(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM RINGING)
(YELLS)
What was that for?
It is your fault we have to eat here in the backyard
and miss a gourmet dinner with the Lieutenant Governor and his wife.
Wait. Why is it my fault?
Do you remember what happened
when the Yangs came over for dinner?
Louis...
take that off your fork right now.
Right.
What? That was a good look for her, right?
Besides, you want to eat their fancy-pants food?
Donnie's going to be back any second with the take-out.
You're comparing take-out
with a world-class feast prepared by Chef Pierre?
Chef Pierre. Oui, oui, oui.
Chef Pierre. Oui, oui...
Let's go! Let's go!
No slacking or I send you packing.
No, no, no!
Naughty, naughty!
I don't want to see faces in my kitchen.
Oh, more faces! Go! Leave! Leave!
Did you see that?
The guy hit me.
Oh, Steve, just remember what tonight is all about.
We need to make a good impression
on the Lieutenant Governor
so he'll support your Family Care bill.
That's right, that's right.
Do you think it's okay that
- we have the kids eating outside? - Honey?
Remember when the Del Rubios came over?
This is how you do it.
I've had it done.
You scrape it with the nails.
Oh! It's good they're outside.
They like take-out.
What the heck is that?
It's tofu.
Who wants an end cut?
Does it really matter?
We might as well eat lawn clippings.
Oh, that reminds me.
What is tofu without a little dried kelp?
Huh?
Check, please.
Oh, Louis, look.
Beluga caviar and flaky pastries.
Oh, with onion garnish.
Louis?
Shh!
Oh, so that's why he put in that doggy door.
Okay, people!
It is now time to prepare the canard!
Let's go.
Lieutenant Governor Woods, welcome.
Hello, Eileen.
Come in. Where's Dottie?
She'll be along shortly.
I was playing tennis. She's playing racquetball.
I hope nobody's robbing the house.
(CHUCKLING)
(LAUGHING)
Dave, this is my husband, Steve Stevens.
How do you do? It's a pleasure.
I'm very excited
to tell you all about my Family Care bill.
Oh, Eileen, I know you're very passionate
about this new legislation
but I have a rule.
I never discuss politics on an empty stomach.
It gives me gas.
Gives him gas.
I'm serious.
CHEF PIERRE: Where is the canard?
Bring me the canard!
Thief! Thief!
Unbelievable!
You people lose
my canard? Huh? Huh!
I see faces!
I see no canard. Huh?
First, there is too much garlic on the escargot! Huh?
Then the champignons are gooey!
What is going on, people?
Find my canard!
You want me to go crazy here?
You want me to throw things around? Huh?
Come on! Look!
You people are fools, and slow!
You nincompoop!
Find my canard!
Faces! What is this face at my feet? Huh?
What do you think you are buffing?
A fine quality leather boot, sir.
Go! Get out of my kitchen!
Leave now! I don't want to see you again!
Rodney!
Oh! This stuff
is tofu-licious.
Ren, you haven't touched yours yet.
What's wrong?
I'm hoping it's going to morph into a cheeseburger.
Hey, guys.
What did you bring?
Nothing. I couldn't get near the stuff.
Then why do you have chocolate smeared all over your face?
I don't know how that got there.
How could you be so selfish?
The reason why we're out here
is because of you
and you couldn't even get a little morsel of food?
I did, actually.
You like snails?
Escargot... it's a French delicacy.
Get out of here.
I found this in Twitty's driveway.
(LAUGHS)
Prepare for pain!
You better run!
Donnie, I got your gunk on my shoe!
That gunk is my dinner!
(LOUIS YELLING)
There's a duck in our backyard, man.
Yeah, right, Louis, I'm not going to fall
for that old "duck in the backyard" routine.
(QUACKING)
(QUACKS)
Hey. Hey, duck.
No, no, no, no. Don't touch him.
You don't know where those
webbed feet have been.
Hey, little dude.
His name is Seymour.
How do you know his name is Seymour?
He just looks like a Seymour, right?
You going to give Uncle Donnie a kiss?
Oh! Hey, man, for no lips, you kiss pretty good.
Oh, gosh.
What?
It's your turn.
No. I don't do duck kisses, okay?
Just a quick peck.
He likes you. Go ahead.
Get his wings. You got him?
Yes. He's very cute.
Yes, you are. You're so cute!
Yes, you are. You're so... (CRUNCHING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, my God!
Ow! Ow!
Are you okay?
Yeah, I think so, it's just my nose is a little...
Did the big, mean lady hurt you?
There is my canard!
Faces!
I have been looking all over for my canard!
Don't worry about it, don't be scared.
It's just a guy in a big hat
looking for his canard.
REN: You know what, I hate to tell you this
but canard is French for duck.
So?
Seymour is going to be eaten for dinner.
CHEF PIERRE: Rodney!
No, no, you're not, no, I'm sorry.
Uh, you have a better chance of cooking me, Bud.
Oh, that can be arranged.
Hey, look it here, Cheffie.
Nobody's cooking my brother or his duck.
You people are crazy.
Look guys, this-this dinner is very important for my mother.
Why don't just, you know, make a vegetarian dish?
We have tofu.
That's it!
Unless you give me my canard,
this party is over! No more food.
No Chef Pierre, no faces!
I count to three.
Un... deux...
trois!
(DOOR SLAMS)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
I thought he said he was going to count to three.
Let's go, Louis. Look, we have to be honest
and tell Mom and Dad what happened.
What are we supposed to tell her? That Chef Pierre quit
because we wouldn't let him murder a defenseless duck?
No. Look, the longer we wait to tell her
the more embarrassing it's going to be for Mom.
- Am I right, Donnie? - She's right, Louis.
Guys. If this dinner doesn't happen,
Mom's bill's not going to get passed.
He's right, Ren.
Hey.
I'm confused.
EILEEN: I'll check on the appetizers.
Go, go, go.
Ooh.
Kids...
what are you doing in the house?
Where's Chef Pierre?
Where's all the food?
What? Oh, the food.
Chef Pierre took it outside to the truck to keep it warm.
(DUCK QUACKS)
Even the cold appetizers?
(ALL CLEARING THROATS)
(QUACKS)
LOUIS: What... what was that?
Cold appetizers, yes, uh, they were getting too warm
so he took them outside to cool them down.
Kids, I have a very hungry Lieutenant Governor out there
who won't even talk about my Family Care bill
until he has food in his stomach.
- Ren. - Wha...?
I want you to give me a straight answer.
Well, Mommy... well... (GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
Well, the reason why we're here is...
Well, the chef...
The chef said the food's gonna be in in a couple of minutes.
- Really? - Yes.
- Really? - Really.
Oh, well, you know that.
Chef Pierre is very eccentric.
Okay.
Well, you know, it's okay
because the Governor's wife, Mrs. Woods
isn't even here yet, so I'll...
- All right, go. - Okay.
Canard, it's going to be great.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
What happened to telling the truth?
- I... I couldn't tell her, guys. - Shh, shh, shh!
(SOFTLY) Look, we can pull this off.
All we need is something to cook for dinner.
- What? Not Seymour! - No, wait, wait.
I'll go get take-out duck.
They'll never know the difference.
That's perfect.
Oh, and I'll go entertain them.
I'll just need some duct tape and funny glasses.
Oh, I don't think so, Chuckles.
You're not even going to get out of this room.
-What's...? Now...
you're going to be a chef.
Make some appetizers
and make them good.
Uh, family care is so very...
(LOUD RUMBLING)
I wish the Ambersons would fix their garage door.
That is a nuisance.
That... was my stomach.
Getting hungry myself.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Bam.
They want gourmet food,
I will give them gourmet food.
- (QUACKS) - What's that?
Oh, sprinkles, huh? I like the way you think.
Come on baby, do it for Daddy.
(ENGINE STARTS AND DIES)
Oh!
Excuse me, is this the dinner party?
Uh, yes, ma'am. Oh, good.
- Um... - (KEYS JANGLING)
Take care of her for me, please
and I'll make sure that you get something
extra special on my way out, okay?
And please, don't smudge the Lamborghini.
Thank you.
(TIRES SQUEAL)
I am just so sorry I'm late.
- Hi, hon. - Mmm, mmm.
The valet parking, well, that is just
such a real lovely touch.
Valet parking?
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
DOTTIE: Oh, and you know, I'm such a fan
of Chef Pierre's.
I just cannot wait to meet him.
Have I missed any of his exotic creations?
The only thing you've missed is my stomach growling.
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
What are you people laughing at?
I'll go check on those appetizers.
Oh, well... Appetizers, Madame?
- Finally! - Fabulous!
Oh, interesting.
What is it?
Well... it's an eclectic fusion of American flavors.
It's, um, seared marshmallow wrapped in bacon
and topped... with an olive.
(COUGHING)
Mmm. That Chef Pierre is a genius.
I'm telling you.
DAVE: He's always coming up
with some new surprises.
I'm going to go see what other...
surprises he has cooked up for us now.
Come, dear.
(MUMBLING)
Mmm, this is delicious.
What is going on in here?
Where is Chef Pierre?
- Who is that? - This is Seymour.
Mom, maybe you better sit down.
I don't need to sit down.
Oh. Well, okay.
Louis got into an argument with Chef Pierre and he quit.
Oh...
Actually, now I need to lie down.
Mom, I don't think you've heard the whole story.
I mean, Chef Pierre was trying to cook Seymour
and Seymour's like one of the family now.
Well, actually, more like Ren.
That thing bit me... it's more like you.
What am I supposed to do for dinner?
My guests are expecting a gourmet... duck.
Well, don't worry about.
We have everything under control.
Donnie's getting take-out duck right now.
Ren, Mr. and Mrs. Woods have eaten
in the finest restaurants all over the world.
Do you think they're going to be fooled
by silly snacks and take-out?
DAVE: Eileen, any more of those delectable hors d'oeuvres?
Uh... yes, Dave. On my way.
Be right there.
Do you realize how embarrassing this is going to be for me?
No, no. You just keep your eye on the prize, okay?
You get that bill passed.
We'll take care of dinner.
This is not going to work.
Yes, it will. Go ahead.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLING): Hi.
Seymour, I hope you realize that...
- Seymour? - Seymour?
Sey... mour?
Can you go look over there? Seymour?
(LAUGHING)
So, I'm on a par three.
I should've used my nine iron
but I went and pulled my seven iron out of the bag...
Uh, do you play golf, Dave?
No, I hate the game.
Do you want to know what I really enjoy?
- What's that? - Eating duck.
Look... you dropped your napkin.
Come help me find it.
(STEVE GRUNTS)
Shh! Listen to me.
- Yeah? - Chef Pierre quit.
Donnie's out buying duck
and Louis made the appetizers.
- What?! - Shh!
(STEVE GROANS)
Act natural.
I found it!
(EILEEN AND STEVE LAUGHING)
Yes!
Wow, sweet wheels.
Yeah?
Have you ever smelled real Italian leather before?
Go ahead, take a whiff.
This baby has 15 layers of candy apple red paint.
(OOH-ING AND AH-ING)
Oh, no!
Sorry, girls, I got to get some duck.
Well, you're in quite a hurry, Richie Rich.
Officer, you don't understand.
My mom needs to pass her bill
and the lieutenant governor, well, he's expecting canard
but his wife, she asked me to park the Lamborghini
and I can't find duck anywhere!
Yeah. Uh, I'm going to need some backup here.
Come on...
(LAUGHTER)
Where's the duck?
- I don't know. Where's Donnie? - I don't know.
- Maybe they ran off together. - What?
Is the duck ready?
Actually, the chef is just
putting on some finishing touches.
You know what?
I am so sorry that it's taking...
Did you just drop your napkin?
Come back here, you little... (MUTTERING)
You get over here now.
(DUCK QUACKING)
Dave!
That wasn't me.
I was actually going to... (GASPS)
You bite me and I'll bite you right back.
Come back here, you little...
Found it!
Bucket O' Duck.
Yes! Thank you!
(FILTERED, DISTORTED VOICE): Quack, quack. Welcome to Bucket O' Duck.
Yeah, I need an 18-piece, uh, extra-crackly.
Oh, Officer, uh, thank you so much.
Glad to help out, son.
I had a pet duck myself as a boy.
(VOICE BREAKING): Quacky whacky.
We had some good times.
Let's move out.
Good luck, son.
Thanks.
Well, I am just going to go see
what's taking Chef Pierre so long.
Dottie, no, don't do that, because...
Chef Pierre is very temperamental.
He does not like to be bothered.
Yeah. I heard he clobbered a guy with a ladle once.
That's why he's not allowed back in Belgium.
DOTTIE: Don't worry, dear.
I know how to handle these people.
(TIRES SCREECH)
Dinner is served.
Well, that was just amazing.
I'm going to have to go thank Chef Pierre right now.
DAVE: I should thank him, too.
Uh... Incoming!
DAVE: That's the best duck I've ever had.
Oh! People, the chef is very busy right now.
I just wanted to tell Chef Pierre
how much we just loved...
(FRENCH ACCENT): Faces! I hear faces!
W... We don't want to interrupt... Faces!
Go away.
(QUACKING)
Hey, Seymour's back.
I mean...
(FRENCH ACCENT): Who put this duck in my kitchen?!
You! Gaah!
(LOUIS SPEAKING WITH THICK, UNINTELLIGIBLE ACCENT)
Eileen, what's going on here?
Is this some kind of joke?
DOTTIE: Bucket O' Duck?
Isn't that... fast food?
EILEEN: I can explain all of this.
Yes. Eileen can explain all of this.
Good luck.
Obviously, this is not Chef Pierre
and this has not been a gourmet meal, and...
well, this is my family, and I guess
I should have stopped this whole nonsense
when I first heard about it.
It's my fault, too, honey... I fathered them.
No. People, please, I mean, I'm the one
who thought that we could pull this off.
I'm part to blame as well.
I did put 93 miles on the, uh... the Iambi.
LOUIS: No, guys
it's very noble of you, but, uh
there's only one bad egg here, and that's me... I messed up.
I mess up on a regular basis... ask my parents.
So... you were all in on this.
REN: Well, yeah
but we only wanted you to have a perfect dinner
so you would support Mom's bill.
Eileen, when I first read your bill
I could see that you were very passionate about family...
but now that I've seen your little clan in action
I can see where that passion comes from.
I'd be proud to support your bill.
- Really?! - That's great!
Really? Thank you!
(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)
Now, people, listen.
Down to important business.
What's for dessert?
Now you can laugh.
(ALL LAUGHING)
STEVE: Good night, Ren.
REN: Good night, Donnie.
DONNIE: Good night, Mom.
EILEEN: Good night, Louis.
LOUIS: Good night, Seymour.
(SEYMOUR QUACKING)