(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(GHOULS GROANING)
What?
Honey, you're getting chased by six mutants
and you're just deciding to take a shower? Ugh!
(MUTANTS GROANING)
(SCREAMING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(GASPS, SIGHS)
- Hello? - MAN: Hello, Ren.
You may think you're alone, but you're not.
What? Who is this?
Do you like penguins, Ren?
(LAUGHING)
Penguins?
Yes... they're short little birds in tuxedos, Ren.
(LAUGHING)
What? Okay, who is this?
You have such lovely curlers, Ren
and that robe is so stylish.
(DIAL TONE BUZZING)
That's all right.
I have Caller Return, buddy.
(PHONE BEEPING)
(PHONE RINGING)
(SCREAMING)
(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
(SCREAMS)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Ren, why are you so jumpy?
I just wanted to show you
my penguin jockey costume for Halloween. That's all, Ren.
Check it out. It's good, right.
They look real.
- This is why I hate this holiday. - LOUIS: Okay.
Because it gives jerks like you an excuse to be jerks like you.
Yes, it does. Yes, Ren.
Oh, by the way, is that your costume for school tomorrow?
Because it's terrifying.
Ha, ha, ha...
No, I'm not wearing a costume, now or tomorrow.
And when you're playing your little childish dress-up games
well, I will be coordinating an important
school health program.
Yeah.
(SNIFFS) It figures.
You know, Ren
you're like the enemy of fun.
It's called responsibility, Louis. You should try it sometime.
Oh, and your little penguin getup
it's not going to scare anybody.
Oh, really?
(SCREAMS)
Ah, penguin!
Figures.
Free eye exams!
Come on, guys.
You should get...
Hey, I want to see you guys get eye exams, all right?
- Yeah, sure thing. - Free eye exams.
You should get your eyes tested every year...
Or eye, I guess.
Hey... hey, Tom, get an eye exam.
Ay, ay, Captain.
Hey, Tom, get over here.
Okay... after I talk to Louis.
(SLURPING)
I need to get my eyes examined.
Your eyes examined? Tom, how many fingers am I holding up?
- Two. - Exactly. Your eyes are fine.
Now listen up.
All right, if we can pull this off this will go down in history
as the greatest school prank ever.
Dude, all I really want to know is do you got the stuff?
Oh, yeah, I got the stuff.
I got the stuff. Check this out.
I had these babies overnighted from Chico,
fake eyeball capital of America.
Very sweet, my friend.
When people see those things staring back at them from their turkey gravy,
they're never going to want to eat in that cafeteria again. Sweet!
Sweet.
Wait, I never wanted to eat there in the first place.
All right, guys, here's the plan...
Oh, here you go, Leftkowitz.
Enjoy your free carton of milk.
(SLURPING)
- Oh. Free milk! Cool. - I don't think so, Tom.
Not until after your eye exam.
Next.
Thomas Gribalski reporting for eye examination!
Hey, great costume, Mr. Wexler.
This is no costume, sailor.
I happen to be a certified mail-order optometrist.
Congratulations.
Next victim... I mean, um... student.
Hey, I get it.
You're Igor, the evil assistant.
No. Threw my back out pumping sewage out of my trailer.
Why are you talking like that?
Root canal.
Just got back from the dentist.
What about your arm?
- I just like swinging it. - You know, we really do have
a lot of eyes to exam today.
Mm... Right this way.
(SINISTER LAUGHTER)
(MANIACAL LAUGHING)
(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)
This Halloween is going to be sweet!
- LOUIS: Yes, sir, dude. - Yeah!
Dude, where's Tom and Tawny?
We told them to be here at 12:15.
I got 11:55.
Whatever. They were supposed to be here at lunchtime, and they're not.
Greetings, fellas.
What's the word?
The word is "tardy," Tom.
(SLURPING) (LOUD GULPING)
Thirsty there, Tom?
You know, I suddenly got quite a hankering for the moo juice.
It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.
Tom... I think you've had enough.
(CHOKING)
Yeah, it is time to have some eyeball fun, Tommy!
Yeah!
I'm sorry, gentlemen.
I will not be able to participate in your hijinks.
Why not?!
It's against school rules.
Uh, that's kind of the point, Tom.
If something like this were to go on our permanent records
it would follow us for the rest of our lives.
You know what, Tom? You're dismissed.
Go hang out on the poop deck.
Yeah, if Tawny ever gets here
we can finally get this thing going.
I'm afraid you'll be disappointed.
She's getting her eye test as we speak.
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
Um, is this going to take long?
'Cause I've got this thing I have to get to in the cafeteria.
Silence!
Sorry. Whatever.
Now, don't be scared. This will just take a second.
Who said I was scared?
Now... just look into the light.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
(SCREAMS)
- Tawny. - (SLURPING)
Tawny, where were you?
We had the gravy, the eyeballs...
Does any of that ring a bell?
Louis, you got to get your eyes checked.
It's really important.
(SLURPING)
Oh, I need more milk.
Wait, are you listening to me?
We just missed an opportunity to gross out the entire school
and all you're worried about is your stupid milk.
Milk is not stupid, okay? It's an excellent source of calcium
for overall skeletal health.
Where have I heard that before?
You know what, it doesn't matter.
Let's just go do it right now. We could do the late lunch period.
Louis, just forget the prank, okay?
I mean, do you realize that if something like that
went down on our permanent record
it would follow us for the rest of our lives?
Now I know where I've heard that before.
You know what? You're starting to sound like Tom.
You need to get your eyes checked.
No, I'm not getting my eyes checked.
What is with everyone?!
(ALL SLURPING NOISILY)
She's right, Louis.
You really should get your eyes checked.
Can you stop drinking your milk?
Can you tell me what's going on here?
Huh?
Milk is an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health, Louis.
If you guys start talking about my record, I'm out of here.
Well, it does follow you for the rest of your life.
What is wrong with you?!
Did that eye test mess with your brains?
(BOTH SLURPING)
Wait a minute.
What happened to you guys in there?
BOTH: Nothing. We're perfectly fine.
Okay, you guys are really creeping me out.
And take off the stupid glasses.
(SCREAMING)
It's time for your eye exam, Louis.
It's for your own good.
Oh, no!
No one's taking my peepers!
(YELLING)
Locked! This can't be a good sign.
(SLURPING)
Hey, Melissa.
Principal Wexler will see you.
Oh... I guess we're out of milk.
Hm...
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
Now Melissa, there's nothing to be afraid of.
(LAUGHING)
Just look into this harmless machine.
(HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLING)
Oh... oh.
Don't worry.
You won't feel a thing.
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
You are the perfect student.
You obey each and every school rule.
If you break a rule, it will go on your permanent record
which will follow you the rest of your life.
The milk! The milk!
I'm getting to it!
You have an uncontrollable urge to drink milk.
I don't know why.
It's a weird side effect.
But don't worry. Milk is an excellent source of calcium
for overall skeletal health.
Plus, I ordered too much this week. We got to get rid of the stuff.
WEXLER: Ah!
Wear these for now.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
And rest.
Your eyes may be a little... sensitive.
What eyes?
Silence!
Has every student been through Phase One of the transformation?
(STAMMERING)
What? What?
What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
I can't understand you.
Louis... Stevens.
Louis Stevens... the worst of them all.
(LOUD GULP)
Did you just gulp?
(CLEAR VOICE) I might have.
(GRAVELLY VOICE) I know Louis Stevens is around here somewhere.
Come on. Let's find him.
(SNIFFING)
Do you smell... penguin?
(GROWLS)
(SNIFFING)
(COUGHING)
Mom, Dad, Donnie... (CLEARS THROAT)
When you get this message, come to school.
You know, uh, not to panic you or anything
but Mom, help me, please!
Come and get me!
I'm so scared!
(GROWLS)
I do smell penguin.
That's Stevens, you fool! Get him!
Mom, got to scoot. Hope your day's going well.
(YELLING)
Penguin run!
Let's get him!
(GRUNTING)
(SLURPING)
I got to go.
Oh...
(CREAKING)
Move out of my way!
Get out of the way!
(DEEP MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
Whoa!
- (SCREAMS) - (YELPS)
Guys, good thing you're here.
We got to get out of here now.
No talking. Let's go!
Whoa, settle down, Lou.
What'd you do, lay an egg
- in the heating vent? - Lay...? No, no.
Lay an egg in Mr. Wexler's briefcase?
No.
Were eggs involved at all, Lou?
No, there was no eggs!
Now, guys, listen to me, we got to get out of here
because they'll start zapping our eyes
and then they'll fall out, and then we have to drink milk.
It's a big story. We got to go.
Louis, honey, I think maybe your goggles
are a little too tight.
They're blocking the blood from your brain.
No! Mom, you guys got to believe me.
Lou, it's okay. Go get your books.
We'll take you home.
Oh, good.
Thank you.
Well, if it isn't the Stevens clan.
EILEEN: Oh, Mr. Wexler, hi.
Uh, you know
is something going on here besides this, it's a little strange today?
As a matter of fact there is.
Uh, the Regional Eye Network is sponsoring free eye exams.
Oh, you know what?
I think something's wrong with my eyes
'cause whenever I look into the sun.
I-I got to squint.
WEXLER: Oh.
Oh, then why don't you all come in?
Oh, you know, we're really in a hurry.
Louis is very upset about something.
- They'll just take a second. - But... but I...
Mom, Dad, no, no, no!
Oh, well, free milk.
- Hey, Coach. - (GROWLS)
Right this way.
(SCREAMS)
Oh... Ren, hi.
Louis, are you okay?
Good, you got your eyes. Good. Duck down.
- What? - Duck down.
Well, of course I have my eyes. They're a set.
They came with my nose and ears.
Ren, do you know what's going on?
Everyone you signed up for that eye test
is getting their eyes sucked out of their face
and now Donnie and Dad and Mom are all in there.
Louis, is this some sort of joke?
No, Ren, I'm totally serious! They are in there right now!
Really? You're serious?
Not a joke?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh-uh, right, those are...
fake eyeballs, uh... That's right, Louis.
I really wish that I could believe you.
Well, Ren, have ten years of me horsing around
ruined my credibility?
WEXLER (OVER LOUDSPEAKER): Attention, everyone.
One naughty student has yet to take his eye exam.
I command you all to find Louis Stevens
and bring him to my office now.
(ALL SLURPING)
Whoa, whoa, let's get out of here.
Run, Ren! Run, Ren!
(REN YELLING)
Run, Ren!
Let's go through that door!
Hurry up!
They're gaining on us.
(STAMMERING) Principal Wexler's birthday, so he's 56, 57...?
We got to get out of here!
REN: It's... it's... 57.57!
(BEEPS)
- (REN SCREAMS) - LOUIS: Back up!
I know the art of footbowl. Footbowl!
Get in here!
(SQUEAKS)
Now what?
All right, we should be safe here.
Safe? Safe?!
For how long, Ren?
How long before those eyeless, sunglass-wearing
milk-slurping zombies get in here and all...?!
Louis, Louis!
Breathe!
- Okay? - Yeah.
If we're going to survive, we need to stay calm.
Yes, stay calm. Stay calm.
No, I got you. You're right.
Oh... -Ren? - Yes?
You know, I probably don't say this enough
but it's cool having a big sister who's got your back, you know.
- That's sweet. - Yeah.
Now stay here.
Stay here?
You mean alone, like-like by myself
like-like, uh, solo?
Yeah, I'm going to see if the coast is clear, okay?
Hold it, hold it.
I got it, no, I got it.
All right, Ren.
I'll be right here, waiting for you, Ren.
Okay. You'll be all right.
Just whatever you do, don't start talking to yourself.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hello, Louis.
- You've been a very bad boy. - No, I haven't!
- Bad, bad, very bad! - Shut up, Tugnut.
Yes, master.
Let go of me!
Run, penguin!
Go, see if you can find help!
Find help!
(LAUGHING)
Run!
LOUIS: Stop! Let go of me!
(SINISTER LAUGHING)
When did the school get a dungeon?
Actually, it's an evil lair.
(LAUGHS)
Welcome, Louis.
Hey, what's different about you?
I mean, did you change your hair?
Now, mistress?
Now, it is time.
Yes, mistress.
Mistress?
Wait, so Tugnut and Wexler work for you?
You catch on quick, fun-boy.
This is a joke, right? Just like a gag?
Oh, you mean like the one you were going to pull
- with the fake eyeballs? - Exactly, like that.
Oh, which reminds me, um
I think that these... belong to you.
(LAUGHING)
Oh.
Hey, my fake... (SQUISHING)
Eyeballs!
(SCREAMING)
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Summon them.
Attention all students.
Please report to the basement for ultimate transformation.
No running.
Have a nice day.
Ultimate transformation?
Yes, Louis. Don't you think
that our school and our town and our whole world would be a better place
if people just followed the rules
and they concentrated on their future
and they were concerned with their permanent records?!
Not really.
Don't worry. You will.
(SHRIEKING LAUGHTER)
Wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on!
Tugnut, turn on the juice.
Ah... soon I will have a perfect world...
of Ren-plicates.
Ren-plicates?
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
"R-E-N."
That's got to stand for something.
Begin the transformation!
(LOUD EXPLOSION)
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
No!
(LAUGHING)
Stop!
No!
Twitty! Stop!
Sorry we were late.
It's kind of hard to see when you don't have any eyeballs.
Into the Ren-plicator.
Sorry, guys.
Ah, don't worry about it, honey.
Hey, what do you suppose one of these costs?
(SCREAMING): No!
REN: Faster!
More Rens! More Rens!
(REN LAUGHING)
Now... my loyal slaves it's your turn.
Yes, Mistress Ren.
Must obey Ren!
No, what are you doing?! No! Stop it!
No!
- After you. - Oh, no, after you.
No, I insist. After you!
Just get in there!
Oh, all right.
What?
Come on, let me go!
Little brother.
Let's discuss this first.
Let's just talk about this, all right?
No! Stop!
Hm. I guess the machine couldn't quite handle a job this tough.
(WHIMPERING)
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
BEANS: Wait, wait, stop!
I can't take it!
I-I'm just a little kid!
Beans, you wanted to know what happened last Halloween so I told you, okay?
Holy jack-o-lanterns!
That's a scary story!
Wait, no, beans, it's not a story, dude.
It's absolutely true.
Get out of town.
And now, Beans, as always
I'm going to have to throw you out.
(THUNDER CLAPPING)
Hey, guys.
(YELLING)
What? I just thought I'd bring you guys
some milk and cookies.
Oh, no, you don't!
No one's sucking out my eyeballs!
What is wrong with him?
Couldn't imagine.
(SLURPING)
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - BEANS: Trick or treat.
Argh!
(GROWLS)
That's cute, kid. Here you go.
(DOORBELL RINGS CONTINUOUSLY)
Haven't I seen you here before already?
If this some cheap trick not to give me candy
I'm going to call my lawyer!
Sorry.
- (DEEP LAUGHTER) - (CRUNCH)