(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING)
(EXPLOSION)
(SIGHS)
No, no, you guys don't!
I was just settling down to watch Cynthia Mills
do the six o'clock news. I don't think so.
Well, that's great
'cause as soon as her boring news program is over
we get to watch the hilarious antics of Zippy Winds!
(GLEEFUL SCREAMING)
ANNOUNCER: Live from our studios in downtown Sacramento
with our Action News team
anchor Cynthia Mills
sports with Sluggo Bydell
and Zippy Winds with the weather.
(CHEERING)
Time for the KSAC News.
Good evening, Sacramento.
I'm Cynthia Mills with tonight's news.
Isn't she great?
She's so honest and intelligent and hard-hitting.
Our top story...
Horticultural history was made today
as the town of Gilroy
unveiled the world's largest garlic clove...
Oh, it's so hard-hitting and honest, and...
Yeah, well, it's a slow news day.
And for our young newshounds
don't forget to send in your audition tape
so you can be my junior reporter.
Don't worry, Cynthia, I am on it.
Wait, you're going to be her junior reporter?
Well, first I need to submit a tape.
You know, with some sample news coverage?
But I have some great ideas.
You know, the Wombat Report?
All that experience is paying off.
Dude, you get to meet Zippy!
Dude, don't call me "dude."
And, yeah, probably...
but I... I... that's not on my list of priorities, really.
Ren, you need to promise us on all that's holy
that when you get the job...
and I know you will, you'll get it...
- Thanks. - No matter what
you will introduce us to Zippy Winds.
Promise. Scout's honor, do it right now.
"I swear..." Ren?
- Fine, okay. - Yeah!
But I don't see what the big deal is.
- I don't even know what you... - Shh!
And now for a peek at our local forecast
here's our very own Zippy Winds.
(CHEERS)
(GOOFY MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Weather Heads!
- Yeah! Zippy! - Zippy!
Let's look into Zippy's weather chest
and see what's blowing our way, shall we?
(HOWLING WIND)
Hey, look, it's my biggest fan!
It really is!
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)
Let's take a quick look at the temperature, shall we?
(BUBBLING NOISES)
Oh, I'm fine, thank you for asking.
Let's check the barometer, shall we?
- (SQUEAKING) - You get it!
It's a bear... with an "ometer" in it!
You get that one?!
Now, seriously, folks
today's forecast is...
(EVIL LAUGHTER)
Moisture!
(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)
This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen, ever!
Ren, that's what Zippy's all about.
He's a celebration of stupidity!
Moisture!
(HYSTERICAL LAUGHING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello, I'm Dr. Anre LaGrans
and welcome to Look Smart, Be Smart,
the video that teaches you how to appear intelligent.
Neat-o.
Are you tired of being an airhead?
Totally.
Do you want to be respected for your brain?
- Yes. - Are you talking
to the television right now?
No.
Let's begin.
Reach into your box of intelligence
and remove the spectacles.
Glasses.
Oh.
Well done.
You're looking smarter already.
Hey, there's Tawny. Let's ask her, okay?
Hey, Tawny, would you mind
if I interviewed you for an audition tape?
Uh, no, sure, go right ahead.
Okay, cool. Ready?
All right... three, two, one.
Hi, I'm Ren Stevens inside Lawrence Junior High School
to ask kids what they think about the hot topics of today.
Now, you are?
I'm Tawny Dean.
Tawny, many people think
that using the wombat as our school mascot
is not only degrading to wombats,
- but to all living creatures. - Your thoughts?
Well, yeah, I think I'd have to agree with that.
I mean, why should an animal be put up to ridicule?
And, after all, if a wombat dressed up like a human
and jumped around like a doofus
I'd be pretty insulted.
Hmm... that's fascinating.
Thank you, Tawny.
Twitty, if Ren does that lame mascot story
we'll never get to meet Zippy.
Dude, dude, man, she should do her story on bacon, bro.
- Why bacon? - Everybody loves bacon, you know.
It's like, it's crispy, and it's salty, and it's like...
it's nature's candy.
It's sweet.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I'll get it.
Well, if it isn't little Bernard from next door.
It's Beans.
Mmm, do you smell bacon?
When asked a question, do not blurt out
the first thing that comes to mind.
Take a moment to ponder
and stroke your chin thus. Hmm.
Remember, for all anyone knows
you might be a bona fide genius.
What part of bacon don't you understand?
Hey, for all you know, I might be a bona fide genius.
BEANS: Yeah, right.
Oh, dude, what if your sister did a report
on that kid from Fulsome that got his shirt caught in the wood chipper?
No, it was an old shirt. I remember that.
- Hmm, I sure like bacon. - No, Beans.
Ah, see, though, he likes the bacon, man?
Beans, you can't; we're thinking.
Let me help.
Beans, you can't help.
- This is big-boy thinking. - Ah, come on.
For all you know, I might be a bona fide genius.
(CHUCKLES)
A bona fide genius, yeah...
Come here.
(WHISPERING)
Wait a second.
All you said was, "Psst, psst, psst."
Yeah, I know.
I'm killing time working out the details.
If I'm involved, it's going to cost you.
Name your price.
I want to sleep over at your house.
(GROANS)
All right, fine. Agreed.
And the rest of that bacon.
(SIGHS) Okay, major crops, major crops.
I can do this; major crops in Philippines.
I feel there's trouble...
Okay... Okay...
Oh, hi, Beans.
- You need something? - Negative.
Well, I sort of have a humongous report due tomorrow
on the Philippines
so, uh, I need you to skedaddle.
Okay?
Uh, is something the matter?
Philippines; the island also known
as the Pearl of the South Pacific.
Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right. How did you know that?
It just kind of came to me.
Oh, okay.
It's a shame you don't know anything about the major crops.
Major crops... major crops...
TWITTY: (OVER TRANSMITTER) The major crops of the Philippines
are rice, sugar cane bananas and coconuts.
Rice, sugar cane, bananas, and...
Coconuts!
Coconuts.
That's exactly right.
Hey, when you two are done wasting time.
Beans and I got some gravy balloons to fill.
Hey, Louis come here.
Did you know, that our little friend here
is extremely bright?
Who? Beans?
The Philippines is an archipelago
consisting of 7,100 islands.
This is amazing. He's right.
So what? He knows some stuff about the Philippines.
- Come on, Beans. Let's go fill balloons. - No, no...
Okay, Beans, do you know anything else?
Yes, I do.
There are 26 bones in the human foot.
The metatarsals, the medial malleolus...
This is great.
The boy is a walking encyclopedia.
This is exactly the story that I need
that's going to put me on the junior reporter seat.
The heel bone, calcaneus
the talus, the navicular, the cuboid, the phalanges.
Wow, Beans, can you name
the five last Japanese Sumo wrestling champions?
Hmm...
That would Aki Bono, Takanahama...
I've seen enough.
Excellent work...
Junior Reporter.
Guys, I got it.
(CHEERS)
So... so when do we get to meet Zippy?
Oh, I don't know.
What? Ren, you promised us on all that was holy.
I know, I know, okay, fine.
Just come in tomorrow.
BOTH: We're going to see Zippy!
Wait! I didn't tell you the cool part.
What?
Cynthia Mills is having me do the Beans story on the news.
Oh... well, what's that mean?
I am going to interview Beans live on the air.
And soon, everyone is going to see
how smart you really are, my little genius.
But I'm not really... Photogenic.
Oh, yes, you are, buddy, aren't you?
Yes, I am, Ren.
I'm very photogenic.
Are you going to disappoint everyone?
No... no, I'm not gonna.
- What are we going to do? - Dude, I don't know.
34, 35, 36, 37... Beans, enough.
I can't stop till I get to a trillion.
Would you just go to sleep, Beans?
No way!
You're not supposed to sleep at a sleepover.
Beansie, we got work to do.
Can you please be quiet for five seconds?
That's all I'm asking, five seconds.
- (IMITATES ENGINE REVVING) - Now, Twitty. Listen.
We can make this work...
We can make this work.
All we have to do is pull off
the Brainy Beansie routine at the TV studio.
- That's all. All right? - Dude.
I don't know, man... this is live TV.
Don't you think this is a little risky?
You know, I say we just tell Ren the truth
and... she'll understand.
- You think? - Yeah.
Oh, sure. I understand.
All right. Here's what we're going to do. Okay?
We're going to take the laptop to the TV studio
and feed Beansie the answers through his hat.
What's in it for me?
Beansie, you already got your sleepover.
That was for the first time.
The second time is very expensive.
All right, what do you want?
Hmm.
Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
(CHANTING SPEEDING UP)
Hello, Mother.
Hi, Don... nie. Uh...
Sweetie, when did you start wearing glasses?
To appear intelligent when asked a difficult question
simply ask the same question back, you see?
When did you start wearing glasses?
Son, we don't wear glasses.
Ah. That's what I thought.
Well, anyway, it was very sweet of you
to take the kids to the station.
Did you remember to put gas in the car?
Try and work some big words
into your everyday conversation.
For example, "cornucopia"
meaning "bountiful."
Bountiful?
- "A lot of." - Oh.
Well, as a matter of fact
I put a cornucopia of gas in the car.
Good.
Do you know what you'd like for dinner, Donnie?
How about a corn on the copia?
(LAUGHING)
Son, did you bump your head on a dictionary?
Did you bump my head on a dictionary?
I think he's wearing
his football helmet a little too tight again.
I'll go check the oxygen level in his room.
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
Aw...
Mommy loves you.
Ow!
Oh, no, no, no, you don't.
He is not wearing that stupid hat on television.
No, Ren, it's not for style.
He needs it, okay? It keeps his brain warm.
There's our superstar.
Our little Bernard Aranguren.
Are we on TV now?
Uh... no.
Oh, no, that was just a little genius humor.
(LAUGHING)
Do you have any bacon?
Um, that's just his brain food.
Oh. Oh, Ren.
I want you to take Bernard here
to the kitchen and get him
a BLT before we get started.
Right away. Let's go.
Dude, there's Zippy.
No, no. Twitty, stop.
Listen, stop. Okay, forget about Zippy.
Right now we have to find a phone jack
to connect to the Internet
and feed Beansie the answers.
- Right. - Right. Good.
Well, uh, Cynthia.
You certainly have a lot
of interesting equipment around here.
Actually, we have a cornucopia of equipment.
Yes.
Cornucopia, meaning "bountiful."
"A lot of."
So, tell me, how do all these cameras work?
How do you think they work?
Hey.
You were just speaking to Cynthia.
Isn't she brilliant?
Uh, yeah. Hey, you know, Ren
Cynthia may not be all that you think she is.
What? Oh.
Donnie, I really don't have time for this. Um...
Why are you wearing glasses?
Hey, what are you doing?
Brushing up on some geography?
No, I'm mapping my road trip out to Reno,
"The biggest little city in the world."
Who are you going to Reno with?
Louis and Twitty.
It's part of my secret deal.
What secret deal?
Wire.
Plug this in. Come on.
Which one's the phone line?
I don't know. Pull wires first, ask questions later.
Smart as a telephone pole.
Found it.
Nice.
Are we good?
(CHUCKLES) Sweet.
Yes, we're good.
Beansie? Beansie, this is Sweet Lou.
Are you there? Can you hear me? Over.
Oh, yeah. I can hear you all right.
(SCREAMING)
- Okay. - Start talking while you still can.
Just listen, all right?
Now, we thought you wouldn't get the job
with the boring mascot story
so we hooked you up with Beansie.
- That's all. - Yeah.
- Very simple. - Beansie is a fake, Louis.
Right, but nobody has to know that.
I mean, except for us.
The thing about being a reporter is to tell the truth.
Now, that means I have an obligation
to Cynthia Mills to tell her what's really going on.
Agreed.
- Definitely. - Yeah.
She wasn't as mad as I thought she'd be.
And when I get back
I am going to put a mean hurt on you.
I'm sorry.
Um, I need to talk to you, Cynthia.
It's really important. Uh, Ren...
I have something to tell you
and because I'm saying it, well
it's more important.
I'm taking over the Beans story.
What?
This is my ticket out of Sacramento.
A story like this could get me to the big time,
Cleveland, where dreams come true.
Um, Cynthia. There's something you should know.
Listen, kid. I've paid my dues.
Now, it's time for you to pay yours.
So, if you'll excuse me.
I have a show to do.
Hello, Cleveland.
This is Cynthia Mills with the news.
See ya.
You know, I tried to be truthful.
Tried to have integrity.
You okay?
You know, you were right about Cynthia.
You know, that was very insightful of you.
(CHUCKLES, STUTTERS)
That's like smart, right?
Oh, very much.
Cool.
Good evening.
Socrates, Galileo, Einstein...
Bernard Aranguren.
Possibly the four greatest minds
to have graced this planet.
Is this my water cup?
Yes, it is.
Mmm! I like water.
Bernard... You can call me Beans.
Beans. How charming.
Beans. So apparently
you are an expert on a cornucopia of subjects.
Well, I don't know about corn, but I especially like bacon.
(LAUGHING)
Brilliant and witty.
So, why don't we show our viewers
some of your amazing gifts?
Bernard,
what is the square root of 10,402?
This many?
(LAUGHING)
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)
Come on, my little genius.
Work with me here.
Question Number Two.
Name the capital of Tasmania.
Okay. How about George?
That's my uncle's name.
Really, Bernard. Let's get serious now.
Can you try and concentrate?
Ow!
You're hurting my arm.
Just kidding.
Can you say anything smart?
Not without my hat.
Your hat. Who cares about your stupid hat?!
You're ruining my career!
I'm going on a road trip!
Road trip! Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
Man, old Beansie sure did a number on her.
Yeah. Yeah, but she deserved it.
I mean, what I did was wrong
but stealing my sister's story?
Now, that is really, really wrong.
You're still on my pain list.
BEANS: Road trip! You can't catch me!
I'll make bacon out of you, you little monster!
Isn't this the funnest day ever?
Yeah, I know I've never seen
an anchorwoman get fired.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, Zippy Winds.
Mr. Winds!
We're, like, your biggest fans ever.
Oh, my...
Isn't he the greatest?
Yeah!
Man!
So cool.
100 pounds of clay.
The common fruit fly.
The Galapagos Islands.
The 1912 Boston Red Sox.
The internal combustion engine.
Mesozoic.
A squared plus B squared equals C squared.
Isosceles triangle.
Synchronized swimming.
Bacon?
Bacon!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(THEME MUSIC ENDS)