(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
({EXPLOSION)
Ball three.
(CROWD WHISTLES AND APPLAUDS)
UMPIRE: Take your base.
(GROANS) We're blowing our lead.
- How fast is Dobson throwing, Stevens? - Thirty-seven miles per hour.
- (SIGHS) - It's ridiculous.
My grandma can throw a ball of yarn faster.
ARTIE: Back, back, back...
Oucho magoucho, it's a grand slam!
The Lawrence Wombats have given up ten straight runs
and now lead only by two.
I'm sure Coach Tugnut will have
some words of encouragement for his pitcher.
Dobson, you stink!
Coach, listen.
I think it's time for a pitching change.
Twitty, get in there, buddy, come on!
COACH TUGNUT: Twitty, sit down.
COACH TUGNUT: Stevens, for the last time
you are not the coach here.
The only reason you're on the team
is because you have a radar gun.
Where'd you get that thing anyway?
Got it at a police auction.
Now, I would've got the Jaws of Life. It just didn't fit on my bike.
ARTIE: Uh-oh! There goes another one!
Twitty! Why are you just sitting there? Get in the game.
- But I thought you said... - Go!
Come on, bud. All right.
Now pitching for the first time this season, Alan Twitty.
Whoo!
ARTIE: Alan throws right, bats left
and lives around the corner from Del's Pizzeria.
Twitty, you forgot your glove.
- Good start. - No, I'll get it. Don't worry about it.
Here, hold this, okay?
You forgot your glove, bud.
- Guess I'm going to need that. - Yeah.
You okay?
Twitty, okay, you're going to do great.
Just relax, have fun. You have nothing to lose.
- Okay? - Okay.
All right, buddy. It's all about you.
LOUIS: He's good.
Strike one.
Yowza! Strike one.
Throwing some serious heat. That's the way!
COACH TUGNUT: Smoking!
UMPIRE: Strike two.
- Strike three. - Out of there.
- Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! Go, Twitty!
You're out!
(CHEERING)
ARTIE: He's out of there!
And the Wombats win!
Thanks to the amazing performance of Alan Twitty.
Holy guacamole, a star is born!
And that's not even the worst part. I got an A-minus in English.
Oh, hey, Ren, not to interrupt and not to alarm you,
but Bobby Deaver got new jeans.
Yeah, I saw them.
But they're not new, they're in the rotation.
Ren, can you get my homework assignment for me?
I have to go to the nurse's office.
I think I have irritable chalk syndrome.
Um, yeah, sure, whatever.
Okay, I have to ask.
Nelson, what's irritable chalk syndrome?
While I was cleaning the chalk board
I breathed in this giant dust ball.
You know what, I hate it when that happens.
Nurse Phil will flush out your sinuses.
Well, let's hope so.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh. Bye.
- What's up? - Nothing.
I'm just getting my books.
I have geography next.
It's a big world.
(CHUCKLING)
- You ever been to Canada? - No.
You know, our system of government is very similar to theirs.
Cool.
Well, it was nice talking to you.
You, too.
(SIGHS)
So, how did it go?
We talked about Canada.
Canada. Not so romantic.
I don't get it. Every time I talk to him I get so nervous
I just start rambling and can't shut up.
Well, I have some advice for you. Do shut up.
RUBY: Just let him do that talking.
But what if there's an awkward silence
- and then... - Shh.
- But what... - Shh.
Shh.
So, Twitty, how does it feel to be the big sports hero?
I mean, not that I'm into sports or anything.
Great game.
I actually find it to be a waste of the human spirit.
BOY: You the man.
- But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. - BOY 2: MVP.
I got to give props to my main man, Lou,
'cause he is the guy that told me I just got to relax on the mound
and I got nothing to lose.
- That's right, bro. - He's the man.
Except now everything's changed.
What do you mean?
Yeah, what do you mean?
Twitty, you're the guy everyone counts on to win games.
I... I am?
You're finally in the spotlight. You're the closer, the man.
The big poppa with the big moppa!
Hey, Ren. Hey, I wanted to ask you something.
Okay?
You know this Saturday's our field trip to Sutter's Fort
and I was wondering if you wanted to...
you know, sit next to me on the bus.
Great.
So I'll see you on Saturday.
Well, it was nice talking to you.
It worked.
What?
Excuse me.
(SCREAMS) Yes! Yes! Yes!
Thank you.
Now pitching for the Lawrence Wombats, Alan Twitty.
Shut 'em down, Twitty. We all know you can do it.
Okay, Twitty, you know what to do.
What?
Strike 'em out, shut the door, save the game.
What are you doing here?
- No, what are you doing here? - Why, you...
LOUIS: Twitty.
Twitty, Twitty.
You're finally in the spotlight. You're the closer, the man.
The big poppa with the big moppa!
BOTH: Throw the dang ball!
(SIGHS)
Whoa! Look out!
(CROWD GASPING)
ARTIE: Oh, right in the peanuts!
That's got to hurt.
(CROWD GROANING)
Twitty! Throw it over the plate!
Oh, holy cow, someone get me a hard hat.
- (GLASS BREAKS) - (CAR ALARM BLARING)
And the final score is Schuster Junior High, 29.
Lawrence Junior High, 2.
But the real story here is how Alan Twitty stunk up the field.
Twitty, Twitty, Twitty. Listen, listen, buddy.
You were a little off, all right?
But on the plus side, that one pitch that hit the windshield
it was 75 miles per hour and I think...
You know, you talk too much.
- What? - Look, man.
You got inside my brain, okay?
You messed things up.
You made me choke,
and now I'm never going to pitch again.
Twitty, I just wanted to tell you...
(GLASS BREAKS, WATER SPLASHES)
Twitty, you don't look so good.
Guys, what are you doing here?
I told you on the phone that I didn't want to talk about this.
You got to get up. You got a game this afternoon.
Up and at em'. Hup, hup, hup! Come on. Let's get up.
I'm not playing anymore, man. You saw how bad I pitched yesterday.
Twitty, look, we can help you with your problem, okay?
- We believe it to be psychological. - Right here.
Nothing is going to help, okay?
I just choked and now I'm choking at everything.
And now I'm going to choke again at my game this afternoon.
No, that's not true. There's a treatment called, uh...
behavior modification, and it can help, bro.
- What is it? - Louis?
Oh, yeah, right.
Okay, to put it simply, good thoughts earn you rewards.
A delicious jellybean, okay?
Bad thoughts earn you...
A whiff of my deadliest, nastiest socks.
- (STEAM HISSING) - (GROANING)
Ooh.
(COUGHING) Come on, Twitty, just try it.
You got nothing to lose, right?
Absolutely nothing.
- All right. - Okay.
Okay, now, now close your eyes
and picture yourself at this afternoon's game.
In the dugout, waiting to go out and pitch.
Now, how do you feel?
Uh, I guess I feel okay.
Rockin'. Give him a jellybean.
LOUIS: Awesome. Good thought.
Okay, now you go out to that... that stupid hill thingy.
It's a mound. It's called a mound.
Whatever.
Okay, the team, the students, your parents
everyone is looking at you waiting for you to throw your first pitch.
Now, how do you feel?
My heart's racing, I feel like I swallowed a pumpkin
and I want to "fuzz fuzz" Mr. Blanket
which I haven't done in ten years.
- (BASKET LID SQUEAKS) - (STIFLED GROAN)
LOUIS: Just breathe deep!
Hi. (CHUCKLES)
Okay, Nelson, you can't sit here.
Ren, my mother read the safest place to sit on the bus is over the axle.
Call me old-fashioned, but I want to live.
Well, your mother was wrong.
RUBY: Bobby.
(SIGHS)
TWITTY: (MUMBLING) Guys, I'm getting light-headed.
When can I have a jellybean?
This isn't working. It's time to pull out the big guns.
Dirty underwear.
Why don't you just call your brother Donnie?
I mean, he knows everything about sports.
Nothing in your way, here we go.
(LAUGHING)
- DONNIE: Wait. Where's the surprise party? - LOUIS: No.
Donnie, forget that. We tricked you.
We brought you here to help Twitty.
He used to be this awesome pitcher. But now he's lost his confidence.
So, there's no ice cream cake?
They're trying to keep me from messing up at my next baseball game, okay?
But it's not going to work 'cause I'm a screw-up.
I'm out of here.
Dude.
TWITTY: Goodbye.
That was the closet.
Look, kid, I had the same problem with shooting foul shots in basketball.
DONNIE: You know, the more I thought about it, the worse it got.
I mean, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.
I got nervous pimples.
Oh, big nasty ones.
Then my coach, he told me that I need to relax.
So he sent me to this great spa.
Big Al's.
Man, it completely mellowed me out.
I didn't miss a shot the rest of the season.
Dude, we got to hit that spa.
Ren, Ren, your forehead's turning pink.
What does it matter?
Bobby is way up there
and he's never going to see my pink forehead.
Look, you'll get your Bobby, trust me.
I know how we can get Captain Blow-Your-Nose to move.
I'm not moving.
Nelson, what if I could arrange for you to sit next to Tasha?
I'm moving. How'd you know I had a crush on her?
Please, it's my job.
But, Ruby, Amy's sitting next to Tasha.
Relax, I'll get you and Bobby together next time we stop.
We'll get Amy to move next to Justin. They're lab partners.
Then we get Stan who's next to Justin
to move next to Donna "Dirty Ears" Delucci.
Stan has stinky feet, so they make a nice couple.
- And then we'll.. - (BRAKES SQUEALING)
RUBY: Okay, everybody.
You all know your assignments. Let's do it.
Something's not right.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This... this is the spa?
- I'm supposed to relax here? - Yeah.
It was nicer the last time I was here. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
- I guess Big Al let the place go. - (BUBBLING)
I think Big Al let himself go.
Oh, it says "Push here." Okay.
(SCRATCHY TAPE PLAYING)
Howdy, I'm Big Al. Sorry I let myself go.
The therapeutic mud treatment is $15
- and the sauna is complementary. - That's cool.
However, the sauna room is broken.
Well, folks, enjoy my Country Spa, and on the way out, grab a fresh towel
and stop by Big Al's Country Kissing Booth.
Happy relaxing.
You want to jump right in the mud or go in the kissing booth?
Hey, hey, no, look. We're here to pack him in the mud
and straighten his head out.
I'm not getting in that nasty mud.
Listen, Twitty, I'm your best friend, okay?
And I want to help you,
but you're at the point now where only you can help you.
Dude, I don't know, man.
The mud's starting to smell kind of funky.
Twitty, he drove 50 miles okay?
I'm spending $15.
You're getting in the stinking mud!
I'm not getting in the mud pit, man.
How does it feel?
Feels like I'm in a giant bowl of dirt pudding
with a rusty license plate in it.
Come on. For the next hour
just soak and don't think about anything.
You're in a place of suspended tranquility.
No thoughts, no wants, no needs.
- You guys hungry? - Yeah, I'm starved.
- Didn't we pass a Burger Barn? - Yeah, I think we did. Let's go.
Hey, will you guys get me some fries?
Will you get me some slaw?
- (MUD BUBBLING) - A pickle?
RUBY: Okay, this is where we went wrong.
Larry Lincoln sat next to Colleen Rositano,
not Colleen McCormack.
It was a simple case of Colleen confusion.
This is not going to work.
Let's just see.
Okay, people. Uh, let's try this again.
Try to get it right this time, all right?
Ready, and go!
(MOUTHING) I'm sorry.
Is it just me
or is the whole world revolving around Ren Stevens?
This is not about my ego, Nelson.
I was going to sit next to Bobby Deaver and I was really looking forward to it.
It's too late now.
Hey, Ren.
Finally made it.
You know the national fish of Canada is the copperhead salmon?
Yeah, I looked it up.
(CHUCKLES) You don't want to talk about Canada, do you?
Not really.
Look, that whole Canada thing was just me being nervous around you.
You know, I'm nervous around you, too.
But it's weird because I usually don't get nervous around girls,
but I am with you.
So, we're both nervous around each other.
I guess we have something in common.
I guess we do.
Oh, man, I feel like a little kid again.
Oh, that is so sweet.
No, I mean, when I was a little kid I used to get carsick.
So... I'm kind of feeling like that.
- Could you excuse me for one second? - Bobby, Bobby?
(VOMITING)
That was great.
I've never been so relaxed.
Hey, hey, I'm stuck.
I...
Help!
- Help! - (VULTURES SCREECHING)
Come on, guys, where are you?
We're right here, dude.
Hey, what's up, man?
I'm stuck. That's what's up.
- Crummy mud hardened! - TAWNY: Oh, look at this.
"Stir mud every five minutes otherwise mud will harden."
Oh. Yeah, that's great.
"Love, Big Al."
- (PATTING GROUND) - Yeah, the guy knows his mud.
Will someone just get me out of here, okay?
I'm trapped, and I'm going to be trapped here forever.
I'm never going to get to see my grandchildren...
No, no, no, I got you into this, I'm going to get you out, okay?
(WHISPERS) Donnie, how do we get him out?
Um, I would say dig, and quick, before he gets fossilized.
Of course.
Louis. I swear to Bob that when I get out of here
I'm going to pound on you for about a week.
You know, that's not really incentive for me to dig any faster.
- Ow! - Oh, sorry.
Hey, don't worry, big guy. We'll get you out of here in no time.
I say all's well that ends well.
I say we let bygones be bygones.
I say, uh... that you run for your life!
Right!
(YELLING)
I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt...
I was just trying to help you!
Twitty! Twitty, stop it!
Wait, stop!
Do you realize you've hit the bulls-eye every single time?
Yeah, that is some cannon you got there, dude.
Too bad we can't focus that anger.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Here we go.
Strike!
- Yeah, yeah! - Twitty! Two more!
You want some more?
Strike!
I don't know what's happened, but the Twitty-meister is back.
You're out of here!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Strike three. You're out of here.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Way to go, Twitty!
- We got it! We got it! - All right!
(YELLS)
- (LAUGHS) - Stevens, what are you doing?
I'm celebrating!
Idiot! We're in the top of the fifth.
We have two innings to go.
Sorry, I got a little excited there.
- Let me just tidy you up there. I'm sorry. - Not your hat!
Right, of course not, why would I use my hat?
You probably like yours more.
(YELLING)
- Hey, Ren. - Hey.
So, how was your trip?
Pretty good, after they hosed down Nelson's backpack.
- Good. - Who won the game?
Oh, we did.
Twitty got back to his old self again
and he's pitching really well, so...
Oh, that's good. Tugnut must be happy.
Well, no, actually, uh, he's kind of ticked off at me.
Which is not a big deal, you know?
So, after he chilled off,
I told him there's this place he could go relax.
So he's going tomorrow.
Help!
Somebody?
(WHIMPERING)
Stevens!