(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
Okay, Louis, we're almost at the top.
- You going to be okay? - Yeah, I'll be fine.
Well, if you're not scared,
then why did you bring me on this dumb ride, huh?
- So I could do this. - What are you...
Oh, no, no. No. Stop that. That is so not funny.
Why am I laughing, then?
(RUMBLING)
Oh, great. See what you did? We're stuck.
We're not stuck.
MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, sorry to inform you
but you're stuck.
Remain calm. A repair crew
is on its way after they finish with the Tilt-A-Whirl.
Great. How long are we going to be up here?
Relax. Enjoy the view, Ren.
We got cotton candy, we got soda...
We got soda.
Why do I always fall for your dumb jokes?
I was supposed to accidentally bump into Bobby Deaver...
in six minutes.
Ren, Ren, chill out. I'll see him at school.
I'll straighten everything out for you, okay?
No. Don't you talk to him at school.
Don't you go near him.
If he's just walking down the hall,
you just shove yourself into the nearest locker.
I'm getting the feeling you don't want me around.
It's more than just a feeling.
Junior high was great until you got there.
Now it's a nightmare.
Oh, yeah? Well, being your brother is about as much fun
as sucking spaghetti through your nose.
Sure, you can do it, but when that meatball gets lodged...
The point is,
you and Donnie have made junior high a nightmare for me since day one.
COACH TUGNUT: Donnie Stevens was more
than just the best athlete this school has ever produced.
Donnie Stevens...
was a man.
(CHUCKLING)
Something funny back there?
No. Nothing. Sorry.
So even though Donnie Stevens has moved on to high school,
he's still an inspiration to me
and should be to all of you boys.
In fact, I can say
that I love Donnie Stevens and what he represents.
Can you believe this?
What's the problem?
Nothing. Sorry. Go on.
Donnie Stevens ran, Donnie Stevens threw
Donnie Stevens tackled, and...
Donnie Stevens wet his bed until he was nine.
What is with you?
Son, you're not fit to clean the mud
off of Donnie Stevens' cleats!
FYI, I clean the mud off his cleats.
He's my brother.
(CHUCKLING) Oh... really?
You're Donnie Stevens' brother? (CHUCKLES)
I would have guessed you were his sister.
(LAUGHING)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
So, boo-hoo, you had a tough first day at school.
I can't believe you're still crying about it.
What? I'm only crying
'cause I'm stuck in this tin bucket with you.
Who ordered a pizza?
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Sorry. Just trying to lighten up the moment.
Who are you?
Irene Roman, Carnival Repair.
I'll have you out of here in no time.
Do we have to tip you?
I'm in no mood for razzing, boy.
I just ate a funnel cake that ain't sitting right.
Just ignore him. That's what I try and do.
This whole thing is his fault.
Oh, I doubt it.
Unless he did the wire job that shorted out the genny.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You see? You see?
A professional talking.
She blames me for everything.
Keep me out of it.
First rule of Carny repair: don't get emotionally involved.
When are you going to stop throwing that first week of school in my face?
When I stop throwing up just thinking about it.
Don't forget I was the one who was running for Student Policy Monitor.
Guys? Guys, can I have your attention just for a minute?
I just need to talk to you for just a minute, please.
Thank you.
Having had the weekend to consider your offer,
I'm happy to say,
I proudly accept your nomination.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thanks, Ren.
It's about time somebody unseated Larry Beale.
That's not going to happen.
Well, I believe that this election
is more important than a popularity contest.
- Very nicely put. - Thanks, Larry.
Let's stick to the issues this year, shall we?
Oh, definitely. Issue number one:
keep the class mutant off the flagpole.
I'm sorry. Could you enlighten us?
Your little brother... dude's up on the flagpole.
Look at that. Look at that.
- (LAUGHTER) - He's insane.
(CLASS LAUGHING)
LOUIS: This morning I had a great breakfast.
Then I went outside
and shot an elephant in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know. (CHUCKLES)
Give me a rock.
I'll get him down here in two seconds.
I'm Louis Stevens, one of the famous Stevens.
My sister is Ren Stevens
and she's in eighth grade here at Lawrence.
Louis, what are you doing?!
There she is now!
Remember...
Everyone move! Out of his way! Out of the man's way!
What's going on here?
I'll have my people look into it, sir.
Larry, please. Millie, get everyone back to class.
Mr. Wexler, this... is my brother.
(REN CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
I'm sorry about this. And on behalf of my family,
I want to pre-apologize for anything else he may do this year.
(SCREAMS)
Son, don't try and move.
Are you okay?
So, you are a Stevens, huh?
Yes, sir.
And today you woke up
and decided, "I'm going to climb that flagpole."
No. I had a routine planned for the cafeteria.
The flagpole was more of an ad-lib.
I see. So why did you do it, then?
I don't know.
Come on. I'm the principal, you're the kid.
That's how this relationship works.
So, why did you do it?
I guess I just wanted everybody to know who I am.
Oh, so you want to meet people?
We have clubs, organizations, athletics...
No, no, no, no.
See, it's not like that.
Everybody at this school knows me
as Ren Stevens' kid brother
because of all the great things she's done.
Imbroglio.
I-M-B-R-O-silent G-L-I-O.
Imbroglio.
Some, like Coach Tugnut,
know me as Donnie's little brother.
(CROWD CHEERING)
My mom is State Senator, Elaine Stevens.
If fighting for social security makes me old-fashioned,
then so be it.
I will fight for social security
and I will be old-fashioned.
(CHEERING)
My dad's a lawyer at Wyndham, Wyndham and Stevens.
Through hard work and superior genetics,
everybody in my family
has found something to be good at.
- I'm just not Stevens material. - Oh, you must be good at something.
I'm not the fastest, and I'm not the smartest.
I guess I'm just sort of a regular kid.
So, am I in trouble?
No, but listen...
we may not know what you're good at yet
but we'll find something, okay?
Good luck.
In the meantime,
help me out by staying off the flagpole.
(ANNOUNCEMENT OVER LOUDSPEAKER)
Coach Tugnut to the office for a phone call.
Coach Tugnut to the office.
Ren Stevens to the office for a brain scan.
Ren Stevens to the office...
Ignore that. Ignore that.
LOUIS: You hear that?
I fall off a flagpole
and she's worried about her stupid election.
- (ELECTRICITY ZAPPING) - Oh!
(SCREAMS) I'm out of here.
- I can't deal with this anymore. - Hold on, scaredy-pants.
Just let him go.
IRENE: Sorry about that.
- I got distracted by your story. - (GROANS)
See, I know all about little brothers.
Had one myself. Marty.
I don't miss him.
Yeah, isn't it the worst?
Worse than the worst.
Marty was an obnoxious, annoying little worm.
Climbed a few flagpoles in his day, too.
I don't know why he did that.
Yeah. Louis, what were you thinking?
Well, right before I was about to hit the ground
I was thinking, "There must be better ways to make friends."
Hey.
I like your look.
It's very, uh... uh... black.
An explanation of my fashion choices would be wasted on you
since I'm sure your mommy still
picks out your clothes.
My mother is dead.
Oh, my gosh. I am so sorry.
(CHUCKLES) I'm just kidding.
Actually...
she does buy my clothes.
Unfortunately, she's blind.
Let me guess... just kidding?
Bingo.
Do I have food on my face?
Is that supposed to be funny?
- No. - LARRY BEALE: Yo, Stevens!
What's his first name?
Uh... sorry. Popularity calls.
But you should know...
The meaner you are to me,
the more I like you.
Scary, isn't it?
Get ready.
Dude, I have to ask you a question.
How do you like the...
What is that? Squash?
As, uh... Policy Monitor, I need to know.
Oh, this?
It's really bad.
Just the smell alone makes you want to throw up.
(GUYS LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Thanks for your honesty.
This weekend, Ivan and I are planning
to go put on our lederhosen
and hang out at the South Creek Mall.
You want to come with us?
Lederhosen?
Aren't those, like, leather pants?
Shorts.
You're kidding, right?
Why on earth would I do that?
LARRY: You're sure, now?
What do I look like? An idiot?
I'd walk around South Creek Mall naked
before I'd do that.
Okay, then. Bye.
But if you guys want to go to the laser tag place,
catch a bite, you know...
Hey, hey. Seriously, take off.
Boys, we have one hour to edit this tape.
Let's do it.
What were you thinking? You can't trust Larry Beale.
I was young and impressionable.
- It gets worse, believe me. - Worse?
- (CAWING) - Oh, no, Tweety Bird!
You're not getting this!
TEEN: Hey, lady, when are we getting off this thing?!
Stick a tamale in it!
We're in the middle of a story here!
What happened next, sweetheart?
Okay, so we're in the middle of our video presentations, and...
Ren Stevens says yes to nutritious lunches because
she believes a healthy student is a happy student.
(CHUCKLES)
So, this Friday, vote Ren Stevens
because it's the right thing to do.
Policy Monitor is a job that I've been
groomed for.
You know who I am, Larry Beale.
So, I ask you, who's Ren Stevens?
That's what I wanted to know, so I asked the person
who would know Ren best, her own brother Louis Stevens.
You live in the very same house as Ren.
Can you tell us what it's like?
It's really bad.
Just the smell alone makes you want to throw up.
(CLASS LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
So, are you going to vote for her?
You're kidding, right?
Why on earth would I do that?
You feel that strongly?
What do I look like? An idiot?
I'd walk around South Creek Mall naked
before I'd do that.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
IRENE: So, there I am,
blowing my heart out, and I realize
Marty put soap bubbles in my tuba.
Well, needless to say, that was the end of marching band for me.
This is amazing.
It's like we've lived the same life.
You know, this is great to see that you two are bonding
but aren't you supposed to be fixing something
like... like the, uh... the Ferris wheel?!
- Don't rush me, Marty. - I'm not Marty.
Yeah, from what I hear, you're just as bad.
What, you don't think I feel bad
about messing up Ren's video presentation?
- REN: No. - IRENE: No.
Well, I did.
REN: It was Sir Francis Bacon who said that knowledge is power
and if that's true, than we students
are losing more and more of our power every day.
Lou, you doing okay?
I'm concerned for you.
Who, me? I'm fine.
Well, I just noticed that you don't seem
to be liking school that much.
- Uh-huh. - See, I was thinking
that maybe you should start your day the way that I do.
How's that?
I make a shake.
It's a mixture of bee pollen, protein powder and feta cheese.
REN: losing more and more of our power every day.
You know, that sounds really interesting, Donnie,
but, uh, I got a bit of a situation here.
Can we talk about your shake and your feta cheese tomorrow?
Hey, no problem, little bro.
(DONNIE WHISTLING)
REN: So, sit back and relax,
because for the next two hours,
I want to outline my plan to improve our learning experience.
Two hours? Oi.
REN: As you see here, the red shaded area
represents the number...
Yes?
Listen, Ren, it's me. I had a couple ideas for your speech.
No, thank you.
My speech is just fine without all your precious help.
Okay, sometimes facts and figures can be boring.
Are you out there eavesdropping?
No. I'm helping Donnie
- with his... face. - Good night.
(KNOCKING)
Ren?
Beale's a dirty player. You have to nail him.
Good night.
REN: If you'll turn your attention to the chart,
this red area represents...
The number of kids that have fallen asleep
since this speech began.
REN: Louis!
I'd like to talk about the cafeteria food
and the ill effects of poor nutrition.
(LOUIS SIGHS)
Louis, I don't get it.
Wrench.
Your sister wanted to kill you
and you still wanted to help her.
Pliers.
Why would you suddenly care?
Well... because of what happened at dinner that night.
This morning,
my wife said, "Honey, can I go to a place I haven't been?"
So, I said, "Why don't you try the kitchen."
EILEEN: Okay.
Would anyone else like to share part of their day?
- Benched 235 today. - EILEEN: Oh, honey, that's wonderful.
STEVE: Hey, good news, son.
We're all very proud.
Reread the chapter on goal setting.
EILEEN: Ren? How did your video presentation go?
LOUIS: Goal setting...
I haven't read that far.
I'm still on the table of contents. It's good, though.
Okay.
Did something happen today we should know about?
No. (LAUGHING)
No. Everything's just fine.
But I'm really going to have to nail my speech tomorrow
if I'm going to win this thing.
May I be excused?
So, you didn't squeal, huh?
Well, he's still my brother.
Yeah, I guess Marty's still my brother.
Although I haven't spoken to him in 17 years.
Wow, that must really hurt.
This is really touching but I got to get down now,
because we've been up here
for, what, two hours?
Two hours now, and I've drank 13 sodas.
You do the math.
He's got a tiny tank.
No problem. It's all fixed. All I got to do is turn on the juice.
Then crank it up.
Not until I hear the end of the story.
Tell her, Marty, so we can get down.
So, I wasn't sure who to ask for help.
Hey, Wednesday Addams. How's it going?
My name is Tawny, okay?
Pleasure to meet you. I am...
Yeah, I know who you are. Everyone knows.
Really?
Yeah.
You're Ren's kid brother.
Oh.
Listen, I know. We barely know each other
but my mom and I were talking about you
a few nights ago.
She says that you like me.
Yeah, right.
Well, I know, I told her how you gave me mean looks
and how you try to avoid me, and she said
that's just what girls do sometimes.
So, Mom was wrong, huh?
Very.
Okay, so I'm a dork. That's okay.
Look, my sister's in way over her head
and I just, you know,
wanted to know if you would help me.
As a friend.
(CHEERING)
LARRY: I was, uh...
Policy Monitor last year,
so I know what you guys want.
On the other hand, Ren Stevens is very inexperienced.
Knowing her, she's going to get up here,
and bore you with some facts about nutrition.
Whatever.
So, I ask you this question:
Who would you rather get stuck in an elevator with?
Larry Beale?
Or Ren Stevens?
Uh, you're the teleprompter guy, right?
Uh, yeah.
I'm president of the AV Club
and head of Mr. Beale's PR Department.
Oh. You're kind of cute, for an AV dude.
Yeah, I know.
I'm the only one fully trained on this teleprompter.
Oh.
TOM GRIBALSKI: This right here is the Sosna XL-50.
Dual-port feeding system
and a sweet little speed-tracking linkage.
Really? Huh.
Yeah, I just love technology.
Well, it's the XL-50.
There's a lot to love.
You bet.
Hey, let me know if I can set up your VCR... whatever.
Okay.
(CHEERING)
How did you know about my speech?
Yo. I went to math camp with the AV guy.
He let me read it.
WEXLER: That was Larry Beale.
Okay, and without further ado, Mr. Beale's opponent,
Ren Stevens.
(APPLAUSE)
(NERVOUS LAUGHING)
Thank you. Thank you.
(NERVOUS LAUGHING)
It was Sir Francis Bacon who said that knowledge
is the ultimate power
but Bacon never experienced the power
of Larry Beale's body odor.
(LAUGHTER)
Keep reading.
(NERVOUS LAUGHING)
It... it's true.
In fact, last week a realtor
told Larry's parents that his B.O. was so bad
it was affecting the resale value of their house.
(LAUGHTER)
But it's really not my style to personally attack my opponent,
so, if you'll turn your attention
to the easel at my right, I'd like to talk
about the cafeteria food, and the ill effects
of poor nutrition.
(LAUGHING)
Larry Beale's G.P.A. has been dropping
well, since the third grade.
(LAUGHING)
Question: Do I want
an irresponsible Student Policy Monitor?
(CHEERING)
I didn't think so.
(SNIFFLING) That was a beautiful story.
Yeah, whatever. It was nice meeting you.
It makes me feel like calling Marty.
Reach out.
Seventeen years is too long.
Don't let another second pass you by.
Yeah, you're right.
Marty!
Wait a second. Your brother's down there?
Yeah, he runs the petting zoo.
You guys have been working side-by-side for 17 years
and never said two words to each other?
Hey, I don't comment on your freaky life.
MARTY: Sorry about the tuba, Irene!
I forgive you, Marty!
I'm coming down.
- No, no, no, wait. Turn on the juice. - Turn on the juice!
- Turn it on!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)