
(JOYFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
REN: Louis! Come on, it's been over an hour.
I've got to fix my hair!
I've got a date with Bobby.
What are you doing in there?
How dare you?
What if I was doing something stupid, Ren?
Uh, as opposed to this?
I happen to be flossercizing, all right?
You know what? This is really ridiculous, even for you.
For your information
flossercizing contains the benefits of dental hygiene
as well as a full aerobic workout.
And I think people will pay dearly for that, Ren.
Someone is going to pay dearly for that all right, you weirdo.
(SCREAMING)
Donnie, help me!
WOMAN: Le plume de ma tante
est dans le bureau de mon oncle.
The plum in my pants?
That can't be right.
Donnie, help!
(YELLS) Flee! It's the bride of Flossenstein!
You are the most infuriating...
You're influiat... ering.
Hey, hey, hey. Look, I have one day to learn French.
That's realistic.
Don't worry. Ren won't disturb you anymore.
Just make sure Miss Prissy-Pants respects my floss time.
Well, when I get my hands on you you will not have teeth left to floss!
Oh, is that, is that a threat?!
It's a promise!
Guys, hold it!
You guys need to see this.
What, you lifting weights in your bathing suit?
- We already saw that. - (BEEPING)
I meant this.
(GRUNTING)
It's my chair!
Always, always with the chair!
Will you guys cut it out?
Look, I was trying to tape the football game last week
but I got this instead.
(SOFT MUSIC COMING FROM VIDEO)
Welcome back to Sibling Sessions.
Now, Kevin, I want you to turn to your sister, Wendy.
I want you to tell her...
from your heart, okay...
the real reason why you treat her the way you do.
Kevin, you're in way over your head, man. Get out.
Shh, I want to hear this.
It's nothing against you, Wendy.
You're the best.
I guess the reason I act the way I do
is because of my own insecurities.
Deep down, I'm just a loser.
That Kevin guy is a disgrace to brothers everywhere.
You know, they film right here in Sacramento?
You guys should go in for an audition.
I'm in for that.
I mean, that host seems really insightful.
There is nothing in the world that would make me go on that show.
And for appearing on our show today, Kevin and Wendy will receive two tickets
to Happy Mountain Amusement Park.
That's Happy Mountain!
A whole big heap of fun, or your money back.
Happy Mountain, Daddy likey.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- That's Bobby. - Uhum.
My chair.
You see?
I fit in it like a new car.
Try to keep your disappointment in check, Ren.
It's only your oldest and dearest friend, Nelson.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just expecting Bobby.
I know, that's why I'm here.
He called me and asked me to tell you that he had to cancel.
He had some work to finish up with his lab partner or something.
Oh, I wonder why he didn't just call.
He tried. I tried.
Your phone's out of order.
Really? Out of order?
(SINGING) Happy Mountain, The big old rock of fun!
Louis, what did you do to my phone?
Uh, uh, your phone.
About that, um...
Yeah, no, no, don't worry. Ren's phone is totally waterproof.
Hello? Hello?
The shower?
Uh... (SCREAMING)
Hey, save it for the show!
Excuse me, Nelson.
I got to get back to work.
WOMAN: Bonjour, comment allez-vous?
Bone-jour, come and tally food.
- What are you trying to do? - I'm studying French.
I've got this date tomorrow
with this beautiful foreign exchange student.
Hmm, bonne chance, mon ami.
Hey, do you know you speak French?
Yeah, I spent two summers at French camp.
I thought it was going to be something else but it turned out to be okay.
Hey, you want to come on my date with me to translate?
You want me to go on the date with you?
But what if she says something, you know, personal?
Uh, well, you can still translate. Just plug your ears.
Right.
NELSON: Thanks for taking me to Nurse Phil.
Sure. How'd you do that?
Well, I was just trying to see if it was, uh...
possible to give myself a wedgie.
(GIGGLES) Turns out I can.
Oh!
I feel so much better.
That's really weird.
So, how do you get your arm to bend like that?
I have a flexated skeletal structure.
In layman's terms, I'm double-jointed. I hope it comes in handy later in life.
Nelson!
Thanks, Ren. I guess I won't be needing Nurse Phil.
In the science lab.
It's Bobby.
And Mandy "Always-Gets-Her-Man" Sanchez.
You did not tell me that he was her lab partner.
He failed to mention that part on the phone.
(BELL RINGS)
Hi, Bobby.
Hey, Ren.
Mandy.
Ren. Love the lipstick.
That color works so well on your thin lips.
You know, I really wonder what it would look like on a fat lip.
(LAUGHTER)
NELSON: Okay, Ren.
Don't you need to talk to Bobby about that thing?
Oh, the-the thing.
The thing. The thing, yeah.
Excuse me just a second. I need to talk to my boyfriend.
Okay, why didn't you tell me that Mandy was your lab partner?
I don't know. I didn't think it'd matter.
Does it matter?
Yeah, she's totally flirting with you.
Hey, come on. It's just Mandy. I mean, she does it with everyone.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I guess I'm just overreacting.
So, I'll see you later.
Of course.
BLACKBURN: Don't worry about it?
Don't worry about it?
They just can't cancel!
Where am I supposed to find two bickering siblings
at a moment's notice?
(CRASHING)
You tripped me.
Now, why would I do that?
It's not like you got goopy ice cream in my hair.
Did it ever occur to you that your hair got in my ice cream?
Did that enter your skull?
Hello, I'm David Blackburn.
Sir, yeah, I'm Louis Stevens. This is Cruella.
Great, great, great!
Look, you're on in five minutes, okay?
And save the delightful squabbling for the cameras, huh?
Wait, Mr. Blackburn.
We just came in here for an interview and you want us on the show right now?
Sir, uh, excuse me when I win the tickets for Happy Mountain
do I get some kind of VIP pass or something?
Like, can I cut all the lines or do I got to wait for the slobs?
What's the deal, huh?
Whoa, Whoa... Wait a second... this is Sibling Sessions, right?
What happened to the dignified set?
It's trashed. Sibling Sessions is now Sib Wars.
We kind of stunk in the ratings so we had to jazz up the format.
Happens to everyone.
Hear the 6:00 news is getting jousting sticks.
Hair, baby, hair!
- That's yours. - Thank you. All right.
Is my hair on straight?
- Looks good. - Garin!
Uh...
- So, Ren, may the best man win. - No, forget this, okay?
Sibling Sessions was a forum for intelligent discussion.
Sib Wars... come on. It's a cheesy game show.
And you're afraid of losing to me in front of everyone.
I'm-I'm sorry, what did you...
You're afraid of losing to me in front of...
Okay, there is nothing in the world that you could possibly beat me at.
I could even grow a mustache before you.
You could... in fact, it's coming in quite nicely.
Okay, you want to throw down with your big sis?
You're invading my space right now.
Do you? Do you? You want a piece of me?
- You want a piece of me? - I want to throw down like this.
- You do? You do? - I want a chunk of you, not a piece.
- I want the whole thing. - I'm coming at you.
(SHOUTING)
BOTH: Oh, yeah, fine!
(GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYING)
MAN: Welcome to the new and improved Sib Wars!
With your host, the handsome, the talented...
David Blackburn!
That's me!
(APPLAUDING ALONE)
Let's meet our battling sibs.
Louis and Ren Stevens!
All right, Ren, why don't you tell me a little something about your brother?
Oh, well,
he's in, uh, seventh grade, he eats cereal through his nose
and he wears my mother's slippers.
Wait, wait, let me-let me... let me make that clear.
Um, I only wear them 'cause they're cozy.
DAVID: We're not here to judge, okay?
- LOUIS: Right. - (CHORTLING)
Mama's slippers.
Louis, tell me a little something about Ren here.
Ren's in the eighth grade.
She alphabetizes her underwear, and she has webbed feet.
I do not have webbed feet.
Really? Ren, then explain to me
- the skin between the toes. - REN: You know what? You should...
Why don't you explain to me what that is there.
(LOUIS AND REN ARGUING)
Wow! Okay! That's good stuff.
Let's get started.
- Round One! Brainbusters! - (BELL DINGS)
Where we're going to test your knowledge
on a variety of subjects.
- See ya. - BLACKBURN: Ow!
Our categories are...
"Funny Fat Guys."
"Things That Smell Like Other Things."
"Pranks on Grandma..."
Excuse me, what is this? This is stupid.
And our last category... "This is Stupid."
Now, this involves things
that are really, really stupid, all right? Louis!
You're the youngest. Choose first.
I'll take "Funny Fat Guys," Dave-a-loosh.
- This coming... - Chris Farley.
That is correct. Next category.
Well, Dave-a-rooni, I'll take uh, "Pranks on Grandma."
- "You're at Thanksgiving dinner..." - (BELL DINGS)
Hiding her dentures inside the turkey!
Amazing! That is correct!
- (CHEERING) - (HAPPY MUSIC PLAYING)
(BELL DINGS)
Itching powder in her orthopedic shoes.
- (BELL DINGS) - Animals dressed as humans.
- (BELL DINGS) - That's my favorite one.
(BELL DINGS)
(BELL DINGING)
Okay, welcome back.
The score for the end of Round One is
Louis Stevens, 500... (CHEERING)
Ren Stevens, zero.
(BUZZER)
It's time for Round Two.
The Pudding Pit of Doom!
(LAUGHS) Ren Stevens, this is your chance to catch up.
They will both walk out onto the plank.
The objective to this game
is to force your opponent into the tub of generic pudding-like substance.
You have to use trickery,
evil facial expressions or a combination of the two.
Oh, and, uh, watch for hidden surprises. (LAUGHS)
The last one standing wins 500 points.
Prepare to plunge, pudding boy.
BLACKBURN: That's the spirit. Ready, and... Go!
Hey, Ren, if you fall in the pudding
your webbed feet are going to come in handy.
- Oh, really? Really? Really? - Yeah. Yeah.
You know, Louis, this is really ridiculous.
You win. I'm out of here.
What are you talking about? Are you leaving?
- No! - Aah! Aah!
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) You can't beat me! I'm the prince of the plank, Ren!
- Can't beat me! No! - (IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm the prince of the plank!
Whoa...
Unfortunately...
that's not the best tasting pudding. (GIGGLES)
The score is now tied but we're out of time.
Louis and Ren will be back tomorrow
for the final round, where they'll have 60 seconds
to humiliate each other
and I encourage you both to get nasty.
(FRENCH MUSIC PLAYING)
Sandrine, you are very pretty.
Sandrine, tu es très jolie.
Merci.
Thank you.
Le poulet est très magnifique.
Et les pommes de terre.
Dude, she's blowing kisses at me.
- What'd she say? - She really likes the food.
Oh.
And that she's never seen an American man
with such handsome features.
For real?
No.
Qu'est-ce qu'il a dit?
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(LAUGHING)
Hey, Nelson, why don't you run along.
I can take it from here.
- Oh, no. - What? Are you okay?
You pesky little pepper.
- Are you okay? - No. I'm allergic to peppers.
I get severe hot face!
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Dude, check this out, check this out.
I got Ren in the ultimate humiliation. I'm serious. Just look.
Look at her go. There it is. There.
Look at that.
Uh, all she's doing is brushing her teeth.
No. No. Look at the technique. You see that?
She's doing that upward thing. You're not supposed to be doing that.
You're supposed to be doing little circles.
- Oh-ho... - You see? I got her. I got her.
You got nothing.
You're right. I got nothing.
She's as clean as a Dutch whistle.
I'm toast.
Do you see what I see, man?
What?
Do you see that?
Dude, you don't have a chance with her.
No, no, no.
Dude.
Hey, isn't that Ren's boyfriend?
Yeah, but that's not Ren.
Oh, wow.
We got to film this.
Here we go.
You're getting that, right?
Jackpot.
(BEEPING)
This is so good, it's scary.
Ooh, la, la.
Donnie... (SPEAKING FRENCH)
She said, "Bring me a cool washcloth"
"and some milk and cookies," and step on it.
You know, Nelson, you're looking much better right now.
Allez! Allez!
Sandrine...
Uh, what should I do with the milk and cookies?
Oh, those are for you.
You can take them outside to the yard.
Sandrine...
(LAUGHING AND SPEAKING FRENCH)
(BELL DINGING)
REN: I'm going to humiliate Louis by showing his actual bed sheet.
This stain right here
is a mixture of pasta, pork gravy and cat hair
and we don't have a cat, so you guys just do the math.
Now, this mystery stain over here
has actually started to grow spores.
Yes, tiny fungus.
We're waiting for the lab results.
- (BELL DINGS) - Oh, well, you're out of time.
- Ren, nice work. - Thank you.
You cut him to shreds, and then you stomped on him.
- All right! - Whoo!
Lou... Lou-insky... (GIGGLES)
You must be totally humiliated.
Well, no, I'm okay. I'm okay.
Well, you're going to have your opportunity
to put your sister, Ren Stevens, on the Throne of Shame
when we return after these low-budget local messages.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
- (MUSIC STOPS) - All right, kids, take a break.
Dude, you're looking a little wobbly there.
Yeah, well, at least I'm still standing.
Can't wait till I get her on the throne. Give me the tape.
Yeah, dude, after you show that tape of Bobby and Mandy
your skanky sheet is going to be smelling like a rose
and she'll be crying like a baby, bro.
- All right, bro. - Yeah!
Go get 'em, man. Go get 'em.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
And we are back. This time Ren Stevens
is on the Throne of Shame.
So, Ren, I'm guessing if you win here today
you're not going to be taking your brother
to Happy Mountain with you.
No. No, no, no. I'm not.
I'm actually taking someone really special.
Oh. Now, who would this special someone be?
Well, my boyfriend, Bobby.
- BLACKBURN: Boyfriend. Okay. - Uh-huh.
- Can I say hi? - Give a shout out.
Hi, Bobby.
I just wanted to say... hi
and I'm really happy we're together
and I just hope we can stay together for a really long time.
Okay. That was so precious.
Louis!
You're up.
This is your opportunity to humiliate your sister.
Yeah.
Well?
Well, uh, Ren is...
Ren, uh...
Well, the truth is, uh, sir...
I didn't come prepared.
That... that is so typical.
Well, I mean, I did catch her brushing her teeth inefficiently
but I taped over that.
Well, uh, my little friend, I'm sorry, but, uh...
that does nothing to help your case.
Or our ratings, for that presentation.
So I am forced to declare... Ren Stevens
the winner!
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Hey, whatcha doing?
Oh, hi, Ren. I'm just thinking.
Finger cheese?
- No, thanks. - No?
So, how does it feel to be a big winner?
All right, I guess.
What's the deal with the show?
It was like you didn't even try to humiliate me.
Not that you even could, but...
Ren... here.
(SQUEAKS)
Where is it? Here.
I think there's something you should see.
What's this?
Hi, Ren. How'd it go?
Not so good. It's, uh, over.
- No. - Yeah.
No. Ren, I'm sorry. Are you okay?
Yeah, I'll... I'll be fine.
All right.
Look, I want to thank you for not showing the tape on TV.
Oh, no, Ren, you're my sister. I wouldn't do you like that.
- I know, but still. - Yeah.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
So, Ren, would this be a bad time
to ask you about taking me to Happy Mountain?
Yeah, this would be a bad time.
It would? What was I thinking?
Um... sorry.
Ren, when do you think you'll know?
I-I don't know.
You don't? Not even a guess?
- No. - No. Hm.
Right. Right, of course.
Ren, listen, I'm trying to be sensitive, okay?
But how long will whatever you're going through
take to end, Ren?
I don't know, Louis.
Try when I'm feeling a little better.
I didn't mean it like that.
I don't want you to be mad at me, or anything.
I'm practicing standing sit-ups, is what I'm doing.
Ren, listen...
(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
Cool.
I still got it.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)