(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
REN: Hey, what did you get for six?
BOBBY: I got B, the spotted owl.
STEVE: Right... fourth period?
Third period, yeah, sure, whatever.
Okay, I'll kiss you... I'll see you tomorrow.
Bye.
Hi, Dad. We were just, uh, doing some homework.
- Uh-huh. - We both got B. Right?
Yeah, B. The spotted owl. (CHUCKLES)
Yeah.
By the way, that was your teacher, Linda Lovelson on the phone.
Just thought you should know.
She wants me to come in and guest lecture your Life Science class tomorrow.
Oh. (CHUCKLES) Cool.
Uh, my dad and Miss Lovelson are in the same bird-watching group.
Well, we can talk about that tomorrow, huh, Dad?
Yeah.
I love nature.
I was a Boy Scout until I was 17.
Great activity for a young man.
In fact, I was 19 before I started thinking about girls.
You like nature, Bobby?
Me? Uh, yeah.
Do you?
We got to get back to work now.
- Okay. - Okay.
I'll be, uh... I'll be right out here.
- In the kitchen. - Mm-hmm.
Right on the other side of this door.
- Parents... - You kids want a snack?
Tom, old buddy, old pal I have to hand it to you.
Your very own pizza oven. Stroke of genius.
Yeah, it was Doris' idea.
Doris?
Oh, Mother.
She's worried I don't socialize enough with kids my own age.
- Which is nonsense. - (COMPUTER BEEPS)
Aha!
Trying to take my bishop.
I know you too well, Mr. Smarty Trousers.
Hey, Tom, what's up with this thing, man?
It's not hot anymore.
The heating coil must have burnt out.
Don't fear.
Mother will pick us one up at the hardware store tomorrow.
But, uh, for now, how about I show you two heathens
the finer points of chess?
You know, I'm a master.
Uh, Tom, you know, I probably have a...
a lot of homework I should try.
Right.
We probably have a book report or two,
'cause there's him and me.
- Uh, you call him. - Yeah.
TOM: Yeah, well, see you.
- TWITTY: All right, see you, Tom. - I had a blast today.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - (SIGHS)
This isn't just any old plate of nachos.
I call these "shirt wreckers,"
'cause you can't eat them without getting them on your shirt.
(LAUGHING)
Daddy, I thought we said we weren't hungry.
Thanks, Mr. Stevens. Um...
I make these for my little brother all the time.
Only they're... not this huge.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
A little brother, huh?
- Any other siblings? - Dad...
I'm just trying to get to know Bobby.
STEVE: Any other brothers or sisters?
For the last time, Deaver, give me the information!
Don't tell him anything, Bobby.
He's just a nosy grownup.
- (SLAMS FIST) - Don't make me go bad cop on you, dirtbag!
All right.
I have a sister.
I got a sister, too.
Ren's Aunt Louise.
Went to Stanford Law.
Very strong program there.
Ever get up too quickly, get light-headed?
That happened to me today.
(SIGHS)
All right, so the farmer's like,
"You can sleep in my barn, but whatever you..."
Hey, pals, Dr. Gribalski here with news from the front.
Tom, Louis is telling a joke.
Oh, scusi.
Please finish with your funny comedy gag.
Anyway, so the farmer's like,
"If you hear anything in the middle of the night..."
(TOM LAUGHING)
I love this one. I love it. I...
Sorry.
Sorry. Please continue.
All right, so the alien's sleeping in the barn
and he hears this blood-curdling scream,
- and he... - Like this:
(SCREAMING LOUDLY)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Oh, I hate to say it, Mr. Lou, but...
I don't think you told it right.
What are you doing?
Uh, I was...
Dude, you can't just walk up and start flapping your lips like that.
What's the big deal? What's so important?
It better be good news about the pizza oven, Tom.
'Cause right now I'm in no mood.
(STUTTERS) Yeah, it's about the pizza oven.
That's right.
Yeah, well, the heating coil is gonna take a little while.
I thought you said Doris could just pick one up.
Sorry. Could take a little while.
Like, a year... or two.
Or never.
And I'd appreciate it if you'd refer to my mother as Mrs. Gribalski.
I didn't know your dad was into birds and everything.
Are you kidding me, Nelson? My dad's practically Mr. Outdoors.
Well, if my dad was on his way here,
I'd be getting an embarrassment rash
in places I'm too embarrassed to tell you about.
Well, for your information, Nelson,
my dad's not coming here to embarrass me.
He happens to be one of the area's foremost authorities on the dickcissel.
(SNICKERING)
I'm sure the lecture will go very well.
Hey. Ren, did you get a chance to read my gossip column?
No, but I'm sure it's gonna be just fine.
Well, I kind of thought you'd want to sign off on it
before we print it for all the world to see.
Okay, just give me the highlights.
Okay, uh, Doyle Taylor has a crush on Stacy Funk.
Marvin Hanks was spotted at the Wack Shack with Frieda Richards,
and...
And?
And Mandy Sanchez has a crush on Bobby Deaver.
NELSON: You mean Mandy "Always Gets Her Man" Sanchez
has a crush on Bobby?
I'm really sorry, Ren. Should I kill the story?
(STEVE CAWING LOUDLY)
Hi, sweetheart!
(SIGHS)
Birds.
Airborne beauties
or rats with wings?
For the next 40 minutes, I'll be taking you up-close and personal
with the birds of the Sierra Foothills.
(CAWS LOUDLY)
(STEVE READING)
Say it with me.
ALL: Bird.
STEVE: Very good.
Sail on, oh, bird of fate.
Sail on, oh, birdy.
(COOS AND CAWS)
(SINGING) Migratory North American songbird.
- Grab it and... - (GUN CLICKS)
- (GUNSHOT) - (CHUCKLES)
No, I wouldn't do that.
And there he was,
the yellow-bellied sapsucker,
actually sucking sap.
LINDA: (CRYING) That was just wonderful.
- STEVE: Thank you. - Okay, guys.
Wasn't that wonderful, huh?
Thank you.
You've been a great audience, really.
You know, I don't usually do this,
but, Linda, with your permission,
I'd like to invite you all to the Devil Mountain Wilderness
to observe the migration of the winter bufflehead.
(GASPS) Wow!
I happen to know we have got a lot of bufflehead fans in here.
Is that right?
Well, do I have any takers?
STEVE: Bobby, okay.
Anyone else?
Good.
Okay!
This is gonna be a day of good, clean fun.
- Can I ask you a personal question? - Uh, no.
What kind of underarm deodorant do you use?
Dude, come on.
Dude, I'm sorry, it's just I'm bored
and I'm trying to make polite conversation.
I use Fresh Guy.
Dude, do you smell what I smell?
- (SNIFFING) - Look.
TWITTY: Tom is eating cheesy pizza, man.
Can you believe that? The guy lied to us.
Hey, Gribalski!
Thought you said your oven was gonna be busted for a year.
Oops! Guess I made a boo-boo.
Hey, is that any way to treat your friends, man?
Well, this hot, delicious pizza
is for people that care about me,
and not for two-faced pizza pigs like you.
Now, get off my property!
Hey, this is the sidewalk, Tom, okay? This is public property.
Right, and... and the law says that we can camp out here for two weeks
and there is nothing you can do about that.
Really?
- He crusted me. - That is hurtful.
LOUIS: That is hurtful, Tom!
REN: I wouldn't need new hiking boots
if Dad would just stay out of my social life.
Okay, not following.
Mom, I am almost 15, which is almost 18,
with is practically 21.
I need to start keeping my home life and my school life separate.
Separate from Dad, anyways.
Oh, honey. See, I know,
I know your dad can sometimes really go over the top, but he...
Oh, he really loves you
and I happen to know he is so thrilled
that you are going with him tomorrow.
Try and make it work.
- Okay. - All right.
EILEEN: Why do I have all this pizza?
- Louis. - Yes?
When you knocked over that pyramid of beef stew cans
was that to distract me while they rang up...
$150 worth of frozen pizza?
Okay, I could have gotten my hiking boots.
Sorry, sis, listen.
I'm on a four-slice-a-day habit, all right?
Just... Let's preheat the oven to 450
and discuss this in a calm and reasonable manner.
Does she really need glitter eye shadow just to go hiking?
(COUGHING)
Thank you, ladies, thank you.
I just to repel the insects, not drown them.
Oh, trouble at six o'clock.
- Hi, Bobby. - Hi.
Mandy.
Hello, Ren.
Bobby and I were just laughing at the fact
that we're both wearing brand-new Teton 100's. (GIGGLES)
Wow, there's nothing funnier than a good shoe coincidence, huh?
Yeah. Oh, your boots are classics.
Weren't they on display at the Museum of Hiking?
(CAWING)
Okay, kids, let's huddle up.
(STEVE CAWING)
Okay, gang, we're all geared up.
Now, the trails are clearly marked,
but I still don't want anyone leaving the visitor's area
unless you have a trail buddy.
Trail buddy?
STEVE: So let's pair up. Nelson...
you and Ruby team up.
Bobby and Mandy,
and Natalie, Ren, and myself.
So, if there are no further questions,
we'll all meet back here at 1300 hours.
(BIRD SCREECHING)
STEVE: Oh, this is very rare.
That could be a red-breasted nuthatch.
- You see her? - Mm-hmm.
Ah. I think Miss Nuthatch is looking for a mate.
REN: Yep, that's what she's doing, alrighty.
So, you think everyone's having fun?
Yeah, Dad, everyone's having a fantastic time.
Something bothering you?
Yeah, you.
Why can't you just realize that I'm in a relationship?
You and Bobby?
Oh, honey, I'd hardly call a school girl crush a relationship.
Hey, look, a scissortail flycatcher.
You just can't deal with the fact
that I'd rather be down there with my boyfriend
than up here watching stupid birds with you!
I don't even like birds, okay?
I think they're dirty, dumb, and boring!
Young lady, you are very lucky birds have notoriously bad hearing.
Well, then I'll say it louder then.
(SHOUTING) I hate birds! (ECHOES)
That's it! Back to the van!
We are no longer trail buddies.
That's just fine with me, Dad.
Stupid birds.
I don't even know why we watch 'em, anyway.
They should be watching us.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Please, take your seats.
First of all, I just want to thank you guys for coming on such short notice.
I really appreciate it.
What's going on? I mean, you paged me like ten times.
As you may have heard, yesterday Mr. Twitty and I
experienced what one would call
a major dissing,
courtesy of a seventh-grader, Mr. Tom Gribalski.
I feel violated.
Friends just don't treat friends like that.
We need to show this Mr. Gribalski
that revenge is swift.
- And, oh, so sweet. - TWITTY: Sweet.
Mr. Stevens, very sweet.
Why are we using last names?
I, uh...
Okay, so this is all about getting even with Tom
because he lied to you about his pizza oven.
That's right.
Miss Dean appears to be leaving.
Yeah, that's right. I'm leaving.
Tawn...
No. Don't try to tell me that Tom is your friend, okay?
You guys just used him.
Do you even know anything about him?
For example, did you know that his father is a nurse?
Or did you know that Tom collects lead soldiers?
Or did you know that right this second
Tom is representing our school in the sectional chess meet?
Look, all I know
is he used to make us pizza, and now he don't.
(BOTH SNICKER)
You know, Louis,
no one can disappoint me quite like you can.
I am not lost.
I'm not lost.
I think I'm lost.
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
(BRANCH CRACKING)
(SCREAMING)
Ah!
I broke a nail!
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
(MOUTHING) Loser.
(BIRD CAWING)
REN: Dad?
Dad, how did you find me?
I figured you'd miss the sign and wander down the Devil's Backside.
Sure enough, I was able to see your head sticking out of the crack.
Oh. Look, I'm really sorry. I never...
Oh, honey, honey, I'm sorry.
You're growing up so fast
and it's hard for me.
I've been treating you like a little girl and it's my fault.
I'm sorry.
Honey, there's a small rock slide headed our way.
Watch your head.
You don't have to impress anyone.
Not Bobby Deaver or anyone else.
You're a special girl.
And if you ever want to talk about relationships,
- I'm there for you. - I know.
I know, Dad.
I love you.
I love you, too.
- Let's get you out of here. - Okay.
(HORN BLARING)
Guys, what are you doing?
Nathan just broke down Tom's defense.
- Oh, yeah? All right, De... - fense!
- De... - fense!
- De.. De... De... - fense ...fense ...fense...
(BOTH GRUNTING)
- De.. De... De... - fense ...fense ...fense...
- Go! Go! - Tom! Tom!
- Go! Go!
- Tom! Tom!
- Go! Go!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
ALL: (CHANTING) Go, Tom! Go, Tom!
Go, Tom! Go, Tom! Go, Tom!
(ALL CHEERING)
Checkmate!
(ALL CHEERING)
Tom Gribalski, you just won the district chess championship.
What are you gonna do now?
I'm gonna go get my windbreaker.
(ALL CHEERING)
Okay. First we get Mandy in the van, then I'll get in, then you get in,
and Ren and Bobby can be reunited in the middle seat once again.
- NELSON: It's not gonna work. - Why not?
Because you just don't give away a name like
Mandy "Always Gets Her Man" Sanchez.
I mean, come on. Look at him. He's under her spell.
RUBY: But Ren's relationship is at stake. Come on, you guys.
Ruby, maybe me and Bobby don't have a relationship.
Let's go.
We had the best time.
We saw a woodpecker and six blue jays.
- Didn't we, Bobby? - Sure did.
(MANDY CHUCKLES)
Well, it's time to get in the van, Mandy.
Oh, my gloves! I left them down by the water fountain.
- Can you come with me to go get them? - I'll get them with you.
And I'll tell you what. On the way home,
why don't you sit in front with me?
I'd love to hear about your day.
Uh...
Please.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Oh.
So, did you have a fun time?
Yeah, it was awesome.
- It's really beautiful out here, you know? - Yeah.
I missed you, though.
You did?
Yeah, I felt weird being paired up with Mandy.
I felt like she was crowding me all day.
Really? I didn't notice.
So, did you have fun?
Yeah. It was interesting.
But then it always is when I'm hanging out with my dad.
This is so good, Tom.
My compliments to the chef.
Grazie.
Checkmate.
- One more time. One more time. - All right.
(MUMBLING) Anything on my face?
No, you look okay.
- Really? Okay. - TAWNY: Yeah.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)