(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
Before we start our lesson
let's first take our daily cleansing breaths.
In with the good... (INHALES)
And... (EXHALES)
Out with the bad...
In with the good... (STUDENTS INHALING)
Out with the bad.
You're late, Louis.
Did I miss that whole breathing exercise?
I think I caught some air on the way in.
Just sit down, man.
All right.
Groovy.
Check this out.
TEACHER: All right, Louis.
I can see that you're wound up about something.
Why don't you share with the rest of the class.
Thanks, Todd. I will.
Now, I just want you all to be the first to know...
I, Louis Stevens will be entering my film
in the Sacramento Young People's Film Festival.
And after I win first place in the festival,
and get my million-dollar movie deal,
I will, sadly, be moving to Beverly Hills
to a sprawling ranch house.
Okay, that's cool. You've shared enough.
I'm going to need a limo driver
- a gardener... - Louis...
a personal chef.
Louis, sit your heinie down.
Now.
Production meeting, my room, 3:00, okay?
In with the good...
Madame Editor, your goddess of gossip reporting with this week's column.
Okay, Ruby, how many times did I tell you
that it's not gossip;
it's just, you know the filtering of news and information
vital to the social and psychological well-being
of our entire student body.
Now dish me the dirt.
Check out the Breakups and Make-ups column.
Heavy turnover.
Oh!
Joel Rosen and Mary Matthews are over again?
Third time this month.
That's bad. That's just bad...
Baseball team... 6:00.
Inseparable as always.
Oh, there's Bobby Deaver... oh.
(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS)
Oh... he is... so cute,
I mean... just look at his hair...
it's like... It's perfect.
Mmm! He is so fine.
You are so crushing on him.
You're right. I'm crushing major.
But that doesn't mean you have to tell anybody, all right?
(SIGHING) Look at his walk.
He's so cool.
(BOTH GIRLS LAUGHING)
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Hey, Ren.
- (LOW-PITCHED VOICE) Uh, hey, Ren. - Hi, Alvin.
It's Ivan.
(SIGHING)
So, what are you going to do about you and Bobby?
I don't know... 'cause... I haven't even spoken to him.
Well, what are you waiting for?
You're right.
You know what? You are right. I'm going to talk to him today.
Oh, I'm dying.
What are you going to say to him?
- Oh, gosh. I don't know. - Ren, you don't just walk up
to a guy you're crushing on and start talking.
I mean, what if nothing comes out?
The first impression
is the most crucial point in your relationship...
Oh, wait, wait, honey. Relationship?
We are not at that point yet.
I knew this girl, Vicky, who had a crush on this guy, Matt.
So, Vicky finds out Matt is crushing on her, too.
But when Matt goes to talk to her she had ink smeared on her face
'cause she's a pen-biter... she's nervous like that.
From that day on, Matt could only think of Vicky as the girl with blue lips.
Well... I don't bite my pens.
I'm just saying that when you talk to Bobby,
everything has to be perfect.
You should write down everything you want to say to him.
That way, you have total control over your destiny.
Total control. I like that.
But you absolutely have to let me read it first.
Do you totally promise?
- Oh, I totally do. - (BOTH LAUGH)
LOUIS: Friends, we are about to embark
on the magical journey of moviemaking.
Uh, Louis, there's the volume, it's...
Right. Oh, um...
Do you realize what being in this movie means?
LOUIS: You'll walk in as nobodies
but you'll walk out as stars.
- (PANTING) We're going to be stars? - Yeah, everyone except you, Tom.
Oh.
- You're going to be my assistant. - Awesome.
Louis, I haven't seen you this excited
since you learned to shoot milk out your nose.
That was big, but this is bigger.
Louis, I think I may have found my thing.
Your thing?
Everybody's got their thing: Twitty has his music,
you have your poetry,
Tom's got... his parents.
But we only have a week to shoot this, you know?
- To make the deadline. - Okay, so what's your movie about?
Um, it's the...
classic love story
about... an alien... that's you, Tawny...
and a cowboy... that's you, Twitty.
Could the cowboy have sideburns?
Uh, I don't see what's wrong with sideburns, yeah.
- LOUIS: We're collaborating, see? - Yeah? All right.
I'll see you on set, okay?
TAWNY: Wait, wait, Louis.
So, does the cowboy go to outer space with the aliens?
Or does the alien work on the cattle ranch
with the handsome side-burned cowboy?
Guys, please... please, okay?
It'll all make sense when we're filming, okay?
I see stars.
Why do only two of my eyes need glasses?
Tom?
Do we have any three-eyed glasses?
TOM: Negatory.
A superior life form like yourself doesn't need glasses, okay?
Twitty, can I talk to you?
Tom, can you take these? Thank you.
I have to talk to you about the scene where you meet the...
You have something growing on your face.
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Oh, these things?
These are my muttonchops, old chap. Do you like them?
You look like the Wolfman.
All right, I do, cheerio, okay.
Wait. What's with the English accent?
Oh, I thought the cowboy should be from England...
- No... - You know, Western... England.
Okay, that's not in the script.
What script?
You guys...
Tom, Tom, did you give them the scripts?
Tom, give the actors their scripts, please.
Look at them for a second, then I want to shoot, okay?
- This is only one page. - Yeah, where's the rest of it?
We're only shooting scene 27 today.
You see, we shoot out of order. It's called filmmaking.
All right then, Governor... shall we have a go at it?
I'm thinking that's a good idea. Let's do it.
You know, I'm a master of accents myself.
Did I ever mention it's always been my dream
to be in front of the camera?
Yeah, that's great, Tom. Can you get me some water?
(FRENCH ACCENT) Oui, monsieur, right away! Hon-hon-ha!
LOUIS: Okay, let's shoot this baby.
Okay? Yes?
W-Whoa... shouldn't we, like, rehearse this first or something?
Let's just shoot it, okay?
All that script said was...
"The spaceship lands and the alien looks around."
That's right... you're confused and frustrated.
Did you read it? Okay.
Now let's go... and action!
This is ridiculous.
I don't know where I am.
- I don't know what I'm doing. - Cut!
Genius! That is genius!
Right on the money, baby, right on the money.
- Okay, we're moving on. - Louis!
Sorry, we have to move on to scene 37.
LOUIS: Tom, where's my chair?
"Bobby Deaver. Possible icebreakers:"
(DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS)
Hi, Bobby.
No, no, no.
- (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS) - Hey, Bobby... nice belt.
(SIGHS)
REN: No! No, no, no.
No, no.
- (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS) - Hi, Bobby.
Oh, I wouldn't try that Salisbury steak if I were you.
I'm... stupid. Just... oh!
- (DREAMY MUSIC PLAYS) - Hi, Bobby. I have a big crush on you
and I just wanted to let you know how I feel.
Ren Stevens.
I like it.
I... I love it.
LOUIS: Action.
(WESTERN THEME PLAYS)
Hi, cowboy.
Howdy.
Cut.
What are you doing?
You're supposed to say hello.
I did.
No, no, you said "hi," okay?
LOUIS: An alien would never say "hi." Let's do it again.
LOUIS: Action!
TAWNY: Hello, cowboy.
(REN SIGHS)
Uh! Eww!
Eww! Ugh!
So...
So, this is Texas.
Yup. I mean, uh...
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Right, right, it jolly well is, eh?
What is this disgusting slime doing in the refrigerator?
LOUIS: Cut!
LOUIS: That's not slime; it's radioactive plasma.
LOUIS: Tom?
It's disgusting...
Louis, can we... can we just shoot this thing here?
I'm ready for my close-up, okay?
What's that in your mouth, huh?
Oh, you mean this... this, right here?
Oh, I just thought, you know my character would be more mysterious
- with a gold tooth. - (CHUCKLES) Tom, rip it out of his face.
(GERMAN ACCENT) Ja'whol! Give me zat tooth!
People, this is not a democracy!
This... is a movie, it's my movie,
which I will not let you mess up!
Now go outside and I'll meet you out there, okay?
Louis, will you just chill out?
You're going to get another nosebleed.
Tom, keep her off my set!
Ooh... (WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS)
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Where's me alien lady friend?
Louis, what is this, man?
I mean, where's the rest of the saloon?
Cut.
Twitty, it's a close-up. No one's going to see the saloon.
Now, let's just try it again; give me a little more.
More what?
Just more.
Oh, Louis wants a little more, okay.
(WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS)
LOUIS: Tissues!
LOUIS: Okay, ready?
Action.
- (LAWNMOWER BUZZING) - Where's me alie...
Hold it... cut! What is that?
What is the noise?
Who mows their lawn on Wednesday?
Does anyone want me to make this movie?
Tom!
What is this?
TAWNY: It's official...
Louis is... totally out of control.
Is the world against me?
Ren, that stuff you wrote for Bobby Deaver...
I'm dying.
Oh, man...
Well, I said way too much and it needs a lot of work.
If he ever read that, I would be so embarrassed.
- But I already gave it to him. - What?!
Wha... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
You... you... Okay, all right.
I was just writing that stuff so I could make a really good
first impression.
RUBY: Oh, no!
This is just like the time Wendy passed...
No, no, no, no! Listen, no stories!
I cannot believe that you... you... you gave it to him?
I didn't give it to him. I put it in his book.
He'll find it tomorrow, third period, page 427
right about when we get to the outbreak of the Civil War.
What if he reads it?
Why would he? No one reads ahead.
I do.
We have got to get that note back.
LOUIS: Okay, people let's do this, okay?
LOUIS: Now, this is the touching scene
where the alien and the cowboy say farewell
in the middle of a harsh winter blizzard. Yeah.
- Tom, you got the snowflakes? - Ta-da!
LOUIS: Tom, you chowderhead!
I asked for snowflakes, not doilies.
Well, sorry, but you said snowflakes
and this is the way Miss Wimmer taught us to make snowflakes
in the first grade.
Oh, yeah, you guys remember Wimmer?
She also taught us how to make those little paper chains...
Guys, you see this face?
Don't ever make me make this face again!
LOUIS: And forget the blizzard, okay?
Now, it's a blazing desert windstorm.
In the middle of fall.
Yeah, that'll work. Okay, now...
you go up in your spaceship, and you try to stop her. Okay?
Where is the spaceship?
Up there right above your head.
How am I supposed to get up there?
Tom!
That's why you're wearing a harness.
LOUIS: Let's go!
Is this safe?
Of course it's safe.
I had Tom test it on a sack of potatoes.
Yeah, a 20-pounder.
A sack of potatoes?
TAWNY: Louis!
Can you stop questioning everything I do?
This is the most important scene in my movie. And action!
(GRUNTING)
Good-bye, cowboy. I cannot stay.
They need me back on Planet Zorton.
- TWITTY: Farewell, Zenobia. - (ROPE CREAKING)
You've taught me so much
but yet... so little.
- Goodbye, my love. - (ROPE CREAKING)
Farewell to my love...
- (SNAPS) - (SCREAMING)
Cut!
Oh!
Oh, my gosh! Are you guys all right?
Yeah, but my leg hurts a little bit.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
- But you guys are okay, right? - Well, basically.
Great. So, we'll take five, and we'll go again.
I'm not going back up there.
Why? Tom will be more careful this time, right?
Louis, that's it.
You don't even care what happens to us.
I'm not doing your stupid movie anymore. I quit.
(ENGLISH ACCENT) Yeah, me, too, partner.
Go find yourself some other English cowboy to boss around.
(SNICKERS) You guys think you aren't replaceable?
Tom, my man, huh?
Here it is, your time to shine.
You're only nice to me when you want something.
Yeah, so?
Hey, I'll even let you do those accents.
Okay... here's one.
(ITALIAN ACCENT) If you don't mind
I'm going to make like a Tom... and Cruise.
Oh, yeah? That's fine. I don't need you guys anyway.
I can finish the movie by myself.
It's my thing.
REN: Um...
I'm sorry, little three-eyed girl
but do you know where my brother is?
You know, Ren, I'd laugh except, um my alien brassiere is killing me.
(LAUGHS)
Why don't you be quiet and let me get back to my movie, okay?
Oh.
Wait a second.
Where's your cast?
LOUIS: They all quit on me.
Bunch of amateurs.
Hey, they're your best friends.
No, not anymore.
I mean, it doesn't matter anyways.
I can shoot this whole romantic farewell scene by myself.
So, you're just going to kiss yourself good-bye?
Yeah, basically.
I mean, if I shoot the right angle
and disguise my face and my voice,
I mean, nobody will be able to tell it's me.
It's called "movie magic."
No, no, no. That is called "creepy behavior."
Why don't you just apologize to your little friends
and just finish your movie the right way?
Ren, what planet are you from?
Okay, that's it. I'm going to have to turn the sprinkler on you again.
(CHUCKLES)
TODD: We stretch for... knowledge
we stretch for...
focus...
I really need to get that note from Bobby's book.
It's in his bag.
TODD: we stretch for concentration.
And again, we stretch for... knowledge...
we stretch for... focus,
we stretch for concentration.
Ren, is there a problem?
No. You see, Todd,
while all of us were stretching for knowledge,
I was squatting for truth.
What a great idea, Ren!
Why don't we all squat for truth?
Up, up, up.
And one...
and two and three.
Now, that we've all opened our chakras,
let's open our books to page 427
and begin our discussion on the Civil War.
No!
Ren, something wrong?
Yes, I don't think that we should move ahead
until all of us are clear on the events
that led to the outbreak of the Civil War.
Is everyone clear?
ALL: Yes.
Okay, moving on.
Page 427.
Ruby, I thought that you put the note in his book.
I did. I don't know what happened to it.
- Sorry, man. - Oh, it's no problem.
I did. I don't know what happened to it.
Ren.
I have to talk to you.
Okay.
Okay. What's up?
Ren, it has to end.
What does?
You know what I'm talking about.
The looks in the hall,
the flinging of mash potatoes.
Love notes.
Oh.
Ren, it's getting a little bit too intense.
Ren, I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy.
I believe in courtship and romance.
Ivan, I...
Please, Ren, just don't speak.
I'm going to walk away now.
Try not to watch me.
I'm okay.
Hi, Louis Stevens, director of Three Eyes Wide Shut.
Hey, let's do lunch sometime, huh?
Hey, have your people call my people.
Hey, yada-yada-yada. Let's just talk about something, huh?
TAWNY: Louis.
You guys, you came. Thanks.
TWITTY: You're surprised?
I mean, you left us 17 messages.
My mom says you're not allowed to call anymore.
I'm really sorry, guys.
And after I finished the movie,
I realized I was kind of...
Acting like a jerk?
Right, right.
Louis, I'm willing to put the snowflake incident behind us.
Same here.
Group hug?
No, I'm good. You good?
- Yeah, I'm fine. - Okay.
No, but I'm really glad you guys came.
- Enjoy the movie, okay? - Okay.
Louis, aren't you going to go inside?
No, I'm nervous. I'm going to hang around.
ANNOUNCER: And now our final film, Three Eyes Wide Shut
directed by Louis Stevens.
(ROARS)
(WESTERN THEME PLAYS)
So, this is Texas?
Yep. I mean, it jolly well is, then.
(LAUGHING)
GIRL: What's going on here?
This movie's getting weird.
COWBOY: Farewell, Zenobia.
(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Bye, my English cowboy.
It was fun while it lasted.
BOY: Hey, that's the same guy.
Oh, gross! He's not kissing anybody!
- He's kissing himself! - (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Uh, Louis...
we can kind of see you there.
Yeah, I was trying to blend in.
- My movie reeked. - Dude, give yourself a break.
Man, I mean, you got into the festival, didn't you?
And they only took the top ten entries.
Everyone got accepted. There was only nine entries.
Oh, well, hey, good sideburns.
That wasn't really the point of my movie.
I don't think anybody got what I was trying to say.
Everybody was into it, you know
but then the ending kind of threw them off
'cause they saw you trying to play all the parts.
Yeah, you should never wear a dress.
Well, at least not that color.
(CAR HORN HONKS)
There's my mom
and she doesn't like to honk more than once, so...
- All right. See you, man. - Later.
Hey. Ah, you're still here?
Yeah, I thought you left in the middle or something.
I was just thinking about the movie.
Louis, it had a great message.
It's about feeling like an outsider
and wanting to be accepted by your peers.
Yeah. You got that?
Totally.
TAWNY: And when that third eye cried,
I cried.
(CHUCKLES)
Can we watch it again?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, can I ask you something?
Did my thighs look too fat in a dress, huh?
(SNICKERS)
They look... they looked muscular.
LOUIS: Muscular?
TAWNY: I liked it even better the second time.
LOUIS: Wait till you see the outtakes.
LOUIS: And action.
(LAUGHING)
- What's life like out there? You know... - Uh-oh.
With the...
(LAUGHS) Jeez! My bad. I'm sorry.
(SWEDISH ACCENT) My name is Serge; I am from Sweden.
I can see pretty good with this thing.
How does it look on me?
That Louis thinks he's so cool.
Big-shot director.
I'll show him.
I'm going to be a big star some day
and he'll be sorry he ever messed with Tom Gribalski.
LOUIS: (SHOUTS) Tom!
Coming!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)