(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
Happy Father's Day!
- Thanks, son. - Yeah.
Lou... today's not Father's Day.
Sure it is.
Every day's Father's Day, Dad,
when you have the perfect Daddy, Daddy.
Yeah.
Daddy? Papa?
Dad, seriously, can I talk to you real fast?
All right, what do you want this time?
Action figures, video games,
night-vision goggles?
I can have night-vision goggles?
I'm sorry.
Focus.
Taste this.
Go ahead.
(SLURPING)
Now, I dare you to admit that's not the best sludgie you've ever tasted.
Pretty good.
Pretty... pretty good?
It's amazing.
It's the perfect blend of velvety crushed ice particles
and chemically enhanced cherry flavors.
Louis...
Dad, shh. Slurp up, 'cause this stuff...
this stuff will turn your teeth red for a week.
Just get to the part where I say no.
Okay, can I tell you a story first?
- Yeah. - Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT) You know Ronnie's Mini-Mart,
down on Fourth Street?
The one with the big sludgie machine?
Yeah.
Yeah, well, it got closed down the other day.
Oh, that's awful.
It's terrible.
That sludgie machine shouldn't be
sitting in some junkyard, rusting away.
It should be in my room
providing me with satisfying, icy beverages around the clock.
So, you want to buy a sludgie machine?
Want? No.
Need.
See, this is what brings me to my next point.
If we don't move fast, some other kid will get it.
Some bad kid.
That's quite a story, Lou.
Now I'm going to tell you one.
A story about little Stevie Stevens
and his pogo stick, Mr. Hoppy.
Yes, Louis?
Do you mind if I take a seat?
- You may. - Thank you.
Now, when I was growing up
all the kids in my neighborhood had pogo sticks,
except me.
When I asked my dad if he would buy me one, he said,
"Son, I think the time has come for you to get a job."
So, I mowed lawns all summer long.
I can't tell you how rewarding it was
to hop around on Mr. Hoppy,
knowing I'd paid for him with my own hard-earned dollars.
So, Louis, have you learned anything from my Mr. Hoppy story?
I'm sorry, I drifted off somewhere in the middle.
Where did we land on the sludgie thing?
Louis... get a job.
How am I supposed to do that?
I don't know. Ask Ren.
She does volunteer work for that new website
that helps teenagers find jobs.
What doesn't that girl do?
Okay.
Dearborn,
report to the Kiddie-Foto at 4:00.
Oh, wait. Don't forget your clown nose.
Cunningham.
Candy counter, Multiplex.
And here's a tip.
Extra salt on the popcorn. They'll buy more drinks.
(REN CHUCKLES)
Kaiser, repeat after me.
"Paper or plastic?"
I'll take this.
So, do they have a good dental plan?
Give me that. Thank you.
Good luck.
Hey, Ren.
I'm here for one of those teen job thingies.
I need money really bad.
For what? This is something really stupid, I'll bet.
Uh, no... something really not stupid, actually.
A sludgie machine for my room.
Louis, I don't think stupid means what you think it means.
Seriously, can you just look for a job, please?
Okay, okay.
But I need to ask you a couple of questions first.
Okay... Now, what is your career goal?
I want to be one of those guys that rides a motorcycle
in the "Globe of Doom" at that Vegas show.
I knew that, actually.
Okay.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
I'm hoping to move to Donnie's room.
Oh.
And which famous figure do you most respect?
Um...
Oh, you know that guy at the donut store
with that claw hand
who picks those donuts up right out of that grease
like it's magic?
Okay.
Donut guy.
This should be interesting.
Oh, well, we found something.
How would you feel about a job in mass mail marketing?
It sounds important.
Hey, Donnie!
Look!
I found Mr. Hoppy.
Cool, can I try?
- No. - Oh.
Hey, guess what else I found?
The old birdhouse we were working on.
- Oh, Feather-Feather Land! - Yeah.
I was, like, ten years old when we started doing this.
- Right. - How come we never finished this?
I don't know.
That's very un-Stevens-like.
Hey, Donnie, what do you say?
Your Mom's in D.C.
Let's make it a father-son project.
That would be fun.
Hey, let's start right now.
Give me five more minutes on Mr. Hoppy.
Sorry, I only have so much spit.
So you're just going to quit after one day?
Ren, I'll do anything as long as it doesn't involve licking.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Oh, wait... here's something.
But that involves some light licking.
- Look again. - Okay.
Wait, here's something.
How do you feel about journalism?
I'm on it, sister.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(CAT YOWLING)
(MAN GRUNTS)
(YELLING)
Louis, what did you do out there this morning?
That is the most complaints I've ever gotten.
It doesn't matter. It was yesterday's paper anyways.
So, what else you got on there?
Okay, this is your last chance, okay?
Even a total numskull could do this job.
I'm your man.
You made a customer cry!
He made me cry first.
Louis, that is it.
- You blew it. No more jobs. - No, Ren.
If you don't help me, I'm never gonna get my sludgie machine.
Well, let me put it to you this way.
(SLAMS)
Hey, buddy.
Can I call you Rex, huh?
- (BARKS) - I... I'm, uh...
I meant Princess.
Princess, right?
(WHINES SOFTLY)
I'm just not one of those job people you hear so much about, you know?
(WOOFS SOFTLY)
Oh, good.
You're nice, pooch man.
You're a very nice guy.
I could hang out with you all day.
Yeah.
Yeah... I should hang out with you all day.
That's what I should do.
You're my ticket to sludgeville, Princess.
You like sludgies, huh?
Oh.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Hi, can I help you?
I'm here to drop off my little Poopsie.
I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong house.
Hi, Mrs. Walters?
I'm Louis Stevens. We spoke on the phone.
This must be Poopsie.
What a pretty little girl.
Poopsie is a boy.
Right.
And that bow, it's very manly.
Hmm, well, okay.
Bye-bye, my precious. (KISSING)
Please, call me Louis.
It would be better.
(REN CHUCKLES)
So, this is your new job, huh?
Dog-sitting for this pooch?
No.
LOUIS: All these pooches.
Louis, are you crazy?
Crazy for canines.
Don't you get it?
The more dogs I take care of, the faster I can get my money.
The faster I can get my money,
the quicker I can get my sludgie machine.
You can't even lick an envelope.
How are you supposed to handle all these dogs?
LOUIS: With love, discipline
and a pocket full of cocktail weenies.
(SCOFFS)
There you go, Thor.
Okay, it looks like we take bolt "M" and wing nut seven
and attach slate "D" to side 4J.
That's impossible.
Oh.
I had it upside down.
Okay, it's not bolt "M," it's bolt "W."
Forget the bolt. I can't even find the slat.
Here, Dad, hand me the screwdriver.
Donnie, a screwdriver is not a toy, okay?
Dad, I'm not ten years old anymore.
You know what?
Why don't we just skip this step?
We're not gonna skip this step
because if we skip this step, we'll mess up the whole thing
and that'll ruin all the fun we're having.
Right. Fun.
I'll find the problem. Here.
Oh, I think I got it.
Great, what is it?
These are the operating instructions for the garage door opener.
No way.
Didn't you find it odd
that a birdhouse would have a remote control?
You're right. Nothing.
Okay, turn your cards over.
I'll help you.
- Full house. - (BARKS)
Four of a kind.
Royal flush, hmm.
Hey, pair of twos. I win again.
- Sorry. - (DOG GROWLS)
Hey, we can go back to Pictionary if you want.
Well, I see that you have everything here under control.
Yeah, I'm up 20 Liver Chomps.
Here, you've been a good girl. You can have one.
(BARKING)
You know, Poopsie's looking a little antsy.
Have you taken these dogs for a W-A-L-K?
(ALL DOGS START BARKING)
Why did you have to remind them?
(BREATHLESSLY) Okay, it's quiet time.
Over there... find a comfy spot
and I'll put... the tape in.
(PANTING)
It's called Milo and Otis.
It's the heartwarming story about a dog and a cat
who become friends for life.
- (BARKS) - What? It could happen.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Good dogs.
Watch the movie.
(WHINING SOFTLY)
This is my sandwich. You guys already ate.
(WHIMPERING)
Can I do one lousy shutter, Dad?
You've done every one so far.
All right, but be careful.
All right.
Come on, Dad, you're making me nervous
- hovering over me like that. - I'm not hovering.
I'm overseeing... at a close distance.
All right, careful.
Now watch it.
I said, be careful, Donnie!
You know what, Dad? It is your fault.
This is why we never finished this thing the first time
because you're always criticizing me.
No, this is your fault. We didn't finish it the first time
because you don't know how to work in an organized manner.
You want organized, Dad?
Fine. Since this perch is broken off
how about this one, too, to make it match?
With that logic, one shutter down, why not keep it even?
Well, why six flags? Isn't that overkill?
How about five?
How about four, or three, or two?
What's with the "Vacancy" sign, Dad?
Birds can't read.
Yeah. What's up with that anyway?
Why don't we give the birds a skylight, huh?
(LAUGHING)
You know what, son?
You know what this place needs?
Some very serious remodeling.
How about a sunken living room?
You got it, son.
(YELLING AND POUNDING)
(WHIMPERING)
Shh. Hey, pipe down.
It's the part where Milo gets lost.
(ALL BARKING)
Ohh! Good smash, son!
- Woah! - Woah!
Nice chopping, Dad.
There goes Wing Nut "W."
I told you I could follow directions.
- Yep. - (BOTH YELLING)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Ready for the power tools?
- Let's fire 'em up, Dad. - You got it, son.
- (JACKHAMMER CLATTERING) - Woah!
(WHIMPERING)
Come back. You'll miss the part where Milo has kittens.
(BARKING)
(SNARLING)
(BARKING)
(WHIMPERING)
(BARKING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(BARKING)
- (LOUD CLATTERING) - (YELLING)
Woo!
- Woo! - Yeah.
Good job, Dad.
You know, In the beginning I was worried you and I weren't a good team.
We just needed the right project.
I like the fact that we work together,
father and son, for a common goal.
- I just like smashing things. - (BOTH LAUGH)
You know, I really hate that old patio furniture.
- It's history! - Woo!
Come on!
(BOTH SHOUTING)
Now, we're not going to have another outburst like we just had.
Look at this mess.
(WHIMPERING)
So, until your masters arrive,
we're gonna sit and think about what we just did.
Especially in Ren's shoe.
And you know who you are.
(WHIMPERING)
There you go.
Here you go.
You got her? Okay.
Bye. Bye, Pixie.
Thanks.
Bye, Hogan.
There you go.
Thank you, Mr. Freeman. He was very good.
Thank you.
And, Thor, work on that poker face, huh?
- (BARKS LOUDLY) - Sore loser.
Nice dog.
Bye, guys.
Bye.
Well, that's the last of them.
Well, I hate to admit it, but I think you did a pretty good job,
except for the massive destruction of our house.
I told you I didn't need your help.
That's right, you didn't.
'Cause you are such a good boy.
- Yes, you are. - Stop it.
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Didn't we give... all the dogs?
What?
Yes, I'm here to pick up my little Poopsie.
Poopsie is probably with my assistant getting groomed right now
but, yeah, please come in. I'm sorry.
Wait in my waiting room.
All right, but I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Oh, yeah.
And I'll go check on Poopsie, okay?
Ren, Poopsie's missing. What are we going to do?
- We? - Yes, Ren.
Please. Can you please help me?
Didn't you recently tell me that you didn't need my help?
Ren that was so two minutes ago.
I mean, things have changed.
WOMAN: Is this going to take long?
Ren, you're right. I'm never gonna amount to anything.
(SNIFFLING)
I'm going to be in a circus
known as the "The Boy Who Can't Do Anything."
"Step right up, just don't expect much."
Give me a break.
All right, name your price.
Two months of dishes.
One month of dishes and no live spiders in your bed.
Make that no dead spiders either and you have yourself a deal.
You go find Poopsie and I'll take care of Ms. Walters, okay?
Louis.
Oh.
I can do it better with one.
Mm-hmm.
Louis!
(TROMBONE BLARING OFF-KEY)
Maybe we should go back to juggling.
There you are, Poopsie.
And do-si-do and left and right.
Then you go like this
- (LAUGHING) - Go like this...
-Then it's left and right, left and right -(LAUGHING)
Enough already. Where's my Poopsie?
Uh, Poopsie's right... right upstairs and...
The truth is, Mrs. Walters, is that Poopsie is...
Clean and shiny and ready to go.
Oh, my Poopsie!
Aw! (CHUCKLES)
Did you miss Mommy? Mommy missed you.
Yes, she did.
(KISSING)
I wuv you.
I'm proud of you, son.
You've learned the value of a buck.
Yeah, but it was hard.
Well, that's why they call it work.
Well, at least now you'll have enough money
to get your sludgie machine.
Sludgie machine? Are you joking?
Do you know how hard I worked for this money?
I'm not gonna blow it away on something stupid.
Come on.
Churro?
They're fresh, hot and tasty.
Louis, a churro is nothing but deep-fried dough
dipped in sugar.
And the bad part would be?
(CHUCKLES)
Here you go.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Go! Go! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!
Yeah!
Go! Go!
Yeah!
What the heck is that, you...?
Donnie!
Please hold it down. Dad's working on a very important case.
Sorry. I forgot.
We are not going to settle.
We will take it all the way to the Supreme Court.
That's right, my office Monday.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)